Make a Promise to a New Life

Do you ever wonder if you’re being lied to by society?

Does it feel like you’re being hoodwinked to live a certain kind of life and it just doesn’t feel right to you?

I sure did and when my life fell apart after my divorce, I was able to wake up and come out my deep metaphorical coma.

I came to the profound realization that my whole life was premised on societal expectations. Everything from work and school to relationships and what I should be doing with my life was created by society’s demands.

This past year, I put all my thoughts about this topic into  a book called, Seven Sacred Promises.

Why do I call these promises sacred? What are these promises? What will living these promises mean to your life?

If you’d like to hear more about the book and my first podcast interview with my friend, A.G. Billig, check out the podcast below.

Pick up this book to learn how to build up courage, discover your calling, find your courage and live your truth. Read this book only if you’re ready to wake up and start living from a sacred space.

If you’re interested in reading the Seven Sacred Promises, you can pick up the e-book on Amazon here or pickup the paperback book here.

5 Steps to Bounce Back Emotionally

Life can be a paradox.

Life on the outside can seem like you have everything going for you.

You could be a professional in a lucrative dental practice with speaking opportunities all over the world. You could have a six-figure Bollywod wedding and a million dollar dream home.

Your life appears to be sailing along exactly as your high-expectation Asian parents would have wanted you to live it.

Yet while the external parts of your life are going well and it appears you’ve achieved worldly success, your life could be completely falling apart.

Neeta Bushan’s story that the world couldn’t see is one of pain, challenges and loss. Specifically, losing both her parents and one of her brothers through separate health issues by the time she was 19 years old.

As a child of Indian-Filipino parents who grew up in the U.S., Neeta found herself having to deal with high expectations and academic excellence which took her to dental school and a successful dentistry practice.

Yet, 3 members of her immediate family (including her parents) passed away in her teenage years and she later found herself getting divorced after a physically and emotionally abusive relationship.

For someone who has experienced so much pain and overcoming what seems like insurmountable life experiences, Neeta has captured her life lessons and shares her wisdom in her book, Emotional Grit.

While the book is focused on leadership and building emotional grit in the workplace, I was able to pick out nuggets of wisdom on how she overcame loss, divorce and suffering in her own life.

Here are  5 ways to help you build emotional resiliency when you’re confronting your life’s biggest struggles:

1. Understanding and accepting your emotions.

So much of your life is spent on running away from your emotions because your emotions make you feel uncomfortable and you have been taught to suppress them your whole life. To move forward, you have to be willing to recognize, affirm and apply emotional intelligence to the emotions you’re experiencing. You have to learn to process emotions and learn tools to master the feelings that show up when life challenges that come your way.

2. Positivity and gratitude.

Neeta encourages you to surround yourself with positive messages and daily reminders. “From cards and magazines to picture and clippings, fill your surrounding with images and words that inspire your confidence and enrich your soul,” she writes. Not only does positivity help with keeping your perspective in life but so does gratitude. Waking up to another day is a gift that you can’t take for granted. Remind yourself every day of all those things that you’re grateful for in your life. There are many small and wonderful things in your life that you’re likely not noticing. Wake up each morning and take stock of what you’re thankful for.

3. Be proactive with your mental wellbeing.

In addition to your emotional wellbeing, your mental health is just as important to your wellbeing. Being able to manage stress and being proactive about your mental health are important. You can’t take care of yourself or others when you’re in mental turmoil. You can’t move on or move forward in your life without clearing the mental blocks you face. Reach out to a team of professionals like therapists and counselors if you need one. Otherwise, have a solid community and friendships to listen to you and create space for you.

4. Forgive and Release

Forgiveness may be difficult for you but it’s essential to be able to move forward. Forgiving is saying out loud that you’re letting go of the emotions you’re holding about a particular person or experience.  When you forgive, you release all the pent-up energy and emotions about the person and gain your power back but as you know, forgiveness is no easy task.  You have to find the courage to forgive and remind yourself of all the benefits of forgiveness. Forgiveness contributes to healthier relationships, less stress and anxiety and higher self-esteem. Not forgiving is like moving through life with a ripped and heavy paper bag, which keeps ripping and things fall out. Forgiveness is putting down the bag and moving forward with more ease.

5. Choose Courage

When you confront difficult circumstances, your fears and anxiety about the past pop up.  There are patterns that you grew up with that cause you to act a certain way when dealing with new or challenging circumstances.

When we choose to be ruled by fear, and specifically when we allow the not-yet-happened to subsume our personal power, we’ve given up the only freedom we have: the freedom to choose,” writes Neeta in the chapter about having the courage to feel your fears.

The way to practice courage is to be more aware your patterns of fear. She encourages you to write down the things that scare you each day and then write down steps to unmask or deconstruct that fear.  Even the tiniest of steps in breaking through your fear can lead to more steps of courage.

While emotional intelligence and courage can be helpful in facing personal life challenges, it can also be helpful to your work life. Much of Neeta’s book, Emotional Grit, can guide you to be more authentic, courageous and emotionally resilient in the workplace.

Neeta Bhushan is an emotional intelligence advocate, speaker,  and founder of the Global Grit Institute. You can follow her blog here and pick up her book, Emotional Grit here

Why Is This Happening To You?

why me

When you’ve experienced a massive breakup or divorce, you start asking a lot of questions, and many of them are not very helpful.

You’ll ask why this is happening to you.

What happened to your life.

You might ask what you did to deserve this.

You’ll ask why God isn’t listening to you and wonder if God even exists.

Actually, some of us tend to ask these questions and then end up writing books about them! I wrote Is God Listening? asking these types of questions (you can find it here).

While writing books may be productive and helpful, asking disempowering questions of yourself is not. There’s no sufficient answer as to why this is happening. If this was a natural disaster, a tsunami, or an earthquake, what can you do? What answers will satisfy you?

Tragedies, natural disasters, and yes, even divorce, happen. Yes, divorce involves feelings and people, but ultimately they occur. Relationships start and end. It is a natural cycle of life. In all of life, we want answers to questions so we can understand the world better. “Why me?” you may ask.

It’s natural and human to ask questions like this of ourselves, but it is not healthy or helpful to healing. A couple of different ways to think about this is to believe that things happen, and sometimes for no reason at all.

There’s no positive result that comes out of repeatedly asking why certain things are happening to you because some of these questions won’t have answers.

The divorce happened because you weren’t compatible, because you married the wrong partner, because you didn’t put the time into the relationship, because of an affair, etc.

It happened for any number of contributing reasons, but the big question of “why you” has no answer.

Good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people.

No point in holding the universe responsible or blaming life itself for a sequence of events that resulted in divorce. You’ll just keep swirling negative thoughts in your mind, and wasting emotional and mental energy trying to understand why this happened to you.

One way to view your divorce is that nothing happened for this to happen to you.

Your divorce happened for any variety of reasons, but there will be no answer to why it’s happening to you. Like rivers and oceans and life for billions of years, nature and human experiences is just running its course. There is no reason or explanations needed.

You didn’t cause it, your karma didn’t create it, and God isn’t after you.

Sure, you might have done things that contributed to the divorce in your life, but there’s no good answer to “why you.” Divorce happened like it rained yesterday afternoon; there’s no rhyme or reason other than possibly it’s the rainy season.

There’s no particular reason why you were singled out in life to experience divorce.

Earthquakes happen. Tsunamis happen. Forest fires happens.

Your sixteen-year-old son wants to back out of the garage and drives into your house instead.

Natural disasters and life happens.

It’s not fate, karma, voodoo dolls, or anything else that has it in for you. Life happens like nature happens.

You’re a tiny speckle of the universe who has come into it for eighty-some years and will be leaving it.

Demanding to know what your role is in the universal scheme of things or having the knowledge of why your divorce happened as it did is not going to help any.

If you look at it from a billion-year view or take a meta-view (step ten thousand feet away from your situation), your divorce is just one set of events that unfold.

It’s a small part of a much larger picture. It will be a small part of your life when you look at it globally.

You don’t have to know why it happened.

If you insist on knowing why it happened, choose this message: Your divorce is happening for your greatest good. It’s happening for your spiritual growth. It’s happening to help you become the best version of yourself. It’s helping you become the person you’re capable of being so you can attract the right partner into your life.

If this isn’t a sufficient answer for explaining why you are divorced, then I challenge you to ask yourself more empowering questions instead.

Don’t ask yourself why this happened; instead, ask yourself what lessons you can learn from this experience. What is the divorce trying to teach you? How is this going to prepare you for the future? What is this teaching you about life?

If you start viewing the end of your marriage as a teaching experience and a period of growth, your mind will start focusing on more helpful and empowering answers.

You’ll be looking for lessons and insights to help improve your life.

Another way to focus on the situation is to think about what you can do now. Yes, this happened, but now what? What’s in your control? What can you change? How can you move forward? How can you rebuild a new life for yourself?

By letting go of one set of questions and focusing on more positive ones, you’ll help focus your mind on empowering questions that will lead to growth, learning and moving on.

Don’t like my answer? Want to know where God is and if God’s listening to you? Click here to pick up my book, Is God Listening?

*Photo credit unsplash

A Guide to Finding an Emotionally Available Partner

emotionally available

I thought it was my bad luck that I kept running into emotionally unavailable people.

The women I met seemed to be closed off from their emotions, wanted to hide them or didn’t want to share them.

This felt odd until I realized that the patterns and behavior I was seeing in women were the exact behaviors and patterns I had seen in myself.

I had a “slam-my-head-on-the-steering-wheel” moment. Oh…it wasn’t the other cars that were the problem. I had to look within my own.

You may also be looking for a partner but this time around you want someone who is emotionally available and willing to commit to you.

Finding an emotionally available partner is more difficult than finding vegetarian food on long stretches of a freeway littered with McDonald’s and Taco Bells.

It’s more difficult than finding a presidential candidate who aligns with your values.

More difficult than finding a yoga teacher who treats yoga like a spiritual practice, not a power exercise.

If you’ve had enough of partners who show up with great fanfare and attention but then disappear within days, here’s what to do.

Instead of asking yourself, “Why can’t I find an emotionally available guy,” approach your search differently.

I’m sharing these insights with you as a guy who was emotionally unavailable (extremely unavailable) and who made efforts to change as well as someone who is looking for an emotionally available woman.

6 ways to find an emotionally available partner.

1) Get comfortable with feelings and welcome in emotions.

You often get caught up with the idea that the right person isn’t out there for you or you simply can’t find the right person.
I’m convinced more than ever that it has nothing to do with the person you’re searching for. You have limited control over that but you do have the ability to make changes within.

One key to finding emotionally available people is to become emotionally available yourself.

Don’t run. Welcome in your feelings. Don’t hide from your emotions. Allow feelings and emotions to come into your life and sit with them. Speak to them, write about them, explore them. Get to know your feelings: the soul-stirring and soul-crushing ones.

If the feelings are overwhelming, talk to a therapist or other professional.

2) Be willing to share how you’re feeling with others.

Share your emotions with others. Share your feelings with people you trust instead of keeping them bottled up.

Share feelings and emotions to reduce the heaviness of both.

If the waves of feelings and emotions are uncontrollable, speak to a professional about them. Otherwise, make space for them to sit and breathe into them.

Know that sharing your feelings with others can be an emotional and spiritual release. It will help you become more vulnerable, encouraging you to get into the habit of speaking your truth and fully accepting yourself.

3) Work on your own emotional wounds and healing.

When you get real and welcome in your emotions, you’re bound to find those things that push your buttons. Your former partners may have pushed your buttons a lot but you never realized they were there to teach you and show you that the wounds were there.

Becoming aware of the wounds is the first step toward healing them. You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.

Get curious about your emotional wounds. Go to the origination point. Where did it develop? How did it grow? What triggers this wound today?

Become a detective of your emotional state.

Once you identify and understand your wounds, you can breathe love into them. You can flood them with light. You can shed them with healing thoughts and beliefs. You can tend to them and care for them.

You can find meaning in these wounds, messages for your life and ways to improve your life. You can tell a new story about these wounds. You can fill the wounds with light and share your light with others who are suffering.

4) Get attentive on how your partner handles emotionally charged conversations.

Once you work on your own issues with emotional strength and openness, notice how your potential partner handles his emotions.
Take notes and observe how your partner responds, reacts and manages his emotional well-being.

Either accept your partner for where he is or don’t accept him. You have that choice but don’t deny or resist the place he’s at.

He’s not necessarily going to change, improve or become the person you want emotionally. And likely, it’s not going to happen overnight.

Become observant. Accept him for where he is and decide if this is going to work for you. Or not work for you.

5) Let your partner know what you’re looking for.

If it’s not working for you, let your partner know what you need from him.

Communicate instead of hiding your emotional needs.
Instruct him, if necessary. Show him what you need from him. Make a request as to what you need from your partner.

Do not bottle up your emotional needs or believe your partner will understand what you want without your saying it.

Speak out your emotional needs. Your partner cannot predict, guess or use telepathy to understand what your needs are.

6) Be willing to let go of relationships that don’t serve you emotionally.

Often we are so terrified of being alone that we would rather put up with anything than break off an unhealthy relationship.

You have a choice: be miserable, unhappy and unloved. Or take your emotional well-being into your own hands.

Find someone who is going to be there for you emotionally.

Let go of being imprisoned by someone else’s emotionally unavailable chains.
By letting go of an unemotionally available person, you give him the opportunity to start working on his emotional needs and opening up.

You also clear room in your life to invite in more emotionally available partners.

* “You can’t be with the right partner when you’re with the wrong one” *

How Do You Become a Better Lover?

lovers

No one teaches us about marriage or relationships.

No one shows us what good communication looks like or gives us the recipe for successful couples.

We stumble down this path of relationships in the dark.

I found myself without role models and with a dysfunctional past. People showed me love in hurtful ways and I did not know what a healthy relationship looks like.

On the way up the graduate school and professional ladders, we don’t learn the skills we need for the most important things in our lives. No one teaches us how to speak, listen, request, forgive or let go.

How do you become a good doctor? You go to school for it.

How do you become a good cyclist? You ride a lot.

How do you become a better lover in relationship?s Trial and error. Lots of experiences in the name of failure. Breakups. Divorce.

What a way to learn, huh !?!

To improve our relationships, we first have to realize that we don’t know anything about them. IF you grew up in dysfunctional ones, you have to admit that you know only what a dysfunctional relationship looks like.

There is no shame in learning. We learn in every other area of our lives, so why not sit down and study relationships? Why not figure out how to communicate and love another person?

There is a better way to communicate than through complaints, put-downs and negativity.

In this excellent book, The New Rules of Marriage, author Terrence Real outlines 5 ways to improve your communication. I wrote about this book last week and here’s part 2 of what I learned from this book.

Here are 5 winning strategies to become a better lover.

1. Shift from complaint to request.

Complaining rarely or never gets you what you want. Don’t criticize your partner for something they did in the past; instead, ask them for what you want in the future. It takes more courage, and we’re not used to asking for what we want in relationships because complaining is easier and asking poses the threat of rejection. Yet Real tells us that asking is a more empowered way of being. For women particularly, “self-assertion can trigger feelings of shame and guilt. They must learn that pleasure and honest connection are gifts and birthrights.” Real writes that asking for what you want is the only way your partner will be able to meet your needs.

2. Speaking out with love and savvy.

Always remember that the underlying goal of communication is to speak and be effective with the person you love. The goal is to strengthen your bond and relationship. “He is someone you love. Someone you’ve pledged your life to. At the very least, recall that he’s the person you have to live with.” Keep this goal in mind and ask yourself what your communication will do. Think about what you’re going to say – will it bring you closer together or take you further apart? Help your partner feel empowered, not helpless. Talk about what happened during a particular event, then talk about what you have decided about it, how you feel about it and what you would like to happen in the future. Speak to solve the problem and avoid it in the future, not to hurt and embarrass your partner.

3. Respond with generosity.

Before responding, you have to master the art of listening to your partner and understanding where they are coming from. Don’t argue or go for being right – go for harmony and repairing the conflict you’re both experiencing. After listening, you have to understand where your partner is coming from. The rule that Real describes is “understanding builds empathy, empathy builds compassion, and compassion ends combat.” Once you hear your partner out and understand what they are saying, acknowledge what they are saying as much as you can and show accountability. The final part of responding is to respond generously to as many of your partner’s requests. Find something to give to your partner and agree on sincere actions you will take in the future.

4. Empowering each other.

How can I help you give me what I want? Treat your partner as your teammate. “Repair demands that both partners ask: What can we do to work as a team? How can we face challenges life throws at us and the challenges we present to each other in a practical way?” How can you help each other? How are you going to help each other feel loved and fulfilled? Work together on a plan to help each other get what you want.

5. Cherishing.

Cherishing is what you do after you’ve agreed on what you’re going to do to resolve the conflicts between both of you. You have to cultivate your capacity to appreciate and enjoy the pleasure of your relationship. To cherish, you have to acknowledge your partner’s progress and demonstrate, through your actions, a desire to return the favor and be pleasing to them. Let them know that you appreciate them, encourage them for improvements and thank them for doing those things you asked for.

Ready to become a better lover? Or to learn the new rules of marriage so you can transform your relationship? Pick up The New Rules of Marriage today.

5 Harmful Behaviors That Ruin Marriage

marriage1“We are drawn to people whose issues fit perfectly with our own in a way that guarantees a reenactment of the old, familiar struggle we grew up with.” Terrence Real, The New Rules of Marriage.

As someone who was married for nearly a decade, I went through the ups and downs of marriage.

The downs were really down and took me through these 5 terrible behaviors that people commonly engage in during a marriage.

I felt terrible when I read about these behaviors in the book,  The New Rules of Marriage.

What the heck was I thinking?

How could I have committed all 5 of these harmful behaviors when I was married? I started getting angry with myself all over again for having been so lost, blind and hostile.

I would never treat anyone else I know like this, so why my ex?

The New Rules of Marriage hit me in the gut and awakened thoughts of unpleasant behaviors from my past. I didn’t realize they were common and showed up in all troubled relationships.

If you’re still married, I’m bringing this up to remind you that these are unhealthy behaviors that you don’t have to engage in.

If you’re divorced, you’ll remember these behaviors as a wake-up call for your next relationship.

I’ve tried to get over the shame and to stop beating myself up for these negative behaviors. I’m reminding myself that I did the best I could and now self-awareness will help going forward.

5 harmful behaviors to avoid in your marriage.

1. Needing to be right.

If you’re married, you know this one all too well. You want to be right and you refuse to see it another way, for both the small and big things. You may be factually right but being right isn’t the point. You could win the battle but make your spouse feel lousy about themselves and therefore lose the war.

Solution: “The only sensible answer to the question ‘Who’s right and who’s wrong?’ is ‘Who cares?’” Real tells us in his book. We can be right or we can be married – which matters to you more? “I want you to do this: Understand that the need to be right eats away at intimacy, no matter what the provocation. You can make a commitment to stop self-righteous indignation, no matter what the provocation.”

2. Controlling your partner.

We try to get our partners to do what we want them to do. Some do this by force and others by manipulation, but both essentially try to get their partners to behave in a certain way. Real tells us that we naturally feel attraction to people who have a way of pricking our deepest wounds and childhood pains. He tells us that we marry our unfished business. Even the best relationships bring up every hurt and anger you carry inside.

Solution: You don’t have to avoid the raw parts of yourself in a relationship. You can handle and heal the raw parts of yourself, but not in the way you imagined. Your instinct might be to change your partner and get them to behave. “Our understable, naïve and utterly dysfunctional dream is that our partners will give to us whatever we most missed in our childhoods, that we most yearn for now as adults.” Control is an illusion. You can heal and change only yourself, not your partner.

3. Criticism and negativity – giving your partner a piece of your mind.

“Hey, let me tell you in precise, lurid detail just exactly how miserable you made me by your shortcomings. I need to vent!” is the idea that Real describes with what he calls “unbridled self-expression”. It’s telling your partner in brutal honesty what you think of them. If you somehow don’t put it all out there, you feel like you’re suppressing and hiding your true feelings.

Solution: Real says that, “you will not die if you don’t express yourself whenever a thought pops into your mind. Furthermore, venting is not an inalienable right. You can vent or you can move toward a solution.” Find a more thoughtful and careful way to express what you want to say. Try constructive, not critical, self-expression. Realize that telling your partner how horrible you think his/her behavior is or what a horrible person he/she is will not help you get closer or solve any problems.

4. Retaliation.

Who doesn’t love to get even or push your partner’s buttons after you’ve been injured? It’s the idea of thinking of yourself as the victim and hitting your partner harder emotionally than he/she pushed you. Often retaliation comes across as verbal abuse: “humiliating, ridiculing, telling your partner what he should or should not do – these are all aspects of verbal abuse, and they have no place whatsoever in a healthy relationship.”

Solution: Either of you should call a “time out where the arguing comes to an immediate stop. You disrupt the interaction and one of you leave[s] it so there is no further harm done. Check in within twenty minutes or a couple hours or even half a day and see if you each need more time or if you can have a conversation in a more civil manner. “Make a commitment to take retaliation – physical and verbal, direct and indirect – off the table. If you’re mad, say so, but don’t act it out,” advises Real.

5. Withdrawal.

You can withdraw from a conversation or even completely from the marriage. Withdrawal is a passive-aggressive form of retaliation. You withdraw from certain or all aspects of the relationship – intellectual, emotional, physical, sexual and spiritual. You withdraw to avoid conflict, when you’ve given up or when you find it pointless to engage any further in the relationship.

Solution: This is the most blatant strategy that results in your not getting what you want because you’ve stopped trying. You can’t get what you want from a relationship by withdrawing from it. Instead of a unilateral, provocative drawing away, you can opt for responsible distance taking. Provide an explanation for why you don’t want to engage in the conversation now and promise to return to it later, providing a specific time to address the concerns.

You need your space while still remaining accountable and responsible in the relationship. You don’t want to sever ties with your partner. You want to find a way to work it out, have your needs met and be fulfilled.

There are new rules of marriage in the modern age. To deal with all of the marriage-breakers above, pick up The New Rules of Marriage, by Terrence Real, for tips and strategies for articulating your needs and wants, listening well, standing up for yourself and knowing how to seek outside help. You can pick up the book on Amazon here.

Divorce: A Path to Your Inner Transformation

divorce

It’s been close to 3 years since I separated and later on, divorced from my husband.

We were only officially married for 1 year and half but unofficially together for 7 years. He was my best friend. I looked up to him and secretly felt I could not keep up to his ability to be successful.

Three years ago, l lost sight of everything meaningful in my life, and spiraled into self- sabotage and rebellion. When we broke up, I took it upon myself to change as a person, because I thought that was partly the reason my marriage had deteriorated. What I came to realize is it was the marriage with myself that I never allowed to heal properly. Before we can love someone wholeheartedly, we need to love and accept ourselves first.

  • Year one taught me survival through various avenues of meditations, traveling, one-on-one coaching, researching topics of interest (self-help), and continuous self-introspective writing.
  • Year two opened the doors towards discovering who I am, my true self and layers of my mind that contributed to my years of “unconscious” living (along with the help of therapy.)
  • Year three helped me accept that I am already in the place I need to be and learning to accept myself as I am as well as being more compassionate with myself. It is also more of a “free” year, where I am living day by day and just being with myself not doing anything in particular as previous years – I am actively watching myself “just being me.” (As weird as that sounds!)

I am very clear about the mistakes I made back then.

Marriage is when two imperfect souls can accept each other just as they are and grow as persons and as a unit simultaneously. Marriage is compromise, love, empathy, understanding, strength, vulnerability and maturity amongst the obstacles and difficulties thrown at us by the universe.

Divorce is just another new beginning to look at yourself and reflect on what went wrong.

It’s an opportunity to learn about yourself and to appreciate your previous partner as another teacher in your life (once you move past the anger phase, because you do experience it – and it’s totally normal!)

I learned more about me, then I did after any other difficult time period of my life.

It was hard for me in the first few months, as I am a sensitive individual. Time went so slow, my loved ones spent hours calling me, inviting me over for dinner, and sharing countless words of wisdom. I felt I was experiencing an outer body experience.

Surprisingly, work became more interesting because I drowned myself to avoid feeling pain. I often woke up earlier and fell asleep earlier than usual. I started experiencing anxiety attacks and I started praying frequently again. This only reaffirmed my desire to create change for myself. I am eternally grateful for the spiritual coach who guided me during this time and opened up doorways for my self-improvement (my healing).

Here are my tips to work on healing from your heartache while improving yourself and loving yourself:

1. Don’t lock yourself up indoors.

When we feel down, we feel lifeless, we are walking zombies and we do not want to get out of bed. My godfather told me, “When you feel sad: get up, grab your purse, open the door, and hear it slam. Then, come straight over to our house. No matter how many times. Get up and get out.” You have no idea, how much I have listened to this. Once you are out, you won’t suddenly feel thrilled but after 2hours of engaging with others, laughing or in-depth conversations of moral support, you will feel better.

2. Set intentions and be compassionate with yourself.

If you have no other options, because we tend to close up, then set an intention to be compassionate with yourself. For example, I have very few intimate friends, so I did often stay at home, in bed with the lights off. But, I knew I couldn’t stay there forever. I set a realistic intention to give myself a minimum of 3 days at home. Day 3 came and I would get up to go out or do an activity such as writing, visiting loved ones, going for a walk or seeing a movie.

3. Allow yourself to feel.

Do not avoid it. If you need to talk to someone (you trust) for hours to get things off your chest, do so. We are creatures of service; another person will listen to you and help you feel relaxed. If you don’t have someone, I recommend writing down every thought going through your mind. If you suddenly feel the need to cry or laugh, don’t hold it back. Feel it, watch it, and release it – whatever feeling it is, will go away on its own. Don’t avoid thinking or feeling by working overtime or going out every chance you get as an escape. In the long run, this will bring more harm because pain gets buried and will resurface when a new relationship or situation comes around.

4. Get help from a professional outsider: a coach or therapist.

I met a wonderful life coach through a mutual friend. She guided me in every session, hearing me out, giving exercises, written homework assignments and insight. Sometimes we need another’s eye and expertise to comprehend what we are going through and provide you tools to move forward. There were so many topics and tools I would have never thought of without her. She opened my mind to study myself and be understanding that this new life experience would allow me to reach my goals of healing, true love and self-acceptance.

5. Take a seminar or a class.

When you find yourself as a student again engaging in adding skills to yourself professionally and/or as a hobby – you are left with an overwhelming feeling of accomplishment, giddiness and success. It will make you feel so much better and you will begin to notice you forget about your sadness because you are doing something loving such as an exercise dance class, meet up group, meditation or yoga seminar.

6. Don’t do rebound relationships.

I have done these in the past, though I didn’t do it after my divorce from my last partner. I have found that you are still in a tender phase and you need to work on those feelings of hurt, discomfort and loss. Sometimes, we think we are ready and what we really need is to meet new people and be friends first. If the right partner comes along, you will know it. Don’t rush, take your time.

7. Don’t stay in contact with your ex/exes.

My last ex found it annoying I stayed friends with previous exes. He use to say, “Exes can’t be friends.” I use to debate this all the time. I found it brought me more harm than good, even affecting my marriage. Growing up as an only child with little or no family, we tend to make our friends our family. I couldn’t let go of certain relationships because I was scared to be alone. In past relationships, I had keep my exes as friends but by doing so I only kept it as “yellow” light just in case the flame would revive. In order to move on, we need to keep a distance. Otherwise, we are prolonging pain or in some cases, engaging in relationships with no ties – where there is always one person that gets attached and gets hurt.  No matter how much we love or loved that person, we need to let go and accept the one relationship worth keeping is the one with ourselves.

8. Do pray or meditate.

Religion and spirituality continue to be the most contributing part of this healing and self-transformation equation. If you belong to a particular religion, prayer is universal – give it to God. If you are not part of any religion, being spiritual is another tool. Spirituality isn’t all about a religion. It is also about belief in yourself, your inner center, the universe and the stars. I went to free meditation seminars on Sundays during year one and even pulled up some good mediattions and mantras from YouTube. Meditation frees you to – give it to the universe. For me, giving myself to God and the universe through prayer and meditation allowed me to feel peace again, especially in those sad or anxious moments during and after my divorce.

Taizha Diaz, also known as Spiritual Dahlia, writes on her blog here. You can also keep up  her work on Facebook.

How Do You Choose Love?

I am happy to be able to share this interview with you, by my friend, A.G. Billig. Watch this video to find out how to find the love your’re looking for in your life. Learn now to choose love each and every day. A.G. offers some practical tips to see and feel love.

A.G. Billing is an author and self-love coach. You can learn more about her work here at www.agbillig.com. To pick up her book, I Choose Love, visit her Amazon page here.

Looking Past Appearances and Differences

 

At the end of the day, we all the same on the inside.  If you get past our physical appearances, race, skin color, we are all  the same yet we spend so much of our time focusing on our differences.

This is the powerful message that Rohit shares in the video above. I found it both catchy and empowering so I’m sharing it with you.

Listen. Share. Take the message to heart.

To keep up with Rohit’s music, visit his Youtube account or follow him on Instagram here.