The Only Thing Between You and the Relationship You Want

does true love exist

Indian dating advice: find a man from a good family who owns property in the homeland and has a MD, Ph.D or engineering degree.

American dating advice: Find an emotionally vulnerable man who can be your best friend, therapist, and spiritual guide. Make sure he’s intelligent, dashingly handsome, well-groomed, well-dressed, acceptable to take out socially, and gets you completely without you having to say a word.

Hmm…so how do you land one of these men?

Turn to the copious amounts of books, magazines, relationship gurus and astrological readings that are available out there?

So much of the dating advice out there is focused on the thing you can’t control or do much about. So much advice out there is on the the person you’re trying to attract!

What really keeps us from finding the person we want is… get ready for this…

You.

I know…so anti-climatic.

It’s your self-sabotage, belief system and self-esteem that’s ultimately keeps you from what you want.

It’s your own internal thinking, patterns, emotional state, mental state that is keeping you from getting hitched.

Nope, I’m not saying you’re nuts, you’re a lost cause and to surrender from the dating scene immediately.

What I am saying is that all the work that you need to do to materialize love, I’ve come to conclude, has nothing to do with anyone else.

The only person you can change, the only mindset you can alter, the only person who can become more emotionally vulnerable and the only person who can open their heart to love is YOU.

This may come as a shock to you.

It’s so much more convenient to think the world is ending, no one loves you and you’re going to die alone.

It’s so much more dramatic and noble to be a hoarder, ascetic, sheep herder, or fisherman in the backwaters of Kerala.

This is all fine and there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to live a lonely, peaceful existence filled with inner awakening, your own sleeping bag, your own schedule and your own closet space. Actually, I’ve pondered and romanticized about this life often…minus the closet space, of course.

This post isn’t to put you down or shame you or make you feel inadequate for wanting to do life alone.

This post is for those of you who do want to date, who want love in your life and especially for those of you, who are planning to do this AGAIN.

Now, listen. I’m no love guru or Dear Abby, Carrie Bradshaw, Harry Met Sally, Prince Harry, Dirty Harry, Dr. Drew or anything like that.

I’m a normal regular person, like you who jumped into the dating pool, not by choice but because life dropped me off in the middle of the ocean with a bunch of scary looking sharks swimming around me.

Wait, what?

I was pushed into the scary waters of dating and love again. Of course, the point of this post is to tell you that it’s not that scary, there are no sharks swimming around you and you have a life jacket and pool animal floating devices. Oh, and that you’re not in the deathly shark-infested waters but likely sipping on Margaritas with blue umbrellas, while lounging around a pool at a beach house in Colorado.

So, let me repeat this again.

The only thing standing between you and the person of your dreams is you.

Work on yourself. Choose yourself. Improve yourself. Be your best self.

And as I say in my upcoming book, “Treat yourself as your number-one lover and you will find a person who pops up from nowhere to treat you the same way.”

Now that I’ve given away all the details of my book and summarized it for you in two sentences – why in the world would you even pick up this book?

Well, between the life wisdom and secrets for finding your life partner, you’ll learn these 4 exciting things in the book, Does True Love Exist.

  • The most powerful word you can use for finding love.
  • How Donald Trump and Bill Clinton can help you up your dating life. I know, totally gross but there is a deep truth these two characters can teach you about how to show up in love.
  • The one quality that will make any man fall in love with you. Any woman too. Actually, if you have this quality, call me immediately. We are soulmates.
  • What areas of love you should look for compatibility in. What you both enjoy doing on the weekends is not as important as those things that really matter.

Now, for your own relationship health, do us both a favor and pick up this book on Amazon.

Read it and start applying these tips to your life immediately.

Write an Amazon review soon after about how this weird Indian guy changed your life by breaking down relationship advice in easy-to-understand and rational way.

Call me and invite me to your wedding to give a toast. Take me along on your Honeymoon.

Get the book already. Only $.99 all this week.

Click here for Does True Love Exist and pick up the book today.

Visualize Your Way to Love

Can visualizations actually work?

Can you meditate your way to love?

Close your eyes, take a deep breath and try out this 5 minute true love meditation for a week. Keep me posted on how it changes your life.

This true love visualization is a free gift for people who purchase my new book, Does True Love Exist? coming out on July 9th.

To my blog readers and subscribers, please find the video above. I hope it helps you on you path to finding your life partner.

Lookout for Does True Love Exist? in the Amazon store next week.

A Little Book on Lasting Love

Is it time to date again?

Is it time to flip the page?

Close the old book and start a new one?

Before you start on the next chapter of your life, I have a small gift for you; a book on finding love that lasts.

My life experiences, observations, and dating stories make up this little book called, Does True Love Exist?

It’s 15 simple concepts that can help you find that person who was meant for you.

I can’t want to share this book with you on July 9th. It has practical nuggets of wisdom about finding, cultivating and keeping love in yourlife.

Look out for the book, Does True Love Exist? 15 Simple Ideas for Finding Your Life Partner on my Amazon page here.

15 Simple Ideas For Welcoming In Love

Are you ready for new love in your life?

Is it time to start over, let go of the past and welcome in a new relationship?

As I’ve worked on moving on myself, I’ve gone from studying heartbreak to studying love.

My observations, experiences and insights on love and dating have become a tiny book with a mighty message: love starts with you.

The book is being released on July 9th, 2017 and I can’t wait to share it with you. Click on the video above to learn more about the book.

How Do You Heal From the Grief of Heartbreak?

Michelle D’Avella talks about how to face the pain of heartbreak and heal your heart from grief.

Click the video above for a helpful tip on healing your heart and moving on from the grief of heartbreak.

Michelle D’Avella supports women and men through their journey inward to release pain, open their hearts, and create a life they love. She is a Breathwork teacher, Desire Map facilitator, writer, and mentor. Learn more about Michelle and her work at pushingbeauty.com and follow her on Instagram for daily doses of inspiration.

How Long Does It Take To Get Over An Ex?

How long does it take to get over an ex?

How long before you move on and can live your life again?

Some people never move on. Some people believe there is no more hope after their last breakup and vow their previous relationship will be their last relationship.

How long it takes to get over an ex depends on you.

Here’s what I know: it took me years to get over my ex because I didn’t quite accept the relationship had ended.

Yes, you actually have to accept the relationship is over before you can get over an ex. 

At the end of the day, I’d say it took me about five years to fully move on from my marriage.

“What the #&*(@)!_,” you remark, “5 years?!?! that’s a long time.”

Listen, it’s not about the time. It’s about the process of healing and letting go.

There’s work to be done.

What work?

Click the video above to watch. You get to decide how long it will take for you to get over your ex.

For books on heartbreak and moving on, visit my Amazon store here.

3 Ways to Transform Before You Love Again

When my husband walked out the door and never came back, I thought I would never love again. I was 22 years old and believed that marriage was forever.

How could I even think of loving anyone else when I was sure I would never stop loving him?

About three months later, I met a man. He was nice and sweet, and we seemed to have a lot in common but something was off.

I never would have admitted it at the time but really, I used this man to help me forget my pain. I had nothing to give him but my brokenness. It was a rebound relationship. We dated on and off for three years but I could never commit like he wanted me to.

As much as I tried to make things work with this new individual, there was no way I could. I just wasn’t ready. I needed to heal.

There is something about divorce or a serious breakup that makes a person feel helpless, hopeless, defenceless. The person that you gave everything to: your secrets, your body and years of your life, has rejected you. There is no greater rejection.

You need to heal and you need to grieve before you can genuinely be there for another person. For me, it took ten years before I was truly ready to marry again and give myself fully to another person.

It won’t take everyone this long but we do need to heal before we are ready to enter something new, and give it our best. During the ten years between marriages, I was in two major relationships, both of which did not work out.

For one of those relationships, I couldn’t commit. For the other relationship, I chose someone who was very deceptive and unfaithful.

One reason it is so important to heal is because if you are not emotionally healthy, you can either hurt others (like I did in the first relationship) or be hurt badly by choosing someone inappropriate (like my second relationship.)

If you have recently gone through heartbreak, there are three things you need to rebuild as a newly single person to help you heal and become whole again.

1. Cultivate your strength.

When you were in a long-term relationship, you think yourself as part of a couple. The two of you made plans together, visited together, went out for dinner together.

Other people start to think of you as part of a couple, too. Instead of just being “Sally,” you are always known as “Sally and Joe.”

You are interdependent on another. This is not a bad thing – it is a healthy part of being a couple. When it all ends, however, that unity is torn apart and you are left feeling jagged and torn, like a part of you is missing.”

But through this process, if you allow yourself, you will discover something wonderful: you are stronger than you ever thought. If you quietly listen, you will feel a hidden strength that is emerging from having to endure this terrible crisis.

There is a voice from deep within that whispers: “You will survive. You will endure.”

That feeling that you are going to fall apart and die is powerful but it is only a feeling. The truth is that you are getting stronger. In fact, even when you are still heartbroken, still devastated, you will find that you can do far more than you thought possible.

2. Use your difficult emotions as motivation

When you go through a very painful breakup, you have a lot of mixed emotions. Part of you wants to curl up in a ball and never leave the comfort of your bedroom. Another part of you feels a sense of burning indignation at the betrayal and treachery you experienced.

This anger is part of the grieving process but it also has a good side because it can mobilize you to start something new, to forge forward. It can give you the energy to be able to move on.

After my second post-divorce relationship breakup, I was so depressed that it was hard to function. For many months, I felt no anger – just sadness. I was so sad that it was difficult to get through a work day or to have a conversation with anyone.

One evening, I was visiting with a lady who was also going through a separation and moving to a new province. She told me, “You have to get in touch with your anger. It’s there but you are just hiding it with this depression. Think about what this man did to you. It should get you angry and you need that anger to move on, to get yourself motivated.”

It took a long time for her words to sink in but she was right. I stayed depressed for a few more months but then I was finally able to get in touch with my anger.

When I did, I was really angry, and it scared me. I did not like to think of myself as an angry person but it was a necessary part of the grieving process. During that angry phase, I started to think about the future.

I was working an entry-level job at the time because I thought that was all I could handle with my depression. I started to reassess my skills and knew that I needed to get back into teaching, my previous career.

I started sending out resumes and within a month, had a new job teaching High School English. I had to travel 1000 miles away to get there but what kept me motivated and strong was knowing that I had survived this breakup and therefore, I could handle this new situation.

If you have just recently survived a breakup and are feeling angry, think about how you can use your anger for something good and productive.

Maybe you can pursue a goal you left behind during the relationship, like school or a new career. Maybe you want to renew old friendships that you neglected while being with your former partner.

You are in transition right now. You have survived this experience. If you are angry, take advantage of the energy your anger gives you to pursue your dreams again.

3. Rebuild your self-worth

After a divorce or serious breakup, you must rediscover, or even discover for the first time, your worth as a human being. You are worthy, no matter who does or doesn’t decide to be with you.

Growing up, I was not affirmed by my father. In fact, his anger often led to him yelling at his family and controlling our every action. Around my father, I always felt on edge and unsure of my worth. Without the affirmation of the male figure in my life, I looked for it from other men.

If you look to a romantic partner to affirm who you are, you are in trouble because you are putting the power in their hands for whether we feel good about yourself. If your man loves you, you are happy. When that same man doesn’t love you anymore, you are devastated.

Although relationships can be wonderful, they do not determine your worth. A single person is not worth less than a married person.

You are of extreme worth right now, just as you are.

Don’t look for another man to prove it to you.

One way to rediscover your worth is to rediscover your gifts. You have gifts and talents that no one else has that are needed in this world. Think back to who you were, before you entered this relationship.

Did you give up a dream, a passion? Use this time of newly-found singlehood to renew a dream or passion that was left on the back burner.

When I went to that teaching job far up North, being in the classroom energized me. I was teaching English literature, my passion. I absolutely loved leading the students in discussions and building into their lives.

The thoughts of this man were still there, sometimes at night, but they started to fade because I was so consumed with doing my best at the tasks that were in front of me.

If you are struggling with being unable to focus on anything but your ex-partner, right now, remember who you were before – that person is still there. Do something to move towards becoming more of the person you were meant to be.

To conclude, there are three things you need to find again after a breakup. You need to find your strength again. You need to get back your motivation, and you need to rediscover (or discover for the first time) your self-worth.

Sharilee Swaity and her husband live in the woods of Central Canada. She has just written her first book, Second Marriage: An Insider’s Guide to Hope, Healing and Love. Pick up her book on Amazon here (free for 48 hours). You can also keep up with her writing on her blog, Second Marriage, here.

Love Yourself After Heartbreak

You might be looking for love after a heartbreak.

Once you start on that quest for love and a new relationship, you’ll realize that you can’t open your heart to others until you open it to yourself.

Yes, everything they say about self-love is true. You need to have a deep, committed and fulfilling relationship with yourself before you can love another person.

But how do you do this?

How do you love yourself when you have trouble loving another person?

After walking the journey back from heartbreak myself, I don’t have all the answers but I do have my answers.

I get a lot of similar questions from readers of my blog and I decided to write this book, Loving Yourself After Heartbreak for anyone who was having issues with self-worth and self-esteem after heartbreak.

Loving yourself shows up in so many ways in your life.

It’s not just what you think about yourself and how you treat yourself but it’s about boundaries, it’s about making peace with your past, it’s about grieving and forgiveness, letting go of resentments.

It’s how to live your life, how to surrender and how you find happiness.

I took a stab at answering 21 of the most common questions I receive about the topic of self-love. A few have to do with heart-break but most have to do with taking care of yourself, healing yourself and rebuilding your self-worth after heartbreak.

Here are the 21 questions I answer in the book, Love Yourself After Heartbreak:

Chapter 1: The benefits of loving yourself after heartbreak

Chapter 2: How do you make peace with your past?

Chapter 3: How do you cope with the sadness and pain of a breakup?

Chapter 4: How do you overcome feelings of being “not good enough” or worthlessness?

Chapter 5: How do you overcome self-doubt?

Chapter 6: How do you stop the need for love and validation to feel good about yourself?

Chapter 7: How do you stop pleasing others?

Chapter 8: How do you find forgiveness when swimming in resentment?

Chapter 9: How do you let go of self-pity and victimhood?

Chapter 10: How do you stop judging and comparing yourself to others?

Chapter 11: How do you stop blaming yourself for the breakup?

Chapter 12: How do you deal with abandonment and loneliness?

Chapter 13: How do you deal with rejection?

Chapter 14: How do you deal with fear and worry of the future?

Chapter 15: How do you stop over-thinking everything?

Chapter 16: How do you let go of over-commitments and simplify your life?

Chapter 17: How do you find happiness within?

Chapter 18: How do you love when you’re afraid of love?

Chapter 19: How do you love someone when you have trouble loving yourself?

Chapter 20: How do you surrender and live more lightly?

Chapter 21: How do you love the next time around?

Are you ready for a self-love cleanse? Need specific strategies and tips to make big changes in your life?

The suggestions and tips in this book are practical and focused on helping you make real life changes so you show up in the world differently.

Ready? Pick up Love Yourself After Heartbreak here. It’s on sale this week for $.99.

 

Overcome Feelings of “Not Good Enough” After a Breakup (New Book)

The relationship is over but your past contains so much wreckage and rubble.

If your relationship was difficult, challenging and full of conflict, you’re not alone.

Likely, in the final days or months of your relationship or marriage, you both spent a lot of time tearing each other down.

After a long and conflict-filled relationship, you will doubt your own self-worth.

If you grew up having your family take shots at your self-esteem, your ex likely didn’t make it any better.

If your partner ended the relationship first and the breakup wasn’t mutual, you’re likely feeling worse about yourself than ever before.

Feelings of “not good enough” and “worthlessness” can consume your life.

This section from my newest book, Love Yourself After Heartbreak, will help you repair your self-worth and self-confidence.

7 Ways to Overcome Feelings of Not Being Good Enough

1.Being Aware. The first step to heal feelings of not being good enough is self-awareness.

Your ex might have destroyed your self-worth but if you dig a bit deeper, you’ll find that others sabotaged your self-worth as you grew up.

Who did? What did they do and how did their actions affect your self-worth?

If you can acknowledge the things that damaged your self-worth in the past, you have a starting point for the work and healing that you need to do. You know you’ll have to deal with the people who emotionally hurt you before – forgive them and come to terms with the hits to your self-worth.

Also, become aware of your belief system.

When things go wrong, what hurtful things do you say to yourself? When you disappoint yourself or make a mistake, what internal dialogue do you have?

The idea is to notice these thoughts and beliefs as soon as they pop up.

2.Prove your internal chatter wrong.

Observe your internal self-talk and how you’re putting yourself down.

Pick up on these remarks and prove those statements wrong.

If you’re telling yourself you’re not intelligent, remind yourself about your achievements and academic laurels.

If you’re telling yourself you’re useless, remind yourself about all the people you’ve helped and how many people appreciate you.

This is an active process of continuously rebutting the negative self-talk and self-criticism in your mind.

This internal chatter is simply a continuation of the attacks from people who ruined your self-worth as you grew up.

You heard others attack you and now you mentally attack yourself.

3. Rebut with positive affirmations, visualization

Not only acknowledge and rebuild this self-talk; actively replace the thoughts with more positive ones.

Some suggest the use of mantras and affirmations to feel more worthy.

You’ll know whether you find this helpful.

You can also visualize yourself in a state of worthiness and imagine what that would feel like.

How would you stand? How would you interact with others? How would you show up in the world? Continue to picture yourself in that state until you end up living in that state.

Visualize worthiness until you arrive at worthiness.

Replace your negative self-talk and improve your self-worth with words, emotions, images and beliefs of high self-worth. Take every opportunity to confront the negative view of yourself and substitute it with a positive one. Turn this into a daily practice.

4. Declutter your friendships and negative influences in your life

Another action is to see who is around you in your everyday life.

You may need a friend-and-family purge. Yes, in the ideal world you’re mature and strong enough to not let negativity bother you. If you’re already there, forget this step.

If you’re still struggling, take note of every person in your life, especially the people who make you feel terrible about yourself. Do whatever you can to reduce the time you spend with these people.

Stay as far away from them as you can.

If they live in the same house you do (for example, your parents), minimize the time you spend with them.

Create a negativity-free zone around your life and minimize the number of people who make you feel bad about yourself. This is not a permanent solution but a temporary strategy while you are working on your self-worth.

5. Doing good makes you feel good.

You feel good about yourself when you are doing things that make you feel good.

You will feel good when you take part in activities you do well in.

If you’re an expert in a particular area or the go-to person in your family for something, do more of that.

If you’re the family party planner, plan the party.

If you’re the creative one at work, do more creative work there.

If you’re the leader, lead.

Doing those activities you’re good at will make you feel better about yourself.

Soak in all the positivity, compliments and good wishes you get when you do those things you’re good at doing.

The other activities that make you feel good about yourself are those you generally like doing.

All of us have different healthy feel-good activities.

Drinking martinis or relishing carne asadas may be your feel-good activity but other things you do awaken your heart and bring your soul alive.

Which activities bring you bliss and happiness? Which activities challenge you?

Doing more of these activities will help you feel good about yourself. Spending more of your time in nature, gardening, surfing, going to the movies, shopping or whatever else brings you to a place of bliss – do more of that.

6. The expansive view of yourself

One more way to boost your self-worth involves the spiritual dimension.

Beneath your personality and outward appearance is the real you.

This is a person you hardly know or spend time with.

You have experiences as the “external” you who shows up in the world. You’re a sister, aunt, lawyer, friend, neighbor, etc. Everyone, including you, has a perception of who you are but you really don’t know who you are.

Getting to this person is getting to your essence.

Once you realize who you are and live from that place, you have the potential to live a highly worthwhile life.

When you’re living from this essence or your spiritual center, you no longer depend on other people’s values or perception of you.

How do you get there?

You slowly unmask and remove all the layers of who you are.

You detach from the different roles you play in the world, from family member to professional to parent, etc.

You become quiet and get into nature to see yourself as someone deeper and more spiritual than who you currently show up as. You get to the fiber of your being.

What do you do that helps you feel more soulful?

The church may be the last place that does this for you.

It could be as simple as spending time with your children or gardening.

Keep tapping into this spiritual realm.

Work on seeing yourself as part of the bigger spiritual fabric of the world.

7. Trust yourself more. 

When you feel unworthy, you have no sense of yourself. You’re lost. You feel invisible.

To overcome these feelings of worthlessness, like you don’t exist, you have to not only get to your spiritual center as described above, but you have to get in touch with the wise inner person who resides within you.

You have a guide. You have a voice of reason and wisdom.

You have yourself. Call it your intuition, self-knowledge or higher self.

Within you is this all-knowing, all-wise person in majestic robes who knows what’s best for you.

This inner-person is guiding you but if you’re like me, you avoid, ignore and hardly acknowledge this voice of wisdom.

To live more in harmony with this voice and to raise your worthiness, listen to this voice more often.

Check in with this voice regularly and ask it to guide you in your decision-making.

You can read more about how to repair your self-worth in my new book, Love Yourself After Heartbreak here.

Should You Stay In A Bad Marriage?

It’s not as easy as you think.

Everyone and their mother – and, for sure, all Indian mothers – would tell you this is a no-brainer.

Of course you’re going to stay in this relationship – no matter how suicidal you are.

The East would say, “Listen to your head and do what feels practical and takes everyone else’s happiness into account. Don’t kill your family by being so selfish and thinking only about yourself.

Yet, in America and much of the Western world, which values individual happiness, this isn’t going to fly.

In these parts, we hold happiness to be paramount.

Relationships are dynamic here. If they don’t work, they end. People move on in search of other people who will make them happy.

The West would say, “Listen to your soul and do what feels right.  Don’t kill yourself by hiding from the truth.”

Culturally, different parts of the world would answer this question differently.

I’m not going to refer to any cultural norm. Instead, I’m going to encourage you to consider these 7 questions instead.

If you’re in an unhappy relationship and feel stuck, here are 7 questions to consider.

1. Does hope exist for improvement?

Is there something that you haven’t tried?

Being realistic, can your relationship improve?

I’m not asking you to hold onto an impossible dream based on delusional thinking.

I’m asking you to inspect your relationship to see if you, your partner or any circumstance can change for the better?

Is there a chance for change, a new beginning, or either of you showing up differently?

2.Can either of you change?

Now, in part, this is a trick question because you might think the problem is your partner.

“If he only changed, things would be different,” you’re thinking to yourself. More than likely it is him but it’s also you.

The big difference between him and you is that you can’t control him or how he shows up in the relationship.

So really, the only question is, can you change?

Are you willing to change?

Are you willing to do what it takes to make the relationship work, even if you aren’t the problem?

3.Do you value other people’s happiness more or less than yourself?

This is not a trick question. Many people answer this question differently, and different cultures may have different answers.

I don’t think there’s a right answer. Your society and your culture might be telling you to do one thing but you might personally have a different value system.

If you value maintaining the status quo and keeping others in your life happy, you might have to stay in a dysfunctional relationship.

If you value yourself and your personal happiness, it might be time to call it quits.

4.What is the worst that can happen if this relationship ended?

Think about your situation and imagine the worst case scenario occurred.

Your marriage ended.

Think about all the people you would disappoint, sadden and anger.

Visualize your entire life falling apart, like the rug is being pulled out from under you.

Everything crumbles and your world, as you know it, no longer exists.

Now what?

Can you envision this space? Are you still breathing? Are you “okay” here?

Check in with your body and yourself to see if you can be in this space.

5.Could you tolerate unhappiness in this relationship and find happiness in other parts of your life?

If you are going to stay in an unhappy relationship, then what else can you focus your time and energy on?

I know this isn’t ideal but it is practical.

What else can keep you going? Your kids? Your dreams? Your career?

What else can bring you joy? Your spiritual practice, being in the moment, friendships or travel?

6.Are you willing to work on the relationship?

“Working on the relationship” doesn’t mean that suddenly either of you change and become different people.

“Working on the relationship” means not falling to your default behavior and doing what you would usually do.

It’s handling situations differently.

It’s communicating with each other.

It’s respecting each other.

It’s spending time with each other.

At the tail end of a relationship that is falling apart, these are all the things that you don’t really want to do. So, are you willing to do it?

Are you willing to work on the relationship when your partner is absent, uninterested or unwilling?

7.How much would you regret this relationship in 10, 20 or 30 years?

Think down the road and imagine having survived this relationship for a number of years into the future.

You could take it as far as your deathbed.

Can you see yourself having survived this relationship?

Can you stomach the idea of having to stay put in a dysfunctional relationship for years of your life?

Can you find peace today if you decide to stay?

Seeing yourself in the future and imagining how it will be can give you clear answers about what to do today.

Staying in a bad relationship is never easy. Your values, circumstances and priorities are different from anyone else in the same situation.

Ultimately, you know what’s best for you and you’ve got to make a choice that you will live with the rest of your life.

Photo credit Unsplash