Controlling Manipulative Relationships: The End of An Era

I love you boo. Will my every wish be your command?
I love you boo. Will my every wish be your command?

Please help me welcome a guest post by Secret Spiritual Stories. Enjoy this honest and vulnerable post:

He invited me round. I had a feeling he would want to be more than just friends but something drew me to him even though I didn’t find him attractive. A sliver of a subconscious reaction still active in my brain. He was flamboyant, in your face, ‘out there’ aka my type. I had been historically attracted to and interested in such people because I desired to understand their psychology; perhaps on some level I also desired their levels of confidence. He is the third of a series of men I have been pulled towards for such reasons, but this time was the last.

It was quite obvious from the moment I got there that he was going to try and slowly come onto me. Yet this time was different to my past experiences. The other two guys got me under their spell almost straight away; before long I was their willing, loving, and devoted puppet. Yet since my spiritual awakening, I know that I can always, always say No to the things which do not resonate with Who I Am and Who I Want To Be.

He called me Bubu, Munchkin, Minnie Mouse, all sorts of toy-like names which undoubtedly reflected his aim. I laughed and went along with it, knowing that I was seeing it for exactly what it was and I could walk away at any moment.

He told me I was beautiful more times than I could count. Yet when he asked about what I do – his interest fizzled out quickly. Looks were what he wanted to praise me about, my brains, passions and aspirations represented a threat. Yet it was also one of the reasons he was drawn to me. Both the two men who ended up manipulating and controlling me sought girls who wanted to help and heal the world. They simultaneously loved my desire to help others and grow myself, but also found it intimidating. They would feed off my endless generosity and patience with them, taking all they could, and only give back enough to keep the status quo.

He got close to kissing me, but I was dis-interested. After a few hours I was bored by his company and pointless chatter, and I had also satisfied my curiosity. I had discovered, just like with the other two men, that underneath his flamboyant appearance and ‘spiritual’ conversation there was a deep emptiness. A search for something he couldn’t quite put his finger on. A deep well empty of love.

I gave him that love by walking away. By giving myself respect, and telling him No. I showed him by my example that I am I am worthy and strong and that he can be so too. That I can choose freely who I want to be with, and that his power, tricks, manipulations were just not going to cut it. I’d been there twice already, learnt my lessons, paid my time.

I am grateful for this experience as it reminded me of where I had been in the past, and the direction I am now headed in. I can now turn away from those who desire to leech me of love and then blame me when it runs out. I can understand that over-confidence stems more often that not from a lack of Self-confidence.

I have been easily manipulated in the past, I have let myself be controlled because I thought that was best for me. I thought that in some strange way, that this was also showing love. Yet once I cut my puppet strings loose, the second time, I found a love much more powerful and deep than I had ever experienced with my puppet masters. A deep love, respect and adoration for my Self. For the Inner Goddess within me, and for this in all people. And from this arose a confidence that outshines the flamboyance and party-tricks of my past manipulators.

I know these men are only doing what they feel is right, according to their level of consciousness and experience. Because I understand that and accept it, and accept that I am also imperfect and have hurt others just as they hurt me, I forgive them.

Yet I also leave them behind in that era of my life, and move on to higher pursuits of pure unconditional love, which I now know must be found first and foremost within me, because only from that place, can I truly love others too.

Secret Spiritual Stories is written anonymously by a friend to all. Β By sharing her stories about spirituality (life), she hopes it may help in understanding your own path too. Β Come, ask questions, share thoughts and be welcomed by someone who won’t judge you in any way – SSS is a place for all to be Who They Truly Are. You can follow her journey on Twitter or Facebook * Photo credit Seranya

Have you walked away from relationships or friendships because they were controlling and manipulative? Please share your reflections and thoughts in the comments below. Thank you!

37 Comments

  1. Great story about realizing that self-love and self-acceptance have to come first. Otherwise we are just temporarily filling a void. I wish you all the best in your new relationships with your newfound centre.

  2. I totally get this. I am sometimes called beauty with brains and I get all excited that somebody also likes my brains. And then I realize that is just the teaser and soon it is only beauty they want to focus on and worser that I begin to worship them. But to be honest I haven’t still managed to break this cycle–I just am able to recognize it and get angry. Raging doesn’t help, unfortuantely. Because then I am called crazy woman πŸ™ On another note, I have realized I myself am manipulative. I note what I tell men to stay in their good books, how I appreciate them, say good things about them so that they would continue to hang on my words. I dislike that in myself. How do I change? How do I become a genuine person?

    1. Hi Bhavana,

      Wow, what self awareness you have. That’s amazing. In order to change anything we first need to be aware that there is something we would like to change. Accept where you are, as grotty and ugly as you may perceive that to be. And then imagine the grandest vision of the person you would like to be in relationships – write/ imagine all the qualities you would like to exhibit with those around you and work towards Being those. Out of the right intentions, blossom wonderful relationships.

      Thank you for reading, please send me an email or contact me if you would like to share more!

      Love and hugs to you.

      SSS

  3. Did you say Men…or boys?! πŸ™‚

    On a serious note, great self awareness here and sticking with your desires. However, the awakening process is for both men and women. We are all conditioned that we can’t ask for what we want, that No is an not acceptable answer, that there is an abundance and not scarcity, that rejection means we are bad!

    We all crave to be seen in all those deep dark corners that we don’t approve of and be loved in all those places.

    You are on and amazing journey!

    1. Hi Kapil,

      When does a boy become a man? πŸ™‚ I would love to know.

      Thank you for your awesome comment. I am enjoying saying No as I know it is now better for me and the other person involved. Being strong in a No means that you don’t leave the other person wondering, and hanging onto a thought or idea which you don’t see happening.

      Love,

      SSS

  4. I love this & have had similar experiences with friends. Interestingly the other person doesn’t always see this as a way to grow, I have been called selfish & stubborn but in the end I know deep down that self love & self care are the only ways I can create peace, fill up my reserve tank & then go on to serve others. Wonderful writing.

    1. Hey Jayne,

      Oh welcome to my world! I’ve been called selfish and stubborn since I was old enough to talk. When you respect your own needs, you begin to respect those of others. We can’t serve if our tanks are empty!

      Thank you for commenting.

      SSS <3

  5. I think ultimately any healthy relationship would stem first from a mutual deep sense of love and respect for your self first as you can only give away what you have within…

  6. Great post! I think I’m still in the process of “cutting the puppet strings” and looking forward to the liberation that comes with it. This article really spoke to me and I think it’s important to recognise that there are manipulative relationships which can occur in all areas of our lives (works, friends etc) and how we choose to deal with them will have a huge impact on our happiness.

    1. Hi there πŸ™‚

      That is very true. The most obvious relationships we focus on are those which are romantic, but manipulation can happen in any form. I wish you all the best in your journey to freedom and the joy and happiness which will arise from this!

      SSS

  7. So much realisation and acceptance in your post. What an amazing feeling it must have been to have reached the pinnacle of ultimately valuing and loving yourself. We all, myself included, are always guilty of being hardest on ourselves, especially when we find it so easy to forgive others. Thank you for sharing your experience.

  8. How lovely to watch your expansion of spirit take place. It’s going to be interesting to see who is drawn to the new you, now that you’re in a glorious place of love.

    Thanks Vishnu for sharing.

    1. Hi Elle,

      It’s so beautiful in expansion… I wish that everyone could experience it! I am also intrigued as to who will turn up on my path now… time will tell! I look forward to checking out your blog πŸ™‚

      SSS

  9. I’ve been in controlling and manipulative relationships in the past, too – both as ‘victim’ as well as ‘perpetrator’. I use quotation marks here because I don’t think these issues are so black and white, and that these relationships are actually an unspoken agreement between two people with low self-worth that ‘benefits’ both by confirming the beliefs they unconsciously hold about themselves.

    Whenever a person is acting in a controlling or manipulative way, it usually means that s/he has been emotionally wounded, is feeling insecure and may not be fully aware of it, and/or doesn’t know how to change this behaviour yet. Underlying all of this is a desire to be loved and accepted, together with an often unconscious sense of self-loathing.

    I don’t think that anybody goes out of their way to consciously to hurt and manipulate others – it often comes from a deep need of being loved, and, as you point out, from an inner sense of emptiness.

    What I really like about your article is that you have the strength now to walk away and not get sucked into this old game any longer. Because, usually it’s also the ‘victim’ who gets something out of the controlling relationship, and very often that is an old identity that depends on being controlled. Well done for getting out of this toxic cycle and thanks for sharing.

    1. Hi Tiziana,

      Your words are very true. There is always an agreement on some level (soul/subconscious or consciously) to play out certain roles so you can experience what that feels like. There are messages in such experience – the question is – will we hear the message? Or will we just keep repeating the same patterns over and over?

      I believe too that no one ever means to hurt anyone – that it just their understanding of the world and people which leads them to act in certain ways. And also a deep down desire/ need for love and acceptance. There are just loving ways, and fear-based ways to go about getting what you need.

      Thank you for sharing your wisdom!

      SSS

  10. Those types of relationships happened in my life. Like you, one day I “woke up” and realized that what I thought was love was only the need to control.
    Thank you for sharing such a personal story. I do hope it touches the hearts and minds of those who think being someone’s puppet is okay.
    Blessings!

  11. What an interesting story. It’s good to read about what women go through when they’re approached by a man. That’s a side I don’t get to see very much since I’m a guy.

    I’ve been in a bad relationship before. She wasn’t manipulative or anything like that, but she was just generally a bad person if that makes any sense. She was really negative and had a bunch of self-esteem problems that leaked out into her personality. It just wasn’t good. Fortunately I got out of that relationship and into a better one. Now I’m married and I couldn’t be happier. Sometimes finding someone means going through a bunch of people who just don’t work out.

    1. Hi Steve,

      I’m glad you enjoyed it πŸ™‚ it was lovely to share and be open about such things.

      We want to be with people who reflect the goodness we see in ourselves – sometimes we have to see what we are not – in order to find out who we truly are. I wish you all the happiness in your marriage.

      Love,

      SSS

  12. Isn’t it refreshing when you finally realise the pattern you’ve been living and decide to break it? It’s like breaking out of a prison you created for yourself.

    More power to ya!

  13. It is an awakening, isn’t it? Then you look back and wonder at how willing you were to hand over yourself to someone else’s control. I like the way you described giving him love by walking away. I’ve had to do that too, even with some family members.

  14. I love this story. It shows how truly far you have come as a person in life.

    You reached a whole new level of awareness for yourself and for other people. That’s not easy to do and I’m sure those first two relationships were the teaching tools to get you to this place.

    Very powerful story and huge congrats on straying away from unhealthy relationships.

  15. This idea blew me away: Respecting yourself and setting boundaries is not only good for yourself, but for the other person, too. I hadn’t thought about it in that way before, but it is a great and true point. Thank you for writing about it.

    Plus, I admire how you forgave him. Most people (myself included) would not be able to see beyond the intended manipulation and think themselves right to be miffed. It takes courage to get off the high horse and walk the rough road. Bravo to you!

  16. This was a wonderful story and it reminded me of the power of what happens when one works on his/her spiritual development – we become more awakened and can see through other people’s real intentions far more easily.

    Thank you.

    1. Hi Hiten,

      That is very true – my psychic powers and powers of discernment in general are so much stronger. I just tap in and listen to what my intuition says and follow that.

      Thank you for your comment πŸ™‚

      SSS

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