Does True Love Exist? 15 ways to Find your Life Partner.

How do I find my life partner?

When will true love strike?

What can I do so I don’t spend my life alone?

These are some of the many questions people write in about after reading my blog.

While I’m touched that most people would think I’m qualified to answer such questions, I’m also a little bewildered.

I could tell you what doesn’t work in a relationship and how my marriage failed.

I can tell you how love can fizzle out.

I can tell you about lost love. Shattered love. Painful love.

But true love?  

Asking me for love and relationship advice is like asking Jay Z how to live the simple life.

Or Donald Trump for hair advice.

It’s inquiring Lance Armstrong about how to win the Tour de France clean. Ouch!

I don’t know the answers and am by no means an expert on the subject.

What I can tell you though, is that this post is based on personal experiences, conversations with married friends and couples, and insight from dating Casanovas.

And having read plenty of magazine articles and books on the subject of love and relationships, I know when the advice doesn’t resonate or is just plain wrong.

See, at Cosmo and Glamour, they solicit your attention through steamy and provocative articles meant to arouse and entertain. And designed to get you to buy their magazine!

Over here, I try to dispense practical and common sense advice (I guess now I know why you’re reading this completely free while those slick glossies charge $10 bucks an issue).

Anyhoo…love may be a knocking so let’s get straight to it. Here’s a practical no-nonsense guide to finding your life partner. 

1)    The secret about true love that will bring you back to reality.

I hate to break the news to you, but true love doesn’t exist.

In the book, Marry Him; The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, author Lori Gottlieb cites biological anthropologist Helen Fisher’s studies on the physiology of romantic love.

“She found that when you feel that strong chemistry with someone, the brain system that becomes activated is the reward system, which is what also lights up when you reach for a piece of chocolate or cigarette or an amphetamine.” Gottlieb writes.

Fisher’s research shows with all the dopamine floating around, it’s hard to realize that you’re simply experiencing a chemical state which can last anywhere from 18 months to 3 years.

“Fisher isn’t saying that chemistry isn’t important. It’s just that it helps to know that it might take time to develop.” Gottlieb writes.

To start looking for true love, know that you might be looking for compatibility – someone who you can grow with, a partner and a friend.

If you change your mindset about love, you’ll quickly let go of tingling love notions, passionate romances and breath-taking chance meetings.

While chemistry will cause your heart to flutter, compatibility will make for a meaningful lifetime relationship.

2)    The more of these you have in common, the more compatible you will be.

I wanted to carve out this section on mindset to encourage you to be conscious of your mindset. Being more aware of this concept could change your entire approach towards dating and relationships.

Even those who are looking at the prospects of arranged marriages can use this tool to determine if the person being introduced to them is the right person for them.

Life coach, Tim Brownson, talks a lot about value systems in life. You can use a set of values to determine what makes you happy. Once you are clear on your values, then you can be uber-clear on your priorities.

Not only are values important to your life and your goals, but I’ve now come to believe this values-based approach can apply to every single area of your life, including relationships.

Determine what your core values in life are, ideally your top 3 or 4.

Do you value freedom the most? Do you value family? Independence? Love? Justice? Spirituality? Faith? Freedom? Compassion? Humility? Adventure? Loyalty?

Figure out what values you’re seeking for in a partner.

And I’m not talking about qualities like, “tall, hot and handsome.” Or someone who looks like Matthew Mcconaughey, Piercce Brosnan or George Clooney.

Or even qualities like, “I’m looking for someone who likes to water paint in the nude, rocks Bikram yoga or delights in gluten-free restaurants.” While you can consider shared interests and preferences (see my tips below), I’ve become a big proponent of a values based mindset to finding true love.

And the best part about this is that you get to do this now before going back out into the dating world. Doing this ahead of time and sober, allows you to be more conscious about your priorities, values and ideal life partner.

And yes, you can pick up Tim’s book here to understand your values and determine the values you’re looking for in a partner.

3)    Too good to be true or good enough?

Often, and especially when you’re younger in life, you tend to have improbable expectations and a long list of traits you desire in your partner. But sometimes  almost always “good enough” is all you need, which is exactly the journey author Lori Gottlieb had, as she’s written about in, Marry Him; The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough.

Dr. Michael Broder, a psychologist Gotlieb talks to, had this to say: “‘I hear all the time, ‘If I can’t have a guy who is this, that or the other thing, I’d rather be alone,’ he told me. So I say, ‘Okay, but be prepared to get your second choice. Because with that sense of entitlement, that’s what you’ll probably get: being alone’”.

Dr. Broder believes many people bring a sense of entitlement to dating, including the desire to be adored in a ‘fantasy’ way. People seem to be “looking for an idealized spiritual union instead of a realistic marital partnership.”

So, let’s cut out the fantasies, starry-eyed expectations and 200-item checklists. (That’s what my friend Janet did here.)

Humans are imperfect, have shortcomings in different areas of their lives and make mistakes. Shocker! If you reduced the expectations, even cutting them down by half or a third, more people would become appealing to you.

4)    Sailing to the same destination?

In Marry Him, the author relates the advice of matchmaker Lisa Clampitt, who matches people like this: “Number one, I look at whether two people have common relationship goals. Number two, I look at values…”

The notion of a relationship goal in regards to your relationship is important. You have to know for yourself if you want kids, if you plan to stay at home or be the bread-winner.

Having a general idea of your relationship goals will help you find someone who shares those goals with you.

Talking about this in the initial rendezvous can avoid future misunderstandings and conflict.

5)    The person who can truly complete you.   

Never go into a relationship needing to feel whole, fulfilled or complete.

If you think that someone else will make you happy, you probably still believe in Santa Claus, the tooth fairy and Cinderella.

If you’re over the age of 8, however, you know you can’t compensate for your happiness with or through someone else.

If you’re feeling needy, broken or incomplete, let me suggest an afternoon rerun of Dr. Phil or visiting a good therapist, instead of getting yourself a man!

A partner cannot make you happy, complete you, erase 20 years of trauma, or turn you into Wonder Woman.

You can do that.

Before you go out seeking for someone else to fix or heal you, take on the task yourself: get therapy if necessary, start on your path to self-improvement, start a mindfulness practice so you’re more in tune with yourself.

Set out to make changes and transform areas of your life that need work.

No matter how much Enrique Iglesias wants to take your pain away and be your hero, you can’t find salvation in another person.

You have to be the hero of your own life.

6)    Wanted: The Real You

If you’re putting on airs about yourself, trying to be someone you’re not and playing the role of a confident, loving and down to earth person when you’re not – stop!

You have to start from where you are.

Don’t get caught up with how other couples you know are doing, compare yourself to your friends vacationing in the Bahamas or dress like you’re a Paris runway model. Unless, of course, you are a Paris runway model.

Allow spiritual practices to get to your core. Move away from materialism, superficiality and frivolous pleasures for more meaning and purpose.

Once you stop living your life like a reality TV star and go within, you’ll come to a better understanding of who you are. Now, make improvements and nurture the real you.

Let go of a lifetime of customization and being shaped by society. Be your own authentic self: the person underneath the baggage who lost their identity over the years.

7)    Raise the roof. Ok, how about your vibrations?

To meet a man or woman, you have to be in a good place yourself and align yourself with your higher energy.

Law of attraction sage, Melody Fletcher, discusses going up the vibrational ladder so you’ll be vibrating more positive energy.

When you take the woo woo or mystery out of vibrations, it’s as simple as this: more good things happen in your life when you’re vibrating or exuding more positive energy.

When you’re feeling happy, confident, peaceful and joyful, you’ll attract more such experiences (and people) into your life.

If you’re an angry, maniacal sociopath with vendettas to fulfill, you’re going to attract shady characters with prison records into your life.

Try the various exercises Melody talks about over at Deliberate Receiving by working through emotions and moving towards healthier vibrations. Work through your emotions, change your thoughts and find techniques to put yourself in an optimal place.

8)    Strive to be the person you’d want to date.

This tip is a combination of all the tips here. It sure would be nice to dream up a perfect person with wonderful characteristics who can become your hero and savior.

Once again, this would require you to do no work on your own.

If you’re confident, at ease with yourself, grounded with healthy habits and a balanced emotional human being, then congratulations Kate Middleton, you’re already married to a prince and have given birth to the future King of England.

For the rest of us mortals and royal subjects, we have self-improvement to work on.

If you are seeking someone who is financially stable, work on improving your own financial condition.

If you are seeking a kind-hearted, patient soul who serves the poor and attends mass regularly, work on your patience and generosity.

Become the person you want to date.

9)    If you think you can change another person…

Anyone who’s in a relationship believing they can change the other person is naïve, foolish, or single. Or will soon be!

Simple advice here: know that you cannot change anyone. Even if you’re Gisele, Heidi Klum, Beyonce or Hillary Clinton, you can’t change your man, so don’t even try.

Once you know this, you have two choices: work on yourself or walk out of the relationship. If the person you’re with is worth it but has some less than desirable qualities, try to embrace and accept the person anyway.

Or you can be honest with yourself and walk; skate like Catriona Le May Doan out of the relationship.

You can’t change your man or woman just like you can’t change the weather.

Just like you can’t get the Starbucks barrista to spell your name right on your cup. (Oh wait, is that just me?)

Just like you can’t get your cat to respect you. Or your dog to get off your bed on wintery nights.

Some things in life will never change.

10)  Look out for shared interests and background.

Remember in the mindset strategy above, I suggested that finding someone who has your shared values is the most important.

Once you have the most important qualities down, you can also be on the lookout for common interests and qualities. Don’t overdo it, but I think it’s perfectly acceptable to look for someone who also has the same cultural, spiritual or religious background as you.

You’re entitled to find a partner who enjoys listening to Kenney Chesney, vacationing in Yosemite or playing ultimate Frisbee on the weekends.

Your hobbies, sports, music, movie, travel, food and interests are what makes you unique.

Don’t expect or demand your partner love weekend trips to the Bahamas, Broadway plays, church with Michael Beckwith or joining you at your next Oprah book-club event.  You can absolutely be compatible with someone who doesn’t, and they certainly can grow to enjoy those activities over time.

11) What you can do alone, do with others.

And no, this point has nothing to do with sexual satisfaction – come on people, we’re having a semi-serious discussion here.

When you’re trying to find that long-term relationship and sick of random-blind date hook-ups and online dating, try to explore your interests and passions in a group setting.

If you’re a runner, join a running club. If you’re a yogini, go to busier yoga classes or do yoga in the public park. Enthusiastically and boldly attend events with other people.

A group scenario will allow you to find others with similar shared interests. Be more enthusiastic to say yes to shared group activities. Look for opportunities to meet more people.

12) Shorter and more plentiful dates.

Why have long lunches or dinners when a brief coffee will give you all the details you need to make a decision about the person?

Intentionally, set up dates for 30 to 45 minutes and let the other person know ahead of time. You’ve already figured out your values and know what your relationship goals are.

When you’re clear about yourself and the other person, you’ll know very quickly if a person is right for you or not. You don’t need 12 dates or even 2 hours.

By cutting down on the length of time you meet someone, you’ll get good at dating and determining who’s right for you and who isn’t.

On the same note, you can also increase the number of people you’re meeting with. It’s a numbers game, folks – the more people you meet, the more likely you are to find someone compatible.

Having said this, do trust your instinct. If you can’t make up your mind after a lunch or a couple dates, give it a chance and keep an open mind.

13) Test their commitment.

Once you think you’ve landed on Mr. or Mrs. Right, or Mr. or Mrs. Good Enough, your next step is to see their life situation. Is this person looking for a long term relationship and commitment?

If they’re testing the waters, throw them into a shark-infested pool and get the heck out.

If they’re finding themselves, you don’t have to play hide and seek with them.

If they’re on a one-way trip to the Himalayas, bid them adieu and tell them to seek extra blessings for you. Tell ‘em to look me up when they get there 🙂

If someone is not sure of who they are or what they want in life, you sure don’t have time to help them figure it out. You’ve got a partner to find, not tango with the lost and the confused.

14) Postpone getting physical.

I don’t think there’s much more to say to this other than don’t get physical! No matter what Olivia Newton-John coons about in her song, “Let’s Get Physical”, don’t get physical!

Turning a relationship into a physical relationship early will hide many of the qualities that really matter to you.

Once your hormones have hijacked your rationality, your heart and your mind are simple prisoners of war. If you want more heartbreak, painful relationships and frustrating flings, get physical. Otherwise, I’m with Steve Harvey’s 90-day rule.

Steve says that you have to wait 90 days before getting into bed together. If it takes 90 days to get the “benefits” at the Ford Motor company, Harvey encourages you to wait 90 days before handing out the “benefits” of a relationship.

Check out the clip below.

15)  Meet many new people and be willing to say goodbye to many more.

Be willing to say goodbye to people you’ve gone out with once or twice.

Have the courage to talk about the relationship and its long-term potential.

If you don’t think it’s the right person, relationship or situation for you, be willing to call it quits.

For longer-term relationships that come to an end, go through the grieving process and work through the pain to get back on track. Be grateful that the relationship has ended and move on by realizing that you’ve just completed a full cycle of growing and learning immeasurable life lessons.

Be willing to let go and say goodbye. Only when you take your mental and emotional energy off the previous person, can you move on to find the right person for you.

Choosing the present moment, instead of lingering painfully in the past, is one way to move forward after heartbreak and loss.

As a matchmaker, Lisa Clampitt, points out, “Long-term compatibility is about respect and common values and building something, not about judgment of imperfections.”

That’s it, friends – 15 strategies to find someone you’re compatible with which can often be more fulfilling than your dream knight in shining armor or flawless prince (both who don’t exist!).

My final caveat is simply to take things slow and not rush into anything you’ll regret later. If you think someone is compatible, give it some time to see if the person has long-term potential.

Be conscious in your dating by being aware of some of the advice here and allow your intuition to lead the way.

Your turn – does true love exist? How did you find the right person for you? If you’re still looking for the “one,” what are the challenges you’re facing? You know where to leave your comments.

51 Comments

  1. Hi Vishnu,
    What an exhaustive list of do’s and dont’s!! I appreciate your research and insight.
    I agree with you that there is no ‘true love’…I am no expert but speaking from observation, I have seen many love marriages falling apart within a few years and many ending in abusive relationships. Even if there is love at the initial stages, it wears off just after a few months. Yes, compatibility is the right approach and even if it does not exist, it can be cultivated if the partners are sincere enough to make it work.

    Love in a relationship blooms slowly. Commitment, patience and respect slowly usher in love and if we give it time, it can develop into so called ‘true love’, which is a misnomer!
    This post can help many youngsters in understanding how to find a good life partner! Thanks for sharing!

    1. Thank you for you comment, Balroop.

      And I appreciate how well you rephrased it (and helping make the whole point in the article:) so well ) – love blooms slowly and the qualities you mention do shape true love: commitment, patience and respect!!

      I don’t think anyone is really an expert on ‘true love’ haha but each person’s perspective and insights help us get more clarity and understanding, so thank you again.

  2. Vishnu! I love this post! I laughed all the way though (I was laughing with you, not at you..).

    For me, love usually starts with the doe-eyed adoration that will either turn into love, or will fizzle out. The former happens because, as you pointed out in your post, our values are aligned. But then we don’t have the same destination in mind, and so the relationship eventually ends.

    I can hear a lot of people saying ‘why is finding someone so difficult??’ I say: taking the time to find someone who will be your companion in life is not something that happens overnight, or comes easily to everyone.

    To answer your question on whether true love does exist – I believe it does. And it depends on your definition of love.

    My definition? It’s acceptance and partnership. I’ll let you know when I find it !

    – Razwana

    1. Razwana – I’m glad you laughed and didn’t take this advice with complete seriousness haha And you’re right – “love” doesn’t happen overnight and does take time! I like your definitions of ‘true love’. Acceptance and partnership sound about right if there ever were such a thing as true love! Of course if we went with such a pragmatic definition, then Justin Bieber (haha) wouldn’t know what to sing and the movie Valentine’s Day would never have been made!!

  3. These are excellent tips, Vishnu. You are so right, it’s about more than chemistry. Chemistry always fizzles eventually. I think your suggestion to look for common values is important.

    I find this tough but true: “Never go into a relationship needing to feel whole, fulfilled or complete.” Since most of us aren’t fully healed, it’s hard not to look for some affirmation from our partner. But, you are so right, it’s better to be whole within.

    I’ve been married for 20+ years and we’ve had our ups and downs. But, we have more love than ever know. I think it’s really about being authentic and taking responsibility for your own healing. Thanks for this mega post on love.

    1. Thank you, Sandra! Glad the post resonated with you. And thanks for reconfirming the importance of of doing our own healing before entering relationships. We will not be cured or be made whole because of someone else – our healing starts with us.

  4. Vishnu, dear mother, you had to write on this just when I was pondering about it!!! Well, no comments here. I have read, tried and discarded plenty of stuff over the years. And then some I have returned to, to re-reflect and re-practice. There is not a point in your post that I would disagree with. True, true, and true. But how to internalize all of them is always the issue.

    1. Hahaha you think it and the universe delivers, Bhavana!! Yes, this is common sense advice and practical tips. But believe it or not, we often don’t follow or become conscious when entering relationships. Suddenly all of this goes out of head and we are captivated by someone new. I think awareness and consciousness in relationships + life is the key. And to be more in tune with our intuition which is super perceptive and regularly communicating with us. We just somehow tend to forget about all that til it’s too late. Awareness, commitment to some of these principles when meeting people and checking in with our intuition are some ways to put this into practice.

  5. Really good post! Great points, and funny too. My wife & I were drawn together because we were going in same direction & cared about similar things. Companionship is so key, and God’s love – what is the truest love of all – is that sustains a relationship.

    1. Thanks for your comments and feedback, Dave. Yes, same life goals + values + companionship + God’s love sounds like the recipe for a happy and healthy relationship. Thanks for adding to the discussion and glad you found a wonderful life partner!

  6. You had a lot to say on this subject for someone who says they don’t feel like they’re an expert on the subject. But can anyone really be an expert in the field of love? Well, some people may study it professionally I guess.

    Personally speaking, I’ve been married for almost three years and I can honestly say that if true love doesn’t exist, you can at least come damn close to it. From what I’ve learned, you have to become the person you would like to marry. Or at least, you need to work on yourself before ever thinking about tying the knot. I’ve dated girls who weren’t very nice. They treated others poorly and didn’t realize they needed to work on themselves. So it’s no surprise that they’ve never married or they had marriages that didn’t last long. All I think when I look back is that if I had somehow married one of them, I would have ended up in divorce. There’s no way I would have lasted with them. Before they can find true love, they would need to work on themselves first.

    1. Thanks Steve for your input! Haha, yeah, I didn’t realize I had this much to say. I don’t know who the expert on love is – you might be if you came pretty close to finding true love.

      I’m glad that you confirmed a couple things I said including becoming the person you would like to marry and work on yourself first.

      That’s awesome that you were able to go through the dating process and find the right person for you.

  7. There are so many things in this post that I’m excited about that I don’t know where to begin!
    It all comes down to removing any obstacles that get in the way of being yourself. Sure, I can act “normal” for a good few weeks, but as soon as I am myself, it’s clear that I’ve wasted time. So why do it?
    I’d rather scare a guy off now, than delay the inevitable 🙂
    One of my favorite things that you wrote was about being the person you want to date. One of the things I’m most attracted to is a sense of humor, intelligence, compassion…(ok, that’s more than one thing) But I realized, that some of that was based on things I felt that I lacked, so I gave it to myself. Suddenly, that desperate yearning became more subtle. I was attracting people who were mirrored the real me.
    I’m going to come back to this post when I’m ready to date again. Maybe I’ll bring it with me on a clipboard with a red pen. Yes, that should make for a great first date!
    Much Love,
    Amita

    1. Thanks for sharing your feedback, Amita! You’re right – it’s all about being your authentic self and the sooner the better, right?! Why prolong something with people we and they are not. Instead of our best selves, why not start with just where we are?

      Also, yes – we can work on those things we desire in another person. I think if the law of attraction is on point, we would then attract people more people like us if we have those qualities we were looking for.

      Don’t take a red pen – it will be too obvious. But do take a list of values and the coaching questions you do with clients. hahaha Determining their values is probably the most important thing for compatibility and it’s the hardest one to determine because we are focused usually on other not so important things. (of course, you don’t mention they’re in a coaching session either lol)

  8. Amazing post, Vishnu! It’s not often that someone takes a topic so difficult and breaks it down so well into parts that we can all understand.

    I have to say I just got lucky. There was nothing more to it. I met and married my high school sweetheart (no, I waited until I was well out of college!) but considerably wiser and we won’t talk about how much older, it was still the smartest thing I ever did, and I can’t believe how much we compliment each other and how much we help each other grow. I’m grateful every day!

    1. Thanks Jess for your comments. I love your story and the ease of it all. Yes, when it’s that good, all you can do is be grateful for the match and the compatibility.

  9. Hey, I think tip number 8 is a very underrated value. I will go further than this and say that if you treat everyone like you are talking to yourself, you will filter out everyone who isn’t in alignment with your values.

    I would also say that to find true love, you must first learn to love yourself. That only comes through acceptance.

    1. Thanks Jamie and welcome! We can’t change others and demand people be what we want them to be. We can only change ourselves and be the best we can be. And no question about self-love. We practice loving others by loving ourselves first.

      Thanks for your comment – enjoyed checking out your refreshing & insightful online home.

  10. Totally loves this post! Been asking myself the same question, does true love really exist?! You explained it all so smoothly 🙂 Good reading material for a single gal on V- day haha!
    Cheers.

    1. Thank you:) for reading and your comment! Now, go find true love – ok, at least true compatibility, similar values and respect! Not as exciting but more likely to last a lifetime!!

  11. V, will you just get a radio show already? This list had me cracking up. Wise and witty. Well done.

    Your tips are solid, particularly this one: “No matter how much Enrique Iglesias wants to take your pain away and be your hero, you can’t find salvation in another person. You have to be the hero of your own life.” Yes. Absolutely true. Many people I know pay no attention to the fact that they’re not taking good care of themselves. They stay in a meaningless job that has no connection to their dreams. They don’t take classes or make time for hobbies. They don’t bother finding their purpose (or they hope their sense of purpose will be felt in the arms of another person). They don’t try to heal from childhood or other past experiences, though they recognize the effects of such experiences impact them negatively today. But they spend a whole lot of time dating and dating – and sometimes ultimately choose the wrong person for the long term – in hopes of finding a way to ease the nagging feelings that something’s not right. It’s up to you to take good care of yourself, to solve your own problems and to do what’s necessary to heal if you have wounds. Everyone I know who’s done all of that on their own appears to be significantly more content with their significant others.

    1. haha thanks for the feedback Jody Lamb – I will work on the media angle! of this blog lol

      I’m glad you like the line about Enrique – you might enjoy the video too hahahaha (kidding!) And you’re right about how people do not take care of themselves, heal and become the people they are capable of.

      So, yes, the search is all outwards as you aptly point out – not inward. Thinking someone else can “save” us is delusional and probably likely to cause more problems for ourselves down the road. Healing ourselves as you point out is not only good for people we’re with but also in the long-run for ourselves.

  12. Very insightful post, and pretty funny too! Yeah, true love does bring you back to reality, and there’s no such thing as love at first sight… only attraction! It’s not me being cynical, it’s just the truth.

    It’s ironic that I’m commenting on a post about love since I just finished writing a post about a director who generally keeps a safe distance from it! 😛

    1. Thanks for your comment, DK! There probably is such a thing as love as first sight but it’s probably fleeting and delusional (and chemically induced) lol

      There are some directors who only talk about intense love stories so it makes sense for others to stay far away from your typical romantic comedy! haha

  13. What a killer post Vishnu!!

    This line really stuck out at me: “While chemistry will cause your heart to flutter, compatibility will make for a meaningful lifetime relationship.”

    I’ve been dating my current girlfriend for about two years, and it’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in for that simple reason: instead of looking for a lover, I began looking for a friend. Once I found an amazing friend, I did all I could to make her into my girlfriend (luckily for me she agreed!)

    I’m not sure if true love exists, but I think true friendship does.

    1. Chris – you ended with a great line which stuck out for me and kind of sums up my thoughts – true love might not exist but true friendship does! Great insights.

      So glad that you found a friend and girlfriend in the same person! Thanks for your visit and adding your perspective.

  14. great one Vishnu! And thanks for linking me 😀 Remember I did my list on YOUR advice though… 🙂 And it really helped!! I got all I wanted on my ‘short list’ of top 4 qualities in my current partner.

    I’m not sure I agree with postponing the physical though. ;D But I definitely agree with going for Mr. “Good Enough” instead of Mr. Right. Because that doesn’t exist. Loved all your thoughts here! One thing I sort of ‘hate’ about relationships or when I’m in one is that I start to feel more boring as a person. I think couples in general tend to keep to themselves more.. and singles are more into socializing/networking/hanging out with friends. When you’re a couple, you seem to drop out of the friend dates as much… I hate that! Not to mention this perceived lack of freedom that I have wherein I start being less awesome about traveling a lot/doing my own thing/marching to my own beat. In my pas experience I just haven’t liked the groove I get with other people and much prefer my own groove when I’m single.. marching to my own beat! 😛 I want to feel single but still have the commitment of a couple. Is that possible?? hahaha.

    1. Well, glad your values-based approached J and glad you’re convinced on good-enough instead of Mr. Perfect or Mr. Right! I hope you’ve landed him by the way and he may be better than good-enough:)

      And I think to the question you posed is yes!! if you can find someone who shares the same values as you. YOu can have your cake and eat it too. If you find someone who values independence and freedom as much as you do, they may be open to hanging out with other people and being more social. Maybe you won’t be out with other singles but with other couples more? Or maybe you’ll have your own group of friends and social life and also enjoy the socializing with other couples which basically expands your social life.

  15. Vishnu,

    One of your best articles (of the ones I’ve read) so far!

    At first I thought it would be bland (most love-articles are), but to my pleasant surprise it wasn’t!

    A lot of people would be “offended” by stating that love is merely a chemical reaction. But not me. 🙂

    PS:
    Funny that you mention the Law of Attraction in the article, at such a timely occasion, for me.

    1. Thank you Ludwig – glad you enjoyed it and appreciate the feedback. See, how powerful the LOA is at work haha – you write about it and then see it everywhere you go! You may deny the LOA but it won’t deny you LOL

  16. Hi Vishnu! First time reader of your blog here and this post caught my eye. Firstly cause you had that Tjuhe Dekha To video at the start. I love Bollywood movies. We’re just compatible that way. Secondly, your Starbucks barista theory is true. (I used to work at Starbucks and left about three years ago and I know how it is to mess people’s name’s up!)

    Anyway, killer post. I’ll be around to read more. Glad to discover an awesome blog. 🙂

    1. Aqilah – so glad to have you here and looking forward to getting your input – especially from a health and fitness perspective! And a life perspective, of course.

      I’m slowly becoming a fan of Bollywood movies myself haha (don’t tell anyone!!) and yes, Aqilah is probably as difficult to write on a cup as Vishnu. Of course, if you were working there you didn’t mispell your own name but have probably seen it happen at other Starbucks that you’ve visited.

      Anyway, welcome and drop by often !

  17. Great tips Vishnu,

    True love does exist. Another important factor is that you have to like the people around the person you are dating: friends and family. It’s going to be difficult to have a long term relationship with them if you don’t like or can’t get along with the people they spend time with.

    1. Thanks for the feedback, Dan. And thanks for adding to the post. I can definitely see the importance of getting along with your significant other’s family and friends – you will be spending A LOT of time with them so might as well be compatible with their broader circle of friends, family.

      Always glad to see you here.

  18. Vishnu, I really like how this post has evolved!

    I totally agree with what you have written. I have been married twice. The first time, I was not in the right place in my life to make a life-commitment to another person. I was young, lacked self-esteem, self-confidence, and was still trying to find myself. I married someone I thought I could change (huge mistake!). But five (long) years later, we divorced. It took a long time to learn to forgive myself for what I felt (at the time) was a personal failure. But I did forgive myself; and for the first time in my life I was able to take time to build personal confidence and eventually began to love myself. Just as you’ve outlined in your post, a healthy relationship with yourself is key to attracting a healthy relationship with another person. A few years later, I met my husband Rod; or, as I call him, my “puzzle-piece”. I knew he was “the one” almost right away. We had so much in common and he made me laugh like only an old friend can.

    However, just because I have found my “true-love” doesn’t mean we are always in-sync. In fact, it takes a lot of hard work and dedication to get through life with a partner. Like every healthy and balanced relationship, there is conflict and resolution.

    Anyway, enough about me… great post! I really think your tips are worthwhile and they certainly worked in my case!

    1. Thanks Alex – one of my few blogging and real life life friends 🙂 since I haven’t met too many of my blogging buddies in person (yet!)

      Glad the points resonated and thanks for sharing your story and perspective. I did not realize that you were previously married and there was a pre-Rolex era haha And I’m even happier to hear what helped you move on from your past and move forward – a healthy relationship with yourself.

      The fact that you call “Ro” lol your puzzle-piece puzzle piece makes me think that maybe true love does exist?? Or maybe it’s true friendship as another commenter, Chris, mentioned above? And here’ the thing – in every relationship there is indeed conflicts and resolution. I mean “Ro” could be the conflict and “Lex” could be the resolution hahahah (I never said that!)

      Thank you both inspiring this post 🙂

  19. You had me smiling, grinning and laughing while reading this post. Different people relate differently to love because of their varied experiences of it.

    For me, I see love as something that is lit up and expansive like sunlight. It makes the world brighter, happier and a beautiful place to be in. And yes, true love does exist but finding it involves a lot of hard work. Tons of hard work, to be really honest. Yet without love or perhaps the hope of finding love one day, there seems to be no reason for human lives to exist the way they do.

    Now that I have managed to sound as mushy as a teenager (this proves i haven’t grown up!!!), let me share my thoughts on your post about love. There are no hard and fast rules but I am glad you have listed some basic (read: practical) aspects to consider.

    These are the best and most valuable points you mentioned in this post:
    1. Never go into a relationship needing to feel whole, fulfilled or complete.

    2.If you’re putting on airs about yourself, trying to be someone you’re not and playing the role of a confident, loving and down to earth person when you’re not – stop! You have to start from where you are.

    3. Don’t get caught up with how other couples you know are doing.

    Great tips, Vishnu! Keep writing and making us smile in wonder and awe!

    1. Swapna – thank you for your comment. Glad you found it entertaining:) And glad those 3 points resonated! I’m no ‘love expert’ haha so everyone’s validation of some of these points will hopefully guide and help others on their journey to better relationships. I like the third point you made – don’t worry about others but focus on your own relationship. Thanks again, Swapna.

  20. My initial reaction to your #1 statement that there is no true love is a big screaming “Whaaaat?” But I was rational enough to continue reading. I agree to what you say here. Honestly, I never believed in falling in love and forgetting reason – such as when you fall for an abusive person.

    Love is not just a feeling. It is something you also fight and sacrifice for. You make the effort to love. Hence, it is not good to break a relationship for the reason that you have lost the feeling. There is something else beyond that!

    1. Great reflections, Rob. Glad you kept on reading and I think we’re on the same page 🙂 Yes, there is in fact something beyond love that can be cultivated and built up over a lifetime. Appreciate your visit and addition to this post as always.

  21. After thinking it over, I just wanted to add that I do believe over time you can have way more in common as you grow together. I have a lot more in common with my husband now, than I did 14 years ago when we started dating. I think for the most part how much we have in common has grown significantly throughout our relationship. We absolutely have differences which I see as key to balancing each other out, but fortunately we’ve rubbed off on each other which makes things easier most of the time.

    1. Thanks for sharing, Wendy! And that’s good news – time brings two people closer together and increases the number of things you have in common with each other. There is hope:)

  22. Hi Vishnu
    Finding true love has a lot to do with what we orselves uphold ;or beliefs and our consideration for others matter a lot.
    What you feel about other people,and believe about them is far more important than your concern over their opinion of you.Their opinion about you is insignificant since your good intent for them is truly good only when it is unconditional.
    True love is a reflection more of what we ourselves are than what we think we are.
    Thanks
    Mona

    1. Thanks Mona – so you’re saying that true love is an inside job? I like that concept a lot!

  23. Man, I am soooo glad that I decided this morning to get caught up on the people I adore.

    This is the first blog post I’ve read in a while, Vishnu….

    ….and as usual, you’ve nailed it.

    I especially liked the part where you suggest to cultivate the qualities you desire in a partner.

    Last year, when I decided to stop chasing happiness and start being happy. A friend of mine listed the qualities she sees in me. I saw very few of those. It was quite a shock.

    But, she knows me pretty well, so I went with it. And I looked for those qualities until I too could see them. And then, did something similar to what you’ve taught here.

    Today, I’m living with an amazing woman. We complement each other, have similar styles, desires and dreams. We both felt complete before we met and so far this is the healthiest relationship either of us have experienced.

    Maybe that comes with age. Who knows?

    But, I suspect that it has something to do with the relationship I now have with me.

    The love I feel for myself is true love and reflects in all that I do.

    Oh, and Vishnu…. I love you man.

    I hope we can catch up via Skype soon.

    1. Tim, so awesome to see you here! Thanks for dropping by. And thanks for sharing the love you cultivated within yourself, the love for this amazing woman, your love for me haha and just love in general 🙂 I guess it is fair to say that you’ll attract those qualities that you yourself have developed and you’re living proof of it. Enjoying keeping up with your life and travels on Facebook – yes, a skype call is in order to catch up.

  24. Hi Vishnu

    I think number 8 is the most important, You have to embody the traits you want to find in others.
    I watched a video of Tony Robbins once and he said he wrote down everything he was looking for in a partner in the most detail he could. He then got rid of all of things that weren’t absolutely vital to him and carried those sheets of paper around with him. He met a woman who matched all of his criteria and married her! Might be worth a try!

    1. Rhydian – welcome to the blog. Awesome tip and thanks for sharing. How about not only writing out that list of your ideal person but trying to become that list as well – it’s a win win!

  25. Wow! Vishnu – you’ve done enough research to write a paper 😉
    I do agree that there’s no True Love – lots of magnetic attraction, definitely, and that must help in the short term. However, the test is always the longevity of the relationship and as your article and it’s following comments point out, compromise, understanding, trust all contribute greatly.
    She’s out there Vishnu 🙂

    1. Thanks Li-ling – I’m not sure I’m looking for ‘her’ haha but I do appreciate the comments and the feedback 🙂

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