I thought it was my bad luck that I kept running into emotionally unavailable people.
The women I met seemed to be closed off from their emotions, wanted to hide them or didn’t want to share them.
This felt odd until I realized that the patterns and behavior I was seeing in women were the exact behaviors and patterns I had seen in myself.
I had a “slam-my-head-on-the-steering-wheel” moment. Oh…it wasn’t the other cars that were the problem. I had to look within my own.
You may also be looking for a partner but this time around you want someone who is emotionally available and willing to commit to you.
Finding an emotionally available partner is more difficult than finding vegetarian food on long stretches of a freeway littered with McDonald’s and Taco Bells.
It’s more difficult than finding a presidential candidate who aligns with your values.
More difficult than finding a yoga teacher who treats yoga like a spiritual practice, not a power exercise.
If you’ve had enough of partners who show up with great fanfare and attention but then disappear within days, here’s what to do.
Instead of asking yourself, “Why can’t I find an emotionally available guy,” approach your search differently.
I’m sharing these insights with you as a guy who was emotionally unavailable (extremely unavailable) and who made efforts to change as well as someone who is looking for an emotionally available woman.
6 ways to find an emotionally available partner.
1) Get comfortable with feelings and welcome in emotions.
You often get caught up with the idea that the right person isn’t out there for you or you simply can’t find the right person.
I’m convinced more than ever that it has nothing to do with the person you’re searching for. You have limited control over that but you do have the ability to make changes within.
One key to finding emotionally available people is to become emotionally available yourself.
Don’t run. Welcome in your feelings. Don’t hide from your emotions. Allow feelings and emotions to come into your life and sit with them. Speak to them, write about them, explore them. Get to know your feelings: the soul-stirring and soul-crushing ones.
If the feelings are overwhelming, talk to a therapist or other professional.
2) Be willing to share how you’re feeling with others.
Share your emotions with others. Share your feelings with people you trust instead of keeping them bottled up.
Share feelings and emotions to reduce the heaviness of both.
If the waves of feelings and emotions are uncontrollable, speak to a professional about them. Otherwise, make space for them to sit and breathe into them.
Know that sharing your feelings with others can be an emotional and spiritual release. It will help you become more vulnerable, encouraging you to get into the habit of speaking your truth and fully accepting yourself.
3) Work on your own emotional wounds and healing.
When you get real and welcome in your emotions, you’re bound to find those things that push your buttons. Your former partners may have pushed your buttons a lot but you never realized they were there to teach you and show you that the wounds were there.
Becoming aware of the wounds is the first step toward healing them. You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.
Get curious about your emotional wounds. Go to the origination point. Where did it develop? How did it grow? What triggers this wound today?
Become a detective of your emotional state.
Once you identify and understand your wounds, you can breathe love into them. You can flood them with light. You can shed them with healing thoughts and beliefs. You can tend to them and care for them.
You can find meaning in these wounds, messages for your life and ways to improve your life. You can tell a new story about these wounds. You can fill the wounds with light and share your light with others who are suffering.
4) Get attentive on how your partner handles emotionally charged conversations.
Once you work on your own issues with emotional strength and openness, notice how your potential partner handles his emotions.
Take notes and observe how your partner responds, reacts and manages his emotional well-being.
Either accept your partner for where he is or don’t accept him. You have that choice but don’t deny or resist the place he’s at.
He’s not necessarily going to change, improve or become the person you want emotionally. And likely, it’s not going to happen overnight.
Become observant. Accept him for where he is and decide if this is going to work for you. Or not work for you.
5) Let your partner know what you’re looking for.
If it’s not working for you, let your partner know what you need from him.
Communicate instead of hiding your emotional needs.
Instruct him, if necessary. Show him what you need from him. Make a request as to what you need from your partner.
Do not bottle up your emotional needs or believe your partner will understand what you want without your saying it.
Speak out your emotional needs. Your partner cannot predict, guess or use telepathy to understand what your needs are.
6) Be willing to let go of relationships that don’t serve you emotionally.
Often we are so terrified of being alone that we would rather put up with anything than break off an unhealthy relationship.
You have a choice: be miserable, unhappy and unloved. Or take your emotional well-being into your own hands.
Find someone who is going to be there for you emotionally.
Let go of being imprisoned by someone else’s emotionally unavailable chains.
By letting go of an unemotionally available person, you give him the opportunity to start working on his emotional needs and opening up.
You also clear room in your life to invite in more emotionally available partners.
* “You can’t be with the right partner when you’re with the wrong one” *