by Vishnu | Jun 8, 2020 | Change, Divorce, Healing, Love and Relationships
I worked as a community organizer after my divorce.
What’s that, you’re asking?
A community organizer is someone who works in the community, bringing people together and improving the social conditions where they live.
They help people change themselves and the community around them.
I loved this work.
I loved the fact that you can tackle significant societal problems and make changes.
I worked together with people in the community to change laws and pass policies that actually made a difference in people’s lives.
You know how we made change?
You know what was my entire job?
To get people to care.
People would rather stay apathetic or accept what was going in their lives than do something about it.
You know why they didn’t do anything about it?
Because they didn’t have any hope or know that change was possible.
So, what did I do to get them to care?
- Painted a picture of what’s possible.
- Showed them they had a choice.
- Gave them hope and encouragement to do something.
If you’re wondering what to do in your part of the world, this is the recipe for changing the circumstances around you.
Look at something you don’t like, let’s say, racism.
Imagine what a better, more equal, and more tolerant society can look like. Realize that you don’t have to accept the status quo.
Get inspiration and hope from people and leaders around you. Get ideas on how to do something about it and then do something.
We need more hope, more people deciding to change the world and more people taking action.
Believe it or not, this is how one person can change the world.
You just have to give a damn and not allow your circumstances to keep you in a paralyzed state. Don’t accept the way things are right now.
Friends, this is the same formula for changing your life too
Let’s say you’ve come out of a bad divorce or breakup. You just feel stuck and paralyzed. You don’t feel like doing anything. You can’t even get out of bed.
Maybe you’ve been stuck for years.
You ended up on this blog, so you know that you have to do something.
I’ve shared the formula with you, but it’s going to require a little work from you.
Not doing anything will not improve the situation.
All those people who say that time will improve your life are lying.
It won’t. All you will do with time is ruminate, get sentimental and start missing the past.
You have to do something to improve your future.
If you’re not doing it for yourself, do it for your kids.
If you’re not doing it for your kids, do something just so your ex won’t get the better of you. Don’t let them steal even more of your life. Don’t let them take your happiness and joy even more than they have.
One of the most powerful exercises I do with clients is getting them to see what their future looks like. I help them visualize what a life of love and happiness looks like.
You never see this future state. You are caught up in the past and remembering all that happened. You think all the good times already passed. You think the best love and the most joy already happened. You don’t think that you can find love, companionship, or happiness again.
I’m here to tell you that’s an incorrect assumption.
I was just where you were a few years ago. I thought my life was over, and there was no hope left after my breakup. I stayed stuck and replayed the past over and over again. I just gave up until I started doing this envisioning work and believing there was a more hopeful day ahead.
I forced myself to imagine the life I wanted even though every day I was living the life I had.
Then, I noticed that to get the life that I wanted, I would have to do some work.
I would have to forgive.
I would have to find closure on my own.
I would have to tell myself a new story about this past relationship.
I would have to rebuild my self-worth.
This took work but it also took a choice.
At what point are you going to make a choice?
Yes, you can grieve and process what happened, but how long are you going to stay stuck?
How long are you going to feel like you experienced the greatest tragedy and injustice?
Your ex walking out on your or cheating on you is pretty screwed up.
They destroyed you.
But how long can you continue to give them power over your life?
It’s time to take your life back.
It’s time to decide you don’t want to stay in bed, in tears and depressed about life.
It’s time to make a choice and then go about making changes.
I’ve given you the recipe on this blog.
If you go through the articles, you will know what it takes to overcome heartbreak and move on with your life.
Beautiful things can come out of heartbreak.
At the moment, my heart is breaking for America because of all the issues the country is facing, but change is possible.
Leaders now have vision on what needs to be done with the police.
Communities and people have a choice that they don’t want to live in a society with racism.
People are taking action to do something. Even the Indian people I know are taking action to support the black lives movement.
It had to get to rock bottom point for change to start happening in my life. I left a career, left a job, and followed my dreams. I rebuilt my self-worth, forgave the people who hurt me in my life, and worked on becoming a better partner in relationships. I started meeting new people and found the most amazing love.
Beautiful things can come to you too.
Out of heartbreak, you can discover your purpose, your meaning in life, and why you were put here.
You can let go of a life that wasn’t suiting you and start living a life you love.
Once you get excited about the life that’s possible and not regretting the life you lost, things start to change.
You begin to do things you never did before.
You decide and choose to better yourself and your life.
You start meeting people and finding people who are a much better fit for you.
The recipe for changing the world is the same recipe for changing your life.
In fact, changing your life will help change the world. When you let go of anger, attachment to your ex, and your past, you will have more self-acceptance, compassion, and love in your life.
You will do more to change your life and the world around you.
If you’re looking for the roadmap for letting go of the past, start here with my book on letting go. If you’re looking on how to find love after heartbreak, check out this book. (affiliate links)
If you’re stuck and need help, reach out to me for support and coaching. One conversation can shift your perspective and change your life.
by Kacey Mya Bradley | Aug 21, 2016 | Meditation, Simple Living, Spirituality
Once upon a time, my daily life was filled with mind-numbing tasks that I completed like a zombie.
I’d wake up to go to the office and barely have the energy to get out of the door. When my day was going well, one thing after another would happen: I’d bang my knee getting dressed and my car wouldn’t start. The stress added up and weighed me down every day.
Hours would pass before I could sleep, and then I’d wake up with a racing mind. Even when I tried to slow down or take a daycation, the stress would creep its way back into my life. The day I started to practice mindfulness, my entire life shifted—what really mattered in my life was given my full attention, and my worries began to dissipate as I dealt with them from a more aware perspective.
What Mindfulness Is Not
Mindfulness isn’t a reset button as much as I wished I could hit that button. The snooze button worked for a little while, but everyone wanted something from me when I wanted to be left alone.
No matter how hard I worked, I always worried about my success on projects. I despised faking smiles and telling lies when people asked how I was doing. All this stress does is distract you from being aware of what’s going on within yourself right now.
Mindfulness isn’t some watered down version of meditation where you chant mantras and take a certain number of breaths. It’s about taking notice and being here, in the now.
What Mindfulness Really Means
I’d heard all about how I needed to “be in the now,” and it does sound like a pitch to sign up for twenty classes of yoga on a special deal. Go ahead and take a second to roll your eyes, and I’ll tell you what mindfulness is really about for me.
Mindfulness is about waking up refreshed and open. Instead of mentally checking over my to-do list, I feel how comfortable my bed is and how energized my body feels after actually getting a decent night’s sleep. I listen to my heart, my breathing and even the sounds of construction outside my bedroom—the sounds of a new day starting. I frown at the banging of a hammer and stretch with a smile, open to receiving each moment to follow from a clear-headed space.
Instead of feeling behind, my sense of ease continues with me into the rest of the day. Mindfulness allows me to be responsive and observant of a moment as it happens, rather than making a stressful idea into a reality. Being mindful is a way of living.
How Being Mindful Affects My Everyday Life
Being mindful doesn’t take this huge effort, and it won’t take up your time. You don’t force yourself to think positively and criticize yourself when you don’t. You will worry, but as mindfulness becomes a part of your daily life, you’ll find that old stresses affect you less.
Most of the time, I don’t even notice when I am being mindful. I started bringing mindfulness into my daily rituals used to unwind and connect to myself. I began with Wednesdays, that “Yay! I’m halfway through!” day.
I’d go to a coffee shop with a big window and look out to the street.
Being somewhere else and allowing myself get lost was helpful, but stress would still find me.
That’s because I wasn’t experiencing the flow of what I was feeling in the moment.
I decided to sit down with my coffee, and for five minutes, focus on the birds outside eating the bread crumbs that a man was dropping.
The birds fought over the crumbs, but each bird had a piece before he left.
I found myself laughing and almost crying, because that felt like the day I had.
That day at work, I was so worried over having certain needs met and meeting the needs of others, that I scurried when everything was going to turn out okay, anyway.
Those silly birds, that fought over bread crumbs, flocked together no matter what.
From there on, I decided to choose one thing to observe within that weekly coffee break: from the people in cars driving home to my breathing.
Mindfulness was brought intentionally into other daily rituals. For example, when getting dressed in the morning, I take in everything possible: the cool air on my wet skin after a shower or the feel of fabric soft on my skin.
Mindfulness sneaked its way into my morning drive to work and in evenings when I walk the dog. Instead of cursing at stopped traffic, I notice my breathing, and calmly call in late if that’s going to be the case.
Instead of rushing the dog along on his walk, we take in the evening air.
I’ve noticed the seasons changing in more detail. I have let go of stress and recognize what is outside of my control.
Stress can be addictive. Maybe you work in a stressful environment like I did and want to shift your perspective by being more mindful. Maybe life feels too mundane or routine. All of that was true for me, but bringing mindfulness into my daily life became the day I started living.
Kacey Mya Bradley is a lifestyle blogger for The Drifter Collective. Her love for the world around her is portrayed through her visually pleasing, culturally embracing and inspiring posts. She writes an eclectic lifestyle blog that expresses various forms of style through the influence of culture and the world around us. You can also find her on Twitter, Pinterest and Instagram.
*Photo credit
by Vishnu | May 28, 2015 | adversity, Change, Motivation
A guest post by George Mortimer
“It’s not whether you get knocked down; it’s whether you get up.” Vince Lombardi
Not everyone’s worst moments look the same.
You may have lost your job, gotten divorced or made a terrible financial decision.
Our circumstances may be different, but the journey to overcome them is quite similar.
My rock bottom was the deterioration of my health.
Growing up I ate whatever I wanted. I figured as long as I worked out and stayed active it didn’t matter what went into my body.
I was playing NCAA basketball. I worked out 7 days a week. I was in great shape. All while eating a diet consisting of take out food and the dollar menu.
In my second year of college my habits caught up to me. I woke up one morning with a dagger sharp pain in my stomach I’ve never felt before.
I spent two days in bed before deciding I needed to go to the hospital. Once I got there I didn’t leave for five days.
Turns out I had a severe case of Pancreatitis. Basically, part of my Pancreas was dead.
“Dead is dead.”
The doctor told me, if I didn’t take care of myself, it would spread and kill me.
I couldn’t believe it. On the outside, I looked completely healthy, but inside my body was literally falling apart.
When I was released to go home I had two choices: continue the downward spiral of not taking care of myself or, I could start making changes.
Changing the past is never an option, we can only deal with life by each moment.
Before I could change I had to admit that who I was wasn’t who I was supposed to be.
The Defining Moment To Turn Your Life Around
“The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln
Once you accept what life’s handed to you, you can focus on what you need to do to make things better.
Realizing where I was, being only 19 and seeing where I was headed if I continued my poor habits, the decision to change was simple.
When your life crashes to the ground and you’re unhappy with your current situation, it comes down to making the decision to change.
Starting a new diet or finding a therapist, sure, those are great ideas. But it’s useless action if you aren’t certain you want to turn your life around.
You can do whatever you want with your body but none of it will matter if you don’t bring your mind with you.
The Beauty Of Revival
After leaving the hospital, I started making changes in the food I consumed and found passion in taking care of myself.
The biggest change, however, was in my mind.
Part of my pancreas was no longer alive. A once living part of my body was now dead. Instead of letting it ruin me, I decided it meant the rest of me needed to come to life.
I started listening to my body and how it felt. Life came one step at a time. As a by-product of my body feeling better, I felt lighter and happier as well.
Turns out the changes I made would pay off greater than I ever expected.
Five months later I was back in the hospital to meet with the doctor for a check up. I was put to sleep so he could put a microscopic camera down my throat to get a better look at my Pancreas.
When I woke up even the daze from the anesthesia couldn’t hide the amazement I saw in the doctor’s eyes.
“Your Pancreas has fully restored and looks perfectly normal. I’m not sure how, but it’s revived.”
What the doctor also didn’t know was that it wasn’t only my pancreas, but my entire life that had gone through a revival.
Realizing the seriousness of my situation, that my poor habits could destroy me if I continued them, I found new meaning in life.
It was only when I heard that part of my body was dead that I fully understood how fragile life truly is. More importantly, I learned how crucial it is to enjoy every ounce of the life we have.
So crucial, in fact, that it brought a non-functional part of my body back to life.
The Greatest Comeback Of Your Life
“It’s not what you go through that defines you. It’s what you do after you’ve gone through it that really tests who you are.” – Unknown
Maybe your health has been a challenge.
Your family and friends might have it easier than you, and it’s not fair.
But no matter how difficult your health journey, no matter how much you’ve gone through, you can turn it around starting now.
Looking back, there were three steps I took to turn my negative experience into a positive outcome.
1) Accept – Embrace the past and accept there’s nothing you can do about what’s already happened.
Before I could take better care of my health I had to understand what I was doing that put myself in the position I was in, such as poor nutrition and staying up late. I had to accept what my choices led to and put it behind me.
2) Correct – In every circumstance there’s things you did well and things you didn’t do well. Your job is to maximize the first and minimize the latter.
Even though my eating habits weren’t great, I worked out every day, which was a confidence boost for me. I knew I was taking care of my body at least in one way and I used it as motivation to start a healthier diet.
3) Relax – Life is a work in progress. Things won’t happen overnight and it’s inevitable that you’ll still make mistakes. Trust the process and believe that if you stick with it, good things will happen.
While I’ve never eaten fast food since, I do slip up with my sweet tooth sometimes. I don’t get down on myself when it happens. It’s a reminder to not take life so seriously and that as long as my next meal is healthy I’ll be okay.
If you want to make a comeback, these simple steps will get you started. Because the truth is, you’ve been through enough. It’s time for you to experience true happiness and how great life can be.
You deserve something better, and it’s time for you to have it.
One Last Thing
When I was sent home from the hospital I had two decisions: to do nothing and accept my fate, or take action and change my life.
Now you have to make the same decision.
When it all boils down, turning your life into a life you love and appreciate starts with you.
No one can make you change, no one can make you see the world through a new lens.
No one can tell you what to do with your life.
That power lies within you.
George Mortimer lives in his van to pursue a life of freedom. He works online to inspire people like you to create more freedom and live a life you love. Download his two brand new ebooks for free here.
by Vishnu | Apr 28, 2013 | Change, Culture, Happiness, Love and Relationships, Overcoming Challenges, Perspective, Traditions
Gawd, You'll never get anywhere singing like that!
Welcome back to my friend Razwana! Take it away amica mia –
Sometimes whatever you do, it’s never enough.
You could sacrifice everything for your family, but it wouldn’t even scratch the surface.
The demands never end.
When my (clichéd) arranged marriage was over and I finally decided it was time to live my life, I announced to my mother that I was moving to London. Now, the first generation British-Pakistani community do not care for women living independently.
A woman living alone means one of two things – you are either hiding something, or you’re a whore. I fell into neither category. But the truth didn’t matter so much. It’s what my actions appeared to say that was the problem.
So I had a decision to make. Do I do what I want, or do what my mother wants?
I decided to use a bargaining chip so we both get what we want.
‘OK, mother. If I don’t move to London, I will move out of your house and live on my own, but in the same city.’
Only, that’s not quite what I did.
Yes, I moved to a house a couple of streets away so it was just close enough so that she wouldn’t feel too lonely. Was I right in doing that? No.
Then, I would go to my mum’s for dinner 5 nights a week. Was that enough? Never!
So I sacrificed seeing friends so I could spend time with my family. Did I gain acceptance? Nope.
Surely she could see I was trying to make her happy, right? Wrong again.
The worst part was that the circle of misery was going round and round – seeing her disappointed was making me unhappy, so the more I did, the worse it became.
It was decision time again. This time I did make my move to London. And it was magical.
I’d love to say that this was the catharsis that transformed our relationship, Hollywood movie style.
It wasn’t.
Over the years, I’ve accepted my position as the eternal-disappointment. This is perhaps one of the most trying, emotional, destructive, difficult, time-consuming relationship, ever. But it has evolved, and taught me a few things along the way….
When it’s all over, they are still family.
That blood that you share? It’s there forever. They are your family; the one’s you didn’t choose, but the ones that raised you. They fed you, they clothed you, and were there when you didn’t even know you existed.
This doesn’t mean you must now sacrifice everything for them, but it does mean respecting the fact that you have a history. This may be the only thing that keeps you together, but if you were going to leave them, you would have done so by now, right?
What will other people think?
Yes, dearest, what WILL those people think? Do you care? Do your parents care? The two perspectives are very different.
Know that when your parents ask what the neighbours will think of you, they are simply projecting their issues onto you. THEY are scared of what the Iyer’s down the road will think of you. They want the Khan’s next door to respect you because what you do reflects upon on them.
But it is not your problem. It’s their problem. Let them deal with their problem.
Look forward like you’re looking back
Consider your life in 20, 30 or 40 years. How will it play out if you follow one path over another? Will you be happy because you did everything in your will to please your parents?
Didn’t think so.
And the irony is that when you get there and tell them you are unhappy, they will agree and question why you listened to them in the first place.
And if you DO decide to succumb to the pressure and do what they want you to do, then accept the fact that you will spend the rest of your life living vicariously through TV shows.
Just make sure it’s worth it.
If you want them to be different, start with yourself
Do you want them to show that they love you? Love them first.
Do you want them to show an interest in your life? Show an interest in their life first.
As difficult as it sounds, give them what you want from them. Don’t do so because you want them to reciprocate. Do so because it’s what we do for the people we love. And if you DO want them to reciprocate, try communicating it to them.
That’s right.
COMMUNICATE IT.
Talk to them, in a language they understand (!) and explain exactly what it is you want.
The honesty will be worth it.
Over to you — what’s the most difficult relationship in your life? How do you cope?
*Razwana Wahid leads a movement for anyone who, professionally and personally, has felt jaded, exhausted and dull; for anyone who’s forgotten what it feels like to come ALIVE, do work you LOVE. She blogs at www.yourworkisyourlife.com
Photo credit John Barnabas Leith
by Vishnu | Feb 10, 2013 | Change, Inspiration, Motivation, Nature, Optimism, Overcoming Challenges, Personal Development, Perspective
We can make change. Can you?
Welcome to my friend and guest post contributor, Galen Pearl:
Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself. –Rumi
“Arab Spring” is the term often used to describe an ongoing series of protests and wars spreading through the Arab world in the last two years. The term sounds promising and full of hope, although the conflicts themselves, regardless of the outcome, have caused a great deal of suffering.
I read that one slogan of the demonstrators has been Ash-shab yurid isqat an-nizam, “the people want to bring down the regime.” Many of us can understand this sentiment, whether in support of people seeking more freedom in other countries, or wanting change in our own country, or just change in our own lives.
In the United States, there has been much talk bringing down the regime (American style). But what is the regime and what does bringing it down look like? The rhetoric from the last campaign and the subsequent fiscal cliff fiasco make it hard to distinguish the regime holder from the challenger. While the two sides argue about which way to paddle, the canoe sweeps ever faster toward the rapids and the falls.
Make love, not war.
Personally, I think we had it right back in the 60s with the slogan Make love, not war. True, we were naive and had no clue about how to live that slogan in any sort of socially productive way. But I think we had the right idea in that we understood the truth of Buddha’s teaching that “Hatred never ceases by hatred, but by love alone is healed.”
Even so, we succumbed to the same mistake as those we sought to replace, by thinking that we could change things by changing others. I was like that, too. I thought I had the answer to any question about what our country should look like, and I was angry and dismissive towards anyone who disagreed with me. Make love, not war, you idiots! Hmm.
Changing ourselves is how we change the world.
Gandhi encouraged us to “be the change we want to see in the world.” Making love instead of war means being love. Vishnu understands this. His tagline for this blog is “Change yourself. Change the world.” Those aren’t two separate acts. Changing ourselves is how we change the world. In fact, it’s the only way to change the world.
So we start with bringing down our own regime, experiencing our own Inner Spring.
My Inner Spring began years ago when I knew I needed to change my life. My regime was based on fear and governed by threats. If I didn’t control my world, meaning everything and everyone outside of myself, then disaster was sure to happen. I don’t know that I brought down my regime as much as it sort of fell down by itself. It was not sustainable and began to crumble in spite of my frantic efforts to maintain it.
I finally surrendered to the inevitable, and only then, in the relinquishment of force, did I discover the lightness of being, our natural state of joy. I’ve since learned that the way we bring down our regime and experience our Inner Spring is by practicing the qualities we want to see in our world. As the bumper sticker says, compassion is revolution. So is joy, forgiveness, kindness, gratitude. And as we manifest our Inner Spring, World Spring is sure to follow.
Galen Pearl is one of my favorite bloggers and a wise teacher. She regularly posts though-invoking reflections on her blog, 10 Steps to Finding Your Happy Place. Her practical and relevant book on happiness can be found here. I’ve found it to be a life-changer. * Photo credit.
What about you? What does you current regime look like? Is there anything in it that you want to bring down or transform? Are you living your Inner Spring? What would that look like?
