Weekly messages to help you start over in life

 

(Join 3,000+ wise subscribers)

One Way to Let Go of the Past

One Way to Let Go of the Past

I’m writing this from a hotel room from Chennai.

India, people, India!

I’ve had a picture about how I wanted to live my life ever since my divorce.

Before my divorce, I had this vision of a dream life that I thought was absolutely nutty.

Nutty in the sense that I never thought it would be possible.

I didn’t think I could spend my time inspiring people, write, coach, and get paid for it.

I didn’t think you could actually pursue your dream career and make it work.

I didn’t think that you could create your dream lifestyle and make that work!

My dream life is essentially to do my work around my life.

Not my life around my work.

I saw most of society putting work first and doing their life outside of the 9 to 5.

I wanted to live life between 9 to 5 and work when I felt like it.

Also, I wanted work to not feel like work.

I wanted it to be pure passion and purpose.

I made big leaps and took small steps.

I transitioned out of the legal profession.

I took a job with much more work-life balance that allowed me to prioritize writing.

I took months and years off from regular employment to build my coaching practice.

It feels like I’m finally getting there.

I’m back in Asia and doing slow travel and work from this part of the world.

Every day, my life revolves around friends and family, visiting spiritual places and meditating and trying to stay healthy. Oh and working, of course, but that happens early in the morning or late at night.

I write for this blog for people who have experienced divorce and heartbreak.

I write on Medium for people who need some motivation.

I write on Amazon and get paid when people purchase one of my books. The best way to support my work by the way is to pick up a book on Amazon (aff link).

I also am going to launch a series of courses about letting go of the past and overcoming heartbreak in the coming month.

This is the dream that I’ve been working towards for years and feels like it is finally materializing.

I work for myself and have the freedom to live my life on my own terms.

If I had looked back on the past, which I have a bad habit of doing, I would have thought about how great my legal career was and how I should have stuck to the known and certain path to financial security and career stability.

But screw that!

Here’s what happened post-divorce!

I realized how fragile life is/was.

I realized that if nightmares could come true, then for sure, dreams could come true.

I realized that life’s short.

I might as well spend the time doing what I want to do instead of what society wanted me to do.

So I envisioned a life that I wanted to life.

I saw a future life in my mind that seemed way out there but got clear about it.

And have spent the last few years moving towards that future.

It’s unfolding as we speak.

Seeing your future vividly is one way to help you let go of the heaviness of the past.

When your mind is replaying past highlights and memories, train it to see what it is you want it is you want now.

What is your vision for your life?

What does that life look like? If you’re on my email list, please reply and let me know what your dream life looks like.

If you need some support and guidance in this process, check out my coaching page here. There’s no better way to start 2020 than envisioning what it is you want out of life.

You Don’t Have to Have All the Answers Right Now

You Don’t Have to Have All the Answers Right Now

bird song

I don't do songs. Or Karaoke.

“A bird doesn’t sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.” Maya Angelou

I wanted to have a baby.

I don’t mean me personally, but you get it – to father a child (Modern medicine hasn’t quite allowed men to carry another human yet!!).

At one time in my life, not too long ago, the desire to have a baby was a life priority for me. And not having a child was a serious loss in my life. I can’t tell you why I wanted one or if I was ready to have been a father, but it seemed like the right thing to do.

After not having a child in my life, I was fraught with disappointment and sadness.

My marriage ended. There was no baby in sight. This image of a laughing child in my dreams became blurrier and more distant than ever.

I could have been devastated by a dream lost but I have chosen to follow a different path.

Believing that everything happens for a reason, I let go of my attachment to this unborn child.

I let go of my desire to have a child.

I let go of my timeline to have a child.

And most importantly, I let go of my desire to know if a child was in my future or not (the demands, expectations and urge to know and make plans).

Over the last couple of years, I’ve gone through this arduous personal development journey, many parts of which I write about, realizing that I may not have been the ideal father in the first place, or much less a prepared one or even a competent one.

If I wasn’t emotionally healthy myself, nor had the patience or ability to care for a baby, was I really ready to be a parent?

A baby then would have been ill-served having me as their father.

Since the time that the possibility of a baby abruptly disappeared from my life, I chose to forge ahead without knowing what the future holds. 

Instead of being stuck to a specific timeline over something I have no control over, I spent a lot of time with my adorable baby nephews and try to visit them at every chance I get.

nephew and I

My nephew and I.

Not knowing my future brought me to where I am today.

I’ve had similar experiences with my career path.

I had NO IDEA what I wanted to do with my life in college. Like many students, I didn’t have the answers to what my future held or what I should be doing with my life.

I never received any clear calls from the Gods as to my life vocation. (But my Indian parents did call me a lot to let me know about the benefits of becoming a doctor – service to humanity and beach-front property!)

What do you do when you don’t know what the future holds?

Well, I did something that I was weak at and wanted to improve on. Public speaking. Although I enjoyed writing speeches and speaking in public, it wasn’t my strongest point. I spoke too fast, sometimes too slow and I never understood the mechanics of effective public speaking.

Near campus, I joined a Toastmasters group which was dedicated to helping people improve their public speaking skills. I participated in this professional group for 3 years, being the only student in the group.

I never knew exactly where public speaking would take me the entire time I was in Toastmasters.

It was only when I was nearing graduation, when having the public speaking skills and confidence inspired me to consider going into law (That and my parents who had sadly come to terms with the fact that I wasn’t going to be a doctor).

Ultimately, law was not a career I stuck with. On the plus side though, my legal background has brought me to a place where I am able to speak in front of large groups of people. Whether it’s at a community meeting, workshop or even a family get-together, I have no hesitation when standing up to speak.

My point is that I had no idea what I wanted to do but I forged ahead anyway, without knowing the answers.

Doing something that interested me and helped me improve, like public speaking, is now an integral part of my destiny.

How do you move forward when you don’t know how or when you’ll get there? 

path

How do you create the life that you’ve been envisioning and the life your heart seems to be longing for?

When you feel like your whole life has turned upside down and you’re a long way from living the dreams you created in your mind years ago, it’s easy to feel paralyzed.

When you feel frustrated by your life’s current circumstances or just plain stuck, you might feel like throwing your hands up in the air and saying, “I give up”.

Your career isn’t moving along. You have no idea where your business is going. Your partner isn’t showing up. The baby you’ve bought baby clothes for isn’t quite here yet.

I notice that many of us tend to clutch to our end goals. When we cling on to the desired outcome, we are left with the feeling of not having achieved it. We feel a lacking in our lives.

But fortunately, you don’t have to be paralyzed by the thoughts of not achieving your dreams. Nor do you have to feel frustrated by the lack of movement in your life.

Instead of being stuck on the fact that you don’t have what you want, try this.

1. Be OK with not knowing.

Be perfectly comfortable in not knowing the answers or having clarity in your life.

Let waves of uncertainty and confusion wash over you without attaching yourself to the frustration of not knowing.

Practice sitting with uncertainty. Learn to be comfortable not knowing the answers of where your journey is going to take you.

2. Do something. Anything at all.

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step,” declared Chinese philosopher, Lao Tzu.

Whatever your dream or desire is, take some small steps daily towards that goal without being paralyzed by or fixated on the end result.

Meet people if you want to be in a relationship. You don’t need to meet “the one” today.

Look for a compatible partner who also wants children if you’re firmly set on having kids.

Start learning new skills, attending more training, do some volunteer work or freelancing if you are keen on transitioning into a completely different industry.

Take small concrete steps towards your goal.

Bombay wasn’t built in a day. It was built one brick at a time, over centuries.

3. Listen intently.

As you’re taking small steps and moving forward, listen to your soul’s messages. Your feelings and your inner voice will be conveying messages to you.

You’ll hear these messages through your mind’s subtle messages, repeated internal thoughts or feelings that will guide you in a certain direction.

The inner voice, or intuition, will sometimes tell you to continue. Or it may tell you to stop. Alternatively, it may advise you to change your game plan. Or to perhaps even to abandon your dream.

It might convince you that something that you’re chasing isn’t right for you and you’ll be better off with something else.

Whatever it is, be mindful of your inner voice and be willing to listen to it.

4. Be open to life’s gifts and timelines.

No, you may not get exactly what you want and at the time you want it.

Instead of demanding a certain result at a certain time, be open to whatever it is that unfolds before you.

If Prince Harry doesn’t knock, but a short banker with a stable job and a loyal spirit does, open the door!

If your dream job working for Facebook doesn’t materialize, consider the job at the small start-up as an opportunity to learn and grow.

Be open, be patient, and be confident knowing what is meant for you will come to you in due course.

5. Every circumstance is a lesson in disguise.

Although you’re not getting what you want right now, know that every situation has a message for us.

Every life circumstance can become our teacher.

If you start viewing every twist, turn and hiccup as an opportunity and lesson, instead of an unfulfilled dream, you’ll have a much healthier and happier journey forward.

Ask yourself what a delay means?

Or what can it teach you?

Where is the blessing in this circumstance?

What can you be grateful for right now?

There is a soulful tranquility about not knowing what the future holds and simply being OK with it.

Embrace uncertainty and welcome the magic of possibilities unfolding in your life.

Your ability to manage the unknown can be the ultimate source of your strength and wisdom in life.

If you enjoyed this post, please share on Facebook, Twitter or Google +. Thank you!

Photo credit roberthuffstutter and Splitshire

How to Light a Candle of Hope in your Darkest Hour

How to Light a Candle of Hope in your Darkest Hour

A flicker of hope

A flicker of hope

“Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.” Desmond Tutu

When I was going through a breakup and divorce, my life was filled with darkness. The end of an eight year marriage, the pressures by our families to stay together and the pending divorce proceedings were overwhelming and soul-crushing.

A blogging friend of mine had been unemployed for a little more than a year. When she left her last job, she didn’t realize that the tanking economy would take her through a roller coaster period of unemployment. The mental and emotional pressures continued to build up month after month.

Another friend from college was diagnosed with breast cancer when she had just turned 34 years of age. With her father’s recent passing and her diagnosis, making it through each day was a struggle.

How do you persevere when your future looks bleak? How do you move forward when you feel like you can’t?

How do you cultivate hope at your life’s absolute lowest points?

When the path seems uncertain and the future dark, cultivate these ten states of mind and beliefs to persist in the darkness:

1. A belief in a better tomorrow. A conviction that what’s happening doesn’t have to always endure. Another day can bring new circumstances, new opportunities and new solutions to improve the situation you find yourself in.

You can’t fall back much farther when you’ve hit the depths of despair.

It can and it usually always does get better.

2. Keep going even when you’re uncertain about the future. One of the scariest feelings you confront is having an indeterminate sense about your future.

How do you ride your bike along an unknown path? How do you forge ahead when you can’t see where you’re going?

Even when you’re uncertain of the path and can’t see in the dark, keep moving forward knowing that you will have more clarity with each step.

You don’t have to know exactly what the future brings, but know that you have more control in what can happen than what occurred in the past.

Trust your intuition and double down on hope knowing that you’ll see glimmers of light and direction soon.

3. Don’t allow roadblocks to halt your journey. As you move forward, you will stumble upon more bumps in the road: obstacles, setbacks and delays.

You can allow these roadblocks to get in the way or you can be determined to move past them and accelerate.

Think of roadblocks as pebbles in your path that can be cleared instead of unmovable boulders that paralyze you.

There is a solution to every obstacle you face. Often, it just takes creativity and persistence to prevail.

4.Life lessons are teachers. Being hopeful means using the problems and challenges which confront you in a positive way.

Each difficulty and obstruction can reveal something to help improve your life.

What is the wisdom that’s contained in the obstacle confronting you?

There is always a lesson there. Your job is to simply find it.

Don’t ask, “why me” or “why did this happen”. Instead, ask: what can I learn from this today?

5.Pain transforms. If you’re going through a throbbing life event that is tearing at your heart and soul, be aware of the tenderness and hurt.

Once again, there are many lessons and insights your life’s most painful events can teach you.

Once you can acknowledge the pain, allow hope to alter the pain into a gift that can be used for the next steps in your life.

If you can view your pain as a gift of steadfastness and strength, you’ll be better prepared for all the current and future hitches you’ll confront in your life.

6.Keep hope thriving. It’s easy to want to give up or throw your hands in desperation. Especially when your pain is protracted or the difficulty is too excruciating to handle.

Even in the darkest of hours, allow hope to lead. Progress ahead. Know that persistence will have its reward. Be open to the idea that circumstances will improve.

Your day will come if you can make it through the unknown and demanding stretches. Those who persist, usually prevail.

Focus on all the positive possibilities.

Just because the current situation worsened doesn’t mean you have no control over the final outcome. Know that you can take action to change the outcome.

Hope demands that you surge onward and keep believing in a better tomorrow even in the most agonizing circumstances.

7. Keep taking small steps forward. Having hope doesn’t mean you simply sit back with an intention of a better tomorrow.

Hope is cultivated through action.

To improve your tomorrow, you must take small steps toward improving the situation today.

Brainstorm ideas with friends and families. Explore options. Seek help and advice. Set the problem aside for some time and come back to it later. Seek inspiration from mentors.

8. Allow for inner growth and development. You may not be able to control what’s happening outside of you, but trying circumstances will help strengthen your inner resolve.

Challenges will help you rely on your ability to persist and develop characteristics in yourself you never know you had.

External circumstances help chip away at the rougher edges of your personality and help you connect with your true self.

When life shakes you up, allow for your truth to be heard, your inner core to be strengthened and for character building.

There is no better time to acknowledge the skeletons in the closet and come to terms with them.

Allow adversity to strength you.

9. Hope is letting go. You can’t control every situation and circumstance.

Hope also means you have to let go and allow circumstances to work out on their own, after you’ve done your part.

It’s releasing expectations of a specific result or demand.

The serenity prayer reminds us that wisdom is knowing the difference between accepting the things that we cannot change and the courage to change the things we can.

Hope is anticipating the best when you have no control over what transpires next.

10.Hope wins. Hope is realizing that many have prevailed with hope.

Hope taught me that with each passing day, my life can transform from sorrow to joy, from pain to wisdom and from loss to clarity.

I could wake up again and see a brighter day – divorce was certainly not the end of the world.

My blogger buddy found work in a more desirable city, closer to her family and with more pay.

My friend from college became cancer-free, changed her perspective on life and is now filled with gratitude for all the small things life has to offer.

Even when circumstances don’t unfold in your favor, the lessons you’ll learn and your inner resolve will create a stronger and more fearless you.

Even when trying circumstances persist and challenge you, rely on hope to make it through the rough days.

Let hope be the lantern you carry to shine the light on the path to a better tomorrow.

* Photo credit @killerturnip

Has hope gotten you through some rough patches in your life? When do you cling onto hope and when do you throw in the towel? Anything I missed on living a life filled with hope? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below.