These are wonderful qualities in life and terrible qualities in love!
Normal people treat relationships like they treat books and movies. Some are good and some are going to be so terrible that you walk out half way or stop reading.
All of here reading, including yours truly, treat relationships like the sword we are going to die on.
We are going to go down for love.
We are going to be prisoners of war in this battle.
We are going to spend way too much of our lives and our time doing the right thing.
What is that right thing?
Believing in love.
Dying for love.
Holding onto hope that love will work out and staying faithful for years on end.
It may not matter that our ex remarried and moved on to live their best life.
We are going to stay in this place, waiting and hoping that they come back into our lives!
I did this for years of mine.
I didn’t date.
I didn’t move on.
I just waited and hoped that my person would come back into my life. It would be similar to someone waiting for Santa Claus to show up on Christmas eve and introduce himself.
The sad news is that she didn’t show up.
(Neither did Santa now that I think about it but I’m holding onto hope.)
Well, maybe she did show up years later but we both decided that we were not the right people for each. We had different lives, interests, values and were different people who wanted different things.
I mean I should have known that in the 7 plus years we were married but better late than never I guess.
Now, your turn.
Has your ex moved on?
Are they dating and living their best life?
Are you still waiting, hoping and praying your ex comes back and chooses you again?
Instead of holding onto hope for your ex, move on and cope with the sadness and grief of it being over.
You know the relationship didn’t work and hasn’t worked for years.
There are too many unresolved issues between both of you to try again.
It’s time to get off the “hoping your ex comes back” train and hop along to the partner who is waiting for you.
6 Steps to Give Up on Hope On Your Relationship Working Out and Move On With Your Life
1. Choose to see things as they are, not how you want them to be.
Look at the relationship for what it was and what it is today.
Look at the situation as objectively and realistically as possible. Avoid possibility thinking of what it could be today or dreamy thinking of what it was in your dreams!
2. Don’t over-romanticize the past.
Evaluate the situation like a regular human being, not like you’re writing a Shakespearean play or like you’re writing a screenplay similar to the Titanic.
Don’t add dramatic music and recall overly-sentimental scenes from your past relationship.
3. Don’t focus on the length of time you were together.
Know that the length of time has nothing to do with the quality of that past relationship. Being together 20 years is not a sign that your ex is your soulmate and you were destined to be together.
It could simply be a sign that you made the wrong decision for a long time! You were together much longer than what was healthy for both of you and moving on is the best way to preserve all those life events that you did share with your ex.
4. Don’t focus on your ex’s strengths and good qualities.
They may seem like the world’s great husband or world’s greatest human today but it’s really unfair to overlook all the hardships and struggles of the past. You can paint them as the saint they weren’t or choose to remember them as the people they were. They had good qualities, bad qualities and qualities that were not a fit for you. Don’t stay fixed to their positive qualities.
5. Bring yourself to the present moment.
Know that you can live through grief, pain and uncertainty of the present moment.
Often, we like to take ourselves to the future so we don’t have to live in the present moment.
The present moment might contains grief and heartbreak. It can contain sadness and pain so you’d rather hold onto the future of hope of possibilities of tomorrow.
Bring yourself back to right now. You’ll get through this as hard as it may be. The more you let go of the false promises of the future and live for today, the easier it will become to move on from that past relationship.
6. They are not the ONLY one.
You might be holding on to them for dear life because you feel like you won’t find someone like that again. They are so good that you can’t risk finding someone lesser or finding no one at all.
This is another mind trick that makes you believe you’re not good enough. It creates scarcity for you and tells you that the only person who could possibly love you doesn’t want you anymore. It tells you that if not them, then no one. Your mind makes you believe that you only have one soulmate and they were it.
Contrary to the poets and writers of our time, you can have more than one soulmate in your life. There’s not just one person for you in this lifetime no matter what Hollywood says. You’re compatible with many people. You just have to do the hard work of meeting many people to find them.
It’s time to give up hope on getting your ex coming back and to put your hope in finding someone who’s compatible for you.To help you on this process and for ideas on finding a new partner, pick up my book, Does True Love Exist? 15 Simple Ideas for Finding Your Life Partner
“Oh no, not I. I will survive – Oh as long as I know how to love, I know I will stay alive.” Gloria Gaynor
After your divorce, the world as you know it flips upside down.
Your colorful world turns black and white. Hope disappears and your dreams vanish.
What do you do now to piece your life back together when you have no plans, dreams or future that you can see? What do you do after the disruption and chaos of heartbreak? How do you start over after divorce?
Here are 8 tips to create a new action plan and start over after divorce and build a new life for yourself.
1. Take care of yourself.
The most important thing you can do to start over is to care for yourself after your divorce.
♥ Find friends, family or colleagues who will be there for you, listen to you and help you survive this difficult period.
♥ If your feelings are overwhelming, reach out to counselors or therapists you can share your feelings with.
♥ Be willing to explore and accept what you’re feeling instead of resisting it. Consider writing in a journal about what you’re feeling and experiencing.
♥ Take time off from work if possible, or take an extended vacation to care for your health, mind and spirit. (To learn about the Self-Romance manifesto, click here)
♥ Try yoga, meditation, running, exercise or other healthy ways of caring for yourself.
♥ Be mindful of the thoughts and words you use towards yourself. When you want to blame and judge yourself, opt for kindness and compassion instead.
2. Forgiveness
The earlier you forgive after your divorce, the easier it will be to move on.
Forgive first; don’t wait until you get to a place of wanting to forgive.
Write a letter to your ex, forgiving him or her for all the ways he or she hurt you. Also, include a letter asking forgiveness for your part of the relationship.
Do not send this letter. It’s only for you to write and then read out loud.
3. Take it one day at a time
You’re going to feel in a daze and like you don’t have a future.
You just have to get through each day. Plan what you need to do today and get that done. Nothing less, nothing more.
Simply going to work, going for a walk or preparing lunch is enough.
Don’t worry about the future for now.
4. Get clear on who you are
Your thoughts will be on your ex and the pain you’re feeling.
When both subside, try to get a better idea of who you are and discover your essence.
Figure out your values and what matters to you. Prioritize your life based on what’s important, and ruthlessly remove everything that isn’t.
When you’re starting over, you can start anew – you pick what you want in your life and what needs to go.
5. Open your heart and awaken your soul.
Now is the time to go within and find out who you are; remove all the layers of your character that your relationship has hidden.
It’s time to reflect on how you showed up in your relationship and how your behavior contributed to the relationship.
Heartbreak is an opportune time to connect with your spirit and soul.
Walk in nature, meditate, watch a sunset or visit a natural setting – anything that allows you to get quiet and go within. Make time to connect with this wisdom-filled and light-shining part of yourself.
6. Visualize a new life for yourself
You might not be ready for a new life or able to imagine that one exists, but it does.
You can create a new life for yourself – one that’s richer and better than the one you had with your ex.
Close your eyes and take yourself into the future. Paint a picture of what you’d like to see and what your ideal life is like.
Hold this visualization in your mind’s eye until it manifests itself in your life.
7. Pursue your heart’s calling
Do you have a dream or lifelong desire to do something with your life?
Is this experience of heartbreak helping you realize why you’re here on earth?
A big shake-up like a divorce can help you clarify your life’s purpose and transition into it.
A divorce can help you lessen your fears, get clarity in your life and obtain the courage to live your purpose.
8. Stay hopeful and welcome new beginnings.
Yes, you’ve gone through turmoil and pain, but continue to stay hopeful.
You’ve suffered the worst and survived excruciating pain; now your life can only get better. Suffering doesn’t last forever, and brighter days are on the horizon.
Allow your divorce to welcome new changes, new beginnings and a new life.
When you’ve dried your tears and lessened your pain, your best life awaits you – one filled with happiness, peace and a supportive relationship. Remember, you can start over and you can survive this divorce.
To pick up a copy of my book, 10 Sacred Laws of Healing a Broken Heart, to help you heal from heartbreak, click here.
It’s not over. You can comeback and get over whatever adversity is standing in your way.
It’s me again and this time, we’re going to try video so I can give it to you straight (and in person).
I have a very simple but powerful message for those of you who are going through tough times – you can get through it.
Why do I know this to be true? Because I’m living proof of it – I made it through and I’m going to share with you the 3 important lessons I learned to help you survive the tough times.
Click above to learn more. Thank you for living courageously and standing up to face the difficult times that face you.
“Breakdowns create breakthroughs. Things fall apart so things can fall together.”—Unknown
You may think your life is over right now.
You want to hide or drown or fall into the ground. Slip away. Move to the forests far away and never to be seen again.
The tears have dried up because you’ve cried them all out of you.
You’re silent because you have no more to say.
And you’re experiencing a state of mindfulness NOT because you’ve become more mindful, but because you’re too numb to replay your thoughts in your mind.
You may be facing your life’s most horrific and tragic breakdown – your absolute worst point.
You f***d up at work and got fired.
You cheated and are now dealing with the breakup and impending divorce.
Your ex is trying to take your kids away from you.
You got caught in a business deal gone bad and are now facing a lawsuit.
The company you’ve poured your heart and soul into is going under and you can’t seem to stop the situation.
You lost all your money.
The love of your life dumped you. Your heart’s destroyed.
Your former business partner is suing you.
You can’t make the mortgage payment and might lose the house.
Your life savings has gone down the drain.
You got arrested and the local news is reporting all of your dirty laundry. You see yourself on television.
It’s over. Literally over.
There’s no hope. There’s no tomorrow. There are no better days ahead.
Why live another day?
I can’t say that I’ve been on your journey or know what you’re going through, but I’ve been in similar places in life.
Several times when I wanted to throw in the towel and felt that the tranquility of a coffin would surely beat the madness of the world I’m living in.
When I turned 17 and my entire immediate family left the country as I was finishing high school, I felt alone and abandoned. It wasn’t their fault, but I still felt like the world I had known no longer existed. A few months later I was in a new university and a new city where I didn’t know anyone. Add the stress of college and exams, plus the responsibilities of adulthood, and I was pretty much done.
It was one of the lowest points of my life.
Fast forward 10 years and I realized that what I had thought was my lowest point was anything but.
Divorce was 100 times worse. It shook my entire life to the core. It made me question my existence and wonder whether life was worth living at all.
The pain of breakup, my inability to deal with a traumatic change and the deep grief and sorrow that followed were too much to bear.
Yet I’m still here. And you’re still here.
And that’s why I feel like I need to tell you something. It’s not over. It’s never over.
You’re going to make it through this point in your life.
Your absolute worst point in life is not the end, but rather the beginning.
You’re going to survive this place and, let me tell you from personal experience, you’re going to come back stronger than ever.
When you’re down and out and feel like checking out, hold on.
Here are a few things to think about that will give you perspective on your situation:
1) The benefits of rock bottom – it can’t get any worse.
The best part about being at your life’s worst point is that it cannot, let me repeat, it cannot get any worse.
If you’re in the dumps, be happy in knowing that you cannot fall further back. You have no more back to go. Your money, finances, love, relationships may all seem in the pits. Can it get any worse?
No.
If you’re going to jail (and as a criminal defense lawyer, I had clients who did), the only option left is to come back out. You can’t go to jail again. (Well, you can, but hopefully you won’t.)
Moving on from jails, what if the press smears you, or your former business partner sues you? Can it get worse?
Most likely, no.
Your reputation is at rock bottom. It can only improve.
You’re dealing with the stress and burnout of a lawsuit – it can only get better. A settlement or verdict will arrive soon and you can start over.
When you’re at your worst, take some satisfaction in knowing that it can’t get worse.
(P.S. – Don’t make things any worse by asking yourself, “How can this get worse?” !?!)
2) You’ve done it before.
I’m not saying that you’ve been here before.
You may not have encountered a situation this deadly, but you’ve confronted setbacks, heartaches and disappointments in your life.
You were in bad places, but you came through. You made it out. You survived.
You’ve met every challenge the past presented.
You came out of darkness. You woke up from failure. You found a way.
You got another job. Started another career. Built a new business.
You found the courage to love again.
You forgave and let go.
You’ve been there; you’ve done it. You have the experience to overcome.
It wasn’t the end of the world before and it’s not the end of the world now.
3)Pressure will bring out your “A” game.
No better time exists than now to find out what you’re really made of.
Like the woman in the YouTube video at the beginning of this article, who came back from falling down to WIN the race, you’re going to do the same thing in your life.
This face-punching circumstance you’re going through will help you seek the answers, find the tools and develop the inner strength you need.
You will take your game up a notch.
You will do things you couldn’t do before.
When you’re sitting in a sinking boat, you’ll find a way to swim, to get a life vest or to call for help.
Moments of survival push us to get more creative, resourceful and effective.
You’ll stop procrastinating and lamenting, and instead become active.
Your greatest life challenge is your greatest invitation to take action.
The climactic scene in this movie is awaiting its hero: you.
4) Setting yourself up for success.
You may have trouble seeing this now, but meeting your current challenge will bring out better things in you throughout the days ahead.
To become successful or achieve your dreams or live your greatest life, you must get through the challenge at hand.
You must pass the test that life has given you.
Stay strong in this moment and take one step a day toward improving the situation. Sometimes the situation is so dire, all you can do is change your perspective for that day.
Viktor Frankl did so while surviving the Auschwitz concentration camp. He got through his time there by believing that those worst days of his life would pass, that when he came out he would recount his experiences to help others and that he would spread the message about how a person can find meaning under any condition, any circumstance.
Frankl spent the rest of his life sharing his message though his book, “Man’s Search for Meaning,” through his writings and through his lectures.
A better day exists for you, too, and mastering today will help you prepare for that day when things are better.
The gift of struggle and surviving will one day positively affect your life.
Through the violent storms of losing a loved one or having your most prized things snatched away, you will realize how life has, in fact, handed you a gift.
Your challenging situation is only perfecting your mind, your heart and your perspective so that you can welcome better days with open arms. You’re preparing for a breakthrough in your life.
Life might be calling you toward a new line of work.
Life might be calling you to prepare for a new relationship.
Life might be preparing you for more responsibilities.
Life might be preparing you to share your story, write your book and be a guiding light to others in their places of struggle.
Your failures are setting you up for your success.
Your heartsong is setting you up for your greatest hit yet.
Your song does not end on a sad note.
5) Follow the light.
I’m not asking you to compare yourself to others. Instead, realize that others have flourished and succeeded from even worse places than where you currently sit.
Use their stories for inspiration.
Jim Carrey’s family was living out of a van as he drove around Canada performing standup comedy at clubs.
The singer Jewel was homeless and living out of her car before she wrote such hits as “Foolish Games” and “You Were Meant for Me.”
Steven Spielberg was rejected from the University of Southern California twice. Yes, twice. The last time I went to USC, I noticed that the school had named a building after him. He’s also one of the school’s trustees.
As you know, publishers rejected Stephen King’s first book 30 times. And Michael Jordan’s high school basketball coach cut him from the team.
J.K. Rowling was an unemployed single mother on welfare benefits before she wrote the Harry Potter series.
Elizabeth Gilbert’s divorce was what led her on a journey around the world and resulted in her bestseller, “Eat, Pray, Love.”
Barack Obama grew up in a single-parent household. Bill Clinton lost elections in Arkansas before ever running for president. Abraham Lincoln lost eight elections.
These are the stories of famous people you hear about all the time. Look around in your own life. What do you find?
Stories of struggle and challenge.
How your grandfather started from nothing and built a name for himself.
How your great-grandparents fled the old country to find success in America.
How people you know made comebacks from childhood problems, poverty, diseases, business failures and divorces.
They did it. You can do it.
They didn’t know that success lay ahead of them. They just believed in themselves. They took one day at a time, one step at a time.
As you go through your life’s critical hours, you’ll discover that things turn around.
You may not realize it and you may not feel it, but I’m asking you to believe it.
I’m asking you to remain hopeful that a turnaround is close by.
As Desmond Tutu has said, “Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.”
You just have to stay the course and go through your journey: rebuilding, strategizing and taking things step by step.
Take it one day at a time. Stay encouraged that better days are ahead.
Stay faithful for a better tomorrow.
“If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm.”—Mahatma Gandhi.
Stay faithful that your situation will improve.
Stay positive and encouraged that your troubles will set with the sun and that your greatest days are about to rise.
The darkest hour, they say, is just before the dawn.
When pain, tears and the storms of life engulf you – that’s when you will see the way.
You will see that glimmer of hope.
You will see the shadows of possibilities and the promises of a new day.
Thank you for reading. Did you know that I now offer relationship and career coaching? If you’re interested in either, please check out my coaching pages here and here.
We all go through dark and scary times in our lives. Here are some of the most uplifting quotes to give you strength and inspiration during the dark and difficult times.
Please find 21 quotes that will inspire you to keep hope alive and your spirits high.
“Life is not always a matter of holding good cards, but sometimes, playing a poor hand well.” Jack London
“I’m not afraid of storms for I am learning to sail my ship.” Louisa May Alcott
“Colors come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunlit sky.” Rabindranath Tagore
“The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” Nelson Mandela
“Getting knocked down in life is a given, getting up and moving forward is a choice.” Zig Ziglar
“Kites rise highest against the wind, not with it.” Winston Churchill
“It is often hard to distinguish the hard knocks in life and those of opportunity.” Frederick Phillips
“The beautiful thing about setbacks is they introduce us to our strengths.” Robin Sharma
“Breakdowns can create breakthroughs. Things fall apart so things can fall together.” Unknown
“Seeds of faith are always within us; sometimes it takes a crisis to nourish and encourage their growth.” Susan Taylor
“I am not what has happened to me, I am what I chose to become.” Carl Jung
“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.” Douglas Adams
“Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations.” Author Unknown
“Sometimes the wrong train can take us to the right place.” Paulo Coelho
“At any given moment, you have the power to say: This is not how the story is going to end.” Christine Mason Miller
“Sometimes we fall down because there’s something down we’re supposed to find.” Unknown
“Courage is not the towering oak that sees storms come and go; it is the fragile blossom that opens in the snow”. Alice Mackenzie Swaim
“You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.” Zig Ziglar
“Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.” Desmond Tutu
“Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.” Unknown
“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.” Martin Luther King, Jr.
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I help people overcome their devastating breakups and divorces and find love again. Instead of visiting the Himalayas, sign up below and join me. I am taking a writing break but will be back soon.
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