Weekly messages to help you start over in life

 

(Join 3,000+ wise subscribers)

Live Coaching Call With Clover Lam from Unconventional Asians

Live Coaching Call With Clover Lam from Unconventional Asians

Clover Lam is an inspirational woman who is living an unconventional life. She is leading the way in challenging cultural norms and societal expectations. Clover started a worldwide movement to help people live more authentic and honest lives.

She has also gone through a divorce herself and was open to doing a live coaching session on letting go of her marriage. Watch the above video to see how our coaching session went and what came out of it.

To learn more about Clover, check out her website at Simply Clover Living. Many thanks Clover for doing this live coaching call and thank you for all the work you’re doing to help people lead their own path and live unconventional lives.

To watch the video of this coaching call in full, visit the coaching call link here

 

The Comfort Of Not Letting Go of Your Ex

The Comfort Of Not Letting Go of Your Ex

I was a hermit for years of my life as I struggled to make peace with letting go of my ex.

I wasn’t one of these people who said live and let live after my divorce was over. I was going to hold onto that relationship to the bitter end of time while my ex moved on with her life, started dating, and got married within a few years.

I wanted to ruminate endlessly, re-live the pain, and beat myself up for all the things that I had done to screw up that relationship. I wanted to suffer and criticize myself for all of my misdeeds. I wanted to punish myself for every single thing that I had done wrong.

When you’re not letting go of your ex, you see yourself as a criminal and perpetrator and see your ex as an innocent bystander and victim. I did all the misdeeds, and she was perfect, or so my mind thought. It never considered that she might have been as much at fault as I was in the relationship. My mind didn’t entertain the possibility she contributed half to what went wrong.

The comfort of not letting go 

I didn’t intentionally plan on living in the past for years of my life. I was looking for answers and trying to find a way to let go completely. It took me years to do this, and I tried coaching, spirituality, personal development, church, and so many other kinds of practices. Some of these worked, and some didn’t.

Yet I think the thing that was keeping me stuck for a long time was that deep down; I didn’t want to let go at all.

Huh? You may be scratching your head. Why not?

It’s going to be odd for me to say this, but I didn’t’ want to let go because if I let go, I would have to start on a new life, and that was scary as hell.

I wanted to be protected by the past. I didn’t want to venture out into new relationships. I didn’t want to be vulnerable again. I didn’t want to date again or meet new people again. I didn’t want a new life because the old one felt so comfortable.

Do I regret this decision? Absolutely! I wasted years of my life when I could have just moved on, found a new partner, and enjoyed the next few years of my life post-divorce.

Instead, I stayed home and out of having a social life to mourn and cry for a lost and broken love. I suffered, grieved, struggled. I took Eat, Pray, Love adventures, found myself in spiritual retreats, and went all over the world looking for ways to let go of my past.

Maybe a part of me was punishing myself for my misbehavior in the relationship too. I didn’t feel worthy or deserving of getting my life back. So, I stayed stuck in the past, ruminating about the pain and sadness of that old relationship.

You’re here for a reason.

If you’re reading this and having trouble letting go of your past relationship or letting go of your ex, consider if you’re not letting go because it’s much more comfortable to remain in the throws of your past relationship.

If you’re stuck in heartbreak and loss, you don’t have to go out. You don’t have to date. You don’t have to learn how to date. You don’t have to ever open a dating app account. You don’t have to move forward. You don’t have to open your heart again. You can stay stuck and comfortable for years. Forever maybe.

You can stay stuck in the past, marinating about what had gone wrong. You can blame your ex, blame yourself, and blame everyone else in between. You can analyze, criticize, and examine every part of your life in the past.

It may not feel great to rehash your life, but it sure the heck beats venturing out and starting a new life.

Except if you’re here on this blog, then you know that you’re not trying to stay stuck and angry with what happened. You’re trying to get out. You’re trying to break free of the past and get your life back.

Yes, if you’re reading this, no matter how much your desire to keep your heart closed and remain comfortable, I am assuring you that you want to let go. You want the life that’s available for you. You don’t want the pain that comes with it.

A plan to let go

You’re also not letting go of your ex. What do you to let go? If I was to simplify the process, here are 4 things that you must do for letting go of your ex:

  1. Grieve the relationship, process your emotions and find closure for the past
  2. Get to the root issue that’s keeping you stuck and work on healing it
  3. Release the self-blame and guilt that you may be carrying around from the past
  4. Rebuild your self-worth and have a life plan going forward.

You can keep reading blogs on heartbreak and grieving, but if you don’t do the work, you’re going to be here forever. I would love your friendship, but I love you more, so I want you to stop reading and get on with your life.

I want you to have a happily ever after, and I know that you want that too. You don’t have to find that in another love, but you can fall in love with your life.

Life is short. The pandemic is long. Don’t wait for the pandemic to pass. Don’t wait for another year of your life to go by. Work on letting go now.

I want to help you if I can. Let’s do the work. My first coaching session with people usually involves identifying the root of what’s keeping them stuck in the past. After the root ritual, we work on finding healing, closure, and acceptance that the relationship is over.

It’s time to stop reading about letting go and actually let go once and for all. Your future will thank you for it.

If my words have resonated with you and you’re ready to get your life back, please reply to this email or sign up for coaching here.

 

The Final Step To Letting Go and Moving On

The Final Step To Letting Go and Moving On

let go and move on

The final step in letting go and moving on is the most difficult.

I was stuck in the step for much too long, reading Vishnu’s blog and trying to do the letting go and moving on work.

Everything I read made sense from day one. I knew what I should be doing but I too was stuck in the last stage of letting go. Time made little difference either for moving on.

If you asked me what got me to finally move, I just got so sick of being stuck and things not changing in my life. I realized he hurt me then, but I was the one keeping myself stuck in it. He had moved on and I hadn’t. I came to understand that I was the only person who could change things.

I realized that I was so busy being stuck in the past and missing it, I hadn’t acknowledged that I actually didn’t want to be with him in the present, or the future. That was a big light bulb moment. I was ruminating and reminiscing in the past that I enjoyed but I fully came to accept that I didn’t want him now or in the future! That was what helped me finally in the letting go and moving on.

These are the final steps that helped me end this letting go and moving on journey.

The final step to letting go and moving on

1. Self Love.

Honestly, it had a lot to do with self-love.

I started with self-love because it felt hugely uncomfortable and that meant it needed addressing.

Because I’d read every self-help book going and nothing had shifted and I realized that while it was all great advice the real truth for me, and all of us, lies within, because we are all unique and we all know our own truth, we just have to listen to it.

Once I started loving and investing in myself, I knew that I deserved better. Better than someone who left me and also better than the life I was leading, where I was stuck and miserable and going nowhere. I got sick of living in that place.

I realized he hurt me at the time, but I was hurting myself now and I had a choice and only I had the power to make that stop.

So, I invested the love I had for him and our relationship, in myself.

I started to stop being horrible to myself and to treat myself as my own best friend and constantly asked myself if my thoughts and wallowing were helpful to me and the answer was always no.

2. Looking forward.

I realized that I hated the present as I was stuck in the past. I realized to change my present I had to start looking forwards instead of back at the past. I was stuck in old habits so I simply forced myself to stop whenever my head went back to the past.

I made my head visualize a ‘best’ future, instead of always going back to the past.

I got an app for positive affirmation reminders.

I wrote a closure letter with everything I wanted to say to him and burnt it and I also wrote about our relationship from a different perspective and without the rose-tinted glasses on.

3. Gratitude

I had been so stuck feeling I was lacking without him, that I didn’t see any of the reasons I had to be grateful. There was a lot and I made a conscious effort to notice and acknowledge them repeatedly.

I spent so long thinking that a life without him was a loss, my loss, but gratitude showed me a new way of thinking.

What if it was actually his loss and not mine? He’d lost someone loyal, committed and he’d lost me, the person I was beginning to recognize as worthy, from all that self-loving I’d begun.

The reality was I’d lost a man who walked away, who (wrongly) accused me of cheating, who disappeared and walked out on our long term relationship with barely a backward glance. That’s not a loss, that’s again, a lucky escape and the universe guiding me towards something better.

Another light-bulb moment, this wasn’t something to be sad about, it was something else to be grateful for and a huge factor in me finally letting go and moving on.

In tandem with the beginnings of feeling better about myself, I genuinely had no time for being stuck and miserable anymore. I had no desire to be with a man who left me and hurt me and feeling this meant it, finally, didn’t hurt so badly anymore.

I now want more for myself.

4. Finding your own happiness

I realized I hurt so very badly over our break up because I’d put all my happiness in his pocket.

Ultimately, our happiness has to be in our own pocket (a partner is lovely, but it’s an added bonus) and the only way we can achieve that is through self-love like I mentioned above.

When you cultivate self-love, it then breeds self-respect and boundaries and then you realize that you no longer want a person who caused you pain and turned their back on you and walked away.

Acknowledge that if you had to write a list of attributes you’d like, and you truly deserve, in a partner, your ex wouldn’t even make it to a date, let alone putting your life on hold for and being constantly miserable over.

All these things make you finally realize that you just have a small scar and not an open wound anymore 🙂

After cultivating self-love, gratitude, seeing the future, and finding my own happiness, I was able to let go. I’m here to tell you that letting go and moving on is possible and I say that as someone who was stuck for a long time and never believed it was actually possible for her.

My message to everyone reading is simply: take all the advice you can get from others (definitely read Vishnu’s blog) and take comfort in that you’re not alone, or weak, for how you feel, but also look within and trust that you already have all the answers you need.

Most importantly, even though it’s the last thing you feel like doing when your heart is broken, love and invest in yourself, and one day it will stop feeling ridiculous and become the reason you finally let go.

Katie is a long-time UK reader who has let go and moved on with her life. She is still single, but finally open to the possibility (but not necessity) of finding love again. She is currently thriving in a new career, which never would have been possible without either the heartbreak or taking that final step in letting go and moving on.

You Cannot Move On From Someone You Love Until You Do This

“You cannot let go of a relationship you still want to be in” ~ Vishnu

It was the third getting-to-know-each-other Skype date.

We had discussed how much we were each going to earn in our marriage, the value of the home we were going to buy and how many kids we were going to have.

No, we had not even met in person yet but nothing out of the ordinary here in the world of Indian dating.

As we chatted about our lives and our histories, one question she kept asking me was if I had moved on from my ex.

I can’t imagine why except for the fact that I probably spoke about this aspect of my life unconsciously or consciously for a good part of the time we were chatting.

We (I) talked about my past relationship, the painful breakup, the creation of Vishnu’s Virtues and how I helped people in similar situations.

Several women I been speaking to in the months and years to come asked me if I had gotten over my ex.

I didn’t realize this at the time but I likely was a bit too immersed in the happenings of the past relationship.

I was living my life in the past.

As a matter a fact, I think I was living so much of my life in the past, that I wanted my old life back.

Despite all the pain and the unhappy marriage that we had, I wanted that relationship back. I could not move on from someone I had loved.

Which brings me to this basic point:

You can’t move from someone you love when you’re still holding on to that past relationship.

Let me repeat: you cannot move on if you’re still holding on.

I know this sounds like common sense but it’s important to keep in mind.

If you’re still reminiscing, ruminating, feeling sentimental about a past relationship, you’re not ready to move on from someone you loved once before.

If you’re still wanting to be back in that old relationship, you’re not ready to move on.

If you keep refreshing your email and waiting for your ex’s text to pop up,  you’re not ready to move on.

If you’re thinking that you can go back to your old life where your ex would have had an awakening, changed and become a different person, you’re not ready to move on.

You also may be living in California, breathing in that late night ganja, having delusions of the beauty of the past.

You cannot move on when you’re still holding on to your ex.

You cannot invite new people in if you haven’t shown your ex to the door.

Get it?

If you haven’t moved on from someone you loved, why not?

What’s stopping you from letting go?

What’s the fear?

What’s the story you’re telling yourself?

What haven’t you processed yet?

Yes, holding on and going back to someone you loved is convenient but it’s not going to help you grow.

It’s likely not going to lead you to a happy relationship.

Things may not be very much different than before.

If you’re still wanting this relationship of the past, stop dating and meeting other people now.

I knew when I was doing that, I just found reasons about why every single person wouldn’t work. Or sabotaged my own dating so I wouldn’t get to know someone new.

We need to start getting real around here.

You need to have your life back.

You need a new relationship, new love and more happiness.

Isn’t it time to let go once and for all? Isn’t it time to call it quits on the past and honestly let go of the person you once loved so you can find someone new?

If you’re ready to move on and let go and need some support in this process, reach out to me.

If you’ve let go and ready to find someone new, check out my book, Does True Love Exist, in the Amazon store. The book is on sale this week for $.99.

Spiritual Steps To Let Go of the Past (+ New Book)

Spiritual Steps To Let Go of the Past (+ New Book)

“People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.” Thic Nhat Hanh

You want to let go of the past once and for all.

You’ve tried every possible method of letting go of the past…except the spiritual one.

Can spiritual practitioners teach us spiritual steps for letting go of the past?

As I took my own journey of getting over my divorce and overcoming the past, I tried just about every method and practice to let go of the past.

I visited everyone from coaches and therapists to reiki practitioners and Vedic practitioners. I worked with shamans and astrologers.

Letting go of the past took me a very long time. Nothing seemed to work. As we talked about before, I had a long list of reasons as to why I should live in the past.

I loved it there.

You might have loved it there, too.

It was so comforting, welcoming and familiar.

Ultimately, through my spiritual pursuits over the years, I discovered the path to letting go and moving on.

I had been reading about these practices and principles over and over again.

I’d seen them in so many different places and heard about them from spiritual teachers and practitioners.

When I finally did cross over and let the past be the past, I reflected upon the many steps I’d taken to get to that point of letting go once and for all.

No, it didn’t take time to let go of the past; it took work. Letting go of the past took several steps.

It took spiritual steps that were hard to complete. As much as we talk about them, things like acceptance and forgiveness are hard work when you actually start trying to do them.

Yet, you can’t let go and move on until you walk through each of these steps to letting go of the past.

I studied many of the spiritual leaders and authors of our time and tried to reach a consensus as to the spiritual ways of letting go.

If you walk through these 12 steps, you, too, will be able to let go of the heavy burden of being stuck in the past and breathe lightly again.

This may take months or years; however, knowing what the journey looks like is the starting point.

Once you know what the journey looks like, you’ll know what step you’re on and how many steps you must walk through before you’re able to let go once and for all.

A whole new life is waiting for you once you burn your past in the spiritual fire.

If you enjoyed reading about these spiritual methods of letting go, please pick up The Sacred Art of Letting Go: Walk 12 Steps With Spiritual Masters to Let Go of Past Relationships and Find Peace Today.

The book details these spiritual steps to let go of the past. It explains each step in detail and helps you apply these principles to your daily life so you, too, can let go of the past that is no longer serving you and, instead, embrace the life awaiting you.

Here are 12 steps to let go of the past from my latest book, The Sacred Art of Letting Go.

Step 1 – the Step of Acceptance. You cannot move on until you acknowledge and accept what happened to you. In this step, Eckhart Tolle reminds us to allow life to just be; we should not judge it as good or bad. When you take away the heavy emotions of your past relationship and view the events objectively, you’re better able to accept what happened.

Step 2 – the Step of Releasing your feelings. In this chapter, both Pema Chodron and Ram Dass suggest ways to become curious and inquisitive about the strong feelings you’re experiencing. You can move on only when you find a way to process the emotional storm you’re feeling.

Steps 3 – the Step of Melting Anger. This walks you through ways to release anger towards – and resentment of – your ex. It gives you a myriad of ways to use the power of forgiveness to wash away the anger you carried with you when you left the relationship.

Step 4 – the Step of Choice. You’ll see how much is truly in your control and how you can take charge of the process of letting go. You are not a wind in the storm. You can proactively work on your healing. You have the power of choice. Use the power of reframing to see your situation and circumstances differently.

Step 5 – the Step of Learning. You’ll see how to turn your relationship and the past into learning. You’ll learn how to find wisdom in your pain and use this wisdom in your future relationships. Learn how to turn your ex from a soul enemy into a heart teacher.

Step 6 – the Step of Connectedness. You notice how your ego causes separation between you and your ex. You start to realize that if you saw people and relationships differently, as your ego wants you to see them, you’ll find yourself in conflict and resentment. If you apply this principle to your life, you can put yourself in other people’s shoes and let go of the pain sooner.

Step 7 – the Step of This Moment. I talk about ways to stop living in the past that no longer exists and, instead, to bring yourself into the present moment. I show you that no pain or conflict exists in this moment in front of you and I reveal why you should strive to be in this place. I provide exercises that help you live in the present moments of your life.

Step 8 – the Step of Going Within. You’ll learn the power of doing the inner work necessary to move on. This step helps you drop all outside pretenses and get more clarity on who you are. As you get to know yourself better, you’ll have a stronger ability to let go of past hurts and move on.

Step 9 – the Step of Soul Awakening. You learn how to remove the mask of the ego and get clearer on yourself. This is the process of burning or stripping away all those things you’re not so that you become more of who you are in a spiritual sense. This is the step of opening your soul. It’s about getting curious, discovering your soul’s calling and arriving at your essence.

Step 10 – the Step of Compassion. Here, you’ll learn how to radiate empathy and compassion for yourself and others. The longer you beat up yourself or blame your ex, the longer you’ll remain in the past. The sooner you figure out how to put yourself in other people’s shoes, extend compassion to yourself and others, and see your relationship in a new light, the sooner you’ll move on.

Step 11 – the Step of Strength. You will see how to use your weakest and lowest life experience, heartbreak and loss to your advantage. This step shows you how to use past experiences and loss to build your resiliency muscle. It also shows you how to use the power of your friendships and inner circle to get through the tough times.

Step 12 – the Step of Trust. Discover how to trust the process of letting go. This step reminds you that you can get through this but you’ll have to trust yourself and the process. It shows you that others have walked a similar path. It asks you to believe that letting go is possible and to take a leap of faith into a better place.

If you enjoyed learning about these principles, please consider checking out the book, which describes these steps in more detail and gives you concrete steps for letting go of the past and moving on.

You can pick up the book, The Sacred Art of Letting Go: Walk 12 Steps With Spiritual Masters to Let Go of Past Relationships and Find Peace Today.

It’s on sale starting Thursday, June 6th and available at the Amazon store. You owe it to yourself to pick up this book to move on with your life.