Who You Should Fall in Love with First: 4 Ways How

Should you ‘find the world’ in another person, as Alicia harmonizes? If you say, no, read on mis amigos.

We are all looking for love in our lives.

Not only to love others but to be loved. Without fear…conditions…limitations.

Love songs, classic movies and today’s blockbusters provoke us to find that ideal love we watch on the big screen.

Alicia Key’s tune above sketches a love so deep that a lover’s arms around you are worth more than a kingdom, more than gold and diamonds!

(If you’d rather have the $bling$ than the hug, raise your hand friends)

Movies depict undying and eternal love. Music serenades the perfect lover. Books depict the depths of love between two souls.

While we’re caught up in fairy tale weddings, passionate romances and soulful love stories, there’s one person we’re ignoring. 

The person we should be loving first.

Ourselves.

To love ourselves is a process of complete acceptance, compassion, forgiveness without limits or conditions.

But how many of us ever reach the place where we are truly in love with ourselves? How many of us even try?

We cannot love others until we fall in love with ourselves first.

Loving ourselves is a prerequisite to loving others.

We cannot complete others, as Tom pronounces in the clip, below until we complete ourselves.

Were you loved?

For some of us, the people who were supposed to love us never understood the way to show us love.

Perhaps they never knew how to love themselves either so loving you was an impossible feat.

The people who are supposed to love us made us feel inadequate, incompetent, inhuman or broken. Unloved.

4 Ways to Love Yourself (in a non-sensual way – ha!)

1. Compassion 

We tend to be harsh and merciless with ourselves.

A practice of compassion is the first step to loving ourselves.

Compassion doesn’t judge and doesn’t  put conditions on our love. Compassion sees our shortcomings and faults and accepts them anyway.

Practice empathy. Feel your pains, fear and guilt without wallowing in them. Be loving towards your past hurts and sorrows. Be gentle.

2. Acceptance 

To be able to truly love ourselves, we have to accept who we are as people.

To love ourselves, we have to accept our good and bad traits, qualities, characteristics and life experiences. We must learn to embrace our pains, sorrows, fears, shame and inadequacies.

We must come to term with our histories, biographies, upbringing, personalities and  our quirks.

Self-acceptance is the road to self-love.

3. Show yourself that you care.

How do you treat yourself? Is your life balanced, healthy and fulfilled?

Are you running around every day being ‘busy’? Not eating well? Working too much? Not exercising? Not being mindful? Stressed? Worried?

Are you treating yourself the way you want someone who loves you to treat you?

If you love yourself, take actions in your life to show yourself love, gentleness and kindness.

Look at the things in your everyday life that bring you physical discomfort, stress, worry, and emotional pain. Take steps to eliminate and reduce those factors.

Look for work that allows you to truly love yourself. Eat foods that shows you that you love your body. Be around positive and caring people. (Don’t talk to your mother-in-law – joke!) Create a daily schedule that allows you to spend time with yourself.

Take small steps to show that you’re important, that your health and body matter and that you’re worth taking care of.

4)    Take action.

Romantic relationships fail when you stop working on them. So does the relationship you have with yourself. If you’re not actively taking actions to show yourself that you care, you’re not loving yourself as you’re capable of.

If you’re not removing caustic and harmful people out of your life, you’ll find it harder to love yourself. If you’re not doing work or a career that suits your personality, you’ll find it harder to be joyful and treat yourself well. If you’re not taking care of your body, you’ll feel less healthy and positive about yourself.

Accept yourself and strive be good to yourself.

Not only will you fall in love with yourself and be a loving person be but you will be able to share that love with all those around you. You will be love, can give and receive love.

The secret to loving others and being loved the way you want is to love yourself first. (Here are 17 additional ways how. Thanks Evelyn!)

My friend Wendy Irene talks about the importance of loving yourself in her weekly videos. Watch to learn more.

To pick up my book, Self Romance Manifesto: Fall in Love With Yourself and Live From Your Heart, click here.

32 Comments

  1. If you don’t accept yourself, how will anybody else? This has been one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned. Having spent so much time wishing for acceptance from family, it was only when I stopped judging and started accepting myself, that my family followed suit.

    Funny how that happens.

    Also, can’t I have the $bling$ AND the hugs? I like options, baby !

    – Razwana

    1. Hey Razwana – thanks for sharing your experience. Yeah, self-acceptance is probably the first step to acceptance by everyone else. You make a good point – I think all the points I make above will encourage others to follow suit. We have to do the tough work of making those inner changes to love ourselves more:)

      Yes, let Alicia know you’ll have the embrace and the gold, diamonds! thanks for commenting.

  2. Thank you, Vishnu, for the link love 🙂

    Indeed, self-love is an important message to share. Many of us tend to put our own needs last. But really, we need to take care and show ourselves compassion first of all.

    1. Thanks for the awesome post on self-love and inspiration Evelyn! Loving ourselves first opens up love to everyone else. Thanks for the reminder and comment!

  3. Hi Vishnu,

    Superb post! This is what everyone has to do right? Start loving themselves. I did, as soon as I was coming out of that depression a year and a half ago, a lot of life lessons learnt and I realised forgiveness is the pinnacle to love yourself and as I kept doing that, I felt much better and now I’m a very ‘chirpy’ man 😛

    Thanks so much for sharing, I’d watch Jerry Maguire any day, anytime, such an awesome movie!

    Wendy’s message too gave a gentle reminder. Thanks for sharing her!

    Aditya

    1. Aditya – thanks for adding that forgiving yourself is a key to self-love. Forgiving ourselves may be just as challenging as forgiving others but allows us to feel so much better about ourselves.

      I love Jerry Maguire too but also been suspect of that one line ‘you complete me’ hahahah I wanted to highlight the point that only we can complete ourselves.

      Check out Wendy’s blog often. I really enjoy her weekly meditation videos. Thanks for your feedback and comment.

  4. I used to think my problem was that I loved myself too much. 😀 But I have since realized that I am my own worst critic and don’t forgive myself easily. Not forgiving myself makes me grumpy and irritated; consequently I make others around me grumpy and irritated. So I think it’s true: forgiving yourself helps you love others around you.

    However, I believe love should be an outward motion; a life of service is the life best-lived, I think. Ultimately, I believe seeking the best for others is beneficial for yourself as well, for can you really serve others well if you are broken in mind, spirit and/or body?

    I think indulging in too much self-love can easily become an excuse to act selfishly. I think it’s important to ponder the motivation for self-love. After all, there are plenty of people who love themselves, but don’t love others well. They are called narcissists.

    1. Jammie – great point! Yeah, I know what you mean – I work in politics. haha there’s some times (a lot of times) a lot of self-love going on. So, you make a valid point that you should really be of service to others with that love. And direct your actions towards helping others.

      The work of loving yourself does have to start within you though and that’s why the 4 tips. And like you and Aditya added, forgiveness is a big one.

      You may have loved yourself too much before (no harm in that) but now have a lot of insight about how much you loved yourself and how to show it in a healthy way.

      From that Swedish guy’s post today, I know someone else who loves you a lot too 🙂

    1. Hi Charlotte – I think we all do that. We accept our strengths and hide our weaknesses. So we love ourselves some but not completely. Living by loving ourselves 100% can be a powerful way to live.

  5. love the post! you are a great writer ! i felt out love at one point when the person who was supposed to love me decided to stop in a relationship. had to learn this lesson again

    1. haha glad you enjoyed it Amutha – thanks for the support. there’s no better time to learn to love yourself than today (or in the present time)

  6. Vishnu,
    This post was super inspiring. One of my favorites! It puts so beautiful into words exactly what I am trying to teach. Thank you very much for sharing my video. It means a lot to me!
    I am finding out that acceptance is so much more important than I ever knew before. When I was watching Super Soul Sunday yesterday, acceptance was a big topic, and the idea that if we simply trust that life is happening FOR us, we can find so much joy and understanding, even in the harder times. I’m working to accept all of myself, even those emotions that aren’t positive, and make space for them instead of stuffing them. I believe I am good at letting things go, but sometimes I need to recognize if I’m not letting go and I am instead stuffing. When it comes to relationships it is a fine balance.
    Thanks again!
    Wendy

    1. Wendy, your video inspired this post. It was one of the videos you did that really resonated with me.

      Yes, acceptance is big in self-love. I think it takes a lot of work but being conscious of these things and trying to accept our positive and not so positive emotions is a good start.

      Always sounds like there’s so much inspiration in Super Soul Sundays. I’ve got to tune in:)

  7. How coincidental! I just read a post from another blogger I followed on this exact topic. She, too, discussed the importance of loving ourselves first, seeing ourselves as our loving God sees us. It is only then that we can truly love our neighbors.
    Great post, Vishnu!

    1. I think February is love month Martha. The first couple weeks people talk about romantic love haha then the rest of the month we cover every other love topic under the sun. I just read a couple posts today on love and a great one by Evelyn on self-love too. Yes, feeling (and realizing) that divine love will help us with our relationships with all our neighbors.

      Thank you for visiting and your feedback, Martha.

  8. So true, Vishnu. When we find that we are not getting the love we want in our lives (romantic or otherwise), the first place to start is with ourselves. You have touched on the four keys for falling in love with ourselves.

    1. Thanks Galen – just another follow up from the most read post on my site – yours:) from last week!

      Once we make changes, others will see the change. And our circumstances will change too (as Aditya pointed out in last week’s comments:) But we still have to do the work which is sometimes the hard part.

  9. Very insightful, Vishnu. Especially this: “Perhaps they never knew how to love themselves either so loving you was an impossible feat.” I am definitely working on #3. It’s always a work in progress. Not so easy for me, but definitely getting easier! I love your sense of humor.

  10. Hi Sandra – you’re definitely working on #3 on how to treat ourselves better and are writing a lot on how to be well, physically better, mentally better, spiritually stronger and emotionally smarter. Enjoy reading your posts and changing my life 🙂

  11. Hi Vishnu,

    An excellent post, my friend. I can’t re-emphasise enough the messages in your post. This is such an important area and is the foundation for our own happiness, which isn’t dependent upon others.

    I spent many, many years with no love for myself. Because I didn’t love myself, those who I wanted to love me didn’t either.

    It is only when I started to focus on building my self-esteem that I began to experience what it was like to believe in myself and more importantly, love myself. And the more I did this, the more the world around me began to change for the better.

    I loved how you wrote about taking small steps to show ourselves that we are important, such as through looking after our health and our minds. This is just what is needed.

    Thank you.

  12. Thanks Hiten for sharing your story. Building up one’s self-esteem is also building up one’s love for oneself. I’m going to be writing a follow up post with all the additional self-love ideas you’ve all shared.

    The best part is not only does your world change but now that you’re publishing books and writing, you’re able to help others on their path as well to self-change and world-change:) Thanks for visiting and your comment.

  13. I believe the only way to truly love others is to be able to love our self. When we love and value our self it will show in our actions and attitude. People will be attractive to those who love and care for themselves. Great post and thoughts!

  14. Loving one self is something that we are not really taught to do, Vishnu and yet without learning that we are useless at loving others. Thank you for reaffirming my ideas about loving oneself, in your own unique way.

  15. Self love. This is always an uneasy one because it seems so self indulgent and egocentric. But I really do think you are right. We are often our own harshest and most unreasonable critics. I have definitely caused most of my biggest internal problems from beating myself up too much or for letting my own insecurities and paranoia run wild. I have found that taking a step back and actually talking to myself the way a great coach or best friend would (without looking crazy as you walk the mall, of course), is a great way to get out of my head. How would a truly supportive, loving friend talk to me and encourage me? What would he or she say to give me a healthy perspective on the day’s worries and concerns? How can I live into the narrative of what that truly supportive person sees in me… These are all questions I try to find the answer to…
    Excellent post, Vishnu!!

  16. yup, the way I see it, loving yourself is like this abundance that is filled to the brim and when you can do that, then you can overspill the love to others!

  17. Dan – absolutely, loving ourselves will show in our action and attitudes to ourselves but also to all around us.

    Thanks Corinne – you’re right – we’re not really taught to love ourselves. And have to remind ourselves to do it (consciously). Glad you enjoyed the post!

    Bjorn – agreed. We are our harshest critics. Great strategies on how to be more compassionate to ourselves. haha and yes, we need to have the self-talk in private instead of talking to ourselves out loud in public.

    Good way of putting it Purple Panda! Overflow with love so it spreads to others.

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