The Problem of Dating When You’re Stuck in the Past

Photo by Aditya Saxena

“There’s no greater battle in life than the battle between the parts of you that want to be healed and the parts of you that are comfortable and content being broken.” Iyanla Vanzant   

We had a phone conversation 3 years ago.

At the time, I was thinking she was the nicest and sweetest person I had spoken to.

Yet after one phone call, I went against my intuition, and thought this would be too complicated.

She too lived half way across the world.

It would be so hard to get to know each other.

It would take forever for her to move here.

It would blah blah blah

So I left it at that and went back into my happy world of trying to understand heartbreak, learn how to overcome breakups and learn the steps of letting go.

Little did I realize that it were these very things that was heartbreak and not being able to let go that  was keeping my stuck in my own life of dating and meeting new people.

While I was learning about letting go and trying to actively let go of the past, I also found that being stuck in the past does nothing for your love life.

In fact, you could meet the right person and you wouldn’t be interested or care because you’re still caught up with your ex.

You’re still wanting the old relationship to work.

You’re still blaming yourself for what you did.

You’re still hoping the old person comes back into my life.

3 years ago, this was where I was at.

Fast forward to 2019 (the year I wrote The Sacred Art of Letting Go) and this wonderful person who I met is coming to meet me.

We’ve been talking since the new year and I’m curious as to how this visit is going to go.

She’s a simple and spiritual person which in the Indian world of meeting people is a rarity.

She works in helping children in poverty get educated.

I’m wondering how someone so right for me could have fallen off my radar?

And it’s as simple as this.

When you’re stuck in the past, you’re wearing lenses that make you look at everything in the present as something in the past.

You view everything today from a perspective of what happened before.

You lose interest in today or tomorrow because of this weight that is holding you back.

The problem of trying to meet new people when you’re stuck in the past is that the new people and the right people for you may seem like the wrong people for you!

You’re so blinded by the lenses of the past that you can’t see things as they are.

I have no idea where this is going but I can tell you this.

The relationship you want and the person you want might be around you and might be closer than you think but if you can’t let go of the past, your view of relationships might be skewed.

You won’t be able to find the very person you’re looking for if you’re stuck in the past.

The solution?

Do the work.

Walk through the 12 steps of letting go.

Yes, I have a book on the topic 🙂

Practice actively letting go each and every day.

Similar to grief, not letting go means unprocessed emotions and holding onto something that once was.

The longer you hold onto what was, the heavier it weighs you down in life.

You can’t be open to what can be when you haven’t let go of what once was.

I’ll let you know how things are unfolding on my end.

Where are you in the process of letting go? Hit reply on email or sign up for the blog to join me on my journey from heartbreak to love. 

The Familiar Habit People Stuck In the Past Know All Too Well

I’m sad to confess my favorite song of all time is a song about being stuck in the past, called Nobody Knows.

I’m even sadder that nobody knows of this song.

It was a song that I played over and over and over in my life before I ever felt a pang of heartbreak.

It’s a song by a profoundly sad Tony Rich (at least I like to think so) regretting his broken love for a woman that he regrets not having in his life. He sings about how nobody knows the pain of his breakup except him.

You can watch the song here to know the depth of his pain and know what kind of a weirdo I am.

You might find this weird only because I had listened to this song thousands of times in college. It was the one song on repeat. The one song I played over and over and over again.

I listened to this song while I was up at night studying for finals. I listened to this song while I was sleeping. While I ate. While I talked about the meaning of life with my roomie James. What was even odder was that this was his go-to song as well.

Yet this post isn’t about what two single college-aged men were doing sitting around listening to a profoundly sad love song by another sad man.

Instead, it’s about putting something on repeat and listening to it over and over again.

You hear something, you like something and you choose that repeatedly instead of turning off the song and listening to something else.

Unfortunately, I came to find out a few years later in my life, as someone who was going through a divorce that I also tended to do this in another area of my life.

Since the marriage was over and the relationship no long existed, I fell into this sweet longing and remembrance of the past marriage.

I stayed stuck for years by continuing to repeat what had happened in the previous marriage.

I also reflected on the sadness and pain of the heartbreak and I enjoyed being in that place.

See, a powerful habit forms when we go through heartbreak that keeps us stuck.

You have these negative painful feelings of the past that over time become familiar and comfortable.

You become attached to the these feelings in the past and continue to ruminate on them.

Becoming familiar, comfortable and used to the pain of heartbreak can keep you stuck for months and years.

Holding onto past pain can keep you stuck and stop you from letting of the past relationship.

Pain can actually become addictive if it makes you feel good because it is a known and familiar feeling.

The habit of ruminating on past pain can become a habit that keeps you stuck for years.

You just want to hold on to this thing that is unpleasant (pain) but also feels good (familiar and known pain).

You feel connection and familiarity.

You feel familiar emotions.

You put it on repeat, turn it into a habit and become stuck in this place for years of your life.

The solution out is to acknowledge that this is in fact what your mind is doing.

To let go of the past, you have to be willing to let go of the known and the familiar.

Once you realize that you keep going back and taking comfort in the pain of the past, it’s time to break this habit.

To release the addictive habit of holding on to the past pain:

1) Acknowledge that your mind is replaying the past repeatedly.

2) Pin-point the thoughts that are creating these addictive feelings of pain and sorrow in your life.

3) Get clear on the underlying story about your past relationship that you’re telling yourself.

4) Work on changing the story you’re telling yourself about the past relationship.

5) Re-frame the past or generate new thoughts about the past that are healthier for you and cultivate more positive feelings.

6) Practice immersing yourself in new and unfamiliar feelings of peace and happiness.

If you’re addicted to past hurtful feelings, you might have no idea what healthier emotions and feelings may feel like.

I’m suggesting you try those on ahead of time, feel those feelings even if you’re not quite there yet.

If you’re good at feeling bad feelings of the past, it was because you’ve practiced it for years.

If you want to break free and move on from years of feeling bad and feeling stuck, try on a new set of feelings. Explore, experiment and try out something you’re not used to.

If you need some support in letting go and working through the insurmountable negativity of the past, I’d be happy to support you in this process.

If you’re tired of living in the past and feeling stuck in the past, check out my Awaking coaching sessions or Letting Go coaching sessions.

You Cannot Move On From Someone You Love Until You Do This

“You cannot let go of a relationship you still want to be in” ~ Vishnu

It was the third getting-to-know-each-other Skype date.

We had discussed how much we were each going to earn in our marriage, the value of the home we were going to buy and how many kids we were going to have.

No, we had not even met in person yet but nothing out of the ordinary here in the world of Indian dating.

As we chatted about our lives and our histories, one question she kept asking me was if I had moved on from my ex.

I can’t imagine why except for the fact that I probably spoke about this aspect of my life unconsciously or consciously for a good part of the time we were chatting.

We (I) talked about my past relationship, the painful breakup, the creation of Vishnu’s Virtues and how I helped people in similar situations.

Several women I been speaking to in the months and years to come asked me if I had gotten over my ex.

I didn’t realize this at the time but I likely was a bit too immersed in the happenings of the past relationship.

I was living my life in the past.

As a matter a fact, I think I was living so much of my life in the past, that I wanted my old life back.

Despite all the pain and the unhappy marriage that we had, I wanted that relationship back. I could not move on from someone I had loved.

Which brings me to this basic point:

You can’t move from someone you love when you’re still holding on to that past relationship.

Let me repeat: you cannot move on if you’re still holding on.

I know this sounds like common sense but it’s important to keep in mind.

If you’re still reminiscing, ruminating, feeling sentimental about a past relationship, you’re not ready to move on from someone you loved once before.

If you’re still wanting to be back in that old relationship, you’re not ready to move on.

If you keep refreshing your email and waiting for your ex’s text to pop up,  you’re not ready to move on.

If you’re thinking that you can go back to your old life where your ex would have had an awakening, changed and become a different person, you’re not ready to move on.

You also may be living in California, breathing in that late night ganja, having delusions of the beauty of the past.

You cannot move on when you’re still holding on to your ex.

You cannot invite new people in if you haven’t shown your ex to the door.

Get it?

If you haven’t moved on from someone you loved, why not?

What’s stopping you from letting go?

What’s the fear?

What’s the story you’re telling yourself?

What haven’t you processed yet?

Yes, holding on and going back to someone you loved is convenient but it’s not going to help you grow.

It’s likely not going to lead you to a happy relationship.

Things may not be very much different than before.

If you’re still wanting this relationship of the past, stop dating and meeting other people now.

I knew when I was doing that, I just found reasons about why every single person wouldn’t work. Or sabotaged my own dating so I wouldn’t get to know someone new.

We need to start getting real around here.

You need to have your life back.

You need a new relationship, new love and more happiness.

Isn’t it time to let go once and for all? Isn’t it time to call it quits on the past and honestly let go of the person you once loved so you can find someone new?

If you’re ready to move on and let go and need some support in this process, reach out to me.

If you’ve let go and ready to find someone new, check out my book, Does True Love Exist, in the Amazon store. The book is on sale this week for $.99.

Why You Can’t Let Go of Your Ex

You’ve traveled to India.

You’ve been to Italy.

Now, you’re planning a trip to Bali to fully complete this Eat, Love, Pray, adventure.

You’re trying so hard to move on and let go.

You’ve even read my book The Sacred Art of Letting Go and still wondering why you can’t let go of your ex.

This is especially hard when you’re having trouble letting go of someone who did you wrong, or cheated on you or you were in an unhealthy relationship with.

Why is it even harder to let go of your ex when they hurt you so much?

I’m going to break it down for you today on why you’re having so much difficulty and can’t let go of your ex.

Check out the video above which talk about the reasons you’re holding on to your memories and can’t let go.

Oh, I made that video for Instagram. Are you following me on Instagram? You can find a lot more regular content from me over there.

4 reasons you can’t go over your ex. 

1. What is everyone going to think about about the relationship ending.

You are so terrified about what your family, colleagues, office mates or religious community think.

You are desperately trying to stay together to show everyone that your life isn’t a complete and utter mess. A broken relationship feels like you’re airing all of your dirty laundry outside.

2. You’re not going to have a future.

You think all the good things that will come into your life have passed.

You look back at your past and believe that the past was the best your life is ever going to be.

All of your joys, celebrations, happy moments were in your past. You mistakenly believe that you can never have this again in your future.

3. No one will want to be in a relationship with you again.

This is one of the biggest reasons you can’t let go of your ex no matter how bad they were to you or how badly they did you.

You fear that you never will be in a loving relationship again. You fear that no one will ever want you again.

You fear letting go of last relationship because your battered heart doesn’t feel like it can weather another relationship.

Not only does your heart feel like it can’t handle another relationship but you start believing that you can’t attract another partner again.

The more you believe your ex’s hurtful words, the more likely you will attached to them and the less likely you will feel like getting go.

It’s counter-intuitive because they made you feel so badly about yourself and you started believing whole-heartedly what they said, that you don’t think that you can do better.

You wonder who will ever want you again?

4. There is something wrong with you.

Once again, you believed all of your ex’s words.

Your ex consistently and over time, found all your vulnerabilities and weaknesses, and used them against you.

They exploited your weaknesses so now you believe that your weaknesses are permanent.

The wounds of your past relationship are so deep, you feel like you’re scarred for life.

You believe this because it was repeated to you by someone you loved dearly.

You’re stuck because they made you believe that you were only good enough for them and not good enough for anyone else.

You were a sizzling fire before they tried to extinguish your flame.

You think you can’t let go of your ex but you can.

You can let go of your ex if you become aware of all the things that are keeping you stuck.

You’re stuck in the past because your ex’s words broke your heart and pierced your soul.

I want to assure you that happiness, love and joy are possible.

You can let go of these thoughts and feelings but I want you to know that this is going to take some work.

If you stand by the default story you’re telling yourself about the past and let time pass, you can stay here forever.

You owe it to yourself to move on.

You owe it to yourself to start on the journey of letting go.

If you’re needing some support to start on this journey, get a hold of me for some coaching. You can complete the coaching inquiry form or the contact form to contact me. 

Spiritual Steps To Let Go of the Past (+ New Book)

“People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.” Thic Nhat Hanh

You want to let go of the past once and for all.

You’ve tried every possible method of letting go of the past…except the spiritual one.

Can spiritual practitioners teach us spiritual steps for letting go of the past?

As I took my own journey of getting over my divorce and overcoming the past, I tried just about every method and practice to let go of the past.

I visited everyone from coaches and therapists to reiki practitioners and Vedic practitioners. I worked with shamans and astrologers.

Letting go of the past took me a very long time. Nothing seemed to work. As we talked about before, I had a long list of reasons as to why I should live in the past.

I loved it there.

You might have loved it there, too.

It was so comforting, welcoming and familiar.

Ultimately, through my spiritual pursuits over the years, I discovered the path to letting go and moving on.

I had been reading about these practices and principles over and over again.

I’d seen them in so many different places and heard about them from spiritual teachers and practitioners.

When I finally did cross over and let the past be the past, I reflected upon the many steps I’d taken to get to that point of letting go once and for all.

No, it didn’t take time to let go of the past; it took work. Letting go of the past took several steps.

It took spiritual steps that were hard to complete. As much as we talk about them, things like acceptance and forgiveness are hard work when you actually start trying to do them.

Yet, you can’t let go and move on until you walk through each of these steps to letting go of the past.

I studied many of the spiritual leaders and authors of our time and tried to reach a consensus as to the spiritual ways of letting go.

If you walk through these 12 steps, you, too, will be able to let go of the heavy burden of being stuck in the past and breathe lightly again.

This may take months or years; however, knowing what the journey looks like is the starting point.

Once you know what the journey looks like, you’ll know what step you’re on and how many steps you must walk through before you’re able to let go once and for all.

A whole new life is waiting for you once you burn your past in the spiritual fire.

If you enjoyed reading about these spiritual methods of letting go, please pick up The Sacred Art of Letting Go: Walk 12 Steps With Spiritual Masters to Let Go of Past Relationships and Find Peace Today.

The book details these spiritual steps to let go of the past. It explains each step in detail and helps you apply these principles to your daily life so you, too, can let go of the past that is no longer serving you and, instead, embrace the life awaiting you.

Here are 12 steps to let go of the past from my latest book, The Sacred Art of Letting Go.

Step 1 – the Step of Acceptance. You cannot move on until you acknowledge and accept what happened to you. In this step, Eckhart Tolle reminds us to allow life to just be; we should not judge it as good or bad. When you take away the heavy emotions of your past relationship and view the events objectively, you’re better able to accept what happened.

Step 2 – the Step of Releasing your feelings. In this chapter, both Pema Chodron and Ram Dass suggest ways to become curious and inquisitive about the strong feelings you’re experiencing. You can move on only when you find a way to process the emotional storm you’re feeling.

Steps 3 – the Step of Melting Anger. This walks you through ways to release anger towards – and resentment of – your ex. It gives you a myriad of ways to use the power of forgiveness to wash away the anger you carried with you when you left the relationship.

Step 4 – the Step of Choice. You’ll see how much is truly in your control and how you can take charge of the process of letting go. You are not a wind in the storm. You can proactively work on your healing. You have the power of choice. Use the power of reframing to see your situation and circumstances differently.

Step 5 – the Step of Learning. You’ll see how to turn your relationship and the past into learning. You’ll learn how to find wisdom in your pain and use this wisdom in your future relationships. Learn how to turn your ex from a soul enemy into a heart teacher.

Step 6 – the Step of Connectedness. You notice how your ego causes separation between you and your ex. You start to realize that if you saw people and relationships differently, as your ego wants you to see them, you’ll find yourself in conflict and resentment. If you apply this principle to your life, you can put yourself in other people’s shoes and let go of the pain sooner.

Step 7 – the Step of This Moment. I talk about ways to stop living in the past that no longer exists and, instead, to bring yourself into the present moment. I show you that no pain or conflict exists in this moment in front of you and I reveal why you should strive to be in this place. I provide exercises that help you live in the present moments of your life.

Step 8 – the Step of Going Within. You’ll learn the power of doing the inner work necessary to move on. This step helps you drop all outside pretenses and get more clarity on who you are. As you get to know yourself better, you’ll have a stronger ability to let go of past hurts and move on.

Step 9 – the Step of Soul Awakening. You learn how to remove the mask of the ego and get clearer on yourself. This is the process of burning or stripping away all those things you’re not so that you become more of who you are in a spiritual sense. This is the step of opening your soul. It’s about getting curious, discovering your soul’s calling and arriving at your essence.

Step 10 – the Step of Compassion. Here, you’ll learn how to radiate empathy and compassion for yourself and others. The longer you beat up yourself or blame your ex, the longer you’ll remain in the past. The sooner you figure out how to put yourself in other people’s shoes, extend compassion to yourself and others, and see your relationship in a new light, the sooner you’ll move on.

Step 11 – the Step of Strength. You will see how to use your weakest and lowest life experience, heartbreak and loss to your advantage. This step shows you how to use past experiences and loss to build your resiliency muscle. It also shows you how to use the power of your friendships and inner circle to get through the tough times.

Step 12 – the Step of Trust. Discover how to trust the process of letting go. This step reminds you that you can get through this but you’ll have to trust yourself and the process. It shows you that others have walked a similar path. It asks you to believe that letting go is possible and to take a leap of faith into a better place.

If you enjoyed learning about these principles, please consider checking out the book, which describes these steps in more detail and gives you concrete steps for letting go of the past and moving on.

You can pick up the book, The Sacred Art of Letting Go: Walk 12 Steps With Spiritual Masters to Let Go of Past Relationships and Find Peace Today.

It’s on sale starting Thursday, June 6th and available at the Amazon store. You owe it to yourself to pick up this book to move on with your life.

New Book: The Sacred Art of Letting Go

I’m excited to announce my latest book, The Sacred Art of Letting Go: Walk 12 Steps With Spiritual Masters To Let Go of Past Relationships and Find Peace Today releases next week.

If you’re stuck in the past and having trouble letting go, please pick up this book to help you get unstuck from the past and move on with your life. Learn from the spiritual and wisdom teachers of our times on how to spiritually let go of the pain of past relationships.

Thank you for your continued support of my writing and this blog. A small way to help my work is to pick up a copy of this book when it’s on sale.

The Sacred Art of Letting Go will be on sale at the Amazon store starting on Thursday, June 6th.

The Most Important Spiritual Principle in Letting Go of Pain from the Past

“There comes a day when you realize turning the page is the best feeling in the world, because you realize there is so much more to the book than the page you were stuck on.” Zayn Malik

I hate endings.

I hate when the movie A Star is Born ends.

I hate when a lunch date ends.

I hate when a pot of Indian sambar in the fridge ends.

I hate when a cup of tart frozen yogurt I’m eating ends.

And, for sure, I hate when a relationship ends.

Like I said, I hate endings.

And when you hate endings, you try your hardest to hold onto the ending.

If it’s a movie, you can replay or rewind it.

If it’s a pot of delicious tofu curry, you can water it down and have more of it.

And if it’s a relationship, you can do one of two things.

You can prolong the end by trying your hardest to hold onto it, avoiding your partner’s attempt to break it off.

Or…you can simply end it and continue holding onto your relationship in your heart and soul.

You can hold onto the relationship in your mind and consciousness, replaying the highlights of that relationship over and over again.

When my relationship ended, I did all these things.

I stayed in the relationship way too long. We did every single thing we could to avoid breaking up…until it got to a breaking point.

And I continued to imagine that this relationship still existed even after I’d gotten out of it.

I replayed our trips to Lake Tahoe, our honeymoon to Kerala, our first trip to Las Vegas and Disneyland, our many conversations on Skype, my secret trip to India to visit her months after we met.

I continued replaying these memories because they felt good and when I had these memories, I felt good.

Like I mentioned last week, memories of the past are soothing and comfortable.

The past is like a cup of hot chocolate or a warm blanket as you sit by the fireplace on a rainy night.

Who would ever want to let go of these warm and comfortable memories?

Yet, to move on with my life, I had to find ways to do exactly that.

I had to let go of these memories so I could move on with my life!

Although it took years of reading, therapy, spiritual discoveries, meditation, learning and understanding, this concept helped me break through and shift away from the past.

It was this teaching about impermanence by the Buddhist teacher and poet, Thich Nhat Hanh:

“We are often sad and suffer a lot when things change, but change and impermanence have a positive side. Thanks to impermanence, everything is possible. Life itself is possible. If a grain of corn is not impermanent, it can never be transformed into a stalk of corn. If the stalk were not impermanent, it could never provide us with the ear of corn we eat. If your daughter is not impermanent, she cannot grow up to become a woman. Then your grandchildren would never manifest. So instead of complaining about impermanence, we should say, ‘Warm welcome and love live impermanence.’ We should be happy. When we see the miracle of impermanence our sadness and suffering will pass.”

This helped me realize that change and impermanence can be good things.

If life didn’t have endings, we couldn’t have beginnings.

Without winter, there would be no spring.

Without darkness, there would be no light.

Without night, there would be no dawn.

Once I learned this lesson from Thich Nhat Hahn and other spiritual teachers, I started looking at life in a different way.

I could slowly loosen my grip on my past relationship and my marriage because, in its dissolution, I would find discovery and the blooming of new relationships and love.

Growth, understanding, compassion and inner change will fill my life.

In the messiness and complications of a sad ending are the seeds for so many other things to come out of my life.

It was the moment when I realized that practicing law was no longer the thing for me to do.

It was the moment when I realized that I didn’t have to buy into and live the consumerist American dream that everyone around me was living.

It was the moment when I realized that profound spiritual lessons and truths were awaiting me.

So, really, the end was the beginning of change, understanding and growth.

The end was truly the beginning.

This was how I slowly transitioned to present-moment living.

A slow and growing realization that death and endings are the foundations of birth and beginnings.

The idea isn’t to stay stuck on a page. It’s to let go of things that no longer work so you can read the rest of the book.

As the above quote reveals, you can get to the good parts of the book only after you finish the parts that have kept you stuck.

Bottom line: So many good things can come your way but you won’t find them if you don’t let go of the past.

The beautiful thing is, you have the power of choice. You get to decide how to view the impermanence and changes that enter your life.

The Step of Choice is the 4th step in my new book, The Sacred Art of Letting Go (on sale June 6, 2019).

This is one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned during my journey towards letting go of the past.

And, yes, this letting-go process has a few more steps.

In fact, I discovered 12 steps from spiritual teachers, which I share in The Sacred Art of Letting Go.

I discovered them as I walked the path of getting over my relationship.

Spiritual teachers and writers have talked about them for centuries. I wanted to put, in one place, all these concepts I had experienced and learned.

That’s why I wrote this book.

It reminded me about what it takes to let go. It also serves as a guide for you if you’re in a place where you’re having trouble letting go.

The book is called The Sacred Art of Letting Go: Walk 12 Steps with Spiritual Masters to Let Go of Past Relationships and Find Peace Today.

I want you to read this book. Learn from it and grow from it.

Not only do I share my personal experience but I show you how the spiritual teachers and masters of our time help us deal with breakup and change.

I know this book can help you move along your journey and free yourself of the prison of your past. It can help you move on to the life awaiting you.

Pick up The Sacred Art of Letting Go: Walk 12 Steps with Spiritual Masters to Let Go of Past Relationships and Find Peace Today when it goes on sale on June 6th, 2019. 

Why I Loved Living in the Past for Years of My Life and Why You Shouldn’t

I loved living in the past for years of my life.

It was like split pea soup or chicken noodle soup or some other kind of soup that instantly makes you feel at home.

Imagine being curled up in a warm blanket on a rainy night, slurping on your favorite soup in your favorite cabin in the woods.

After soup is a cup of hot chocolate and smores.

Your feet are roasting by the fireplace and because the Wi-Fi is down, all you can do is read your favorite book on the Kindle.

You wish this moment could last forever.

This is exactly what it’s like to live in the past.

Some of us do this for a weekend, some for a few weeks at a time and others for years at a time.

Why stay stuck living in the past for inordinate amounts of time?

This is a beautiful, relaxing and peaceful place.

In this place, you don’t have to grow, stretch yourself or do anything else.

You can enjoy your past relationship for months or years.

You can take refuge in the memories of your past, replaying them over and over again.

You can find comfort in the certainty of what happened.

The future is unknown; it involves risks and all kinds of growth. You never know how the story will end.

But living in the past, you’re the queen!

You’re royalty.

You’re in charge.

You bring up the memories you want and you replay them over and over and over again.

You assign blame, you take on blame. You assign guilt, you take on guilt. You take on sadness and regret and shame.

You play in the sandbox of sadness and struggle.

You bask in the sunlight of anger and resentment.

All these things I’m describing feel good. Who would ever want to leave that place?

You get to be the victim of a love gone wrong.

And you get to be the hero who made it through the rain.

We are all like Adele in the past, with our lovers forgetting about us or taking advantage of us or cheating on us.

All we can do is pick up the phone, say “hello” and dream about how things used to be.

“Hello…from the other side…I must have called a thousand times…to tell you that I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done…”

In the past, we create our own reality.

We tell ourselves our own stories about what happened.

And we choose how long we sit and marinate in the misery and pain we have had to suffer.

What you’re missing out on if you live here.

Unfortunately, as wonderful as it has been to live in this place, you and I have been missing out on the lives waiting for us out there.

When we were babies, for example, we fell many times in our quest to walk. However, we didn’t give up.

Each attempt involved hope, risk and, ultimately, reward.

In our childhood years, we constantly ignored the consequences and took a risk, pursued a passion, went after a dream.

We pushed it to the limit, not knowing or caring about our previous experiences.

We had a blank canvas on which we could paint the life we wanted.

Yet, after this last heartbreak, you just want the safety and security of your bed.

You don’t want all the things the world can offer you.

You don’t want adventure, risk or the freedom to explore.

You don’t want newness or excitement or possibilities.

You sure as hell don’t want another relationship or to date or to open your heart to anyone.

You just want peace, quiet and calmness.

Maybe you want to move back home with your parents and be with them as you all age.

You want love from furry animals that will never betray you and always stand by your side.

You may have chosen to live like a hermit for years.

I did…and I know how comforting and welcoming this place was.

Yet, I’m now realizing that as I was warming my feet next to the fireplace of the familiar, you and I have been missing out by living in the past.

You’ve been missing out on soul expansion and growth.

You’ve been missing out on heart passion and joy.

You’ve been missing out on all the things the world has to offer.

You’ve been missing out on jobs, relationships, travel and the opportunity for your life to be so much richer than the safety of your cocoon.

You’ve been missing out on opportunities to find the “real you” and to realize your life’s potential and destiny.

The past was safe but having lived there for what seems like ages has robbed you of the richness and potential of what can unfold in your life.

Is it time to move on…and how?

If you’re ready to leave the warmth of the cocoon, seek your purpose and live the life that’s waiting for you, you can do this today.

‘Is now the time to move on?’ is a question only you can answer. However, know that when you answer this question, you are affirming a choice.

You were not in grief and stuckness because of time but because of choice.

It’s time to move on when you deem it’s time to move on.

You move on just like I did.

You move on by taking small steps to find your bearings.

You move on by releasing anger towards your ex and letting go of the pain of the past.

You move on by forgiving the people who hurt you.

You move on by forgiving yourself.

You move on by releasing the past stories you’ve been telling yourself and, instead, choosing a new story.

You move on by learning from people who have been in the same place you are. You find out what they did and then you do that.

You read and learn from the experiences of others.

You experiment until you’re able to let go of the past and find peace today.

In a book I’ve written for you, I’ve summed up my own efforts and experiences.

The book is called The Sacred Art of Letting Go: Walk 12 Steps with Spiritual Masters to Let Go of Past Relationships and Find Peace Today.

Not only did I walk this journey but I confirmed each of the 12 steps of that journey I took on the wisdom of spiritual masters and teachers.

These are not just my steps of walking back from the past to present-moment living. Rather, these are actions that teachers, old and new, have prescribed – everyone from the Dalai Lama and Thich Nhat Hanh to Deepak Chopra and Ram Dass.

As comfortable as it may seem to remain in this space of living in the past, at some point you must give up this place and return the keys to its rightful owner: the past itself.

You may not have a new place to live yet but the future promises soul expansion, heart growth and new opportunities to fulfill your destiny.

A little uncomfortable but so worth it.

You can pick up The Sacred Art of Letting Go on June 1, 2019 on Amazon.

10 Tips To Survive Divorce Charmingly Well

You don’t have to merely survive divorce if you’re going through one.

You definitely won’t be surviving divorce if you did divorce the charmed divorce way.

Leah Scott and Robin Sassi, bloggers and authors over at Charmed Divorce, wrote a book in 2017 that I’ve been reading over the years whenever I needed a shot of inspiration or a good laugh.

This book is like having a couple girl-friends giving you divorce advice over a glass of wine.

You’ll cry, you’ll laugh, and possibly forget you’re going through a divorce by the time you finish this book.

Interestingly, the two women start and end the book with the two words, “Get Laid”.

Now, this is in no way a sex book of any kind but the authors do stress the importance of sex in the first and last page of the book.

This is one sure way to have a charmed divorce, right? Lots of sex?!

Here are their other 10 tips on surviving your divorce charmingly well from the book Charmed Divorce.

10 ways to survive divorce charmingly well.

1. Taking care of yourself.

“How your body feels affects the way your mind operates and positive body conditioning is good for the soul. Working on yourself from the outside in is a way to feel good inside out.”

One of things that both women encourage is taking care of yourself and treating yourself well in divorce. They suggest an hour a day of self –care for your body, mind and soul. They say it’s time do whatever it takes to feel good even if you might be feeling lousy.

2. Appreciate the small stuff.

“With all the changes you are going through, life can appear overwhelming and unstable. Appreciating the small things will make the big things less daunting. Remember: small things. By small, we mean miniscule.”

They encourage showing appreciation for all the small things that are going right in your life. Remind yourself how good you have it. You may not be able to control the bigger things in your life but replace that with the tiny joy of everyday life.

3. Get through the hard stuff.

“Cry, stomp, rage, scream. Do these things and then be done with it. It is only when you process those emotions that you can move on with the right attitude. What is that attitude? You can get through this.”

You don’t have to run away from the hard stuff. Divorce will be the hardest thing you will be going through emotionally. Feel your feelings and experience the emotions to survive divorce. The women promise you that it does get better after you get through.

4. Declutter your life.

“Clutter that piles up in your mind will make it difficult to think clearly. It’s time to take inventory of your house and your mind. This will help you create your new life and new space. “

Decluttering will help you with the letting go process. First, clean out the physical stuff and then work on the mental stuff that is occupying your mind. Having less stuff will help you get more productive and feel more relaxed. You can fill your physical space and your mind with the things that bring you happiness.

5. Stay open-minded to new experiences.

“Make a list of things that you have thought about trying but never felt you had the time for. It could be a new type of food, class or social group.”

To get out of the rut of an unfulfilling marriage, try experiment and doing new things. The women suggest getting out of your comfort zone. Explore parts of yourself that were lying dormant. It’s time to live it up with adventure and change of routine.

6. Discover what you want to do with your life

“What better time than to start something new whether it’s a business idea, a new way of eating or exercising, or that craft you were always so good at making. ”

Be creative and explore what you’re passionate about in life. Reconsider if you’re career is something you enjoy doing or is it time to try something else. Consider starting that new business you had in mind. Try out different things that you feel drawn toward and start living a more passionate life. You are now free to.

7. Exercising bravery 

“The fear you may feel come from anticipating the world without a partner. This is where you learn to be brave and discover that being alone is not the end of the world.”

They remind you that you’re going to have to find the courage to live a braver life. You’re going to have to do a whole bunch of things you don’t feel like doing after the marriage ends. This takes conscious effort, determination, and continually showing up for difficult and challenging situations.

8. Discover yourself

“This is the time to ‘date’ yourself. It’s time to take yourself to a movie, out to eat, or to some other event – alone.”

You need alone time post divorce to get to know yourself more. Only when you know yourself can you go forward and be in a better and healthier relationship. They recommend taking yourself out, eating and watching movies alone, to get to know yourself better.

9. Celebrate

“A ‘just divorced’ party is the celebration of the conclusion of the legal process of your divorce…Completing the divorce is a great reason to celebrate.”

You’ve reached a milestone and may have been stressed for the past few months or years while you survived divorce. No better way to celebrate, enjoy with friends and have a party!

10. Have great sex ?!

“It is time to enjoy your new life. What better way than to have some great sex? So go on, and get laid! You deserve the attention and pleasure.”

As I mentioned the women, start and end the book with this tip so there’s probably something to it. They recommend this because they say it’s time to start enjoying your new life. You deserve the attention and the pleasure.

The two authors have put a positive spin on the D-word in this book, Charmed Divorce. The women say that a charmed divorce is enjoying your new life post divorce, being strong and keeping a smile on your fact. They did it and remind you that you can too.

If you’re going through a divorce, do yourself a favor and pick up Charmed Divorce in the Amazon store today. You don’t have to simply survive divorce.  You can get through it charmingly well.

15 Self-Love Quotes from the Most Important Instagram Acccount on the Internet Today

I don’t have much time for Instagram or much other social media these days.

I may drop in occasionally but one of the primary reasons that I check in on Instagram is for one of the most important Instagram accounts out there.

I love this Instagram account by Mark Groves.

It’s not just because he’s regularly dropping truth bombs on his Instagram account but I’m calling this the most important account out there because of WHAT he’s talking about.

Mark’s teachings and message help us get more in touch with ourselves emotionally to heal the wounds within and love ourselves and others more.

There is no more important work than that today.

Follow this account and hey, while you’re there, follow his blog. It will change every aspect of your life, but most importantly the relationship you have with yourself.

15 Mark Groves quotes for self-love from the most important Instagram account on the Internet

1. “When we don’t ask for what we want, we don’t get it.” Mark Groves

2. “You are worthy of the kind of love you showed yourself by walking away.” Mark Groves

3. “When choosing a partner, choose based on something so much more than just attraction. Look for kindness. Look for respect. Look for willingness to be wrong. And then be those things yourself so they can find you too.” Mark Groves

4. “Don’t hold things that require a tight grip. Including thoughts, expectations and even people.” Mark Groves

5. “When you say no to people who don’t show up for you, you not only honor your value, you raise it.” Mark Groves

6. “I think the problem is we depend on lovers to love us the way we should love ourselves.”

7. “If it doesn’t open your door, it’s not your door.”

8. “Nothing meant to be in your life will ever require you to abandon yourself to keep it.”

9. “The choices you make are far more powerful than what you say you desire. Choice determines path, and path determines who you’ll meet. You must become what you seek.” Mark Groves

10. “Time only heals if we do something with that time.” Mark Groves

11. “Sometimes our growth takes us beyond certain people. Often the key to honoring that growth is to let them go.” Mark Groves

12. “There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning.” Mark Groves

13. “I’ve found that growing up means being honest. About what I want. What I need. What I feel. Who I am.”

14. “It’s in the space between the love we’ve lost and the love we hop to find, where we meet ourselves.” Mark Groves

15. “Sometimes it takes losing what we were settling for to remind us what we deserve.”

If you found these Mark Groves quotes inspiring, check out his Instagram account here, his Podcast here and his Youtube channel here