Stop Living Like Everyone Else and Create Your Own Path

walking your own path

These are uncertain times for all of us.

I am here in Malaysia on my own path and just as worried as everyone else.

Although the virus threat here is limited, the economy has come to a standstill.

You know it’s serious in Malaysia when they’ve closed down the night markets and outdoor food stalls.

I mean - the outdoor food stalls !?!

And in the United States, where I was living until late last year, people are on edge.

My friends, like in other parts of the world, have been asked to stay home from work, not send their kids to school and stay away from others.

Every institution that we were familiar with has come to a grinding halt.

Society as we know it has stopped.

On my end, in Malaysia, I’m writing away and following my own path. There is nothing like a quarantine to dedicate large chunks of time to writing.

I’m noticing that my book sales on Amazon are increasing. Interesting, that people are buying books and consuming content at home during this pandemic.

And either because people are at home or because I’ve been promoting my coaching of late here, I’m getting more coaching inquiries this month and doing more sessions than I have in the past.

Ever since I started writing and coaching people online, my close family and friends have suggested I do something that earns more money like going back to my previous legal career.

I have totally ignored their suggestions and advice and have stuck by my desire to create content, sell books and coach online. I recently started another blog to help other coaches sell their coaching services.

Society thinks IT has it right.

It tells you how to study, where to go to work, what kind of job to do, what place to live and how to live your life. It tells you what happiness is, what love is and what a fulfilling life is.

Society instructs you to earn the most amount of money you can.

There is major groupthink going on.

Especially in this traditional Indian cultures by mine.

They tell you what to study (computers or medicine), what age to get married at (25), and even who to marry (a family with property). They tell you what to do next (buy a house and have two kids). They tell you what celebrations to celebrate: weddings, the birth of your kids and 60th birthdays.

Your culture or society may also be telling you how to live your life and not to follow your own path.

Even in the west, society indirectly tells you to get a college degree, a good-paying job and the biggest house you can find.

Education and income is seen as the good life. This is fine unless…..it’s not the life for you!

Everyone is told the same thing and you are told this because society has a strong interest in getting you to comply.

Society needs you to do it’s work.

Houses need to be bought.

Colleges need students.

Hospitals need patients and they need people on health insurance.

The path that society has set for us isn’t exactly sane, normal or fulfilling. (I write more about this in my book, 7 Sacred Promises (affiliate link)

When my marriage fell apart, I just had this realization that made me doubt all the institutions society had set up.

What if this was not the way to live?

We are only living this way because everyone else is but you know what?

You don’t have to live this way. This isn’t the only route.

You don’t have to follow one path, marry one person, live in one place and do one job.

You have options.

You can buck the trend.

You can break the societal mandates and follow your own path but you may face some obstacles in the way.

Your mind likely nags you about these questions anytime you consider a different path.

Here are 8 common obstacles to living your own path and how to overcome it: 

1. What if I don’t know what to do?

If you come to the realization that what you’re doing isn’t working or isn’t meaningful, then you’re at a starting point already.

If you feel like you are caught up in society’s game, then you are where you need to be.

Knowing what you don’t want to do is a major starting point to figure out what you do want to do and figuring out your own path.

If you are done with corporate, you can rule all those paths out of your life.

If you are done with the government, you can eliminate those careers from your path.

Figure out all the things you don’t want to do as a starting point.

2. What if I don’t want to quit my job and travel the world?

Who’s asking you to quit your job and travel the world?

If that isn’t for you, that isn’t for you.

Your job isn’t to follow anyone’s path but your own.

The idea is to live your life on your own terms so figuring out what your values are, what your desired lifestyle is, what your daily looks like and what is meaningful work for you.

The idea here is to not live like everyone else and jump into the rat race. It’s to be mindful and intentional with how you spend your work time and what it is you do. It’s about contributing in a way that uses your strengths to do work that matters to you.

Instead of quitting your job and traveling the world, you can do more meaningful work. You can earn a living from your spiritual or passion work. You can do work that actually helps people. You can have a career change to do work that is not contingent on a particular salary to afford the lifestyle society expects you to have.

You can get off the treadmill.

3. What if I fail?

I love this question because as we speak, I’m’ afraid. I honestly have no idea if my writing and coaching business will work. The positive is that I have been progressively doing better every month but will this be enough to sustain me for the long run?

I honestly have no idea but here’s the thing, I don’t care because I know that working or not, this dream and career (writing and coaching) will get me to the next place. I will continue to do more of it if I get my wish or it will take me to the next place in my life, so I’m’ continuing on my own path.

Failure will get you to where you need to go. If you try something and it doesn’t work, be grateful for the experience. Not everything is lost, similar to a failed relationship. If you do marriage badly and get a divorce, you still become a better future partner who is a little wiser in relationships.

There is no failure, only learning and redirection.

4. What if I can’t make money?

Making money through a job is the safest and surest way to make money until… things like natural disasters happen.

Jobs and income go away during lay-offs and redundancies. You are likely to lose your job any time when business goes bad.

If you want to transition out of a job into a job that pays less, know that you’re better of doing a job for meaning because you’ll feel abundantly rich.

If you want to work for yourself and start your own thing,  why not have a little bit more control about your income and how much money you make?

You’ve never had the opportunity to try to make money on your own. Why not try it and see if it can work?

The resistance to or fear about not making money is about your mindset.

Venturing out on your own and attempting to earn a living for yourself is a way for personal growth and an opportunity to change your money mindset.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with money and earning a living is not as hard as you think it may be.

You just have to learn how to earn it like you learned how to earn it at your day job.

5. What if I’m afraid?

Pursuing meaningful work is scary because it is uncertain and may come at the expense of a pay cut.

Yet, consider what is really scary - wasting your one precious life, not doing work that you want to be doing and can impact the world.

What is scary is living your whole life and then regretting not having done what you wanted to have done.

As I mentioned earlier, the worse thing that can happen is failure and even failure will get you to the next phase in your life.

Venturing off and pursuing what’s meaningful to you maybe scary but you now get to practice facing your fears, for today and for the future.

Breaking off from societal mandates and following your own path will be a practice in confronting fear.

6. What if I fall further behind than everyone I know?

Your friends are getting fancy jobs, moving up in their careers and buying houses.
Venturing out and doing your own thing means you’ll be left out and fall farther behind.

Exactly! That’s the point.

The rest of society is marching to their own drum beat and they don’t exactly know where they are marching to. Just because everyone is doing it, doesn’t mean they are right.

Let me repeat: Just because everyone is doing it, doesn’t mean they are right.

You want to fall behind because falling behind might be falling ahead.

Falling behind can lead you to clarity, meaning, fulfillment and happiness.

7. What if I can’t afford to take a leap right now?

Do not quit your job right now and move to Hollywood to start your acting career or the Himalayas to start your spiritual retreat. There is a right way and wrong way to pursue your dreams.

The thing is that you should get clear on first is what you want. Have some picture of the life you want and a good idea about your life purpose. It doesn’t have to be the final thing. Just start somewhere. Then work on figuring out the strategies to achieve that purpose and the financial numbers you need to make that happen.

Save up for it. If you can’t save up for it, minimize your life and expenses. What I did was live in cheaper places and saved a good portion of my paycheck.

I had an exit date and savings to last for a year. I’ve done this twice in my life now. When I did this the last time and I wasn’t making the income I needed, I went back to my previous job. I earned more at my day job and built up my side income even more so I could make the leap again.

8. What’s preventing you from taking action?

Comfort.

Honestly.

We crave comfort more than anything else.

When you are following the crowd and society-designed life, it’s easy, comfortable and certain.

Until it’s not and the life you had built up suddenly disappears from you in front of you because of a recession or slowdown in business.

Comfort makes you want to sit back and go through the society-designed path even if you are not happy or fulfilled.

Between fear and uncertainty versus comfort and a society-prescribed life, many of us will chose the latter. We want certainty of our jobs, pay-checks and pay increases.

I get that’s what drives society but is that what drives you?

Have you considered that there’s another possibility and another option?

Can you create your own path of meaning and purpose instead of pay increases and new titles?

Ready to start your own path? Check out my life direction coaching offering. It’s the first step to living the life you want. 

You Don’t Need All the Answers to Follow Your Purpose

follow your life purpose

After I got out of the legal field, I went to work with labor unions and help workers.

Soon after that, I worked for a NGO helping pass policy to protect older people and the disabled.

I did community organizing meaning I brought people together from the community to help pass laws to protect the elderly and disabled.

I really loved this job!

It was the best job for me.

And the plus side was that I had the best boss in the world.

I worked from home, my schedule was flexible and my work was meaningful.

I worked with the political leaders in California, grassroots activists, and regular everyday people to make the lives better for millions of people.

As much as I loved this job, I was being pulled away from it.

My purpose is to help people at rock bottom make a comeback in their lives, especially the divorced and heart-broken.

My purpose is to help people let go of the past and start over in their lives, to remind them the tragic event was simply a roadblock and not the end of the road.

So every day I did my job but worked toward my purpose.

There is a big difference between office work or a “regular” job and your purpose or soul-job.

Doing your purpose or your soul work is scary – you know why?

The reason most of us are terrified is that there’s no certain or clear path.

You have to figure it out on your own.

If you went to work in the government for example, you would be told what to do.

There are policies and procedures on everything.

There are pay scales and promotion policies that will tell you when you will move up in the organization and how much you will get paid.

When you’re doing soul work, you will have to come up with all these things on your own.

Yet it’s not impossible, you’re just not used to it.

You may not know exactly what it is you want to do.

You may not know how to build it.

You may not have the skills you need to do marketing or sales.

You may not have the technical skills to build a website or blog.

The good news is that you don’t have to get caught up in these details.

Before you start figuring out how to make your soul’s work a reality, you have to figure out what is your soul’s work? What is your purpose?

You figure that out and then you work backwards from there.

When I coach people on finding their direction and following their purpose, they get caught up in the tactics and strategies to make a living.

Their first question is how to pay for doing their life’s purpose.

They want to know the “how” before getting super clear on the what and the why.

I work with them to get clear on the “what” and the “why” first. What is it that you want your life to look like and why do you want that life.

Knowing what it is you want to do and why it is you want to do it is the most important thing. Once you know these two things, everything else will become easier.

Don’t run away from figuring out your purpose because you’re afraid of the uncertainty of the path.

Also, don’t postpone on starting on your purpose.

Life is short.

We get to only live once.

You have two choices.

Follow the mandates of society and do what is certain today.

Or follow your purpose and do what’s soul-satisfying, starting today.

By the way, soul-satisfying doesn’t mean being broke or in financial ruin.

You can do purposeful work and make a living at it.

You know what?

All the wealthiest artists, writers, actors and performers are making a living doing their life purpose.

If you are in alignment with your purpose, the sky is the limit.

You’ll feel like I do – a millionaire just because you get to do what you want to do.

And if you do end up doing what it is you’re supposed to be doing with your life, the money will follow.

So don’t worry about the obstacles and limitations in your way.

Well, worry about the path later but for now, look at the big picture of where you want your life to go.

Admit to yourself what your life purpose is.

See the vision of what your life could like.

It’s exactly why I created the Life Direction Coaching session.

It will help you get clear on your vision and purpose.

Once you embrace that, the other pieces including finances, will fall into place.

The path towards your purpose may be uncertain but will be much more fulfilling in the long run.

If you’re ready to make your soul sing and do work that is refreshing and motivating every day, then please get in touch with me. If you want to learn more about my life direction coaching, check out this coaching option here

Your Dreams Are Most Fertile When Your Life Comes Crashing Down

It was our final trip together.

We were trying to save our marriage in Paris.

Think romantic walks along the Seine river, hand-holding in the Louvre museum or late night frolicking at the Eifel Tower.

Sad to report, that was the trip of my dreams but not the trip of what happened.

It was a wonderful trip but the separation between the two of us was thick in the air.

We didn’t speak at times.

We disagreed about what we wanted to see.

And had pent up anger towards each which was thicker than a cup of  café au lait.

It was painful and heartbreaking.

It was months before our divorce was finalized in 2011.

Fast forward to today where I’ve moved to Asia and writing to you from India.

This week, I write to you from Kerala.

Someone called this God’s country.

Everything they say about Kerala is true.

I’m here for a bit doing more writing, finishing books and coaching people who are recovering from their own breakups or divorces.

This trip is so different than the last.

Early morning writing and walking.

Meditating and socializing with people visiting from around the world.

Watching the sunset in the evening.

Delicious food.

Spiritual awakening.

Creative endeavours.

What the heck, I’m thinking to myself.

How did I end up here?

This is what I would call my dream life.

Working and living the way I want to.

It took me awhile to get here and I’m still pursuing this dream that I had but I’m telling you that this life would have never been possible if I was still unhappily married.

Here’s where I want to get real with you.

Your life felt like it ended when your marriage or long-term relationship did.

You may never have had the opportunity in life to pursue your dreams.

You may never have had a chance to ask yourself what it is you want and how it is you want to live your life.

So much of your life was by default.

The beauty of things coming crashing down is that it clears the path.

It gets rid of all the social constructs, obligations, fears and expectations.

It gives you courage, resiliency and a knowing that you can get through anything or achieve anything.

If you lived a normal life without much challenge or adversity, you couldn’t forge ahead with your dreams.

Those of us who have been through crap know that we can do whatever we want.

We are survivors.

If we can go to hell and back, we can definitely follow our dreams.

So, let’s start today with what it is you want.

Have you given yourself permission to ask yourself what it is you want out of life?

We are here in another new year.

If you feel like you’re not living the life you want, it’s time to ask yourself the easy and hard questions.

What do I want to do with my life?

How can I find meaning and purpose?

How can I create the life I want to live?

If you haven’t asked yourself these questions, let me prompt you.

I’m coaching people this month to uncover what it is they want.

The session lasts about an hour. You can get details here.

Stop dreaming about living your dream life and start making your dream life a reality.

It’s no longer time to play small.

You know what you’re capable of because you’ve survived the worst of it.

I want to ask you what your vision for your life is – read more about my coaching here.

Start the year off right with a life direction coaching session. It’s the first step to launching the life you want to live. 

One Way to Let Go of the Past

I’m writing this from a hotel room from Chennai.

India, people, India!

I’ve had a picture about how I wanted to live my life ever since my divorce.

Before my divorce, I had this vision of a dream life that I thought was absolutely nutty.

Nutty in the sense that I never thought it would be possible.

I didn’t think I could spend my time inspiring people, write, coach, and get paid for it.

I didn’t think you could actually pursue your dream career and make it work.

I didn’t think that you could create your dream lifestyle and make that work!

My dream life is essentially to do my work around my life.

Not my life around my work.

I saw most of society putting work first and doing their life outside of the 9 to 5.

I wanted to live life between 9 to 5 and work when I felt like it.

Also, I wanted work to not feel like work.

I wanted it to be pure passion and purpose.

I made big leaps and took small steps.

I transitioned out of the legal profession.

I took a job with much more work-life balance that allowed me to prioritize writing.

I took months and years off from regular employment to build my coaching practice.

It feels like I’m finally getting there.

I’m back in Asia and doing slow travel and work from this part of the world.

Every day, my life revolves around friends and family, visiting spiritual places and meditating and trying to stay healthy. Oh and working, of course, but that happens early in the morning or late at night.

I write for this blog for people who have experienced divorce and heartbreak.

I write on Medium for people who need some motivation.

I write on Amazon and get paid when people purchase one of my books. The best way to support my work by the way is to pick up a book on Amazon (aff link).

I also am going to launch a series of courses about letting go of the past and overcoming heartbreak in the coming month.

This is the dream that I’ve been working towards for years and feels like it is finally materializing.

I work for myself and have the freedom to live my life on my own terms.

If I had looked back on the past, which I have a bad habit of doing, I would have thought about how great my legal career was and how I should have stuck to the known and certain path to financial security and career stability.

But screw that!

Here’s what happened post-divorce!

I realized how fragile life is/was.

I realized that if nightmares could come true, then for sure, dreams could come true.

I realized that life’s short.

I might as well spend the time doing what I want to do instead of what society wanted me to do.

So I envisioned a life that I wanted to life.

I saw a future life in my mind that seemed way out there but got clear about it.

And have spent the last few years moving towards that future.

It’s unfolding as we speak.

Seeing your future vividly is one way to help you let go of the heaviness of the past.

When your mind is replaying past highlights and memories, train it to see what it is you want it is you want now.

What is your vision for your life?

What does that life look like? If you’re on my email list, please reply and let me know what your dream life looks like.

If you need some support and guidance in this process, check out my coaching page here. There’s no better way to start 2020 than envisioning what it is you want out of life.

Why The Broken Hearted Are Better Travelers

Liz Gilbert has been on my mind ever since Eat, Pray, Love.

The book came out around the same time of my own divorce.

It was about one divorced woman’s journey eating, praying and loving around the world.

She finds herself in the book, finds her man and pens a book that sets up her future life as a writer.

Initially, I wasn’t a fan of the book.

I don’t know.

Something about a woman who had it all and had so much going for her didn’t need a world-wide vacation to find herself.

How trite!

How clichéd.

How privileged.

Things were not so bad, Liz, I had wanted to say.

You had a degree and a professional career.

You lived in New York.

You were doing your life’s work.

Divorces happen.

Life goes on.

But does it really?

I think for some people, yes, life does go on.

Everyone responds to divorce and breakups differently.

I have met people who are dating multiple people after their divorce, having the time of their life and marrying their soulmate soon after.

I’ve also met people who are stuck for years on end after divorce.

This is  was me.

These are the people who I coach.

This might be you.

Some people feel physically alive but emotionally and spiritually dead post breakup.

Some people believe only their past contains their best life.

They believe their future is sad and hopeless.

We are people who saw the life that we knew crumble right in front of us.

We survived the wreckage but are still left wondering, “why us and what now”.

“Why me” is what led me to leave my career as a lawyer. (It also made me write this book Is God Listening)

“What now” is what led me to Bombay and Kerala, to Burma and Sri Lanka, to Guatemala and Costa Rica. (I should probably write a book on that…oh, wait…)

I now get why travel is so attractive to the broken-hearted and divorced.

I’m going to urge you to do more of it too.

You know what’s different about us?

Our entire lives fell apart.

Everything we had known to be true no longer is.

The life that we had created vanished right in front of our eyes.

Our marriage, our partner, our schedules, possibly our jobs and where we lived, where our children live, etc etc.

Our lives crumbled. Everything changed and nothing made sense anymore.

Which in many ways is like travel.

Imagine waking up in a foreign country that doesn’t speak the language you’re used to, has completely different customs and traditions and appears totally foreign too.

You and I are already used to this!

If you’re experienced in unfamiliar places, foreign surroundings and where nothing makes sense, then travel is perfect.

Except unlike our romantic breakups, travel is welcoming and pleasant.

We welcome in new foods and hospitable people.

We don’t understand languages that are filled with romanticism and adventure.

We see people and places that are unfamiliar but beautiful.

We find ourselves in situations where we might be by ourselves but seem connected to the people around us.

I’m not exactly saying that divorce is a like a trip to Paris but maybe I  am

And those of us who are divorced will excel at it.

And those of us who are divorced should do more of it.

Once you see the world you’re familiar with disappear, you adapt and try to make sense of the new world in front of you.

If you’ve done it in divorce, you can do it in travel.

In travel, novelty and unfamiliarity is pleasant and welcoming.

Newness doesn’t mean waking up by yourself in a huge bed in a huge house.

Your newness is waking up in a quaint hotel overlooking beautiful lakes you’ve never seen in your life.

Or trying to buy unpronounceable street food from people who don’t speak the same language as you.

The divorced are experienced in the novel and unfamiliar.

We are trained to start over when everything in unknown.

We didn’t go out for a weekend seminar to learn this.

Divorce taught us to navigate the unfamiliar and uncertain.

It taught us to stand strong and step up when the rug was being pulled from underneath us.

So, travel more often.

Travel to more unfamiliar locations.

Have your external circumstances change regularly until…

you realize that the external can change frequently and often but you still remain the same.

Underneath all the change and unknown is you:

Known, truthful, expanding, growing, soulful.

Hey are you subscribed to the blog? If not, sign up today so I can email you on the regular 🙂 with words of insight and inspiration. 

Keep This Dirty Divorce Secret To Yourself

I need you to keep this a secret for God’s sake!

Don’t ruin it for everyone else, please.

The more married people come to know about this, the more lives are going to be ruined.

This must only stay here between us.

Divorce is sad and hard.

One day you’re grocery shopping together, strategizing about the tofu wraps you’re going to prepare for your dinner guests at home.

The next day you lose your spouse, your friends, your home and all desire to eat tofu.

Other people are going to work and living their everyday lives but you want to curl up in bed, wrap yourself in a blanket and just permanently stay there.

Don’t we get 3 chances at life just like video games? Or 9 lives just like cats?

Anyway, I was in your shoes.

I thought it was over after divorce. I was looking forward to a peaceful life and old age.

This whole married thing and looking normal to the rest of society was fun and normal.

We had jobs and friends and family and vacation time and professional degrees.

What the heck else could we ever want?

I mean sure we could ask for real love, happiness and a life of our dreams.

Or we could have dinner, put the dishes away and go to bed so we could go to work the next day.

We could go to Ikea and Christmas parties.

We could send out annual greeting cards and post happy Facebook photos of ourselves even if we weren’t.

This continued until the divorce at which point it all came to a crashing halt.

And you know what it has been.

Divorce sucks. Sucked.

You’re alone much of the time.

Society doesn’t really see you.

Most people think there’s something wrong with you.

And everyone deeply desires you get married again so you can be happy and normal like the rest of everybody else.

Which brings me to this dirty little secret about divorce.

Since divorce, I’ve been living the best few years of my life.

  • Every damn day, I live the life I want.
  • I see who I want, I do what I want and live the way that I want.
  • I don’t give a hoot about what anyone thinks about me or the way I’m living my life.
  • All the negativity and toxicity has been out of my life.

I wake up happier knowing that my life is truly in my hands. I experience freedom, happiness and joy often.

I write and share content online for other people who were in the same situation as I was.

I write books for those people and encourage them to live their best lives.

I travel to parts of the world that I want to travel to but never had time to.

I go to events that I want to go to.

I meditate and chant mantras on the daily.

I slowed down my life and live a life of quiet existence doing whatever the heck I want.

From the outside in, my life looks like a total disaster and going all downhill.

People I intimately know are praying for my salvation and hoping I wake up soon and join the ranks of regular society: marriage, kids and real estate.

I continue to wake up every day looking forward to doing what I want: spirituality, writing and helping people.”

Who would have thought that I can live this life !?!

God dang, this is the best.

Screw marriage (the bad ones, of course).

Celebrate divorce.

Please don’t share this information with anyone else. Especially not with the married folk in your life.

Don’t ruin it for them!!

Don’t tell them that divorce might make them happier every day and give them the chance to create the life of their dreams.

Don’t tell them that divorce means peace, happiness and living life on your own terms. It might mean the best thing that has ever happened to them.

Don’t tell them that it means finding true compatibility and having a reals shot at love.

You and I must do our best to keep the gory details of divorce a secret.

Let us enjoy in secrecy while the rest of society is marching to prescribed notions of what a good life is.

Don’t share this blog post with any unhappily married people you know.

Don’t ruin it for us in this private, exclusive, happy divorcees club.

Don’t buy my books either if you’re contemplating divorce. If might push you over the edge and convince you to get one.

Or celebrate your post-divorce life like a champion.

Photo by Alina Kovalchuk

How to Get Out of a Toxic Relationship

In a toxic relationship?

Or find yourself in a pattern of toxic relationships?

How do you break out of one and find healing?

Check out my interview above with author A.G Billig.

A.G. writes about her experiences with toxic relationships in her book, 5 Easy Steps to Ending Toxic Relationships: Unplug the Negativity Cord and Jump-Start Your Emotional Healing.(affiliate link)

Three powerful take-aways from the book are:

1. Look for the patterns in toxic relationships.

She writes that “patterns are recurring situations that are woven into our lives, often with different people.” If you don’t learn the lessons with this partner, you’re going to have to learn it from the next.

2. Unplug the negativity cord so you can break out of the toxic relationship you’re in.

Surround yourself and cultivate more positivity in your life. Seek positivity and healthy interactions in all areas of your life regardless of the relationship you’re in. Start seeing and engaging with the life outside of the relationship you’re in.

3. Take your power back.

If you are blaming yourself for your misfortune and bad relationships, it’s time to take your power back. Stop blaming the person you’re in a relationship with. “See every person who challenges you and pushes your buttons as a teacher or mirror.” Look for the lessons in situations instead of focusing on how bad the situation is.

Now is the time to make changes in your life by exiting the toxic relationships you might be in. Change starts with learning, self-awareness, observing patterns and consciously making changes.

A.G. speaks at an emotional, spiritual and conscious level to help you realize that you don’t have to live with this kind of negativity forever.

If you’re in a toxic relationship or want to avoid getting into more of them, check out 5 Easy Steps to Ending Toxic Relationships today on the Amazon store here (affiliate link).

The Bright Side of a Broken Heart by Michelle D’Avella

This book by Michelle D’Avella is powerful and healing. It is poetic and soul-touching.

She speaks of a painful breakup in her life and discusses all the bright sides she discovered from this past relationship.

Read this book today. Pick it up at the Amazon store here (affiliate link) on your healing journey. Learn the profound wisdom and practical benefits of a broken heart which she shares.

Hoping Your Ex Comes Back?

You may be a romantic.

An idealist.

A hopeful optimist.

These are wonderful qualities in life and terrible qualities in love!

Normal people treat relationships like they treat books and movies. Some are good and some are going to be so terrible that you walk out half way or stop reading.

All of here reading, including yours truly, treat relationships like the sword we are going to die on.

We are going to go down for love.

We are going to be prisoners of war in this battle.

We are going to spend way too much of our lives and our time doing the right thing.

What is that right thing?

Believing in love.

Dying for love.

Holding onto hope that love will work out and staying faithful for years on end.

It may not matter that our ex remarried and moved on to live their best life.

We are going to stay in this place, waiting and hoping that they come back into our lives!

I did this for years of mine.

I didn’t date.

I didn’t move on.

I just waited and hoped that my person would come back into my life. It would be similar to someone waiting for Santa Claus to show up on Christmas eve and introduce himself.

The sad news is that she didn’t show up.

(Neither did Santa now that I think about it but I’m holding onto hope.)

Well, maybe she did show up years later but we both decided that we were not the right people for each. We had different lives, interests, values and were different people who wanted different things.

I mean I should have known that in the 7 plus years we were married but better late than never I guess.

Now, your turn.

Has your ex moved on?

Are they dating and living their best life?

Are you still waiting, hoping and praying your ex comes back and chooses you again?

Instead of holding onto hope for your ex, move on and cope with the sadness and grief of it being over.

You know the relationship didn’t work and hasn’t worked for years.

There are too many unresolved issues between both of you to try again.

It’s time to get off the “hoping your ex comes back” train and hop along to the partner who is waiting for you.

6 Steps to Give Up on Hope On Your Relationship Working Out and Move On With Your Life

1. Choose to see things as they are, not how you want them to be.

Look at the relationship for what it was and what it is today.

Look at the situation as objectively and realistically as possible. Avoid possibility thinking of what it could be today or dreamy thinking of what it was in your dreams!

2. Don’t over-romanticize the past.

Evaluate the situation like a regular human being, not like you’re writing a Shakespearean play or like you’re writing a screenplay similar to the Titanic.

Don’t add dramatic music and recall overly-sentimental scenes from your past relationship.

3. Don’t focus on the length of time you were together.

Know that the length of time has nothing to do with the quality of that past relationship. Being together 20 years is not a sign that your ex is your soulmate and you were destined to be together.

It could simply be a sign that you made the wrong decision for a long time! You were together much longer than what was healthy for both of you and moving on is the best way to preserve all those life events that you did share with your ex.

4. Don’t focus on your ex’s strengths and good qualities.

They may seem like the world’s great husband or world’s greatest human today but it’s really unfair to overlook all the hardships and struggles of the past. You can paint them as the saint they weren’t or choose to remember them as the people they were. They had good qualities, bad qualities and qualities that were not a fit for you. Don’t stay fixed to their positive qualities.

5. Bring yourself to the present moment.

Know that you can live through grief, pain and uncertainty of the present moment.

Often, we like to take ourselves to the future so we don’t have to live in the present moment.

The present moment might contains grief and heartbreak. It can contain sadness and pain so you’d rather hold onto the future of hope of possibilities of tomorrow.

Bring yourself back to right now. You’ll get through this as hard as it may be. The more you let go of the false promises of the future and live for today, the easier it will become to move on from that past relationship.

6. They are not the ONLY one.

You might be holding on to them for dear life because you feel like you won’t find someone like that again. They are so good that you can’t risk finding someone lesser or finding no one at all.

This is another mind trick that makes you believe you’re not good enough. It creates scarcity for you and tells you that the only person who could possibly love you doesn’t want you anymore. It tells you that if not them, then no one. Your mind makes you believe that you only have one soulmate and they were it.

Contrary to the poets and writers of our time, you can have more than one soulmate in your life. There’s not just one person for you in this lifetime no matter what Hollywood says. You’re compatible with many people. You just have to do the hard work of meeting many people to find them.

It’s time to give up hope on getting your ex coming back and to put your hope in finding someone who’s compatible for you. To help you on this process and for ideas on finding a new partner, pick up my book, Does True Love Exist? 15 Simple Ideas for Finding Your Life Partner

If You Feel Like You’re Going to Be Alone Forever After a Breakup

The first and most common thought that strikes us after a life-shaking breakup is that you’re going to be alone the rest of your life.

You believe that because one person rejected you or one person ended the relationship with you, then everyone is going to have the same reaction to you.

You may feel like there’s something fundamentally flawed with you.

Your ex didn’t want you. Or you ex cheated on you. Or your ex didn’t want to continue the marriage with you.

Whatever happened in the past, you are putting too much emphasis on it.

I believed that because my marriage ended and our relationship ended, I would never be able to find someone again. I believed that I would be alone forever after the breakup.

I put so much emphasis and attention on my ex, believing she was the only person who could love me or complete me.

I’ve since realized that simply isn’t true but we believe it at the time of our breakup.

When our mind is preoccupied with rejection and self-sabotage, it tends to spiral into this place of sadness and negativity.

Here are five reminders if considering love after a breakup.

1. There are plenty of people out there for you.

You just believe that there’s no one out there or worse, all the good people are taken. They’re not.

You’re either not meeting enough people or you’re meeting people in the wrong places.

There are so many people out there from your neighbor to your people on your online apps.

It’s not the people on the other end that are missing.

You may not be trying very hard or at all.

You may have a pattern of chasing the wrong people who are not meant for you.

There are plenty of people out there who are suitable for you.

Your job is to get better at filtering and discernment to figure out who is right for you.

2. You attract who you are.

Instead of focusing all your time on dating and trying to meet the right person, consider the possibility that you might have some work to do.

Maybe you’re meeting all the right people but….

you’re pushing them away because you’re afraid of intimacy.

you run when you notice that someone is open, healthy and available.

you keep self-sabotaging so people will run away from you.

How about doing a little less work on finding the right person and a little more work on becoming the right person for your person?

3. Your beliefs affect your outcome

Just like everything else in life, the way you think about something affects the outcome.

If you truly believe there’s no one out there for you, there’s seriously something wrong with you and you will be alone the rest of your life, you are likely right.

If you believe that you had to go through the wrong relationships to find the right relationship, you are likely right as well.

You get to choose your thoughts and your outcomes. You get to choose your beliefs.

You have more power than you believe you do.

4. You can’t be found if you’re hiding.

If you’re not putting yourself out there and you’re not trying to found, you’re succeeding!

Your prince is not going to come looking for you in the woods.

Help him out a little and put up a smoke signal so you can be found.

If you think you’re putting yourself out there but still not being found, trust me, you’re not.

We all think we’re doing enough but simply uploading your photo on a dating app is hardly trying.

Like anything else we want in life, relationships take work and effort.

It takes other people knowing you exist.

5. Be happy first.

You believe you’re going to be happy when you find love.

Doubtful.

You’re likely going to be as happy as you are now so why not get happy now.

Don’t put your happiness into the hands of your future partner or your love life!

Cultivate your own happiness.

Be happy today.

Own your happiness.

It becomes much easier for love to find you when you’re in a happy place.

If you still feel like you’re going to be alone forever after your breakup, you have no choice but an encouraging read from yours truly. Pick up my book, Does True Love Exist? today.