by Neha Bindal | May 17, 2016 | adversity, Overcoming Challenges, Perspective
“Wisdom is nothing more than healed pain.” Robert Gary Lee
I opened my eyes in a hospital room in severe pain, not able to move, pipes in my nostrils and other parts of my body. There was a needle in my hand attached to a blood supply bottle.
When I was 6 years old, a stray dog had been chasing a bull down the road. The bull ran over me. I had been walking across the street towards a toy vendor when I heard a loud thumping. Everything in my head turned black.
I had to go through a major operation due to severe internal bleeding. The operation left a big scar on my stomach, I couldn’t play, laugh too loudly, run and dance like other kids, as it created pressure on my internal stitches.
My Indian family was always worried about who would marry me with that scar. I got fat and had a dusky complexion in my teenage years. I was insecure about how I looked. I lacked confidence. By the time I was sixteen, I came to believe that no man would ever love me and that I would be alone for the rest of my life.
Then I fell in love with the first man who showed me the least bit of attention. He was ten years older than I was, an alcoholic, and critical of me. He made my life miserable with his constant taunts and forced intimacy. He took advantage of my self-esteem issues and constantly threatened to leave me if I didn’t do as he said. I didn’t want to leave the only man I ever had (or, I believed, I ever could have), so I did as he asked until the time I started to feel ashamed of belittling myself so much.
The relationship lasted a couple of years until I came to the realization that it wasn’t worth it anymore. I left him and moved on. I focused on college and dedicated myself to my studies and building a career.
In the last year of my Masters, I met someone in class. He was sweet, charming, devilishly good looking, kind and, on top of everything, he treated me well. He made me laugh, he showed me respect and we found ourselves spending too much time together. For me, he was too good to be true, like a guy straight out of a romantic Bollywood movie who entered my life to take away all my pain and misery.
His presence made me feel better about myself and my life. I enjoyed the initial attention and love, but after a while it started to fade. He got busy with his new job and started pulling away from me. I was always insecure about losing him. For me, he was like a trophy that I could flaunt to prove my worth.
When I became too needy and dependent, he broke it off. In my mid-20’s, I found myself sulking, spending endless hours in my office bathroom crying, calling friends at odd hours to share how I felt and looking for ways to heal a broken heart.
I not only lost him; I lost myself, my purpose and my direction in life.
I lost interest in my work and poured my energy into the breakup. At that time, absolutely nothing made sense to me. I had nothing to look forward to in life. My heart and mind were always heavy and my eyes filled with tears.
I kept replaying the good times we had spent together, the images of romance and the future promises that we had made to each other. I constantly cursed myself for being so needy and for pushing him away. I thought about how my more “appropriate” behavior would have saved that relationship and how it was all my fault that it ended. After blaming myself, I started blaming my parents for bringing me up so critically. I started blaming my career for being so demanding. I blamed myself for being so vulnerable.
My demanding job made it difficult to deal with everything, so I quit that as a first step towards taking charge of my life. I had nothing more to lose, so I focused all my energy and attention on making life a little better than it was.
At one point, I decided to spend a day without using the internet. I wanted to find out what else I would do if I didn’t have WhatsApp, YouTube, Facebook, Instragram or any social media.
I pulled out a notebook and pen and started writing about how I felt at that time. I wrote about my past life and experiences. I wrote about how being treated critically had made me feel, I wrote about the accident and the impact it had on me. I didn’t realize that I had started crying, and soon my tears were falling on the notebook I was writing in.
I wiped my tears, kept crying and continued writing. Almost six hours passed, but my urge to write didn’t end. I had been sitting in a café since morning and now it was time to go home. As I closed my notebook and packed my stuff, I felt lighter and happier.
My pain has now become my biggest strength in life. Even after heartbreak and pain, I haven’t lost the soft and vulnerable person inside of myself. I just learnt how to deal with emotions in a better way.
Here are a few things I learnt through my painful experiences and how you can grow from your pain:
1) One person cannot complete or change your life.
Your romantic partner is just another addition to your life; don’t make him your life. Pay attention to your relationship, but have other interests and passions to look forward to.
2) It doesn’t matter what others think.
When I quit my job, my family cursed me for being so stupid. I heard their criticism, but stood strong in what I had done, regardless of what they thought about me. Their harsh comments didn’t bother me anymore. The first step to becoming independent is to stop seeking approval from others, especially the people you’re closest to. You can’t live your life according to what others want.
3) Let yourself fall and fail. Accept problems as they come.
Problems, pain and heartbreak are a part of life. It is okay to have them. It is OKAY to make the same mistake twice or even more, but it is not okay to feel miserable about it all the time. Forgive yourself and forgive others to move on.
4) Use pain to learn and grow.
I allowed myself to take chances, feel awful, cry and sulk, but I also understood how to work through the pain. I used every painful experience as a means to learn, grow and introspect. I never became dependent on any one and I didn’t need anyone to complete me, but at the same time I didn’t stop myself from falling in love again.
5) Work on your personal growth.
Have something bigger in life to look forward to. Live a purposeful life. Write your life goals on a piece of paper and stick them in a place where you can look at them throughout the day. Read self-help books, surround yourself with positive people and pay attention to your thoughts. Replace the negative thoughts with positive affirmations. Practice gratitude.
6) See pain as wisdom.
The biggest learning of my life through all these heartbreaks has been the change in perspective in the way I look at pain. I don’t see pain as a negative or unpleasant emotion anymore. I see it as my seeds of wisdom. I don’t feel like pain is holding me back; instead, it’s pushing me forward. You have a choice with respect to your experiences: you can embrace the amazing experiences that unfold, or you can cry over the painful experiences that will naturally come up.
I look back at my life and smile, grateful for being so brave and not feeling like a victim. I feel gratitude for my inner strength, which allows me to deal with pain the best way I know how.
This is the feeling of freedom and true independence. I now see myself as bigger than my problems: someone who is strong enough to navigate life rather than drift helplessly.
Neha is a short story author and novelist. She shares her life experiences through stories at her blog here. You can also email her at nehabindal 999 (at) gmail.com.
by Vishnu | Aug 22, 2015 | adversity, Optimism, Perspective
“Why is this happening to me?”
“Why me?”
“What did I do to deserve this?”
You’re a good person. You did all the right things. You played by the rules.
You are kind, generous, spiritual, giving and helpful. You have always tried to do the right thing. You’re one of the good guys.
So why is love playing such a cruel game with you?
Why does your life feel like complete chaos, as though it’s in shambles?
As you’re going through the pain of a divorce, the sorrow of heartbreak and the grief of a family torn apart, you’re likely asking yourself what went wrong. “Why is this happening to me?”
I certainly asked these questions as I went through my own separation and, ultimately, my divorce.
As you might imagine, I asked myself a lot of questions. Not only “Why is this happening to me?” but “Why is God punishing me?”
I was going through so much turmoil and heartache, I wondered if there was even a God. And if there was a God, was he listening to me? (Those questions, by the way, led me to write a book, titled, appropriately, Is God Listening. You can pick it up here.)
But today, I want to explore the question, “Why is this happening to me?”
If you’re going through heartbreak, divorce or separation, or if you find yourself in a court battle for your children, you’re likely asking this question.
If tears pain you, sleepless nights make you groggy and heartbreak makes you numb, consider the following thoughts as you ask yourself, “Why is this happening to me?”
1) Some questions have no answers.
Asking why something is happening to you is similar to asking why you were born in a certain country or to certain parents, or why someone got a certain disease or sickness.
Folklore, mythology, astrology and our parents want to find an answer, but not everything has an answer.
There may not be an answer, and even if there is one, it may not help you deal with the pain.
Resign yourself to the fact that there may not be an answer to this question and that this is okay.
Confront what life deals you. You don’t have control or the ability to influence what shows up in your life.
2) Choose a more empowering answer.
Let’s say that you still insist on getting an answer to this question.
You have many options in terms of how you can address it.
You can pick disempowering answers like we do in India – It’s your fate. It’s your karma. It’s your “time.” It’s your astrology. It’s your bad acts from a past life.
You can imagine that it’s because you did someone wrong or hurt someone in the past.
Or you can choose more helpful and empowering answers.
This is happening to you as a means of fostering spiritual growth.
Your breakup is happening so that you can set your ideal life into place.
Your divorce is happening to clear up the rubble in your life and to bring you to your soulmate.
You must get through this rough patch to achieve clarity, growth, insight, self-awareness and future happiness.
You are learning to embrace change and working on the art of surrender.
These life happenings are occurring to help you become the best version of yourself.
3) Which of your expectations are not being met?
Another activity is to question which of your life expectations are not being met because of your breakup.
You imagined your life a certain way and had certain expectations and outcomes that you, your family, your community and your culture shaped.
Everyone expected that you would do things a certain way and live a certain way.
Now that things are falling apart, life no longer seems in your control.
What is it you imagined for your life? What did you expect to have?
How is this current situation disappointing your expectations and desires?
Hopefully, you’ll come to see that it’s not the current situation itself that’s a problem in your life – it’s your unmet desires and expectations.
Not getting what you want – or, possibly, resisting the current situation – is the cause of your current pain.
4) How is this circumstance serving your highest purpose?
Instead of asking why this is happening to you, ask how this experience will transform your life and lead you to your highest purpose.
If you were put on earth for some reason, and I believe you were, how will this experience help you realize your highest potential?
I truly believe that heartbreak, divorce and struggles are setups for breakthroughs that help us find our purpose.
Your job now is not so much to survive the breakup, but to come through it as a new person and to discover what it is you’re here for.
5) How do you get through the intensity of your experience and the ups and downs of daily living?
Now is not the time to ask, “Why me?”
It’s time to figure out how to get through this roller coaster of a situation you’re in.
To come up with a strategy, an action plan and day-to-day activities that help you get out of bed and get through the day.
Time to separate your stuff, find a place to live and have some stability in your life.
Now is the time for legal paperwork and signing on the dotted line.
Time for self-care, healing and recovery.
6) Who do I need in my life for support and guidance during this time?
You don’t have your ex in your life, so you might feel like you have no one.
That sure was the way I felt when I was going through my divorce – like I didn’t want to share the weight of my problems with the people who loved me.
In my case, the people who loved me were not always very constructive in their help, so there’s that. They were trying to sabotage the divorce and were insisting on us staying together. While their intentions may have been good, the effect was harmful.
So, naturally, I kept away from them.
But there were others who would have easily supported and helped me during this time. I should have relied on them more.
I did have a counselor who offered help.
God certainly helped, and my faith became much stronger during this time.
As much as we like to think we’re action heroes, we’re not. We’ve been able to keep it together most of our lives, but during these difficult days, we need help, support, love and encouragement.
Reach out to the people in your life who can help you, support you and be there for you.
7) What choices are in my power? What control do I have in my life?
You might not be able to change the circumstances or anything that stems from those circumstances.
What is in your power is the way you react to what’s going on around you.
You can’t do anything about the fact that your husband left you for someone else. You can, however, get your house in order, work on your legal affairs and start transitioning to a life on your own. You can move toward a place where you’re emotionally and financially stable so that you can meet new people.
You know that famous Viktor Frankl quote? “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
This applies to your life now.
You have the tools, skills, abilities and life experience to handle the circumstances in front of you.
You might feel crushed and unmotivated by the gravity of the situation, but your resilient spirit will help you find a way out. You can put together a plan, take affirmative steps toward healing and get through this crisis!
You can’t get out of the place you’re currently in, but ask yourself: what can you do today that will help you improve the situation?
8) Who do I need to shine the light for? How is this situation preparing to be of service?
I want you to think about this as the storms rage in your life.
You’re going to come out of this experience and you’re going to come out of it stronger than you were when you went in.
Every lesson you’re learning, every battle you’re facing and every struggle you’re overcoming will serve a purpose.
Your life, your lessons and your resilience will be the guideposts and lights for someone else.
Keep this in the back of your mind.
You are currently a student of struggle, but one day you will be a teacher.
Your story might become a book, a blog, a movie, a play.
Your story might affect someone who hears it and becomes inspired.
Your story can be a reminder to your kids, who will recall what you went through and use the situation to keep them going when their own lives get difficult.
You never know who is going to experience inspiration, hope or empowerment because of the fact that you simply lived your life and survived your current situation.
During your darkest hour, you can continue grappling with that question – “Why is this happening to me?” – or you can ask yourself more empowering questions.
Think about who can support you, how you can survive and what you can do every day to get through your current circumstances.
At the same time, consider how this situation is serving your highest purpose and who you’ll be able to help by making it through.
Imagine, if you can, that this gargantuan life shake-up isn’t here to bring you down and ruin you, but to serve you and lift you higher.
Once you get through the storms, clear skies and sunshine await.
If you would like to learn more about the book I wrote, Is God Listening, click here.
*Photo credit Splitshire
by Vishnu | Dec 22, 2014 | Life Coaching, Personal Development, Perspective
“A shoe factory sends two marketing scouts to a region of Africa to study the prospects for expanding business. One sends back a telegram saying,
SITUATION HOPELESS STOP NO ONE WEARS SHOES
The other writes back triumphantly,
GLORIOUS BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY STOP THEY HAVE NO SHOES”
Anyone interested in shifting his or her perspective when facing challenges or in changing the framework through which he or she sees the world should pick up The Art of Possibility: Transforming Professional and Personal Life by Rosamund and Benjamin Zander.
The Zander duo consists of Ben, who is conductor of the Boston Philharmonic Orchestra, and Roz, a family therapist. The Zanders point out that if we draw a different frame around the same circumstances in our lives, we will see new possibilities and options.
“Find the right framework and extraordinary accomplishment becomes an everyday experience.”
The book offers 12 practices to help you shift your perspective and open new possibilities for your life. You may not be able to change the circumstances you’re facing but you can change how you deal with those situations.
Here are brief descriptions of 12 lessons from The Art of Possibility:
1. It’s all invented.
When you’re looking at a problem, all the assumptions you make about it are in your mind. The Zanders remind us that a problem is not simply a half-story you tell yourself, but rather something you make up entirely.
“The frames our minds create define – and confine – what we perceive to be possible. Every problem, every dilemma, every dead end we find ourselves facing in life, only appears unsolvable inside a particular frame or point of view.
Enlarge the box, or create another frame around the data, and problems vanish, while new opportunities appear.”
2. Stepping into a universe of possibility.
Imagine no limitations exist; the universe is abundant, open and infinite.
If you have an attitude of abundance instead of a mentality of scarcity, you’re more likely to find new business, new opportunities and new possibilities.
If you participate joyfully in tasks and projects, you’re more likely to be successful.
If you are inclusive and passionate in your life, you’re likely to see greater abundance.
The Zanders encourage you to step away from the world of measurements and scarcity. “In the measurement world,” they write, “you set a goal and strive for it. In the universe of possibility, you set the context and let life unfold.”
3. Giving an A.
“You can give an A to anyone in any walk of life – to a waitress, to your employer, to your mother-in-law, to the members of the opposite team and to the drivers in traffic,” the Zanders write.
For example, Ben Zander, as a conductor, found many of his students in a state of anxiety and stress over their performances. They wouldn’t take risks and feared failure. To combat this kind of energy and thinking, Ben gave every student in his class an A at the beginning of the course.
To retain this grade, each student had only to write a letter telling Mr. Zander, in as much detail as possible, what he or she had done to earn the A, and how the student had changed and grown by the end of the year. The student also had to describe to Mr. Zander the kind of person he or she had become.
An automatic and advance-graded A breaks barriers and enlivens a person’s actions. It lets him or her speak freely about his or her thoughts and feelings, and support others in their own dreams.
“The practice of giving an A transports your relationships from the world of measurement into the universe of possibilities,” the Zanders write.
“This A is not an expectation to live up to, but a possibility to live into.”
4. Being a contribution.
In this practice, you wake up every morning with the idea that you are a gift to others.
Contribution actually involves two practices: “1) declare yourself to be a contribution and 2) throw yourself into life as someone who makes a difference, accepting that you may not understand how or why.”
When you contribute, you forget about scarcity and dwell in the pond of abundance. You go from self-concern to making a difference for others.
Notice how the things you do help others. See and imagine how everything you do sends out ripples beyond the horizon.
5. Leading from any chair.
The conductor is not the only leader of an orchestra.
You can lead from any chair you’re sitting in. The act of leadership is not limited to people in leadership positions.
Anyone can lead – “the player who energizes the orchestra by communicating his newfound appreciation for the tasks of the conductor, or a parent who fashions in her own mind that her children desire to contribute, is exercising leadership of the most profound kind.”
How do you know if you’re fulfilling your role as a leader? You can look into the eyes of the players you’re leading in the orchestra or on the work team and ask yourself, “Who am I being that their eyes are not shining?”
As a leader, you “can invite information and expression. [You] can speak to their passion. [You] can look for an opportunity to hand them the baton.”
It doesn’t matter who you are and where you sit; you can inspire and lead others from anywhere – even without a title or position.
6. Rule Number 6.
The Zanders relate a joke in which two prime ministers converse about Rule Number 6. When one prime minister hears the continued reference to “Rule Number 6,” he turns and asks the other, “Would you be willing to share with me the secret of Rule Number 6?” The other responds, “Rule Number 6 is ‘Don’t take yourself so goddamn seriously.’”
Rule Number 6 is a reminder to lighten up and not take yourself so seriously!
When you lighten up, you release yourself from egoistic and self-limiting beliefs.
“When we follow Rule number 6 and lighten up over our childish demands and entitlements, we are instantly transported into a remarkable universe. The new universe is cooperative in nature, and pulls for the realization of all our cooperative desires.”
7. The way things are.
This involves acceptance of what is, as well as presence and making the best of any situation.
When you’re present and not resisting the current situation, you are free to turn to the question, “What do we want to do from here?”
“…the capacity to be present to everything that is happening, without resistance, creates possibility. It creates possibility in the same way that, if you are far-sighted, finding your glasses revives your ability to read or remove a splinter from a child’s finger. At last you can see. You can leave behind the struggle to come to terms with what is in front of you, and move on.”
When you accept that things are the way they are, instead of complaining and resisting, you’re in a position to make the best of the situation. You’re allowed visions, dreams and appreciation for your current place. You’re more open to finding solutions or to making the best of the situation in your mind.
Being present with the present lets options and dreams come alive.
You’ll live in a place of freedom and possibilities when you’re comfortable with this moment.
8. Giving way to passion.
To give way to passion, “participate wholly. Allow yourself to be a channel to shape the stream of passion into a new expression for the world.”
Life has made many of us conformers, and has given us structure and limitations. Urban life highlights our rigidness and lack of vitality.
Your life will change when you “transcend the barriers of personal survival and become a unique conduit for its vital energy.”
Access the electric socket of passion, energy and possibility in your life.
Participate, engage and immerse yourself in your passions.
9. Lighting a spark.
This practice talks about inspiring others to pursue passion. It’s about spreading passion and lighting possibilities in the eyes and lives of others.
Imagine that others want to feel the same spark and electric sense of possibility that you feel. Be available and invite others who are ready to catch their spark and live their dreams.
The Zanders describe this idea as playing together in a field of light. The steps include being ready to participate, being willing to be moved and inspired and offering that which lights you up. Also, know that others are willing and eager to catch the spark.
When others say “no” to your idea or passion, they might be saying simply that they don’t see the same possibility you do.
Inspire others and share with them the very things that light you up.
Encourage and motivate others who are ready to join you.
10. Being the board.
Declare, “I am the framework for everything that happens in my life.”
As Roz mentions to Ben in a particular situation in this chapter, “You can always grace yourself with responsibility for anything that happens in your life. You can always find within yourself the source of any problem you have.”
This practice isn’t about blaming yourself or feeling at fault for your circumstances. It is about exploring the assumptions you make about what’s happening in your life and, ultimately, taking responsibility for them.
When you’re “being the board,” so to speak, you question your assumptions, determine how your perspective or outlook led to the situation at hand and take responsibility for how you got there.
You’re not looking to place blame elsewhere or on others. You are doing the constructive work of understanding how you got to where you are – and without blaming yourself, either.
“Gracing yourself with responsibility for everything that happens in your life leaves your spirit whole, and leaves you free to choose again.”
11. Creating frameworks for possibility.
The practice in this chapter involves creating frameworks that cultivate possibility.
The Zanders suggest the following: “Make a new distinction in the realm of possibility: one that is a powerful substitute for the current framework of meaning that is generating the downward spiral.”
Don’t go with the flow toward an idea or concept that’s spiraling downward to the abyss.
Come up with bold, visionary missions and ideas that stand confidently in the world.
Find the courage and boldness to stand with your ideas and to face the direction where you’d like to lead people.
Look at the magical powers you have. Become more conscious of the way you use words, and define new frameworks of possibilities. Stand out and advocate for your bold ideas. Bring out the part in your audience that is the most contributory, most free and most open to participation.
12. Telling the “we” story.
Can you move on from the story of “you and me” and “us and them,” and get to “we”?
Can you go from a place of division, conflict and hostility to a place of enthusiasm and togetherness? A place of friendship and cooperation?
The Zanders write, “The WE appears when, for the moment, we set aside the story of fear, competition, and struggle, and tell its story.”
Ask: “‘What do WE want to have happen here?’
‘What’s best for US?’ – all of each of us, and all of all of us.
What’s OUR next step?”
Permit the barriers that separate us to dissolve and act from a place where all of us benefit, together.
All of us can find solutions that work for everyone. This involves taking the individual “I’s” and meshing them into a powerful, collective “we.” This is something we can practice from any chair, on any day, in any room or any environment.
“The practice of the WE draws on all the other practices. And if you attune your ear, you will hear the voice of the We singing through each one of them in harmony.”
While I’ve tried to explain the many practices the book outlines, pick up a copy of The Art of Possibility to understand the examples and the reasoning behind each of the practices I’ve described.
If you’re ready to open your mind to new ways of thinking and to an abundance of possibilities that make all your dreams come true, this transformational book is a must read.
by Vishnu | Nov 2, 2014 | Love and Relationships, Perspective, Vulnerability
“Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.”—Maya Angelou
Your wedding day is filled with hope, dreams and unbounded expectations of happiness and joy.
And if you’re Indian, it’s filled with over-the-top ritualistic exercises that remind you that marriage is a soulful (permanent) union to last the rest of your life (and maybe even a few lives after). Your ceremony symbolizes the planets aligning, families joining and even ancestors waking from the dead to celebrate your coming together.
The flower garlands you place around each other’s necks sing with angelic praise, blessing your future life together. The fire ceremony calls for divine intervention and blessings. Every step around the fire confirms your unending loyalty, commitment and sacred vow to stick together throughout this glorious ride.
So you can imagine how separation and divorce go over in a marriage (and culture) like this.
(Stop the music!)
Not very well.
When the flower petals lose their fragrance, the gold stops glittering and the whispers of sweet nothings turn first into bitterness and then silence, thousands of thoughts enter your mind.
Is there something wrong with me?
Am I good enough?
Am I attractive enough? Kind enough? Nice enough? Loving enough?
Am I broken? Unfixable? Unlovable?
Following my divorce, so many thoughts ran through my mind and have continued to occupy my thoughts and my life for the past three years.
These are thoughts you experience while going through the most profound and deep-rooted pain. When the world as you know it shakes you up violently and your heart shatters into a million sharp-edged pieces.
If you’ve gone through a divorce or are going through a breakup now, you can’t imagine better days ahead. You’re in a place of darkness and hopelessness. You think it’s never going to get any better.
You can’t get out of bed.
You can’t think about anything but the pain and sadness you’re experiencing.
You think you can’t trust anyone ever again.
A divorce sadder than a melodramatic Bollywood movie and Jennifer Aniston’s love life.
When my heart was broken after my divorce, I wallowed in sorrow, marinated in self-pity and basked in sadness.
The person whom I had counted on being there for the rest of my life was no longer in it. The person whom I had envisioned all my dreams with and whom I had planned my future with was out of the picture.
The exchange of wedding vows and flower garlands and the tying of the knot (a sacred golden necklace that we call a thali) replay in my mind.
Rituals and traditions that had so much meaning suddenly become meaningless.
When something so tumultuous occurs in your life, you hope you’re in a nightmare and will awaken soon.
But then you realize that you are awake and that everything happening in your life is real: the heartbreak, pain and loss.
As you grieve, you try to find ways to believe again. To become vulnerable again. To trust again. To open yourself to another relationship in your life.
And you know what? It’s damn hard.
It’s hard to put yourself out there, even though the possible pleasure far outweighs the pain you’ve experienced.
You won’t be as excited about that game of laser tag after you’ve served a couple years of military duty with the 2nd battalion in Afghanistan.
And you’ll certainly stay out of the Florida swamplands if Gretchen the alligator once took a bite out of your ankle.
It’s safer to write off the world and sit with cynicism.
It’s drier under the umbrella of pain than it is frolicking in the cloudy weather where violent storms await.
But you can go forward and walk away from that umbrella.
Why? Because maybe, just maybe, there’s not a violent downpour out there.
Maybe there’s sunshine out there.
There’s love out there.
There’s healing out there…
…and there’s wholeness out there.
Are you willing to step out and learn to trust again after heartbreak and pain? Are you willing to let someone else, someone new, into your life after your divorce?
Here are tips on healing a bruised and broken heart: 9 ways to trust again in your next relationship.
1. You’ve acquired experience; some call it wisdom.
You can’t pay for wisdom but you can acquire it through your life experiences. A broken trust and a broken relationship can be great sources of learning and reflection.
You now know that people can be untrustworthy, that everything they say is not true and that their actions might not reflect their intentions.
You know what to look for and you know the warning signs in a relationship.
Hopefully, you have a better idea of what trust looks like and you’re better able to recognize trustworthy people in your life.
You might not have asked for it, but you’ve received a priceless and lifelong lesson about trust that you can now use in every aspect of your life.
2. Learn to have healthy expectations.
No one gets married thinking they’re going to get divorced.
No one goes to their stockbroker thinking they are going to lose money.
And certainly no one goes on a trip around the world thinking they are going to get SARS!
But life happens. Just because we don’t see it coming or can’t imagine it happening doesn’t mean that life won’t get rocky at times.
If you were jaded and idealistic before, you’re welcome! Life’s woken you up to realize that people change, circumstances change and relationships change.
You’re learning that changes happen, even the most unwelcome ones. You can now live life expecting change, which means you’ll experience less shock and despair in the future.
You’ll not only learn to survive the winds of change, you’ll be able to successfully navigate your sailboat for the rest of your life.
Also, you’ll set healthier expectations. Things don’t necessarily happen the way you want them to. The more you want things to go a certain way in a relationship, the more disappointment you’ll face if you don’t get it.
In terms of my own experience, I didn’t reach the point of “no expectations,” but now I’m more realistic about what can happen: the good, the bad and the unpredictable. All circumstances are possible.
3. People might break your trust and it has nothing to do with you.
“How could he?” or “How dare he?”
You immediately think that when someone does something hurtful or harmful, he or she has it out for you.
Maybe. Or maybe not.
Others are going through their own journeys in life. They are at different places than your own. They change. They have different perspectives. They are on their own paths toward healing and growth.
Theirs just might not coincide with yours.
They’re human. They might have made mistakes.
They might not have known what they were doing.
They might not realize until later what a good thing they had going.
The point is, the way they hurt you or broke your heart may have nothing to do with you. It’s very likely that it has to do with them. In this case, “it really isn’t you, it’s me.”
If you don’t feel as though your ex was intentionally sabotaging you, you’re less likely to take everything he or she did as a vendetta against you. You’re less likely to feel the sting of your ex’s wrongdoing. Less likely to see yourself as a victim.
4. Learn to trust yourself. Listen to your intuition.
You’ve been learning about trust from your partner, but how about learning to trust yourself?
Go with your gut feelings and be more open to your internal voice. That’s your intuition speaking, but we hardly pay it any attention.
The more in tune you are with your intuition and your inner voice, the smarter decisions you’ll make about people. And the smarter you’ll get about trusting others.
Create more silence or complete a mindfulness practice to tap into your intuition. When you have too much internal noise, you’ll have a hard time tuning in and listening to your deepest, most sacred voice.
5. Know that heartbreak breaks you open to trust more genuinely.
You’re probably thinking that your separation or divorce is the hardest thing that has happened to you—and you’re probably right.
The pain and suffering that comes with heartbreak and divorce is brutal, but it is life changing as well.
When you’re broken open, you’re ready for your life’s greatest breakthrough.
Through the pain, suffering and broken dreams, you’ll find yourself. The masks that we all wear, as well as all the other BS, drop away so that we see ourselves as we really are.
From this more authentic place, you’re able to see the superficiality around you and the games people play.
When you’re coming from a place of authenticity and truth, you can connect more freely with others and have a better sense of whom to trust.
6. Think of people you trust and how you have many trustworthy people in your life.
Sometimes our recent experiences cultivate false beliefs.
You might think that just because your relationship ended, everyone else will try to end their relationship with you.
Or you might believe that everyone is a heartbreaker. Or that trusting others is simply setting yourself up for failure and disappointment.
But for every false belief you have, you likely can look around and find contrary beliefs and examples.
If you look around in your life, you likely have a group of trustworthy and supportive people surrounding you.
And if you look at your past relationships and experiences, you’re likely to think of many trustworthy people who have crossed your path in life. Don’t permit one life event to color your view of the world.
Leave disempowering beliefs behind. Know that there are trustworthy people out there and keep those people close to you to remind yourself that a trusting relationship is possible.
7. Your past experiences don’t have to repeat.
Just because you experienced and ended your last relationship with pain doesn’t mean you’ll see more of that in the future.
Your past does not have to repeat.
You’re smarter now, you’re wiser now and you’ve at least learned what kinds of people not to trust.
You’re more familiar with untrustworthy behavior and know the kinds of people who will let you down.
When you have more insight about yourself and other people, you make smarter decisions about trust.
8. Take small steps of courage to open up to trust again.
If you’re ready to trust again, start by forgiving the people who hurt you. Release them from your life by forgiving them, no matter how badly they let you down or broke your heart.
Start trusting people by their actions and not by their words.
See how people respond to small commitments.
Does he say what he’s going to do? Show up when he says he will?
Does he keep his promises to you?
Does he flake on dinner with a last-minute text? Does he disappear to the bathroom when the check shows after dinner?
Pay attention to red flags.
Build relationships over time and see if the person you’re dating keeps up with small commitments. Don’t jump in like you did the first time.
Send the charmers, the smooth talkers, the big promisers and the showmen on their way.
9. You’re now able to make room for a more trustworthy relationship.
Now that you’re divorced, you’re single again and have more time and space to invite a new relationship into your life.
You can evaluate each person whom you invite into your life, testing his or her trustworthiness. You can be more selective.
You can better listen to yourself. You’re more knowledgeable about what to look for. You’re a survivor of relationships that lacked trust.
You’re ready for a person who’s going to commit, a person who’s going to stay. You’re ready for the one.
“Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness,” Eckhart Tolle has said. “How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you’re having at the moment.”
Your journey has brought you to this place today, where you’re more ready than ever for a happy and healthy relationship.
If you enjoyed this post, please share it with your friends via Facebook, Twitter or Google+ Thank you for sharing. *Photo credit amrufm
by Vishnu | Aug 26, 2014 | Authenticity, Change, Inspiration, Optimism, Perspective
I don't do songs. Or Karaoke.
“A bird doesn’t sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.” Maya Angelou
I wanted to have a baby.
I don’t mean me personally, but you get it – to father a child (Modern medicine hasn’t quite allowed men to carry another human yet!!).
At one time in my life, not too long ago, the desire to have a baby was a life priority for me. And not having a child was a serious loss in my life. I can’t tell you why I wanted one or if I was ready to have been a father, but it seemed like the right thing to do.
After not having a child in my life, I was fraught with disappointment and sadness.
My marriage ended. There was no baby in sight. This image of a laughing child in my dreams became blurrier and more distant than ever.
I could have been devastated by a dream lost but I have chosen to follow a different path.
Believing that everything happens for a reason, I let go of my attachment to this unborn child.
I let go of my desire to have a child.
I let go of my timeline to have a child.
And most importantly, I let go of my desire to know if a child was in my future or not (the demands, expectations and urge to know and make plans).
Over the last couple of years, I’ve gone through this arduous personal development journey, many parts of which I write about, realizing that I may not have been the ideal father in the first place, or much less a prepared one or even a competent one.
If I wasn’t emotionally healthy myself, nor had the patience or ability to care for a baby, was I really ready to be a parent?
A baby then would have been ill-served having me as their father.
Since the time that the possibility of a baby abruptly disappeared from my life, I chose to forge ahead without knowing what the future holds.
Instead of being stuck to a specific timeline over something I have no control over, I spent a lot of time with my adorable baby nephews and try to visit them at every chance I get.
My nephew and I.
Not knowing my future brought me to where I am today.
I’ve had similar experiences with my career path.
I had NO IDEA what I wanted to do with my life in college. Like many students, I didn’t have the answers to what my future held or what I should be doing with my life.
I never received any clear calls from the Gods as to my life vocation. (But my Indian parents did call me a lot to let me know about the benefits of becoming a doctor – service to humanity and beach-front property!)
What do you do when you don’t know what the future holds?
Well, I did something that I was weak at and wanted to improve on. Public speaking. Although I enjoyed writing speeches and speaking in public, it wasn’t my strongest point. I spoke too fast, sometimes too slow and I never understood the mechanics of effective public speaking.
Near campus, I joined a Toastmasters group which was dedicated to helping people improve their public speaking skills. I participated in this professional group for 3 years, being the only student in the group.
I never knew exactly where public speaking would take me the entire time I was in Toastmasters.
It was only when I was nearing graduation, when having the public speaking skills and confidence inspired me to consider going into law (That and my parents who had sadly come to terms with the fact that I wasn’t going to be a doctor).
Ultimately, law was not a career I stuck with. On the plus side though, my legal background has brought me to a place where I am able to speak in front of large groups of people. Whether it’s at a community meeting, workshop or even a family get-together, I have no hesitation when standing up to speak.
My point is that I had no idea what I wanted to do but I forged ahead anyway, without knowing the answers.
Doing something that interested me and helped me improve, like public speaking, is now an integral part of my destiny.
How do you move forward when you don’t know how or when you’ll get there?
How do you create the life that you’ve been envisioning and the life your heart seems to be longing for?
When you feel like your whole life has turned upside down and you’re a long way from living the dreams you created in your mind years ago, it’s easy to feel paralyzed.
When you feel frustrated by your life’s current circumstances or just plain stuck, you might feel like throwing your hands up in the air and saying, “I give up”.
Your career isn’t moving along. You have no idea where your business is going. Your partner isn’t showing up. The baby you’ve bought baby clothes for isn’t quite here yet.
I notice that many of us tend to clutch to our end goals. When we cling on to the desired outcome, we are left with the feeling of not having achieved it. We feel a lacking in our lives.
But fortunately, you don’t have to be paralyzed by the thoughts of not achieving your dreams. Nor do you have to feel frustrated by the lack of movement in your life.
Instead of being stuck on the fact that you don’t have what you want, try this.
1. Be OK with not knowing.
Be perfectly comfortable in not knowing the answers or having clarity in your life.
Let waves of uncertainty and confusion wash over you without attaching yourself to the frustration of not knowing.
Practice sitting with uncertainty. Learn to be comfortable not knowing the answers of where your journey is going to take you.
2. Do something. Anything at all.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step,” declared Chinese philosopher, Lao Tzu.
Whatever your dream or desire is, take some small steps daily towards that goal without being paralyzed by or fixated on the end result.
Meet people if you want to be in a relationship. You don’t need to meet “the one” today.
Look for a compatible partner who also wants children if you’re firmly set on having kids.
Start learning new skills, attending more training, do some volunteer work or freelancing if you are keen on transitioning into a completely different industry.
Take small concrete steps towards your goal.
Bombay wasn’t built in a day. It was built one brick at a time, over centuries.
3. Listen intently.
As you’re taking small steps and moving forward, listen to your soul’s messages. Your feelings and your inner voice will be conveying messages to you.
You’ll hear these messages through your mind’s subtle messages, repeated internal thoughts or feelings that will guide you in a certain direction.
The inner voice, or intuition, will sometimes tell you to continue. Or it may tell you to stop. Alternatively, it may advise you to change your game plan. Or to perhaps even to abandon your dream.
It might convince you that something that you’re chasing isn’t right for you and you’ll be better off with something else.
Whatever it is, be mindful of your inner voice and be willing to listen to it.
4. Be open to life’s gifts and timelines.
No, you may not get exactly what you want and at the time you want it.
Instead of demanding a certain result at a certain time, be open to whatever it is that unfolds before you.
If Prince Harry doesn’t knock, but a short banker with a stable job and a loyal spirit does, open the door!
If your dream job working for Facebook doesn’t materialize, consider the job at the small start-up as an opportunity to learn and grow.
Be open, be patient, and be confident knowing what is meant for you will come to you in due course.
5. Every circumstance is a lesson in disguise.
Although you’re not getting what you want right now, know that every situation has a message for us.
Every life circumstance can become our teacher.
If you start viewing every twist, turn and hiccup as an opportunity and lesson, instead of an unfulfilled dream, you’ll have a much healthier and happier journey forward.
Ask yourself what a delay means?
Or what can it teach you?
Where is the blessing in this circumstance?
What can you be grateful for right now?
There is a soulful tranquility about not knowing what the future holds and simply being OK with it.
Embrace uncertainty and welcome the magic of possibilities unfolding in your life.
Your ability to manage the unknown can be the ultimate source of your strength and wisdom in life.
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Photo credit roberthuffstutter and Splitshire
by Vishnu | Jan 12, 2014 | Gratitude, Health, Inspiration, Overcoming Challenges, Perspective
My friend and hero, Marina.
My doctor tried to soften the blow of the bad news by telling me that I caught it early.
Then I heard the words that would terrify and frighten anyone.
The diagnosis: breast cancer.
Imagine receiving this news just 3 weeks after your dad had passed away.
I decided not to tell my mom about my diagnosis right away because she was in a vulnerable place, already having lost her life partner. I also wanted to have all the answers to any questions my Mom would have before I told her about the diagnosis.
After some tests were done, I sighed a little with relief when I discovered that the breast cancer was at Stage 1 and was the size of a small coin.
Although the doctor tried to assuage my fears by confidently telling me my life wasn’t in danger, the next year was not an easy one.
My doctor told me I needed to have a mastectomy (breast removal surgery) rather than a lumpectomy (breast-conserving surgery). I’m glad that decision was made for me and I didn’t have to make it myself.
My cancer journey began with surgery, followed up by chemotherapy starting approximately 2 months after my surgery.
The doctor explained that I needed additional chemotherapy because I was very young. Women are more likely to be diagnosed with breast cancer later in life (with the highest percentage of women being diagnosed in their 60s and 70s).
Statistically speaking, I still had a long life ahead of me, which meant I had a longer period of time in which the cancer could return. So chemo was supposed to reduce that chance of reoccurrence as much as possible.
I was the youngest patient in the room receiving chemo treatment, so I imagined I could handle it.
Unfortunately, I was wrong.
Chemo kicked. My. Butt.
Within 24 hours of my first round of a chemo session, my stomach and back were throbbing with pain.
I had no appetite and felt exhausted.
Within 48 hours, I had blurry vision and was getting hot flashes. Within 72 hours, all of my joints ached and I felt like a 90-year-old woman, and I had difficulty processing thoughts. It felt like everything was happening in slow motion.
Losing my hair.
But with all of those unpleasant side effects, what I feared most was the day my hair would start falling out.
My doctor informed me it would take about 2 weeks for my hair to start falling out, so I waited anxiously.
I remember the first huge clump of hair falling out, enough to fill my entire fist. If I had been in denial up to that point, it stopped that day. I really was sick.
I decided to shave my head rather than waiting for the rest of my hair to fall out. It was the only thing I could do to gain back some of the control I had lost.
I recalled so many times in the past where I complained about having a bad hair day. It seemed so trivial now as I was looking at myself in the mirror with barely any hair.
Healing my body. Changing my outlook.
My chemotherapy sessions, treatment and healing continued over the next year.
Eventually my hair grew back, the stomach pains subsided, and I got my energy back. Physically, I was starting to look like the old me.
But the inside is where I experienced the most unexpected changes and growth.
I was different. Some people say that getting cancer didn’t change them. Well, that wasn’t the case for me.
Cancer changed me. And not in a bad way either.
Cancer opened my eyes.
It taught me the importance of gratitude.
When I started feeling physically better, I started appreciating the simple things in life.
Meals, phone calls to friends, going for a walk … all of these things have more meaning than they did before.
It’s amazing how being grateful started a chain reaction with regards to other aspects of my life.
I smile more, gossip less, and I’ve become more active and adventurous in life.
When you get a glimpse of how fragile and painful life can be, you begin to appreciate and embrace it a lot more.
Besides being more grateful, I have also learned to be more “selfish”.
Okay, it’s not really being selfish as much as I am now more aware of what I want, and I don’t ignore those feelings.
It’s surprising what I used to do out of obligation or guilt to the point where it caused me stress.
For example, I maintained friendships that weren’t healthy. That’s no longer the case. If I don’t want to do something, I don’t do it. I say “no” more often.
Unfortunately, I do not have any tips on how to reach this peace that I have found. There’s no 10-step process that I can recite.
All I know is that I don’t think I could have gained this understanding without being fully stripped down, and that’s the irony.
Am I glad that I got cancer? No.
Did I get something beautiful out of this that I wouldn’t have discovered any other way? I think so.
I went through a lot of obstacles that year, but through it all, I have learned to love my life, appreciate the small things and value myself more than ever.
Oh, and I do have a little advice – be wary of who you sit next to on the first day of class. For example, you could start your first day of law school sitting next to someone named “Vishnu” and be pestered into writing a blog post for him ten years later.
Marina is not a blogger and never could have imagined herself sharing such a personal essay. (Thank you for your inspiration and courage, Marina 🙂 )
Have you survived a horrific illness or health problem? What were some of the lessons your injury, illness or disease taught you? Please share in the comments section below.
