Clover Lam is an inspirational woman who is living an unconventional life. She is leading the way in challenging cultural norms and societal expectations. Clover started a worldwide movement to help people live more authentic and honest lives.
She has also gone through a divorce herself and was open to doing a live coaching session on letting go of her marriage. Watch the above video to see how our coaching session went and what came out of it.
To learn more about Clover, check out her website at Simply Clover Living. Many thanks Clover for doing this live coaching call and thank you for all the work you’re doing to help people lead their own path and live unconventional lives.
To watch the video of this coaching call in full, visit the coaching call link here.
Are you blaming yourself for your past relationship ending? Do you feel like you are the on that’s solely at fault? Do you feel like you were the one who sabotaged it and led to it ending?
If you’re feeling terrible about the past relationship ending and can’t stop blaming yourself, watch this above video for some guidance and insight on moving forward. You don’t have to carry the heavy burden of blame for your past relationship ending.
All of the advice about moving on from breakups and divorces is wrong. It’s so frustrating because all it does is keep you stuck in the past.
So many people say cliched things like things will get better, it’s all happening for the best or time will heal all wounds.
Most people just sit there and do nothing! They just wait for time to pass. Or worse, they go on and live their normal life. Start dating again and live their best life.
So they go back to their regularly scheduled life and try to live it as normal as possible only to find that it’s hard. Meeting someone and moving on with their life is challenging if you’re still stuck in the past.
You can try it but you won’t be showing up fully. You won’t show up with an open heart. You’ll be showing up with one foot in the past and one foot in the present.
Making peace with the past
The one thing that people miss in the letting go process is making peace with the past. I love Eckhart Tolle and all the wisdom teachers out there who are beating the drum of present moment living.
Yes, ideally, if you stopped thinking about the past and lived in the present, then you wouldn’t be pulled back by you past. You wouldn’t feel the heavy emotional weight and baggage of the past. You wouldn’t ruminate on the past.
Except if you’re like me, you’re human! I simply couldn’t bring myself to the present moment when I had so many thoughts and memories of my ex. I wanted to continue the life that we had planned together. I wanted to pursue the dreams. All the memories and dreams we had, I didn’t want to let go of.
My mind couldn’t stop re-thinking, re-playing and re-living all the past memories of my relationship. The past is a powerful drug that is hard to let go. Your mind is addicted to what you once had because of the certainty, the pleasure and the comfort of past times.
A middle way to letting go
Unlike what the wisdom teachers tell us, I don’t believe you simply can live in the present moment. You have to do some work on making peace with the past.
I’m also not a fan of traditional psychology and therapy when it comes to dealing with the past in relationships. Psychologists bring up a whole other can of worms. When I started visiting one, I went all the way back to my childhood and family history. She started opening up all kinds of boxes I had no interest in opening.
It blew my whole life open and I went into a tailspin with my life feeling completely out of control. I’m ultimately grateful for this experience but I wish I could have just worked on letting go of my ex.
Today, when I work with people, I take the middle way. I help them make peace with the past by using the tools of forgiveness, creating a healing ritual and working on closure of past events. I also help them tell a new and more empowering story about that past relationship.
I detail the process in my free ebook, 7 healing rituals. Sign up to the newsletter and you’ll automatically get this guide.
The root of what’s keeping you stuck
If you’re enlightened, you’re probably not reading this blog and you’re doing just fine living in the present moment.
If you’re human, then you likely need to make peace with the past in order to live in the present moment. The past holds keys as to what’s keeping you stuck. You have to carefully examine the relationship and the story you’re telling yourself and dig out the elements of your past that are keeping you stuck there.
If it’s been years and you don’t know what to do, please consider looking at the past to see what’s still causing you grief, what’s still unresolved and what you need to make peace with.
To let go completely:
- Inquire what in the past is unresolved and keeping you stuck
- Bring it to light and commit to exploring and understanding it
- Work on healing that one root block that’s keeping you stuck in the past.
If you haven’t done this or hadn’t planned to, please consider hiring a coach to help you figure out what’s keeping you stuck and then help you move forward and actively let go.
It was only when I went into the past and examined the problems in my relationship with my ex, I began to notice the open wounds that required care and healing.
I did the care and healing in the present so that I could repair the damages of the past. You can’t fix things by going back to the past but you can fix them here and now.
Examine and understand the past but do the healing and letting go work in the present. You can live in the present moment but actively work on healing the painful past moments of your life. If you don’t go back and discover what needs to be healed, it will be challenging to live in the present moment.
To live fully in the present, make peace with the past.
If you need coaching to figure out what’s keeping you stuck in the past, please consider a root ritual coaching session here or reply to this email.
I was a hermit for years of my life as I struggled to make peace with letting go of my ex.
I wasn’t one of these people who said live and let live after my divorce was over. I was going to hold onto that relationship to the bitter end of time while my ex moved on with her life, started dating, and got married within a few years.
I wanted to ruminate endlessly, re-live the pain, and beat myself up for all the things that I had done to screw up that relationship. I wanted to suffer and criticize myself for all of my misdeeds. I wanted to punish myself for every single thing that I had done wrong.
When you’re not letting go of your ex, you see yourself as a criminal and perpetrator and see your ex as an innocent bystander and victim. I did all the misdeeds, and she was perfect, or so my mind thought. It never considered that she might have been as much at fault as I was in the relationship. My mind didn’t entertain the possibility she contributed half to what went wrong.
The comfort of not letting go
I didn’t intentionally plan on living in the past for years of my life. I was looking for answers and trying to find a way to let go completely. It took me years to do this, and I tried coaching, spirituality, personal development, church, and so many other kinds of practices. Some of these worked, and some didn’t.
Yet I think the thing that was keeping me stuck for a long time was that deep down; I didn’t want to let go at all.
Huh? You may be scratching your head. Why not?
It’s going to be odd for me to say this, but I didn’t’ want to let go because if I let go, I would have to start on a new life, and that was scary as hell.
I wanted to be protected by the past. I didn’t want to venture out into new relationships. I didn’t want to be vulnerable again. I didn’t want to date again or meet new people again. I didn’t want a new life because the old one felt so comfortable.
Do I regret this decision? Absolutely! I wasted years of my life when I could have just moved on, found a new partner, and enjoyed the next few years of my life post-divorce.
Instead, I stayed home and out of having a social life to mourn and cry for a lost and broken love. I suffered, grieved, struggled. I took Eat, Pray, Love adventures, found myself in spiritual retreats, and went all over the world looking for ways to let go of my past.
Maybe a part of me was punishing myself for my misbehavior in the relationship too. I didn’t feel worthy or deserving of getting my life back. So, I stayed stuck in the past, ruminating about the pain and sadness of that old relationship.
You’re here for a reason.
If you’re reading this and having trouble letting go of your past relationship or letting go of your ex, consider if you’re not letting go because it’s much more comfortable to remain in the throws of your past relationship.
If you’re stuck in heartbreak and loss, you don’t have to go out. You don’t have to date. You don’t have to learn how to date. You don’t have to ever open a dating app account. You don’t have to move forward. You don’t have to open your heart again. You can stay stuck and comfortable for years. Forever maybe.
You can stay stuck in the past, marinating about what had gone wrong. You can blame your ex, blame yourself, and blame everyone else in between. You can analyze, criticize, and examine every part of your life in the past.
It may not feel great to rehash your life, but it sure the heck beats venturing out and starting a new life.
Except if you’re here on this blog, then you know that you’re not trying to stay stuck and angry with what happened. You’re trying to get out. You’re trying to break free of the past and get your life back.
Yes, if you’re reading this, no matter how much your desire to keep your heart closed and remain comfortable, I am assuring you that you want to let go. You want the life that’s available for you. You don’t want the pain that comes with it.
A plan to let go
You’re also not letting go of your ex. What do you to let go? If I was to simplify the process, here are 4 things that you must do for letting go of your ex:
- Grieve the relationship, process your emotions and find closure for the past
- Get to the root issue that’s keeping you stuck and work on healing it
- Release the self-blame and guilt that you may be carrying around from the past
- Rebuild your self-worth and have a life plan going forward.
You can keep reading blogs on heartbreak and grieving, but if you don’t do the work, you’re going to be here forever. I would love your friendship, but I love you more, so I want you to stop reading and get on with your life.
I want you to have a happily ever after, and I know that you want that too. You don’t have to find that in another love, but you can fall in love with your life.
Life is short. The pandemic is long. Don’t wait for the pandemic to pass. Don’t wait for another year of your life to go by. Work on letting go now.
I want to help you if I can. Let’s do the work. My first coaching session with people usually involves identifying the root of what’s keeping them stuck in the past. After the root ritual, we work on finding healing, closure, and acceptance that the relationship is over.
It’s time to stop reading about letting go and actually let go once and for all. Your future will thank you for it.
If my words have resonated with you and you’re ready to get your life back, please reply to this email or sign up for coaching here.
Hi, I’m Vishnu
I’m a writer and coach who helps people overcome devastating breakups and divorces. Instead of moving to the Himalayas, people find healing, clarity, and direction here. Learn more about me here.
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