The One Person Who Must Accept You

Wouldn’t it be easier if it was other people’s responsibility to accept us and love us?

We just coast through life being loved and appreciated by someone else.

It would be nice but not very realistic. More importantly, it would be putting the work of loving and accepting you in other people’s hands.

Watch more to learn Kajal’s take in this follow up video.

Kajal Pandey is a transformational life coach and truth teacher. She has an excellent meditation class you can pick up here. Learn more about her work on her website at www.kajalpandey.com and follow her on Instagram here.

Your Ex Didn’t Do You Like This

I think the problem is that we depend on our loves to love us the way we should love ourselves.” Unknown

You blame your ex.

You believe your ex may have been the devil incarnate.

You believe your ex ruined your life and treated you worse than the worst person you’ve met today.

Why couldn’t they have loved you the way you wanted to be loved!?!

Isn’t that a partner’s job?

To love you unconditionally, without judgment and without hurting you?

Is that so much to ask?

Not really, except it wasn’t your ex who did you like this for you to blame your ex.

It wasn’t your ex who treated you badly first.

It wasn’t your ex who loved you badly first.

It’s easy to blame everything on your ex and consider him to be the bogeyman.

However, more likely than not, it wasn’t your ex who did you wrong.

Let’s go back in time.

When I was growing up, the people who mistreated me more than I could have imagined were my parents.

I doubt they did this maliciously or intentionally but without question, the way my parents spoke to me, punished me and disciplined me had a lot to do with how I turned out.

Now, before you jump ahead here, the point of this story isn’t to blame our parents, as much as we’d like to do that.

Our parents and families set the standard of what love looks like but…they royally screwed it up for many of us.

Your parents create the terrible soil for you to grow in: 

  • Your parents likely spoke badly to you.
  • They criticized you unfairly and held you to impossible standards.
  • They likely insulted your intelligence
  • Made you feel unworthy
  • They must have sinned in a previous life to have given life to you (hey Indian parents!).

If it wasn’t your parents, it was your family.

If it wasn’t your family, other influences in your life made you treat yourself badly.

So, you inherited this problem that showed up later in your marriage and your spouse didn’t help with it.

They just made it worse.

Remember, your ex is the mirror.

If you showed up with low self-worth, your ex amplified it.

If you showed up with low self-esteem, your spouse took advantage of it.

If you showed up with self-loathing, you felt worse when your spouse pushed your buttons.

The problem stemmed from the conditions you grew up in and the people who were supposed to have loved you right.

But the solution is up to you to find.

How sad and tragic that we have to fix the way other people hurt us?

What’s up with that?

Our partners were our mirrors, showing us just how much we didn’t love ourselves.

They were not the cause so why blame your ex?

Now it’s our job to figure this out.

How do we forgive the people who hurt us and forgive the people who didn’t love us like we were supposed to have been loved?

How do we then learn to love ourselves the way we want to be loved?

Blaming your ex and others for not loving us correctly is easy. Taking responsibility for our healing and our loving is hard.

Yet this is without question the hardest work that we have to do, especially coming back from a breakup or divorce.

The greatest factor in changing the way we look at ourselves, treat ourselves and deal with ourselves is how much we care for and love ourselves.

I’ve discovered that all our interpersonal successes, all our emotional and physical successes, all our achievements and worldly successes come down to this one thing.

So, let’s stop putting the responsibility squarely on our exes.

Don’t blame your ex. Let’s not blame your family either. They carried their own wounds and hurts from generations before.

Let’s find a way to accept and love ourselves.

Do you still blame your ex for the way they treated you? Are you angry at those people who didn’t love you like they were supposed to?

Hit reply and let me know. If you’re not on the email list, please get on it.

Also, pick up my books on self-love at the Amazon store here.

Your Ex Was the Mirror

“If you are irritated by every rub, how will your mirror be polished?” Rumi

It was the holidays.

It was the New Year.

It was just Valentine’s day.

When do we ever start the diet?

I think of myself as relatively healthy and swim a couple times a week.

Unfortunately it’s the carbs (&*$%#@@!* Indian food) and sweets (pies, cakes and candy bars) that are my downfall.

No matter how much I tried to avoid these things, I feel they are a constant and comfortable presence in my life. They constantly contribute to the additional 10 pounds of weight that I can do without.

Now, how many of us survive the holidays and stuff ourselves with all delicacies and then find ourselves in the new year resolving to eat less and be healthier?

How many times do you look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself in a dramatic tone, “why ….why did you do this? Why did you indulge and wallop those savory gulab jamuns and sweet potato pies !!!”

How many times do you avoid looking at the mirror when you walk into the bathroom ?

How many times have you thought to yourself that you only want to look at yourself after you’re back to your ideal weight?

Maybe I’m oversharing here but the additional 10 pounds of weight – the “comfort pounds” as I’ll now start referring to them as are visibly more apparent when I look at myself in the mirror.

I wouldn’t usually notice this weight (trick here is to regularly buy oversized pants and shirts J so you’ll never notice when your weight creeps up by a few pounds here and there).

Anyway, where were we?

Oh yeah, looking at mirrors.

I wouldn’t notice this weight…except…

when looking at myself shaving or brushing my teeth, looking into the mirror.

I would notice my eating habits, my love for that cocaine like substance, sugar, and the additional comfort pounds that are now part of my life.

The Notorious B.I.G used  to say “Mo money, mo problems” but let me venture to say…

More mirror, more problems.

Which now brings me to a topic that I touched on last week.

How to recognize our past blame at our ex’s and start shifting of responsibilities back to ourselves.

I talked about how to stop blaming our ex’s and taking responsibility for our lives if we wanted to move on.

While we do need to end the blame game, your ex was helpful in one way.

Your ex was the mirror to yourself.

Your ex helped show where the flaws and spider webs were.

Your ex helped show you what needed a fix-up, a touch-up or a complete make-over.

You likely hated every minute that you were shown these flaws because this space is uncomfortable and unpleasant.

Yet instead of looking at this as something to work on or improve, you likely got angry and frustrated with your ex.

You likely demonized them and wondered what was wrong with them.

You likely told all your friends and family that you were being tortured and couldn’t handle the nastiness of the relationship.

It was our flaws but we made the person in the mirror responsible, not realizing that we were ultimately the ones in the mirror.

No point beating up ourselves about this now.

You can’t change the past.

You can reflect on it.

You can inquire about what were the things you missed looking in the mirror.

You can take responsibility for it.

You can get to work on improving those things.

I’m going to share what one of the biggest shortcomings/flaws that our ex’s mirrored back to us next week.

In the meantime, what did your ex show you about yourself?

What did you need to work on?

What are your skeletons?

What did you see in the mirror?

Hit reply and let me know.

And of course, if you’re not on the V-team email list, get on it please 🙂 

The Biggest Lesson I Learned From My Divorce

biggest lesson

It was all her fault.

She was so difficult, challenging and uncompromising.

She couldn’t give in, not even an inch.

So many of these thoughts swirled through my mind as I squarely placed the blame for my divorce on my ex.

When the marriage ended, my blame meter was supercharged.

If she had just changed, everything would have been ok.

If she had been just a little more forgiving or a little more respectful or a little more accommodating, we could have made it work.

I was angry with her not only for the marriage’s end but for the way she showed up in the marriage.

I felt she had so many problems and I simply couldn’t fix them.

What a difference 7 years makes!

My journey to coming to terms with my divorce and moving on came down to one very basic and profound lesson about love, relationships and life.

Ready?

It has nothing to do with anyone else.

Let me repeat: Your journey and your growth and your happiness have little to do with other people.

Your partners and spouses are simply mirrors of whom you really are.

All the issues you find in your ex have more to do with you than with them.

I know.

You don’t agree.

I don’t want to agree.

I want to fight this notion and I did fight it for years.

Until the epiphany one day: What if it was me?

What???

How sacrilegious of me to say this!

How disrespectful to myself!

Yet, that’s what I can ultimately share with you about my most profound experience from divorce.

It really had nothing, or very little, to do with the other person.

(I understand that in some situations, the other person is violent or abusive, or has serious underlying issues. In such cases, that person is responsible.)

Those of us who get divorced are on the high-speed train to inner growth, spiritual growth and wisdom. But ….

only if we let that happen.

This can start only when we take the blame off the other person and focus on ourselves.

Let’s say you don’t quite agree and are intent on convincing me that the other person was the one at fault.

Your ex cheated on you, was mentally or emotionally abusive towards you, left you…

Even in these cases, I’m suggesting that those are things you have very little control over.

You CANNOT change, correct or fix your ex or anyone else in your future.

You CAN make wiser and smarter decisions about whom you choose to be with.

And…you can try to figure out what issues you brought to the table, how you dealt with your ex and what you can do differently.

This was my biggest lesson. It doesn’t have to be yours.

If you strongly blame your ex and believe your ex is at fault, fine.

You can let it be but you may be robbing yourself of the opportunity to take responsibility, do your own inner work and improve your own life.

If you’re ready to move past the blame game and holding your ex responsible for everything that happened in the past, it’s time to get honest about some of the questions you’re asking yourself.

  • How could you have shown up differently in the relationship?
  • How did you make things worse for you or your ex in your relationship?
  • How could you have handled things differently in your past relationship?
  • What are your triggers and shortcomings when it comes to relationships?
  • What kind of help or tools do you need going forward?
  • What are the lessons and insights your former guru, your ex, was able to leave you with?
  • What are you still angry about?
  • What are you still resenting?
  • What are the things you need to forgive and let go of?
  • Who are you becoming with this self-awareness, knowledge and insight about yourself?

The longer you hold onto the blame, the longer it’ll take for you to move on.

This doesn’t happen overnight or immediately.

It took me several years to go from blaming my ex to slapping myself in the face and realizing that I was the one who had the issues!

Again, she may have had issues too but it wasn’t my job to fix them. I don’t have the tools to help her solve her issues, triggers and shortcomings.

All I could have done was point them out to her and all she could have done was the same.

If you’re resisting what I’m saying, I get it.

It took me the better part of a decade to get here.

It’s so much easier to blame and shift responsibility.

It’s convenient and comfortable to feel like nothing is wrong with you and that you brought no issues to the table.

It doesn’t require us to do any work or take any action yet we are losing the self-growth and insight that accepting responsibility fosters.

Have you taken responsibility for your past relationship? Did you play a role in the deterioration of your marriage or relationship?

I’m curious to hear what you have to say. Drop me a line and reply to my email.

If you’re not getting emails, sign up for my weekly messages so we can communicate.

Happy 2019, all – this is our year!

How to Improve Your Relationship With Yourself

Kajal Pandey, Transformational life coach and truth teacher

I hope you enjoy this video above and the important questions Kajal asks us to ask ourselves in order to improve the relationship we have with ourselves.

I had also asked Kajal share the Dear Beloved: Love Letters to Yourself project she’s created below.

Here she is:

Three years ago in meditation an idea struck me, which was to write a love letter to myself.

Intrigued and willing, I decide to take it on as a 30 day challenge of writing daily love letters to myself. 

Writing love letters to myself daily served as a practice of loving myself, but also greatly changed my perception of myself as it allowed me to know what was really going on in my inner world and how I felt about myself. 

Inspired by that initial idea this workbook was born!

The workbook includes: 

  • 31 love letter prompts to help you understand your relationship with yourself, and actually improve it at the same time.
  • The tools of self-love that make loving yourself tangible and easy-to-do with complimentary exercises.
  • What self-love habits are and how to create your own self-love habits.
  • Affirmations as a tool to train your mind to focus on positive, life-giving thoughts about yourself.
  • A mini relationship with yourself quiz to help you get clear on where you are with yourself right now.
  • Plus bonus videos (10) on self-love topics and access to the a private facebook group to ask questions and support!

You can pick up the workbook here: https://kajalpandey.com/product/dear-beloved-workbook/

Kajal Pandey is a transformational life coach and truth teacher. She is passionate about guiding people into their inner world so they can create a life they love. She does this by teaching people how to embrace their darkness, unlearn who they think they are to remember who they really are in truth. You can learn more about here work here: http://www.kajalpandey.com

Just Because Your Love Ended Doesn’t Mean Your Love Life Has To

Just because your love ended doesn’t mean your love life has to.

You may have gone through a bad breakup, like I did.

The breakup may have knocked you down so hard, you think all kinds of unhealthy thoughts.

When my marriage ended, one of the big thoughts that swirled around my head was that no one would ever want me again.

It wasn’t just that thought.

When you’re the one who doesn’t want the breakup, you put an inordinate amount of blame on yourself.

You believe you did something wrong and that you’re not good enough.

You build toxic thoughts in your mind about all the things that are wrong with you.

You begin to believe that you’ll be alone and no one will ever love you again.

You begin to believe there’s no one out there for you.

You begin to believe that you were meant to live a solitary life of singlehood.

You turn into a ghost of a person who floats around your life, believing no one’s out there for you.

I want to take this moment to snap you out of this ghostly midnight stroll.

If you would rather be alone and don’t want a partner, no judgment here. I have nothing more to say.

But if you’re reading this and you want a partner in your life, I want you to keep a few things in mind.

* Your beliefs about relationships and partners will have an inordinate impact on your ability to find one.

* Your subconscious beliefs about relationships and partners will have an undue influence on your ability to find one.

* Your thoughts and feelings on relationships will weigh heavily on your ability to find a new one.

When I thought I would be alone and would never find a partner, I was right.

When I decided that I was tired of being alone and wanted a partner, I was right too.

Life, courtesy of the universe, brings you what you’re thinking and feeling.

You want a partner but underlying this idea are thoughts, beliefs, feelings and subconscious blocks preventing you from finding one.

To find a person you want to spend your life with, work on shedding these underlying gremlins.  

Remember, what you think about, you bring about.

Your inner emotions shape the world around you.

Your beliefs create your reality.

Ready to start  creating a new reality for yourself today? Ready to start loving anew?

Pick up my book Does True Love Exist to give you some encouragement to find love at the Amazon store today.

Before You Find Romance

Regardless of who loves you and validates you, you can’t invite romance into your life until this happens first.

Don’t believe the Hollywood hype and pop song lyrics You are not complete and whole simply because someone else loves you.  Click on the above video to watch.

For more on this topic, check out my books at the Amazon store here:

Love Yourself After Heartbreak

The Self-Romance Manifesto

7 Life Lessons from Glennon Doyle’s Love Warrior

“What if pain – like love – is just a place brave people visit?” Glennon Doyle, Love Warrior

Love Warrior is a book about how to turn pain and suffering into love.

This past October 27th, in Visalia, California, I watched Glennon Doyle deliver a sermon about becoming a love warrior. Her commentary about Jesus left me awestruck.

Just to be clear, Glennon isn’t a minister and doesn’t possess religious credentials of any kind.

I found myself sitting in the auditorium of love, listening to Glennon preach the doctrine of love.

So, back to Jesus for a minute.

Jesus never avoided the crucifixion, Glennon reminded us. He knew that pain and suffering awaited Him, but He didn’t shy away from His path. It was the pain, struggle and crucifixion that led to the resurrection.

It was the crucifixion that led to the rising.

Have you noticed that most of us usually try to run from our pain?

You and I would do just about anything to avoid feeling bad for a few hours.

Glennon made me question why we run from our pain when, in fact, pain will lead to our own personal resurrection. It’s the pain that will transform us and help us rise again.

In her popular memoir, Love Warrior, Glennon takes the reader on her life journey through bulimia and alcoholism to marriage, betrayal and divorce.

She uses her life story to show us that we, too, can become the alchemists of our own lives by transforming pain to love.

Here are 7 important life lessons from Glennon’s memoir, Love Warrior, to help you become a love warrior in your life.

1. Just the next right thing.

I will go to sleep. The sun will rise. I will make breakfast. I will take the kids to school. I will come home and rest…Just the next right thing, one thing at a time.”

When, at a therapy session, Glennon found out about her husband’s betrayal, she panicked as she watched her life spin out of control. Not knowing what to do after coming out of that session, she did the only thing she could do with her life.

When you are in situations of panic or disaster, or have hit rock bottom, your plan can be as simple as hers.

Just take the very next step.

You may not know what all the right things are and what the future holds but you can do the next right thing. Whatever feels right next, do that.

2. Doing the precise thing.

When other people blamed or scorned her for her dissolving marriage, Glennon stopped asking for advice from others and pretending that she didn’t know what to do. She stopped fretting about whether her next actions were right or wrong.

It’s about doing the precise thing. The precise thing is always incredibly personal and often makes no sense to anyone else.

You have to do what’s right for you. The divine is speaking to you at all times and guiding you in your life. You know what’s best for yourself. The precise thing is the right thing for you to do next.

3. Tear down the walls and face what’s underneath.

When Glennon didn’t know how to fix – or whether to save – her marriage, she realized that it wasn’t about her marriage.

“All I know is that I need to tear down my own walls and face what’s underneath.”

You have little control of the circumstances and people outside yourself.

To become who you are, you must be willing to go within. To fix the outside, you have to start with the inside.

To progress and become who you are may require going backward and unbecoming who you were.

The journey to who you are requires an internal detour.

4. Sitting in the hot loneliness.

You have a sense of loneliness within you that you may have tried to escape, just as Glennon tried to do.

I thought I needed to hide these feelings, escape them, fix them, deliver myself from them…I didn’t know that it would pass.

Just like a hot yoga class that Glennon found herself in, sometimes all it takes is sitting on your yoga mat, feeling pain and not running out of the hot yoga studio.

The pain may be uncomfortable and the heat intolerable, as will be the loneliness. However, if you sit tight and allow the uncomfortable feelings to pass, you’ll realize that you can get through it. The feelings of discomfort are temporary and passing.

5. You are everything you already need.

What if I don’t need Craig to love me perfectly because I’m already loved perfectly? What if I am the warrior I need? What if I am my own damn hero?

Your true identity is one of love. You came from love and you are love.

Yet you look for love on the outside. You’re looking for a person to love and complete you when you don’t need anyone to do that.

You just have to observe and embrace the love that’s already there.

Once you’ve embraced your true identity as a love warrior, you will become the most powerful force on Earth.

6. Be real, not perfect.

I tell them that we can choose to be perfect and admired or to be real and loved. We must decide.”

If you choose to show up in the world as perfect, you have to be an inauthentic version of yourself.

If you choose to be real, you show up as a tender-hearted and vulnerable person. This person will likely suffer hurt more often but will be much stronger than the superficial version of yourself.

You don’t have to hide, terrified about what people think of you.

Show up as how you are with your faults and shortcomings. Your true self is your strength and your authenticity is your gift to the world.

7. Trust yourself.

I will not betray myself. I will trust the wisdom of the still small voice…I will trust her and I will trust myself.”

It’s easy to let outside society dictate your decisions and actions.

Our intuition is strong, Glennon reminds us, and we should listen to it.

The inner voice that you usually drown out in the midst of a busy life is the voice of reason and wisdom.

The more in tune you are with that voice, the more you’ll take actions that are in your best interest.

Listen to it, trust it and know that it will guide you to what’s right for you in your life.

* Thank you to Adrianne Hillman for hosting the event.  Pick up Love Warrior here in the Amazon store.  

7 Simple Personal Growth Lessons I’ve Learned In The Past 7 Years

As my life swirled out of control upon the end of my marriage, house and career, I fell into a state of hopelessness and despair. “What is the point of it all?” I asked myself. “What even matters?” I wondered. “Is there life after heartbreak and loss?” I pondered.

Getting out of bed was difficult. I found myself in tears more than I had at any point in my life. The tsunami of personal, emotional and financial failure was overwhelming! It was also my life’s greatest wake-up call.

Since that time 7 years ago, I’ve done everything I can to regain a grip on my life. After reading hundreds of books; reflecting for hundreds of hours with therapists, coaches and healers; writing thousands of words and implementing dozens of life hacks, here’s what I’ve discovered.

Although it came with much pain, suffering and tears, I’ve distilled my life’s biggest learnings into these 7 lessons.

These are 7 simple personal growth lessons I’ve learned in the past 7 years.

1. The insides matter more than the outsides.

We spend almost all our younger lives focused on building our careers and providing for ourselves as adults. We are busy either making money or learning a trade to make us money. There’s nothing wrong with being able to support ourselves but this focus does ignore everything else that matters. Professional and financial success matter but how about emotional resiliency, interpersonal relationships and self-worth? The latter matter much more but we don’t spend any time developing these qualities.

I’ve learned that the insides matter more; this is your operating system that determines the quality of your life.

Learning to be in touch with your emotions, to pick yourself up after falling and to develop healthy relationships with people is what matters for long-term happiness and success.

2. Habits trump dreams.

People tell you to have dreams and follow them. You revisit your dreams during the new year and maybe a couple other times in January. You set some goals and intention for the year but all of this quickly falls away. People tell you to visualize your dreams and write them down.

None of this is effective.

If you truly want to achieve your dreams, you must focus on daily habits. Daily habits are vehicles that will move you closer to your dreams. A simple check-off of daily tasks you accomplish over a long period of time will get you much closer to your dreams than will audacious dreams.

Small, doable habits you accomplish every day beat tricky and complicated habits you have no motivation for.

3. Less is more.

We fill our lives with so much crap. We look for better housing, better jobs, better relationships, better vacations, better cars, better friends, better partners, better things.

We spend all our time bringing more into our lives.

However, I’ve found that the opposite is true for personal growth.

You must get rid of the stuff in your life. You must lower the number of people filling your life. You must let go of the career or job that is overwhelming you.

Create space to breathe.

Fill your life with what truly matters to you.

4. Busyness is over-rated.

Along the same lines, people in the West are addicted to staying busy.

You’re too busy to take care of yourself, too busy for your health, too busy for your sanity.

People take pride in filling their schedules and lives to the brim. Busyness isn’t cool.

Busyness is for people running on the treadmill of social pressures and pursuing external achievements.

Create more time for yourself so you can do what you really want to do. Don’t be a slave to time.

5. Today matters more than yesterday.

After failure and loss, we want to stay in the past.

You know why?

Because that’s where we are most comfortable.

It’s like knowing the end of a movie. You would rather watch or be in a movie whose ending you know rather than be in a movie you have no clue about.

We would rather be comfortable in the certainty of our past than venture out into an unknown future.

However, this comes at the expense of our lives today.

If you live looking backwards, you’re robbing yourself of what today holds. Live for today; appreciate what’s in front of you. Be mindful of what you’re experiencing and imagine today is the only day you have left.

Live more, reminisce less.

6. Intuition and values are your GPS.

We spend much of our lives focusing on what other people think of us.

I did this for the longest time … until my life fell apart.

When I had nothing else to lose and everyone thought I was heading down the wrong path, I gave up on what everyone thought.

As the black sheep of any community or culture, you have tools to guide you – tools that you never rely on.

Most of your life, people have used loud noises and chatter to drown out your intuition.

You’ve never learned that your values rule your life.

Spend some time getting a better understanding of your gut feeling, your intuition.

How do you listen to it? How does it speak to you?

Also, discover what your values are.

What are your life priorities? What matters to you? How do you find meaning?

Spend the rest of your days both aligning with your intuition and making decisions according to your values.

7. You don’t have to wait to be happy.

You don’t have to achieve x, y, z to be happy.

You don’t have to hit a certain career point or find that special someone to be happy.

Often, we wait our entire lives to be happy. Why not be happy today?

I’ve concluded that happy is as happy does.

You don’t have to wait some day for happiness. Start figuring out what makes you happy today and do that. To be happy, you don’t have to move, marry, get a raise, succeed in your business or get that degree.

Look for the simple pleasures in life that trigger happiness in you; a walk, a pet, a phone call, a visit with a friend, a date, a movie, giving back, cooking your favorite dish, picking up a new hobby.

Do whatever lights your soul on a daily basis.

Schedule it to get daily shots of happiness.

For more personal growth lessons and insights, check out my books at the Amazon store here.