Spiritual Steps To Let Go of the Past (+ New Book)

“People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.” Thic Nhat Hanh

You want to let go of the past once and for all.

You’ve tried every possible method of letting go of the past…except the spiritual one.

Can spiritual practitioners teach us spiritual steps for letting go of the past?

As I took my own journey of getting over my divorce and overcoming the past, I tried just about every method and practice to let go of the past.

I visited everyone from coaches and therapists to reiki practitioners and Vedic practitioners. I worked with shamans and astrologers.

Letting go of the past took me a very long time. Nothing seemed to work. As we talked about before, I had a long list of reasons as to why I should live in the past.

I loved it there.

You might have loved it there, too.

It was so comforting, welcoming and familiar.

Ultimately, through my spiritual pursuits over the years, I discovered the path to letting go and moving on.

I had been reading about these practices and principles over and over again.

I’d seen them in so many different places and heard about them from spiritual teachers and practitioners.

When I finally did cross over and let the past be the past, I reflected upon the many steps I’d taken to get to that point of letting go once and for all.

No, it didn’t take time to let go of the past; it took work. Letting go of the past took several steps.

It took spiritual steps that were hard to complete. As much as we talk about them, things like acceptance and forgiveness are hard work when you actually start trying to do them.

Yet, you can’t let go and move on until you walk through each of these steps to letting go of the past.

I studied many of the spiritual leaders and authors of our time and tried to reach a consensus as to the spiritual ways of letting go.

If you walk through these 12 steps, you, too, will be able to let go of the heavy burden of being stuck in the past and breathe lightly again.

This may take months or years; however, knowing what the journey looks like is the starting point.

Once you know what the journey looks like, you’ll know what step you’re on and how many steps you must walk through before you’re able to let go once and for all.

A whole new life is waiting for you once you burn your past in the spiritual fire.

If you enjoyed reading about these spiritual methods of letting go, please pick up The Sacred Art of Letting Go: Walk 12 Steps With Spiritual Masters to Let Go of Past Relationships and Find Peace Today.

The book details these spiritual steps to let go of the past. It explains each step in detail and helps you apply these principles to your daily life so you, too, can let go of the past that is no longer serving you and, instead, embrace the life awaiting you.

Here are 12 steps to let go of the past from my latest book, The Sacred Art of Letting Go.

Step 1 – the Step of Acceptance. You cannot move on until you acknowledge and accept what happened to you. In this step, Eckhart Tolle reminds us to allow life to just be; we should not judge it as good or bad. When you take away the heavy emotions of your past relationship and view the events objectively, you’re better able to accept what happened.

Step 2 – the Step of Releasing your feelings. In this chapter, both Pema Chodron and Ram Dass suggest ways to become curious and inquisitive about the strong feelings you’re experiencing. You can move on only when you find a way to process the emotional storm you’re feeling.

Steps 3 – the Step of Melting Anger. This walks you through ways to release anger towards – and resentment of – your ex. It gives you a myriad of ways to use the power of forgiveness to wash away the anger you carried with you when you left the relationship.

Step 4 – the Step of Choice. You’ll see how much is truly in your control and how you can take charge of the process of letting go. You are not a wind in the storm. You can proactively work on your healing. You have the power of choice. Use the power of reframing to see your situation and circumstances differently.

Step 5 – the Step of Learning. You’ll see how to turn your relationship and the past into learning. You’ll learn how to find wisdom in your pain and use this wisdom in your future relationships. Learn how to turn your ex from a soul enemy into a heart teacher.

Step 6 – the Step of Connectedness. You notice how your ego causes separation between you and your ex. You start to realize that if you saw people and relationships differently, as your ego wants you to see them, you’ll find yourself in conflict and resentment. If you apply this principle to your life, you can put yourself in other people’s shoes and let go of the pain sooner.

Step 7 – the Step of This Moment. I talk about ways to stop living in the past that no longer exists and, instead, to bring yourself into the present moment. I show you that no pain or conflict exists in this moment in front of you and I reveal why you should strive to be in this place. I provide exercises that help you live in the present moments of your life.

Step 8 – the Step of Going Within. You’ll learn the power of doing the inner work necessary to move on. This step helps you drop all outside pretenses and get more clarity on who you are. As you get to know yourself better, you’ll have a stronger ability to let go of past hurts and move on.

Step 9 – the Step of Soul Awakening. You learn how to remove the mask of the ego and get clearer on yourself. This is the process of burning or stripping away all those things you’re not so that you become more of who you are in a spiritual sense. This is the step of opening your soul. It’s about getting curious, discovering your soul’s calling and arriving at your essence.

Step 10 – the Step of Compassion. Here, you’ll learn how to radiate empathy and compassion for yourself and others. The longer you beat up yourself or blame your ex, the longer you’ll remain in the past. The sooner you figure out how to put yourself in other people’s shoes, extend compassion to yourself and others, and see your relationship in a new light, the sooner you’ll move on.

Step 11 – the Step of Strength. You will see how to use your weakest and lowest life experience, heartbreak and loss to your advantage. This step shows you how to use past experiences and loss to build your resiliency muscle. It also shows you how to use the power of your friendships and inner circle to get through the tough times.

Step 12 – the Step of Trust. Discover how to trust the process of letting go. This step reminds you that you can get through this but you’ll have to trust yourself and the process. It shows you that others have walked a similar path. It asks you to believe that letting go is possible and to take a leap of faith into a better place.

If you enjoyed learning about these principles, please consider checking out the book, which describes these steps in more detail and gives you concrete steps for letting go of the past and moving on.

You can pick up the book, The Sacred Art of Letting Go: Walk 12 Steps With Spiritual Masters to Let Go of Past Relationships and Find Peace Today.

It’s on sale starting Thursday, June 6th and available at the Amazon store. You owe it to yourself to pick up this book to move on with your life.

New Book: The Sacred Art of Letting Go

I’m excited to announce my latest book, The Sacred Art of Letting Go: Walk 12 Steps With Spiritual Masters To Let Go of Past Relationships and Find Peace Today releases next week.

If you’re stuck in the past and having trouble letting go, please pick up this book to help you get unstuck from the past and move on with your life. Learn from the spiritual and wisdom teachers of our times on how to spiritually let go of the pain of past relationships.

Thank you for your continued support of my writing and this blog. A small way to help my work is to pick up a copy of this book when it’s on sale.

The Sacred Art of Letting Go will be on sale at the Amazon store starting on Thursday, June 6th.

The Most Important Spiritual Principle in Letting Go of Pain from the Past

“There comes a day when you realize turning the page is the best feeling in the world, because you realize there is so much more to the book than the page you were stuck on.” Zayn Malik

I hate endings.

I hate when the movie A Star is Born ends.

I hate when a lunch date ends.

I hate when a pot of Indian sambar in the fridge ends.

I hate when a cup of tart frozen yogurt I’m eating ends.

And, for sure, I hate when a relationship ends.

Like I said, I hate endings.

And when you hate endings, you try your hardest to hold onto the ending.

If it’s a movie, you can replay or rewind it.

If it’s a pot of delicious tofu curry, you can water it down and have more of it.

And if it’s a relationship, you can do one of two things.

You can prolong the end by trying your hardest to hold onto it, avoiding your partner’s attempt to break it off.

Or…you can simply end it and continue holding onto your relationship in your heart and soul.

You can hold onto the relationship in your mind and consciousness, replaying the highlights of that relationship over and over again.

When my relationship ended, I did all these things.

I stayed in the relationship way too long. We did every single thing we could to avoid breaking up…until it got to a breaking point.

And I continued to imagine that this relationship still existed even after I’d gotten out of it.

I replayed our trips to Lake Tahoe, our honeymoon to Kerala, our first trip to Las Vegas and Disneyland, our many conversations on Skype, my secret trip to India to visit her months after we met.

I continued replaying these memories because they felt good and when I had these memories, I felt good.

Like I mentioned last week, memories of the past are soothing and comfortable.

The past is like a cup of hot chocolate or a warm blanket as you sit by the fireplace on a rainy night.

Who would ever want to let go of these warm and comfortable memories?

Yet, to move on with my life, I had to find ways to do exactly that.

I had to let go of these memories so I could move on with my life!

Although it took years of reading, therapy, spiritual discoveries, meditation, learning and understanding, this concept helped me break through and shift away from the past.

It was this teaching about impermanence by the Buddhist teacher and poet, Thich Nhat Hanh:

“We are often sad and suffer a lot when things change, but change and impermanence have a positive side. Thanks to impermanence, everything is possible. Life itself is possible. If a grain of corn is not impermanent, it can never be transformed into a stalk of corn. If the stalk were not impermanent, it could never provide us with the ear of corn we eat. If your daughter is not impermanent, she cannot grow up to become a woman. Then your grandchildren would never manifest. So instead of complaining about impermanence, we should say, ‘Warm welcome and love live impermanence.’ We should be happy. When we see the miracle of impermanence our sadness and suffering will pass.”

This helped me realize that change and impermanence can be good things.

If life didn’t have endings, we couldn’t have beginnings.

Without winter, there would be no spring.

Without darkness, there would be no light.

Without night, there would be no dawn.

Once I learned this lesson from Thich Nhat Hahn and other spiritual teachers, I started looking at life in a different way.

I could slowly loosen my grip on my past relationship and my marriage because, in its dissolution, I would find discovery and the blooming of new relationships and love.

Growth, understanding, compassion and inner change will fill my life.

In the messiness and complications of a sad ending are the seeds for so many other things to come out of my life.

It was the moment when I realized that practicing law was no longer the thing for me to do.

It was the moment when I realized that I didn’t have to buy into and live the consumerist American dream that everyone around me was living.

It was the moment when I realized that profound spiritual lessons and truths were awaiting me.

So, really, the end was the beginning of change, understanding and growth.

The end was truly the beginning.

This was how I slowly transitioned to present-moment living.

A slow and growing realization that death and endings are the foundations of birth and beginnings.

The idea isn’t to stay stuck on a page. It’s to let go of things that no longer work so you can read the rest of the book.

As the above quote reveals, you can get to the good parts of the book only after you finish the parts that have kept you stuck.

Bottom line: So many good things can come your way but you won’t find them if you don’t let go of the past.

The beautiful thing is, you have the power of choice. You get to decide how to view the impermanence and changes that enter your life.

The Step of Choice is the 4th step in my new book, The Sacred Art of Letting Go (on sale June 6, 2019).

This is one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned during my journey towards letting go of the past.

And, yes, this letting-go process has a few more steps.

In fact, I discovered 12 steps from spiritual teachers, which I share in The Sacred Art of Letting Go.

I discovered them as I walked the path of getting over my relationship.

Spiritual teachers and writers have talked about them for centuries. I wanted to put, in one place, all these concepts I had experienced and learned.

That’s why I wrote this book.

It reminded me about what it takes to let go. It also serves as a guide for you if you’re in a place where you’re having trouble letting go.

The book is called The Sacred Art of Letting Go: Walk 12 Steps with Spiritual Masters to Let Go of Past Relationships and Find Peace Today.

I want you to read this book. Learn from it and grow from it.

Not only do I share my personal experience but I show you how the spiritual teachers and masters of our time help us deal with breakup and change.

I know this book can help you move along your journey and free yourself of the prison of your past. It can help you move on to the life awaiting you.

Pick up The Sacred Art of Letting Go: Walk 12 Steps with Spiritual Masters to Let Go of Past Relationships and Find Peace Today when it goes on sale on June 6th, 2019. 

Why I Loved Living in the Past for Years of My Life and Why You Shouldn’t

I loved living in the past for years of my life.

It was like split pea soup or chicken noodle soup or some other kind of soup that instantly makes you feel at home.

Imagine being curled up in a warm blanket on a rainy night, slurping on your favorite soup in your favorite cabin in the woods.

After soup is a cup of hot chocolate and smores.

Your feet are roasting by the fireplace and because the Wi-Fi is down, all you can do is read your favorite book on the Kindle.

You wish this moment could last forever.

This is exactly what it’s like to live in the past.

Some of us do this for a weekend, some for a few weeks at a time and others for years at a time.

Why stay stuck living in the past for inordinate amounts of time?

This is a beautiful, relaxing and peaceful place.

In this place, you don’t have to grow, stretch yourself or do anything else.

You can enjoy your past relationship for months or years.

You can take refuge in the memories of your past, replaying them over and over again.

You can find comfort in the certainty of what happened.

The future is unknown; it involves risks and all kinds of growth. You never know how the story will end.

But living in the past, you’re the queen!

You’re royalty.

You’re in charge.

You bring up the memories you want and you replay them over and over and over again.

You assign blame, you take on blame. You assign guilt, you take on guilt. You take on sadness and regret and shame.

You play in the sandbox of sadness and struggle.

You bask in the sunlight of anger and resentment.

All these things I’m describing feel good. Who would ever want to leave that place?

You get to be the victim of a love gone wrong.

And you get to be the hero who made it through the rain.

We are all like Adele in the past, with our lovers forgetting about us or taking advantage of us or cheating on us.

All we can do is pick up the phone, say “hello” and dream about how things used to be.

“Hello…from the other side…I must have called a thousand times…to tell you that I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done…”

In the past, we create our own reality.

We tell ourselves our own stories about what happened.

And we choose how long we sit and marinate in the misery and pain we have had to suffer.

What you’re missing out on if you live here.

Unfortunately, as wonderful as it has been to live in this place, you and I have been missing out on the lives waiting for us out there.

When we were babies, for example, we fell many times in our quest to walk. However, we didn’t give up.

Each attempt involved hope, risk and, ultimately, reward.

In our childhood years, we constantly ignored the consequences and took a risk, pursued a passion, went after a dream.

We pushed it to the limit, not knowing or caring about our previous experiences.

We had a blank canvas on which we could paint the life we wanted.

Yet, after this last heartbreak, you just want the safety and security of your bed.

You don’t want all the things the world can offer you.

You don’t want adventure, risk or the freedom to explore.

You don’t want newness or excitement or possibilities.

You sure as hell don’t want another relationship or to date or to open your heart to anyone.

You just want peace, quiet and calmness.

Maybe you want to move back home with your parents and be with them as you all age.

You want love from furry animals that will never betray you and always stand by your side.

You may have chosen to live like a hermit for years.

I did…and I know how comforting and welcoming this place was.

Yet, I’m now realizing that as I was warming my feet next to the fireplace of the familiar, you and I have been missing out by living in the past.

You’ve been missing out on soul expansion and growth.

You’ve been missing out on heart passion and joy.

You’ve been missing out on all the things the world has to offer.

You’ve been missing out on jobs, relationships, travel and the opportunity for your life to be so much richer than the safety of your cocoon.

You’ve been missing out on opportunities to find the “real you” and to realize your life’s potential and destiny.

The past was safe but having lived there for what seems like ages has robbed you of the richness and potential of what can unfold in your life.

Is it time to move on…and how?

If you’re ready to leave the warmth of the cocoon, seek your purpose and live the life that’s waiting for you, you can do this today.

‘Is now the time to move on?’ is a question only you can answer. However, know that when you answer this question, you are affirming a choice.

You were not in grief and stuckness because of time but because of choice.

It’s time to move on when you deem it’s time to move on.

You move on just like I did.

You move on by taking small steps to find your bearings.

You move on by releasing anger towards your ex and letting go of the pain of the past.

You move on by forgiving the people who hurt you.

You move on by forgiving yourself.

You move on by releasing the past stories you’ve been telling yourself and, instead, choosing a new story.

You move on by learning from people who have been in the same place you are. You find out what they did and then you do that.

You read and learn from the experiences of others.

You experiment until you’re able to let go of the past and find peace today.

In a book I’ve written for you, I’ve summed up my own efforts and experiences.

The book is called The Sacred Art of Letting Go: Walk 12 Steps with Spiritual Masters to Let Go of Past Relationships and Find Peace Today.

Not only did I walk this journey but I confirmed each of the 12 steps of that journey I took on the wisdom of spiritual masters and teachers.

These are not just my steps of walking back from the past to present-moment living. Rather, these are actions that teachers, old and new, have prescribed – everyone from the Dalai Lama and Thich Nhat Hanh to Deepak Chopra and Ram Dass.

As comfortable as it may seem to remain in this space of living in the past, at some point you must give up this place and return the keys to its rightful owner: the past itself.

You may not have a new place to live yet but the future promises soul expansion, heart growth and new opportunities to fulfill your destiny.

A little uncomfortable but so worth it.

You can pick up The Sacred Art of Letting Go on June 1, 2019 on Amazon.

10 Tips To Survive Divorce Charmingly Well

You don’t have to merely survive divorce if you’re going through one.

You definitely won’t be surviving divorce if you did divorce the charmed divorce way.

Leah Scott and Robin Sassi, bloggers and authors over at Charmed Divorce, wrote a book in 2017 that I’ve been reading over the years whenever I needed a shot of inspiration or a good laugh.

This book is like having a couple girl-friends giving you divorce advice over a glass of wine.

You’ll cry, you’ll laugh, and possibly forget you’re going through a divorce by the time you finish this book.

Interestingly, the two women start and end the book with the two words, “Get Laid”.

Now, this is in no way a sex book of any kind but the authors do stress the importance of sex in the first and last page of the book.

This is one sure way to have a charmed divorce, right? Lots of sex?!

Here are their other 10 tips on surviving your divorce charmingly well from the book Charmed Divorce.

10 ways to survive divorce charmingly well.

1. Taking care of yourself.

“How your body feels affects the way your mind operates and positive body conditioning is good for the soul. Working on yourself from the outside in is a way to feel good inside out.”

One of things that both women encourage is taking care of yourself and treating yourself well in divorce. They suggest an hour a day of self –care for your body, mind and soul. They say it’s time do whatever it takes to feel good even if you might be feeling lousy.

2. Appreciate the small stuff.

“With all the changes you are going through, life can appear overwhelming and unstable. Appreciating the small things will make the big things less daunting. Remember: small things. By small, we mean miniscule.”

They encourage showing appreciation for all the small things that are going right in your life. Remind yourself how good you have it. You may not be able to control the bigger things in your life but replace that with the tiny joy of everyday life.

3. Get through the hard stuff.

“Cry, stomp, rage, scream. Do these things and then be done with it. It is only when you process those emotions that you can move on with the right attitude. What is that attitude? You can get through this.”

You don’t have to run away from the hard stuff. Divorce will be the hardest thing you will be going through emotionally. Feel your feelings and experience the emotions to survive divorce. The women promise you that it does get better after you get through.

4. Declutter your life.

“Clutter that piles up in your mind will make it difficult to think clearly. It’s time to take inventory of your house and your mind. This will help you create your new life and new space. “

Decluttering will help you with the letting go process. First, clean out the physical stuff and then work on the mental stuff that is occupying your mind. Having less stuff will help you get more productive and feel more relaxed. You can fill your physical space and your mind with the things that bring you happiness.

5. Stay open-minded to new experiences.

“Make a list of things that you have thought about trying but never felt you had the time for. It could be a new type of food, class or social group.”

To get out of the rut of an unfulfilling marriage, try experiment and doing new things. The women suggest getting out of your comfort zone. Explore parts of yourself that were lying dormant. It’s time to live it up with adventure and change of routine.

6. Discover what you want to do with your life

“What better time than to start something new whether it’s a business idea, a new way of eating or exercising, or that craft you were always so good at making. ”

Be creative and explore what you’re passionate about in life. Reconsider if you’re career is something you enjoy doing or is it time to try something else. Consider starting that new business you had in mind. Try out different things that you feel drawn toward and start living a more passionate life. You are now free to.

7. Exercising bravery 

“The fear you may feel come from anticipating the world without a partner. This is where you learn to be brave and discover that being alone is not the end of the world.”

They remind you that you’re going to have to find the courage to live a braver life. You’re going to have to do a whole bunch of things you don’t feel like doing after the marriage ends. This takes conscious effort, determination, and continually showing up for difficult and challenging situations.

8. Discover yourself

“This is the time to ‘date’ yourself. It’s time to take yourself to a movie, out to eat, or to some other event – alone.”

You need alone time post divorce to get to know yourself more. Only when you know yourself can you go forward and be in a better and healthier relationship. They recommend taking yourself out, eating and watching movies alone, to get to know yourself better.

9. Celebrate

“A ‘just divorced’ party is the celebration of the conclusion of the legal process of your divorce…Completing the divorce is a great reason to celebrate.”

You’ve reached a milestone and may have been stressed for the past few months or years while you survived divorce. No better way to celebrate, enjoy with friends and have a party!

10. Have great sex ?!

“It is time to enjoy your new life. What better way than to have some great sex? So go on, and get laid! You deserve the attention and pleasure.”

As I mentioned the women, start and end the book with this tip so there’s probably something to it. They recommend this because they say it’s time to start enjoying your new life. You deserve the attention and the pleasure.

The two authors have put a positive spin on the D-word in this book, Charmed Divorce. The women say that a charmed divorce is enjoying your new life post divorce, being strong and keeping a smile on your fact. They did it and remind you that you can too.

If you’re going through a divorce, do yourself a favor and pick up Charmed Divorce in the Amazon store today. You don’t have to simply survive divorce.  You can get through it charmingly well.

15 Self-Love Quotes from the Most Important Instagram Acccount on the Internet Today

I don’t have much time for Instagram or much other social media these days.

I may drop in occasionally but one of the primary reasons that I check in on Instagram is for one of the most important Instagram accounts out there.

I love this Instagram account by Mark Groves.

It’s not just because he’s regularly dropping truth bombs on his Instagram account but I’m calling this the most important account out there because of WHAT he’s talking about.

Mark’s teachings and message help us get more in touch with ourselves emotionally to heal the wounds within and love ourselves and others more.

There is no more important work than that today.

Follow this account and hey, while you’re there, follow his blog. It will change every aspect of your life, but most importantly the relationship you have with yourself.

15 Mark Groves quotes for self-love from the most important Instagram account on the Internet

1. “When we don’t ask for what we want, we don’t get it.” Mark Groves

2. “You are worthy of the kind of love you showed yourself by walking away.” Mark Groves

3. “When choosing a partner, choose based on something so much more than just attraction. Look for kindness. Look for respect. Look for willingness to be wrong. And then be those things yourself so they can find you too.” Mark Groves

4. “Don’t hold things that require a tight grip. Including thoughts, expectations and even people.” Mark Groves

5. “When you say no to people who don’t show up for you, you not only honor your value, you raise it.” Mark Groves

6. “I think the problem is we depend on lovers to love us the way we should love ourselves.”

7. “If it doesn’t open your door, it’s not your door.”

8. “Nothing meant to be in your life will ever require you to abandon yourself to keep it.”

9. “The choices you make are far more powerful than what you say you desire. Choice determines path, and path determines who you’ll meet. You must become what you seek.” Mark Groves

10. “Time only heals if we do something with that time.” Mark Groves

11. “Sometimes our growth takes us beyond certain people. Often the key to honoring that growth is to let them go.” Mark Groves

12. “There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning.” Mark Groves

13. “I’ve found that growing up means being honest. About what I want. What I need. What I feel. Who I am.”

14. “It’s in the space between the love we’ve lost and the love we hop to find, where we meet ourselves.” Mark Groves

15. “Sometimes it takes losing what we were settling for to remind us what we deserve.”

If you found these Mark Groves quotes inspiring, check out his Instagram account here, his Podcast here and his Youtube channel here

10 Common Beliefs About Love After a Breakup

love after a breakupIs love after a breakup even possible?

After a serious and committed relationship ends, you begin to have weird thoughts swirling through your mind about the future.

First comes the hurt and the pain of having gone through a breakup.

Then comes the blame towards yourself, your ex and others that caused the breakup.

Finally, comes the sad and lonely thoughts about your future, along with your fears that you will never love again after a breakup.

I can personally attest to many of these common beliefs that came in and out of my life after my divorce.

I think the belief that I held about the future was that I would be alone again for the rest of my life and that no one would ever love me again.

It’s at points like that you begin to ask yourself what’s the point of living and what’s the point of life?

Thankfully, I’ve come a long way since then.

I realize that many of the beliefs that I developed post-breakup came from a place of grief yet it took me years to overcome them.

Our mind has a way of playing tricks on us and leading us to dramatic and untrue spaces of thought.

Here are some of the most common beliefs that went through my mind as I thought about finding love after a breakup.

These might be thoughts that are whirling around your mind too.

Please read, reflect and let me know which ones resonate the most with you.

All you have to do is hit reply to this email and fill me in.

Of course, if you’re not on the email list, please get on it!

10 Common Beliefs About Love After a Breakup

1. I will never find love again and be alone forever.

Just because one person ended the relationship with you, you believe that you won’t find someone and be alone the rest of your life.

You think love will pass you by and you’ll spend the rest of your life by yourself, withering away into oblivion and dying a peaceful death surrounded by loyal furry friends.

2. No one will like me or love me again.

Since your ex didn’t like you and fell out of love in you, you believe the other 7 billion people in the world are also going to dismiss you for the terrible person you are.

Love only happens once in your life. It happened. Now, it’s over and you will be living in solitude for several more decades.

You had your one shot at love and it didn’t work out.

3. No one will accept me once they see the real me.

You got to know someone, spend years with them and were in a relationship with them.

Since you believe that something is wrong with you and you scared your ex away, you believe that you will scare everyone else away too.

Once people get to know the real you, they will run for the hills.

There is something permanently damaged about you that no one can accept you for who you are once they get to know you.

4. I am permanently broken

Once again, your relationship ending with your ex will help you see that you have issues. Serious ones that you developed since a child or through other life trauma.

You’ll realize that you’re permanently broken or there is something so flawed with you that no one will want you ever again.

This is not a temporary condition. You were cursed from birth to be broken and unlovable.

Well…there’s always the next life.

5. There are no good people out there.

You take all your previous relationships and all of your recent bad dates to conclude there is absolutely no good people out there.

Everyone is a deadbeat, a dud or a deadbeat dud.

Why even bother dating when people are bad, unavailable, uninterested, boring, evil…

6. I will repeat the mistakes of the past.

You made many mistakes in this past relationship which you hold yourself solely responsible for.

You ruined a perfectly good relationship with a perfectly good person.

You feel like you’re an immature, unworthy, cruel person who causes massive pain and hurt to the people they love.

7. I will choose the wrong person again

You made a mistake in choosing your previous partner. You are pretty much guaranteed to pick someone just as bad the next time around.

Since you did such a poor choice of choosing someone compatible, you believe that you’re going to draw someone into your life who’s just as lousy and bad for you.

8. If I don’t know myself, how could I know what I want in a partner?

After the tsunami of a breakup, you have lost a sense of self, a sense of purpose and a sense of being.

You don’t even know who you are and what you want out of you life.

You’re so lost, how could you possibly be clear on who you’re looking for in a partner?

9. I don’t want go through heartbreak again.

You’ve been through it once and it was more unpleasant than a visit to the dentist.

You cried in bed for months, never went out in public and felt like digging a deep hole and hiding out in it for years.

You’ve experienced serious heartbreak and similar to heart attacks and getting your wisdom teeth pulled, once is enough.

10. I don’t want to feel unworthy again.

Your ex made you feel terrible about yourself.

They made you question your self-worth and your confidence.

You felt so terrible about yourself as a person that you would never let anyone do this to you again by having another love after a breakup.

So you’re going to have super-high walls around your heart and make sure that getting to your heart is going to be 80 times harder than getting tickets to the next Hamilton show.

You would rather push people away, hide from people and make people angry at you than allowing someone to get close enough to you to make you feel unworthy.

To find love after a breakup, pick up my book, Love After Heartbreak, here.

Which of these beliefs most resonate with you? I would like to hear from you via email about your own experiences, thoughts and beliefs after a breakup. 

The One Person Who Must Accept You

Wouldn’t it be easier if it was other people’s responsibility to accept us and love us?

We just coast through life being loved and appreciated by someone else.

It would be nice but not very realistic. More importantly, it would be putting the work of loving and accepting you in other people’s hands.

Watch more to learn Kajal’s take in this follow up video.

Kajal Pandey is a transformational life coach and truth teacher. She has an excellent meditation class you can pick up here. Learn more about her work on her website at www.kajalpandey.com and follow her on Instagram here.

Your Ex Didn’t Do You Like This

I think the problem is that we depend on our loves to love us the way we should love ourselves.” Unknown

You blame your ex.

You believe your ex may have been the devil incarnate.

You believe your ex ruined your life and treated you worse than the worst person you’ve met today.

Why couldn’t they have loved you the way you wanted to be loved!?!

Isn’t that a partner’s job?

To love you unconditionally, without judgment and without hurting you?

Is that so much to ask?

Not really, except it wasn’t your ex who did you like this for you to blame your ex.

It wasn’t your ex who treated you badly first.

It wasn’t your ex who loved you badly first.

It’s easy to blame everything on your ex and consider him to be the bogeyman.

However, more likely than not, it wasn’t your ex who did you wrong.

Let’s go back in time.

When I was growing up, the people who mistreated me more than I could have imagined were my parents.

I doubt they did this maliciously or intentionally but without question, the way my parents spoke to me, punished me and disciplined me had a lot to do with how I turned out.

Now, before you jump ahead here, the point of this story isn’t to blame our parents, as much as we’d like to do that.

Our parents and families set the standard of what love looks like but…they royally screwed it up for many of us.

Your parents create the terrible soil for you to grow in: 

  • Your parents likely spoke badly to you.
  • They criticized you unfairly and held you to impossible standards.
  • They likely insulted your intelligence
  • Made you feel unworthy
  • They must have sinned in a previous life to have given life to you (hey Indian parents!).

If it wasn’t your parents, it was your family.

If it wasn’t your family, other influences in your life made you treat yourself badly.

So, you inherited this problem that showed up later in your marriage and your spouse didn’t help with it.

They just made it worse.

Remember, your ex is the mirror.

If you showed up with low self-worth, your ex amplified it.

If you showed up with low self-esteem, your spouse took advantage of it.

If you showed up with self-loathing, you felt worse when your spouse pushed your buttons.

The problem stemmed from the conditions you grew up in and the people who were supposed to have loved you right.

But the solution is up to you to find.

How sad and tragic that we have to fix the way other people hurt us?

What’s up with that?

Our partners were our mirrors, showing us just how much we didn’t love ourselves.

They were not the cause so why blame your ex?

Now it’s our job to figure this out.

How do we forgive the people who hurt us and forgive the people who didn’t love us like we were supposed to have been loved?

How do we then learn to love ourselves the way we want to be loved?

Blaming your ex and others for not loving us correctly is easy. Taking responsibility for our healing and our loving is hard.

Yet this is without question the hardest work that we have to do, especially coming back from a breakup or divorce.

The greatest factor in changing the way we look at ourselves, treat ourselves and deal with ourselves is how much we care for and love ourselves.

I’ve discovered that all our interpersonal successes, all our emotional and physical successes, all our achievements and worldly successes come down to this one thing.

So, let’s stop putting the responsibility squarely on our exes.

Don’t blame your ex. Let’s not blame your family either. They carried their own wounds and hurts from generations before.

Let’s find a way to accept and love ourselves.

Do you still blame your ex for the way they treated you? Are you angry at those people who didn’t love you like they were supposed to?

Hit reply and let me know. If you’re not on the email list, please get on it.

Also, pick up my books on self-love at the Amazon store here.

Your Ex Was the Mirror

“If you are irritated by every rub, how will your mirror be polished?” Rumi

It was the holidays.

It was the New Year.

It was just Valentine’s day.

When do we ever start the diet?

I think of myself as relatively healthy and swim a couple times a week.

Unfortunately it’s the carbs (&*$%#@@!* Indian food) and sweets (pies, cakes and candy bars) that are my downfall.

No matter how much I tried to avoid these things, I feel they are a constant and comfortable presence in my life. They constantly contribute to the additional 10 pounds of weight that I can do without.

Now, how many of us survive the holidays and stuff ourselves with all delicacies and then find ourselves in the new year resolving to eat less and be healthier?

How many times do you look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself in a dramatic tone, “why ….why did you do this? Why did you indulge and wallop those savory gulab jamuns and sweet potato pies !!!”

How many times do you avoid looking at the mirror when you walk into the bathroom ?

How many times have you thought to yourself that you only want to look at yourself after you’re back to your ideal weight?

Maybe I’m oversharing here but the additional 10 pounds of weight – the “comfort pounds” as I’ll now start referring to them as are visibly more apparent when I look at myself in the mirror.

I wouldn’t usually notice this weight (trick here is to regularly buy oversized pants and shirts J so you’ll never notice when your weight creeps up by a few pounds here and there).

Anyway, where were we?

Oh yeah, looking at mirrors.

I wouldn’t notice this weight…except…

when looking at myself shaving or brushing my teeth, looking into the mirror.

I would notice my eating habits, my love for that cocaine like substance, sugar, and the additional comfort pounds that are now part of my life.

The Notorious B.I.G used  to say “Mo money, mo problems” but let me venture to say…

More mirror, more problems.

Which now brings me to a topic that I touched on last week.

How to recognize our past blame at our ex’s and start shifting of responsibilities back to ourselves.

I talked about how to stop blaming our ex’s and taking responsibility for our lives if we wanted to move on.

While we do need to end the blame game, your ex was helpful in one way.

Your ex was the mirror to yourself.

Your ex helped show where the flaws and spider webs were.

Your ex helped show you what needed a fix-up, a touch-up or a complete make-over.

You likely hated every minute that you were shown these flaws because this space is uncomfortable and unpleasant.

Yet instead of looking at this as something to work on or improve, you likely got angry and frustrated with your ex.

You likely demonized them and wondered what was wrong with them.

You likely told all your friends and family that you were being tortured and couldn’t handle the nastiness of the relationship.

It was our flaws but we made the person in the mirror responsible, not realizing that we were ultimately the ones in the mirror.

No point beating up ourselves about this now.

You can’t change the past.

You can reflect on it.

You can inquire about what were the things you missed looking in the mirror.

You can take responsibility for it.

You can get to work on improving those things.

I’m going to share what one of the biggest shortcomings/flaws that our ex’s mirrored back to us next week.

In the meantime, what did your ex show you about yourself?

What did you need to work on?

What are your skeletons?

What did you see in the mirror?

Hit reply and let me know.

And of course, if you’re not on the V-team email list, get on it please 🙂