Weekly messages to help you start over in life


(Join 3,000+ wise subscribers)

Should You Stay Friends With Your Ex?

by Vishnu

friends with ex

I haven’t spoken to my ex in 5 years.

I haven’t texted her in 4 years.

We haven’t emailed each other for a couple of years.

Do I want to contact her? Occasionally, yes, but mostly, no!

There’s nothing else for us to talk about.

Everything we’ve ever wanted to say to each other we said over the course of our rocky marriage. We said it during the divorce and we said it in our parting conversation.

I wouldn’t consider her my enemy, either. Quite the opposite. I consider her a friend – a soul-friend, even – whom I don’t communicate with.

I’m grateful to her in immeasurable ways! She helped me become the person I am today. She inspired me to become a new man. She was part of a life-shattering experience (our divorce) that broke my life wide open. She helped me grow up emotionally. She encouraged my writing. Polished my soul.

I’m grateful beyond words and I send her blessings, but I don’t feel that we have anything more to talk about.

Speaking now serves no purpose. Although it’s been 5 years, the feelings could still be raw, the emotions still fragile, the conversation still strained.

Or worse, I could still have feelings for her and fall head-over-toe for her again with one word.

I’m not willing to take the risk. I’ve closed my heart and my life to this past relationship.

So, should you stay friends with your ex?

If you share a child together, you don’t really have to choose. By default, you’ll have to communicate with your ex. And in a co-parenting situation, you’re much better off being cordial and friendly than enemies.

But still, should you be friends with your ex?

Well, the bottom line is this (and I’ve written more about this topic in 10 Sacred Laws of Healing a Broken Heart. If you’ve just come out of a relationship, you’ll likely want to get back together with your ex and will find any excuse, even under the guise of friendship, to do so.

If you’re trying to heal and get over your ex, no relationship is the best relationship. There is nothing you gain by staying in touch. You’ll simply keep the flames alive.

You’re better off emotionally and mentally parting ways. It’s difficult to move on after a long-term relationship or marriage, but moving on starts with not communicating and with letting go. This means not maintaining a friendship – or any relationship – with your ex.

You should stay friends with your ex only when you have no feelings for each other, when your relationship has completely ended and when both of you have moved on with your lives.

If you can’t put aside the emotional, psychological, mental and sentimental feelings for your former lover, don’t stay friends with him or her.

Staying friends with your ex only complicates your life, extends the pain and misery and prevents you from moving on.

Caveat: In some atypical cases in which you and your partner get along, yes, you can do the friendship thing. However, if you’re coming out of an intense and challenging relationship, which describes many relationships that end, I’d advise against it.

Choose friendship when the feelings are gone. Until then, choose sanity and part ways.

Interested in healing your heart? Pick up my book, 10 Sacred Laws of Healing a Broken Heart, on Amazon today. 

Photo credit: Unsplash