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Why Is This Happening To Me?

Why Is This Happening To Me?

whyisthishappeningtome

“Why is this happening to me?”

“Why me?”

“What did I do to deserve this?”

You’re a good person. You did all the right things. You played by the rules.

You are kind, generous, spiritual, giving and helpful. You have always tried to do the right thing. You’re one of the good guys.

So why is love playing such a cruel game with you?

Why does your life feel like complete chaos, as though it’s in shambles?

As you’re going through the pain of a divorce, the sorrow of heartbreak and the grief of a family torn apart, you’re likely asking yourself what went wrong. “Why is this happening to me?”

I certainly asked these questions as I went through my own separation and, ultimately, my divorce.

As you might imagine, I asked myself a lot of questions. Not only “Why is this happening to me?” but “Why is God punishing me?”

I was going through so much turmoil and heartache, I wondered if there was even a God. And if there was a God, was he listening to me? (Those questions, by the way, led me to write a book, titled, appropriately, Is God Listening. You can pick it up here.)

But today, I want to explore the question, “Why is this happening to me?”

If you’re going through heartbreak, divorce or separation, or if you find yourself in a court battle for your children, you’re likely asking this question.

If tears pain you, sleepless nights make you groggy and heartbreak makes you numb, consider the following thoughts as you ask yourself, “Why is this happening to me?”

1)   Some questions have no answers.

Asking why something is happening to you is similar to asking why you were born in a certain country or to certain parents, or why someone got a certain disease or sickness.

Folklore, mythology, astrology and our parents want to find an answer, but not everything has an answer.

There may not be an answer, and even if there is one, it may not help you deal with the pain.

Resign yourself to the fact that there may not be an answer to this question and that this is okay.

Confront what life deals you. You don’t have control or the ability to influence what shows up in your life.

2)   Choose a more empowering answer.

Let’s say that you still insist on getting an answer to this question.

You have many options in terms of how you can address it.

You can pick disempowering answers like we do in India – It’s your fate. It’s your karma. It’s your “time.” It’s your astrology. It’s your bad acts from a past life.

You can imagine that it’s because you did someone wrong or hurt someone in the past.

Or you can choose more helpful and empowering answers.

This is happening to you as a means of fostering spiritual growth.

Your breakup is happening so that you can set your ideal life into place.

Your divorce is happening to clear up the rubble in your life and to bring you to your soulmate.

You must get through this rough patch to achieve clarity, growth, insight, self-awareness and future happiness.

You are learning to embrace change and working on the art of surrender.

These life happenings are occurring to help you become the best version of yourself.

3)   Which of your expectations are not being met? 

Another activity is to question which of your life expectations are not being met because of your breakup.

You imagined your life a certain way and had certain expectations and outcomes that you, your family, your community and your culture shaped.

Everyone expected that you would do things a certain way and live a certain way.

Now that things are falling apart, life no longer seems in your control.

What is it you imagined for your life? What did you expect to have?

How is this current situation disappointing your expectations and desires?

Hopefully, you’ll come to see that it’s not the current situation itself that’s a problem in your life – it’s your unmet desires and expectations.

Not getting what you want – or, possibly, resisting the current situation – is the cause of your current pain.

4)   How is this circumstance serving your highest purpose?

Instead of asking why this is happening to you, ask how this experience will transform your life and lead you to your highest purpose.

If you were put on earth for some reason, and I believe you were, how will this experience help you realize your highest potential?

I truly believe that heartbreak, divorce and struggles are setups for breakthroughs that help us find our purpose.

Your job now is not so much to survive the breakup, but to come through it as a new person and to discover what it is you’re here for.

5)   How do you get through the intensity of your experience and the ups and downs of daily living?

Now is not the time to ask, “Why me?”

It’s time to figure out how to get through this roller coaster of a situation you’re in.

To come up with a strategy, an action plan and day-to-day activities that help you get out of bed and get through the day.

Time to separate your stuff, find a place to live and have some stability in your life.

Now is the time for legal paperwork and signing on the dotted line.

Time for self-care, healing and recovery.

6)   Who do I need in my life for support and guidance during this time?

You don’t have your ex in your life, so you might feel like you have no one.

That sure was the way I felt when I was going through my divorce – like I didn’t want to share the weight of my problems with the people who loved me.

In my case, the people who loved me were not always very constructive in their help, so there’s that. They were trying to sabotage the divorce and were insisting on us staying together. While their intentions may have been good, the effect was harmful.

So, naturally, I kept away from them.

But there were others who would have easily supported and helped me during this time. I should have relied on them more.

I did have a counselor who offered help.

God certainly helped, and my faith became much stronger during this time.

As much as we like to think we’re action heroes, we’re not. We’ve been able to keep it together most of our lives, but during these difficult days, we need help, support, love and encouragement.

Reach out to the people in your life who can help you, support you and be there for you.

7)   What choices are in my power? What control do I have in my life?

You might not be able to change the circumstances or anything that stems from those circumstances.

What is in your power is the way you react to what’s going on around you.

You can’t do anything about the fact that your husband left you for someone else. You can, however, get your house in order, work on your legal affairs and start transitioning to a life on your own. You can move toward a place where you’re emotionally and financially stable so that you can meet new people.

You know that famous Viktor Frankl quote? “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”

This applies to your life now.

You have the tools, skills, abilities and life experience to handle the circumstances in front of you.

You might feel crushed and unmotivated by the gravity of the situation, but your resilient spirit will help you find a way out. You can put together a plan, take affirmative steps toward healing and get through this crisis!

You can’t get out of the place you’re currently in, but ask yourself: what can you do today that will help you improve the situation?

8)   Who do I need to shine the light for? How is this situation preparing to be of service?

I want you to think about this as the storms rage in your life.

You’re going to come out of this experience and you’re going to come out of it stronger than you were when you went in.

Every lesson you’re learning, every battle you’re facing and every struggle you’re overcoming will serve a purpose.

Your life, your lessons and your resilience will be the guideposts and lights for someone else.

Keep this in the back of your mind.

You are currently a student of struggle, but one day you will be a teacher.

Your story might become a book, a blog, a movie, a play.

Your story might affect someone who hears it and becomes inspired.

Your story can be a reminder to your kids, who will recall what you went through and use the situation to keep them going when their own lives get difficult.

You never know who is going to experience inspiration, hope or empowerment because of the fact that you simply lived your life and survived your current situation.

During your darkest hour, you can continue grappling with that question – “Why is this happening to me?” – or you can ask yourself more empowering questions.

Think about who can support you, how you can survive and what you can do every day to get through your current circumstances.

At the same time, consider how this situation is serving your highest purpose and who you’ll be able to help by making it through.

Imagine, if you can, that this gargantuan life shake-up isn’t here to bring you down and ruin you, but to serve you and lift you higher.

Once you get through the storms, clear skies and sunshine await.

If you would like to learn  more about the book I wrote, Is God Listening, click here.

*Photo credit Splitshire

The Shocking Truth About Arranged Marriages

https://vimeo.com/40083724

By Razwana Wahid

She’d tied me to a chair.

My hands were clasped together, pulled tight behind my back.  A dirty rag stuffed into my mouth. A dimly lit lamp swinging slowly in the background.

I’ll only untie you if you agree to marry him”, she hissed. “We’ve given his family our word. You can’t break it.”

I closed my eyes and imagined my life 5 years in the future.

If I went for Option A – agreeing to the arranged marriage – I saw a thug of a husband, 3 children I didn’t want to have with him, and a life comprised of cooking his meals and washing his clothes.

And Option B? Implied saying no to the marriage, running away from my family, and in constant hiding from the ruthless bounty hunter at my heels.

Neither was appealing. But a decision had to be made.

And so, with a heavy heart and pangs of guilt, I slowly nodded my head. My eyes filled to the brim with tears. I reluctantly prepared myself for the future.

What do you think? Is this really how my marriage was arranged?

Thankfully not (my life isn’t half as exciting as a scene from Homeland).

And yet? This is pretty much what the majority of the Western world assumes – that marriages in the Indian and Pakistani community are arranged because one party (or both) is forced into a decision.

That neither the guy, nor the girl, set eyes on each other before the wedding day.

And that every girl getting dressed in her bridal clothes hopes she looks like Deepika Padukone in the photos.

(OK, so the last one’s kinda true).

The arrangement of my marriage was pretty simple.

I knew who my husband-to-be was. So, we hadn’t dated for 2 years and I didn’t know his shoe size, but I did know his favourite cricket player – that was enough, right?

My mum sat me down and asked if I was happy to marry him. Her jaw dropped to the floor when I said yes. The shock was so profound that she asked me twice again, in complete disbelief, just to make sure I hadn’t completely lost my mind.

I hadn’t.

What I had lost, however, was my dad. Three days earlier.

And when my mum asked me if I’d marry this man, I couldn’t bring myself to say no.

She’d just become a widow. I could see the pressure she was under from her family to make a decision about the future of her children.

You have to marry your children soon, her relatives pressed. Your husband died and who knows how quickly you’ll go. You can’t leave them alone.

The principle of loss-aversion at work, folks.

My mum had become a widow too young. The last thing I wanted to do was break her heart further.

So I agreed to the marriage.

Not because I loved him, or even knew if I liked him … but because I realised that I was young, too. If the marriage worked, then I’d found my partner early and could finally stop agonising over whether my phone was broken because that cute guy who asked for my number three days ago? Still hasn’t called.

And if the marriage didn’t work, I was young enough to start over.

So I went into it. With my eyes fully open.

It was the moment that defined my transition from child to adult.

I realised truly how in control of my life I was. It hit me, square in the face, that my decisions were mine to make. The consequences were clear to me, and they were mine to live.

Even if, as some people later told me, I was being emotionally blackmailed. Even though my dad’s death was being exploited to force a decision from both me and my mum.

The decision, at the end of it, was still mine.

I see a lot of people in the Indian and Pakistani community talking about how they don’t want to bow to family pressure and marry someone they don’t love. And yet, this is what they feel they must do.

My advice to you? Is to stop whinging, and be brave.

Ok, so your parents won’t be impressed that instead of agreeing to marry Rahul, the sprightly, young pediatric surgeon from the finer part of town, you’re busy swapping doe-eyed dreams of beach holidays and white picket fences with Mark from college.

But if this is your decision? Have conviction in it.

If this is what you really want? Use this belief to fuel your next move.

But Razwana! I hear you cry from way over the Atlantic. How can I tell my parents that I’m shattering their dreams and defying their every wish for me? They’ve done so much for me! I can’t let them down like this!

What about all the shame I’ll bring on the family for choosing someone they don’t want me to marry?

What if they don’t let me see my siblings ever again? Or even step into the house? What then? And what if they disown me?

What if, indeed.

The thing with those pesky little what-if’s? Is that they rarely happen.

The decision you make isn’t about whether you marry this person or that:

It’s about the person you want to be

Do you want to be the person who takes action from what they feel in their gut to be true?

Or do you want to be the person who knows what they want, but decides to do what they’re told because it’s the easy route to take?

And that is the easy route.

The tough route? Is making a decision for you, despite what everyone around you will think.

It’s being aware of the consequences ( -> different to being happy with them) of your decision, and moving forward anyway.

It’s about being brave and standing up for your beliefs.

As for me – my arranged marriage went ahead. I didn’t look like Dipika Padukone in my bridal outfit, but I did feel like a million dollars.

But did my marriage last?

Well that, my friends, is a story for another day.

Razwana Wahid: Killer content copywriter and founder of Relentless Movement – A copywriting service for entrepreneurs who want to write bold and sell big. Lose the headache of writing your Home Page, About Page and Services page and get the no-brainer templates here.

To pick up Vishnu’s book, Arranged Marriage: Run to the Altar or Run for Your Life, click here. It’s available for free on July 20th and July 21st, 2015.