by Vishnu | Dec 13, 2015 | Love and Relationships, Vulnerability
https://youtu.be/bFgZMe7mHgg
“Loving can heal. Loving can mend your soul.” Ed Sheeran
It’s officially been four years.
I’m still here. You’re still here.
All of us – survivors of divorce, heartbreak and heartache – are still here and still standing.
Some of us are barely here, but we’re still here!
Over the past four years I had gone out of my way to close off all the personal relationships in my life.
I stayed behind my fort, my moat, my castle of unscalable walls so that I wouldn’t have to open my heart to anyone.
I liked being there – hidden, closed and impossible to hurt.
Until I had an awakening – until I started questioning my beliefs and becoming more mindful of what I was doing.
I had used one dramatic experience in my life – heartbreak and a marriage gone wrong – to make up my mind about all relationships and love in general.
To me, love registered as painful, life-crushing and destructive.
It was my reality, my experience and my journey until I realized – exactly – that it was my experience, my reality and my journey which gave me the power to change how I viewed these past events in my life.
Yes, I could stay in the self-created prison of sabotage and loneliness or I could break through, throw off the shackles of heartbreak and stand up again.
See, when I was a recluse, holed up and walled-in, heartbreak won.
When I decided, by free will and choice, that my past was no longer going to imprison me, love won.
And you know what’s really motivating me to love again?
Why I signed up for those dating sites, why I said okay to meeting women my family has been introducing me to and why I said okay to blind dates? Why I even responded to a woman my brother’s landlord tried to set me up – in another state?
Why yes to love?
Because here’s what I’ve found by opening my heart to love again – as Ed Sheeran points out in this soulful song above, love may hurt but love also has the ability to heal. And mend your soul.
You can do two things after divorce and heartbreak: 1) run away, hide and never love again; or 2) grieve, heal and open up your heart to love again. And in loving, find that you can heal your heart by loving again.
By opening your heart, you allow it to piece itself together. All those broken pieces gather and join back together. Your heartbreak has allowed your heart to grow and become fuller.
So, that’s why I need to love – and that’s why you need to love.
You need to take down the walls.
Let go of all the false beliefs. Let go of the anger and the bitterness you may be harboring toward your ex.
Believe that love is possible again and believe that love can help you heal.
Your heartbreak was experience, and the more you do something, the better you get at it.
The more we learn about what didn’t work, the more we can learn what does.
The more insight we have about ourselves, the more we can share with others.
You don’t have to wait for anyone to love you.
You don’t have to wait for some kind-hearted, compassionate, caramel-skin Indian woman who’s in her 30s, in the five-foot height range, into yoga and working as a pharmacist to fall in love with you – I mean, of course if you know that person and she’s in Southern California, dial the number 909-263-5463 as soon as possible. No, that’s not my personal cell phone number which I’ll pick up in one ring.
What were we talking about?
Oh yeah, you. And love.
And why you need to love again.
You need to love again. It doesn’t have to be romantic love, either. And you don’t have to wait for someone to love you.
Loving again means the following:
1) Making peace with your past.
Forgiving those who hurt you and forgiving yourself for your mistakes in your past relationship.
2) Saying whatever needs to be said for closure.
Don’t say it to your ex – write it down or say all those things you wanted to say but couldn’t, out loud to someone you trust. Say those things that will give you closure and help you move on with your life.
3) Start loving those around you.
The people who are close to you – friends, family, colleagues, neighbors and anyone who needs some love. What does loving look like? Read this post here, which describes ways to cultivate relationships and take action on love. Loving someone doesn’t have to be in the romantic sense – loving is simply giving, sharing and making connections.
4) Confront your disempowering and negative beliefs about love.
You likely have strong love blocks that you should examine. What are those beliefs or feelings that are preventing you from loving again? What are you going to do to work through them and to let go of disempowering thoughts?
5) Practice opening your heart.
Put yourself in situations that allow you to open your heart and give to others. Feel compassion and sympathy for people around you – donate your time or energy to improving their lives.
Practice saying yes to things that scare you when you want to say no.
Visualize what a loving and supportive relationship looks like and be open to that.
Be open to loving yourself – be compassionate to yourself and kind to your thoughts and the demands you have of yourself.
6) Take small steps of courage on the daily to be vulnerable.
Vulnerability is saying that you’re looking for someone new in your life.
Vulnerability is putting up your dating profile. Vulnerability is uploading your photo. Vulnerability is telling someone you like them. Vulnerability is sending an email to someone you’re interested in. Vulnerability is responding to a message. Vulnerability is saying no. Vulnerability is saying yes. Vulnerability is saying yes to coffee. Yes to meeting. Yes to sushi. Yes to a movie. Yes to your friend who’s trying to set you up. Yes to your family who wants to introduce you to a friend’s daughter.
For my book, 10 Sacred Laws of Healing a Broken Heart, click here.
by Vishnu | Jul 27, 2015 | Love and Relationships
By Christel Price
I’m an excellent runner, and I wish that I meant running in the sense of pounding the pavement. Unfortunately, exercise is not my specialty; rather I’m a pro at running away from things that scare me.
It took a lot of soul-searching before I realized that I played the main role in ensuring that I kept my single status. We can look at our lives and come up with a massive list of reasons why we don’t have the things that we want. There was a time when I felt that a lot of the reasons that I was single were external.
I would tell myself:
“He’s not good enough”
“I can do better”
“I just haven’t met the right person”
“When I meet ‘the one’ everything will be easy”
“It’s his fault things didn’t work out”
Only in hindsight do I realize that he probably was good enough, that we make a choice as to whether or not the person is ‘right’ for us (because love at some point becomes a decision), that no relationship is easy all the time and it has often been my fault that things didn’t work out.
Often we are our biggest obstacle. We are in our own way. If you are single and you’d prefer to be a part of the Couple’s Club, it’s important to understand the fears that may be holding you back. There are many aspects to finding someone that we can’t control, but there are also many that we do.
Your single status may have nothing to do with you, but it’s important to look at the fears that could be holding you back in case you are in your own way.
1. Fear of not being good enough
It’s human nature to feel that you aren’t good enough, to believe that you have to hide all the aspects of yourself that you don’t like in order to be loved. If we had to be perfect to be loved then love would not exist on planet earth.
The fear of not being good enough may be holding you back from a loving relationship, but as humans we are all flawed and that’s ok. You are good enough to be loved simply because you were born. Worthiness is your birthright.
2. Fear of being vulnerable
Opening yourself up to another human being is scary. What if they don’t like what they see? What if they reject you? Being able to be vulnerable is a massive part of any successful relationship. You have to allow someone else to truly see you, to witness the beauty and the mess, and have faith that they will love you regardless. Being vulnerable is hard, but some of the best things in life come as a result of being able to be vulnerable, including love.
3. Fear of putting yourself out there
If you don’t open yourself to love, you can’t be disappointed, right? Wrong. You will just be disappointed at yourself, for not taking chances to find love. You can’t expect that love will just find you. You have to do some of the work to give yourself to greatest chance of meeting someone who is right for you.
4. Fear of failing
What if you put yourself out there and you fail? The path to finding love is not always straight-forward. Most people know what it’s like to be rejected, or to make mistakes in love. Failures don’t need to define you; it’s what you do next that makes all the difference. If you do fail you can always pick yourself up and try again. It won’t be easy, but your future self will thank you.
5. Fear of getting what you want
Are you afraid of getting what you want? You may think this is a stupid question but in fact many of us are afraid of succeeding. It’s easy to become comfortable in your current situation because it’s what you know. If you were to put yourself out there and actually find someone it would mean having to change. In relationships you have to compromise and make room in your life for someone else. You may be afraid of this but would you prefer the alternative, being alone forever? My guess to that your answer to this question is no.
Are you an excellent runner? Is fear holding you back from love? We’ve heard it said before, awareness is the first step, and it is. Only once we become aware can we begin to take the steps needed to change.
It doesn’t matter if fear has dominated your life up until this point, what matters is what you do from this moment. One of the most beautiful aspects of being a human being is that it’s never too late to change. To free yourself from your past and move away from fear, towards love.
Christel Price is a writer from New Zealand and author of All By Myself: A Humorous Guide to Navigating the World When You’re Single. Christel has created a free video series which features humorous tips for single women here. Gain access to this free gift here. *Photo credit
by Vishnu | Jul 5, 2015 | Arranged Marriage, Love and Relationships
Would you ever consider an arranged marriage?
You know, a situation in which your parents, close relatives and I, let’s say, reach out to folks we know and see if we can find a suitable partner for you.
He’ll share your values, have the same interests that you do, cook, clean, do the dishes and take care of the kids.
He’ll support you emotionally, share the housework, and baby-sit while you’re at the spa.
Don’t worry; he’s not a player and he plans to stay with you for the long-term.
He is a professional, earns six figures, is sensitive, loves his parents and loves yours more.
What the *#&@)@(*@? Where the &#@*!)%?
How do I get in on this?
“Tell me the time and place and I’ll be there pronto,” you say as you tear through your closet to figure out what you’ll be wearing for this potential arranged marriage introduction.
Sounds intriguing, exciting and like a great way to meet a partner, doesn’t it?
Unfortunately, if you’re not Indian, Asian or Middle Eastern, or from another culture that practices arranged marriages, it’s difficult to get “in” on an arranged marriage.
It may sound like the best thing since all-you-can-eat Indian buffets, but unlike Indian buffets, arranged marriages aren’t available to everyone.
If you don’t come from a culture or tradition of arranged marriage, it’s unlikely you’ll find a family that will agree to marry its doctor-son to you.
But don’t fear; there’s hope for all of us here.
My experience with arranged marriage
My first marriage wasn’t arranged.
We met by ourselves thanks to the Internet, through nothing other than email.
A young lawyer and doctor from two entirely different parts of the world – me in California and she in Chennai, India.
Our email exchanges began with talk of philosophy and dreams, but quickly turned to romance and love.
It must have been only three months after we started talking when I got on a flight and flew around the world to visit her.
What happened after our meeting and marriage is a primary subject of this blog.
Our breakup and divorce were anticlimactic when one compares them to the romance and passion we initially shared.
We came from an arranged marriage culture, but our marriage wasn’t “arranged” in the traditional sense.
We were from the same community, or “caste” as people call it in India. We spoke the same language, were from similar social and religious backgrounds, and were a perfect match for each other.
The slight, or MAJOR, difference was that we met on our own, without a single family member involved.
Yes, our match satisfied all the requirements of our eventual marriage, but the fact that we had met on our own made our parents feel left out of the process.
Their whole lives, they had been looking forward to searching for, finding and interrogating the perfect match for each of us. They would have conducted background checks that rivaled Soviet intelligence – scoping out each candidate’s finances, education, health, compatibility and more.
Unfortunately, we deprived them of that excitement and instead created our own excitement by romancing each other!
Ultimately, our parents couldn’t say “no” because we were from the same community and shared the same traditional background.
We both felt like we had hit the lottery – we had cheated the system.
We had found love while satisfying our parents, grandparents, ancestors and all the divine Gods we worshipped.
Yes, it was love and marriage!
It wasn’t the traditional Indian marriage that I spoke of earlier, in which family and friends conduct a search, investigate the candidates’ families, introduce the potential spouses to each other, ensure the astrological signs align and make sure the couple is compatible.
In today’s modern world, cultures that still practice the tradition of arranged marriage will allow their marriage-age children to meet and say “yay” or “nay” to the proposed match. It’s not like it was in the olden days, when you showed up on your wedding day and married the person your family had chosen for you.
How can you apply arranged marriage principles to your own life so that you can attract a life partner?
Now let’s talk about you – a person who lives, dates and meets people in the more difficult world of a non-arranged marriage culture.
Maybe you don’t have the luxury of having a family searching for your king of hearts.
Or more than likely, you think it’s a batty idea to have your parents anywhere near your prospective spouse.
I once wrote a post about the benefits of arranged marriage, but I understand that if you’re not familiar with the tradition, you might not be able to see how it can work for you.
Don’t fear!
I’ve got you covered. I found a book that contains the many secrets of arranged marriages – secrets you can apply to your dating and love life.
It’s a book by former journalist and author, Reva Seth, aptly titled, First Comes Marriage: Modern Relationship Advice from the Wisdom of Arranged Marriages.
Seth interviewed hundreds of women from arranged marriage cultures who not only shared their experiences, but also their strategies and advice.
In addition to interviewing these women, Seth started applying their lessons, which led her to the man who would become her husband. She became engaged to him after the seventh time she met him in person!
“No, it wasn’t love (or lust) at first sight. It was actually the result of both of us having figured out what we were looking for in a partner, being at the same life stage, recognizing that the other person had the potential to have the qualities we wanted and then, as my husband describes it, exchanging over a hundred thousand words on e-mail” to confirm it, writes Seth.
Here are 5 arranged marriage secrets from the book, First Comes Marriage, that you can apply to meet the love of your life.
Secret # 1: Your man doesn’t have to be your best friend.
“Be realistic about the role of your life partner. Women in arranged marriages view their husbands not as their primary source of happiness or as a means of rescue, but instead, as life partners, friends, and people who will provide them with support, companionship, children, and a family life.”
The idea here is that your future partner and husband doesn’t have to be your everything. There is no “perfect guy” or “the one” who solves all your problems and fulfills your every need.
Seth accurately points out that women tend to have fairy-tale notions of a fantasy man in their lives. These unrealistic expectations make us think that we haven’t found the right person in our lives.
She suggests breaking up with the fantasy man in your life and getting more realistic about what you actually want.
You already have friends, colleagues, family and a support system. Continue letting them be a part of your life.
When you idealize a guy who you think will fulfill all your needs, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment because no one like that exists.
Instead, if you cease this stream of thought, the men you meet won’t continually disappoint you and you’re more likely to find someone who will be an ideal life partner!
Seth suggests thinking of your future life partner as someone who will enrich your life, but she advises against making him the center – the end all and be all of everything.
Secret #2: The “musts” are all that matter.
“These (marriage) musts aren’t something you find ‘out there’ or after lots of random dinners and movies out. They are values and lifestyle choices that you determine from ‘in here’ – that sometimes frightening place found deep within yourself.”
As you would with an arranged marriage, know what you’re looking for ahead of time.
There are certain “musts” that Indian parents look for before they introduce their son or daughter to another family. These “musts” include education, values, financial status, stability and a host of other factors.
Why not be more conscious about what your “musts” are?
As Seth remind us, “the men we date turn into the men we marry.”
So be more conscious about who you’re dating. Have a list, and write down the “musts” that you’re looking for. What must the guy you’re dating have? What are you looking for in terms of his values, role in the relationship, career plans and family background?
Think about your list, craft your list, write down your “musts” and look for men who meet those “musts.”
If you’re more conscious about your dating life, you’ll immediately strike out a bunch of guys who are nowhere close to what you’re looking for.
“Write down your marriage ‘musts’ and stick to them,” advises Seth, because once again, “the men you date become the men you marry.”
Secret #3: Be fully committed.
“Beware ‘one foot out the door’ and ‘something better’ syndromes. This type of thinking may feel practical, but it’s extremely damaging to a relationship. If you keep your options open and keep looking for a better situation, you’re likely to end up alone and empty-handed.”
In arranged marriage cultures, people date as though they’re looking for a partner for life. Not just for a few months or until someone better comes along.
Can you see how if you shift your mentality to full commitment you’ll stop hanging out with the deadbeats and players who pop into your life?
Commitment means assuming the person you’re going to be with is going to be there for the rest of your life. You’re not continually looking for something better to come along.
Like couples in arranged marriages, think of your relationship in the long-term perspective. Change your mindset toward total commitment with your partner and give up on the guys who stay around simply because you don’t want to feel lonely.
Change your mindset, your outlook and the words you use in reference to commitment. You must become commitment-ready (thoughts, mindset and words) to find a commitment-ready man.
Secret #4: Define romance on your own terms.
“Don’t believe the hype. Don’t let Hollywood, the media, or anyone else define what romance means. Romance comes in many forms and each person expresses it differently.”
Are you looking for a man who buys you chocolates and wines, who dines you and fulfills the Hollywood definition of romance?
Not only is this a bad way to find a partner, it’s extremely distracting from the real qualities and characteristics of your partner.
Marketing messages inundate us with stories of what romance is supposed to look like, but romance isn’t dinner dates, cruises, roses and fancy jewelry.
Romance, as described by the women Seth spoke to, can include a husband learning how to cook so that his wife can go back to school in the evenings. Romance can be baby-sitting the kids, or helping one of your siblings in need or doing the dishes every night.
If you judge a man by typical notions of romance, you’ll likely find that what you think matters in a relationship leaves you feeling disappointed or misled.
Don’t let romantic comedies and television serials dictate romance.
Choose to see romance differently – in how your partner cares for you and the sacrifices he makes for you. Value the everyday, small things – the gestures of romance that you easily overlook.
Don’t eliminate potential partners if they don’t fulfill the typical notions of “romance” that you have in your mind.
Secret #5: Family matters.
“A potential partner’s family should be a factor in your consideration of that person as a life partner. Whether we like it or not, all of us are affected by the circumstances and values of our relatives.”
It’s amazing how little people in the West care about their partners’ families.
This is one of the most important tips you can learn about arranged marriages.
See, in arranged marriages it’s all about the family because we believe that your family tells us a lot about you.
Your dynamics and relationship with your family will likely indicate how you show up in your romantic relationships.
Your family likely influenced your values, your beliefs and your view of the world.
Find a guy who shares the same values you do, but check out his relatives to see whether your families are compatible.
As much as you’d like to think you can make life choices independent of anyone else, you’ll soon realize that in a long-term relationship, families matter. You will spend a lot of time with his family and he’ll spend a lot of time with yours.
Doesn’t it make sense to see whether: 1) you’re compatible with his family and 2) he’s compatible and gets along well with his family?
His family and how he interacts with them will be telling in his relationship with you and the family you create together.
Well, you may not be able to get an arranged marriage, but these tips will help you win a man who will stick around for the long-term.
If you’d like to read more secrets from Reva Seth’s book, pick up a copy here.
Speaking of arranged marriages and books, guess what’s coming out next week? Yes, my own experience with love and arranged marriage.
Are you deciding whether you should have an arranged marriage? Or are you simply curious about arranged marriage culture? Either way, you’re going to love this entertaining and insightful read.
Photo Credit Jitbag
by Vishnu | Jun 14, 2015 | Love and Relationships, Vulnerability
by Priyanka Yadvendu
When I was twenty-four years old, I met a man at a bar on a girl’s night out. My girlfriends and I were about to leave the bar and head home. It was a normal night filled with drinking and dancing the night away.
As I came out of the restrooms, I locked eyes with a set of sparkling brown eyes. He stood a foot away and smiled. The alcohol pulsed through my body.
But even before I consciously knew, my soul knew. My heart commanded me to not go anywhere and against my wishes, I smiled back.
He asked me to dance and we made small talk. I don’t remember anything about our conversation, except that I kept thinking how tall he was. He was six feet three inches. I am five feet tall and even with my heels, I felt like a dwarf.
We switched numbers. He called me and we went our first date. Everything that could’ve gone wrong went wrong. He suddenly changed the location of our first date minutes before I was to head to the restaurant. A band played loud music literally right in front of our table. I couldn’t hear a word he said.
After dinner, he paraded me across San Jose downtown in my brand new heels. My feet bled and we had to sit down at a park. (Several of these moments inspired key scenes in my debut novel Enchanted Silence!)
While sitting on that bench, we spoke about our views on marriage which would determine the fate of our relationship.
He confided he didn’t wish to get married. He came from a family of divorces and had mostly been involved in flings throughout his life. I revealed I saw myself being happily married with children in my future.
Despite our differing views, we kept on meeting and eventually fell deeply in love with each other. That day on that bench, neither of us could have predicted that.
We were perfect for each other in every way. We shared a love for adventure and possessed intellectual minds. We had a goofy sense of humor. We both even shared a fear of intimacy and commitment.
But four years later, that main difference wedged its way into our relationship. Today, I know we had to happen because I had to learn and grow from this experience.
Here are seven honest lessons I learned from falling in love with a commitment phobic man:
1. Don’t be afraid of being vulnerable.
I am uncomfortable expressing my emotions. I can be crumbling inside, but I will barely show it. Being the oldest in my family, I feel a sense of responsibility and commitment. It was ingrained in me that being emotional is not what gets the job done.
As a result, layers of emotion and pain were stuck energetically in my body. This carried into this relationship. I believed that I had to be guarded and hold myself together all the time.
If I cried or broke down in front of him, I believed he wouldn’t want me anymore. I would come across as weak.
But you cannot be truly intimate with someone until you learn to be intimate with yourself. Daring to show your true self is the key to a meaningful relationship and having a true connection.
2. Relationships are mirrors.
He had a deep seated fear of intimacy. That became blaringly obvious over the years. He would often cite divorce statistics and avoid the topic of marriage. I never knew too much about his childhood and the relationship he shared with his father.
He barely dropped the walls to let me in. But why had he come into my life? Although I wanted marriage and children in my life, I was terrified of commitment and relationships. I had drawn sturdy walls, too.
The difference was he was openly a commitment phobic and I was a closeted one.
Every relationship teaches you about yourself. This person is aligned to your soul and meant to stir different parts in you so you can turn inwards and clear your inner blocks and fears.
3. Love without attachment.
During this relationship, I had a pattern of striving for happiness and self-worth through him. When he called me, I felt happy. When he didn’t call me, my mood plunged. My state of mind completely changed.
I found that I started overanalyzing and over thinking. He does not like me. He is getting bored of me.
And then I would drive myself crazy on whether I should text or call him. Is it too much? Am I being lenient?
When he did respond to me, I would breathe a sigh of relief yet hold resentment towards him. And I would not express these feelings to him and instead become cold.
When you become your own source of love, you do not love someone else from a place of fear and attachment. When you want to express your feelings, you do it. When you want to text or call him, you do it.
When you want to show love, you do it. You don’t do these things expecting anything in return. You do it because that is your desire and this comes from a beautiful space within you.
4. Keep your ego out of the picture.
This one is tied to the previous point. My ego came into the way sometimes. When he didn’t call or show me love the way I wanted, my ego reared its ugly head.
I used him to validate my self-worth and when he didn’t respond the way I wanted, I became angry with him. I turned icy cold and shut him out.
I am not saying you must accept wrong behavior or let someone walk over you. Rather, be conscious that you are not perfect and neither is your partner. It’s about not judging yourself when you respond from a place of control, fear, or insecurity.
Peel the layers of ego off and instead be real with yourself. Observe yourself, ask yourself why you are responding the way you are, and do the inner work.
5. Is he capable of loving you?
During our relationship, he always treated me beautifully. I was blessed in this respect. Because of his support, I was able to realize my dream of writing a novel.
But because his fear of intimacy and commitment was greater than his love and respect for me, he was never able to drop his protective walls and let me in completely.
He kept me at a distance. This created emotional turmoil in me. I questioned myself and our relationship a lot. Though he was a good person, he didn’t love me the way I wanted to be loved.
When someone does not love you the way you want, it does not mean that person is not a good person. It means they have to sift through their own emotional baggage and clear their fear and blocks. And that is not your responsibility to fix.
6. Learn to receive.
Giving is an important part in a relationship. However, receiving is equally important. One of the most beautiful things I learned from him was learning how to receive. I was used to being the giver in my relationships with my loved ones and friends.
I found it difficult to receive actually. I remember he once remarked how I didn’t know how to take a compliment. It was a simple comment, but it stuck in my head.
I didn’t know how to receive because I did not know how to give love to myself. I didn’t know how to be intimate with myself.
If you have trouble receiving love, then start practicing becoming comfortable with opening yourself and receiving love. Treat yourself to a massage or favorite meal. Look at yourself in the mirror and compliment yourself.
7. Forgive and lead with your heart.
When you go through a challenging relationship, you want to just close your heart and shut off. But it is during this time that you must keep it open even more.
When you are walking around with anger and resentment towards that person, you are only hurting yourself.
If not for that person, you will need to forgive for your sake. It is the only way to move forward.
I took the time to process all my pain and anguish. I did whatever soothed my soul. I woke up several nights drenched in my sweat. I ate take out. I spent hours crying on the phone with my best friend.
Don’t try to avoid the pain. Dive deep in this process so you can fully heal yourself and keep your heart open. Because then you will be opening yourself up to beauty and love in all its forms in your life.
If you came out of a challenging relationship, keep your heart open. This was meant to awaken your soul so you can create an amazing relationship with yourself!
Priyanka Yadvendu is passionate about supporting women to listen to their enchanted silence to live an inspired life. Her upcoming book is Enchanted Silence, represented by Holloway Literary. To savor a peek of the first chapter and enjoy her free e-cards and helpful resources, visit http://www.priyankayadvendu.com/
* Photo credit
by Vishnu | Mar 29, 2015 | Courage, Forgiveness, Love and Relationships, Present Moment
“Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be.” Sonia Ricotti
It’s not easy to love again after heartbreak.
I know because heartbreak has been my divine teacher.
And it’s taken me a very long time to come to terms with my breakup, accept my divorce and let go (mentally) of the person who occupied so much of my life.
It’s close to four years now and I FINALLY feel ready to move on.
Ready to let love into my life again.
Ready to open myself up again.
How I got here
When my marriage ended abruptly, my life began unraveling for a couple reasons. One, I loved my ex-wife, and despite our many challenges together, I was hopeful as ever of a love that would heal, transform and reignite. I felt it was only a matter of time before our differences would darken and our hearts would shine.
Two, my life unraveled because I couldn’t accept such a drastic change in it. Maybe I took love and marriage for granted. Or maybe I had the old-school version of relationships stuck in my mind – that relationships lasted no matter how challenging or tumultuous they were. The only solution, I believed, was to stay together and keep trying. And in the meantime, we had to keep working through the kinks.
Although divorce was what I ultimately came to accept, it was after much kicking and screaming on my part.
I didn’t want to let go of someone who I had come to see as part of me. Despite our differences, I had always felt soulfully connected to her.
Naturally, when she left, my soul felt empty and my life felt broken.
I went from a state of shock and pain to sadness and loss.
Much of this is chronicled in this blog, and much of what I’ve written describes how to come back from such dark and tragic places in our lives.
For me, the process of healing and letting go has taken place at a snail’s pace.
Over the past few years, my mind continued to replay the ups and downs of our relationship. Of course, during periods of grieving, your mind can hardly remember the downs.
You mostly remember the good times, the happy times and the joyful times.
I remembered the laughs, dreams and hopes we shared.
And every city or restaurant we had visited together triggered a reaction in me.
Every current conversation or movie triggered conversations and chatter of the past.
I saw her name everywhere and heard her name everywhere, including in magazines, books and movies.
I was clinging and holding on for dear life to this lost love. I felt that losing her was losing myself. This dying relationship felt like my own mortality.
It was not easy, as you know, to pick up the pieces, get through each day and move on.
The path back to myself has been long and treacherous. The path back to love has been fraught with tears, sorrow and sadness.
The path to moving on has required that I find the courage to let go of the past, accept the present and step into who I am today. The path to myself required that I put myself together after being completely broken.
It’s required that I stand up and step into my soul + my life.
If you have gotten out of a soul-crushing, life-crushing relationship and find yourself on the bathroom floor crying out to a God that doesn’t appear to exist, I bow to you and welcome you to join me on this journey to healing.
Your heart may be fractured, but your soul is about to emerge – stronger, more vibrant and more courageous than ever.
You may feel as though your breakup has shattered your life, but that doesn’t mean there’s no hope for living today.
To the contrary, if you go through this journey of healing you can find peace today, gratitude for what happened and joy in future possibilities.
Cracking open a fragile heart can unleash a timid soul.
You can become courageous again and be ready to open your soul to something new.
If you’re ready to let go and move on, let me take you through my own healing process.
9 ways to let go of your past relationship so that you can heal and open your heart to love again
1) Acceptance of what is.
For the longest time, I couldn’t accept heartbreak or divorce.
I had always believed our separation was temporary and that we would get back together one day.
Same with divorce. Even months and, I would say, years after the divorce, I thought there was hope for our relationship.
You might see this as positive thinking, delusion or denial.
See, heartbreak had caused so much personal pain that I just did not want to accept it as true. The divorce had caused so much emotional and family turmoil, I wished it would simply go away.
I was really fighting change and uncertainty – it was the first time in my life I felt like I had no control over a situation. So I tried to remain positive, visualizing and dreaming our relationship back together.
Of course, what I was really doing was denying this reality.
When you’re in denial about something in your life, you can’t move on.
When you refuse to accept uncertainty or events that are out of your control, you’re going to remain stuck.
If you’d like to move on from heartbreak, or anything really, surrender to the situation – let your life feel out of control for a bit. Trust that it will get better and that you’ll see light down the road, even if you’re in darkness now.
You may not know how to get out of the torture you’re feeling, but now there is a way out. It will come together as you go through the healing process.
Allow your intuition to shine the light and lead the way while healing.
Sometimes acceptance and surrender require simply standing back and not doing anything – not resisting or denying what you’re experiencing.
It’s acknowledging your situation as it is. It’s sitting with it and accepting it without an answer or action plan.
2) Showing up to grieve.
You don’t have to hide, deny, suppress or run from your emotions.
Allow them to unfold and wash over you.
Show up to grieve – face grief boldly and courageously.
There’s nothing to be ashamed of – you’re entitled to feel hurt, sad, angry, devastated or any other feelings you’re experiencing.
In my case, I felt an avalanche of emotions and feelings for a couple of years after the divorce. I didn’t make them go away or hide them.
Lots of tears, sleepless nights and therapy numbed the pain and helped me come to terms with loss.
Sharing the pain with others, although I didn’t do this much at first, definitely helped me carry the burden of the breakup’s pain.
Show up and face your grief.
There’s nothing to be ashamed of in feeling everything you’re feeling. It’s normal. It’s human. And again, if it’s overwhelming, reach out to your inner circle or professionals to help you deal with the emotional weight you’re carrying.
3) Taking responsibility
You can take on a bitter attitude your entire life and curse your no-good &$^&@#@ ex for the pain and heartache she caused or….
You can take responsibility for your part in the relationship.
For much of the earlier stages of my grief, I blamed my ex. She did this…or didn’t do this…Most thoughts concluded with the feeling that it was her fault and I was the innocent victim.
Of course, it’s never this way. Both sides in a relationship gone sour are at fault.
You don’t have to blame yourself for it, but instead accept responsibility for it.
And if you think there’s nothing at all wrong with you and it was all your ex’s fault, try to take a more objective view. If you still can’t, you may not be ready to move on.
I now realize that I was living unconsciously in my relationship. I’m not sure what I was thinking or who I was back then, but it wasn’t the person today who came out of that relationship.
I was living a life of ego, anger, unrealistic expectations, control and non-communication.
I can justify all these things in my life and blame these many character flaws on others (hi parents!), or I can choose not to and take responsibility for them.
Only when I began to realize what I had done wrong could I continue the healing process.
When I was dead-certain it was all my ex’s fault, I was stuck in my ego and my healing. I couldn’t move on until I took responsibility.
Once I started taking responsibility I could also stop playing the role of “victim.”
When you play the role of the “victim,” your view of the relationship and your steps forward are skewed.
When it’s all the other person’s fault and you feel like you did nothing wrong, you’re likely not being honest with yourself. And more importantly, you’re stopping yourself from moving on.
If you can’t admit that you had a part in how this relationship ended, you can’t go through the other steps of healing I describe below. You’re likely stuck on being “right” rather than choosing to move on.
The longer you choose the state of denial and blame, the longer it will take for you to heal.
4) Forgiving yourself.
Once you take responsibility for your part, be willing to forgive yourself.
The goal here isn’t to hold yourself up to some gold standard, criticize yourself or remind yourself how much you screwed up.
It’s to forgive yourself for acting and behaving in ways that were not healthy. You most likely didn’t know what you were doing and you’ve grown because of your unconscious behavior.
Once you realize it wasn’t healthy and you see your mistakes, you’ve given yourself the gifts of awareness, insight and growth.
When you forgive yourself and bathe yourself in compassion, you can let go of the hot coals of anger and resentment you’re carrying.
In order to forgive, you have to ignore what others have said to you about yourself and the internal story you’re telling about yourself.
If you feel blame and guilt, you have even more reason to forgive yourself.
You’re not perfect, you’re human.
Even if you broke up with the perfect person and it was all your fault, forgive yourself. You have learned, grown and become the person who can do better the next time.
5) Forgiveness and saying thank you.
Harder than forgiving yourself is forgiving your ex.
Actually, you not only need to forgive your ex, but everyone else you blame in the relationship – his friends, her family, your parents, her parents and anyone else you believe bears responsibility for the parting of ways.
Forgiving isn’t easy and you’re never going to reach the ideal place of forgiveness. Forgiving when it feels right won’t work because it will never feel right.
Forgiveness is a process – one that, if you’re to reap the benefits, requires your participation.
You forgive even if you don’t want to. It’s true what they say about forgiveness – ultimately, forgiving others is a way to let go of the resentment and anger within. You’re really forgiving for yourself.
Set an intention to forgive.
Then write a letter (which you don’t send) to your ex, forgiving him or her for all the person’s wrongs and hurtful actions toward you. Forgiving your ex for breaking your trust, breaking your heart, taking advantage of you.
Forgiveness is a miracle-inducing action that will allow the vibrancy of the pain you’re feeling to subside.
One of the first things I did in my journey to healing was to forgive my ex. I didn’t want to at the time, but I forgave anyway. And I continued forgiving her throughout the healing process.
After you begin your mission of forgiveness, you can truly heal by becoming grateful to this former person in your life.
Once you see how he or she transformed your life and improved your being, you can’t help but be grateful. Express that gratitude by writing or sending a silent wish to the person.
I am more grateful to my former wife today for our relationship.
Although our relationship was a struggle, it broke open the floodgates to conscious living, finding my truth and myself (even my purpose). It has led to my greatest personal development, character development and spiritual awareness.
This relationship broke my heart wide open so that I could see my soul and, today, live from this place.
I am thankful.
6) Bringing yourself back to the present.
When you have suffered a breakup and are trying to get over it, something that sabotages your recovery is living in the past – which I did a lot of.
As I’ve talked about, my resistance to change and my inability to accept life events made me want to go back and relive the glory days of our relationship.
I thought constantly about all the good times, the shared laughs, the highlights and the happy times. I longed for a time and day that no longer existed.
When you get in the habit of living in the past, though, the negative and painful times also pop into your mind.
Imagine living a life that has nothing to do with today. I was doing that for a couple of years; continually reliving the past because I felt safe there and took comfort in knowing that my future life could be like my past life.
I was being nostalgic and sentimental; I had a better sense of myself in the past.
Who was I, after all, without my ex and my past?
Letting go of past living is scary, but so essential to moving on.
Life is beautiful, rich and filled with so many lovely experiences. You can’t really experience the beauty of life if you’re not here at this moment.
Catch yourself going back to the past and become aware of your tendency to daydream about the good days.
Pay attention and create present moment awareness in your life.
Think of your past as a movie, with scenes flashing into your mind, but try to avoid jumping back into those scenes and reliving them.
You’ve already suffered enough. By not living in the present moment, you’re allowing your past relationship and your ex to repeatedly harm you.
Choose yourself. Choose today. Choose the present moment.
7) Soul lessons. Life lessons.
As you move forward, don’t forget the lessons of this relationship. And the lessons from life’s lowest point.
If you haven’t learned any lessons, don’t rob yourself of the opportunity to grow and gain more insight.
As you take responsibility for your part, what have you learned about yourself?
What do you need to change? What do you need to let go of? How do you live more in alignment with your true nature? How do you live a more authentic life? How do you connect and relate to other people? How can you communicate better?
Ask yourself these questions and get curious about how to make improvements in your life and future relationships.
Life has taught you a heavy but invaluable lesson. Do life and your former relationship justice by walking away from it with wisdom.
Ask yourself what the relationship was here to teach you and glean the answers from this question.
8) Cultivate compassion and love.
As you come back to the world of new relationships and new possibilities, cultivate more compassion and love in your life. First, for yourself.
Learn to have a passionate affair with yourself (I wrote this manifesto about how to do so) so that you’re embracing your darkest parts and your wounds.
Don’t beat yourself up over what happened. Treat yourself as you would your gentlest and kindest friend.
Allow love to infuse the thoughts, emotions and feelings in your life.
Establish a spiritual practice to help you generate love from your internal being.
From your inner core, imagine love spreading outward toward others. Imagine love from within expanding from you to the entire world.
Breathe in compassion. Breathe out anger. Breathe in compassion. Breathe out judgment.
Breathe in love. Breathe out the past. Breathe in love. Breathe out the pain.
9) Step into your life with courage.
Once you accept what happened, go through the healing process and are ready for a comeback, be ready to step out of your broken heart and into your life.
What I mean by this is to embrace everything that has happened to you and then find the courage to move forward.
Find the courage within for each step of the journey toward healing and then the courage to come out of healing.
Take small steps toward living a new life. Small steps in saying “yes” to coffee and “yes” to meeting new people.
Small steps in reacting differently to people, in changing your past behavior and in improving who you are as a person.
Yes, your past happened – own it – but the future is happening now and you can write how that goes.
You’ve come out of heartache and failure – you know what it’s like to be at life’s low point, but this has certainly prepared you for life’s glory days.
You’ve experienced crisis. Now you’re ready for brilliance.
Coming out of your shell to meet your best life takes courage. Take those small steps of courage to live an inspired, love-filled and soul-rich life.
Did you enjoy this post? Please share it with your friends and family who have experienced heartache and are trying to move on.
* Photo credit.
