Kajal Pandey, Transformational life coach and truth teacher
I hope you enjoy this video above and the important questions Kajal asks us to ask ourselves in order to improve the relationship we have with ourselves.
I had also asked Kajal share the Dear Beloved: Love Letters to Yourself project she’s created below.
Here she is:
Three years ago in meditation an idea struck me, which was to write a love letter to myself.
Intrigued and willing, I decide to take it on as a 30 day challenge of writing daily love letters to myself.
Writing love letters to myself daily served as a practice of loving myself, but also greatly changed my perception of myself as it allowed me to know what was really going on in my inner world and how I felt about myself.
Inspired by that initial idea this workbook was born!
The workbook includes:
31 love letter prompts to help you understand your relationship with yourself, and actually improve it at the same time.
The tools of self-love that make loving yourself tangible and easy-to-do with complimentary exercises.
What self-love habits are and how to create your own self-love habits.
Affirmations as a tool to train your mind to focus on positive, life-giving thoughts about yourself.
A mini relationship with yourself quiz to help you get clear on where you are with yourself right now.
Plus bonus videos (10) on self-love topics and access to the a private facebook group to ask questions and support!
Kajal Pandey is a transformational life coach and truth teacher. She is passionate about guiding people into their inner world so they can create a life they love. She does this by teaching people how to embrace their darkness, unlearn who they think they are to remember who they really are in truth. You can learn more about here work here: http://www.kajalpandey.com
When my husband walked out the door and never came back, I thought I would never love again. I was 22 years old and believed that marriage was forever.
How could I even think of loving anyone else when I was sure I would never stop loving him?
About three months later, I met a man. He was nice and sweet, and we seemed to have a lot in common but something was off.
I never would have admitted it at the time but really, I used this man to help me forget my pain. I had nothing to give him but my brokenness. It was a rebound relationship. We dated on and off for three years but I could never commit like he wanted me to.
As much as I tried to make things work with this new individual, there was no way I could. I just wasn’t ready. I needed to heal.
There is something about divorce or a serious breakup that makes a person feel helpless, hopeless, defenceless. The person that you gave everything to: your secrets, your body and years of your life, has rejected you. There is no greater rejection.
You need to heal and you need to grieve before you can genuinely be there for another person. For me, it took ten years before I was truly ready to marry again and give myself fully to another person.
It won’t take everyone this long but we do need to heal before we are ready to enter something new, and give it our best. During the ten years between marriages, I was in two major relationships, both of which did not work out.
For one of those relationships, I couldn’t commit. For the other relationship, I chose someone who was very deceptive and unfaithful.
One reason it is so important to heal is because if you are not emotionally healthy, you can either hurt others (like I did in the first relationship) or be hurt badly by choosing someone inappropriate (like my second relationship.)
If you have recently gone through heartbreak, there are three things you need to rebuild as a newly single person to help you heal and become whole again.
1. Cultivate your strength.
When you were in a long-term relationship, you think yourself as part of a couple. The two of you made plans together, visited together, went out for dinner together.
Other people start to think of you as part of a couple, too. Instead of just being “Sally,” you are always known as “Sally and Joe.”
You are interdependent on another. This is not a bad thing – it is a healthy part of being a couple. When it all ends, however, that unity is torn apart and you are left feeling jagged and torn, like a part of you is missing.”
But through this process, if you allow yourself, you will discover something wonderful: you are stronger than you ever thought. If you quietly listen, you will feel a hidden strength that is emerging from having to endure this terrible crisis.
There is a voice from deep within that whispers: “You will survive. You will endure.”
That feeling that you are going to fall apart and die is powerful but it is only a feeling. The truth is that you are getting stronger. In fact, even when you are still heartbroken, still devastated, you will find that you can do far more than you thought possible.
2. Use your difficult emotions as motivation
When you go through a very painful breakup, you have a lot of mixed emotions. Part of you wants to curl up in a ball and never leave the comfort of your bedroom. Another part of you feels a sense of burning indignation at the betrayal and treachery you experienced.
This anger is part of the grieving process but it also has a good side because it can mobilize you to start something new, to forge forward. It can give you the energy to be able to move on.
After my second post-divorce relationship breakup, I was so depressed that it was hard to function. For many months, I felt no anger – just sadness. I was so sad that it was difficult to get through a work day or to have a conversation with anyone.
One evening, I was visiting with a lady who was also going through a separation and moving to a new province. She told me, “You have to get in touch with your anger. It’s there but you are just hiding it with this depression. Think about what this man did to you. It should get you angry and you need that anger to move on, to get yourself motivated.”
It took a long time for her words to sink in but she was right. I stayed depressed for a few more months but then I was finally able to get in touch with my anger.
When I did, I was really angry, and it scared me. I did not like to think of myself as an angry person but it was a necessary part of the grieving process. During that angry phase, I started to think about the future.
I was working an entry-level job at the time because I thought that was all I could handle with my depression. I started to reassess my skills and knew that I needed to get back into teaching, my previous career.
I started sending out resumes and within a month, had a new job teaching High School English. I had to travel 1000 miles away to get there but what kept me motivated and strong was knowing that I had survived this breakup and therefore, I could handle this new situation.
If you have just recently survived a breakup and are feeling angry, think about how you can use your anger for something good and productive.
Maybe you can pursue a goal you left behind during the relationship, like school or a new career. Maybe you want to renew old friendships that you neglected while being with your former partner.
You are in transition right now. You have survived this experience. If you are angry, take advantage of the energy your anger gives you to pursue your dreams again.
3. Rebuild your self-worth
After a divorce or serious breakup, you must rediscover, or even discover for the first time, your worth as a human being. You are worthy, no matter who does or doesn’t decide to be with you.
Growing up, I was not affirmed by my father. In fact, his anger often led to him yelling at his family and controlling our every action. Around my father, I always felt on edge and unsure of my worth. Without the affirmation of the male figure in my life, I looked for it from other men.
If you look to a romantic partner to affirm who you are, you are in trouble because you are putting the power in their hands for whether we feel good about yourself. If your man loves you, you are happy. When that same man doesn’t love you anymore, you are devastated.
Although relationships can be wonderful, they do not determine your worth. A single person is not worth less than a married person.
You are of extreme worth right now, just as you are.
Don’t look for another man to prove it to you.
One way to rediscover your worth is to rediscover your gifts. You have gifts and talents that no one else has that are needed in this world. Think back to who you were, before you entered this relationship.
Did you give up a dream, a passion? Use this time of newly-found singlehood to renew a dream or passion that was left on the back burner.
When I went to that teaching job far up North, being in the classroom energized me. I was teaching English literature, my passion. I absolutely loved leading the students in discussions and building into their lives.
The thoughts of this man were still there, sometimes at night, but they started to fade because I was so consumed with doing my best at the tasks that were in front of me.
If you are struggling with being unable to focus on anything but your ex-partner, right now, remember who you were before – that person is still there. Do something to move towards becoming more of the person you were meant to be.
To conclude, there are three things you need to find again after a breakup. You need to find your strength again. You need to get back your motivation, and you need to rediscover (or discover for the first time) your self-worth.
Sharilee Swaity and her husband live in the woods of Central Canada. She has just written her first book, Second Marriage: An Insider’s Guide to Hope, Healing and Love. Pick up her book on Amazon here (free for 48 hours). You can also keep up with her writing on her blog, Second Marriage, here.
The relationship is over but your past contains so much wreckage and rubble.
If your relationship was difficult, challenging and full of conflict, you’re not alone.
Likely, in the final days or months of your relationship or marriage, you both spent a lot of time tearing each other down.
After a long and conflict-filled relationship, you will doubt your own self-worth.
If you grew up having your family take shots at your self-esteem, your ex likely didn’t make it any better.
If your partner ended the relationship first and the breakup wasn’t mutual, you’re likely feeling worse about yourself than ever before.
Feelings of “not good enough” and “worthlessness” can consume your life.
This section from my newest book, Love Yourself After Heartbreak, will help you repair your self-worth and self-confidence.
7 Ways to Overcome Feelings of Not Being Good Enough
1.Being Aware. The first step to heal feelings of not being good enough is self-awareness.
Your ex might have destroyed your self-worth but if you dig a bit deeper, you’ll find that others sabotaged your self-worth as you grew up.
Who did? What did they do and how did their actions affect your self-worth?
If you can acknowledge the things that damaged your self-worth in the past, you have a starting point for the work and healing that you need to do. You know you’ll have to deal with the people who emotionally hurt you before – forgive them and come to terms with the hits to your self-worth.
Also, become aware of your belief system.
When things go wrong, what hurtful things do you say to yourself? When you disappoint yourself or make a mistake, what internal dialogue do you have?
The idea is to notice these thoughts and beliefs as soon as they pop up.
2.Prove your internal chatter wrong.
Observe your internal self-talk and how you’re putting yourself down.
Pick up on these remarks and prove those statements wrong.
If you’re telling yourself you’re not intelligent, remind yourself about your achievements and academic laurels.
If you’re telling yourself you’re useless, remind yourself about all the people you’ve helped and how many people appreciate you.
This is an active process of continuously rebutting the negative self-talk and self-criticism in your mind.
This internal chatter is simply a continuation of the attacks from people who ruined your self-worth as you grew up.
You heard others attack you and now you mentally attack yourself.
3. Rebut with positive affirmations, visualization
Not only acknowledge and rebuild this self-talk; actively replace the thoughts with more positive ones.
Some suggest the use of mantras and affirmations to feel more worthy.
You’ll know whether you find this helpful.
You can also visualize yourself in a state of worthiness and imagine what that would feel like.
How would you stand? How would you interact with others? How would you show up in the world? Continue to picture yourself in that state until you end up living in that state.
Visualize worthiness until you arrive at worthiness.
Replace your negative self-talk and improve your self-worth with words, emotions, images and beliefs of high self-worth. Take every opportunity to confront the negative view of yourself and substitute it with a positive one. Turn this into a daily practice.
4. Declutter your friendships and negative influences in your life
Another action is to see who is around you in your everyday life.
You may need a friend-and-family purge. Yes, in the ideal world you’re mature and strong enough to not let negativity bother you. If you’re already there, forget this step.
If you’re still struggling, take note of every person in your life, especially the people who make you feel terrible about yourself. Do whatever you can to reduce the time you spend with these people.
Stay as far away from them as you can.
If they live in the same house you do (for example, your parents), minimize the time you spend with them.
Create a negativity-free zone around your life and minimize the number of people who make you feel bad about yourself. This is not a permanent solution but a temporary strategy while you are working on your self-worth.
5. Doing good makes you feel good.
You feel good about yourself when you are doing things that make you feel good.
You will feel good when you take part in activities you do well in.
If you’re an expert in a particular area or the go-to person in your family for something, do more of that.
If you’re the family party planner, plan the party.
If you’re the creative one at work, do more creative work there.
If you’re the leader, lead.
Doing those activities you’re good at will make you feel better about yourself.
Soak in all the positivity, compliments and good wishes you get when you do those things you’re good at doing.
The other activities that make you feel good about yourself are those you generally like doing.
All of us have different healthy feel-good activities.
Drinking martinis or relishing carne asadas may be your feel-good activity but other things you do awaken your heart and bring your soul alive.
Which activities bring you bliss and happiness? Which activities challenge you?
Doing more of these activities will help you feel good about yourself. Spending more of your time in nature, gardening, surfing, going to the movies, shopping or whatever else brings you to a place of bliss – do more of that.
6. The expansive view of yourself
One more way to boost your self-worth involves the spiritual dimension.
Beneath your personality and outward appearance is the real you.
This is a person you hardly know or spend time with.
You have experiences as the “external” you who shows up in the world. You’re a sister, aunt, lawyer, friend, neighbor, etc. Everyone, including you, has a perception of who you are but you really don’t know who you are.
Getting to this person is getting to your essence.
Once you realize who you are and live from that place, you have the potential to live a highly worthwhile life.
When you’re living from this essence or your spiritual center, you no longer depend on other people’s values or perception of you.
How do you get there?
You slowly unmask and remove all the layers of who you are.
You detach from the different roles you play in the world, from family member to professional to parent, etc.
You become quiet and get into nature to see yourself as someone deeper and more spiritual than who you currently show up as. You get to the fiber of your being.
What do you do that helps you feel more soulful?
The church may be the last place that does this for you.
It could be as simple as spending time with your children or gardening.
Keep tapping into this spiritual realm.
Work on seeing yourself as part of the bigger spiritual fabric of the world.
7. Trust yourself more.
When you feel unworthy, you have no sense of yourself. You’re lost. You feel invisible.
To overcome these feelings of worthlessness, like you don’t exist, you have to not only get to your spiritual center as described above, but you have to get in touch with the wise inner person who resides within you.
You have a guide. You have a voice of reason and wisdom.
You have yourself. Call it your intuition, self-knowledge or higher self.
Within you is this all-knowing, all-wise person in majestic robes who knows what’s best for you.
This inner-person is guiding you but if you’re like me, you avoid, ignore and hardly acknowledge this voice of wisdom.
To live more in harmony with this voice and to raise your worthiness, listen to this voice more often.
Check in with this voice regularly and ask it to guide you in your decision-making.
You can read more about how to repair your self-worth in my new book, Love Yourself After Heartbreakhere.
Growing up is difficult, especially with a single parent who only wants the best for his or her child. Yet, that comes with its own stresses. Unfortunately, parents sometimes take out these stresses on the child.
Children with this repeated experience, especially females, are prone to dating distant and emotionally manipulative individuals as adults. To many people, who look at just appearances, emotional abuse is not abuse. Yet, the weight of the negative words from these relationships is heavy. I know that I carried my own baggage for years until I read more about post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) resulting from emotional abuse.
Though life continued happening to me, I was not an active participant. I’d lost the concept of what unconditional love meant. That’s where self-love became important—doing little things for myself. My radical realization about self-love was the fact that I existed and self-love resided within me. To exist means to be, and my journey to self-love focused on reinforcing that fact.
3 steps on my journey to self-love.
1.Feel Present In Your Body
One of the biggest things that helped me was developing a yoga practice. Yoga helped me feel the power and fluidity of my body, to feel present within my body. My yoga practice reduced my anxiety and lowered my blood pressure. My mind had always seemed fixated on someone else’s problems, and in my body I felt like I was floating through life. Yoga changed that for me.
2.Do More Than Just Survive
Those who recognize the powerful but sometimes subtle effects of abuse call you a survivor. While that should be a powerful word, it reflected the fact that I was letting myself barely scrape by. Where was my ambition and belief in myself?
It took time to find out what I was really interested in and to pursue those goals. Picking up hobbies and taking classes was a start. Acting classes empowered me to express myself by taking on the personalities of different characters. Yelling across a stage showed me the power of my voice. I kept track of my financial records and felt like a proper adult. The key is to stop living in survival mode. I look forward to the future, and I haven’t looked back with regret.
3.Get Your Sleep
I decided to do whatever it took to get a good night’s sleep, as I had no real sleep schedule. I wasn’t a night owl or early riser, sleeping for a few hours at a time.
Honestly, anxiety kept me up, and conquering anxiety is going to be a lifetime, uphill battle. Fortunately, this battle only reinforces the knowledge of my inner strength—how I experience emotion so very vividly and am able to empathize with others. Yet, that empathy and anxiety still keep me awake sometimes.
Yoga and meditation before bedtime is my evening ritual. For the last few years, I have kept a consistent bedtime. It’s important for me to spend at least five minutes writing down the complaints and “gunk” in my head. I write down at least one positive thing from the day, and go to bed thinking about that.
When my sleep wasn’t restful, the dreams I had were often disturbing. Fortunately, that changed when I learned better sleep habits to ease my anxiety. Dreams of literal battles or of showing up naked to class ceased; instead, they became dreams involving long hikes and finding myself in a beautiful location that no one else appeared to have disturbed.
It’s easy to be there for others. Why is it so hard to be there for yourself? You’re told so often that love means sacrifice. Does that sacrifice have to come at the expense of your individuality?
When you are so used to questioning your own personal power and validity, self-love seems like a fairy-tale you read as a child. It’s difficult to know and remember that self-love has been with you all the while, which is truly the most radical realization. Seeing it and owning it is self-kindness and self-awareness.
Channel this seedling of self-love positively, in all the little ways at first. If it’s yoga, do it. If it’s a passion that others have always trivialized, pursue it. Live!
Kacey Mya Bradley is a lifestyle blogger for The Drifter Collective. Her love for the world around her is portrayed through her visually pleasing, culturally embracing and inspiring posts. She writes an eclectic lifestyle blog that expresses various forms of style through the influence of culture and the world around us. You can also find her on Twitter, Pinterest and Instagram.
“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection”― Siddhārtha Gautama
“I’m a flop.”
“I loathe everything about me.”
“Nobody loves me. I’m not worthy of love.”
Have you experienced similar thoughts where you felt like you weren’t worthy or good enough?
You might have felt some of these emotions when you confronted traumatic life events at work, home or in your relationships.
You may have even had the recurring negative talk and thoughts of inadequacy when growing up.
Especially so if you grew up in a mob or KGB family. Or attended religious boarding schools with disciplinarian teachers!
Confronting my self-worth.
While I didn’t grow up in a mobster family or the KGB, I’ve had my fair share of self-hating reflections about myself.
Growing up, the barrage of critical and negative comments from family takes a toll.
There’s also no experience which tests a person’s self-worth like a divorce.
When someone who you love rejects you, you begin to feel like you’re inadequate and unworthy of love.
Like you’re not fit to be loved.
You’re not whole.
Broken. Damaged.
More than the breakup and separation, it were these reoccurring thoughts which filled my mind and my life. As time passed, my self-pity and sorrow turned more towards reaffirming self-loathing and hatred.
“Why would I want to live with myself when even my former wife didn’t?”.
I questioned and scrutinized myself with these unhealthy thoughts.
Of course, none of these thoughts were an accurate reflection of myself . They may have described how I was feeling in life but they were skewed and far removed from reality.
These were thoughts that I was expressing to myself because of some of the painful circumstances I was experiencing.
You may be going through something similar. Or you may have had emotionally scarring experiences and a rough childhood which created your negative self-image.
Self-loathing isn’t a permanent condition – you have the power to shift your mindset.
Thoughts of self-hatred and loathing can arise from painful life events. Or simply a recurring pattern from growing up in a negative and critical environment.
Such thoughts can come about before you slide into a state of depression. In fact, psychotherapist Drew Coster says “depression often happens when people feel like they’re not good enough, or a failure.”
Regardless of how these thoughts arise in your life, you can take action to turn around this self-imposed mindset of negativity.
Your thoughts and feelings are not etched in stone.
Instead think of them as rain drops sitting on the railing after a heavy rain. When the sun comes out, these raindrops, like your negative self-talk, have the ability to dry up quickly and evaporate.
A simple mind-shifting strategy to call out your negative self-talk and love yourself more.
Let’s start with this premise.
You don’t have to allow these thoughts which control your mind to control your life.
You can help boost your self-esteem to shift the tide of disheartening thoughts.
How do you develop self-esteem? According to Dr. David Burns, in the best-selling book, Feeling Good, The New Mood Therapy, says “you don’t have to do anything especially worthy to create or deserve self-esteem; all you have to do is turnoff that critical, haranguing inner voice.”
Here’s a very simple, yet powerful, mind-shifting, practice you can employ to turn the tide on the thoughts and feelings which arise from this emotional load you’ve been carrying around.
1. Identify these thoughts of worthlessness you may be experiencing.
Catch those irritating critters like how you would pursue pesky mosquitos: patiently and mindfully.
Self-reflection, journaling, talking about your thoughts to a friend or professional, and mindfulness practices are some ways to come to observe and recognize your negative thought patterns.
As these thoughts arise, acknowledge them by writing them down.
2. Examine and evaluate your thoughts about yourself.
Are these thoughts and feelings valid? Ask yourself, “what if this thought wasn’t true?”
Look at these thoughts objectively – are the negative thoughts valid? Or are they simply inaccurate reflections created by your past?
You may have performed poorly in a task or had a failure at work, but does that make you an overall failure at life?
You could have bombed your last interview for a job but, does that mean you’re incompetent and not hireable by any company?
Play devil’s advocate with these negative thoughts to question their validity.
3. Challenge the thoughts and feelings you’re experiencing.
Counter your thoughts. Challenge them.
For the thought, “I’m good at nothing”, counter with, “well, I successfully navigated to work and back, completed my job duties on time and effectively completed another day at work.”
For the thought, “No one likes me,” think about the friends you do have, the solid relationships you have cultivated and the people who enjoy your company.
When you think you’re not worthy or deserving of love, counter with the thought that you were born as a bundle of love. You were loved unconditionally as a baby, loved by many people in your life since then and have many people today who love you.
You’re both capable of receiving love and giving love.
Look for any small or large achievement of the day to show yourself that you’re not what a self-defeating thought is rattling to you.
View these thoughts through a lens of gratitude instead of lack and negativity.
This practice can be a challenge because your conditioned mind and emotions will try to prevent you from embracing more positive and loving thoughts. Your mind can feel uncomfortable experiencing something new and positive.
If you can’t carry out this exercise on your own, seek the assistance of a trusted friend to help you examine and challenge self-defeating thoughts.
If the thoughts and beliefs are more deep-rooted, seek counseling so a licensed professional can help you identify, evaluate and help you reject those disempowering and deep-rooted thoughts.
Once you do this practice once, like unruly weeds, harmful thoughts will crop up again. Each time, they do, be prepared to confront them and practice self-love.
Come up with counter-examples to destructive thoughts of how you’re capable, worthy and loveable.
Your assignment.
Take out a sheet of paper and capture those self-hating thoughts running through your mind. I’ve included a sample worksheet for you to use as a guideline – you can click here to see it: Selfloveworksheet.
Divide the paper in three.
On the left side, capture the harsh talk and thoughts running through your mind.
In middle column, write down why these negative thoughts aren’t objectively true. Poke holes in these undesirable thoughts.
On the right side, take away power to those negative thoughts by replacing them with contrary and more empowering thoughts.
How is every thought you noted on the left side of the page inaccurate or false? Allow those thoughts to evaporate and allow the empowering thoughts on the right side of the paper to replace them.
Continue this practice until you can successfully confront, challenge and turn around harmful thoughts and feelings.
Do you experience negative and self-defeating thoughts? Please help other readers by sharing other practices to increase self-love, self-worth and improve one’s self-image in the comments below.
Hi, I’m Vishnu
I help people overcome their devastating breakups and divorces and find love again. Instead of visiting the Himalayas, sign up below and join me. I am taking a writing break but will be back soon.
This guide is free. A ticket to the Himalayas is $2000. Your move.
