The Problem of Dating When You’re Stuck in the Past

Photo by Aditya Saxena

“There’s no greater battle in life than the battle between the parts of you that want to be healed and the parts of you that are comfortable and content being broken.” Iyanla Vanzant   

We had a phone conversation 3 years ago.

At the time, I was thinking she was the nicest and sweetest person I had spoken to.

Yet after one phone call, I went against my intuition, and thought this would be too complicated.

She too lived half way across the world.

It would be so hard to get to know each other.

It would take forever for her to move here.

It would blah blah blah

So I left it at that and went back into my happy world of trying to understand heartbreak, learn how to overcome breakups and learn the steps of letting go.

Little did I realize that it were these very things that was heartbreak and not being able to let go that  was keeping my stuck in my own life of dating and meeting new people.

While I was learning about letting go and trying to actively let go of the past, I also found that being stuck in the past does nothing for your love life.

In fact, you could meet the right person and you wouldn’t be interested or care because you’re still caught up with your ex.

You’re still wanting the old relationship to work.

You’re still blaming yourself for what you did.

You’re still hoping the old person comes back into my life.

3 years ago, this was where I was at.

Fast forward to 2019 (the year I wrote The Sacred Art of Letting Go) and this wonderful person who I met is coming to meet me.

We’ve been talking since the new year and I’m curious as to how this visit is going to go.

She’s a simple and spiritual person which in the Indian world of meeting people is a rarity.

She works in helping children in poverty get educated.

I’m wondering how someone so right for me could have fallen off my radar?

And it’s as simple as this.

When you’re stuck in the past, you’re wearing lenses that make you look at everything in the present as something in the past.

You view everything today from a perspective of what happened before.

You lose interest in today or tomorrow because of this weight that is holding you back.

The problem of trying to meet new people when you’re stuck in the past is that the new people and the right people for you may seem like the wrong people for you!

You’re so blinded by the lenses of the past that you can’t see things as they are.

I have no idea where this is going but I can tell you this.

The relationship you want and the person you want might be around you and might be closer than you think but if you can’t let go of the past, your view of relationships might be skewed.

You won’t be able to find the very person you’re looking for if you’re stuck in the past.

The solution?

Do the work.

Walk through the 12 steps of letting go.

Yes, I have a book on the topic 🙂

Practice actively letting go each and every day.

Similar to grief, not letting go means unprocessed emotions and holding onto something that once was.

The longer you hold onto what was, the heavier it weighs you down in life.

You can’t be open to what can be when you haven’t let go of what once was.

I’ll let you know how things are unfolding on my end.

Where are you in the process of letting go? Hit reply on email or sign up for the blog to join me on my journey from heartbreak to love.