What If I Don’t Want a Divorce?
I don’t want a divorce.
I wanted a divorce as much as I wanted the shingles.
Or a nice juicy steak (as a vegetarian, not very much).
Or to jump off a cliff on a bungee cord where I would free fall 100 feet and bounce back up.
In other words, I didn’t want a divorce.
It wasn’t something I welcomed or invited into my life.
True, I had regularly threatened divorce or suggested it as a solution to our marital problems, but I didn’t want it to happen.
The threat of divorce or the idea of divorce felt a lot better than the reality of divorce.
The actual process of getting a divorce was lousy and soul-crushing.
(A side note here: Never threaten to end your relationship with divorce if you have no intention of getting one. You might get what you ask for.)
With divorce, our very personal struggles and unhealthy conflicts became public.
I traded in a life I knew for something foreign.
New living arrangements.
New financial arrangements.
Splitting our belongings.
Filing legal paperwork. (I’d done it before for others, but seeing my own name there was an entirely different experience.)
Splitting our friends.
Each step of the divorce was more painful than the last. Each step I took felt like walking across a piece of coal that became hotter the farther I progressed.
Each step was slow, deliberate, and more scarring than what had come before!
Each step of the divorce process was an uphill mental, emotional, and psychological roller-coaster. Even for me, who had practiced divorce law and had filed the paperwork for dozens of divorces in the past.
Your spouse may be telling you that he’s done with the relationship, that he’s ready for a divorce, or that “he loves you but is no longer in love with you.” It really might have come out of left field for you.
Blindsided by the news, you’ll feel like the air’s been knocked out of you. Especially when you thought your marriage was going along just fine.
If you don’t want a divorce but find yourself going through one, here are some ways to cope with the process.
I can’t promise that you can make your divorce disappear, but these coping steps will help you survive the process and come out of it a better and stronger person…and possibly save your marriage.
1) Take it one day at a time.
It’s shocking news that your spouse wants a divorce, especially the first time you hear it.
Most days you won’t even feel like getting out of bed. And you’ll hate even getting in bed because you’re left by yourself with your fears and loneliness.
Your whole life flashes through your mind.
Your future appears bleak and non-existent.
To survive this period, you’ve just got to take it one day at a time.
Focus on getting through just one day – today.
You can’t control tomorrow or predict your future.
Planning and seeing your future and your next steps can wait.
Survive the workday, eat, spend time with the kids, do some chores.
Keep it simple – one day at a time.
2) Be prepared for the heavy mental and emotional sabotage.
You’ll likely experience thoughts of anger, guilt, and frustration. You’ll feel like taking your life, crawling into a hole and never coming out or disappearing into thin air.
Your mind will start getting sentimental, nostalgic, fearful, and vengeful. You’ll go through a wide range of mental images – many of them negative. You’ll want to blame, hurt, or harm your husband or wife!
If you can step away from these thoughts for a minute, you’ll be able to see that they stem from your fears. These thoughts are but a figment of your imagination – the worst possible fears about your future.
There’s no better time than right now to work on a mindfulness technique that helps you become more aware of your thoughts and emotions.
3) Who can you talk to?
When you’re going through something so shocking, you don’t want to burden anyone else with heavy emotional weight, but this is the one time in your life when you really need someone.
Your emotions and feelings will take a heavy toll on you if you don’t have a friend or counselor to speak to. Help someone help you process your feelings so that you don’t feel like doing anything harmful to yourself or someone else.
Talking to anyone – a friend, a coach, a relative will help. If you’re not up for sharing your feelings with others, start by writing them down; you’ll feel better putting your words on paper.
4) Seek love and compassion.
Regardless of what happens, if you stay together or go through with a divorce, there’s a life waiting for you after this ordeal.
To help you overcome and move through this event in your life, start taking steps towards love and compassion for yourself.
You start loving yourself by being more gentle with your own thoughts and speaking more kindly to yourself. Also, treat yourself better.
There’s no need for anger or self-sabotage or guilt. You don’t “deserve” divorce and are not being “punished.”
You didn’t do anything wrong and aren’t solely responsible for your marriage falling apart.
The way to win your future and win your life is to continue showing compassion and love for yourself.
Slow things down in your life. Start saying “no” to what no longer serves you. Start saying “yes” to your body, mind, and soul.
Take actions that help you feel good about yourself – positive affirmations, positive visualizations, supportive friends, relaxation, and sleep can help you survive the divorce process and become a strong person for life.
Your level of self-care and the extent to which you repair your self-esteem might also help save your marriage or give you a better perspective about yourself to make wiser decisions.
5) Don’t worsen the situation.
With divorce swirling in your life, you might want to do a lot of things to “save” your marriage. In a period of desperation, you’ll think the answer is more counseling, more communication or even begging your husband to hold on to the marriage.
Try not to take drastic actions or push your spouse away from you as you go through this period of your life.
If there’s any hope of saving the marriage, you must step back, let go for a bit and focus on your own internal, emotional state.
Boosting your confidence and practicing self-love will by far improve the situation more than anything you do to “save” the marriage.
6) Practice introspection.
There are many things you’d like to do to change the situation, but all those things may be out of your control.
What’s in your control are self-understanding and insights about yourself, which are always available to you.
You’ve typically looked outward at your husband, at the finances, at your future, at your relationship.
When you have no time to focus on what’s within you, you become preoccupied with everything you see in front of you.
Take steps to slow down your life and go within. Find the time and energy to focus on yourself and even your essence, your soul.
It’s time to connect with your true self and be open to everything you’re learning about yourself.
7) Surrender
There are two options when dealing with the possibility of a divorce – resistance and denial, or acceptance, and surrender.
You can fight and do everything in your power to stop a divorce, or you can find ways to come to terms with what’s happening in your life to survive a divorce.
Allowing things to happen, practicing acceptance, and surrendering to life will give you more peace of mind.
You don’t have to struggle so much mentally and emotionally if you’re willing to let go a bit.
Practice surrendering by learning to accept what’s happening, not pushing it away, resisting it, or trying to stop it.
Let the situation sit with you for a bit. Imagine what it would be like if you could accept what’s happening to you and be okay with it.
8) Live in the moment.
Instead of running away to safe and happy time in the past, keep bringing yourself to this moment.
You might feel like you couldn’t possibly live in the moment in front of you because it is so painful. You feel like life is yanking your heart out of you.
Yet here’s the thing – at this very moment, in this second, everything is fine. Anxiety, worry, and fear fill your life only when you fast forward or rewind.
In this very second, nothing’s wrong. If you are completely present and aware of this moment, you’re not going to be fighting and struggling.
Breathe into this moment. Breathe out in this moment.
If you can’t be in this place throughout the day, spend a few minutes of in-moment living.
9. Practice optimism.
I don’t know if you believe the Secret or any of those “law of attraction” materials, but here’s what I do know from personal experience.
Your external world tends to follow your internal world. How you feel and see the world from the inside is how you see the world unfolding around you.
Staying positive and optimistic can only help the situation, today and in the future.
I know you don’t want a divorce but try looking at the bright side of things. There may not appear to be a lot of bright sides at the moment.
Try gratitude daily.
Try small acts of forgiveness toward the people who hurt you and cause you pain. Even your spouse.
The more you’re able to view your situation positively, the more likely the situation will unfold positively.
Look at the situation and see how it’s here to serve you and deliver the greatest good to you. Seek the lessons that this experience provides. Ask how you’re going to grow from this time of your life.
You may not want a divorce and you may not be able to stop the divorce from happening.
A lot of this circumstance is out of your control.
If you can learn to step away from the circumstances and make some changes within, you’ll be better prepared to deal with the next chapter of your life.
You can work on compassion, care, and love for yourself. This experience can make you a stronger and better person.
Becoming more grounded and positive can help save your marriage.
It will also help change your life.
If you don’t want a divorce, check out this post
If you don’t want a divorce and want to save your marriage, check out this post on how to save your marriage. Or watch this video I made.
A New Direction for Vishnu’s Virtues
Well, you’ve probably noticed that something is a changing over here at Vishnu’s Virtues – my posts seem to be getting narrower and more specific.
I’m writing about one subject more than any other because that’s the topic that you’re writing to me about.
So, here’s a quick video update on what’s going on and how I’m going to be focusing more on this one topic.
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21 Encouraging Reminders to Survive a Divorce
How do you survive a divorce if you’re going through one today?
You may be trying to survive the thunderstorms of divorce in your life. You’re likely feeling lost, confused, and heartbroken, among many other feelings.
Yes, you’re angry beyond words and hurt beyond feelings to the point that you’re numb from the suffering.
You’re feeling hopeless about the future. Will you survive this divorce? What happens next? Is there even a future for you? Will you find happiness again?
Having survived a failed marriage, heartbreak, and profound sadness, I feel like I can share my experience with you and remind you that, yes, all those things are possible. You can absolutely survive a divorce.
In fact, I want you to know that my heartbreak and eventual divorce was the best thing that happened in my life and that I am more grateful to my ex than to anyone else I know.
If you’re emotionally drained, mentally strained, and physically tired from the pain and burden of a broken heart after divorce, I want to share these 21 reminders with you to help you survive a divorce.
21 encouraging reminders to help you survive a divorce
1. You’ll survive this like you have before.
You’ve gone through similar painful experiences in your life. You’ve stood strong before and you can survive divorce. You will go through ups and downs, the darkest hour, and your life’s lowest point, but I know that you will come out and still be standing when the pain goes away.
No matter how much you want to disappear from the world and how far away you want to go, know that you will make it through. You’re a survivor – you keep going even when all hope seems gone because you know in your heart that things WILL get better. You know that your day will come.
2. Your life starts over when you forgive.
It seems like you can’t move on and do anything.
You see your ex around, and you’re filled with rage, jealousy, anger, and resentment. What your ex did to you was criminal – how does he get away with such pain and torture while you’re left to suffer?
When you see yourself as the victim of heartbreak and divorce, you can’t move on. The only way out is to forgive your ex – early, often and throughout your grief.
You might think that you have to get to a place of forgiveness to forgive.
Wrong!
You forgive first even when you don’t feel like forgiving. You then receive the benefits of forgiveness – peace after divorce, compassion, and healing. The act of forgiveness comes first…
You must be willing to let go of the grudge no matter how badly your ex treated you, even if he or she betrayed you and intentionally hurt you. You must be willing to forgive if they ran off with someone else or chose someone else over you.
Only you can choose when you’ve had enough of the pain and suffering.
When you’ve had enough personal turmoil, forgive so that you can move on.
3. You don’t need a reason why this is happening to you.
We strive in our lives to know “why” about everything. When we know why something is happening, we can understand it.
Let go of your desire to know.
Your divorce is happening simply because it is – not because you’re a bad person or because it’s your fate or karma or any such thing.
Life happens in cycles. You’re going through a downturn, but like housing markets, stock markets, and Mother Nature herself, your life’s going to be back on the upswing.
Sun comes after the rain. Dawn breaks after dark.
4. Your suffering will lead to growth.
Don’t ask me how or why, but your most fabulous self awaits you after your divorce.
Once you go through a divorce, you begin an intense process of self-reflection, introspection, and self-awareness.
Once you stop thinking about your ex and what went wrong in the relationship, you’ll begin to reflect on your behavior, habits, and characteristics.
Remember, there’s nothing flawed about you, and you’re not inadequate in any way.
Allow the healing process to give you an opportunity to make adjustments, improve yourself, and become the best version of you.
Your divorce will help make you better than before.
5. Your ex will be your greatest spiritual teacher.
Do you think you need a spiritual guru to gain insights into yourself and discover who you truly are?
Nope, your ex-lover can help with all that. Your former spouse can be your greatest spiritual teacher.
You won’t believe how much your ex has shaken up your life, penetrated your heart, and awakened your soul. When your relationship rocks your physical and emotional worlds, you are ready to learn the spiritual lessons of life.
Your ex will help you learn forgiveness, gratitude, how to let go, how to live in the present moment and how to embrace life’s changes.
6. Your divorce will open your heart to new love.
Your old relationship may have been dysfunctional and full of fights; it didn’t serve you very well. Isn’t it time to celebrate the fact that it’s over and that you now have the opportunity to find the right person for you?
How could you find Mr. Right if you were with Mr. Absolutely Wrong?
You know yourself better now, so when you are ready to meet people again, you’ll have a much better understanding of yourself and who you’re looking for.
7. You have to grieve before letting go.
Time will not heal your wounds. You can’t deny that your relationship ended. You must acknowledge that it’s over and go through the grieving process.
You’ll have to experience the feelings that come with heartbreak, learn to cope with them and then release the unhealthy emotions to survive a divorce.
Practice self-compassion and take care of yourself emotionally and physically while you’re grieving. Keep people in you your support system close to you.
Build up your forgiveness muscle so that you can forgive your ex and heal your heart.
8. You choose when you’re ready to move on.
Again, time won’t heal your wounds, but you can choose when you’d like to move on. If you’re ready to move on now, start the healing process now.
Begin with forgiveness. Let go of the past now. Start embracing your emotions now.
If you resist the healing process or can’t accept that the relationship is over, you’re simply postponing your ability to move on.
9. You don’t need a relationship right now.
As much as you think you should, don’t start another relationship right now.
While loneliness and sadness will consume your life, do yourself a favor and stay out of a romantic relationship.
You need friends, supporters, family and colleagues who will be there for you – not someone who will help you avoid or resist the grieving process.
Say “no” to a new relationship until you’re truly ready to move on.
10. You’re going to be able to embrace massive changes.
If you were change-resistant before, divorce will change that. Now that the unexpected and the unimaginable have happened, you’re going to be able to deal with anything that comes up in your life.
Once the world as you know it has flipped upside down, you’re going to have the strength and resilience to confront anything else like this in the future. You can embrace any change.
11. Your purpose is waiting for you now.
You might have been waiting your whole life to discover your purpose and your life’s calling.
Well, now in the midst of agony and sorrow, you’re going to find it. Your life’s purpose will call out to you in the midst of tragedy and pain.
You will get clearer than ever on why you are here on earth.
12. Your deepest pain will deliver your greatest insights.
Not only will you discover your life’s purpose, you’ll have all kinds of insights during your grieving period. You’ll get insight about the meaning of your life and who you are as a person.
You’ll have the opportunity to go within and get the answers to many of the questions you’ve had in your life.
The way to get these insights is to ask the questions and listen to the answers. The answers will come to you through your wise inner voice; be more observant of it.
13. You’ll learn what’s important to you.
Maybe you were having trouble figuring out what you care about and what’s important.No more.
When your world feels upside down, what matters will matter. You can cut out everything else from your life.
If an activity or person is bringing you down, let it go. Now is the time to protect yourself. Keep what matters and let go of what doesn’t – friends, activities, hobbies and even your job.
14. You can get through one day at a time.
When you think about the entirety of your relationship from beginning to end, or about the gravity of the breakup, you won’t be able to get out of bed in the morning. If you think about how devastating this is, or how gloomy your future looks, you’ll feel paralyzed.
You can get through the days if you take them one day at a time.
Think only about what you’re going to do today and how you’re going to make it through the day.
Write up a short to-do list, prioritize your day the night before and keep your commitments to a minimum. One day at a time is the only way to survive this rocky period.
15. Your compassion and empathy meters will skyrocket.
Once you survive a divorce, you’re going to be more compassionate about and empathetic to others’ pain. This is one of the gifts of divorce that will change you as a person.
Before, you might not have been as perceptive or considerate of other people and their feelings as you are now.
You will see and feel more pain in others around you – the same pain you’ve suffered yourself. When you see others’ pain and suffering, ask yourself what you can do to serve.
16. You’re going to care a lot about what people think, then never give a damn again.
When you are going through a divorce, not only will the pain be too much to bear, the embarrassment and shame of having to explain your status to others can be difficult to face.
Initially, you’ll care a lot about what others think. Others in your life will pry and try to get at the personal details of your life. They’ll judge, spread rumors and gossip.
Now is the time to realize that these opinions don’t matter. Let these people feel and say what they want. Know that their actions and behaviors don’t have any bearing in your life.
Living your life to the tune of others’ expectations will only lead to misery and sadness. You now have the opportunity to stop caring about what other people think.
17. You need friends and supporters on your side.
No matter how embarrassed or ashamed you might feel, it’s too much to bear the pain on your own. Seek out your friends, family and supporters and spend time with them. I didn’t do this for some time, and it was probably my biggest regret.
You don’t have to unload your relationship issues to them – just spend time with them and enjoy their company. Allow them to be there for you.
18. Caring for yourself isn’t selfish.
During all the other times in your life, you would have felt guilty getting a massage, taking a vacation or buying yourself something nice.
As you’re feeling the pain of heartbreak and the grief of loneliness, you have permission to take care of yourself.
It’s not selfish to take care of yourself physically, spiritually and emotionally.
Get a massage, take a yoga class, get more sleep or take some time to exercise every day.
Visit a church, temple or flower garden to take in the scenery.
Paint, visit museums – do whatever it is that you used to enjoy doing. Now is the time to indulge.
19. Others love and want you.
Just because your partner walked out or ended the relationship doesn’t mean that you’re unworthy or unwanted.
Think about all the people in your life who love you and deeply care about you – your parents, kids, uncles, aunts, family and friends.
Your colleagues at work and the people you’ve helped in the past.You’re a gift in this world. The fact that one person can’t appreciate you doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you.
You are here for a purpose; you are here to give and share and love.
The fact that one person doesn’t want you frees up your energy so that you can be there for the people who love and value you.
You’re going to see your true worth now, minus the person who has held you back.
20. You can choose to stop replaying the past in your mind.
Yes, you can.
The reason you’re likely replaying the past is the same reason I was replaying my relationship over and over in my mind.
See, when our relationships end or when we confront major changes that we don’t want to experience, we can hold onto the past by replaying it in our minds.
Even when the world is falling apart, we can go back to this happy place and replay the good days and times with our ex.
The problem here is that you’re resisting what’s happening in your life now and keeping yourself stuck in a past that no longer exists.
Catch yourself slipping away to the past and bring yourself back to the present. Look at the past with gratitude, but wish it farewell.
21. You can rewrite your life’s story.
There are two distinct stories you can tell yourself about what you’re experiencing.
Your heart’s broken, you’ve wasted your life and you’ll never find love again.
Or you can rewrite another story with the same set of facts.
You found yourself in a relationship that didn’t work, but in the process, you learned a lot about yourself and relationships in general. You’re now much more insightful and know exactly what type of partner you’re looking for. You’re ready for a more compatible relationship and ready to meet your soul mate.
I know how devastating the end of a relationship can be, and how much turmoil it can cause.
I want to remind you that you are going to survive this and come back stronger than before.
You can rewrite the story of your life’s heartbreak and welcome new love into your life.
You can survive a divorce. You got this.
* To pick up my book, 10 Sacred Laws of Healing a Broken Heart, click here. Or pick up The Sacred Art of Letting Go here. (affiliate links)
