by Vishnu | Mar 17, 2017 | Uncategorized
One of my dear blogging friends is Lisa Thomson, who blogs about life after having left her marriage. Lisa has guided thousands of women who have made the difficult decision of leaving their marriages. She left one herself and not only survived it, but is thriving after having left it.
Are you stuck in a marriage that you’re not sure about anymore? Should you stay or leave your marriage? What can you expect when you do leave your marriage?
Although Lisa’s first book published in 2012, answers many of these questions, she now has a new book out. Well, it’s not so much a book as a divorce manifesto. A Divorce Companion: The Best of the Great Escape Blog will guide you through the ups and downs of divorce. Lisa prepares you to deal with the psychological, financial, legal and parenting aspects of divorce in her new book which is a compilation of some of her best blog posts.
I chatted with Lisa recently and asked her some of the most pressing questions I had about leaving a marriage. If you enjoy the interview and are considering a divorce, pick up Lisa’s book today here.
Ok, Lisa, a few questions for you.
Thank you Vishnu, for hosting and interviewing me here at your wonderful blog!
What led you to leave your marriage?
Well, I guess you won’t be surprised when I say it was multiple things rather than one event. It was many small and big things over many years that ultimately led to the demise of my marriage. I finally accepted my unhappiness at the core of my being and gave myself permission to accept that life wasn’t turning out the way I expected. I faced the fact that it had to change. I realized too that ending a marriage, knowing what we need in our life to live authentically, is a very personal matter.
What factors should women consider before leaving a marriage?
There are many and here I will list in order of importance;
Children-your children will always be your #1 concern so, ensuring they understand what’s happening, that they are comfortable and well cared for is priority. Keep the communication open and ongoing, too. Often couples forget to talk about things after the big announcement. That is wrong—keep the conversation going and be as honest as possible while reminding them that their only job is to ‘be a kid’.
Finances-determine accounts, credit card debts, loans outstanding and actual income as a couple. Also, get your own credit card and bank account as soon as possible. If you’ve been a stay at home mom, without an income, it is reasonable to take some money from the joint account and put it into your new account.
Living arrangements/logistics-who will move out and will you sell or keep the matrimonial home? These are questions that don’t have to be answered immediately however, you should begin to think about and discuss together.
Child custody- Will you both co-parent? This is the most popular child custody arrangement and works well for the children if you are on good terms and there is no abusive patterns. Best to discuss this together and independently with lawyers. Take into consideration your special requirements and circumstances.
Division of assets-begin discussing a fair division of assets. Knowing what your assets and liabilities are as a couple and agreeing on these can make a world of difference in creating an amicable divorce.
Make all agreements binding-if you are lucky enough to agree with your soon to be ex (STBX) on important issues listed here, then make sure you have ‘consent orders’ that are written by lawyers and signed by all parties.
Family therapy-consider attending counseling as a divorcing couple. This is not something we did but I can see how it would help. Just because you’re divorcing doesn’t mean you’re not going to have to work together cooperatively (with the children and other divorce related issues).
Finally, family and friends-try not to neglect your relationships with extended family and keep them in the loop in so far as the child custody is concerned as well as living arrangements.
What was the most difficult part of leaving your marriage?
Hands down, the hardest thing about leaving my marriage was having less time with my children. It was emotionally wrenching initially. I was a full time stay at home mom (SAHM) at the time and raising them was my job from infancy. My ex-husband was a business traveler and not at home as much. I can say though, that in time, the pain and feeling of loss went away and was replaced with more gratitude for the time I do have with my children.
How do you adapt to life after separation and divorce?
Slowly LOL. It really is a personal process. One thing I can say is, I don’t know one divorced woman who hasn’t found happiness after a period of adjustment. It is hard. I won’t lie about that. It is also rewarding and a growing experience. It’s worth every tear.
What would you tell others about parenting after a divorce?
This is also a transitional period. You have to learn to parent more sensitively. Keep the communication open and don’t shut down your child’s sadness. Let them cry. Let them show you how much it hurts that mom and dad are split apart and everything is changing. Honoring your child’s feelings is one of the most validating things you can do for them as a parent. It was one of the hardest things for me to learn because every time they showed me anger or tears my guilt shot up and all I wanted to do was fix it. We can’t fix it, we can only make it easier for them.
What is your message in your latest book to women who are considering leaving and filing a divorce?
My latest book’s message overall is to embrace your individual strength as a woman. You can get through it but be prepared for frustration and anger to rear up while at the same time, finding the most joy you’ve experienced in years. It’s a real mixed bag. My book certainly covers many topics from Narcissism, financial budgeting, re-setting your career path to dealing with anger, and letting go. It’s designed to provide companionship and practical tips to those suffering right now.
What would you advise someone who is torn between staying and leaving?
This is always a tough one. It is the hardest part, the ‘thinking about it’ stage. I advise all women the same thing at this stage; do what is best for you and your family. It’s a personal decision. No one can tell another person when to end their marriage (barring obvious situations where a person is being abused physically, mentally or is in a life threatening relationship).
I advise to read, write and really be honest with yourself at this stage. Stop the denial. Make lists. Pros and cons, list unhappy events no matter how small. Life is made up of a million small things so if those are the unhappy events, well what does that say about your life? This is a decision that is not done over night and will take some introspection.
Where can people pick up your latest book?
It’s available now on Amazon. It’s designed to provide that companionship one needs during divorce and can only find through someone who’s been there. The variety and depth of topics act as a self help tool providing much needed tips and simple solutions to common divorce problems.
Lisa Thomson has gone through a unique divorce and faced unusual challenges. A mom, a writer and an interior decorator, Lisa also loves to draw and paint. “My passion is to encourage women going through divorce. It doesn’t have to be “the end” but rather, a new “beginning.” You can find her latest book on Amazon here and in Canada, here. She blogs at www.lisathomsonlive.com and active on Twitter and Facebook.
by Vishnu | Mar 13, 2017 | Divorce, Love and Relationships
Not all of us get to choose when we leave a marriage.
Sometimes, our spouses make the decision for us with a gentle nudge or by packing up all their belongings and moving out. Or if you come home and find the locks changed and a stack of suitcases with your clothing sitting in front of the garage, you’re right to believe that a divorce is coming!
Yet, often in relationships, one spouse or the other has to make the first move to leave the marriage.
How do you know when you should stay and when you should leave?
For argument’s sake, let’s assume that you’ve spoken to your astrologer, checked in with your lucky tarot deck and are mentally at your wit’s end. You literally can’t take another day with this intolerable person but you’re still not sure if leaving makes sense or not.
On one hand, you know you’ll find peace, sanity and joy by leaving.
On the other hand, you think you’ll ruin your kids’ life, disappoint everyone who loves you and fear living alone the rest of your life.
So, what do you?
In my friend Lisa Thomson’s new book, A Divorce Companion, she asks and answers this question about when to leave a marriage.
It’s one of the most common questions she gets from the readers of her blog. In general, she believes the answer is different for each person because everyone has a unique circumstance and relationship.
But if you’re thinking about leaving your marriage, Lisa suggests these 5 signs to watch out for:
1. Your spouse is emotionally, verbally or physically abusive.
Lisa says that it may be abusive in even the slightest of ways but if you’re in an abusive relationship, the abuse is likely overt, destructive and unbearable.
2. You’ve tried marriage counseling and it hasn’t change anything.
Personally, I don’t think too much of marital counseling, as it may be way too late when you get there. In my personal experience, I found that counseling just made things worse. Our faults and dysfunction were amplified and more public with our therapist.
3. You are last on his list.
Hmmmmm, I would say this is definitely a sign. You may not be last on his list but you’re definitely not his priority. When you’re in a dysfunctional relationship, you don’t value or appreciate each other.
4. Your sex life is non-existent.
I’ll let this one speak for itself.
5. He doesn’t consult with you before making important decisions
You’re left in the dark on important decisions about parenting or finances. He might make unilateral decisions for both of you and not consult you on major decisions that affect both of you.
Lisa thinks it’s our inability to accept the truth that ultimately keeps us from moving forward and leaving our marriages.
“The truth can be easily justified with excuses,” she writes. “The truth can be replaced with false hope – hope for an improved tomorrow that never comes.”
Instead of accepting the truth and doing what is necessary, you make up excuses and justifications to stay in a marriage that kills both of you. You hold onto false hope and promises of a better day simply to avoid the pain and suffering that divorce brings with it.
Will you continue to accept a troubled marriage without taking any action about it?
Will you live a life that’s filled with false hope for a person you should have left long ago? Realizing you’re in a bad place and accepting that there may be no chance for improvement is a good first step, Lisa reminds us.
Rooting in your truth and accepting the circumstances as they are will give you more clarity and courage to do what’s necessary.
You could lie to yourself and live small while suffering through an intolerable marriage.
Or you could check in with the many external and internal signs about what’s going on in your life and practice acceptance. Not acceptance so you can get a divorce but acceptance so you can live your truth.
Living truthfully will give you clarity.
Clarity will help you guide your future decisions and actions.
If you’re looking for clarity in all aspects of your divorce, from when to get a divorce to how to get over your divorce, then Lisa’s latest book is for you. It will give you much needed hand-holding and guidance to make good decisions during a difficult time.
Pick up A Divorce Companion today on Amazon here.
Lisa Thomson is a Canadian blogger, writer and author. You can find her blog on leaving a marriage, dating and parenting here: http://www.lisathomsonlive.com/
* Photo credit Unsplash
by Vishnu | Feb 19, 2017 | Forgiveness, Letting Go
Did you have a rough upbringing?
Were the people who were supposed to have loved you the very same people who hurt you and tried to tear down your self-worth?
Did you grow up in an abusive home with absent or abusive parents?
Grow up in a home with a physically abusive father?
An emotionally abusive mother?
Alcoholic parents?
Detached parents? Cruel or neglectful?
You may have thought the past is the past and you could move on and live your life. Yet, you’re likely finding that your past doesn’t just disappear. Instead, you find yourself alone to carry the pain of your past.
This could come in the form of low self-esteem. An eating disorder. A generally non-motivated and uninspired life. Combative and unhealthy relationships you find yourself in as an adult.
You didn’t have the tools to resist your parents, stand up for yourself as a child or find shelter against unhealthy parenting but you do have tools now to move past the pain.
The healing is in the light.
Sunlight.
Candle light.
Your inner light.
Divine light.
You have the inner light to weather anything life has thrown at you. When you fully immerse yourself in your light, you can no longer suffer abuse. Others can no longer trample you. They can no longer tear you down.
Here are 8 steps towards embracing your light when you feel the darkness of hurt and pain.
1. Sit in the light of pain and loss.
Before you can heal, you must claim and sit in the pain and the loss. It’s perfectly ok to acknowledge the hurt you’ve experienced, cry over the sadness of the past and sit in the sorrow you feel.
You will never know light exists if you first didn’t realize you were in the darkness. The idea is to be aware of this place, not to live there.
2.Remind yourself that darkness and light are part of the same universe.
You’re not in an entirely different universe. You are simply in the darker parts for now. The light is on the other side. You will find your way there. Being aware of the darkness is the first step to seeing the light.
Having known the darkness, you’ll more easily find the light. Having known the darkness, you’ll have a greater appreciation of the light.
3.Allow your light to wash your wounds.
The light can fill whatever loss you’re carrying, whatever holes you have within you and whatever voids are in your life.
You can find the light within you. It’s the ounce of hope within. It’s the flicker of inner knowing. It’s the divine spirit you might have felt while observing the redwoods or watching the majestic skies at night. It’s the moment of inspiration, hope and aliveness you feel within yourself. It’s the belief in a new day and a new dawn.
If you’ve ever seen or felt this light within you, you know it’s there. You know you can cultivate it and allow it to shine into the spaces of hurt and loss.
4.Extend the light to those people who crushed your soul.
You may want to withhold your light from the very people who hurt you, robbed you of your childhood or crushed your soul. You may never want to give them your love, affection or attention.
The very people who are hurtful and abusive need the light the most. No, you don’t have to kiss and make up like nothing happened but you can set the intention within to forgive them for all the ways they hurt you. You can extend to them the light of understanding and empathy. You can acknowledge they, too, were hurting and didn’t know what they were doing.
5.Be in communion with the divine.
Your light may come from a divine experience or a spiritual place.
You walk into your house of worship and feel the light. You see the flickering flames of candles, oil lamps and sunlight coming in through the stained-glassed windows of the church.
Whatever your house of worship is, know you can cultivate the light from a divine and spiritual place. Go within, reflect, take inspiration and inspire.
Have a communication and relationship with the divine light you experience.
Walk out of the temple or church each time with the light burning a little stronger.
6.See the light in all.
The light fills the entire world. All you must do is sit and observe it. Even in the middle of the night or when all feels dark, light is there. It fills the earth.
If light is everywhere, the light must be in you. The light must be in the people who hurt you also. The light must be in places of darkness. Learn to see the light in the dark places. Look hard for the light when it’s especially dark. Look for the light in others.
Once you see the light in others, especially the people who hurt you, you can let go of the hurt and move on. The same fabric of light composes you and the people who hurt you. You will more easily forgive and realize your oneness with all.
7.Fill your soul with light.
Spend time each day filling your soul with light.
The light may come from work that brings you joy or work that serves other people.
The light may come from your spiritual practices, like contemplation or prayer.
You may feel the light while playing with your children, cooking a meal or taking a walk.
You may find the light when you choose kindness over hatred or empathy over anger.
When you see or feel the light within you, allow it to fill you. Sit with the light.
8.Extend compassion and empathy to all those around you.
Spread the light from within to all those around you.
Set an intention that the vibration of the light you’re feeling is spreading to those around you who are in pain and hurting.
Be an example in the light. Live your life in the light every day.
If you spiral into darkness one day, seek the light the next day.
Show others it’s acceptable to live in the light, even when you’re in pain.
You can fill the void and the loss with the light.
You can substitute the hardships and struggles with the light.
You can view the misdeeds of others in the light so your anger melts into compassion.
The light allows you to turn hostility to understanding. It helps you stop judging others and instead try to see their perspective.
The light releases grudges and fosters forgiveness.
The light can remove obstacles, cut through the pain, and heal you and those around you.
*Photo credit
by Vishnu | Feb 3, 2017 | Love and Relationships
If you’ve followed my journey for some time, you’ve known the story of heartbreak and loss.
You know the story of uncertainty and change.
You know the story of darkness and gloom.
Yet, divorces I’ve concluded are not the end of the world. Nor are heartbreaks or separations or breakups.
Endings don’t necessarily have to be the worst thing that has ever happened to you! And with every ending, there is a new beginning.
With every heartbreak, you sow the seeds for new love to flourish.
Yet this doesn’t happen automatically. Moving on is easier said than done. How do you let go of the past? How do you move on? How do you open your heart again?
In my new book, Love After Heartbreak, I’ve written a book for all of us to move forward and love again after heartbreak.
Who is this book for?
It’s for you if you’ve experienced heartbreak, separation or divorce and have sworn off relationships for the rest of your life.
What will you learn in this book?
You will learn how to let go of the past and heal your heart. You will learn how to reclaim and boost your self-worth after that painful breakup. You’ll learn how to trust again and overcome your fear of commitment.
Will this book guide you to finding the right partner?
Yes! It will give you tips and strategies for landing the right partner. There’s a chapter on how to find the right partner and another chapter on what you can do to increase your chances of finding the right partner.
Does it address fear and rejection?
Fears keep us from moving forward, so, definitely; there are several chapters about overcoming fears. Overcome your fear of commitment, overcome your fear of being hurt again and overcome your fear of rejection. Learn how to see rejection in a new and more empowering light. Yes, you might confront rejection after heartbreak but learn how to see rejection in a positive light.
How will this book change your life?
This book will only do one thing: change your perspective and way of thinking about love. It will address your fears and objections. It will help you shift your perspective and look at relationships from a new angle. It will encourage you to go beyond your comfort zone, find your courage and go after that relationship that’s waiting for you.
Why this book, and why did you write it?
Honestly? This book is as much for me as it is for you. This is what I’ve learned, this is what I’m learning and this is what I’m doing in my life. Everything I write to you is everything I’m telling myself. Everything I suggest you do, I’m trying to do.
I wrote it for all of us who are stuck in our pasts and desire to move on to new love. I wrote it for all of us who are afraid of loving and opening our hearts again.
Why love again?
You might think that your life was over after your broken heart, your breakup or your divorce. I remind you in this book that your relationship ending could be a true blessing. You have choices, you have opportunities and you have the freedom to create a new relationship from scratch. You can now do it with wisdom, experience and an open (and stronger) heart.
I want to remind you of what Hemingway said: “The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.”
Where can you purchase this book?
You can pick it up on Kindle books at the Amazon store. If you’re open to love again, click here to pick up Love After Heartbreak today.
by Vishnu | Jan 28, 2017 | Love and Relationships
The last thing you want to hear about after heartbreak is love.
After your heart has been shattered, your life turned upside down and your questioning of humanity begins, you wonder if it’s all worth it.
Is it worth it to put your heart out there?
Is it worth it to trust another person again?
Is love worth all the pain that you’ve gone through?
I didn’t think it was for several years after my divorce. Yes, there were highs in marriage, but the lows after divorce were so low that I didn’t think I ever wanted to return to that place again.
I never again wanted to swim in a place of loss, vulnerability and pain.
On my own journey back from this place of darkness, I realized that love is worth it. I realized that #!*!& cliché about it being better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all is likely true!
I realized that one benefit of your heart breaking is that it breaks open. Your heart has the capacity to love bolder, stronger and deeper after loss.
Heartbreak won’t just open your heart; it can awaken your soul. There are so many parts of you that were sleeping that were likely shaken up.
Can the tsunami of the heart be your solid ground? Can the depths of despair and rejection be the seeds of new love?
I explore this topic below and at greater length in my new book, Love After Heartbreak, available on Amazon here.
Here are 5 ways to bounce back and open your heart again after heartbreak.
1. Process your emotions
You won’t be able to move on until you experience the emotions of heartbreak and loss.
You must let go of the resistance to feeling uncomfortable emotions.
You might feel denial and resistance is the way to go so you won’t feel the pain, but this will only prolong the time it will take you to heal.
If you grew up in a family that refused to experience emotions or denied emotions exist, this is going to be a life-changing process. I’ve found that emotions will not kill you.
To process your emotions, write it out (through journaling or a diary). Speak it out (to a friend or therapist).
Allow yourself to go to the darkest, most painful parts of yourself.
The intensity of your emotions will taper over time. It may feel unbearable in the beginning, but it does get better. Once you experience the emotional overwhelm, you’ll find you can sit with your emotions more easily.
2. Choose love over fear
Your grief and anger about the breakup will turn to fear at some point. You might think that one strategy to avoid this kind of pain is never to be in another relationship again. Brilliant! Except once you realize that, your colorful world turns to a black and white landscape where you’re barely living. Avoiding love is not the recipe for opening your heart to love.
You must choose love each and every time.
You have to choose to see your past relationship through a loving lens. You have to see your ex through the prism of love. You have to see your heartbreak as love.
You also choose love over fear in opening your heart. You realize that you have two choices: you can build walls and hide your heart, or you can venture out. You have a choice in every decision you make.
You can stay home or go out. You can put up a dating profile or take it down. You can speak to the Harvard woman your family wants to introduce you to or you can pretend you missed the email with her contact Information.
3. Take emotional risks
Loving someone takes a lot of emotional risk. You risk being hurt. You risk opening your life up to pain and suffering. You risk a marriage gone wrong, losing your house and splitting your kids with your ex.
Yes, a lot can go wrong with love, but there’s a lot to gain from love, too.
I’m dubious about love at first sight and loving by jumping all in. I prefer love to be more like how I enter a swimming pool. Some people say, who cares if it’s freezing cold? Just cannon ball in. Jump off the side and plunge yourself into the water. It may be freezing, it may be deep, but after 10 seconds in, you’ll adjust. I prefer not to enter a pool this way. I go in one toe at a time, until my body is immersed in the water.
You don’t have to jump all in after a broken heart. You can take it slow. You can share what you’re comfortable with. There aren’t just two degrees of relationships: superficial and committed. Take smaller risks each day.
4. Trust yourself
You are worried that you’ll make the wrong decision when you love again. You’ll wind up with someone else who breaks your confidence, betrays your trust and breaks your heart.
You have no guarantees or certainties when you open your heart to another person. You can’t trust or believe in anyone else; but oh, you can.
You have yourself. If you really think about it, you always know. When you’ve found the right person, you know. When you’ve found the wrong person, you always know.
99% of heartbreak begins before it starts. A sure recipe for disaster is to stay in a relationship with the wrong person.
You don’t have to trust anyone else. You only need to trust your judgment, your heart and your intuition.
5. Use pain as wisdom
Do you believe that your pain keeps you stuck in the past and prevents you from finding love again?
What if your greatest weakness, your pain, can be your superpower?
Your pain can be see through the prism of loss and heartache, or through the prism of wisdom.
If you survived heartbreak, you understand others and yourself better.
If you survived heartbreak, you know who’s right for you and who’s not.
If you survived heartbreak, your heart’s more attuned to what you want.
In the pain is your wisdom. In your wisdom is your strength. In your strength is your ability to love again.
You can do this.
You can read more about how to open your heart to love again in my new book, Love After Heartbreak. Learn how to let go of the past, bounce back emotionally and love again. Pick up the book on Amazon here.
