by Vishnu | Apr 3, 2016 | Finance, Love and Relationships
Do you feel like your life is over?
When something, or more like someone, exits your life, you might feel like you’re on a downward trajectory to, I don’t know, the end.
I sure did. I thought it was game over. No future. No happiness. No life ahead.
I had celebrated graduations. I had celebrated my wedding. What more?
I had gloomily thought that the only next celebration I would look forward to is one I wouldn’t be here for – death.
Yes, these thoughts might have come from my darkest places in my most trying hour, but it was what filled my mind.
I was wrong.
Divorce isn’t an end.
It’s a new beginning in every aspect of your life, including, and especially, in your financial life.
If you struggled during marriage, if your divorce left you in serious debt or you even had to file bankruptcy after your divorce, you can start over.
My financial life today is 10, maybe 100, times better than it was when I was married.
I not only divorced the woman I was married to but also from my hungry and all-consuming third partner in our relationship – our home, which ate up our finances like a hungry Cookie Monster.
I divorced irresponsibility, unconscious spending and debt.
Here are 7 ways to get your finances back on track.
1) Simplify your life.
We live in extravagance. Like it or not, know it or not, we continue to spend what we have and even more so with our personal banks known as our credit cards. There are many expenses in your life that you can cut down. You don’t even know how elaborate, extravagant and complicated your life is. There are services you don’t need, monthly payments for things you don’t use and regular spending on items that don’t enhance your life.
Look around your life and look at your spending habits. Where is your money going? What can you reduce, simplify or get rid of?
2) Downsize
Since my divorce, I’ve chosen to live with roommates. Why? Because I enjoy the company and I enjoy the cost savings. I’ve also enjoyed living in smaller residences in less expensive parts of town to save money.
You might think you can’t possibly live with other people or move, but you know what? You can. It’s a little bit of personal sacrifice for a whole lot of financial freedom.
If you can’t live with someone else no matter what, then considering moving to a small place or less expensive part of town. You can cut down your living costs by 20-40% or more.
3) Cut out frivolous spending.
You’re ready to spend every time you walk into a store or every time you pass a Starbucks.
Your money/bank cards/credit cards feel like a natural part of your body, except they shouldn’t.
Spending without thinking is the easiest way to financial ruin. Do one of two things: either stop altogether so you’re not spending any money or give yourself a limited amount of funds each month to spend. If you’re beyond the limit, don’t buy it.
Spending money on things that don’t fulfill is a double negative. One, you’ll get a transitory moment of joy that you’ll forget about after you drink half the cappuccino, and two, you’ll be racking up credit card charges that will continue to keep you in debt.
If you had not planned on purchasing it when you went out, don’t.
4) Get clear on what’s important
I should have started with this step.
Why are you saving money in the first place? Why do you need to get your debt under control? What will having more money and financial freedom mean to you?
Think about this and get clear on this part.
Having no debt allowed me to start living the life I wanted. It allowed me to write and publish more books. It allowed me to take coaching courses and start coaching people. It allowed me to leave full-time employment for months or years at a time. It allowed me to travel. It allowed me to save money for retirement.
Why do you want to be debt-free? What will financial freedom mean to you? Answer these questions first! Know why you’re going to change your behavior and find some motivation to stay the course.
5) Start an automatic savings plan
The first thing you do on pay day is figure out which store to visit or what to purchase first.
Well, that’s one sure way to live the lifestyles of the rich and famous poor and infamous.
Even if you’re going to frivolously spend, at least set up an automatic savings account first so some of your funds go into a retirement account and some goes toward a savings account. After you’ve saved your money, then do as you please with the remaining funds.
This was one of the first steps I took after my divorce and I’m thankful for Ramit Sethi’s video on this topic.
6) Pay off debt – more than the minimum
I used to avoid paying off debt, thinking I was winning. The less I paid and the later I could pay it, the more I would have now.
Credit cards and banks had a laugh on my behalf because they were the ones winning.
The more I delayed on payments and the less I paid, the more interest they made.
One of my biggest debts is my student loans from law school. I had paid the minimum on this for the longest time, thinking this was going to be a lifetime payment plan. Forget that, I realized. Paying it off is doable; it just takes paying more than the minimum each month, so I’ve tried paying at least $100 more each month toward paying off these loans once and for all.
(I sure wish I had found this blog earlier by The Power of Thrift. She’s a 30-something year old lawyer who paid off law school student debt and retired. What!?!)
7) Be intentional with money
I’m asking you to do something here that I didn’t do for a long time, to be more conscious with your money. To know ahead of time what you’re going to do with it.
This might require some planning. It might even require examining and thinking about your finances each month. A little planning or a basic budget can go a long way.
Figure out what you are required to pay, budget your expenses, and see how much money you have left at months end. Buy less stuff. Don’t spend all your money! That’s the surefire way to debt and how corporate America wants you to spend your money –without thinking about it!
When you’re in debt and reeling from the financial pain of your divorce is the best time to start over. Set your finances right with these simple tips and you’ll feel happier, freer and more peaceful than even before.
Start the next chapter of your life financially-savvy and debt-free.
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by Vishnu | Mar 27, 2016 | Simple Living
The post-divorce life is nothing to write home about.
You’re grieving and in pain – alone and afraid. Uncertain of what the future holds.
But as I’ve found out, divorce can gift you a new life.
When you crash, burn and hit rock bottom, there’s no way to go but up.
It’s a mantra that I repeated during my divorce and it’s held up to be true.
Your life can’t get any worse; it can only get better.
It’s this time in my life that I further refined and doubled-down on simple living.
While I had been attracted by simplicity throughout my life, I couldn’t get as intentional about it as when I was divorced.
Over the past few years, I’ve simplified, reduced and minimized my life in many ways.
Out the door went clutter and overwhelm, so I could welcome in Zen and happiness. I want to share with you some of the tools that I used to simplify my life.
Here are the 5 questions that can help you on your journey to simple living.
1. What can you live without?
Look around your life. What’s in it that you hardly notice? What could you get rid of and never miss?
Look at items you never use and large pieces of furniture that have stayed in one spot just because you put it there. Look for equipment you no longer use, workout machines that are laying around the house and appliances you haven’t used in years.
If you haven’t used something in the past 6 months, strongly consider getting rid of it.
I’m talking clothes, gadgets, computer equipment, appliances, furniture, knick-knacks and anything you else that’s taking up room in your living space.
If your life can go on without it, give it away!
2. What no longer brings you joy?
This is a question inspired by Marie Kondo and her organizing principles in her book, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. She writes that anything which doesn’t spark joy in your life should be touched, thanked and ceremoniously sent away for a better life.
I would say expand this from clothes to everything in your life.
The divorce has released a person from your life who no longer sparks joy in you. Why not keep going?
Pick up clothing and ask if it brings you joy? No? Out it goes.
Pick up paintings and decorations. If it doesn’t make you happy, pack it up and donate it.
Shoes? Furniture? Kitchen utensils and appliances?
It may have brought you joy at one time, but if it doesn’t bring you joy today, send it on its way.
3. What is no longer useful?
I’ve found this tip helpful for getting rid of books, clothes and even furniture.
Can I use the item at hand?
Is there a practical value to it? Do you have two items that can do the same job?
Do you have a new laptop and an old laptop stored away? Do you have three lamps? Two filing cabinets? Eight sleeping bags? Seven irons? What about your 298 pairs of shoes?
If you’re not using something and it’s no longer of use to you, consider getting rid of it.
Give it away, donate it, sell or pass it along to someone who will find some use from it.
Question: “Is this still useful in my life”?
4. What reminds you of the past and needs to be released?
Look at what’s laying around? What’s left in your living and sleeping area that reminds you of your ex?
Photo frames that are no longer in use?
Trinkets of shared memories? Decorative items? Skis from your trips together?
If it’s your ex’s, definitely give it away. (Somewhat kidding here. Check with your lawyer first.)
If it’s a memory of your ex and continues to take you to happier days that no longer exist, consider giving it away.
Our past relationships and our life together include the things we shared and used. If the person has left your life, there is no point in holding onto those things that continue to remind you of your ex.
Oh, and as far as the kids, keep them, even if they do remind you of your ex.
5. What is taking up your energy and your time?
Look at the projects you’re working on, the meetings you’re attending and how you’re spending your time.
Just writing down what your typical day looks like will give you an idea of how you’re spending your precious hours. Once you analyze your schedule, see if it makes sense to you.
Are you enjoying it? Are there activities or people you could live without?
Once you ask yourself these questions, start making changes. How can you let go, move or say farewell to time and energy drainers?
Like relationships that no longer fit, there are activities and interests that no longer fit.
Find the courage to stop doing whatever it is you’re not enjoying. Break the default pattern, stop the people-pleasing game and make a new pact with your life. Only do those things that you’re absolutely passionate about.
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by Vishnu | Mar 20, 2016 | Simple Living
I’m no hermit, monk or saint.
I’m simply someone who went through a divorce and had a life-changing experience.
I realized after my ten year relationship ended I not only needed to introspect and reflect within, but also to look closely at everything around me.
My divorce became my springboard towards a simpler but more meaningful life. I no longer did things or kept things in my life simply by default or because everyone else had them.
Simplicity means living more intentionally. It’s choosing what you want. It’s keeping the things in your life that bring you joy, as Marie Kondo would put it. Or those things that add value to your life, as the Minimalists would preach. It’s then letting go and getting rid of everything else.
If you’re going through a divorce, you’re likely letting go, minimizing, down-sizing and releasing whatever is weighing you down. Not only are you letting go of a partner, you’re letting go of a lifestyle.
While you’re simplifying your life, I encourage you to give up these 21 other things that I let go after my divorce. I understand not all of it will resonate with you, but feel free to pick and choose what to keep and what to let go.
21 things to let go of after your divorce:
1. Busy-ness.
Before my divorce, work came first and I worked long hours. Post-divorce, I asked myself why. A bigger paycheck doesn’t justify sacrificing your life and your relationships. Just because everyone is running around crunched for time and filled with obligations doesn’t mean you have to adopt that kind of life too.
Figure out what’s important and drop off every other obligation from your calendar. Politely decline invitations. Get out of previously made commitments and engagements.
2. Housing.
For much of our marriage, we owned a home that ate up our finances and peace of mind. It wasn’t the right time for us to own a home. We were still in the early stages of our career. If you’re going to be single again, it’s likely you won’t need a home either. When you calculate the mortgage, taxes and repairs, you’re probably spending a significant portion of your income on housing.
Do the math and see if a house makes sense to rent. The additional money you save, you can invest. Money in the bank is freedom for your life.
3. Car payments.
Do you really need a new car every 5 years? I didn’t. The car I left my marriage with is the car I have today. I can’t tell you how much I enjoy not making a car payment every month. I’m going to keep up the maintenance so I can keep this car as long as possible. If I could live a life that didn’t require a car, even better.
Can you get by with public transport? Can you get a smaller car? Or make an attempt to pay off your car payments sooner?
4. Credit card debt.
While I didn’t rack up large credit card debt, credit card debt was always weighing down my finances when married. I no longer purchase anything that I can’t afford. If I need to put it on a credit card, I’m going to save up and purchase it when I have the funds. The interest is exorbitant and continues to accrue.
Work on paying off one credit card at a time until you pay it all off.
5. Furniture.
Every move while married required a U-Haul truck. Why? Our furniture, our books, our clothing, our desks and more. Post marriage, I’ve made sure that everything I own can fit into my car, including the only two pieces of furniture I own: a fold-up chair and fold-up table. Now, when I move, I just pack up the car in one car load. Whatever I can’t pack into the car, I donate.
Can you use your car as a way to measure how many things you have in your life? Can you buy furniture used and sell them when you’re moving? Can you reduce the amount of furniture you have in the first place?
6. A bed.
A bed is nice, comfortable and great to sleep on. So is a sleeping bag. I’ve been bed-less and happy. While a bed won’t fit into the car, my reliable sleeping bag and pillows always will. Plus, I can pack them up when I stay over with friends or go camping. Did you know that the floor is better for your back?
7. A television.
So much of our marriage was wasted on the television. We could have spent more time together instead of wasting our time on the noise box. A television robs you from meaningful conversation and quality time.
Try living without your television for a week – you’ll live, I promise. The shows will go on without you. You’ll also be blessed with hundreds of hours to contribute to society or work on your dreams.
8. Photo albums.
After our divorce, I was so distraught that I threw out our photos, including my personal wedding album. I found that tossing your photos will allow you to move on after your divorce. If you need some for any reason, scan them and toss the paper photos away. Photos consume space and keep you stuck to your past memories.
9. Books.
I stopped buying them and stopped storing them. I stopped moving them around every time I moved apartments. Books are heavy and usually only get read once. Choose digital books over paper ones. Use the library, which can order almost book for you. You can borrow it and return it. Read books for free while reducing the physical clutter in your home.
10. Clothes.
I haven’t given up clothing and donned a loin cloth, but I have gotten rid of clothing that I no longer wear. If I haven’t worn it in the past six months, I’ve gathered it up and donated it. In my closet, I have one pair of pants that I wear daily and about a dozen shirts, from t-shirts to long-sleeve shirts.
You are not wearing most of the clothes in your wardrobe. Have you worn it in the past 6 months? Are you holding onto it because of sentimental value? Are you keeping it for when you lose a few pounds and can fit back into your clothing? Whatever the reason is, know that you can live without it. Donate your clothes and give your closets some breathing room. Watch how much you value the clothes that you do have in your closets after you down-size your wardrobe. Check out this blog for ideas on minimizing your wardrobe.
11. Monthly subscriptions.
You can cancel your monthly subscriptions that you don’t love. Magazines, music, and online programs that have limited value in your life have to stop. These companies thrive on getting you to sign up for monthly subscriptions. Cancel your subscriptions and see if you miss any of them. If you can’t live without something, try the library. You will likely find the same movies and music there at no cost.
12. Stuff.
Have you noticed that you have items lying around that you might use only once a year or once every 5 years? Camping equipment, skiing equipment, backpacking tools, whitewater rafting gear and more.
If you haven’t used something in the past 6 months, consider giving it away. If you need it in the future, borrow it from someone. Stop accumulating other trinkets, household items and decorative items that you don’t need. Don’t just de-clutter your life, de-own.
13. Frivolous spending.
Have you ever gotten to the end of the month and wondered where all your money went? If you look at your monthly bank statement, you’ll see it went to a shirt purchase there, a lamp purchase here, a dozen coffee purchases and more. Corporate America wants you to spend without checking your wallet or bank account. If you became more conscious in your spending by setting up a basic budget every month, you would be able to save money for all those things that really matter to you. Stop frivolous spending and opt for conscious, intentional spending.
14. Superficial friendships.
Why stop at materialism and consumerism? While you’re reducing and minimizing, look at friendships. Your friendships take up a large chunk of your time and your life. I looked at many of my friendships after my divorce. I decided to let go of the friendships that I was holding onto simply because of nostalgia or sentimentalism. I also let go of negative friendships that were bringing me down. Choose friendships that help you grow and that uplift you.
How you choose your friendships is how you choose to spend your time.
15. Your dreams.
I’m not suggesting you let go of your dreams. What I am saying is that you need to materialize these dreamy notions of what you’ll do one day and do that today. For me, that was writing. I always had this writing dream, but never took to writing. The divorce changed that and got me motivated about pursuing what I believe is part of my bigger life purpose. So, I started writing. A half million words and 4 self-published books later, I’m so grateful I found the motivation to start. Don’t leave this world with your dreams in your heart. Take a small step today to help you make your dreams a reality.
16. Your bucket list.
Ditto with your bucket list. By definition, a bucket list is something that you want to do but will do later in your life. Except…you might not have time later in your life. You might not even be here later in your life. Why push off the experiences you most desire for a day that might never come? Prioritize your bucket list and start working on turning your bucket list items into adventures you can take today.
17. Your religion.
As I was experiencing a life-shifting earthquake of divorce, I also began to question the faith that I grew up in and my spiritual pursuits. Don’t follow a spiritual life by default or because it is the religion of your parents. Question truth, experience truth and search for your own truth. You may have to give up what you had always thought to be true. Give up your attachment to your religion to experience truth today. You may have to set foot into a new place of worship, pick up a scripture you’ve never read or ask questions you previously haven’t.
18. What people think.
Everyone you know will have an opinion about your life and what you need to do next. Listen to no one except yourself. People will advise you for a variety of reasons, but mostly to get you to do what they want. Each person has an agenda, knowingly or unknowingly, which they expect you to follow. When you don’t measure up to society’s values or demands, you’re going to feel out of place. You’re not out of place. It’s society that’s out of place. You don’t have to live a society-prescribed life. Ignore the noise and tune in internally to listen to your own wisdom.
19. Comparisons.
Your whole life you’ve been compared to others. Now, you just do it naturally. An easy way to feel down is to compare yourself to someone who is doing better than you and think that you don’t measure up. Remember – you’re not in a race against anyone else. The race is between you and yourself only. The goal is to improve and become a better version of yourself in comparison to who you are today. Let go of society’s attempts to measure you against others. While you’re at it, ignore the Facebook and Instagram lifestyle of people you know. Just because someone is pursuing their dream and living the life they desire, it doesn’t mean you should be living their life. Do what you want.
20. Ego.
Your ego is your psyche. It’s this part of you that defines you. It’s how you see yourself. Your ego wants to be complimented, wants to feel important and always wants more. It hates to feel unworthy or be put down. Now is the time to look at your ego’s role in your life.
Notice how hungry it is and how it is always looking for more. Observe how it is never satisfied and easily offended. After acknowledging your ego, work on releasing it from your life. Tell your ego that you’ll be fine without its protection and insatiable hunger for more.
21. Expectations.
Most of my disappointments and feelings of inadequacy have come from my expectations in life. I’m not talking about expectations when I’m pursuing a goal or trying to achieve something I had set out to do. I’m talking about expectations of where my life should be and what I should have achieved by a certain time. I know that it’s ultimately pressure from the outside world and comparisons to others that lead to these unrealistic expectations.
Learn to live your life as it shows up instead of expecting to be at a certain place by a certain time. Let go of expectations by allowing life to take the lead.
by Vishnu | Mar 5, 2016 | Love and Relationships
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by Vishnu | Feb 21, 2016 | Overcoming Challenges, Self Love
By guest writer, Kimesha Coleman
For years I intentionally choose to live as a victim. Yes, it’s true.
I choose to be a victim. At any time I could have chosen not to be a victim in any situation, but I didn’t make that choice. I chose to drift through life blaming others for my issues and complaining about my problems as if I would one day receive the highest achievement award for “most miserable”. Most importantly, I choose to be unhappy.
There was one particular evening I sat faintly and hopelessly in my seriously consideration whether or not I should drive myself to the emergency room as I waited for the red light to turn green. My kids were out of control, my head was spinning and now the cars behind me were honking at me to go. What a day!
I had just finalized my second divorce and started a new job. While I should’ve been somewhat happy about my new found freedom and job opportunity, I actually felt as if I was losing my mind.
I couldn’t picture myself as a mental patient so the battle in my head was over how bad off I would be if I waited to get treatment. Meaning that if I went now, I won’t be as “crazy” and could probably cope better than I’ve seen others. I felt like I was having what they called a nervous breakdown.
I’d experienced a lot of hurt over the last 30 plus years and carried the barrels of poison around with me. Not really sure what I was hoping to gain by holding all that toxic waste inside but the load finally became too heavy for me to carry. I knew first hand that medication would only cover up the symptoms and wouldn’t give me the peace, love, and wholeness I was longing for.
At this point I was way beyond sick and tired of being sick and tired. Instead of driving myself to ER, I went home and I prayed. I’m talking about a 72 hour spiritual rally, 3 day conference of soul seeking, crying, and knee bowing come to Jesus meeting. I asked God to remove the things that was not of him from me, to cleanse my mind and heart, and to show me how to love.
Acknowledge your past pain
Acknowledging your past pain is the first step in healing. I grew up not knowing who my biological father was. On top of that, my step father and mother divorced shortly after I announced that his brother had been molesting me.
My step father had been around since I was 2 years old. He was my father, the only male figure I saw each and every day for the last 10 years. Now he was gone.
This stuck with me for a while. I had split my family apart. Well this is what the 12 year old child thought. What else would I think? No one said anything to me about what was going on.
Never was there a talk between my mother and I about my step father not coming back home. He was just gone. He had abandoned me. He left us and never came to see me. He didn’t even call to say “Hi”. I wasn’t even worth a phone call?
My pain was the feeling of abandonment which involves the sense of loss. There is little or no closure just like grieving from a departed friend or love one. No farewells and no last words; just loss.
Unlike death which is certain, abandonment is uncertain.
Questioning and wondering whether the loved one will ever return, why they left, and struggling with if I could ever trust people again in fear they will abandon me. Similar to being rejected, being abandoned can accompany a great loss of self-worth.
Step 2: Identify your symptoms
Abandonment hurts deeply. Coping with abandonment you will either become overly needy or require a lot of attention and reassurance, or you go to extreme measures to never allow yourself to truly care for anyone ever again (avoiding relationships).
I fell in the never allow myself to care for anyone again category (re-abandonment). Keeping everyone away from my heart and at arm’s length so I wouldn’t get too deeply involved. So just in case abandonment occurred my hurt wouldn’t be that bad. I didn’t pick and choose who I put in this category. Therefore, I put everyone in the same category including friends, relatives, and romantic partners as well.
In my book, He Loves Me Not: Buried Tears of Betrayed Love, I tell of my dating experience and strangely how I repeatedly dated the same men but each with a different name. None of my relationships ever lasted longer than 9 months. After the breakup, this is when I would enter the re-abandonment stage re-living the pain from my childhood all over again.
On the flip side of this, you may deal with abandonment by attempting to fill the empty space in with anyone who is willing to give you attention. This may make you appear to come on too strong too in a relationship, which can scare off a potential partner or friend and increasing your sense of worthlessness. Again re-living the pain all over again.
Step 3: Take action
To identify and put some closure to my pain, I sought out a psychotherapist. We were able to identify my trigger points that caused me to feel emotional sad, hurt, and unworthy in certain situations or even around certain people. I traded my pain for love and created healthier relationships.
One technique that I used to increase my self-love was looking in the mirror and telling myself “I love you”. It felt very strange and awkward at first but I continued to say the words in the mirror and eventually became my own best friend.
I chose love myself and from here I can truly love someone else.
Life does not give you the absolute certainty that our relationships will always remain the same and consistent. However, with time, and even counseling, healing the wound of abandonment can begin and even allowing yourself to trust again.
Say “Yes” to love. Self-love.
In all, be aware of how you feel in every area of your life, situation, and how other people make you feel. This may be your body warning you or it may be a trigger from an old undealt with issue. It’s important to be happy. And if you didn’t know, being happy is your choice.
It doesn’t matter what happened or who did it, it’s still your choice to forgive and choose to be happy in life. Being aware of how you feel, acknowledging your pain, identifying your symptoms, and taking action is the greatest act of self-love you can give to yourself.
Give yourself compassion rather than judging yourself as weak. Take this healing process as an opportunity to build self-reliance and unconditional self-love. This process can be slow and require you to accept yourself as an individual. In the end you’ll be more self-assured and emotionally stable.
Start today by making a decision to be happy and heal your pain.
Author, Transformational Coach, and Inspirational Speaker, Kimesha Coleman works with individuals who have experienced some form of abuse, suffering from low self-esteem, or feeling of unworthiness to break free from their invisible jail. Kimesha recently published her book, “He Loves Me Not; Buried Tears of Betrayed Love” that tells of her own compelling story of how she went from victim to victor. Visit www.coachingbykimesha.com or www.facebook.com/yourstorytolive for more information.
