You don’t have to merely survive divorce if you’re going through one.
You definitely won’t be surviving divorce if you did divorce the charmed divorce way.
Leah Scott and Robin Sassi, bloggers and authors over at Charmed Divorce, wrote a book in 2017 that I’ve been reading over the years whenever I needed a shot of inspiration or a good laugh.
This book is like having a couple girl-friends giving you divorce advice over a glass of wine.
You’ll cry, you’ll laugh, and possibly forget you’re going through a divorce by the time you finish this book.
Interestingly, the two women start and end the book with the two words, “Get Laid”.
Now, this is in no way a sex book of any kind but the authors do stress the importance of sex in the first and last page of the book.
This is one sure way to have a charmed divorce, right? Lots of sex?!
Here are their other 10 tips on surviving your divorce charmingly well from the book Charmed Divorce.
10 ways to survive divorce charmingly well.
1. Taking care of yourself.
“How your body feels affects the way your mind operates and positive body conditioning is good for the soul. Working on yourself from the outside in is a way to feel good inside out.”
One of things that both women encourage is taking care of yourself and treating yourself well in divorce. They suggest an hour a day of self –care for your body, mind and soul. They say it’s time do whatever it takes to feel good even if you might be feeling lousy.
2. Appreciate the small stuff.
“With all the changes you are going through, life can appear overwhelming and unstable. Appreciating the small things will make the big things less daunting. Remember: small things. By small, we mean miniscule.”
They encourage showing appreciation for all the small things that are going right in your life. Remind yourself how good you have it. You may not be able to control the bigger things in your life but replace that with the tiny joy of everyday life.
3. Get through the hard stuff.
“Cry, stomp, rage, scream. Do these things and then be done with it. It is only when you process those emotions that you can move on with the right attitude. What is that attitude? You can get through this.”
You don’t have to run away from the hard stuff. Divorce will be the hardest thing you will be going through emotionally. Feel your feelings and experience the emotions to survive divorce. The women promise you that it does get better after you get through.
4. Declutter your life.
“Clutter that piles up in your mind will make it difficult to think clearly. It’s time to take inventory of your house and your mind. This will help you create your new life and new space. “
Decluttering will help you with the letting go process. First, clean out the physical stuff and then work on the mental stuff that is occupying your mind. Having less stuff will help you get more productive and feel more relaxed. You can fill your physical space and your mind with the things that bring you happiness.
5. Stay open-minded to new experiences.
“Make a list of things that you have thought about trying but never felt you had the time for. It could be a new type of food, class or social group.”
To get out of the rut of an unfulfilling marriage, try experiment and doing new things. The women suggest getting out of your comfort zone. Explore parts of yourself that were lying dormant. It’s time to live it up with adventure and change of routine.
6. Discover what you want to do with your life
“What better time than to start something new whether it’s a business idea, a new way of eating or exercising, or that craft you were always so good at making. ”
Be creative and explore what you’re passionate about in life. Reconsider if you’re career is something you enjoy doing or is it time to try something else. Consider starting that new business you had in mind. Try out different things that you feel drawn toward and start living a more passionate life. You are now free to.
7. Exercising bravery
“The fear you may feel come from anticipating the world without a partner. This is where you learn to be brave and discover that being alone is not the end of the world.”
They remind you that you’re going to have to find the courage to live a braver life. You’re going to have to do a whole bunch of things you don’t feel like doing after the marriage ends. This takes conscious effort, determination, and continually showing up for difficult and challenging situations.
8. Discover yourself
“This is the time to ‘date’ yourself. It’s time to take yourself to a movie, out to eat, or to some other event – alone.”
You need alone time post divorce to get to know yourself more. Only when you know yourself can you go forward and be in a better and healthier relationship. They recommend taking yourself out, eating and watching movies alone, to get to know yourself better.
9. Celebrate
“A ‘just divorced’ party is the celebration of the conclusion of the legal process of your divorce…Completing the divorce is a great reason to celebrate.”
You’ve reached a milestone and may have been stressed for the past few months or years while you survived divorce. No better way to celebrate, enjoy with friends and have a party!
10. Have great sex ?!
“It is time to enjoy your new life. What better way than to have some great sex? So go on, and get laid! You deserve the attention and pleasure.”
As I mentioned the women, start and end the book with this tip so there’s probably something to it. They recommend this because they say it’s time to start enjoying your new life. You deserve the attention and the pleasure.
The two authors have put a positive spin on the D-word in this book, Charmed Divorce. The women say that a charmed divorce is enjoying your new life post divorce, being strong and keeping a smile on your fact. They did it and remind you that you can too.
If you’re going through a divorce, do yourself a favor and pick up Charmed Divorce in the Amazon store today. You don’t have to simply survive divorce. You can get through it charmingly well.
“If you are irritated by every rub, how will your mirror be polished?” Rumi
It was the holidays.
It was the New Year.
It was just Valentine’s day.
When do we ever start the diet?
I think of myself as relatively healthy and swim a couple times a week.
Unfortunately it’s the carbs (&*$%#@@!* Indian food) and sweets (pies, cakes and candy bars) that are my downfall.
No matter how much I tried to avoid these things, I feel they are a constant and comfortable presence in my life. They constantly contribute to the additional 10 pounds of weight that I can do without.
Now, how many of us survive the holidays and stuff ourselves with all delicacies and then find ourselves in the new year resolving to eat less and be healthier?
How many times do you look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself in a dramatic tone, “why ….why did you do this? Why did you indulge and wallop those savory gulab jamuns and sweet potato pies !!!”
How many times do you avoid looking at the mirror when you walk into the bathroom ?
How many times have you thought to yourself that you only want to look at yourself after you’re back to your ideal weight?
Maybe I’m oversharing here but the additional 10 pounds of weight – the “comfort pounds” as I’ll now start referring to them as are visibly more apparent when I look at myself in the mirror.
I wouldn’t usually notice this weight (trick here is to regularly buy oversized pants and shirts J so you’ll never notice when your weight creeps up by a few pounds here and there).
Anyway, where were we?
Oh yeah, looking at mirrors.
I wouldn’t notice this weight…except…
when looking at myself shaving or brushing my teeth, looking into the mirror.
I would notice my eating habits, my love for that cocaine like substance, sugar, and the additional comfort pounds that are now part of my life.
The Notorious B.I.G used to say “Mo money, mo problems” but let me venture to say…
More mirror, more problems.
Which now brings me to a topic that I touched on last week.
How to recognize our past blame at our ex’s and start shifting of responsibilities back to ourselves.
I talked about how to stop blaming our ex’s and taking responsibility for our lives if we wanted to move on.
While we do need to end the blame game, your ex was helpful in one way.
Your ex was the mirror to yourself.
Your ex helped show where the flaws and spider webs were.
Your ex helped show you what needed a fix-up, a touch-up or a complete make-over.
You likely hated every minute that you were shown these flaws because this space is uncomfortable and unpleasant.
Yet instead of looking at this as something to work on or improve, you likely got angry and frustrated with your ex.
You likely demonized them and wondered what was wrong with them.
You likely told all your friends and family that you were being tortured and couldn’t handle the nastiness of the relationship.
It was our flaws but we made the person in the mirror responsible, not realizing that we were ultimately the ones in the mirror.
No point beating up ourselves about this now.
You can’t change the past.
You can reflect on it.
You can inquire about what were the things you missed looking in the mirror.
You can take responsibility for it.
You can get to work on improving those things.
I’m going to share what one of the biggest shortcomings/flaws that our ex’s mirrored back to us next week.
In the meantime, what did your ex show you about yourself?
What did you need to work on?
What are your skeletons?
What did you see in the mirror?
Hit reply and let me know.
And of course, if you’re not on the V-team email list, get on it please 🙂
She was so difficult, challenging and uncompromising.
She couldn’t give in, not even an inch.
So many of these thoughts swirled through my mind as I squarely placed the blame for my divorce on my ex.
When the marriage ended, my blame meter was supercharged.
If she had just changed, everything would have been ok.
If she had been just a little more forgiving or a little more respectful or a little more accommodating, we could have made it work.
I was angry with her not only for the marriage’s end but for the way she showed up in the marriage.
I felt she had so many problems and I simply couldn’t fix them.
What a difference 7 years makes!
My journey to coming to terms with my divorce and moving on came down to one very basic and profound lesson about love, relationships and life.
Ready?
It has nothing to do with anyone else.
Let me repeat: Your journey and your growth and your happiness have little to do with other people.
Your partners and spouses are simply mirrors of whom you really are.
All the issues you find in your ex have more to do with you than with them.
I know.
You don’t agree.
I don’t want to agree.
I want to fight this notion and I did fight it for years.
Until the epiphany one day: What if it was me?
What???
How sacrilegious of me to say this!
How disrespectful to myself!
Yet, that’s what I can ultimately share with you about my most profound experience from divorce.
It really had nothing, or very little, to do with the other person.
(I understand that in some situations, the other person is violent or abusive, or has serious underlying issues. In such cases, that person is responsible.)
Those of us who get divorced are on the high-speed train to inner growth, spiritual growth and wisdom. But ….
only if we let that happen.
This can start only when we take the blame off the other person and focus on ourselves.
Let’s say you don’t quite agree and are intent on convincing me that the other person was the one at fault.
Your ex cheated on you, was mentally or emotionally abusive towards you, left you…
Even in these cases, I’m suggesting that those are things you have very little control over.
You CANNOT change, correct or fix your ex or anyone else in your future.
You CAN make wiser and smarter decisions about whom you choose to be with.
And…you can try to figure out what issues you brought to the table, how you dealt with your ex and what you can do differently.
This was my biggest lesson. It doesn’t have to be yours.
If you strongly blame your ex and believe your ex is at fault, fine.
You can let it be but you may be robbing yourself of the opportunity to take responsibility, do your own inner work and improve your own life.
If you’re ready to move past the blame game and holding your ex responsible for everything that happened in the past, it’s time to get honest about some of the questions you’re asking yourself.
How could you have shown up differently in the relationship?
How did you make things worse for you or your ex in your relationship?
How could you have handled things differently in your past relationship?
What are your triggers and shortcomings when it comes to relationships?
What kind of help or tools do you need going forward?
What are the lessons and insights your former guru, your ex, was able to leave you with?
What are you still angry about?
What are you still resenting?
What are the things you need to forgive and let go of?
Who are you becoming with this self-awareness, knowledge and insight about yourself?
The longer you hold onto the blame, the longer it’ll take for you to move on.
This doesn’t happen overnight or immediately.
It took me several years to go from blaming my ex to slapping myself in the face and realizing that I was the one who had the issues!
Again, she may have had issues too but it wasn’t my job to fix them. I don’t have the tools to help her solve her issues, triggers and shortcomings.
All I could have done was point them out to her and all she could have done was the same.
If you’re resisting what I’m saying, I get it.
It took me the better part of a decade to get here.
It’s so much easier to blame and shift responsibility.
It’s convenient and comfortable to feel like nothing is wrong with you and that you brought no issues to the table.
It doesn’t require us to do any work or take any action yet we are losing the self-growth and insight that accepting responsibility fosters.
Have you taken responsibility for your past relationship? Did you play a role in the deterioration of your marriage or relationship?
I’m curious to hear what you have to say. Drop me a line and reply to my email.
If you’re not getting emails, sign up for my weekly messages so we can communicate.
Unlike Indian divorce, our marriages involve so much pomp, celebration and joy.
Color, jewelry, family, food, elaborate and exotic celebrations.
Our marriages create happy tears and celebrate love. They involve so many traditions, so much culture and sentimentality.
Indian culture CAN handle death well too.
We have respectful ways of mourning and celebrating dead relatives. We have done this for generations. We have rituals, remembrances, memorials, ceremonies galore. We have Ganges River cremations that leave a permanent imprint on the souls of the mourners. We know what to say, what to do and how soon to complete each step.
We can die and mourn the dead like no one else can.
Indian divorce, on the other hand, is a whole other story.
While we have mastered marriage and even death, we are terrible at divorce.
Indian divorce scares Indians, even if divorce is on the rise throughout the Indian community. This has made my own divorce difficult to manage and cope with.
Imagine you’re going through the most stressful experience of your life and the people you love most are isolating and shaming you because of it.
People run from you like you have Valley Fever, the mumps or Ebola. Indian divorce is filled with shame and stigma.
To the normal and rational person, the theories and myths Indians perpetuate about divorce are nutty and odd.
If you think you’re going through a bad divorce, consider Indian divorce and feel a little better about your situation.
18 unhealthy and kooky myths about Indian divorce:
1. You’re at fault.
It doesn’t matter what happened or who did what. You’re at fault. You caused this divorce because of your behavior, your attitude, or your plain and simple desire to bring great shame to your family. No one in your inner circle cares about the reason or rationale. Keep your excuses and your tears to yourself, mate. No matter what you say, you’re the one who caused this divorce.
2. You can’t “adjust”.
You were stubborn and bull-headed growing up. Speaking to you was like speaking to a wall. No one could convince you to do anything then and, sure enough, your partner can’t rationalize with you now. You refused to listen, to compromise, to give in and give way. Your family is convinced that not only are you the problem but you can never change your stubborn character or strong opinions.
3. You’re an alcoholic, wife beater or cheater.
If you’re a man divorcing, you’re definitely going to hear that you are one of these things. You either drank, beat your wife or cheated on her. Having a drink at a holiday party will make you a drunk. Covering your body as your partner throws dishes at you will make you an abuser. Talking to another woman – any woman, be she a colleague, supervisor or friend – will make you a lying, cheating demon.
4, You’re sleeping around with other men, most likely an ex-lover.
If you’re a woman, more than likely you are getting a divorce because you are still in love with an ex-lover. You married your current husband only so you could get to America or Canada, where your previous lover was waiting for you. If not one lover, you have many. Your insatiable appetite for sex OR your lack of desire for sex led to the divorce!
5. It’s the woman’s fault.
If you’re a woman, no matter what happened, it’s your fault. You are the divorce-initiator, home-wrecker, reputation-ruiner. You’re the outcast.
You had the power, ability and wisdom to give in, adjust, compromise and make it work. You chose not to make any adjustments because you wanted to punish your poor parents. Your divorce is simply a way to get back at your family, who raised you with love and affection.
Oh, and not only is your parents’ happiness gone but your dad’s chest has been hurting of late. You might be the reason why he develops heart issues, diabetes or any other health condition within the next 20 years.
6. You married only for the green card.
This is not a joke. This is probably the first reason I hear when anyone in the Indian community gets a divorce in America. Oh, she married him for the green card. She married him to get to America. Once she achieved her American dream, she let go of her marital nightmare. Marriage was just a way to get what she wanted. A marriage certificate until citizenship certificate. When you get one, you let go of the other.
7. Your karma is at fault.
You were likely a royal torturer in your past life. You raped and pillaged cities and countries. In your former life you were a terrible human being, the lowest of the low, and you were reborn as you in this life. Now you are going to pay for your past sins. You were so bad in your last life, you were likely a lawyer, dictator, murderer or evil-monger of some sort. What goes around comes around.
8. Your fate is at fault.
You’re cursed and your fate is the reason why you brought suffering upon yourself. This isn’t so much karma (which you can do something about) but fate (which you have no control over). The Gods have written your life story and determined that you are going to suffer. They pre-destined you to live a lonely, sad, depressed and tragic existence. They have cursed you with a contentious, non-mutual consent Indian divorce! You have no hope and no future. Lunch, anyone?
9. Your astrology and your time are at fault.
You got married at the wrong time, an inauspicious time. Neither you nor your parents listened to the temple priest, pandit or family astrologer regarding the right time and day to have your marriage. Therefore, the Gods have cursed you. Also, it wasn’t the right time in your life to get married. You were in your cursed and inauspicious 7-year circle, when the demons were out for your head. Of course this marriage didn’t last. When you ignore the stars and the Gods, you’re on your own.
10. You didn’t marry the person your parents wanted for you.
How can anyone trust you to find someone? Why did you think your own decisions would be the right ones? If you’re going to start doing wild things and thinking for yourself, you deserve the consequences of your decisions. If you had married the nice boy from the orthodox and wealthy family your parents had desired for you, everything would have worked out fine. If you had listened to them, you would have succeeded. Because you didn’t heed their advice and marital selection, you’re doomed and will fail at everything you do.
11. Your divorce is contagious.
Your behavior and actions will influence anyone who crosses your path, especially people who are getting married. Your rebellious nature, your disrespect of tradition and culture, your hatred of the patriarchy will not only doom you but spread these ideas to anyone who crosses your path. People in your life, especially those who love you or claim they do, will ensure that you have no contact with the innocent, the single, the ambitious or the good. They will keep you in a cell, away from productive and good people.
12. You’re a bad omen.
The rain falls, the stock market tanks and all the calamities you or your family now face are because of your bad omen. You are the cause of that drought, hurricane or terrible agricultural season. Sorry to say but you’re bad luck to all those you come in contact with. If someone is betting, they should stay away from you. If someone is celebrating an engagement or a baby, they should stay away from you. If someone is walking down the street, they should travel on the other side so a bus doesn’t hit them.
13. Your family didn’t raise you correctly.
While your family will blame you for your divorce, don’t fear. There’s plenty of blame to pass around. For example, everyone else you’ve loved, known or trusted your entire life will blame your family for raising such a useless, destructive and rebellious child. People will begin to wonder about the mental health and parenting skills of the parents of divorcees. You will become a bad reflection of yourself and your family, your culture and your community. If there were an Indian hall of shame, you would have a prominent place in it.
14. Your family members can’t show themselves in public.
Every person your family sees in public will take a swipe at you … or so your parents believe. Every question about you will lead to more shame and resentment. Your parents, and possibly your extended family, will tire of their association with you, tire of answering questions about you and tire of hearing your name. You live far away and don’t have to see the community and people you’ve known your whole life. They, on the other hand, must remain in solitary confinement, hiding from the people and places they’ve known and visited their entire lives.
15. You’re a bad example.
You must remain locked up and far away from younger siblings, nephews, nieces, cousins and all impressionable people. Others might notice your wicked ways and get strange ideas about divorce or being happy. Per your karma and fate, you must suffer in misery rather than find happiness. You got married for your family and must make all life decisions for your family. You shouldn’t set bad examples for future generations. We need mentors, academic superstars, spelling bee champions and heart surgeons … not divorcees.
16. You’ll live in abject poverty and sadness and die alone.
Our parents really do believe this about our lives after divorce. If the best potential partner for us, our former spouses, could reject us, who else could possibly want us? You are destined to live in sadness, and in that sadness you will find loneliness. In that loneliness, you will find poverty – either material, emotional or spiritual. Your world, as you know it, is over.
The rest of the world will be happy, celebrate festivals, buy gold and watch Bollywood movies but you will not. You will be sad, depressed and regretful, and will live in misery.
17. The only thing worse than what you’ve already done is therapy.
Nope, not only are we not going to support you and be there for you in your darkest hour, we want to let you know loud and clear that we don’t want you to seek additional help. Please don’t shame us more by getting a therapist and talking to a bunch of nutty mental health people. That’s a Western thing, and we don’t do it. You’re not as crazy as we think you are. Well, you are crazy but don’t go to a therapist and prove it to everyone else. Let us preserve some dignity and respect. Don’t visit a therapist and confirm to us that you’re a nut job.
18. Your only hope for redemption is … another marriage.
You have caused us so much shame and suffering. You have embarrassed your family, your community, your ancestors and your country! You have only one way to redeem yourself: a second marriage (Shaadi.com, please) You can continue to be the disappointment and failure that you are or you can say “I do” to the partner we choose and get married on the date we pick.
Now, who’s ready for a big fat small lonely Indian divorce?
For my books on healing from heartbreak and divorce, visit my Amazon link here.
“I can predict whether a couple will divorce after watching and listening to them for just fifteen minutes.” John Gottman, Ph.D
If you had a crystal ball, would you have predicted divorce?
I sure wouldn’t have. No one ever gets married thinking they’re going to get divorced.
Are there tell-tale signs of divorce? According to John Gottman, professor psychology and researcher who has studied thousands of marriages, the answer is yes!
Thanks to years of scientific data and analysis in his laboratory in Washington observing and following up with real-life married couples, here’s what Dr. Gottman found.
It doesn’t take science for these concepts to make sense. Any one of us who’s been in a divorce can easily to recognize these very destructive behaviors we committed in our marriages which ultimately led to our divorce.
His analysis can be found in his New York Times bestselling book, The Seven Principles for Marking Marriage Work. Oh, and course, if you’re wondering what those 7 principles are, come back for next week’s post.
(And I don’t have to say this but if you would like to get all my posts and never miss a post, please put your name in the subscribe box in the sidebar of this page)
So what did studying thousands of marriages, couples and relationships show about divorce?
In listening to couples quarrel in the lab and fight as they are being studied, here are the signs that lead to divorce in relationships.
1. Starting off harshly. If your discussion starts harshly and filled with negativity, the discussion is going to end in a fight. “Statistics tell the story,” per Gottman, “96 percent of the time you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes of the fifteen-minute interaction!” He’s not saying if you start negatively, you’re going to have a divorce but if you have enough negative conversations which end poorly, you’re going to find yourself divorcing down the road.
2. Criticism: Gottman points out there are differences between complaints and criticism. Complaints are when you’re not happy when your spouse did something and you express your feelings to her about what she did wrong. A criticism, however, takes it to another level by attacking the person’s character or personality. You don’t simply comment that you’re upset that your wife spends too much money but complains that she’s a spend-thrift who is out to bankrupt you. You don’t complain that the meal is not tasty (this is a dangerous complaint by the way) but you go on to say that she isn’t good at anything or she can’t even do the simplest of things in life!
3. Contempt: Contempt is when you feel superior to your partner and disrespect her. You cultivate contempt by building up a whole series of things that you’re unhappy with and then don’t talk about. Partners who are contemptuous take on the higher moral ground and question the other person’s ability, worth, skills or behavior. You build up disgust and anger towards each over a period of time. You lose respect for each and believe you’re no longer equals but better than the other person. Every mistake or error in the relationship allows you to become even more contemptuous and lash out at each other.
4. Defensiveness. Often times, when you’re defending yourself in an argument, you’re really blaming the other person. You take the position of an innocent victim and lay the blame at the feet of the other person. “Defensiveness in all its guises just escalates the conflict, which is why it’s so deadly,” Gottman observes. Defensiveness means you’re not accepting responsibility for your part of the interaction and instead shifting blame back on your spouse.
5. Stonewalling. This was my favorite and I’m sure how most men handle conflict in marriages. In a regular conversation you pay attention and look at the person speaking. You listen, make up your mind, respond and go back and forth with each other. The stonewaller, however doesn’t participate in the conversation. “He tends to look away or down without uttering a sound,” Gottman writes, “He sits like an impassive stone wall…acts as though he couldn’t care less about what you’re saying, if he even hears it.” You feel that you can’t win no matter what and it would be easier to get through the hour by not being present or pretending not to listen. Stonewalling is not getting sucked into the drama you observe is going on.
6. Flooding. The reason men and sometimes, women, stonewall, is because they experience a feeling called flooding. “It occurs when your spouse’s negativity is so intense and sudden that it leaves you shell-shocked.” You try to avoid feeling flooding or flooded that you stonewall and keep the attacks at you at bay by not responding. One person is not able to handle the other person’s hostility, criticism, contempt, etc. If you feel flooded often, you’ll start distancing yourself emotionally which will ultimately lead to growing apart, feeling lonely and divorcing.
7. Failed Repair Attempts. Repair attempts are efforts couples make to reduce the tension of a situation, take a break from an argument or put the brakes on where a conversation is going. It’s humor, or changing subjects or taking the heat of any given situation. When couples don’t repair the above common practices, tension and resentment continues to build up. When couples are criticizing and being contemptuous, there is little room for repair, making flooding more pronounced and leading to one or both spouses withdrawing.
Even if a marriage has all of the other faults above but the couples can repair arguments and the behaviors above successfully, the marriage remains successful in the long run. When there were no repair attempts or when the repairs were drowned out, marriages eventually ended.
These signs of what lead to the destruction of a marriage may be sad and depressing. It may trigger memories for you of all the behavior you both exhibited in your marriage.
How do you actually make marriage work? You can wait for my post next week on the 7 principles of making marriage work or you can pick up The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Workhere.
“For hatred does not cease by hatred at any time: hatred ceases by love. This is an unalterable law.” Eknath Easwaran
How do you go about finding peace after divorce?
For some time after my marriage, I believed that my ex was intentionally hurting me.
By giving up on our marriage, she was disrupting our lives, the lives of our family members and our close-knit Indian community at large.
I thought the very idea of divorce would hurt all the people we knew – including ourselves.
In your case, your ex could have intentionally hurt you when your relationship ended.
Your ex could have fallen in love with someone else and suggested a divorce so he could move to Portugal to be with the 25-year-old woman of his dreams.
Or, after a 20-year marriage and two kids, your husband could have told you he’s having a baby with his mistress.
Or your ex could have used her support payments – which came from your hard-earned dollars – to create the life of her dreams, travel the world, brainwash your children and make you look like the bad guy.
Your ex could be making your life a living hell, making you question your sanity and filling you with burning anger and resentment.
Your ex may make you want to do what Adnan did to Hae Lee in the Serial podcast (Season 1) and bury the body in Leakin Park.
During this trying time in your life, I believe you have two choices in how your respond to your ex’s behavior.
You can choose to be the victim of your ex’s life and choices or you can go about finding peace after divorce.
Your marriage may have ended and you may have lost your spouse but you don’t have to lose your peace after divorce too.
Here are 7 ways for finding peace after divorce
1. Forgiveness will free and liberate you.
As much as you want to get revenge on your ex and cause them great harm, you are simply creating more problems for yourself. Tormenting your ex will require you to spend more mental and emotional energy fighting with him. Hatred and anger is a losing situation.
Only your forgiveness and the ability to see your ex through a new set of eyes will change your ex. Only your changing your energy will change your ex’s energy. Only letting go of anger and hatred will give you back your life.
If you’re stuck in anger and committed to payback, you’ll spend your time, energy, lawyer’s fees and sanity on a losing battle. Resentment and revenge are losing battles no matter how sweet they may feel at the moment.
The courage to forgive will set you mentally free to live your life and key to finding peace after divorce.
2. Don’t blame yourself for your ex’s actions.
Another way for finding peace is to stop personalizing your ex’s actions.
Whether you believe it or not, your ex isn’t directing everything he or she is doing at you.
Your ex’s decisions may not be wise, productive, or in his best interests, but your ex probably isn’t making these decisions specifically to spite you.
If you are the target of your ex’s anger and vitriol, you must engage in even more understanding and forgiveness.
Remind yourself that you are not responsible for your ex’s behavior. Insecurity, fear, anger and mean-spiritedness may fuel your ex’s actions, but you don’t have to take them personally and you don’t have to believe you caused them.
For finding peace after divorce, you don’t have to blame yourself for what this person is choosing to do.
3. Have an overdose of compassion and gratitude for yourself.
In addition to forgiving your ex, spend some time healing your heart, feeling more compassion for yourself and searching for gratitude.
If you feel compassion for yourself, the fuel of resentment will cool. The fire of hatred will abate a bit. You will hold yourself less responsible for your ex’s actions. You will stop blaming yourself.
Start treating yourself like you would someone you loved – without judgment and with much understanding.
When you meditate on gratitude, you can’t focus on reciprocating pain or being angry at your ex.
4. Take the high road when you face resentment and malice.
Throughout your marriage, you might have enjoyed this tit-for-tat behavior that caused both of your pain.
Yet in your post-marriage life, you may want to create another kind of relationship with yourself and with your ex.
The high road means doing the just and fair thing. It’s letting go of the minor and the petty. It’s ignoring the trivial and not letting insulting words or actions get the best of you.
It’s reminding yourself that you’re the better person and that you can walk the high road even if your ex can’t.
The high road will help you move on while your ex swims in the deep waters of hatred.
5. Take the high road for the benefit of your children.
If you can’t do it for yourself, go about finding peace after divorce for your kids.
How you treat your ex will affect how your children view interpersonal relationships, their parents and their future partners.
If you want to make the greatest contribution to your children’s mental and emotional sanity, show them how to forgive, let go, and treat each other respectfully.
Your children have already gone through something traumatic. To allow your separation to hurt them, even more, isn’t fair.
Your job as a role model and a person will have a longer-lasting effect on your kids than anything you teach or share. Your behavior and attitude towards their other parent will be what matters most to them later in life.
Do it for your kids because they’re watching.
6. Find your own happiness, meaning and fulfillment.
If you get caught up in your ex’s life and what your ex is doing, you’ll be angry often and bitter even more.
For good or bad, you are both out of this marriage.
No point crying over spilt milk, who won “The Bachelorette” this season or who’s in the White House. No, actually, we do need to cry about that, but you don’t need to cry about your marriage any longer.
You don’t need to look towards your ex’s life, your ex’s words or your ex’s actions to determine your own happiness. You don’t need to compare yourself to your ex’s life determine what is meaningful and fulfilling.
No reason to compare, judge or experience irritation over the life your ex is living.
If your ex is traveling the world and living it up, good for him.
If she moved to Italy and is dating the prime minister, good for her.
If he’s getting married two weeks after the divorce papers are finalized, good riddance!
You need to return to yourself.
This is no longer a partnership.
You are no longer filing jointly.
Your happiness, your life’s meaning, your taxes and even your peace after divorce are your responsibility.
Yes, it’s harder this way but adjusting to this new reality gets easier with time.
7. Take ownership of your life.
This all brings me to the fact that you are the only person responsible for your life.
As my friend and fellow author, Andreea, mentioned to me, the waves may be high and dangerous but you’re still in command of your boat.
You have control only over your own life.
You can’t do anything about what your ex does or who she does it with.
You have little say over whom your ex spends his money on or how much younger she is.
You are both done being a part of each other’s lives.
You can allow the divorce to end the relationship you once had and then learn to create a new relationship. This is the renewed relationship of two new single people or two new single parents.
Moving forward requires that you accept your divorce, make peace after divorce, and choose to move forward under new circumstances.
You’re the captain of this boat; you can choose the direction you want to go and you can pick up new people along the way.
It’s time to say au revoir to your divorce and demanding ex and aloha to the new life and relationships that await.
The oars to peace after divorce are in your hands.
If you want to know how to find peace after divorce, check out my book on finding peace after divorce, The Sacred Art of Letting Go. (affiliate link)
I help people overcome their devastating breakups and divorces and find love again. Instead of visiting the Himalayas, sign up below and join me. I am taking a writing break but will be back soon.
This guide is free. A ticket to the Himalayas is $2000. Your move.
