“You cannot let go of a relationship you still want to be in” ~ Vishnu
It was the third getting-to-know-each-other Skype date.
We had discussed how much we were each going to earn in our marriage, the value of the home we were going to buy and how many kids we were going to have.
No, we had not even met in person yet but nothing out of the ordinary here in the world of Indian dating.
As we chatted about our lives and our histories, one question she kept asking me was if I had moved on from my ex.
I can’t imagine why except for the fact that I probably spoke about this aspect of my life unconsciously or consciously for a good part of the time we were chatting.
We (I) talked about my past relationship, the painful breakup, the creation of Vishnu’s Virtues and how I helped people in similar situations.
Several women I been speaking to in the months and years to come asked me if I had gotten over my ex.
I didn’t realize this at the time but I likely was a bit too immersed in the happenings of the past relationship.
I was living my life in the past.
As a matter a fact, I think I was living so much of my life in the past, that I wanted my old life back.
Despite all the pain and the unhappy marriage that we had, I wanted that relationship back. I could not move on from someone I had loved.
Which brings me to this basic point:
You can’t move from someone you love when you’re still holding on to that past relationship.
Let me repeat: you cannot move on if you’re still holding on.
I know this sounds like common sense but it’s important to keep in mind.
If you’re still reminiscing, ruminating, feeling sentimental about a past relationship, you’re not ready to move on from someone you loved once before.
If you’re still wanting to be back in that old relationship, you’re not ready to move on.
If you keep refreshing your email and waiting for your ex’s text to pop up, you’re not ready to move on.
If you’re thinking that you can go back to your old life where your ex would have had an awakening, changed and become a different person, you’re not ready to move on.
You also may be living in California, breathing in that late night ganja, having delusions of the beauty of the past.
You cannot move on when you’re still holding on to your ex.
You cannot invite new people in if you haven’t shown your ex to the door.
Get it?
If you haven’t moved on from someone you loved, why not?
Yes, holding on and going back to someone you loved is convenient but it’s not going to help you grow.
It’s likely not going to lead you to a happy relationship.
Things may not be very much different than before.
If you’re still wanting this relationship of the past, stop dating and meeting other people now.
I knew when I was doing that, I just found reasons about why every single person wouldn’t work. Or sabotaged my own dating so I wouldn’t get to know someone new.
We need to start getting real around here.
You need to have your life back.
You need a new relationship, new love and more happiness.
Isn’t it time to let go once and for all? Isn’t it time to call it quits on the past and honestly let go of the person you once loved so you can find someone new?
If you’re ready to move on and let go and need some support in this process, reach out to me.
If you’ve let go and ready to find someone new, check out my book, Does True Love Exist, in the Amazon store. The book is on sale this week for $.99.
This is especially hard when you’re having trouble letting go of someone who did you wrong, or cheated on you or you were in an unhealthy relationship with.
Why is it even harder to let go of your ex when they hurt you so much?
I’m going to break it down for you today on why you’re having so much difficulty and can’t let go of your ex.
Oh, I made that video for Instagram. Are you following me on Instagram? You can find a lot more regular content from me over there.
4 reasons you can’t go over your ex.
1. What is everyone going to think about about the relationship ending.
You are so terrified about what your family, colleagues, office mates or religious community think.
You are desperately trying to stay together to show everyone that your life isn’t a complete and utter mess. A broken relationship feels like you’re airing all of your dirty laundry outside.
2. You’re not going to have a future.
You think all the good things that will come into your life have passed.
You look back at your past and believe that the past was the best your life is ever going to be.
All of your joys, celebrations, happy moments were in your past. You mistakenly believe that you can never have this again in your future.
3. No one will want to be in a relationship with you again.
This is one of the biggest reasons you can’t let go of your ex no matter how bad they were to you or how badly they did you.
You fear that you never will be in a loving relationship again. You fear that no one will ever want you again.
You fear letting go of last relationship because your battered heart doesn’t feel like it can weather another relationship.
Not only does your heart feel like it can’t handle another relationship but you start believing that you can’t attract another partner again.
The more you believe your ex’s hurtful words, the more likely you will attached to them and the less likely you will feel like getting go.
It’s counter-intuitive because they made you feel so badly about yourself and you started believing whole-heartedly what they said, that you don’t think that you can do better.
You wonder who will ever want you again?
4. There is something wrong with you.
Once again, you believed all of your ex’s words.
Your ex consistently and over time, found all your vulnerabilities and weaknesses, and used them against you.
They exploited your weaknesses so now you believe that your weaknesses are permanent.
The wounds of your past relationship are so deep, you feel like you’re scarred for life.
You believe this because it was repeated to you by someone you loved dearly.
You’re stuck because they made you believe that you were only good enough for them and not good enough for anyone else.
You were a sizzling fire before they tried to extinguish your flame.
You think you can’t let go of your ex but you can.
You can let go of your ex if you become aware of all the things that are keeping you stuck.
You’re stuck in the past because your ex’s words broke your heart and pierced your soul.
I want to assure you that happiness, love and joy are possible.
You can let go of these thoughts and feelings but I want you to know that this is going to take some work.
If you stand by the default story you’re telling yourself about the past and let time pass, you can stay here forever.
If you’re needing some support to start on this journey, get a hold of me for some coaching. You can complete the coaching inquiry form or the contact form to contact me.
“People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.”Thic Nhat Hanh
You want to let go of the past once and for all.
You’ve tried every possible method of letting go of the past…except the spiritual one.
Can spiritual practitioners teach us spiritual steps for letting go of the past?
As I took my own journey of getting over my divorce and overcoming the past, I tried just about every method and practice to let go of the past.
I visited everyone from coaches and therapists to reiki practitioners and Vedic practitioners. I worked with shamans and astrologers.
Letting go of the past took me a very long time. Nothing seemed to work. As we talked about before, I had a long list of reasons as to why I should live in the past.
I loved it there.
You might have loved it there, too.
It was so comforting, welcoming and familiar.
Ultimately, through my spiritual pursuits over the years, I discovered the path to letting go and moving on.
I had been reading about these practices and principles over and over again.
I’d seen them in so many different places and heard about them from spiritual teachers and practitioners.
When I finally did cross over and let the past be the past, I reflected upon the many steps I’d taken to get to that point of letting go once and for all.
No, it didn’t take time to let go of the past; it took work. Letting go of the past took several steps.
It took spiritual steps that were hard to complete. As much as we talk about them, things like acceptance and forgiveness are hard work when you actually start trying to do them.
Yet, you can’t let go and move on until you walk through each of these steps to letting go of the past.
I studied many of the spiritual leaders and authors of our time and tried to reach a consensus as to the spiritual ways of letting go.
If you walk through these 12 steps, you, too, will be able to let go of the heavy burden of being stuck in the past and breathe lightly again.
This may take months or years; however, knowing what the journey looks like is the starting point.
Once you know what the journey looks like, you’ll know what step you’re on and how many steps you must walk through before you’re able to let go once and for all.
A whole new life is waiting for you once you burn your past in the spiritual fire.
The book details these spiritual steps to let go of the past. It explains each step in detail and helps you apply these principles to your daily life so you, too, can let go of the past that is no longer serving you and, instead, embrace the life awaiting you.
Here are 12 steps to let go of the past from my latest book, The Sacred Art of Letting Go.
Step 1 – the Step of Acceptance. You cannot move on until you acknowledge and accept what happened to you. In this step, Eckhart Tolle reminds us to allow life to just be; we should not judge it as good or bad. When you take away the heavy emotions of your past relationship and view the events objectively, you’re better able to accept what happened.
Step 2 – the Step of Releasing your feelings. In this chapter, both Pema Chodron and Ram Dass suggest ways to become curious and inquisitive about the strong feelings you’re experiencing. You can move on only when you find a way to process the emotional storm you’re feeling.
Steps 3 – the Step of Melting Anger. This walks you through ways to release anger towards – and resentment of – your ex. It gives you a myriad of ways to use the power of forgiveness to wash away the anger you carried with you when you left the relationship.
Step 4 – the Step of Choice. You’ll see how much is truly in your control and how you can take charge of the process of letting go. You are not a wind in the storm. You can proactively work on your healing. You have the power of choice. Use the power of reframing to see your situation and circumstances differently.
Step 5 – the Step of Learning. You’ll see how to turn your relationship and the past into learning. You’ll learn how to find wisdom in your pain and use this wisdom in your future relationships. Learn how to turn your ex from a soul enemy into a heart teacher.
Step 6 – the Step of Connectedness. You notice how your ego causes separation between you and your ex. You start to realize that if you saw people and relationships differently, as your ego wants you to see them, you’ll find yourself in conflict and resentment. If you apply this principle to your life, you can put yourself in other people’s shoes and let go of the pain sooner.
Step 7 – the Step of This Moment. I talk about ways to stop living in the past that no longer exists and, instead, to bring yourself into the present moment. I show you that no pain or conflict exists in this moment in front of you and I reveal why you should strive to be in this place. I provide exercises that help you live in the present moments of your life.
Step 8 – the Step of Going Within. You’ll learn the power of doing the inner work necessary to move on. This step helps you drop all outside pretenses and get more clarity on who you are. As you get to know yourself better, you’ll have a stronger ability to let go of past hurts and move on.
Step 9 – the Step of Soul Awakening. You learn how to remove the mask of the ego and get clearer on yourself. This is the process of burning or stripping away all those things you’re not so that you become more of who you are in a spiritual sense. This is the step of opening your soul. It’s about getting curious, discovering your soul’s calling and arriving at your essence.
Step 10 – the Step of Compassion. Here, you’ll learn how to radiate empathy and compassion for yourself and others. The longer you beat up yourself or blame your ex, the longer you’ll remain in the past. The sooner you figure out how to put yourself in other people’s shoes, extend compassion to yourself and others, and see your relationship in a new light, the sooner you’ll move on.
Step 11 – the Step of Strength. You will see how to use your weakest and lowest life experience, heartbreak and loss to your advantage. This step shows you how to use past experiences and loss to build your resiliency muscle. It also shows you how to use the power of your friendships and inner circle to get through the tough times.
Step 12 – the Step of Trust. Discover how to trust the process of letting go. This step reminds you that you can get through this but you’ll have to trust yourself and the process. It shows you that others have walked a similar path. It asks you to believe that letting go is possible and to take a leap of faith into a better place.
If you enjoyed learning about these principles, please consider checking out the book, which describes these steps in more detail and gives you concrete steps for letting go of the past and moving on.
It’s on sale starting Thursday, June 6th and available at the Amazon store. You owe it to yourself to pick up this book to move on with your life.
Hi, I’m Vishnu
I help people overcome their devastating breakups and divorces and find love again. Instead of visiting the Himalayas, sign up below and join me. I am taking a writing break but will be back soon.
This guide is free. A ticket to the Himalayas is $2000. Your move.
