You know, a situation in which your parents, close relatives and I, let’s say, reach out to folks we know and see if we can find a suitable partner for you.
He’ll share your values, have the same interests that you do, cook, clean, do the dishes and take care of the kids.
He’ll support you emotionally, share the housework, and baby-sit while you’re at the spa.
Don’t worry; he’s not a player and he plans to stay with you for the long-term.
He is a professional, earns six figures, is sensitive, loves his parents and loves yours more.
What the *#&@)@(*@? Where the &#@*!)%?
How do I get in on this?
“Tell me the time and place and I’ll be there pronto,” you say as you tear through your closet to figure out what you’ll be wearing for this potential arranged marriage introduction.
Sounds intriguing, exciting and like a great way to meet a partner, doesn’t it?
Unfortunately, if you’re not Indian, Asian or Middle Eastern, or from another culture that practices arranged marriages, it’s difficult to get “in” on an arranged marriage.
It may sound like the best thing since all-you-can-eat Indian buffets, but unlike Indian buffets, arranged marriages aren’t available to everyone.
If you don’t come from a culture or tradition of arranged marriage, it’s unlikely you’ll find a family that will agree to marry its doctor-son to you.
But don’t fear; there’s hope for all of us here.
My experience with arranged marriage
My first marriage wasn’t arranged.
We met by ourselves thanks to the Internet, through nothing other than email.
A young lawyer and doctor from two entirely different parts of the world – me in California and she in Chennai, India.
Our email exchanges began with talk of philosophy and dreams, but quickly turned to romance and love.
It must have been only three months after we started talking when I got on a flight and flew around the world to visit her.
What happened after our meeting and marriage is a primary subject of this blog.
Our breakup and divorce were anticlimactic when one compares them to the romance and passion we initially shared.
We came from an arranged marriage culture, but our marriage wasn’t “arranged” in the traditional sense.
We were from the same community, or “caste” as people call it in India. We spoke the same language, were from similar social and religious backgrounds, and were a perfect match for each other.
The slight, or MAJOR, difference was that we met on our own, without a single family member involved.
Yes, our match satisfied all the requirements of our eventual marriage, but the fact that we had met on our own made our parents feel left out of the process.
Their whole lives, they had been looking forward to searching for, finding and interrogating the perfect match for each of us. They would have conducted background checks that rivaled Soviet intelligence – scoping out each candidate’s finances, education, health, compatibility and more.
Unfortunately, we deprived them of that excitement and instead created our own excitement by romancing each other!
Ultimately, our parents couldn’t say “no” because we were from the same community and shared the same traditional background.
We both felt like we had hit the lottery – we had cheated the system.
We had found love while satisfying our parents, grandparents, ancestors and all the divine Gods we worshipped.
Yes, it was love and marriage!
It wasn’t the traditional Indian marriage that I spoke of earlier, in which family and friends conduct a search, investigate the candidates’ families, introduce the potential spouses to each other, ensure the astrological signs align and make sure the couple is compatible.
In today’s modern world, cultures that still practice the tradition of arranged marriage will allow their marriage-age children to meet and say “yay” or “nay” to the proposed match. It’s not like it was in the olden days, when you showed up on your wedding day and married the person your family had chosen for you.
How can you apply arranged marriage principles to your own life so that you can attract a life partner?
Now let’s talk about you – a person who lives, dates and meets people in the more difficult world of a non-arranged marriage culture.
Maybe you don’t have the luxury of having a family searching for your king of hearts.
Or more than likely, you think it’s a batty idea to have your parents anywhere near your prospective spouse.
I once wrote a post about the benefits of arranged marriage, but I understand that if you’re not familiar with the tradition, you might not be able to see how it can work for you.
Don’t fear!
I’ve got you covered. I found a book that contains the many secrets of arranged marriages – secrets you can apply to your dating and love life.
Seth interviewed hundreds of women from arranged marriage cultures who not only shared their experiences, but also their strategies and advice.
In addition to interviewing these women, Seth started applying their lessons, which led her to the man who would become her husband. She became engaged to him after the seventh time she met him in person!
“No, it wasn’t love (or lust) at first sight. It was actually the result of both of us having figured out what we were looking for in a partner, being at the same life stage, recognizing that the other person had the potential to have the qualities we wanted and then, as my husband describes it, exchanging over a hundred thousand words on e-mail” to confirm it, writes Seth.
Here are 5 arranged marriage secrets from the book, First Comes Marriage, that you can apply to meet the love of your life.
Secret # 1: Your man doesn’t have to be your best friend.
“Be realistic about the role of your life partner. Women in arranged marriages view their husbands not as their primary source of happiness or as a means of rescue, but instead, as life partners, friends, and people who will provide them with support, companionship, children, and a family life.”
The idea here is that your future partner and husband doesn’t have to be your everything. There is no “perfect guy” or “the one” who solves all your problems and fulfills your every need.
Seth accurately points out that women tend to have fairy-tale notions of a fantasy man in their lives. These unrealistic expectations make us think that we haven’t found the right person in our lives.
She suggests breaking up with the fantasy man in your life and getting more realistic about what you actually want.
You already have friends, colleagues, family and a support system. Continue letting them be a part of your life.
When you idealize a guy who you think will fulfill all your needs, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment because no one like that exists.
Instead, if you cease this stream of thought, the men you meet won’t continually disappoint you and you’re more likely to find someone who will be an ideal life partner!
Seth suggests thinking of your future life partner as someone who will enrich your life, but she advises against making him the center – the end all and be all of everything.
Secret #2: The “musts” are all that matter.
“These (marriage) musts aren’t something you find ‘out there’ or after lots of random dinners and movies out. They are values and lifestyle choices that you determine from ‘in here’ – that sometimes frightening place found deep within yourself.”
As you would with an arranged marriage, know what you’re looking for ahead of time.
There are certain “musts” that Indian parents look for before they introduce their son or daughter to another family. These “musts” include education, values, financial status, stability and a host of other factors.
Why not be more conscious about what your “musts” are?
As Seth remind us, “the men we date turn into the men we marry.”
So be more conscious about who you’re dating. Have a list, and write down the “musts” that you’re looking for. What must the guy you’re dating have? What are you looking for in terms of his values, role in the relationship, career plans and family background?
Think about your list, craft your list, write down your “musts” and look for men who meet those “musts.”
If you’re more conscious about your dating life, you’ll immediately strike out a bunch of guys who are nowhere close to what you’re looking for.
“Write down your marriage ‘musts’ and stick to them,” advises Seth, because once again, “the men you date become the men you marry.”
Secret #3: Be fully committed.
“Beware ‘one foot out the door’ and ‘something better’ syndromes. This type of thinking may feel practical, but it’s extremely damaging to a relationship. If you keep your options open and keep looking for a better situation, you’re likely to end up alone and empty-handed.”
In arranged marriage cultures, people date as though they’re looking for a partner for life. Not just for a few months or until someone better comes along.
Can you see how if you shift your mentality to full commitment you’ll stop hanging out with the deadbeats and players who pop into your life?
Commitment means assuming the person you’re going to be with is going to be there for the rest of your life. You’re not continually looking for something better to come along.
Like couples in arranged marriages, think of your relationship in the long-term perspective. Change your mindset toward total commitment with your partner and give up on the guys who stay around simply because you don’t want to feel lonely.
Change your mindset, your outlook and the words you use in reference to commitment. You must become commitment-ready (thoughts, mindset and words) to find a commitment-ready man.
Secret #4: Define romance on your own terms.
“Don’t believe the hype. Don’t let Hollywood, the media, or anyone else define what romance means. Romance comes in many forms and each person expresses it differently.”
Are you looking for a man who buys you chocolates and wines, who dines you and fulfills the Hollywood definition of romance?
Not only is this a bad way to find a partner, it’s extremely distracting from the real qualities and characteristics of your partner.
Marketing messages inundate us with stories of what romance is supposed to look like, but romance isn’t dinner dates, cruises, roses and fancy jewelry.
Romance, as described by the women Seth spoke to, can include a husband learning how to cook so that his wife can go back to school in the evenings. Romance can be baby-sitting the kids, or helping one of your siblings in need or doing the dishes every night.
If you judge a man by typical notions of romance, you’ll likely find that what you think matters in a relationship leaves you feeling disappointed or misled.
Don’t let romantic comedies and television serials dictate romance.
Choose to see romance differently – in how your partner cares for you and the sacrifices he makes for you. Value the everyday, small things – the gestures of romance that you easily overlook.
Don’t eliminate potential partners if they don’t fulfill the typical notions of “romance” that you have in your mind.
Secret #5: Family matters.
“A potential partner’s family should be a factor in your consideration of that person as a life partner. Whether we like it or not, all of us are affected by the circumstances and values of our relatives.”
It’s amazing how little people in the West care about their partners’ families.
This is one of the most important tips you can learn about arranged marriages.
See, in arranged marriages it’s all about the family because we believe that your family tells us a lot about you.
Your dynamics and relationship with your family will likely indicate how you show up in your romantic relationships.
Your family likely influenced your values, your beliefs and your view of the world.
Find a guy who shares the same values you do, but check out his relatives to see whether your families are compatible.
As much as you’d like to think you can make life choices independent of anyone else, you’ll soon realize that in a long-term relationship, families matter. You will spend a lot of time with his family and he’ll spend a lot of time with yours.
Doesn’t it make sense to see whether: 1) you’re compatible with his family and 2) he’s compatible and gets along well with his family?
His family and how he interacts with them will be telling in his relationship with you and the family you create together.
Well, you may not be able to get an arranged marriage, but these tips will help you win a man who will stick around for the long-term.
If you’d like to read more secrets from Reva Seth’s book, pick up a copy here.
Speaking of arranged marriages and books, guess what’s coming out next week? Yes, my own experience with love and arranged marriage.
Are you deciding whether you should have an arranged marriage? Or are you simply curious about arranged marriage culture? Either way, you’re going to love this entertaining and insightful read.
This is a book review of Micahel Singer’s new book, The Surrender Experiment: My Journey Into Life’s Perfection. Learn how to step aside and allow life to unfold. To pick up his book, The Surrender Experiment, click here.
When I said “goodbye” to my Indian grandparents after a recent visit, I thought the encounter would end with a friendly hug, a small goodbye gift and good wishes.
And it did – until the last minute, when my grandmother become teary-eyed and emotional, wishing that I would get married soon and come back to visit her with a child.
In less than 60 seconds, our goodbye went from a friendly parting to an emotional and dramatic experience. They cried. I cried. They wished me a family and a baby and I left feeling like I had just walked off a taping of Days of our Lives or Vani Rani!
What had just happened, I thought to myself as I headed to the airport for my flight back to the States.
What had happened? What had turned two perfectly normal grandparents into emotional messes? Why were they experiencing so much pain and loss for me when I wasn’t quite sure I was feeling that myself?
Yes, it’s been a few years since the breakup and the divorce. Yes, it was hard on me, and yes, it must have been hard on them.
But life has moved on. I’m in a new place and I’m happy where I am today.
I don’t feel any big void in my life or feel incomplete being single. In fact, the last year or so has been the happiest of my life, with travel, family, writing and coaching.
Life has been great, but in the eyes of my grandparents, I felt pain, loss, sorrow and sadness.
I felt worthless and inadequate.
I felt ashamed for having failed.
It’s not unlike the shame I’ve felt being around other family and friends.
The stigma of divorce
In the Indian community, there is a strong stigma surrounding divorce.
When people hear that you’re divorced, they speculate about what went wrong, whose fault it was and who destroyed the relationship. They want to know about the couple’s relationship struggles, their families’ involvement in the failed marriage – yes, they want it all, the gossip, the rumors, the innuendos and all the dirt in between.
While they want to equip themselves with as much information and gossip about your situation as they can, they really don’t want you in their presence. When you’re divorced, it can feel like you’ve received a brand in the shape of a scarlet “D.”
People in your community often ignore you and scatter in your presence. You get the feeling that they think you’ll spread the disease of divorce to them – like divorce is a contagious and destructive bug, and you’re the carrier!
You’re the buzzkill at a happy occasion.
You’re the third wheel at any event – out of place, standing out like an unrecognizable alien, broken and displaying what happens when a life goes wrong.
You’re a misguided soul with a temper and a drinking problem who cheated on your wife.
Or a misguided soul with a man-hating independent streak who refused to “adjust” and be a “good” wife or “obedient” daughter.
The shame of divorce
On top of the stigma, you carry around with you the shame of divorce. As does your family.
In my case, I’ve felt shame around most people who have known me throughout my life. More so if they knew my ex-wife and me. And more so if they attended our wedding.
I feel like I let them down.
Like I failed and didn’t live up to their expectations.
Like I’m doing something so different from what people expected of or wanted for me.
In fact, I think it was likely the shame of my divorce that kept me isolated from most of my immediate and extended family for a couple of years.
I felt so ashamed, I didn’t return phone calls, answer emails or see anyone I knew because I felt bad about what had happened. I felt guilty, like somehow I was knowingly hurting them or would be inappropriately sharing my heartbreak with them.
I felt awkward for bringing something so devastating and a topic so toxic with me wherever I went. My divorce was not the elephant in the room. I felt like I had become the elephant!
You may feel the same shame about your divorce.
You may feel inherently flawed, messed up and broken.
You feel naked in the eyes of the judgmental, harsh world around you.
You let glares bully you, silent whispers softly attack you. You feel like the never-ending rumors that swirl around you are quietly killing you.
You feel ashamed for being alive.
A message for healing
If you’ve gone through a divorce, you can likely relate to the stigma and shame I’m speaking about here – one that your family, community or culture makes worse.
You know what it’s like to attend a holiday party or family gathering nervous that the conversation will turn to you. You’re holding your breath, hoping that no one talks to you. And by mistake if someone does, he or she avoids the topics of partners, spouses, relationships and family!
You’re terrified of every conversation that can serve as an opening to the topic you most fear and are most ashamed of – your failed relationship.
Today I’m writing to you who are silently suffering through the shame and stigma of divorce.
I want to remind you that you don’t have to hide, you don’t have to feel terrible about yourself and you don’t have to feel like disappearing from the world.
Yes, your marriage might have ended, but that’s no reason to feel like a failure in life or to let your inner circle perpetuate the pain of your shame.
Here are 4 ways to cope with the shame of divorce.
1) Recognize the feelings of shame.
I believe that awareness is the true power you have when confronting shame. Once you become aware of anything in your life, you have the insight to understand what’s going on and to change it.
You don’t have to feel lonely and isolated in your shame.
Recognize it for what it is and write down your thoughts so that you can get your heart around it. Once you put down the feelings that are swirling through your mind, you’ll have a better idea of what those feelings look and feel like.
If you’ve not allowed yourself to experience your shame, feel free to do so. Permit yourself a deep and soulful cry.
You’ll feel like having these feelings many times. Every time they come up, welcome them into your life like familiar guests. It’s time to stop resisting your feelings and the strong emotions that well up in your life.
Let the feelings of shame sit with you so that you can share some space with them.
Recognize, absorb and familiarize yourself with the feelings of shame. Become friends with your feelings of shame – intimate acquaintances.
Recognize where the feelings of shame are coming from in your body. Where do they palpitate the most and feel strongest?
After you’ve experienced a bout of shame, lead shame to the door. Thank it for coming and sharing an experience with you.
When it comes back, welcome it again and learn more about it.
Know that you can experience feelings of shame, but also know that you’re welcome to allow those feelings to leave for a bit. Interestingly, the more vibrant and intensely you experience feelings of shame, the less intense they will be the next time around.
2) Return to wholeness and your truth.
“You yourself as much as anybody in the universe deserve your love and affection.” Siddhartha Gautama
One problem with shame is that you feel inadequate, broken and flawed.
Once you reflect on your life, you’ll realize that your shame didn’t come from only your divorce.
More than likely, you’ve experienced shame in other areas of your life and have vividly imprinted those memories.
More than likely, shame has been an ongoing, lifelong struggle.
The ultimate key to overcoming and healing from shame is accepting yourself and reminding yourself that you are enough.
Unlike what your friends told you or your parents made you feel, you’re not inadequate, incompetent, lacking or invisible.
Your task is to remind yourself of this and learn this powerful truth.
The key to self-compassion and self-acceptance is to treat yourself like the person you love most.
Be aware of the words you use to yourself, the judgments you make about yourself and the things you do to yourself.
Find ways to cultivate self-love within. Here, you can find 21 ways I’ve talked about previously to create a self-love within.
Commit a part of each day to taking care of yourself, being kind to yourself and loving yourself.
Gift yourself with those activities that make you feel good, that help you relax and feel peaceful.
Reduce the volume of critical, judgmental and comparative thoughts that are running through and ruling your mind.
Learn to listen more and to let your compassionate inner guide, intuition and spirit lead you.
Do the internal work to help you get clearer on who are you – what your authentic personality is minus all the layers of society-conditioned behavior.
When you get to this inner truth about yourself, there’s no act to put on and no reason to be another person.
It’s from this place of truth where you can truly be yourself.
When you know yourself and are comfortable being yourself, there will be no need to run away and hide.
You can get to this point through self-care, compassion, truthful living and a journey within.
Whatever you do, remember that this is your assigned task – finding the path back to your most powerful, most beautiful, most whole self.
In this place of wholeness and completeness, you will see that there is nothing else to prove, no place where you must hide.
In your wholeness is everything. Here you can be present and seen. Here you can shine. Here you’re unstoppable.
Tap into this power more and more in your life.
Learn to live and see the world from this place of self-acceptance, self-compassion and truth.
3) A new perspective on shame.
As you continue to treat yourself with compassion and increase the amount of love you have for yourself, you’ll come to realize that you’re not a person of lack and deficit.
You’re not inherently broken and flawed.
You grew up in a way that made you question your self-worth.
You also went through a traumatic experience that made you feel like a failure.
Now, consider changing your perspective about shame.
First, identify what it is you feel shame about. Then remember that shame is not going to define your life.
Your shame is no longer going to be your weakness and your flaw.
I want you to answer these questions:
What about your divorce has made you stronger than ever before?
1.
2.
3. What did your divorce teach you about yourself and who you are?
1.
2.
3. How did surviving divorce make you who you are today, in a positive way? 1.
2.
3.
How are you going to show up in the world today, as a survivor of divorce? 1.
2.
3.
Now that you know shame is your strength and your secret weapon, how are you going to use it for good?
How are you going to serve someone who’s dealing with the shame of divorce or of anything else in his or her life?
Who are you going to show up for during his or her moment of shame?
4) Your shame has nothing to do with others.
Here’s the most important thing I want you to know about shame.
You may feel ashamed because of other people, but does shame really come from them?
Shame comes from within – from not being good enough. Others may have caused you to feel shame, but your way out of shame is through yourself.
The more you can be comfortable in your own skin and accept your true nature, the less room you give shame in your life.
You have the ability to heal your shame by accepting yourself. The key to healing shame is an internal one, not an external one.
It really has nothing to do with friends, family and nay-sayers.
They only increase the noise of worthlessness that you may be experiencing internally. Their words resonate with you only if you allow them to. Their words resonate if you’re not showing up for yourself.
When you see yourself as complete, valuable, kind and whole, you don’t allow anyone else to define you or shame you.
While you continue to experience pangs of shame around family and friends, use these feelings as reminders that you must continue your internal work toward healing and wholeness.
Thus, every person who raises this feeling of shame within you is your teacher and guide. This person is reminding you that you are feeling shameful and that it’s time for more compassion, more love and more self-acceptance.
Remember –
You are NOT your divorce.
You are NOT what happened in your marriage.
You are NOT what people think of you or how they judge you.
You are NOT the passing comments, rumors or innuendos.
You are NOT the lost cause, sad case, troubled person or unhappy soul.
You are NOT the bitter ex, headstrong daughter or disobedient son.
You are NOT a mistake.
You are NOT a failure.
You are NOT the story you’ve been telling about yourself.
You are NOT the story others have been trying to spread about you.
You are now powerful beyond measure because you’re realizing your worth, loving yourself, claiming your power and living your truth.
The compassion and love you’re cultivating for yourself will be the light you use to find your way home.
Once you do, please leave the light on for others who are traveling the same path that you are.
To pick up my ebook on self-love, called the Self-Romance manifesto, click here. Learn to treat yourself with compassion and love.
When I was twenty-four years old, I met a man at a bar on a girl’s night out. My girlfriends and I were about to leave the bar and head home. It was a normal night filled with drinking and dancing the night away.
As I came out of the restrooms, I locked eyes with a set of sparkling brown eyes. He stood a foot away and smiled. The alcohol pulsed through my body.
But even before I consciously knew, my soul knew. My heart commanded me to not go anywhere and against my wishes, I smiled back.
He asked me to dance and we made small talk. I don’t remember anything about our conversation, except that I kept thinking how tall he was. He was six feet three inches. I am five feet tall and even with my heels, I felt like a dwarf.
We switched numbers. He called me and we went our first date. Everything that could’ve gone wrong went wrong. He suddenly changed the location of our first date minutes before I was to head to the restaurant. A band played loud music literally right in front of our table. I couldn’t hear a word he said.
After dinner, he paraded me across San Jose downtown in my brand new heels. My feet bled and we had to sit down at a park. (Several of these moments inspired key scenes in my debut novel Enchanted Silence!)
While sitting on that bench, we spoke about our views on marriage which would determine the fate of our relationship.
He confided he didn’t wish to get married. He came from a family of divorces and had mostly been involved in flings throughout his life. I revealed I saw myself being happily married with children in my future.
Despite our differing views, we kept on meeting and eventually fell deeply in love with each other. That day on that bench, neither of us could have predicted that.
We were perfect for each other in every way. We shared a love for adventure and possessed intellectual minds. We had a goofy sense of humor. We both even shared a fear of intimacy and commitment.
But four years later, that main difference wedged its way into our relationship. Today, I know we had to happen because I had to learn and grow from this experience.
Here are seven honest lessons I learned from falling in love with a commitment phobic man:
1. Don’t be afraid of being vulnerable.
I am uncomfortable expressing my emotions. I can be crumbling inside, but I will barely show it. Being the oldest in my family, I feel a sense of responsibility and commitment. It was ingrained in me that being emotional is not what gets the job done.
As a result, layers of emotion and pain were stuck energetically in my body. This carried into this relationship. I believed that I had to be guarded and hold myself together all the time.
If I cried or broke down in front of him, I believed he wouldn’t want me anymore. I would come across as weak.
But you cannot be truly intimate with someone until you learn to be intimate with yourself. Daring to show your true self is the key to a meaningful relationship and having a true connection.
2. Relationships are mirrors.
He had a deep seated fear of intimacy. That became blaringly obvious over the years. He would often cite divorce statistics and avoid the topic of marriage. I never knew too much about his childhood and the relationship he shared with his father.
He barely dropped the walls to let me in. But why had he come into my life? Although I wanted marriage and children in my life, I was terrified of commitment and relationships. I had drawn sturdy walls, too.
The difference was he was openly a commitment phobic and I was a closeted one.
Every relationship teaches you about yourself. This person is aligned to your soul and meant to stir different parts in you so you can turn inwards and clear your inner blocks and fears.
3. Love without attachment.
During this relationship, I had a pattern of striving for happiness and self-worth through him. When he called me, I felt happy. When he didn’t call me, my mood plunged. My state of mind completely changed.
I found that I started overanalyzing and over thinking. He does not like me. He is getting bored of me.
And then I would drive myself crazy on whether I should text or call him. Is it too much? Am I being lenient?
When he did respond to me, I would breathe a sigh of relief yet hold resentment towards him. And I would not express these feelings to him and instead become cold.
When you become your own source of love, you do not love someone else from a place of fear and attachment. When you want to express your feelings, you do it. When you want to text or call him, you do it.
When you want to show love, you do it. You don’t do these things expecting anything in return. You do it because that is your desire and this comes from a beautiful space within you.
4. Keep your ego out of the picture.
This one is tied to the previous point. My ego came into the way sometimes. When he didn’t call or show me love the way I wanted, my ego reared its ugly head.
I used him to validate my self-worth and when he didn’t respond the way I wanted, I became angry with him. I turned icy cold and shut him out.
I am not saying you must accept wrong behavior or let someone walk over you. Rather, be conscious that you are not perfect and neither is your partner. It’s about not judging yourself when you respond from a place of control, fear, or insecurity.
Peel the layers of ego off and instead be real with yourself. Observe yourself, ask yourself why you are responding the way you are, and do the inner work.
5. Is he capable of loving you?
During our relationship, he always treated me beautifully. I was blessed in this respect. Because of his support, I was able to realize my dream of writing a novel.
But because his fear of intimacy and commitment was greater than his love and respect for me, he was never able to drop his protective walls and let me in completely.
He kept me at a distance. This created emotional turmoil in me. I questioned myself and our relationship a lot. Though he was a good person, he didn’t love me the way I wanted to be loved.
When someone does not love you the way you want, it does not mean that person is not a good person. It means they have to sift through their own emotional baggage and clear their fear and blocks. And that is not your responsibility to fix.
6. Learn to receive.
Giving is an important part in a relationship. However, receiving is equally important. One of the most beautiful things I learned from him was learning how to receive. I was used to being the giver in my relationships with my loved ones and friends.
I found it difficult to receive actually. I remember he once remarked how I didn’t know how to take a compliment. It was a simple comment, but it stuck in my head.
I didn’t know how to receive because I did not know how to give love to myself. I didn’t know how to be intimate with myself.
If you have trouble receiving love, then start practicing becoming comfortable with opening yourself and receiving love. Treat yourself to a massage or favorite meal. Look at yourself in the mirror and compliment yourself.
7. Forgive and lead with your heart.
When you go through a challenging relationship, you want to just close your heart and shut off. But it is during this time that you must keep it open even more.
When you are walking around with anger and resentment towards that person, you are only hurting yourself.
If not for that person, you will need to forgive for your sake. It is the only way to move forward.
I took the time to process all my pain and anguish. I did whatever soothed my soul. I woke up several nights drenched in my sweat. I ate take out. I spent hours crying on the phone with my best friend.
Don’t try to avoid the pain. Dive deep in this process so you can fully heal yourself and keep your heart open. Because then you will be opening yourself up to beauty and love in all its forms in your life.
If you came out of a challenging relationship, keep your heart open. This was meant to awaken your soul so you can create an amazing relationship with yourself!
Priyanka Yadvendu is passionate about supporting women to listen to their enchanted silence to live an inspired life. Her upcoming book is Enchanted Silence, represented by Holloway Literary. To savor a peek of the first chapter and enjoy her free e-cards and helpful resources, visit http://www.priyankayadvendu.com/
“I have learned that resilience can be learned.” Sheryl Sandberg
Sheryl Sandberg is teaching us about resilience every single day.
The Facebook CEO recently experienced the unexpected passing of her husband, Dave Goldberg. As Laura Wellington pointed out, Sandberg joined 29,000 women under the age of 49 who lose their husbands every year in the United States.
Prior to this tragedy, we knew Sandberg as a talented CEO who managed her demanding career along with her family life. She also authored the book Lean In, encouraging professional women to lean into their careers and pursue their ambitions.
In the past month, we’ve learned about a different side of Sandberg. How she’s holding up under the most difficult and painful of situations – losing a spouse she loved and cherished.
One cannot imagine the pain, loss and sadness she and other widows experience upon the loss of a life partner.
How do you get up each day?
How do you show up for your children?
How do you continue with the normalcy of life when the person you’ve spent the past 10 years with is suddenly gone?
As hard as it’s been for Sandberg, she is sharing her grief and resilience with all of us. Through her own personal Facebook postings, she is openly revealing how she’s getting through the difficulty of losing a loved one.
Here are 7 lessons she’s teaching us about surviving the loss of your partner.
1) Make the most of Option B
When someone you love passes, you might die a little yourself internally, but Sandberg reminds you that you can choose to live and find meaning in the circumstance.
You can fill the time after your spouse passes with emptiness, pain and loss. Or you can fill the void with what this loss means to you – what matters most now and what you can take with you from this tragedy.
You have your entire life ahead of you, and you can choose to live it with meaning.
You can choose to make the most out of every day and live the life you have to the fullest. If you can’t have option A, Sandberg reminds us, to make the most of Option B.
“Dave, to honor your memory and raise your children as they deserve to be raised, I promise to do all I can to kick the s*** of Option B.”
2) Rely on your support network
You can’t get through this alone, no matter how independent or strong you are.
While you may have never asked for help or felt so helpless before, be willing to let others in.
The gravity of loss can be so overwhelming and painful that you may not be able to bear it alone.
Allow others to step in and be rocks for you in what will be the most trying time of your life. Be willing to ask for help even if this is something you’ve never done. Ask for emotional support. Ask for help with the kids or with errands you’re not up to doing.
3) Find a new “normal.”
Sandberg tells us that she used to reassure people in times of hardship that things would get better, that things would be “okay.”
She realizes now that may not be the best advice or even the most helpful.
Instead, what she finds comfort in knowing is that life will get back to normalcy – but a new kind of “normal.”
Nothing will ever be the same, but it’s not the end.
Life will go on and you’ll adjust to the new life that develops.
4) Realize it’s not your fault
Repeatedly remind yourself that what happened was not your fault.
Even if you had nothing remotely to do with your spouse’s death, there’s a tendency to want to blame yourself and to feel guilty for his or her passing.
The job your spouse took, the trip he or she went on, the terminal illness that developed has nothing to do with you.
Remind yourself that you’re not to blame and that you only increase the pain you’re suffering by absorbing that blame.
5) Know that it’s not permanent
You will not always feel like your world has ended.
Once you get through each day of grief, you’ll come to a better place than where you are today.
Where you are today is not a permanent place. Your heart will beat again. You will find happiness again. You will find love again.
Everything may seem dark and bleak at the moment, but there is hope for a brighter day.
6) The pain doesn’t have to consume all parts of your life
You don’t have to carry the pain into all areas of your life.
There are benefits, Sandberg suggests, to compartmentalizing your feelings and your grief.
Change your focus to other areas of your life so that the tragedy of your partner’s death doesn’t consume you.
Show up for work, be involved in your kids’ lives and do as much as you can of what you were able to do before.
7) Find gratefulness for what you have in life
You may think life is playing a cruel and harsh trick on you.
What can you possibly be thankful for now that your best friend and partner is gone?
Look for gratitude in all the small things you do have in your life.
Show gratitude for your support system, your friends and your memories. Be appreciative of everyone who’s standing with you to weather this storm.
Be grateful that you still have the ability to choose how you’ll deal with the circumstances you find yourself in.
You can choose to find meaning in this tragedy. You can choose to compartmentalize and stay strong under the circumstances. You can choose to create a new “normal” for yourself.
There is nothing anyone can really say to help ease the pain of the loss of a loved one.
Reading these tips based on Sandberg’s insights might show you what you need to do, but applying them to your own life can be difficult when the pain of loss is so overwhelming.
If nothing else works, do what you can to cope and take it one day at a time.
Know that your life’s not over and that better days are ahead.
With peace, blessings and love for all those who have lost loved ones in their lives.
I help people overcome their devastating breakups and divorces and find love again. Instead of visiting the Himalayas, sign up below and join me. I am taking a writing break but will be back soon.
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