by Vishnu | Jul 20, 2015 | Arranged Marriage
https://vimeo.com/40083724
By Razwana Wahid
She’d tied me to a chair.
My hands were clasped together, pulled tight behind my back. A dirty rag stuffed into my mouth. A dimly lit lamp swinging slowly in the background.
“I’ll only untie you if you agree to marry him”, she hissed. “We’ve given his family our word. You can’t break it.”
I closed my eyes and imagined my life 5 years in the future.
If I went for Option A – agreeing to the arranged marriage – I saw a thug of a husband, 3 children I didn’t want to have with him, and a life comprised of cooking his meals and washing his clothes.
And Option B? Implied saying no to the marriage, running away from my family, and in constant hiding from the ruthless bounty hunter at my heels.
Neither was appealing. But a decision had to be made.
And so, with a heavy heart and pangs of guilt, I slowly nodded my head. My eyes filled to the brim with tears. I reluctantly prepared myself for the future.
What do you think? Is this really how my marriage was arranged?
Thankfully not (my life isn’t half as exciting as a scene from Homeland).
And yet? This is pretty much what the majority of the Western world assumes – that marriages in the Indian and Pakistani community are arranged because one party (or both) is forced into a decision.
That neither the guy, nor the girl, set eyes on each other before the wedding day.
And that every girl getting dressed in her bridal clothes hopes she looks like Deepika Padukone in the photos.
(OK, so the last one’s kinda true).
The arrangement of my marriage was pretty simple.
I knew who my husband-to-be was. So, we hadn’t dated for 2 years and I didn’t know his shoe size, but I did know his favourite cricket player – that was enough, right?
My mum sat me down and asked if I was happy to marry him. Her jaw dropped to the floor when I said yes. The shock was so profound that she asked me twice again, in complete disbelief, just to make sure I hadn’t completely lost my mind.
I hadn’t.
What I had lost, however, was my dad. Three days earlier.
And when my mum asked me if I’d marry this man, I couldn’t bring myself to say no.
She’d just become a widow. I could see the pressure she was under from her family to make a decision about the future of her children.
You have to marry your children soon, her relatives pressed. Your husband died and who knows how quickly you’ll go. You can’t leave them alone.
The principle of loss-aversion at work, folks.
My mum had become a widow too young. The last thing I wanted to do was break her heart further.
So I agreed to the marriage.
Not because I loved him, or even knew if I liked him … but because I realised that I was young, too. If the marriage worked, then I’d found my partner early and could finally stop agonising over whether my phone was broken because that cute guy who asked for my number three days ago? Still hasn’t called.
And if the marriage didn’t work, I was young enough to start over.
So I went into it. With my eyes fully open.
It was the moment that defined my transition from child to adult.
I realised truly how in control of my life I was. It hit me, square in the face, that my decisions were mine to make. The consequences were clear to me, and they were mine to live.
Even if, as some people later told me, I was being emotionally blackmailed. Even though my dad’s death was being exploited to force a decision from both me and my mum.
The decision, at the end of it, was still mine.
I see a lot of people in the Indian and Pakistani community talking about how they don’t want to bow to family pressure and marry someone they don’t love. And yet, this is what they feel they must do.
My advice to you? Is to stop whinging, and be brave.
Ok, so your parents won’t be impressed that instead of agreeing to marry Rahul, the sprightly, young pediatric surgeon from the finer part of town, you’re busy swapping doe-eyed dreams of beach holidays and white picket fences with Mark from college.
But if this is your decision? Have conviction in it.
If this is what you really want? Use this belief to fuel your next move.
But Razwana! I hear you cry from way over the Atlantic. How can I tell my parents that I’m shattering their dreams and defying their every wish for me? They’ve done so much for me! I can’t let them down like this!
What about all the shame I’ll bring on the family for choosing someone they don’t want me to marry?
What if they don’t let me see my siblings ever again? Or even step into the house? What then? And what if they disown me?
What if, indeed.
The thing with those pesky little what-if’s? Is that they rarely happen.
The decision you make isn’t about whether you marry this person or that:
It’s about the person you want to be
Do you want to be the person who takes action from what they feel in their gut to be true?
Or do you want to be the person who knows what they want, but decides to do what they’re told because it’s the easy route to take?
And that is the easy route.
The tough route? Is making a decision for you, despite what everyone around you will think.
It’s being aware of the consequences ( -> different to being happy with them) of your decision, and moving forward anyway.
It’s about being brave and standing up for your beliefs.
As for me – my arranged marriage went ahead. I didn’t look like Dipika Padukone in my bridal outfit, but I did feel like a million dollars.
But did my marriage last?
Well that, my friends, is a story for another day.
Razwana Wahid: Killer content copywriter and founder of Relentless Movement – A copywriting service for entrepreneurs who want to write bold and sell big. Lose the headache of writing your Home Page, About Page and Services page and get the no-brainer templates here.
To pick up Vishnu’s book, Arranged Marriage: Run to the Altar or Run for Your Life, click here. It’s available for free on July 20th and July 21st, 2015.
by Vishnu | Jul 12, 2015 | Arranged Marriage
My punchy and insightful book on arranged marriage is here and there’s something in it for you.
If you’re considering an arranged marriage, join me on my personal journey in this book. See for yourself what I experienced, what I think about arranged marriages and what’s in my future!
If you’re on the fence about arranged marriage, learn its pros and cons. See if arranged marriage is right for you – is it total lunacy, or practical and efficient at making matches that last a lifetime?
If you’re in a love pickle or relationship dilemma, this book is also for you.
Here are some questions the book will help answer.
♥ Who should get an arranged marriage?
♥ Who should run for their lives from an arranged marriage?
♥ What should you do if you’ve fallen in love but your family wants you to get an arranged marriage?
♥ What should you do if you’ve fallen in love with someone who comes from an arranged marriage tradition?
♥ How do you resist an arranged marriage?
♥ What qualities do you need to make an arranged marriage work?
Even if you have no interest in an arranged marriage, this book will help you apply some of the wisdom of arranged marriages to your dating and love life.
Finally, if you’re simply curious about this unique tradition that millions around the world practice, buckle up your seatbelt and enjoy the ride.
To pick up this entertaining and insightful book on Amazon, click here. (Yes, it’s free from July 13 – July 15, 2015.)
by Vishnu | Jul 5, 2015 | Arranged Marriage, Love and Relationships
Would you ever consider an arranged marriage?
You know, a situation in which your parents, close relatives and I, let’s say, reach out to folks we know and see if we can find a suitable partner for you.
He’ll share your values, have the same interests that you do, cook, clean, do the dishes and take care of the kids.
He’ll support you emotionally, share the housework, and baby-sit while you’re at the spa.
Don’t worry; he’s not a player and he plans to stay with you for the long-term.
He is a professional, earns six figures, is sensitive, loves his parents and loves yours more.
What the *#&@)@(*@? Where the &#@*!)%?
How do I get in on this?
“Tell me the time and place and I’ll be there pronto,” you say as you tear through your closet to figure out what you’ll be wearing for this potential arranged marriage introduction.
Sounds intriguing, exciting and like a great way to meet a partner, doesn’t it?
Unfortunately, if you’re not Indian, Asian or Middle Eastern, or from another culture that practices arranged marriages, it’s difficult to get “in” on an arranged marriage.
It may sound like the best thing since all-you-can-eat Indian buffets, but unlike Indian buffets, arranged marriages aren’t available to everyone.
If you don’t come from a culture or tradition of arranged marriage, it’s unlikely you’ll find a family that will agree to marry its doctor-son to you.
But don’t fear; there’s hope for all of us here.
My experience with arranged marriage
My first marriage wasn’t arranged.
We met by ourselves thanks to the Internet, through nothing other than email.
A young lawyer and doctor from two entirely different parts of the world – me in California and she in Chennai, India.
Our email exchanges began with talk of philosophy and dreams, but quickly turned to romance and love.
It must have been only three months after we started talking when I got on a flight and flew around the world to visit her.
What happened after our meeting and marriage is a primary subject of this blog.
Our breakup and divorce were anticlimactic when one compares them to the romance and passion we initially shared.
We came from an arranged marriage culture, but our marriage wasn’t “arranged” in the traditional sense.
We were from the same community, or “caste” as people call it in India. We spoke the same language, were from similar social and religious backgrounds, and were a perfect match for each other.
The slight, or MAJOR, difference was that we met on our own, without a single family member involved.
Yes, our match satisfied all the requirements of our eventual marriage, but the fact that we had met on our own made our parents feel left out of the process.
Their whole lives, they had been looking forward to searching for, finding and interrogating the perfect match for each of us. They would have conducted background checks that rivaled Soviet intelligence – scoping out each candidate’s finances, education, health, compatibility and more.
Unfortunately, we deprived them of that excitement and instead created our own excitement by romancing each other!
Ultimately, our parents couldn’t say “no” because we were from the same community and shared the same traditional background.
We both felt like we had hit the lottery – we had cheated the system.
We had found love while satisfying our parents, grandparents, ancestors and all the divine Gods we worshipped.
Yes, it was love and marriage!
It wasn’t the traditional Indian marriage that I spoke of earlier, in which family and friends conduct a search, investigate the candidates’ families, introduce the potential spouses to each other, ensure the astrological signs align and make sure the couple is compatible.
In today’s modern world, cultures that still practice the tradition of arranged marriage will allow their marriage-age children to meet and say “yay” or “nay” to the proposed match. It’s not like it was in the olden days, when you showed up on your wedding day and married the person your family had chosen for you.
How can you apply arranged marriage principles to your own life so that you can attract a life partner?
Now let’s talk about you – a person who lives, dates and meets people in the more difficult world of a non-arranged marriage culture.
Maybe you don’t have the luxury of having a family searching for your king of hearts.
Or more than likely, you think it’s a batty idea to have your parents anywhere near your prospective spouse.
I once wrote a post about the benefits of arranged marriage, but I understand that if you’re not familiar with the tradition, you might not be able to see how it can work for you.
Don’t fear!
I’ve got you covered. I found a book that contains the many secrets of arranged marriages – secrets you can apply to your dating and love life.
It’s a book by former journalist and author, Reva Seth, aptly titled, First Comes Marriage: Modern Relationship Advice from the Wisdom of Arranged Marriages.
Seth interviewed hundreds of women from arranged marriage cultures who not only shared their experiences, but also their strategies and advice.
In addition to interviewing these women, Seth started applying their lessons, which led her to the man who would become her husband. She became engaged to him after the seventh time she met him in person!
“No, it wasn’t love (or lust) at first sight. It was actually the result of both of us having figured out what we were looking for in a partner, being at the same life stage, recognizing that the other person had the potential to have the qualities we wanted and then, as my husband describes it, exchanging over a hundred thousand words on e-mail” to confirm it, writes Seth.
Here are 5 arranged marriage secrets from the book, First Comes Marriage, that you can apply to meet the love of your life.
Secret # 1: Your man doesn’t have to be your best friend.
“Be realistic about the role of your life partner. Women in arranged marriages view their husbands not as their primary source of happiness or as a means of rescue, but instead, as life partners, friends, and people who will provide them with support, companionship, children, and a family life.”
The idea here is that your future partner and husband doesn’t have to be your everything. There is no “perfect guy” or “the one” who solves all your problems and fulfills your every need.
Seth accurately points out that women tend to have fairy-tale notions of a fantasy man in their lives. These unrealistic expectations make us think that we haven’t found the right person in our lives.
She suggests breaking up with the fantasy man in your life and getting more realistic about what you actually want.
You already have friends, colleagues, family and a support system. Continue letting them be a part of your life.
When you idealize a guy who you think will fulfill all your needs, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment because no one like that exists.
Instead, if you cease this stream of thought, the men you meet won’t continually disappoint you and you’re more likely to find someone who will be an ideal life partner!
Seth suggests thinking of your future life partner as someone who will enrich your life, but she advises against making him the center – the end all and be all of everything.
Secret #2: The “musts” are all that matter.
“These (marriage) musts aren’t something you find ‘out there’ or after lots of random dinners and movies out. They are values and lifestyle choices that you determine from ‘in here’ – that sometimes frightening place found deep within yourself.”
As you would with an arranged marriage, know what you’re looking for ahead of time.
There are certain “musts” that Indian parents look for before they introduce their son or daughter to another family. These “musts” include education, values, financial status, stability and a host of other factors.
Why not be more conscious about what your “musts” are?
As Seth remind us, “the men we date turn into the men we marry.”
So be more conscious about who you’re dating. Have a list, and write down the “musts” that you’re looking for. What must the guy you’re dating have? What are you looking for in terms of his values, role in the relationship, career plans and family background?
Think about your list, craft your list, write down your “musts” and look for men who meet those “musts.”
If you’re more conscious about your dating life, you’ll immediately strike out a bunch of guys who are nowhere close to what you’re looking for.
“Write down your marriage ‘musts’ and stick to them,” advises Seth, because once again, “the men you date become the men you marry.”
Secret #3: Be fully committed.
“Beware ‘one foot out the door’ and ‘something better’ syndromes. This type of thinking may feel practical, but it’s extremely damaging to a relationship. If you keep your options open and keep looking for a better situation, you’re likely to end up alone and empty-handed.”
In arranged marriage cultures, people date as though they’re looking for a partner for life. Not just for a few months or until someone better comes along.
Can you see how if you shift your mentality to full commitment you’ll stop hanging out with the deadbeats and players who pop into your life?
Commitment means assuming the person you’re going to be with is going to be there for the rest of your life. You’re not continually looking for something better to come along.
Like couples in arranged marriages, think of your relationship in the long-term perspective. Change your mindset toward total commitment with your partner and give up on the guys who stay around simply because you don’t want to feel lonely.
Change your mindset, your outlook and the words you use in reference to commitment. You must become commitment-ready (thoughts, mindset and words) to find a commitment-ready man.
Secret #4: Define romance on your own terms.
“Don’t believe the hype. Don’t let Hollywood, the media, or anyone else define what romance means. Romance comes in many forms and each person expresses it differently.”
Are you looking for a man who buys you chocolates and wines, who dines you and fulfills the Hollywood definition of romance?
Not only is this a bad way to find a partner, it’s extremely distracting from the real qualities and characteristics of your partner.
Marketing messages inundate us with stories of what romance is supposed to look like, but romance isn’t dinner dates, cruises, roses and fancy jewelry.
Romance, as described by the women Seth spoke to, can include a husband learning how to cook so that his wife can go back to school in the evenings. Romance can be baby-sitting the kids, or helping one of your siblings in need or doing the dishes every night.
If you judge a man by typical notions of romance, you’ll likely find that what you think matters in a relationship leaves you feeling disappointed or misled.
Don’t let romantic comedies and television serials dictate romance.
Choose to see romance differently – in how your partner cares for you and the sacrifices he makes for you. Value the everyday, small things – the gestures of romance that you easily overlook.
Don’t eliminate potential partners if they don’t fulfill the typical notions of “romance” that you have in your mind.
Secret #5: Family matters.
“A potential partner’s family should be a factor in your consideration of that person as a life partner. Whether we like it or not, all of us are affected by the circumstances and values of our relatives.”
It’s amazing how little people in the West care about their partners’ families.
This is one of the most important tips you can learn about arranged marriages.
See, in arranged marriages it’s all about the family because we believe that your family tells us a lot about you.
Your dynamics and relationship with your family will likely indicate how you show up in your romantic relationships.
Your family likely influenced your values, your beliefs and your view of the world.
Find a guy who shares the same values you do, but check out his relatives to see whether your families are compatible.
As much as you’d like to think you can make life choices independent of anyone else, you’ll soon realize that in a long-term relationship, families matter. You will spend a lot of time with his family and he’ll spend a lot of time with yours.
Doesn’t it make sense to see whether: 1) you’re compatible with his family and 2) he’s compatible and gets along well with his family?
His family and how he interacts with them will be telling in his relationship with you and the family you create together.
Well, you may not be able to get an arranged marriage, but these tips will help you win a man who will stick around for the long-term.
If you’d like to read more secrets from Reva Seth’s book, pick up a copy here.
Speaking of arranged marriages and books, guess what’s coming out next week? Yes, my own experience with love and arranged marriage.
Are you deciding whether you should have an arranged marriage? Or are you simply curious about arranged marriage culture? Either way, you’re going to love this entertaining and insightful read.
Photo Credit Jitbag
by Vishnu | Oct 21, 2013 | Arranged Marriage, Culture, Love and Relationships
There are advantages of an arranged marriage.
I didn’t realize there were advantages of an arranged marriage until after I got married.
My marriage wasn’t quite arranged. By parents. Or family.
Maybe it was arranged by the Gods. Or the Internet. Or the Internet Gods.
Sure, my former wife and I shared the same cultural traditions, spoke the same language and came from the same community in South India.
Although it felt a whole lot like an arranged marriage because we had so much in common, ultimately it was one of our choosing.
We had met each other from across the globe thanks to the power of an online community.
We talked, romanced and wooed each other. We thought we had outsmarted the traditional Indian marriage and found true love.
We married and lived happily ever…
Well, we lived happily. For some time.
Marriage didn’t turn out as we had imagined. Unlike the passionate world-wide initial romance which catapulted us to our wedding day, our relationship fizzled to a melodramatic and sad end.
The separation was fast. The divorce was straightforward.
Although the paperwork was easy, the emotional pain of divorce was probably more painful than having a truck run over me a few times. Greater than through a field of thorny roses.
If I had written this post ten years ago, I would have argued vigorously against an arranged marriage and advised anyone who was considering one to visit a shrink. A really good one.
But eight years of married life plus two years of post-divorce life plus observations about marital success in several cultures are factors that lead me to question if there are benefits to arranged marriages and if they are the way to go.
What is an arranged marriage?
Arranged marriages are essentially fixed or set-up marriages by parents and family of the bride and groom. Practiced throughout the east, arranged marriages can range from formal arrangements by family members of the bride and groom to informal introductions.
Generations ago, brides and grooms would be arranged to be married by their families with little or no say. Sometimes the bride and groom would not even see each other until the wedding day!
But the arranged marriage of today allows for a brief courting period and hell, even input and approval by the boy and girl!
Today’s brides and grooms can either give a thumbs up or down to their future mate, similar to a Facebook “like”.
While this post isn’t for everyone, there are probably many of you out there (in or originally from India, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Nepal, and other parts of Asia and Africa) who will face the prospects of an arranged marriage.
If you’re a white dude in the United States, U.K or Australia, please do not email me asking how to have your nuptials arranged. Instead read my earlier post on why you’re likely not a suitable match for an arranged marriage.
For the rest of you, here are the 12 advantages of having an arranged marriage:
1) A family affair. You don’t have to worry about how your spouse is going to turn out. You’ll know he’s compatible because your family does a thorough police-worthy background check on his family, their personalities, their mental health issues and how they interact with other families.
Your family also hires a financial detective also check out his family’s stock portfolios and real estate holdings! J
2) Shared values. Families tend to pick spouses based on shared values. So you can bet your roti, the guy you’re marrying cares about education, financial stability and maintaining religious and cultural traditions.
He, ok fine – his family, also values gold and diamonds which they intend to shower you with for the rest of your life. Score!
3) Love blooms. You may not fall madly in love, but you can be ready to love a life that’s comfortable, stable and enduring.
There’s something endearing about a love that lasts. I’ve noticed the longer arranged marriage couples are married, the stronger their love and affection for each other tends to be.
Also, it is likely this relationship is the first real relationship both parties have had. When you don’t have anyone else to compare to, the person you’re marrying can seem like an exquisite Rugosa rose.
4) No need to wait forever for that perfect suitor who may never materialize.
As Tracy Macmillan has mentioned in the case of love marriages, many women don’t get married because they’re looking for all kinds of shallow qualities in men.
She says that the only quality that should matter is character. Because men of character commit to marriages, and often, for the long-term!
In arranged marriages, the character research is done early and extensively. Once a potential bride or groom passes the character test, families are usually pretty flexible on most other issues.
(And it goes without saying of course, people of good character live in palatial homes and sport Versace exclusively)
5) Parents screen for deal-breakers.
Having your parental units make early decisions, they can see what the potential pitfalls and problems maybe with your future partner, as this New York Times article points out.
“They’re trying to figure out whether something could go wrong that could drive people apart,” Dr. Epstein, a senior research psychologist at the American Institute for Behavior Research and Technology in Vista, California says.
Your parents essentially become troubleshooters before the match is made knowing innately if your personalities, lifestyles and families would suit each other.
6) Parent approved and endorsed. Your parents intend to spend a significant amount of time with your soon-to-be spouse which only means additional consideration, reflection and improved selection.
If they can’t stand being around him for hours (months) at a time, you are definitely not going to enjoy spending time with your parents and husband.
Since he’s going to spend family holidays and gatherings with you, might as well find someone who is family approved and endorsed.
7) A solid foundation. Families look out for those things that will stick in the long run – earning capacity and professional and career potential. Sure this may be on the duller side of things to young people but if you’re being practical, money matters.
The more you have of it and the more your future husband earns, the better off you are.
Oh, and let’s just say your in-laws want to move in with you in their old age, they’d like to know you’re going to be able to financially support them.
8) Takes the guesswork out of dating. Online browsing. Lunch dates. Whacky set-up by friends and blind dates. Who needs it?
You don’t have to ask too many questions or guess what matters to your future partner.
With similar cultural backgrounds and values, YOU KNOW you’re going to get married, have a couple of kids, raise a family and send your kids to professional medical school where they can earn well and take care of you in your old age.
Simple. No blood needs to be shed if everyone does their part.
9) Spend more time wedding planning. It goes without saying, but if you don’t have to spend all of your time dating and working on your relationship, you can spend all your time planning your elaborate three to seven-day wedding.
Don’t worry about the small details about your future love and relationship. The research on your future spouse is more solid than research done by Consumer Reports or Harvard research labs.
Focus on what really matters in life: sending out hundreds of wedding invitations to people you don’t know and have never heard of, selecting the bedazzling jewelry and foraging the sari shops for the overly-priced silk wedding wear you’ll be dazzling everyone with on your wedding day.
10) Family gets in your business. You may hate the thought of your family in your business, but if you’re of South Asian or Indian descent, it’s a fact of life.
If you haven’t accepted it, you’re probably spending time in a far away ashram or have lost all communication and contact with your family. You’re probably in the family witness protection program.
Along with family comes accountability and support.
When your parents are involved in your dating life, they’ll be there as a backup support system in case you need counseling, unwanted advice or a kick in the rear.
If one of you is acting silly or foolish, your family can put you in a headlock and emotionally blackmail you to your senses.
They’re most likely your neighbors or live just down the block from you for unwanted and intrusive visits.
11) Your parents pick up the wedding tab. Yes, the wedding is stressful, doesn’t feel like your own and will be as chaotic as a three ring circus but what are family occasions for after all?
You’ll want to choke your parents and lock up your relatives but your big day will only be filled with hugs, kisses and lot of good cheer.
Usually, regardless of how horrible, chaotic or dangerous the wedding is, the wedding tab will be picked up by one or both sets of parents.
You can save up for that big 60th birthday party your parents plan to have down the road where you can gift your Mom with a Debeers diamond necklace or your Dad with a Porsche Carrera. (or, more likely, a Toyota Camry).
12) Less confusion for your children. With such strong cultural and traditional values in place, you will usually get free baby-sitting which will allow your parents to inculcate your children with eastern values and traditions.
With that free babysitting and brainwashing, your children come to think all this arranged marriage rituals are normal. They’ll be heirs to two parents who speak the same language, practice the same religion and follow all the same traditions.
You won’t have to spend much time explaining different holidays to your kids or spending money for gifts for two different sets of holidays.
Traditions, culture, religion, practices, marriages, rituals, career and professional expectations are all in place for them.
You just sit back to collect the big bucks. And harass them as they’re growing up when and if bizarre thoughts like ‘love’ marriages starts entering their minds.
Hmmm. Love marriages. Who could possibly ever think of such a far-fetched cockamamie idea?
And of course, my views may be a little skewed. There are horrible stories out there of arranged marriages gone wrong.
In fact, if my marriage had been more of an arranged affair, I’d probably be writing to you to run for your life from arranged marriages. Simply, because it didn’t work out.
But I’m going to give it you straight. There are many advantages of an arranged marriage. There’s probably 1001 reasons you shouldn’t have one either and that’s for a future post.
If you’re still unsure about the advantages of an arranged marriage, pick up Arranged Marriage: Run to the Altar or Run for Your Life, click here on Amazon.
