It was clean, in terms of assets. It was a short marriage and relationship, so we didn’t amass too much, and we didn’t have kids. He didn’t want to contest anything, which I much appreciated. I can’t even imagine having to fight and drag this out in court, while my life seemingly ended.
Truthfully, though, this marriage should have ended long ago, maybe not even have happened. Escalating commitments and a strong desire for this not to be a failure was what kept me going. I was afraid, afraid that if it did not last, I would experience something again that played a huge role in my life growing up. It shaped most my decisions, and even the anticipation of it kept me on path, however wrong.
That something was shame, and I’m all too familiar it.
When I was 7 or 8, my parents separated. We were the first family I knew that had divorced parents, much less the first Asian family.
It was a tumultuous time; I didn’t know what it would mean for us as a family anymore. None of the adults talked to my older brother and I to try to make any sense of it for us. It was probably thought that it was best not to involve the kids, as we may not understand anyway. But I remember the feeling of someone talking about you behind your back. The hushed tones and quieting up when you come into a room. That feeling.
And, I acutely remember instructions from my aunt. She was the only person who ever mentioned my parents’ divorce to us, just so we would know what to say, or not say.
“Don’t tell anyone your parents are divorced, or they will make fun of you. They will make fun of you that you’re from a broken family. If anyone asked where your mom is, just say she went on vacation.”
Laughable now, but that was the beginning of the long road of internalizing shame.
She could have never known that, while trying to protect us and upholding her values, she set off a decades-long, deep-seated feeling of inferiority and not belonging within me. After that, I hoped to God no one would ever ask me about my parents, because then I’d have to lie. It didn’t feel good to lie. So a few times, I told the truth.
The reactions, especially from other Asians, confirmed my aunt’s truth. They didn’t make fun, but they were shocked. Then, always the awkward silence, and the look of pity. And that didn’t feel good either.
I kept that shame with me wherever I went. I never learned the skills to fight it, as Asians do not believe in mental health disorders or getting therapy. You just dealt by not thinking about it, by numbing, hoping the passage of time would heal all wounds. Seeing my dad today, I venture to say it’s largely true. He’s no longer bitter, but it took him a long time to get there, and during that process, he unloaded an unhealthy amount of baggage on me. It was too much for a barely-tween to handle.
In 2010, I met my ex-husband. Red flags and gut feelings surfaced, but I just dismissed them, not wanting to rock the boat. More arguments would inevitably lead to the divorce discussion, and that was a topic best kept at bay.
And so I soldiered on… longer, harder than I ever have before, until I physically and mentally just couldn’t anymore. I remembered looking at myself in the mirror, and thinking that I was just a shell of who I used to be. I no longer was that vibrant, laughing, silly girl. It was in that moment, that I decided the pain of staying was far greater than the pain of leaving. And so I left. But I knew the real battle was about to begin.
In my mind, I had already begun prepping myself for when I was to face my family. I consoled myself, telling myself that in a couple of years, when the dust settled, no one would even remember and blink an eye. No one would see you as a failure and an embarrassment. More importantly, no one would die from your dishonor, from your family sustaining yet another divorce, from you being over 25 and now unmarried, which solidly classified you as a leftover woman in Chinese culture. A divorced leftover woman. Basically used goods.
It was easier said than done.
I was living overseas with him, and did not tell my immediate family I was back stateside, for good, until about a month in. I couldn’t. No matter how logically I thought about it, there was no way to override that emotional imprint that shame left when I was a kid.
Not only that, people carried the shame for me. My mother, not wanting her coworkers to see me with her, lest they ask questions. My family not talking to me about it, or talking to me about anything. Awkward silences.
That is shame at its best: silencer, isolater, inferior complex.
I decided this time around the shame outcome was going to be different. I am older, and have much more resources available. The next few years, I took my time to really unpack it. I no longer want shame to tag along wherever I went. I wanted to finally live my life for me, hold my head up high and know that a broken marriage should not, and does not, define me. I wanted to break the cycle and not give it the power it clearly does not deserve. The journey was tough and intense, but needed to happen.
I won.
Today, shame is no longer my shadow. This past Thanksgiving, my aunt… the same aunt who long ago unwittingly set my path of shame in motion, also the person I love and respect the most in this world… spoke about my divorce to me in hushed tones along with some hurtful words. She did not mean to hurt. She was actually being very loving, loving in the only way she knew how. Because I’ve since let go of shame presiding, I was able to take what she said in stride, which was meant for my best, and no longer feel the burden to carry.
The divorced status brought me down, but also set me free.
*Sunny is a Medium writer who writes about persona growth and spirituality. You can read more of her stories here on the Turning Point.
(If you’re looking for my book on How to Get Indian Parents to Accept Your Marriage Proposal, get it here.)
Talking to Indian parents about love and marriage is different than it is in other cultures.
You don’t simply approach your parents and tell them you’ve fallen for the love of your life and the love of your life is…white or Asian or Latino.
The way to put your life in further jeopardy is to claim your undying love for your long-term American beau, insist you’ve made up your mind and boldly proclaim that you will marry only this man of your dreams!
If you’ve fallen in love with someone from a culture outside of your Indian, Pakistani, Bangladeshi or South Asian family, your relatives will quickly respond.
This response will likely range from complete silence to utter anger and disgust.
Many Indian parents will be in complete shock about your decision and your declaration of love.
Indian people do not believe in marrying for love. Also, they do not believe in marrying non-Indian people.
So, if you’re Indian and you must break the news to your non-Indian parents that you’re marrying an American or westerner, fasten your seat belt and prepare for the passive-aggressive journey you’re about to begin. Get ready for the emotional and psychological battles that are about to ensue.
If you have fallen for an American guy or girl, here is what you must know about how to break the news to your parents.
Getting your parents’ approval will be an uphill battle. Here is what you should keep in mind when preparing for the lengthy battle ahead.
Despite the odds, stay optimistic and follow this strategy to get your Indian parents to accept your boyfriend of girlfriend from a different culture.
A 16-point plan to talk to your parents and get them to accept your non-Indian boyfriend of girlfriend follows.
1. Break the news slowly and over several conversations to help your parents deal with it. This might be the most devastating news they hear in their lives, so understand that they need some time to process it. Give them a few details at a time; limit your revelations when you first break the news to them.
2. Prime them for the conversation. Slowly introduce the topic of your getting serious with someone else or marrying someone who is non-Indian. Do not speak assertively or with certainty. Bring it up as a concept first; introduce the idea as if you are contemplating it with them. See how much they push back each time. If the situation quickly gets hot and intense, change topics and bring it up another day.
3. Do not react as emotionally as your parents do. These initial conversations will likely be intense and hard for your parents, and they will likely say hurtful things. Be aware of what’s coming up. Do not use this time to fight back with the same negativity or insults.
4. In the first conversation, do not die for love. This means do not say this relationship is “do or die.” Do not say you’re going to die for love: “It’s this man or woman or no one else.” Do not make bold and outlandish statements about your love for this person. Do not come across as a lovesick puppy or withering Romeo who will put his life on the line for this non-Indian woman. Tone down your declarations of love and keep things fluid. Take the attitude that anything can happen in life. This marriage may or may not be in your future. Give your parents some time to take it all in and cope.
5. Listen intently to what your parents say. Without a doubt, your parents will have much to say. Instead of coming up with defenses against each response they make, hear them out. Spend more time listening instead of convincing. By speaking, your parents are processing. By listening, you are gathering information.
6. Use every argument as a means of collecting strategic information. Take notes if you must. One day, you can use everything your parents say. They may sound angry and disappointed but they are essentially scared, so use the first few conversations to fully understand where they are coming from and what their fears are. Gather strategic information so you can formulate a plan of attack with your partner!
7. Be on a fact-finding mission to discover what each of your parents is worried about. Each parent will speak a different language and use different words to tell you what lies behind his or her fears. Like a reporter, collect as much information as you can. Then spend the next few months formulating a strategy for convincing them. Reporters don’t yell back or challenge their subjects. They give their interview subjects plenty of time to relax and vent their true feelings and fears.
8. Treat each parent as an individual. Speak to each parent separately. Each will have his or her own quirks, opinions and fears. The more you can divide them and have separate conversations with them, the better your chance of understanding what each one fears.
9. Make strides to address each of their concerns. Over the coming weeks and months, you will know what to focus on. If they are afraid of religious or food incompatibility, make the case to them. If they are afraid of what other people will think, let them know about people who approve of your relationship. Discover their concerns so you can address them.
10. Look for allies within the family and community. Your parents may want to keep the news within your immediate family because of their shame and embarrassment; however, you will benefit by sharing your relationship with people outside your immediate family. You will help the extended family cope and possibly find supporters outside of your parents. You may also find other people in the community whose children married non-Indian people. Definitely bring them into the picture and get them involved. Your parents win in silence and secrecy. The more people who know, the more you’re helping break the taboo and discomfort over sharing this news with others.
11. Help your non-Indian partner educate himself or herself about Indian culture. The more your partner molds himself or herself to the culture, including learning your scriptures and language, the better. What does your family value and prioritize in the Indian culture? Food? Religion? Parenting? Language? Education? Whatever it is, get your partner up to speed. This will help alleviate your parents’ fears. Your parents want to feel as comfortable as possible with your partner because they believe they might be living with you in their older age, and they don’t want to live with a foreigner who doesn’t understand them.
12. Be prepared for psychological and emotional warfare. If you’re expecting it, your parents’ reaction won’t traumatize or shock you. Your parents will try every conceivable method to scare you, hurt you and blackmail you into submission. They will feign health issues, threaten you, disown you, never speak to you again. If you realize they are using these tactics out of fear, you can better cope with the emotional warfare.
13. Use time to your advantage. The more time you have and the longer you drag this out, the better. Your parents will need time to process the news. You are changing generations of a thought process they have believed their entire lives. This is all they know. Give them time to process and to learn about other people and families that have gone through the same thing. They may be going through a grieving process, so expect them to experience all the steps of grief before they arrive in a rational place to accept your decision.
14. Highlight the practical advantages of this particular partner. Indian parents care about respect of their family, religion and culture, as well as about financial stability. You know this, so your task over the next few months is to provide rational reasons why this relationship makes sense. Try to show how Indian-like – or “Indian-lite” – your partner is, even if your partner is not Indian. If your partner is well-educated and has educational or career plans, highlight that fact. If he or she come from a traditional culture or a stable family background (i.e., parents who are still married), highlight that fact. If your partner’s parents are wealthy and have family property, definitely highlight that fact! If your partner has attended church his or her whole life and comes from a religious family, highlight that fact as long as your partner is open to participating in your religious traditions, too.
15. Use compassion and kindness to alleviate your parents’ fears. Your parents will act irrationally out of anger and fear. Responding to them the same way will not help. You must speak with kindness and listen with compassion despite their every tantrum, hurtful statement and blackmail attempt. If you want to make this work, you must find that inner strength to be rational, kind and reasonable. Essentially, you must be the opposite of your parents; you must show them that you have thought this through and that you are not being irrational or disrespectful. This is a case in which kindness and understanding (of what they are experiencing) can help you all get to marital bliss – ok, at least acceptance.
16. Clearly state your intentions and desires. After some time has passed, you can let your parents know that you are serious about this relationship. Now that they have had time to digest and process the news, you can state unequivocally that you are interested in this person as your life partner – and not only are you interested in this person, you’re going to marry him or her. Say this calmly, with certainty and confidence. You stand on the strength of your relationship and the confidence of your partner. More than that, you stand in your own power of knowing what you want and what’s right for you.
If you have more questions about this topic, pick up my book,How to Get Indian Parents to Accept Your Marriage Proposal, here.
The book is a guide to help your non-Indian boyfriend or girlfriend understand Indian culture, outsmart your Indian parents and marry you.
When someone repeats something over and over you tend to believe it.
Even if it’s a lie.
Society has perpetuated these falsities throughout our lives, and everyone and their mother has bought into these ideas as “common sense.”
Yet when you question or challenge these ideas, society punches back swiftly, with brute force.
Society doesn’t like anyone who rocks the boat or takes a different path because…you might become happy and fulfilled.
And you might do it on your own terms.
And that’s just…not right.
Society wants you to play by its rules. It wants to be the rule-setter. It wants to be the law-creator and the dream-master. It wants to tell you yay or nay.
Society wants you to succeed on its terms, not yours.
And who is the ubiquitous society that lies to you?
Oh, you know, Mom and Dad. Uncle Lou. The Cooper family next door. The O’Brien family down the street. Nana and Dadaji.
Your community: El Dorado Hills. Folsom. Davis. Yuba City. Fremont. Pleasanton. Visakhapatnam. Chennai. Kolkata. Bangalore. Pune. Hyderabad. Singapore. Hong Kong. Shanghai. Osaka. Kuala Lumpur. Tokyo.
Pretty much anywhere you live in the world.
Your radio station. Your TV shows and telenovelas. Your Hollywood movies and Bollywood cinema (especially your Bollywood cinema!!).
Your Facebook feed, Instagram account and Twitter feed.
Celebrities and politicians.
Authors and journalists.
Your teachers and professors. Your career guidance counselors. Your mentors.
Newspapers and television news.
So how do you combat these lies?
You wake up!
Become aware that society is feeding you a bunch of bold-faced lies.
Challenge society’s assumptions and dictates.
Do what’s right for you and ignore the thundering buzz of lies that society feeds you.
Wake up. Stand up.
Stand up for your own happiness and live your own truth.
9 Lies Society Desperately Needs You to Believe
1) You need top schools and high marks for success.
This is the boldest-faced lie of all. Society feeds it to you from the day you start kindergarten.
All over the world, you hear that your marks and grades in school are what count.
Creativity. Character. Compassion. Kindness. It doesn’t matter. How you do on your next exam matters. How you do in school determines how much your family accepts you. How you perform correlates to how much love you receive.
And how well you do directly relates to your future success.
While, yes, better grades get you into better schools, better colleges and higher-paying jobs – is that really what success is about?
If success is about being happy, not rich, then society is lying to you like an expensive Persian rug.
Top schools and high marks are for people who don’t have confidence and who need external rankings and reputations to validate themselves.
If you have initiative, drive and confidence, focus on what interests you and what you’re passionate about.
Don’t allow your grades to determine your value.
2) You need graduate school and a professional degree to be a success.
You don’t need a &(@_!*! degree from a prestigious university, mate. You need confidence and you need to believe in yourself.
Unfortunately, they don’t teach that class at Yale or Cambridge.
Even if you go to a top graduate program or pick up a fancy professional degree, you have no idea if you’re going to be happy or successful in that field.
You have no more certainty that you’re going to pursue your purpose or find your dream job.
Be patient with the path. Since your dream job won’t find you, go out there and seek a variety of opportunities to help you eliminate jobs and careers that don’t fit.
Run away furiously from soul-crushing work; find work that brings you joy and makes you jump out of bed in the morning.
Do you really need a degree from a top school, considering that many millionaires dropped out of college, many billionaires went to average schools and many successful people never finished high school?
Graduate degrees leave you with debt, consume years of your life and force you to specialize in one career track.
If you’re uncertain about your abilities and if fear paralyzes you, go to a top school.
If you believe in yourself, find work that you’re good at and that you’re passionate about.
3) Pursuing your dreams is for the foolish and naïve.
If you quit your job and write poetry, people will think you’ve lost your mind. A society that sees you as a threat to convention will meet your independence and creativity with resistance.
“Who do you think you are?” it will smirk.
It’s never too early or too late to follow your dreams. And you don’t have to drop everything to start on them.
You don’t have to quit your job, sell your house and live on the streets to launch your music career.
Take small steps today to transition to or create your dream job. You can use a volunteer position, time after the kids have gone to bed, or the weekends to nurture your dreams.
Take small but consistent steps, even if you have a family or financial obligations. Work on your dreams every day. Create time for your dreams.
Society wants you to pursue your dreams only when you’re financially well-off or retired, but don’t delay on getting started.
Start today.
4) You need to become a homeowner and own the biggest house you can afford.
When you own a home, as I did in the past, you have a regular monthly mortgage and obligations. This comes with financial worries, continuous expenses and a lifetime of regular upkeep.
A home, they say, will bring financial stability.
But…it will also constrict your life, limit your freedom and keep you stuck in a life you may not want.
Without a home, you can save and invest more of your money in your future.
Without a home, you can travel more and pursue your dreams more vigorously.
You won’t have a constant financial commitment that you’ll work a lifetime to pay off.
The real estate industry and the “American dream” want you to buy into the nonsense that a house = security + stability + a set financial future. Well, the industry profits plenty when you buy a home.
Without a giant financial commitment, you’ll be free to live your life instead of feeding the never-ending house-monster.
You can find financial stability without a home. You’ll also have freedom, peace of mind and more money to do what you want.
5) The bigger your salary, the more success you’ll have (and the happier you’ll be).
Having enough money to cover your basic life necessities is important, but why tie your internal happiness to your bank balance?
Society, like your parents and teachers, wants you to believe that the longer and harder you work, the more money you’ll earn. With more money, you can buy more things.
Society leads you to believe that the more possessions you own and the more junk you collect, the happier you’ll be.
Reality and the research show that your happiness plateaus after you reach a salary of $75,000.
If you buy into society’s construct of money and wealth, you will need more money to buy the things society insists will bring you happiness.
Retailers need your money. Corporations need your money. Luxury car makers need your money. Nordstrom and Saks Fifth Avenue need your money.
Hopefully, you realize that you don’t need gadgets, furniture, jewelry or cars to bring you happiness.
You can find happiness by simply being and choosing to be so.
You can be happy by being thankful for what you have.
You can cultivate happiness by serving others.
You can find happiness in family and friendship.
You can find happiness in doing work that is meaningful and in activities that feed your passion.
And you can buy all this happiness for $0.
6) Simple living = poor living
You can survive while owning less stuff. Yes, you can.
Without material possessions, you can find yourself in breathtaking scenery, among rich cultures and traditions, and in the company of inspirational people.
All you have to do is look around and acknowledge what you have. The most dazzling beaches may be a mere 15 minutes from where you live. The little remote village you’re staying in may have stunning views and sunsets.
Without much money, you can have rich experiences – experiences money can’t buy. Take a free tour of a nearby gallery, visit a mystical city or take a walking tour to see the wonders of where you live.
Broaden your network of friends so you can share music, poetry, art, recipes, travel stories and other experiences with each other.
Having less stuff and richer experiences allows for greater connection with the world and for more intimate relationships.
You can live simply and enjoy rich experiences and an abundance of happiness.
7) You need a life partner (and a kid) to be complete.
Every Disney story and every fairytale you’ve heard in every Taylor Swift song on the radio remind you that you’re not enough if you’re single.
Society wants you to be part of a couple. And can’t imagine someone being happy alone.
Society wants you to experience the “joys” of couplehood and marriage. Society wants you to have (raise and pay for) a kid as well.
When you’re hitched and have a kid, you’re complete. You can buy bigger real estate, own two cars and get more stuff.
A family is a consumer-driven society’s fantasy – the bigger the family unit, the more you spend.
Don’t buy into this lie that society has perpetuated for generations. Just because everyone’s doing it (getting hitched) doesn’t mean you have to.
Cameron Diaz, Oprah, actress Tabu, Padma Lakshmi, Cory Booker and Condoleezza Rice are a handful of the rich and famous who have not.
And you don’t have to either. Don’t get hitched because society expects you to.
Or your mother. Or your grandmother.
Fight the world that wants you to put a ring on it. If you don’t want him to put a ring on it, keep your hands in your pockets!
Instead of seeking a perfect partner, seek to become a better version of yourself.
Then find a partner who enhances you or makes you better, not someone who completes you.
Be complete.
8) World travel is for the rich and famous.
Why travel today when you can wait until you’re rich, famous or retired?
Of course, if you look at packaged tours or mainstream travel publications that include all-in-one packages, travel seems out of reach.
But if you look at more creative travelers, backpackers and do-it-yourself nomads, you’ll find that traveling is way cheaper than you think.
Here’s an excellent post about all the different options for saving more, spending less and getting the most out of travel. This post defeats every excuse you have about travel.
Traveling is not just for the wealthy anymore.
You can travel on the cheap if you plan ahead and do your research online. Pick up a travel guide, read blogs that help you travel cheaply, and be flexible with your travel plans. You can even travel cheap for the long term.
If world travel doesn’t entice you, why not see more of the city you live in, or check out nearby travel spots?
Travel so you can see the world around you.
Travel so you can learn new things, open your mind and have new experiences.
Travel so you can find inspiration.
Don’t push off travel ‘til you can afford it or you have time – you might not be alive by the time you’re ready.
9) Your happiest days are ahead.
Society reminds you constantly that where you are is not enough.
If you do x, y and z, you’ll find the happiness you desire.
You’ll be happy when you buy that jacket or own that car or live in that house.
Peace of mind, happiness and fulfilled dreams are all in the future.
Wake-up call: Your best days are not ahead of you.
As spiritual author Eckhart Tolle has quipped, “It is not uncommon for people to spend their whole lives waiting to start living.”
Sure, your life circumstances and situations may improve, but why wait on better days when you can choose happiness today?
The best way to find happiness now is to live in the present moment.
Within each moment, strive to be present. Be willing to let go and accept what comes your way.
If you can find contentment and peace in the present moment, you’ll realize that your best day is today.
You can be grateful for whatever you have in your life now: the good, the bad and the challenging.
You can be happy by doing things that make you happy.
Your parents have repeatedly evangelized since your birth: “Don’t embarrass us and shame us by becoming an author or an artist.”
“Don’t fall in love with someone you meet in your honors classes or at those Godless Ivy League colleges!?! unless maybe he’s a doctor…”
And most important: “Please, dear Bhagavan, don’t marry outside our caste and ruin our family name for generations.”
Huh?
As many of you know, the caste system (which divides people into different social classes) is alive and well, in India and around the world.
You’ve got the age-old Bollywood-movie question on your hands – what do you do when you’re madly in love with someone outside your caste?
When your heart screams, “Yes, by the grace of Krishna!” to your lover, but your parents scream, “Over my dead body!” and threaten to burn you alive.
Do you follow your heart and marry the man of your dreams (bringing tears, shame and disappointment to your family)?
Or do you squash your feelings and marry the person your Mummy and Daddy set you up with?
Your soul mate or your parents’ pride?
I myself fell in love with the person I wanted to marry, and stood resolute in my decision. But I had the benefit of marrying someone from my community which made the parental approval process much easier.
My parents still relented but ultimately, gave in.
In your case, the person you’ve fallen in love with might be from a different caste, culture or race. If you have a close-minded and intrusive family, you’ve got a problem on your hands.
Should you marry the love of your life or the man your parents love?
Why marry the love of your life?
You know yourself best. You base your decisions on your heart and your intuition. You know what’s right for you, and every fiber of your being is saying that this is the guy you want.
You want to choose your own Subway toppings man. The power of freedom and choice. Your parents have never let you buy your own clothes or pick your own toppings at Subway. They’ve controlled your life. They love you and they know what’s best for you. That’s why they’ve “helped” you make every decision in your life. But enough is enough. You want to make at least one major, life-altering decision. You want the option of living with the person you’ll spend every day of your life with.
He’s your soul mate. He shows up in the middle of the night with boba tea. He zooms across town at any hour to mend your heart. He stays up late to video chat with you. He’d throw himself in front of a bullet train to declare his love for you (so long as the train’s stopped, of course).
You know yourself enough to realize that he’s the one for you. He’s your Shah Rukh Khan, Aamir Khan and Hrithik Roshan all rolled up into one.
Why marry the man of your dreams parents’ dreams?
I’ve written an extensive post about the benefits of arranged marriages here, but let me now get right to the point about how marrying within your caste might be a good life decision.
Love is fleeting. Research says that the release of dopamine leads to feelings of infatuation with your lover. This chemical infatuation doesn’t last long: from a few months to three years.
Chemical-induced love will not save the day. Shared values, compatibility and similar relationship goals ensure wedded bliss. These are the things your family knows about.
Love can blind you to the things that make for long-term relationships, including your partner’s kindness and generosity (traits that research has proven make marriages last).
You stay alive and so do your parents. They won’t kill you, which is a major plus. They also won’t take their own lives by overdosing on medication, suffering heart attacks or falling down a flight of stairs in pure horror. They won’t sue you.
You’ll save them from becoming social outcasts and recluses who lock themselves in their homes so that they don’t have to talk about a child who went rogue and committed the crime of inter-caste marriage.
They know the things that truly matter in life. While you focus on his eyes and his height, your parents will conduct a top-to-bottom, your-life-depends-on-it background check. They’ll find your beau’s DNA information, bank records and property holdings, and also search for mental illness in his family.
They’ll inquire about your future spouse’s family: their emotional states, psychological states, financial states and spiritual affairs. Through an elaborate system of snooping, gossiping and legal investigation, they’ll determine how compatible you and he will be. They’ll ensure your values match and your tastes align, and that he can afford the type of lifestyle they want for you.
The wedding’s on the house. (The gifts and the whiskey flow freely.) Marry the person you love, who is outside your caste, and you’ll be lucky if anyone in your family attends your wedding.
Marry the person your parents love and you can bet that every relative and quasi- relative will be there. Won’t such an affair cost tens of thousands of dollars?
No worries. When you take the plunge on your family’s terms, they bear the costs and the bling. They pick up the tab. It’s a small price to pay for a priceless gift: a golden family name.
On top of all this, don’t forget about the opulent gifts and bundles of pounds/dollars you’ll rake in.
Here are 6 questions to help you decide between “love” marriage and marriage to someone from the same caste:
1) How important is family to you?
How close are you to your parents and your extended family? Do you value your relationship with them and need their constant presence in your life? Have you always had a close and loving relationship with them, or has your relationship been rocky and strained?
Can you make it without your family’s financial and emotional support? Is it okay if your family doesn’t support your marital decision? Are you willing to sacrifice your relationship with your parents for the person you love?
2) How experienced are you in relationships?
Is this the first relationship you’ve had? How confident are you that this man is the one? Have you had previous relationships that you can compare your current relationship to, determining what works and what doesn’t?
How well do you know yourself?
Are you trying to get out of a bad situation in terms of your parents’ constant presence in your life? Are you really in love and committed to the person you’re dating, or are you simply trying to escape your parents?
3) Can you wait it out?
What’s the rush? Can you give yourself a little more time?
If your parents are insisting that you get married, can you find excuses to stall your nuptials?
Time will give you more perspective about the relationship you’re in. Is this the person you want to be with, the right person for you?
Time will also help your parents take deep breaths and calm down. It will give them the ability to determine whether they actually hate your non-caste suitor or whether they can hold their noses and accept the relationship.
Will they be able to let go of their judgments and hostile behavior toward your man? Probably not, but anything is possible over time.
4) What does your gut feeling say?
Your intuition is important, but so many contradictory thoughts flood it that you don’t know what it’s saying anymore.
Is your ego trying to make a point? Do your thoughts revolve around standing up to your parents and showing them that you can make decisions on your own?
Does this relationship feel right or do you just want to be right?
If your gut feeling is telling you that the relationship you’re in is not the right one, will you be willing to listen to that voice?
Listen to your intuition, but more importantly, make sure what you’re listening to is actually your intuition. If it’s saying the opposite of what your mind or your boyfriend says, be willing to trust and respect your intuition.
Imagine your older and wiser self. Visualize yourself and this relationship 20 years down the road. What do you see? What does this relationship look like when you visualize it?
5) How compatible are you with the person you love?
Is your current relationship filled with compassion, kindness and generosity? Or are you constantly feeling as though your partner doesn’t hear you and that you’re continually pushing and pulling?
Are you fighting and bickering all the time?
Are you with your partner because of your heart, or because you’re looking for an escape?
Does this relationship work?
Do you have shared values? Mutual interests? The same long-term goals?
Do you see happiness, or red flags and signs of danger?
6) Are you choosing this person out of spite or out of love?
Are you certain you’re with this person because you have strong feelings for him?
Or, once again, are you trying to prove a point to your parents? Are you choosing your suitor simply out of spite?
Is this an act of love for your sweetheart or an act of revenge against your parents?
It’s something to think about.
In conclusion…
Your intuition knows what’s right for you.
And sometimes it may tell you that the person you think is the love of your life isn’t the person for you. Listen to this strong voice within, even if it doesn’t give you the answer you want.
Remember that, in life, nothing is permanent. As much as your parents insist that marriage is a life-long decision and as much as you believe that this decision is for eternity, know that nothing is permanent. People make mistakes. And things fall apart.
I’m not saying that the decision you make will be a disaster and that you’ll be miserable the rest of your life.
I’m saying that this is a big decision, but not a life-or-death one. If you choose your lover and the relationship fails, you’ll find a way to get through the breakup and move past it.
If you choose the partner your parents pick and the relationship doesn’t work, you’ll go through some pain, but you’ll get through it and move on.
You don’t know if the person you’re marrying today will be the same person in ten years. Change happens. Couples divorce. Couples break up.
You can’t see your future, but you can maintain a healthy perspective toward love and relationships.
Forget passion-filled Hollywood romances and sentimental, slightly neurotic ‘til-death-do-us-part Bollywood marriages.
Make the best decision you can under the circumstances you’re facing.
Check with your intuition and make a decision you feel good about.
This post is dedicated to all the Indian kids out there who are being raised by over-bearing and abusive parents. (I write this for you with love and understanding, compassion and hope for healing)
Yes, those of you who suffering in the care and control of their parents. (And even adults who survived a detrimental childhood)
No, you’re not being beaten (some of you are) or starved (some of you are) or locked up in solitary confinement (some of you are), but you are being emotionally beaten down every single day of your life.
You’re called names (including animals like “donkey” or “cow” and other animals found in Southeast Asia) and often the worst insults imaginable.
You’re told that you shouldn’t have been born or that it would be better if you were dead.
You’re told that you are the result of bad karma from a past life.
You’re told that it was your parents’ ill fate to have given birth to you. You are their life’s biggest mistake. You’re unworthy, incompetent, useless and dumb. There’s something wrong with your mind, weight, height, or even skin color!!
You’re not good, not good enough and something is inherently wrong with you as a person.
Yelled at, screamed at, compared to others, verbally assaulted, bullied, threatened to be sent back to India, threatened to be sent to live with relatives.
Told you’re not loved, not wanted, not worthy and that you do not make your parents proud.
You’re compared to your friends, compared to your family members and compared to random Indian kids who win spelling bees, receive Harvard acceptance letters or get nominated to a federal judgeship.
If you think I’m reading your mind and your life, I’m not. I had a very similar experience growing up in this kind of environment.
Although different today, the impact of my childhood has been scarring.
And it’s not just Indian people! Many Asian cultures have seen this type of abusive parenting. You may be in Nepal, Bangladesh, Pakistan, Indonesia, Singapore, Vietnam, Thailand, Korea, Cambodia or Laos. You could be in Saudi, Egypt, Iran, Iraq or Turkey. Or hey, you might even live in the States or Britain, but still have experienced this kind of parenting style.
Whatever it is, I’m here to offer some thoughts to help you heal, survive and live with your parents for the few more years you have left under their care. Or even help you cope with them in your adult years.
I’m not only going to explain why our parents are so unconscious, but what we can do about it. How do we cope? Or tolerate the abuse? How do we move forward? For more information, check out out my book on this topic:
I do know plenty of emotionally healthy, loving and supportive Indian parents, so let me not throw all of them under the bus.
One way to understand why some parents are so Mao Zedong-like in their child-rearing behaviors is to understand what made them this way.
Only once you know some of the reasons for your parents’ insanity can you begin the process of understanding, coping with, healing from and surviving their dominion.
A place of scarcity. Your parents came from difficult conditions filled with struggle and often did not have enough growing up. They want more now because of their struggle, poverty or difficult circumstances growing up.
Insanity of their own parents. More than likely they are products of their own parents, who were oppressive, coercive, and ruled with an iron fist. They herded their children like cows and instilled fear in them like a deadly cobra.
Insecurity and fear. They are unsure of themselves, so they worry about you. They are afraid of the world and thus, worry about you. They hate conflict, change and instability. They do everything they can to limit the number of changes they have to face. They don’t like anyone rocking the boat, and you seem to have a penchant for doing just that.
Competition mindset. Because of this culture of scarcity, they are in a constant state of competition. They compete with others in their community, others who speak the same language, and even with their children. You’re in a competition with all the other Indian kids they know – they’re regularly comparing and measuring you up against someone else.
Protecting the family name. Indian parents care a bit too much about something. It’s a disease, really, a disease with no cure. They care how they are seen by the people they know: their reputation. They are sure as hell not going to let you ruin that.
Protecting traditions, and you’d better get married to a boy from the community! You’re not going to screw up hundreds of years of tradition. Your great-great-grandfather was a maharaja of the Mughal empire, a priest for the wealthiest merchants or advocates in the highest British courts. Each generation married spouses within their own caste, and you have no right to mess with these traditions.
Your parents are the gatekeepers and prison guards of tradition – you will be protected and safeguarded until, and only until, you’re wedded off to a suitable boy with great character (or more likely, a nerdy doctor with generations of family wealth living in America).
Bollywood movies. The insanity of cinema makes your parents act irrationally, illogically and overly-sentimental. Our parents have gotten so hooked on fictional movies and Bollywood masala that they play out the feelings and sentiments of those movies in real life.
(You never know – it could be the reverse. The silver screen might just be copying the real-life emotional dramas of a typical Indian family).
“We own you” mindset. Indian parents don’t think of themselves as your caretaker. They were brought up to believe that they own you. Your success is their success. Your achievement is their achievement. Your failure is theirs. Your income is theirs. So is your house.
Guilt. Indian parents operate on large sums of guilt, a gift from their own parents. They constantly feel like they’re not enough, not doing enough and haven’t given enough to their children. They feel guilty towards their extended families, guilty towards their parents, guilty with themselves.
“We want you to do better than us.” Many parents want their children to do better than they did. They made a decent life for themselves in a new country (or even in the old country) with struggle and hard work while supporting you and your siblings. The minimum they want is your success. Your success would have made all the struggles worth it, in their minds.
Our old age depends on your success. They are constantly living their lives close to death. They’re wondering who’s going to be there for them when they are old and sick. It consumes their minds – they need you to be stable and successful so they can live with you and inconvenience you to take them to medical appointments.
Pride. Pride is mixed in with ego. Like I said, your success is their success. You are literally their pride, joy and life. Your parents love to brag and show you off – nothing more than bragging and showing off a product they created. Your success makes them feel on top of the world. Your failures make them feel like failures. You are very VERY personal to them.
They way they see it, you are them!
How to deal with abusive tiger parents?
So, now that you know some of the reasons they are who they are, what can be done about it?
Tiger parents, who happen to be strict disciplinarians and emotionally abusive, are difficult to stop.
All the power is with them. If you’re under 18, they are providing your food and shelter. They practice verbal abuse, emotional abuse and emotional blackmail.
For everything you say or do, they have a cruel and hostile response.
They are determined to control your life and ensure you conform to their every expectation.
Here are 18 tips to help you deal with your abusive parents.
Not all this advice will apply to every situation, but you’ll have to use the tips that you believe can best help you cope.
1. Expressing yourself. Although this is a very difficult thing to do, you can express how you feel to your parents.
Take out your own anger and frustration when you talk to them. Try to have an objective discussion in a conversational tone where you express to them how their actions are hurting you.
Try to write down how you’re feeling and give it to them in a letter.
Get another adult, neighbor or elder family member involved and express to them how you’re being treated at home. Do this at your own risk, since outing your parents publicly and giving light to their abuse will make them go berserk. Prepare for irrational and furious responses most of the time.
Caveat – no need to express yourself regarding topics that infuriate or make them angry. Don’t talk to your parents to provoke a fight with them – some topics are better left untouched.
Avoid harsh words, accusations and abuse by choosing to stay quiet on unimportant and trivial matters. Avoid arguments you know you can’t win or conversations that will end in a blow up.
2. Know you’re not alone. Many others, including myself, have survived our parents’ child-rearing. When you make it out of childhood and young adulthood alive, you can reflect more clearly on the experience of having lived with your parents.
You’ll realize that they didn’t know any better and didn’t understand what they were doing.
You are not the first or last person to experience these kinds of difficulties at home.
Many people have experienced this type of abuse, figured out a way to make peace with it and used this difficult part of their lives to accomplish good things. I’ve written an entire book on how to make peace with this kind of abuse which you can pick up here. The pain can be used for good later in your life. It can give you coping skills and strength for other difficult situations.
It’s a lesson in adversity.
You are walking a path that many have walked before you – you’re not alone. We’ve survived it, and you can too.
3. Find someone who understands. There’s nothing wrong with you.
You’re not inadequate, dumb or incompetent.
You’re the child of abusive parents, that’s it. Parents who don’t know any better.
To help remind you that you’re not defective or deficient in any way, share your experiences with someone who understands. A good friend to talk things over, a sibling who can empathize, or a family member you trust are all good people to confide in.
If you have the means, and especially if you’re an adult, consider counseling. In the U.S., this is not very taboo, but it does seem to be in other parts of the world.
Get hold of a counselor to support you or a professional to help you be emotionally resilient, find healthy ways to deal with your parent’s behavior, and try to reduce the detrimental impact of your parents on your emotional and mental life.
4. Boost your personal development, character and behavior.
While you can’t change your parents, their attitude or behavior, you have a priceless opportunity to work on yourself.
I know I know – they are the problem and are the source of the greatest pain in your life.
But Viktor Frankl reminds us that, “when we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
In the depths of your frustration and helplessness, all you can do is try to find ways to make self improvements and become a better person yourself.
While your parents are angry and abusive, you can learn how to release the anger in your life and treat others better.
While they view you with scorn, you can to find compassion within yourself.
While they are disrespectful and crude, you can be loving and forgiving.
You can intentionally and purposefully start changing your behavior, attitude and reaction to your parents’ wild ways.
Surround yourself with positive people, books and messages. Even blogs and inspiring Ted talks online. While your parents may be poisoning your ears with insults and throwing darts at your soul, choose to combat their impact by proactively spending time around positive people and messages.
Inspirational messages by inspirational and resilient people can help you stay in good spirits.
Use the internet and books to mold yourself into a new person. Work on your personal growth and character in the face of the storm.
5. Live in the present moment. Yes, they hurt you yesterday and the day before that and many many other days. But look at the moment that you have now and try to live for that moment. When you’re not feeling their wrath or their putdowns, they are not hurting you in that moment. Embrace that moment.
Try to not let the past hurts and pain have a snowball effect on you, creating something you have to deal with every day.
Take it day by day and moment by moment. Don’t let the past repeat in your mind after it’s gone.
6. Change your internal game. You can’t control your parents, what they say or what they do, but you can control what you’re feeling and thinking on the inside. You’ll have to take everything they say and do and reframe their words, intentions and actions.
What they are saying is not what they really mean.
They want to say they love you and support you, but don’t know how to voice that. They would if they were programmed differently.
You have to fill in a lot of the blanks for yourself. You have to feel those things that your parents are not showing, fill in the blanks for the words they don’t say and the actions they don’t take.
For every damaging comment and insult they hurl, you can try to give yourself a different meaning of it or change the context for yourself. Try to be understanding and empathetic of their behavior, as challenging as it may be. They are challenging you to be your highest and most spiritual self.
It’s not entirely their fault – they are the product of their parents, culture and Indian mindset.
7. Journaling. Finding ways to express your feelings is a helpful way to deal with the rejection, pain and hurt that your parents are causing you.
While you may not have access to a professional therapist while you’re still living under their roof, find ways to write out your frustration, anger and pain.
You can use a journal to try to listen and write down what they’ve said, why it’s not true and what your feelings are about the nature of the critical remarks. Counter their remarks with your version of the truth. Counter their abusive words with positive ones.
8. Know your time is limited. You only have so much time left with your parents. Know that you won’t spend an entire lifetime with them, but only a few short years before you get out of their domain.
This is similar to surviving torture or any unpleasant situation. Find ways to cope and wait it out. The parents who rule your life now will not do so forever.
9. Practice self-love. I have an entire eBook on this, but acknowledge that your feelings will be hurt, your confidence affected and your self-esteem ruined by living with your parents. How do you love yourself while you are surrounded by negativity?
Spend the time that you have working on accepting, loving and being compassionate with yourself. If you aren’t feeling the love and emotional support at home, you’ll have to find ways to cultivate your love for yourself from within.
10. Take the high road. Be willing to forgive, understand and love your parents, knowing that they really have no idea what they’re doing. As I’ve explained above, you know why they’re acting the way they are.
Really, they just want the best for you. It may be for all the wrong reasons, but they want you to live up to your potential. Having parents that are missing from your life or don’t care about you could be worse.
They yell, scream and criticize as a strange and unusual way of showing you love. They believe that you’ll thank them one day for the discipline and encouragement they’ve given you, not realizing how much damage they are causing you.
Chose to act from a place of wisdom and let go of their trespasses on your life.
11. Forgiveness. Knowing some of the reasons that your parents are they way they are, you have to start with forgiveness. As difficult as it might be, you have to forgive for one major reason. Your parents are already hurting you by attacking you and making you feel bad. You are only adding insult to injury by allowing them to hurt you even more when you confront them with anger.
Forgive. Not for their sake, but for your own.
The quicker you forgive, the quicker you’ll be releasing any resentment and pent up anger you’ve built up. Forgiveness is the key to your peace.
12. Take on the challenge. If your parents are overly critical about a certain area of your life like school or grades or your health, challenge yourself to improve in that area of your life.
Show them that you can do better – turn it up a notch just so they’ll leave you alone. And hey, when you’re the CEO of Microsoft, you just might thank them for the discipline and abuse!
13. Ignore and retreat. Let the harmful words your parents are spewing out go in through one ear and out the other.
Realize that the negativity and criticism are your parents’ issue, not yours. Try to not take anything they say personally. If you do take it personally, refute each putdown and critical comment with a positive one. Come up with reasons and logic that are contrary to what they’re telling you.
Try to reduce the amount of face time you have with your parents. If you have projects and homework, work on them in a locked room. Spend time at friends’ houses and volunteer to do things that will take you anywhere out of the house.
Look out for what you say and do that sets your parents off. Are you provoking them in some way? Is there one part of your life that makes them angrier than others? Do you say things that infuriate them? Be aware of what the big blow ups in your life are about and try to take precautions to avoid certain topics or behaviors with your parents. .
14. Cultivate spiritual practices. They can say things to you, harm you emotionally or try to hurt you in other ways (in hopes of motivating you to do what they want). What they can’t do is disturb your inner calm.
Seek out spiritual practices like meditation, yoga, and mindfulness practices to be in tune with yourself. Go deep within and release the pain that you’re confronting. Transform the tears and pain into love and healing.
The words may reach your ears, but refuse to let them destroy your spirit.
You can try to embrace the pain and suffering caused by your parents. Feel it, hold it, and let the negativity bathe over you. By being present with the pain and mindful of the caustic words they use, you’ll be able to let go of the sting of their behavior.
15. Learn the lessons. What could this possibly be teaching you in life?
Is there any merit to what your parents are saying to you? Definitely not!
Is there any underlying value to living with caustic and bitter people? Maybe?
Are you learning how to deal with difficult, rude and belligerent individuals? Absolutely!
Ask yourself if your parents are your greatest lesson and try to determine what lessons you can learn from their words and behavior. What can you learn from their unconsciousness?
Will you treat others differently? Will you be a much different kind of parent?
16. Be thankful. While you may absolutely despise them for their cruelty, there are things in the past and present that you should be extremely grateful for.
Your parents have made sacrifices, worked hard and put food on the table for you.
They may have done touching, considerate and even kind things for you.
They may have taken care of you in illness, treated you to a special birthday, celebrated you in some way, spoken well of you to friends and family.
When you chose to focus on the smallest amount of gratitude towards your parents, you will lift the weight of all the negativity and hurt that your parents are causing you. A little gratitude just might help you seem them in a more positive light.
17. Try kindness. Your parents may appear to be irrational, insensitive and callous people.
Challenge them and fight them, and they will continue to make your life even more hellish.
Trying to appease them, love them and be kind to them might, just might, get them to stop, or at least take it easier on you.
18. Use your imagination. This last tip could be Walt Disney-like, but it could help and just might save the day.
How is your imagination? If you’re creative or have a lively imagination, use it to your advantage. Imagine you’re not living at home and experiencing the daily berating and spouts of anger.
Use your imagination as an escape. Imagine you’re a pirate traveling the world, Huckleberry Finn on an adventure, or riding Aladdin’s magic carpets.
Allow yourself to escape the mental and emotional torture by visualizing being in an entirely different place. A voracious reading habit can also help you take your mind to a more peaceful and happy place.
Family dynamics are a difficult thing. When we interact and are with those closest to us, we experience many emotional wounds and pain.
To cope, try some of the strategies above. Remember at the end of the day that regardless of who does what to you, you ultimately have the power to decide how you’re going to react.
You can set aside the pain, anger and self-loathing to choose forgiveness and love.
Your parents may have trouble expressing their love for you, but you have the ability to practice empathy and understanding and reciprocate with kindness.
You can choose the high road, embrace the lessons from this relationship and prepare for better days ahead, because it will get better.
I want you to know that healing is possible and you can overcome the scars left by your parents. You can read more in this book I wrote for you here:
The summer of travel continues. I found myself in India this past month and visited the beautiful state of Karnataka, where the weather was cool and the people, even cooler.
One of the main highlights for me was visiting, the Murudeshwar temple, where I ran into 12o foot statute of Lord Shiva, sitting at the edge of the Arabian sea. It’s the second largest Shiva statute in the world and is as breathtaking as it appears in these first couple photos.
A nearby elevator allows you to go upto Shiva’s heights to catch a spectacular view of Shiva and the nearby town. This statute of Shiva reminds us of his mythological awe, power, strength and prominence in Hindu religion and traditions.
In addition to the Shiva statute, there is a temple below devotees can visit, with a mighty tall 20-story temple tower (gopura) that appears to disappear into the sky.
This temple does justice to Krishna’s role and influence in the Hindu faith. The walk up the temple (it’s a bit of long one) chanting Krishna’s name is sure to invigorate and inspire any Krishna devotee. You’ll certainly feel Krishna’s presence and blessings, being on the temple grounds.
Finally, one of my personal new favorite places in the world is this church in the City of Bangalore – the Infant Jesus Church. This is a church inspired by the Infant Jesus shrine in Prague. Visited by people all over Karnataka and India, it’s become a pilgrimage site for many devotees. I found my visit to be peaceful, inspiring and filled with blessings. The message during Mass was down to earth and the music, heavenly.
Hope you enjoyed the photos and hope you’re having an enjoyable summer as well! If you enjoyed the photos, please share these photos with anyone you think might enjoy seeing them. Thank you.
I help people overcome their devastating breakups and divorces and find love again. Instead of visiting the Himalayas, sign up below and join me. I am taking a writing break but will be back soon.
This guide is free. A ticket to the Himalayas is $2000. Your move.
