Do you ever wonder if you’re being lied to by society?
Does it feel like you’re being hoodwinked to live a certain kind of life and it just doesn’t feel right to you?
I sure did and when my life fell apart after my divorce, I was able to wake up and come out my deep metaphorical coma.
I came to the profound realization that my whole life was premised on societal expectations. Everything from work and school to relationships and what I should be doing with my life was created by society’s demands.
This past year, I put all my thoughts about this topic into a book called, Seven Sacred Promises.
Why do I call these promises sacred? What are these promises? What will living these promises mean to your life?
If you’d like to hear more about the book and my first podcast interview with my friend, A.G. Billig, check out the podcast below.
Pick up this book to learn how to build up courage, discover your calling, find your courage and live your truth. Read this book only if you’re ready to wake up and start living from a sacred space.
If you’re interested in reading the Seven Sacred Promises, you can pick up the e-book on Amazon here or pickup the paperback book here.
At the end of the day, we all the same on the inside. If you get past our physical appearances, race, skin color, we are all the same yet we spend so much of our time focusing on our differences.
This is the powerful message that Rohit shares in the video above. I found it both catchy and empowering so I’m sharing it with you.
Listen. Share. Take the message to heart.
To keep up with Rohit’s music, visit his Youtube account or follow him on Instagram here.
A son. A grandson. A brother. An uncle. A nephew. A cousin.
A lawyer (okay…a former one…but still…).
A blogger.
A writer.
Who am I, really?
I asked myself this question a few years back.
If you had asked me who I was before my divorce, I would have said that I was a practicing lawyer in California. I would have said that I was pursuing my profession, moving up in my career and being a husband.
If you pressed more, I would have told you that I believed in truth, justice and doing what was right in the world. I would have said that I helped balance the scales of justice in my life.
Today, I have a very different answer – keep reading to see what I would say now.
Like you, I have many labels that define me.
We take on so many identities, but how many of these identities are really us?
You and I are both products of our environments, our professions, our parents, our families, our friends and our classmates.
These labels, these representations, these appearances – all ultimately define us.
We are our personalities. We are our pasts. We are the stories we’ve been telling ourselves.
We are our egos.
If I were to ask, “Who are you?” you’d tell me, “Vishnu, I’m not tipsy right now and can’t answer questions that have no relevance to my life. I gotta finish this *&#^@^&@ work report and get home to finish the House of Cards marathon.”
But at what point in your life do you actually ask yourself this question: “who am I?”
I’m not asking about your nationality, your citizenship, your career or where you live.
This is as deep as it’s going to get.
Who are you really?
If you’re not asking yourself this question or reflecting on who you truly are, you’re likely not getting to your core – your essence.
If you’re not spending time with yourself in silence, you’re likely not living your own life, but rather one that society has dictated to you.
See, it’s way too easy to go through life and have other people influence us. We face a barrage of messages on the daily.
Our parents tell us what to do. Our friends. Our colleagues at work. Television. Soap operas. Magazines. Society.
When so many messages – all of them based on someone else’s perspective or generally accepted notions about life – inundate us, we end up living disingenuous lives.
That’s when we start living like everyone else. Start having dreams like everyone else. Start moving where everyone else is moving. Start working in careers that everyone else has. Start eating at restaurants where everyone else goes…you get the picture.
If you feel like you’re done living unconsciously and you want to get to your essence so that you can live more in line with your truth, this post is for you.
Here’s how to find the “real” you and start living your truth.
1) See who you are.
If you’re not you, who are you?
You’re a collection of beliefs, values, labels and identifications.
The first step to getting to the real you is to recognize all these external labels and identifications.
It’s hard to do so because you’ve attached so many of these labels to yourself. For example, you’ve had your name your entire life and believe that you are the person who goes by that name.
You’re of a certain race. You’re of a certain citizenship and come from a certain part of the world. You speak a certain language. You belong to a certain social group, community group or cultural group.
Start taking note of who you are by becoming aware of these labels.
Here’s an exercise to help you get some clarity about yourself. All you have to do is fill in the blank to each of these questions.
Labels – fill in the blank
a) My name is ____________________
b) My race is ____________________
c) My citizenship is ____________________
d) My ethnicity is ______________________
e) I speak __________________________
f) I was born in ________________________
g) I’ve been on this earth for ___________________ (# of years)
h) My parents are from _______________________ (country of origin)
i) I’m one of ___ children in my family. (how many children)
j)I’m a _____________, _________________, ______________. (family roles like mother, wife, daughter)
k) I attended ________________, ________________. (schools and universities)
l) My religion is ____________________
m) My political party is ____________________. n) I belong to ______________________. (clubs and associations) o) I belong to ______________________. (name of church, temple, mosque) p) I studied ____________________. (your field of study) q) I am a ___________________. (career or profession) r) I am a ___________________. (introvert/extrovert) s) I drive a ________________________. t) My hobbies are _________________________.
Beliefs – fill in the blank
Throughout your life, you have collected, compiled and arrived at a certain world view that now consists of your belief system. If you’re like most people, you’re holding onto your belief system for dear life.
Without a strong attachment to beliefs, you might lose your identity. You might lose who you are and everything you know about yourself.
Let’s go through some beliefs – fill in the blanks below.
a) I believe in the _________________faith (religious beliefs)
b) I believe in a ___________________________ (type of government)
c) I believe that money ________________________ (money beliefs)
d) I believe success comes from _________________________
e) I believe people are always __________________________
f) I believe that happiness comes from ____________________
g) I believe that hard work ______________________ (fill in the blank)
h) I believe the luckiest people ___________________ (fill in the blank)
Values – fill in the blank
Think about everything you value in your own life.
These are the qualities that are important to you: qualities that you base your life upon. (If you don’t know what values are, have a look at this comprehensive list of values to help you determine which ones matter most to you.) List all the values on this list that resonate with you.
What are your dreams? What are you here to achieve? What do you want to accomplish in life? What are you meant to do? Feel free to fill in the following blank with whatever comes to mind right now. There are no right answers and you don’t have to have all the answers.
I wanted you to complete the previous exercises so that you can see all the ways you identify yourself. You’ve created a personality and a person based on some facts about yourself.
Now that you’re aware that you have adopted values, beliefs and labels about yourself, I’m going to ask you to challenge yourself and the labels that define you.
I hope you’ll see that you are not these labels, not these identities. These are simply ways you show up in the world and introduce yourself, but they are hardly you.
2) Step away from yourself.
The key to finding yourself is to realize that many of the beliefs, values and even life experiences you’ve had don’t define you.
If you look at the list of values and beliefs above, you’ll realize that many of the beliefs and thoughts you have about yourself developed throughout the course of your life.
But again, your beliefs, values and life aspirations are not a statement of who you are.
They are not you.
Once you recognize that you are not these external labels or a collection of beliefs, you can open your eyes and discover who the real you is.
The real you or your essence or soul.
Who are you beneath it all?
Who are you when all the beliefs, knowledge, values and labels drop to the wayside?
Who is under there?
Here are 3 practices to help you glimpse your true self.
a) Start becoming more aware of your belief and values system.
Know that you are using values, beliefs and labels in your life like clothes. You have developed them and wear them to help you navigate your life, but they are not permanent. Just like you change clothes, you can change your beliefs, values and life.
Don’t assume that you are one with your labels and values. Step back from these thoughts, beliefs and labels, and see them as a part of you – not you.
b) Get more quiet.
One of the many reasons to delve within yourself is not simply for mental and emotional clarity, but to get to your truth – your inner nature.
There are many practices to still your mind, including meditation and prayer. The quieter your mind gets, the more clearly you are able to see yourself as you truly are.
One of the best ways I’ve gotten to my truth is through daily walks (without my iPhone or smartphone). A daily walk (especially in a natural setting) allows you to become more reflective and introspective.
You have to get more quiet and less busy to get to your true nature.
Quieting yourself allows you to hear your deep inner voice, minus the societal noise and chattering mind talk.
c) Practice observation.
Become more aware of what Michael Singer calls your inner room-mate.
There is you and then there is this person inside of you who is experiencing, thinking and reporting back to you on life. No, I’m not saying you have multiple personalities and voices in your head! What I am saying is that this person inside you is experiencing life and having opinions, thoughts and feelings.
Simply being aware that there is a person inside you making observations and having thoughts is the key to getting to your truth.
Once you realize that you are not this person who is thinking, feeling and having opinions, you’ve cracked the code to yourself.
You are the person underneath all that.
Be observant of this person who thinks, feels and has opinions. Continue to say “hello” to him or her, and live with the knowledge that you have a “person” who resides in your body and who experiences life.
3) Live your truth.
Getting to the real you is like peeling away layers of an onion.
First, you become aware of the labels you’re using to identify yourself. Then you look at the values and beliefs you’re carrying around in your life.
You start going deeper by looking for this person within who is feeling, thinking and having opinions about the world around you.
You give up attachment to all these things. You realize that all of it is clothing – your values, beliefs, thoughts and feelings that you put on every day. You carry them around in life but, like your clothes, they are not you.
As you go about the world with more awareness, you’ll automatically recognize that whatever thoughts and beliefs you had about yourself no longer define you.
In my case, I have a much different view of myself than I had several years back.
I no longer define myself by my profession or the work I am doing in the world.
When you peel back all the layers, I’m a soulful person trying to fully express my essence. In other words, I’m trying to be in tune with my soul or spirit in all aspects of my life.
And I’m using my journey back to my essence to light the way for others on their own paths back to their true selves. Thus, this blog, my writing, my coaching and the other activities I’m doing throughout the day.
If this sounds completely nuts to you, rest assured that I likely would have agreed a few years back.
In fact, anyone who’s far away from his or her true nature or who denies that we are soulful beings is going to think that people who say things like “expressing my essence” or “lighting the way to others” should receive a sentence of ten years at hard labor.
But that’s not you reading this.
Now, start reflecting on your essence.
When you’ve scrapped all the externalities, who’s in there?
When you remove the beliefs, thoughts, knowledge and fears, who’s left?
When you let go of the thoughts, feelings and opinions, guess what?
You’ve found yourself. That person within you will radiate vibrantly like the sun.
This inner being. This presence. This soul that lies within you. This wise place where you have all knowledge and wisdom – true power and truth.
Once you’re at that place, continue to act from that place.
Allow your spiritual practices to help you unpeel all the other layers to get to this essence. Let the ego and all the other layers we’ve talked about fall to the wayside.
Like a firefly, stay close to this truth that is burning brightly. Live from this place of truth. Make decisions from this place of truth. Live your life from this place of truth.
Treat people from this place of truth.
Go about in the world – your career and your purpose – from this place of truth.
Keep coming back to this truth every day.
Go within so that you’ll find this truth every day.
Let go of everything that is no longer your truth.
Watch your life shift radically as you stop living a made-up life and start living from your true authentic power.
“There is more to life than increasing its speed.” Mahatma Gandhi
For most of my life, I valued and lived by the rule that the busier I am, the better.
And the more speed and momentum I had, the more I felt I was ‘progressing’ in life.
While there is absolutely nothing wrong with taking lots of action and seizing the day, when we find ourselves in a perpetual rat race, struggle to keep up and begin to put ourselves and our health last, problems arise.
Last year at one stage, I found myself working 3 jobs, plus studying part time.
Did I feel like an “I-can-do-anything” Superwoman at the time? Absolutely! But did I also sacrifice my sleep, my family time, my social life, my eating habits, my exercise, my alone time and my hobbies? Absolutely!
It was only when I began to feel disconnected from my true self, anxious, always on the run, grumpy and irritable around my loved ones, and burnt out and exhausted to the point where I literally could not wake up at all one whole weekend (yes, I actually lost count of how many hours I slept!) that I realised that something had to change.
I began by slowing down, taking stock of my life and asking myself the question we all dread to ask ourselves: “where am I going?”. It’s amazing how the veil of ‘being busy’ gave me no time to think about just ‘where’ being perpetually busy was taking me – and even more importantly, WHO being perpetually busy was turning me into.
Then I spent the next 6 months actively reconnecting with myself and restoring more balance in my life.
With divine help, I made some much-needed positive changes in life including developing a closer spiritual connection with God and cultivating more faith…
developing a beautiful romantic relationship;
resigning from a job that was not serving me;
relaxing my mind and healing myself through Reiki;
launching my own small Reiki business…
detoxing my life more of negative energies;
sleeping more;
consciously beginning to acknowledge and let go of ‘ego’ habits such as pride;
spending more time with my family;
engaging in my hobbies such as writing and creativity more;
and developing healthier eating habits.
Here are 8 strategies I’ve learnt – and am still learning – on the road to creating a more balanced and authentic life.
1) Begin to see yourself as a HOLISTIC BEING (mind, body, heart and soul)
“Each of us is a house with four rooms – a Physical, a Mental, an Emotional and a Spiritual Room. We tend to live in one room most of the time. But unless we go into every room every day, even if only to keep it aired, we are not a complete person.” – Rumer Godden
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learnt through life, through practising Reiki and through my Holistic Counselling studies is that we are a multi-faceted, rather than one dimensional, being. And that balance comes when we begin to take care of these 4 aspects of ourselves, rather than just one or two.
It may sound complex to juggle 4 aspects of yourself, plus other aspects of life, but it is more straightforward than we think because our external world is a reflection of our internal world, and therefore positive internal shifts lead to positive external shifts, thus slowly creating a more harmonious existence.
And let me tell you from personal experience that even one small consistent change (such as the ones below) can lead to huge internal shifts and many other unexpected and positive results because our minds, bodies, hearts and souls are so intricately connected to each other.
♦ Some ways to nourish your Body: sleep more, exercise more, dance more, eat more natural and unprocessed food.
♦ Some ways to nourish your Mind: read more, do more creative writing, journal your feelings and thoughts more.
♦ Some ways to nourish your Heart: do more random acts of kindness, volunteer or give to charity, do more nice things for your family, friends or partner, do things you love doing more.
♦ Some ways to nourish your Soul: pray more, meditate more, write down your inner most dreams more.
Do more things that nourish ALL aspects of your holistic self such as Reiki, Yoga and Meditation.
2) Slow down and once in a while and ask yourself and God: “What can I change to make my life better and more authentic?”
Asking myself this question helped me reconnect with the person I was underneath my tiredness and grumpiness: the person who was desperate for peace and balance.
Asking yourself reflective questions like this may feel raw at first, but can lead to many positive results after. After all, we can only positively change the things that we first acknowledge as needing to be changed.
3) Create a personal Vision Board
Once we have acknowledged some things in our lives that can be positively changed or refined, we can choose to set some goals, dreams and visions and then create a Vision Board.
This board can be made simply by pinning to a pinboard the images, words, inspirational quotes and feelings we wish to cultivate more of in your life.
This is especially beneficial if you’re a visual learner and has worked really well for me personally.
As well as setting goals, allow room on your board for fate and the unexpected. The beauty of a Vision Board is that it can change over time as our lives and our dreams change.
Remember that setting up a board is not about being rigid or having a narrow vision, but about positive and flexible goal setting.
4) Switch off the TV, computer, phone and music from time to time.
Being accessible and ‘on call’ 24/7 means that we often don’t have time to breathe, let alone be alone with our true thoughts and feelings.
It’s okay to switch technology off from time to time.
Give yourself permission to do it, and you will find you have so much more free time than you realised.
5) Go out in nature more
We may often suppress, rather than fully express, our true selves in our daily lives. But in nature and environments where we are free from external glares, judgement, and expectations, we can be the person we are in our heart: fully ourselves.
To reconnect with your true nature more, spend more time in nature more.
It’s as simple as that.
6) Live more simply and from the heart.
The more I live, the more I am convinced that life is inherently simple.
And that being as straightforward and in tune with your intuition as possible is the best policy.
Listening to your inner signals and your intuition (heart), rather than overthinking everything (mind) may take longer to learn and implement (I’m still learning too) but it will be worth the effort.
By clearing and relaxing our minds, we become more in tune with our intuition and our lives begin to seem much more simple.
And we literally breathe easier.
7) Focus inward rather than outward.
Let’s remember that our only competition in life is the person we were yesterday, so never compare your life with others.
To others, it may not seem like my life has changed or that I have changed over the past 6 months. But I know it has, and that I have, and that is enough for me.
It may not seem like I am ‘progressing’ on the outside, but I know better and that is enough for me (and I have a different perception of ‘progress’ now too).
Remind yourself of 3 things:
Life is not a race – with ourselves or with others.
Dreams don’t have an expiration date.
Direction is as important as speed. Don’t just rush into things. Take it slow and choose your direction wisely and consciously.
8) Cultivate more patience…in relation to yourself and life.
Don’t rush any changes you make, force any new habits, or expect results overnight.
Instead, let’s honour the time it takes to do something, to develop a new habit or routine, and to see positive changes occur.
Just like seeds don’t grow into flowers overnight, new habits need time to grow and flourish.
They say it takes 30 days to form a new habit, so be patient with yourself and kind to yourself, especially in the beginning.
Because we are all a work in progress and constantly learning and evolving.
That is the beauty of life.
And finally…
remember to give yourself lots of support and credit, because working on our internal world is always more challenging than working on our external world.
You are amazing already for the efforts you have made and are continuing to make!
Tatiana Stoianovski is a Reiki Healer and Founder of Inspired Self. For daily inspiration and wisdom for the Mind, Body, Heart and Soul, please visit her Inspired Self Facebook page and follow her on Instagram. She looks forward to connecting! *Photo credit
When someone repeats something over and over you tend to believe it.
Even if it’s a lie.
Society has perpetuated these falsities throughout our lives, and everyone and their mother has bought into these ideas as “common sense.”
Yet when you question or challenge these ideas, society punches back swiftly, with brute force.
Society doesn’t like anyone who rocks the boat or takes a different path because…you might become happy and fulfilled.
And you might do it on your own terms.
And that’s just…not right.
Society wants you to play by its rules. It wants to be the rule-setter. It wants to be the law-creator and the dream-master. It wants to tell you yay or nay.
Society wants you to succeed on its terms, not yours.
And who is the ubiquitous society that lies to you?
Oh, you know, Mom and Dad. Uncle Lou. The Cooper family next door. The O’Brien family down the street. Nana and Dadaji.
Your community: El Dorado Hills. Folsom. Davis. Yuba City. Fremont. Pleasanton. Visakhapatnam. Chennai. Kolkata. Bangalore. Pune. Hyderabad. Singapore. Hong Kong. Shanghai. Osaka. Kuala Lumpur. Tokyo.
Pretty much anywhere you live in the world.
Your radio station. Your TV shows and telenovelas. Your Hollywood movies and Bollywood cinema (especially your Bollywood cinema!!).
Your Facebook feed, Instagram account and Twitter feed.
Celebrities and politicians.
Authors and journalists.
Your teachers and professors. Your career guidance counselors. Your mentors.
Newspapers and television news.
So how do you combat these lies?
You wake up!
Become aware that society is feeding you a bunch of bold-faced lies.
Challenge society’s assumptions and dictates.
Do what’s right for you and ignore the thundering buzz of lies that society feeds you.
Wake up. Stand up.
Stand up for your own happiness and live your own truth.
9 Lies Society Desperately Needs You to Believe
1) You need top schools and high marks for success.
This is the boldest-faced lie of all. Society feeds it to you from the day you start kindergarten.
All over the world, you hear that your marks and grades in school are what count.
Creativity. Character. Compassion. Kindness. It doesn’t matter. How you do on your next exam matters. How you do in school determines how much your family accepts you. How you perform correlates to how much love you receive.
And how well you do directly relates to your future success.
While, yes, better grades get you into better schools, better colleges and higher-paying jobs – is that really what success is about?
If success is about being happy, not rich, then society is lying to you like an expensive Persian rug.
Top schools and high marks are for people who don’t have confidence and who need external rankings and reputations to validate themselves.
If you have initiative, drive and confidence, focus on what interests you and what you’re passionate about.
Don’t allow your grades to determine your value.
2) You need graduate school and a professional degree to be a success.
You don’t need a &(@_!*! degree from a prestigious university, mate. You need confidence and you need to believe in yourself.
Unfortunately, they don’t teach that class at Yale or Cambridge.
Even if you go to a top graduate program or pick up a fancy professional degree, you have no idea if you’re going to be happy or successful in that field.
You have no more certainty that you’re going to pursue your purpose or find your dream job.
Be patient with the path. Since your dream job won’t find you, go out there and seek a variety of opportunities to help you eliminate jobs and careers that don’t fit.
Run away furiously from soul-crushing work; find work that brings you joy and makes you jump out of bed in the morning.
Do you really need a degree from a top school, considering that many millionaires dropped out of college, many billionaires went to average schools and many successful people never finished high school?
Graduate degrees leave you with debt, consume years of your life and force you to specialize in one career track.
If you’re uncertain about your abilities and if fear paralyzes you, go to a top school.
If you believe in yourself, find work that you’re good at and that you’re passionate about.
3) Pursuing your dreams is for the foolish and naïve.
If you quit your job and write poetry, people will think you’ve lost your mind. A society that sees you as a threat to convention will meet your independence and creativity with resistance.
“Who do you think you are?” it will smirk.
It’s never too early or too late to follow your dreams. And you don’t have to drop everything to start on them.
You don’t have to quit your job, sell your house and live on the streets to launch your music career.
Take small steps today to transition to or create your dream job. You can use a volunteer position, time after the kids have gone to bed, or the weekends to nurture your dreams.
Take small but consistent steps, even if you have a family or financial obligations. Work on your dreams every day. Create time for your dreams.
Society wants you to pursue your dreams only when you’re financially well-off or retired, but don’t delay on getting started.
Start today.
4) You need to become a homeowner and own the biggest house you can afford.
When you own a home, as I did in the past, you have a regular monthly mortgage and obligations. This comes with financial worries, continuous expenses and a lifetime of regular upkeep.
A home, they say, will bring financial stability.
But…it will also constrict your life, limit your freedom and keep you stuck in a life you may not want.
Without a home, you can save and invest more of your money in your future.
Without a home, you can travel more and pursue your dreams more vigorously.
You won’t have a constant financial commitment that you’ll work a lifetime to pay off.
The real estate industry and the “American dream” want you to buy into the nonsense that a house = security + stability + a set financial future. Well, the industry profits plenty when you buy a home.
Without a giant financial commitment, you’ll be free to live your life instead of feeding the never-ending house-monster.
You can find financial stability without a home. You’ll also have freedom, peace of mind and more money to do what you want.
5) The bigger your salary, the more success you’ll have (and the happier you’ll be).
Having enough money to cover your basic life necessities is important, but why tie your internal happiness to your bank balance?
Society, like your parents and teachers, wants you to believe that the longer and harder you work, the more money you’ll earn. With more money, you can buy more things.
Society leads you to believe that the more possessions you own and the more junk you collect, the happier you’ll be.
Reality and the research show that your happiness plateaus after you reach a salary of $75,000.
If you buy into society’s construct of money and wealth, you will need more money to buy the things society insists will bring you happiness.
Retailers need your money. Corporations need your money. Luxury car makers need your money. Nordstrom and Saks Fifth Avenue need your money.
Hopefully, you realize that you don’t need gadgets, furniture, jewelry or cars to bring you happiness.
You can find happiness by simply being and choosing to be so.
You can be happy by being thankful for what you have.
You can cultivate happiness by serving others.
You can find happiness in family and friendship.
You can find happiness in doing work that is meaningful and in activities that feed your passion.
And you can buy all this happiness for $0.
6) Simple living = poor living
You can survive while owning less stuff. Yes, you can.
Without material possessions, you can find yourself in breathtaking scenery, among rich cultures and traditions, and in the company of inspirational people.
All you have to do is look around and acknowledge what you have. The most dazzling beaches may be a mere 15 minutes from where you live. The little remote village you’re staying in may have stunning views and sunsets.
Without much money, you can have rich experiences – experiences money can’t buy. Take a free tour of a nearby gallery, visit a mystical city or take a walking tour to see the wonders of where you live.
Broaden your network of friends so you can share music, poetry, art, recipes, travel stories and other experiences with each other.
Having less stuff and richer experiences allows for greater connection with the world and for more intimate relationships.
You can live simply and enjoy rich experiences and an abundance of happiness.
7) You need a life partner (and a kid) to be complete.
Every Disney story and every fairytale you’ve heard in every Taylor Swift song on the radio remind you that you’re not enough if you’re single.
Society wants you to be part of a couple. And can’t imagine someone being happy alone.
Society wants you to experience the “joys” of couplehood and marriage. Society wants you to have (raise and pay for) a kid as well.
When you’re hitched and have a kid, you’re complete. You can buy bigger real estate, own two cars and get more stuff.
A family is a consumer-driven society’s fantasy – the bigger the family unit, the more you spend.
Don’t buy into this lie that society has perpetuated for generations. Just because everyone’s doing it (getting hitched) doesn’t mean you have to.
Cameron Diaz, Oprah, actress Tabu, Padma Lakshmi, Cory Booker and Condoleezza Rice are a handful of the rich and famous who have not.
And you don’t have to either. Don’t get hitched because society expects you to.
Or your mother. Or your grandmother.
Fight the world that wants you to put a ring on it. If you don’t want him to put a ring on it, keep your hands in your pockets!
Instead of seeking a perfect partner, seek to become a better version of yourself.
Then find a partner who enhances you or makes you better, not someone who completes you.
Be complete.
8) World travel is for the rich and famous.
Why travel today when you can wait until you’re rich, famous or retired?
Of course, if you look at packaged tours or mainstream travel publications that include all-in-one packages, travel seems out of reach.
But if you look at more creative travelers, backpackers and do-it-yourself nomads, you’ll find that traveling is way cheaper than you think.
Here’s an excellent post about all the different options for saving more, spending less and getting the most out of travel. This post defeats every excuse you have about travel.
Traveling is not just for the wealthy anymore.
You can travel on the cheap if you plan ahead and do your research online. Pick up a travel guide, read blogs that help you travel cheaply, and be flexible with your travel plans. You can even travel cheap for the long term.
If world travel doesn’t entice you, why not see more of the city you live in, or check out nearby travel spots?
Travel so you can see the world around you.
Travel so you can learn new things, open your mind and have new experiences.
Travel so you can find inspiration.
Don’t push off travel ‘til you can afford it or you have time – you might not be alive by the time you’re ready.
9) Your happiest days are ahead.
Society reminds you constantly that where you are is not enough.
If you do x, y and z, you’ll find the happiness you desire.
You’ll be happy when you buy that jacket or own that car or live in that house.
Peace of mind, happiness and fulfilled dreams are all in the future.
Wake-up call: Your best days are not ahead of you.
As spiritual author Eckhart Tolle has quipped, “It is not uncommon for people to spend their whole lives waiting to start living.”
Sure, your life circumstances and situations may improve, but why wait on better days when you can choose happiness today?
The best way to find happiness now is to live in the present moment.
Within each moment, strive to be present. Be willing to let go and accept what comes your way.
If you can find contentment and peace in the present moment, you’ll realize that your best day is today.
You can be grateful for whatever you have in your life now: the good, the bad and the challenging.
You can be happy by doing things that make you happy.
When you’re Indian and single, only one question is on everyone’s mind – when are you getting married?
It doesn’t matter if you’re 16 or 60; this is the question that preoccupies every Aunty, Dadi and family friend you run into.
Aunts seem to be waiting their entire lives to witness your marriage.
Grandfathers tell you that their lives are not complete until they see you married.
Your parents participate in deep daily prayers and fasts, hoping that you’ll marry within the year.
These parentals evaluate their lives according to your nuptials.
They give themselves an “A” when you marry a Harvard-trained doctor who comes from the same village in India that you did. They give themselves an “F” when you marry anyone who…isn’t a doctor, doesn’t speak Hindi, doesn’t have family with property in India, or can’t save lives/program computers.
Your life is not complete until someone puts a ring on it.
Or a chain on it. No! not like a prison chain gang.
More like an exquisite gold necklace around a woman’s neck.
Your life’s not complete ‘til you literally tie the knot.
Even divorce is not enough to end the speculation, prayers and hopes that you’ll get married (or, in this case, remarried).
Today you have a second chance. Or a third chance to make right what the Gods got wrong. What the astrologer miscalculated.
While you feel the mounting pressure to have an Indian wedding that generations of relatives can attend, you’re probably wondering whether marriage is even right for you.
And non-Indian people who have no idea what I’m talking about – you too might feel the pressures of finding a doctor kind-spirited, enlightened man who earns a living, provides unlimited emotional support and accompanies you on international travel and spiritual retreats. A man who wakes up the kids and gets them to school and awakens your spirit at the same time.
But what if a romantic partnership or marriage isn’t for you? What do you do then?
Are you better off alone? Should you stay single?
Only you know the answers to these questions.
Are you happy by yourself? Do you get enough companionship, friendship and emotional support from friends and family? Do you find life fulfilling and complete without a significant other in it?
Does your life have meaning, passion and purpose?
It’s difficult in today’s society to be by yourself. Your parents scorn you, your impatient family members continually check their mailboxes for wedding invitations, and every form you fill out shames you for not having a husband’s name to write on it.
Should you stay single?
Again, only you know the answer to that question, but I can list a handful of circumstances in which, yes, you should absolutely stay single!
Here’s when you should consider being by yourself, no matter how many wedding gifts you could net or how fantastic a honeymoon trip to the Bermudas would be.
Here are 5 situations in which staying single might save your sanity and your life.
1) When you’ve just broken up.
When you’ve just broken up with someone, you feel as though the world you know has crashed down on you.
You feel broken, unattractive, unworthy and like a failure.
It’s time to stock up on Häagen-Dazs ice cream, stream the Mindy Kaling show on Hulu and camp out at home with your cat.
It’s also time to cry, heal and take stock of what happened to you.
You might want to take glamor photos of yourself, upload them to a Match.com profile and start packing your calendar with dates for the next several weeks.
Maybe you want to bypass the grieving process for Tinder rendezvous and Shaadi.com introductions.
Of course this is an invitation to meet Mr. Wrong. You won’t be singing Sheryl Crow’s “My Favorite Mistake,” but instead writing the lyrics to a new song, “My Life’s Most Neurotic Mistake.”
When you feel broken down, opt for sanity instead of romance.
Allow yourself to rest, reflect and heal the pain.
2) When you’re not comfortable being by yourself.
Throughout your life, have you been in a series of relationships, one after the other, without any breaks in between?
Are you fulfilled only when you have a romantic interest?
Are you dealing with emotional bankruptcy, perpetual loneliness or a feeling of emptiness? Like your life has no meaning or purpose?
Don’t get back into another relationship simply to fill a void.
If you’re humming along to Sam Smith’s “Stay With Me” and can empathize with the lyrics, “Deep down I know this never works, but could you lay with me so it doesn’t hurt,” you should step away from relationships.
If loneliness and emptiness are lifelong issues, address those issues first.
Begin the journey to embrace yourself and do the daily inner work you need to find peace within yourself.
3) When you don’t know yourself.
You believe your partner is the problem.
The relationship didn’t work because of his jealousy. Or his communication issues. His lack of compassion. The fact that he didn’t listen to you.
If you have pre-packaged excuses and justifications that explain the reasons each of your relationships failed, hold the trumpets and silence the wedding bells.
Your issues might have nothing to do with the men you’re dating or meeting.
They might stem from you.
Do you have some issues that you have to work on yourself?
Family issues that still haunt you and are holding you back?
Have you not made peace and released the grief associated with a previous relationship?
Have you spent no time understanding yourself, being mindful of your thoughts or watching the emotional waves that flood you every day?
You don’t have to go to Rishikesh for a spiritual awakening or make the hajj to Mecca for clarity, but you can begin the process of going within. You can enter the shrine of silence and the halls of reflection.
You can acknowledge life long issues that are bothering you and start working on them.
4) When you’re with the wrong person.
This is both a simple decision and an impossible one.
It’s easy to linger in a relationship that’s not right for you. From the beginning, you knew he was an egotistic, selfish and anger-fueled mad man. And you were right.
You’re in the wrong relationship with the wrong person but you’re not able to break out of it.
Every fiber of your being says, “get out,” but family, friends and your 10 years of shared history make this task virtually impossible.
If you have an emotional investment, kids or family obligations to be together, you’re in a tough spot.
The solution is not to break things off and move on (as much as you may want it to be). You’ll have to work hard, engage in more self-reflection and maybe even seek outside help to get you both on the same page.
If family or kids aren’t issues but the relationship is still not functioning, you may have to do the inner work needed to come to terms with your situation.
Are you in the relationship simply because you fear change? You loathe heartbreak? You hate starting over?
Does staying in this dysfunctional relationship give you comfort, safety or companionship?
Again, it’s virtually impossible to walk away from a relationship, as much as your heart and intuition tell you to do so.
When your intuition rings the alarm bells and you ignore them, you’re living in contradiction to your truth.
5) When you’re uncertain about whom you’re looking for.
Many people go about dating and meeting people the wrong way.
They figure they’ll give everyone a chance and see what’s out there.
This, to me, is like going car shopping without knowing which car you’re looking for.
It would be like taking an international trip and not knowing which country you’re going to.
Essentially, I suggest that the key to finding your ideal mate is to determine the values you desire in another person. Decide your relationship goals and uncover common interests you share with the other person.
If you don’t know who you’re looking for, how will you know you’ve found him?
Oh, and to avoid the 3,000-item checklist you’ve been using to help you find Mr. Right.
How about three shared values, two relationship goals and a partridge in a pear tree a couple of shared interests that indicate you would likely enjoy the other person’s company.
If you don’t find these things after a 45-minute conversation, it’s time to move on.
Don’t let other people’s interest in you determine your interest in them. Trust yourself.
And until you have an idea about who you’re looking for, stay single.
If you go about dating while you’re lost, confused and uncertain, you’ll find a lost, confused and uncertain soul.
You don’t have to be single forever, but there are times in your life when you can benefit from being on your own.
If you still have work to do on yourself or need to figure out what kind of partner you’re looking for, spend some quality time alone.
Hold off against social demands, parental wishes and Facebook references to happy brides. Take care of yourself first.
I help people overcome their devastating breakups and divorces and find love again. Instead of visiting the Himalayas, sign up below and join me. I am taking a writing break but will be back soon.
This guide is free. A ticket to the Himalayas is $2000. Your move.
