One of the biggest fears when you go through a breakup is that you’ll never be with someone again.
This will terrify you. It’ll cause you to lose many nights of sleep and go into a deep depression.
You’ll believe that no one will ever love you again, that everyone else with reject you and that all future relationships will end in failure, possible murder and tragedy.
You’re terrified of being alone because you’ll shame your parents and feel like a failure.
You’re scared of being alone because all your friends are in relationships and getting hitched. They’re hiring videographers, sending out wedding invitations and working on seating arrangements.
Or, most likely, this is the only picture you had imagined for your life. I mean, you had read about this story growing up. You had always believed that you would marry and settle down, and you were doing everything in your power to materialize this life.
Yet it’s not panning out that way.
You broke up…again.
You got divorced…again.
You’re alone again and struggling to make sense of life. You’re terrified about what the future will be because you planned for no other future.
Can I get an Amen?
Hold up, people.
Or person reading this.
Hold the &)@&)# up.
Let me tell you a story all about how…my life got flipped turned upside down…I’d like to take a minute, just sit right there, let me tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air.
Oops, wrong story.
Let me take a minute to tell you that I was at a party – an Indian party with many married men.
The topic of wives came up and, interestingly, I heard a very comfortable, knowing and shared sentiment from everyone, though no one said a word.
The feeling wasn’t joy and universal acclaim.
It was something along the lines of “we’ve settled, we’re trapped and we can’t say anything.”
“Marriage isn’t the worst thing to happen to me but it’s not the best, either. I could have gone after my dreams and lived a great life but this ain’t that bad either. We got a house, kids and retirement.”
I felt a sense of gloom and doom and a tinge of sadness. I also felt giddy that the tables had turned.
I was the one who should have felt ashamed, alone and unhappy. My life had gone so far off course that I couldn’t relate to a single person at that party but I was the happiest lad in the room.
What gives?
Let me break it down for you, friends.
You don’t have to be afraid of being single. You don’t have to be afraid of your future. You don’t have to be afraid of filing your taxes single or being the solo RSVP for any party!
You can overcome the fear of being single and the fear of being a cat lady and the fear of being a lonely old man by…drum roll, please…
1. Loving yourself.
Loving yourself means treating yourself like you would treat someone you truly love. It’s the way you speak to yourself, the way you mentally judge yourself and how much you criticize yourself. It’s the way you treat your body and emotions.
A practice to love yourself and get comfortable being single is to treat yourself like you were in a relationship. Where would you go? What would you do? Which friends would you hang out with along with your significant other?
Live that love life even without the love from someone else.
Love yourself by loving your life and living it to the maximum.
2.Learning about yourself.
You have no idea who you are because you’ve spent most of your life believing that you need other people. You believe that you are your family. You are your partner. You are your relationship status.
News flash … you’re you. You may have no idea what that even is, but now it’s your responsibility and life purpose to figure out who you are.
(I have a couple of ideas about discovering yourself. If you would like a free guide on how to find yourself, sign up for my blog and I’ll send you a free ebook about finding and being yourself.)
Your job now is to discover your preferences, opinions, choices and purpose. It is to ask yourself what makes you happy and what you want out of life.
3.Cutting out the nonsense and noise.
The people around you often make the situation worse by putting more pressure on you or making you more scared than you already are.
They have their own agendas and reasons for intervening in your life.
If you’re getting a divorce in the Indian or Asian community, the people around you must salvage reputations and save face.
Your family could care less about you; they care more about the family name.
Keep the negativity and intervenors at bay.
You’re already hearing a lot of internal noise and negative chatter. You don’t need more from the outside world.
Stay hyper-vigilant about your inner circle. Make sure they are supportive and encouraging and that they help you feel more at ease.
4.Cultivating happiness and community.
You don’t have to wait until you’re in a relationship to be happy.
Let me repeat that: you don’t have to wait until you’re in a relationship to be happy.
You can find happiness today.
Your task is to cultivate happiness. If you have no idea how to do that and think you’ll need years of therapy from Dr. Freud himself, try this.
Do things that make you happy and that don’t destroy your health or well-being.
That rules out hard drugs, hard liquor and hard men. It includes simple pleasures, your favorite activities and new adventures.
If you don’t know what will make you happy, just get active and do something.
Get out of the house; stop wallowing in the sadness of loneliness.
5.Cultivating community.
This simply means doing things with other people.
You can ride your bicycle by yourself or join a cycling group.
You can read a book by yourself or join a book club.
You don’t have to go it alone.
Create situations where you’re around people and feeling less alone. Look for people you can do things with.
6.Giving back.
You may hate people and the pursuit of happiness and community.
Fine.
May I suggest giving back in some way, shape or form?
It’s weird but something is addictive about giving back.
Why do you think I write this blog? 99% percent of the people who read it do so at no cost and with no obligation whatsoever.
I spend half my life, it feels like, writing for this blog and other publications.
Why?
Because I enjoy sharing and giving… Giving back gives me immense pleasure.
The other 1% of people buy my books (which you can do here) or hire me for coaching (which you can do here).
7. Having balance.
If you’re working 24/7, you won’t have time for anything else.
If you’re completely occupying yourself, you have no space for all the parts of your life to flourish.
You must prioritize your down time and eliminate activities that don’t fulfill you.
Then you can create balance and down time to allow friendships to blossom, to allow yourself to socialize and date.
If you’re interested in another relationship, you must make the time and space for it.
Someone else will enter your life only if you make time for them. If you want a relationship, you must prioritize relationships.
8. Living with courage and hope.
You must exercise courage every day. You must find the courage to live without the fear of the unknown and the fear of uncertainty.
Yes, living by yourself is scary but you’re the captain of your ship and you’re in control of your life.
You had the courage to be in relationships and survive breakups in the past. Now you can survive without a relationship.
You can live courageously while being hopeful about a new relationship.
Back up the hope with action. You can’t hope your way to a new relationship. Get online. Go out. Volunteer. Get active in the community. Live your life and be open to meeting people who are potential partners.
9.Creating the life you want.
You’re waiting until you find that special someone to start living the life you want.
I propose starting that life today. No, you won’t be able to have kids and a family, but these days adoption and surrogacy make these options possible.
You can start living the life you want. You can go after the career you want. You can pursue the dreams you want. Start the business you want. Help the people you want. Travel to the countries you want.
You don’t have to wait until someday because that someday may never come.
Create the life you want today. Have a vision for your ideal life and start on it. A partner can enhance it but doesn’t have to be a critical component for you to get started.
Check on my books on self-love and self-acceptance at the Amazon store here.
While we’re no longer talking and I couldn’t make that budding relationship last, her book suggestion was invaluable.
I got a better a picture of what it takes in the book, The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work.
I’m still not sure I can fulfill these 7 principles but I finally got a scientific, research-based answer of what it’s going to take.
Here are the 7 principles it will take to make marriage work, if not for this marriage, then at least for your next one:
1.Being familiar with each other’s worlds.
You’re familiar with intimate details of your spouse’s life and you pay attention to these details. As the author puts it, couples who know each others love map, “know each other’s life goals, worries, and hopes.” When you have greater personal insight about your spouse, you’ll know your spouse better. When you know your spouse better, there’s more room for love and affection.
2.Look at each other with admiration.
Behind the antagonism and fights of a unhealthy marriage, can you still care for each other? Do you still find things that you like and respect about each other? The idea is to continue to cherish and appreciate each other in the normal course of the marriage. If you see your spouse with positivity and admiration, you can save your marriage and be happily married.
3.Turn toward each other.
You can make your marriage work better by regularly connecting with and turning towards each other. Are you being thoughtful towards each other, helping each other and being there for each other? Each time you help each other out or are there for each other, you are funding your emotional bank account. It’s paying attention to everyday interactions and valuing them, instead of taking your interactions for granted.
4.Let your partner influence you.
You have to an equal partner with your spouse to make the marriage work. You have to both participate in the decision making and respect and honor each other’s opinions and thoughts. You have to be willing to give and receive input to each other and take their thoughts into account when making decisions. When you accept the other person’s influence in making a decision, you strengthen the friendship between both of you. “…the goal is for both of you to be influential and to accept each other’s influence.”
5. Solve your solvable problems.
Take a new approach to settling conflict and solving problems that can be solved in a marriage, as opposed to the perpetual problems in a marriage. The most effective steps for resolving issues starts with softening your start-up, making and accepting repair attempts, soothing yourself and each other, compromise, and processing grievances so they don’t linger. The basic idea is to have good manners and to treat each other as you would a work colleague or guest when resolving problems.
6. Overcome gridlock.
Some arguments never end and both sides believe they are in the right. The issue becomes increasingly polarizing over time and neither side wants to compromise and lose. The best thing to do is to avoid or sidestep gridlock if you can avoid it. If you can’t avoid it, figure out a way to acknowledge it and discuss the issue without hurting each other. Neither party has to give in and lose, Gottman points out. “In satisfying relationships, partners incorporate each other’s goals into their concept of what their marriage is about,” he writes. He suggests ways to uncover each others deepest hopes and dreams to help couples find common ground and be able to support each other in the pursuit of these hopes and dreams.
7. Having a shared meaning.
Each successful marriage has it’s own culture. It symbolizes something and stands for something. “When a marriage has this sense of meaning, conflict is much less intense and perpetual problems are unlikely to lead to gridlock,” observes Gottman. The more you agree about the big picture or the profound things in life, the better your marriage is likely to be. Even if you don’t agree, if you can speak honestly and understand each other’s convictions and beliefs, your marriage will fare well. Meaning can be enhanced in 4 ways; creating rituals of connections around different aspects of your life. You can also develop meaning by supporting each other’s roles in the family, supporting each other’s personal goals and finally, having shared objects or activities that symbolize your shared values and purpose in life.
The idea of this book isn’t about doing everything but doing something. It’s about re-evaluating, communicating and implementing some of the many ideas discussed.
If you’re at a critical point in your marriage where some changes need to take place, pick up this book today.
The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work is the conversation starter and invitation to explore and understand each other more. Self-awareness and self-understanding, individually and as couples, can go a long ways in improving the quality of a marriage.
Pick up The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work here.
“I can predict whether a couple will divorce after watching and listening to them for just fifteen minutes.” John Gottman, Ph.D
If you had a crystal ball, would you have predicted divorce?
I sure wouldn’t have. No one ever gets married thinking they’re going to get divorced.
Are there tell-tale signs of divorce? According to John Gottman, professor psychology and researcher who has studied thousands of marriages, the answer is yes!
Thanks to years of scientific data and analysis in his laboratory in Washington observing and following up with real-life married couples, here’s what Dr. Gottman found.
It doesn’t take science for these concepts to make sense. Any one of us who’s been in a divorce can easily to recognize these very destructive behaviors we committed in our marriages which ultimately led to our divorce.
His analysis can be found in his New York Times bestselling book, The Seven Principles for Marking Marriage Work. Oh, and course, if you’re wondering what those 7 principles are, come back for next week’s post.
(And I don’t have to say this but if you would like to get all my posts and never miss a post, please put your name in the subscribe box in the sidebar of this page)
So what did studying thousands of marriages, couples and relationships show about divorce?
In listening to couples quarrel in the lab and fight as they are being studied, here are the signs that lead to divorce in relationships.
1. Starting off harshly. If your discussion starts harshly and filled with negativity, the discussion is going to end in a fight. “Statistics tell the story,” per Gottman, “96 percent of the time you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes of the fifteen-minute interaction!” He’s not saying if you start negatively, you’re going to have a divorce but if you have enough negative conversations which end poorly, you’re going to find yourself divorcing down the road.
2. Criticism: Gottman points out there are differences between complaints and criticism. Complaints are when you’re not happy when your spouse did something and you express your feelings to her about what she did wrong. A criticism, however, takes it to another level by attacking the person’s character or personality. You don’t simply comment that you’re upset that your wife spends too much money but complains that she’s a spend-thrift who is out to bankrupt you. You don’t complain that the meal is not tasty (this is a dangerous complaint by the way) but you go on to say that she isn’t good at anything or she can’t even do the simplest of things in life!
3. Contempt: Contempt is when you feel superior to your partner and disrespect her. You cultivate contempt by building up a whole series of things that you’re unhappy with and then don’t talk about. Partners who are contemptuous take on the higher moral ground and question the other person’s ability, worth, skills or behavior. You build up disgust and anger towards each over a period of time. You lose respect for each and believe you’re no longer equals but better than the other person. Every mistake or error in the relationship allows you to become even more contemptuous and lash out at each other.
4. Defensiveness. Often times, when you’re defending yourself in an argument, you’re really blaming the other person. You take the position of an innocent victim and lay the blame at the feet of the other person. “Defensiveness in all its guises just escalates the conflict, which is why it’s so deadly,” Gottman observes. Defensiveness means you’re not accepting responsibility for your part of the interaction and instead shifting blame back on your spouse.
5. Stonewalling. This was my favorite and I’m sure how most men handle conflict in marriages. In a regular conversation you pay attention and look at the person speaking. You listen, make up your mind, respond and go back and forth with each other. The stonewaller, however doesn’t participate in the conversation. “He tends to look away or down without uttering a sound,” Gottman writes, “He sits like an impassive stone wall…acts as though he couldn’t care less about what you’re saying, if he even hears it.” You feel that you can’t win no matter what and it would be easier to get through the hour by not being present or pretending not to listen. Stonewalling is not getting sucked into the drama you observe is going on.
6. Flooding. The reason men and sometimes, women, stonewall, is because they experience a feeling called flooding. “It occurs when your spouse’s negativity is so intense and sudden that it leaves you shell-shocked.” You try to avoid feeling flooding or flooded that you stonewall and keep the attacks at you at bay by not responding. One person is not able to handle the other person’s hostility, criticism, contempt, etc. If you feel flooded often, you’ll start distancing yourself emotionally which will ultimately lead to growing apart, feeling lonely and divorcing.
7. Failed Repair Attempts. Repair attempts are efforts couples make to reduce the tension of a situation, take a break from an argument or put the brakes on where a conversation is going. It’s humor, or changing subjects or taking the heat of any given situation. When couples don’t repair the above common practices, tension and resentment continues to build up. When couples are criticizing and being contemptuous, there is little room for repair, making flooding more pronounced and leading to one or both spouses withdrawing.
Even if a marriage has all of the other faults above but the couples can repair arguments and the behaviors above successfully, the marriage remains successful in the long run. When there were no repair attempts or when the repairs were drowned out, marriages eventually ended.
These signs of what lead to the destruction of a marriage may be sad and depressing. It may trigger memories for you of all the behavior you both exhibited in your marriage.
How do you actually make marriage work? You can wait for my post next week on the 7 principles of making marriage work or you can pick up The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Workhere.
I did whatever I could to avoid the breakup of my marriage.
Family intervention. Check.
European vacation. Check.
Marriage counseling. Check.
Date nights and communication. Check.
But it was all a bit too much, a bit too late.
Our relationship was beyond repair and nothing could save it.
Years of fights, yelling, speaking, not speaking, resentments and disrespect towards each other had created a relationship that no longer existed.
She left and all I had was had were some pots and pans, my clothing, heartbreak and soul-crushing pain.
Sleepless nights, uninterrupted streams of tears and consistent thoughts about whether living was worth it.
I believed my life was over.
You, too, may believe your life is over and it’s your ex’s fault.
You may believe that your ex is a heartless, soulless human being who had a lifelong plot to destroy you.
But before you conjure some sinister, criminal story about how your ex arrived on planet Earth to cause massive destruction in your life, let me introduce another possibility.
What if it had nothing to do with your ex?
It had nothing to do with the separation, heartbreak or divorce.
It had nothing to do with the cheating, disrespect or animosity that built up between you two.
When you’re experiencing the worst heartbreak of your life, and as your life is falling apart, you desperately want to believe your ex is to blame.
Your ex is the threat to your marriage and the destroyer of your life, you think to yourself as you seethe with anger and resentment.
Yet, we have the whole thing wrong.
It’s not about the pain, suffering and destruction that your ex caused.
That’s not what this whole life thing is about.
Sorry to break the news but life isn’t about heartbreak and pain, sadness or even joy.
It’s not about the white picket fence, a house in a gated community or having a family. It’s not about marriages that last, careers that accelerate or a luxurious life of chefs, butlers and meals in the White House kitchen.
Those who are lucky enough to live relatively calm and stable lives (none of you reading this, of course) will experience a mundane and non-growth oriented life experience. Not growing is comfortable and relaxing.
Yet those of you who have gone through the washing machine of life must come to some understanding of why you’re going through the spin cycle.
The spin cycle puts your life in upheaval but allows your soul to awaken.
Every time crazy life events – like divorces or breakups – happen, the world as you know it bursts wide open and you question the very meaning of your existence.
When you’re questioning, you’re existing. You’re asking yourself who you are and why you’re here.
During those times of questioning, profound spiritual shifts happen.
You are here to be more of yourself. You are here to be more of your inner being. You are here to become more of your spiritual being.
All of these beings exist within you but are dormant.
Only when your life and circumstances get shook, do you get woke. (I’m not even sure what that means but all the kids are using these words.)
Anyway, point being: the more upheaval in your life, the more questioning. The more questioning, the more awakening to who you are. The more awakening to who you are, the more aligning with your spiritual nature.”
Your spiritual nature is your essence, your being, the inner you that jobs, families, houses, careers, drinking and bowling nights usually hide. You don’t have to know who you are if you are busy and if life preoccupies you. When you’re experiencing success and achievement, you don’t have to ask who you are.
Only when your world breaks apart are you ready to ask questions, to grow and get in touch with your highest self.
So your devastating break up or the divorce you’re going through isn’t here to crush you, like you believe. It’s here to awaken you and take your life and consciousness to the next level.
The game isn’t about worldliness, happiness and stuff. It’s about spiritual awakening and inner peace.
A breakup can fertilize the ground for contentment and waking up.
Divorce can fertilize the ground for spirituality, knowledge and awakening.
You may feel like life has handed you a death sentence when you’re really being born again.
Your task isn’t to seek comfort and stability while on earth.
Your mission is to discover who you are and become more of that in your life.
I wrote a book about living an authentic life and living your truth; pick up 7 Sacred Promises here today.
“Try not to confuse attachment with love. Attachment is about fear and dependency, and has more to do with love of self than love of another. Love without attachment is the purest love because it isn’t about what others can give you because you’re empty. It is about what you can give others because you’re already full.” Yasmin Mogahed
I had tied my identity into our relationship.
I was she. She was me. And together, we were “we.”
I had entwined my social, professional and personal identities with this concept of “us.”
Both our names appeared on the return labels of the letters I sent out.
Inside our Christmas cards, both our names appeared as silver-stamped signatures.
Knowing my place in the world was easy when I was married.
No matter how bad our marriage was, it was comfortable, certain and complete compared to the world around us.
If divorce or a long-term breakup creeps into your life and you’ve created an identity with another person, you’re about to experience a life-altering event – one that shakes your identity to the core.
I mean, who would Queen Elizabeth be without Prince Phillip? Who would Lil Dicky be without Chris Brown? Kim without Kanye? Donald without Melania? Ben without Jerry?
Your heart, mind and soul will do everything in their power to hold onto something that feels like a necessary part of your identity.
You can’t let go because you’re attached for your life to the people you loved. The threat of losing them threatens your very identify and life.
How do you let go of your deep attachments to the people who were once part of your life and heart?
1. Your heart can go on without another person.
Yes, your heart can go on. I know this with 100% certainty because I’m living proof of it.
A few years ago, if you had asked me if I could go on, I would have emphatically said no.
Yet 5 years later, 500,000 written words later, 10 published ebooks later, 5 moves later, 3 around-the-world journeys later, I can tell you without a doubt: yes!
You can go on!
To get through life, your heart doesn’t need someone else.
You are fine on your own and you can find love by yourself.
You were born as love and came into this world as a loving baby, giving love. That is your true nature.
For much of your life, you’ve masked the truth that you are love because the world hasn’t been particularly kind or loving to you.
It’s never too late to tap into that love that is already there.
2. Your identity does not depend on someone else.
Once again, I’ve found this to be true.
You know, it wasn’t that hard to write address labels with only my name. It was actually shorter and easier.
Also, Prince had an identity of his own.
So did Janis Joplin.
And Santana.
And Elvis.
No, we’re not creative musical geniuses who changed the course of history, but you are a unique, special and one-of-a-kind human being.
There is only one you, just like there’s only one snowflake, only one raindrop, only one type of leaf.
You are you, even without a partner, relationship or significant other.
3.You are made of the same fabric as your ex.
How can you lose someone you can’t lose?
Imagine that you and your ex are clouds in the sky. If one of the clouds hides, does that change the fact that the cloud is there?
You and your ex, and everyone you know, are part of a greater universal spirit; a human threat that encompasses everyone on earth.
Our egos tell us that we are different and separate from each other.
Every spiritual master and divine guide who has walked this earth tells us the opposite. They say that we are all one; we are all representations of the greater divine fabric.
You may break up with your ex but to lessen the sense of loss, remind yourself that you haven’t really lost them. You can’t lose the cloud or the moonlight. It’s present even if some days you can’t see it.
4. Relationships and people are like nature.
You can learn to confront attachment if you simply view it as you view nature.
Nature you can handle but people, not so much. Let me explain.
In nature, creatures are born. They reproduce and kill. Other creatures eat them. There is a continuous cycle of beginning and ending. Lives end and life is birthed.
The weather is similar. The seasons come around like clockwork every year from spring to winter.
You and I don’t cry about these seasons that enter our lives. You don’t go into a deep depression because it’s the fall or because it’s winter. Instead, we learn to accept and celebrate each season of our lives.
You dress for the type of weather. You try to drive in the rain in California (rather unsuccessfully) or in the winter storms in Boston (quite successfully).
You don’t resist nature, the weather or the seasons.
You accept and celebrate the positive and negative of these cycles you have no control over.
Aren’t people and relationships like nature? Can’t we learn to accept and celebrate the good while accepting and saying goodbye to the bad?
5. You can fill the emptiness you now feel.
Removing your ex from your life has created a hole that you can now face.
Only when you experience this hole or vacancy in your heart can you do something about it.
Imagine that your whole life, you’ve been trying to fill this emptiness with something unhealthy or with some person.
Now is the time to acknowledge the emptiness for what it is. Instead of alcohol, drugs or people, fill this emptiness with yourself.
Pour in love, compassion and kindness for yourself. Learn to accept yourself and be loving towards yourself. Learn to stop criticizing yourself and putting yourself down.
You can heal only something that you know is broken. You can fix only something that you can see.
The breakup gave you this opportunity.
6. You can release the grasping and feel more free.
When you can’t let go, you’re continuing to grasp something you once had.
Grasping and being attached raises feelings of neediness, desperation and being stuck.
When you need someone else in your life, you’re not free. You’re at that person’s mercy.
You don’t believe that you can do life on your own. You believe that your identity and future are tied to the person you’re in love with.
Letting go allows you to breathe freely and take your life into your own hands.
You let go of the person by accepting that the relationship is over, similar to how you accept the weather and the seasons.
You can grieve for the relationship you had but you don’t have to hold onto the person you were in the relationship with.
Let go so you can breathe easily and free your soul from the prison you’ve created.
You can walk the path alone for some time before a more significant and loving relationship enters your life.
7. Letting go is not an end but a beginning.
This is an important way to view releasing attachment and letting go.
You can welcome in the new, grow and become anew only when you let go of the past.
You can choose to see the end as either the end or the beginning.
If you believe that the end is the end, loss, sorrow and pain will fill you. If you see the end as the beginning, you’ll see the end as the start of something special.
At the end of that last relationship, you’ll be ready for growth, development and more personal awareness.
You’ll be ready for a new life, a new relationship and new love.
You can welcome in the new only when you release your hold on the old.
I help people overcome their devastating breakups and divorces and find love again. Instead of visiting the Himalayas, sign up below and join me. I am taking a writing break but will be back soon.
This guide is free. A ticket to the Himalayas is $2000. Your move.
