by Vishnu | Dec 13, 2015 | Love and Relationships, Vulnerability
https://youtu.be/bFgZMe7mHgg
“Loving can heal. Loving can mend your soul.” Ed Sheeran
It’s officially been four years.
I’m still here. You’re still here.
All of us – survivors of divorce, heartbreak and heartache – are still here and still standing.
Some of us are barely here, but we’re still here!
Over the past four years I had gone out of my way to close off all the personal relationships in my life.
I stayed behind my fort, my moat, my castle of unscalable walls so that I wouldn’t have to open my heart to anyone.
I liked being there – hidden, closed and impossible to hurt.
Until I had an awakening – until I started questioning my beliefs and becoming more mindful of what I was doing.
I had used one dramatic experience in my life – heartbreak and a marriage gone wrong – to make up my mind about all relationships and love in general.
To me, love registered as painful, life-crushing and destructive.
It was my reality, my experience and my journey until I realized – exactly – that it was my experience, my reality and my journey which gave me the power to change how I viewed these past events in my life.
Yes, I could stay in the self-created prison of sabotage and loneliness or I could break through, throw off the shackles of heartbreak and stand up again.
See, when I was a recluse, holed up and walled-in, heartbreak won.
When I decided, by free will and choice, that my past was no longer going to imprison me, love won.
And you know what’s really motivating me to love again?
Why I signed up for those dating sites, why I said okay to meeting women my family has been introducing me to and why I said okay to blind dates? Why I even responded to a woman my brother’s landlord tried to set me up – in another state?
Why yes to love?
Because here’s what I’ve found by opening my heart to love again – as Ed Sheeran points out in this soulful song above, love may hurt but love also has the ability to heal. And mend your soul.
You can do two things after divorce and heartbreak: 1) run away, hide and never love again; or 2) grieve, heal and open up your heart to love again. And in loving, find that you can heal your heart by loving again.
By opening your heart, you allow it to piece itself together. All those broken pieces gather and join back together. Your heartbreak has allowed your heart to grow and become fuller.
So, that’s why I need to love – and that’s why you need to love.
You need to take down the walls.
Let go of all the false beliefs. Let go of the anger and the bitterness you may be harboring toward your ex.
Believe that love is possible again and believe that love can help you heal.
Your heartbreak was experience, and the more you do something, the better you get at it.
The more we learn about what didn’t work, the more we can learn what does.
The more insight we have about ourselves, the more we can share with others.
You don’t have to wait for anyone to love you.
You don’t have to wait for some kind-hearted, compassionate, caramel-skin Indian woman who’s in her 30s, in the five-foot height range, into yoga and working as a pharmacist to fall in love with you – I mean, of course if you know that person and she’s in Southern California, dial the number 909-263-5463 as soon as possible. No, that’s not my personal cell phone number which I’ll pick up in one ring.
What were we talking about?
Oh yeah, you. And love.
And why you need to love again.
You need to love again. It doesn’t have to be romantic love, either. And you don’t have to wait for someone to love you.
Loving again means the following:
1) Making peace with your past.
Forgiving those who hurt you and forgiving yourself for your mistakes in your past relationship.
2) Saying whatever needs to be said for closure.
Don’t say it to your ex – write it down or say all those things you wanted to say but couldn’t, out loud to someone you trust. Say those things that will give you closure and help you move on with your life.
3) Start loving those around you.
The people who are close to you – friends, family, colleagues, neighbors and anyone who needs some love. What does loving look like? Read this post here, which describes ways to cultivate relationships and take action on love. Loving someone doesn’t have to be in the romantic sense – loving is simply giving, sharing and making connections.
4) Confront your disempowering and negative beliefs about love.
You likely have strong love blocks that you should examine. What are those beliefs or feelings that are preventing you from loving again? What are you going to do to work through them and to let go of disempowering thoughts?
5) Practice opening your heart.
Put yourself in situations that allow you to open your heart and give to others. Feel compassion and sympathy for people around you – donate your time or energy to improving their lives.
Practice saying yes to things that scare you when you want to say no.
Visualize what a loving and supportive relationship looks like and be open to that.
Be open to loving yourself – be compassionate to yourself and kind to your thoughts and the demands you have of yourself.
6) Take small steps of courage on the daily to be vulnerable.
Vulnerability is saying that you’re looking for someone new in your life.
Vulnerability is putting up your dating profile. Vulnerability is uploading your photo. Vulnerability is telling someone you like them. Vulnerability is sending an email to someone you’re interested in. Vulnerability is responding to a message. Vulnerability is saying no. Vulnerability is saying yes. Vulnerability is saying yes to coffee. Yes to meeting. Yes to sushi. Yes to a movie. Yes to your friend who’s trying to set you up. Yes to your family who wants to introduce you to a friend’s daughter.
For my book, 10 Sacred Laws of Healing a Broken Heart, click here.
by Vishnu | Oct 30, 2015 | Divorce
I don’t want a divorce.
I wanted a divorce as much as I wanted the shingles.
Or a nice juicy steak (as a vegetarian, not very much).
Or to jump off a cliff on a bungee cord where I would free fall 100 feet and bounce back up.
In other words, I didn’t want a divorce.
It wasn’t something I welcomed or invited into my life.
True, I had regularly threatened divorce or suggested it as a solution to our marital problems, but I didn’t want it to happen.
The threat of divorce or the idea of divorce felt a lot better than the reality of divorce.
The actual process of getting a divorce was lousy and soul-crushing.
(A side note here: Never threaten to end your relationship with divorce if you have no intention of getting one. You might get what you ask for.)
With divorce, our very personal struggles and unhealthy conflicts became public.
I traded in a life I knew for something foreign.
New living arrangements.
New financial arrangements.
Splitting our belongings.
Filing legal paperwork. (I’d done it before for others, but seeing my own name there was an entirely different experience.)
Splitting our friends.
Each step of the divorce was more painful than the last. Each step I took felt like walking across a piece of coal that became hotter the farther I progressed.
Each step was slow, deliberate, and more scarring than what had come before!
Each step of the divorce process was an uphill mental, emotional, and psychological roller-coaster. Even for me, who had practiced divorce law and had filed the paperwork for dozens of divorces in the past.
Your spouse may be telling you that he’s done with the relationship, that he’s ready for a divorce, or that “he loves you but is no longer in love with you.” It really might have come out of left field for you.
Blindsided by the news, you’ll feel like the air’s been knocked out of you. Especially when you thought your marriage was going along just fine.
If you don’t want a divorce but find yourself going through one, here are some ways to cope with the process.
I can’t promise that you can make your divorce disappear, but these coping steps will help you survive the process and come out of it a better and stronger person…and possibly save your marriage.
1) Take it one day at a time.
It’s shocking news that your spouse wants a divorce, especially the first time you hear it.
Most days you won’t even feel like getting out of bed. And you’ll hate even getting in bed because you’re left by yourself with your fears and loneliness.
Your whole life flashes through your mind.
Your future appears bleak and non-existent.
To survive this period, you’ve just got to take it one day at a time.
Focus on getting through just one day – today.
You can’t control tomorrow or predict your future.
Planning and seeing your future and your next steps can wait.
Survive the workday, eat, spend time with the kids, do some chores.
Keep it simple – one day at a time.
2) Be prepared for the heavy mental and emotional sabotage.
You’ll likely experience thoughts of anger, guilt, and frustration. You’ll feel like taking your life, crawling into a hole and never coming out or disappearing into thin air.
Your mind will start getting sentimental, nostalgic, fearful, and vengeful. You’ll go through a wide range of mental images – many of them negative. You’ll want to blame, hurt, or harm your husband or wife!
If you can step away from these thoughts for a minute, you’ll be able to see that they stem from your fears. These thoughts are but a figment of your imagination – the worst possible fears about your future.
There’s no better time than right now to work on a mindfulness technique that helps you become more aware of your thoughts and emotions.
3) Who can you talk to?
When you’re going through something so shocking, you don’t want to burden anyone else with heavy emotional weight, but this is the one time in your life when you really need someone.
Your emotions and feelings will take a heavy toll on you if you don’t have a friend or counselor to speak to. Help someone help you process your feelings so that you don’t feel like doing anything harmful to yourself or someone else.
Talking to anyone – a friend, a coach, a relative will help. If you’re not up for sharing your feelings with others, start by writing them down; you’ll feel better putting your words on paper.
4) Seek love and compassion.
Regardless of what happens, if you stay together or go through with a divorce, there’s a life waiting for you after this ordeal.
To help you overcome and move through this event in your life, start taking steps towards love and compassion for yourself.
You start loving yourself by being more gentle with your own thoughts and speaking more kindly to yourself. Also, treat yourself better.
There’s no need for anger or self-sabotage or guilt. You don’t “deserve” divorce and are not being “punished.”
You didn’t do anything wrong and aren’t solely responsible for your marriage falling apart.
The way to win your future and win your life is to continue showing compassion and love for yourself.
Slow things down in your life. Start saying “no” to what no longer serves you. Start saying “yes” to your body, mind, and soul.
Take actions that help you feel good about yourself – positive affirmations, positive visualizations, supportive friends, relaxation, and sleep can help you survive the divorce process and become a strong person for life.
Your level of self-care and the extent to which you repair your self-esteem might also help save your marriage or give you a better perspective about yourself to make wiser decisions.
5) Don’t worsen the situation.
With divorce swirling in your life, you might want to do a lot of things to “save” your marriage. In a period of desperation, you’ll think the answer is more counseling, more communication or even begging your husband to hold on to the marriage.
Try not to take drastic actions or push your spouse away from you as you go through this period of your life.
If there’s any hope of saving the marriage, you must step back, let go for a bit and focus on your own internal, emotional state.
Boosting your confidence and practicing self-love will by far improve the situation more than anything you do to “save” the marriage.
6) Practice introspection.
There are many things you’d like to do to change the situation, but all those things may be out of your control.
What’s in your control are self-understanding and insights about yourself, which are always available to you.
You’ve typically looked outward at your husband, at the finances, at your future, at your relationship.
When you have no time to focus on what’s within you, you become preoccupied with everything you see in front of you.
Take steps to slow down your life and go within. Find the time and energy to focus on yourself and even your essence, your soul.
It’s time to connect with your true self and be open to everything you’re learning about yourself.
7) Surrender
There are two options when dealing with the possibility of a divorce – resistance and denial, or acceptance, and surrender.
You can fight and do everything in your power to stop a divorce, or you can find ways to come to terms with what’s happening in your life to survive a divorce.
Allowing things to happen, practicing acceptance, and surrendering to life will give you more peace of mind.
You don’t have to struggle so much mentally and emotionally if you’re willing to let go a bit.
Practice surrendering by learning to accept what’s happening, not pushing it away, resisting it, or trying to stop it.
Let the situation sit with you for a bit. Imagine what it would be like if you could accept what’s happening to you and be okay with it.
8) Live in the moment.
Instead of running away to safe and happy time in the past, keep bringing yourself to this moment.
You might feel like you couldn’t possibly live in the moment in front of you because it is so painful. You feel like life is yanking your heart out of you.
Yet here’s the thing – at this very moment, in this second, everything is fine. Anxiety, worry, and fear fill your life only when you fast forward or rewind.
In this very second, nothing’s wrong. If you are completely present and aware of this moment, you’re not going to be fighting and struggling.
Breathe into this moment. Breathe out in this moment.
If you can’t be in this place throughout the day, spend a few minutes of in-moment living.
9. Practice optimism.
I don’t know if you believe the Secret or any of those “law of attraction” materials, but here’s what I do know from personal experience.
Your external world tends to follow your internal world. How you feel and see the world from the inside is how you see the world unfolding around you.
Staying positive and optimistic can only help the situation, today and in the future.
I know you don’t want a divorce but try looking at the bright side of things. There may not appear to be a lot of bright sides at the moment.
Try gratitude daily.
Try small acts of forgiveness toward the people who hurt you and cause you pain. Even your spouse.
The more you’re able to view your situation positively, the more likely the situation will unfold positively.
Look at the situation and see how it’s here to serve you and deliver the greatest good to you. Seek the lessons that this experience provides. Ask how you’re going to grow from this time of your life.
You may not want a divorce and you may not be able to stop the divorce from happening.
A lot of this circumstance is out of your control.
If you can learn to step away from the circumstances and make some changes within, you’ll be better prepared to deal with the next chapter of your life.
You can work on compassion, care, and love for yourself. This experience can make you a stronger and better person.
Becoming more grounded and positive can help save your marriage.
It will also help change your life.
If you don’t want a divorce, check out this post
If you don’t want a divorce and want to save your marriage, check out this post on how to save your marriage. Or watch this video I made.
