She was demure in her speech, experienced in matters of the heart and open to dating again.
It was enough for us to continue conversing over the holidays.
She too had experienced deep and profound heartbreak that made her lose faith in relationships. She too hadn’t dated in years and had lost faith in love.
She told me that she was “over it” and was ready to move forward. The past few years, her family had listed her dating profile had corresponded on her behalf.
It hadn’t gone anywhere and she was ready to take back the reigns of her dating life.
Our connection started with heartbreak and ended with us both knowing that our families only lived 10 minutes apart from each other in Singapore. We bonded.
So began my most recent dating adventure.
How did I find myself here? How did I pull in someone who was highly compatible?
Let me count the ways.
It took me a minute (and by that, I mean years) to find someone who I was looking for.
Here’s what I did:
1. Yes, visualize. I had an idea of who it is I was looking for in a couple different ways. I had the qualities up on a vision board (cheesy, I know) and I had regularly been thinking about this question in the past. This is over the top but I created this worksheet that I filled out every so often. You can use it too. Print and fill this out so you too know who it is you’re looking for:
How can you materialize the person you want when you have no idea who that is. This worksheet will help you think through some of the qualities in the person you want.
When she asked me who it is I was looking for, I started saying a bunch of qualities on this sheet and realized that she matched every one of them.
2. Yes, value-ize. I just have to throw this out there. You can be compatible in many different ways but none of it matters as much as values.
As I got to know this East Coast woman, I verified our values by inquiring about hers. It was only upon realization that many of our values met that I realized this could be a real possibility.
Personal interests and hobbies don’t need to match as much. She loved television and I loved to write. We just figured I’d write while she watched tv although I did catch an episode of Stranger Things with her. Strange.
Anyway, check the values that the other person has. Talk to them about what they value in life. What qualities and characteristics are important to them.
Values are a critical component of the life coaching world. I just bring up these conversations in every area of my life!
3. Open your heart. I’ve been working on this for years. I’ve had to let go of the past and all the anger and resentment of the past. I’ve had to let go of the beliefs and pain of the past.
If your heart’s been bruised, you have to let down the walls that are protecting your heart.
The practices to do so are spiritual and emotional in nature.
You have to invite love and compassion into your heart.
You have to let go of resentment and anger from your heart.
Be a magnet for love and compassion. Be conscious of the state of your heart.
You feel gratitude in your heart.
You can feel happiness in your heart.
You can feel joy in your heart.
Many types of spiritual practices can help you open your heart.
Therapy and the ancient texts of almost any religions can help you rid your heart of the anger and resentment.
4. Open your mind.
I don’t know what about meditation helps so much but it does.
A regular meditation practice either focused on your mind or on your heart allows for your thoughts and feelings to simmer.
When you’re in a place of calmness and consciousness, it makes love easier to come into your life.
When your mind isn’t on overdrive and overthinking how to attract someone, someone gets attracted to you.
Don’t be consumed with drawing in a lover. Even worse, don’t consume your time thinking about how this person should be and what the time-frame of this new relationship will be. Don’t plan the wedding on the second date.
Yes, visualize but then let go.
Let the process take it’s path naturally.
5. Take chances
If you’ve had your heart-broken and found yourself in a place of profound sadness, you’re really not going to want to do this.
Do what?
This process!
I can tell you that every step of the way was a challenge for me. I was trying to get out of this in every way I could.
I was trying to consider what couldn’t work and what didn’t work.
I was looking for ways to end things quick; searching for reasons why this wouldn’t work and why we weren’t compatible.
Her love of Ayn Rand made me run for the hills but I didn’t. I stayed put.
You basically have to take risks, take chances and do the opposite.
You have to push ahead despite your old fears, beliefs and experiences of your past.
It’s hard but this is what it’s going to take.
You might feel like you’ve been part of this movie before and it’s going to end tragically but as you know, not every movie ends the same.
You can’t watch one movie and assume all have the same ending.
Forget ahead creating a new movie for yourself. There are new people, new parts, new characters and new experiences to be had.
The happiness and love you want is waiting for you.
You just have to move ahead despite yourself, your beliefs and your past.
There are a million reasons for you to leave, as Lady Gaga, would say.
Look for the one reason to stay.
Want to learn more about finding someone and attracting them into your life? Pick up my latest book, Does True Love Exist, on Amazon today.
Someone completely disappearing from your life, especially the first time, can be a terrible experience. It crushes the last ounce of self-confidence and self-esteem you have left. But when you don’t take it personally, it can be a blessing in disguise and the last step towards finding the love of your life.
It was instant chemistry, something which I had experienced only a couple of times before in my life. As we sat at the round table in the coffee shop during, sipping hot chocolate to warm up from the cold December afternoon, our bodies leaned towards each other as pulled by an invisible magnetic thread. A feeling of ease and belonging accompanied the fast beating of my heart.
He had deep blue eyes, was a vegetarian, dug conversations about energy work and aliens, and drove my favorite type of car. I was smitten, and so seemed he.
Our relationship took off this past September over the phone, while I was in the US. We would talk every day; he would always be concerned about me driving on the 405 at rush hour, or ask me if I needed money. But he would also get jealous over some of my Instagram pictures and occasionally use foul language. We had two or three fights that drained me of energy.
Nevertheless, by the time he picked me from the airport at home in November, he had gotten everything planned for our near future. We were going to spend the winter holidays together, maybe go skiing in Austria in February, visit Portugal in summer and, if all went well, buy a piece of land and build a house together.
His kisses, hugs and physical closeness felt terrific yet I felt as I was caught in a whirlwind, disconnected from my true self.
A week after my arrival, one disagreement and one new moon release ritual later, he was out of my life, no explanation or goodbye, as if he never existed.
A toothbrush, two USB sticks, and one jar of apricot jam stayed behind as silent witnesses of our deceased love story.
For almost a month, I was heartbroken.
My few attempts at getting at least closure from him led nowhere.
You can’t imagine the scenarios and questions that kept spinning in my head.
Did he really love me? And if he didn’t, why did he spend so much time waiting for me?
Maybe it was just a phase. Maybe he got cold feet or didn’t want to get hurt.
Maybe I was too much for him to handle. Perhaps he lacked the courage to call me after ghosting me, like a coward.
Perhaps I should have played harder to get.
Or not make a fuss over the fact that he had forgotten to bring me flowers for my name day.
On December 23, I messaged him on Facebook: Do you believe that Santa Claus still fulfills wishes?
He never replied.
When Christmas arrived, I decided to let him go for good. And I did. I didn’t block him on Facebook, or on my phone. I just decided that I didn’t need him to come up with an explanation and free me up to regain control over my life and heart.
As Abraham says, the people and situations in our life bring us either clarity or joy.
After the sorrow clouds started to dissipate, the post-traumatic clarity is the best moment where you can set six life-changing intentions for love and for yourself.
1. Set an intention to see the lesson instead of putting you down
The people in our life who push our buttons the hardest are a reflection of parts of us that are in the blind spot. Where did I fail to show up for myself? What was I running from? What part of did I was reject?
2. Set an intention to trust the Universe
During the Full Moon ritual I performed on December 4, I asked the Universe to remove from my life the people and situations that I no longer needed.
A couple of days later, he was gone. I had to accept that the Universe had someone better in store for me and that my ex-wasn’t part of my destiny.
3. Set an intention not to chase anyone or anything ever again.
Align with your heart’s desires so that people and circumstances flow into your life with ease and grace. It’s a lesson you believe you’ve mastered before but you always find yourself in a similar situation until you learn the lesson.
4. Set an intention to never overlook your intuition and the early red flags ever again.
I had never been able to completely trust my ex. He had a hidden face, same as the moon. He would also get angry quickly, be judgmental, say that his ex-girlfriend was crazy, and try to make me look crazy whenever he was in the wrong. My intuition also told me that had my beauty be gone overnight he would be gone, too.
5. Set an intention to heal your old wounds and let go of limiting beliefs.
The problem wasn’t him or the other men in my life, but my fear of intimacy and commitment combined with the beliefs that all men eventually failed women and I always ended up failing men.
6. Set an intention that you are worthy of having it all, and you don’t have to settle.
I deserved someone who would not only hold me tight at night but would also bring me flowers for special occasions and spoil me for no particular reason. Who would love me for who I am, just as I am.
After our forced breakup, my girlfriends told me he would come back at some point. So far, he didn’t, and I doubt he will. The reason why is that, as one of my girlfriends told me the other day, I changed something within myself.
When breakup and heartache knock at your door, don’t suffer.
Take a little time to mourn the loss of the person then be grateful for getting more clarity in your life.
Set intentions on learning the lesson, love yourself more, make decisions, and act upon them.
And not even for a second lose faith that the right one for you will show up.
Shine your beautiful light brightly so that they can see it and start their journey to you.
I guarantee you that when you finally meet and look into each other’s eyes, you will recognize each other instantly.
Are you willing to wait and use this time to become the magnificent version of yourself are or keep the place occupied and fail the test again and again?
A.G. Billig believes that love is your natural state of being. Since fear and love cannot coexist in one heart, her mission is to empower you to overcome your fears and attract the life you want with love. Pick up her Amazon best seller “I CHOOSE LOVE!” here and learn more about her work at www.agbillig.com.
You may want a new relationship and a life partner yet you’re likely doing a couple things that sabotage your chances of being in a relationship.
This is something that you’re likely doing subconsciously so although you’re physically doing all the things to land a relationship, your mind and mindset are doing you a disservice.
Watch the video above to learn more about how you’re sabotaging yourself in relationships and learn what you can do instead.
To find a committed relationship, learn more in my book Does True Love Exist here.
It is something I have to say when people ask, “Are you married?”
If I say, “No, I am not”, pat comes the next question, “Why?”
The responses to “I am divorced” are as follows:
Oh you poor thing!
You are good-looking, so why?
Some other woman?
A squint of the eye, fierceness of the face, stiffening of muscles
In-the-air statement, “These days everyone divorces. Young people don’t have patience.”
Doesn’t matter. You will find someone.
The worse is when I remove the “am” and say, “I divorced.”
The act and the identity chases you wherever you go, whatever you do.
From sitting in a restaurant alone to moving furniture to a social gathering or a professional networking event.
You are first a woman, then divorced, then the rest of ‘who you are’ follows, shadowed and contaminated by the impressions of the first two descriptors.
In ceremonies, you sense it more intensely. Haldi-kumkum, Varalakshmi nombh, Sindoor-khela are rituals which privilege the married woman.
You are either skipped from such ceremonies or women move around unsure and uncomfortably around you. In key wedding and pre-wedding ceremonies, I am kept at a distance. I am present as a distant guest.
In short, there is direct and indirect shaming and exclusion. You are also pitied, patronised and matronised, and judged without having said a word.
What do you do? In Hindu marriage rituals, there are seven steps a couple takes.
Here are seven steps, you as a divorced woman, can take to navigate Indian social norms:
1. Take Back Power
We spend a lot of mind energy either trying to convince others to see our whole selves or resisting their judgment. The reason we do so is because we give their words and actions power. We give their worldviews legitimacy. Don’t.
Understand what others say emerge from their specific lifeworlds.
Those are the meanings they have made of relationships.
If you find someone open to a dialogue, then speak about your point of view. Else ignore.
Don’t waste your energies debating to a closed mind. And don’t waste energies giving them power.
The fact is you are divorced. You know why. You know how. You know who you are.
Anchored in your understanding of yourself and your lifeworld, ignore others and move on.
2. Disengage and Heal
Sometimes we are hurt by words and actions. We are hurt because we allow ourselves to be hurt.
Believe you can choose to be happy at any moment. Disengage from the words, examine within yourself what limiting beliefs were triggered and work on healing it.
If there is a person who deliberately and is consistently nasty to you, choose to avoid or cut off that person from your life.
Is any of this easy work?
Yes and no.
It is very easy once you decide to direct your attention to something else. It is tough until then because at some level, feeling hurt is also an addiction.
You have to be firm with yourself.
3. Reframe
Reframe what life, love, relationships mean to you.
Marriage is a powerful and oppressive social concept.
Our upbringing and socialization has conditioned us to believe that marriage is a defining feature of a successful life.
If you buy into this belief, you will feel the shame and agony of being outside it.
However, if you challenge it, then you live joyously and proudly.
You can reframe easily if you can stop craving to be acknowledged and affirmed by others. If mentally you are anchored to your own self, the meanings we give to existing social structures naturally peel off.
4. Engage Differently
Choose who and where you want to be.
You don’t need to hang out with friends or relatives who treat you poorly.
Untie yourself from those social chains and create new communities of being. It may feel uncomfortable momentarily but later you will sense relief.
The world will open out.
Create your own version of what is family and if it should mean anything profound.
If it doesn’t work for you, then it doesn’t. Walk away.
Don’t attend weddings if you don’t like to. Or attend them for other reasons.
I attend to sample food and I hardly ever give any gifts.
Attend to wear your pretty clothes, if you like to.
You are not obligated to do anything for anyone.
5. Resist Differently
Instead of reacting to social customs or social conversations, choose your time, place and process to resist.
Resist in a way the Universe of these customs change, resist to make a broad impact, resist to reach and include others in similar situations.
Create your own rituals which include women irrespective of marital status. Celebrate them openly. Write about them. Share information about them. Write about specific issues facing divorced women — analyse, challenge, reframe, provide alternatives.
I created a Divorce Ceremony, performed and then wrote about it. It helped many other women.
Define your milestones and celebrate them. I celebrate Whole Woman anniversary every year which marks the date I decided to prioritize myself and sought to be Whole.
Become the hub for other women to find community and solidarity. Become a champion
6. Redefine Identity
You decide who you are. If you don’t want to be defined by your marital status, then don’t be.
I insist people address me as Dr. Bhavana and not Ms/Mrs Bhavana.
Or address me as Bhavana without any prefixes.
If you want to challenge social categories, then define yourself in strategically new ways.
I call myself the Earthwoman and the Lightweaver.
I emphasize it in different ways so that I am identified as I want to be.
Who are you and who do you want to be?
Assert this in public space. Embrace this in private space.
7. Engage in Positive Self-talk
Become your own cheerleader.
Affirm yourself as you successfully navigate one more “are you married?” conversation.
Pat yourself in the back if you survive a wedding or religious ceremony.
Cheer yourself as you succeed in resisting and challenging effectively.
Be your best friend, your deepest love, your own partner. Stand by yourself.
Avoid pitying yourself. I know the journey has been hard and I can assure no easy future either.
However, it doesn’t help your case to be in pain.
At some point, you have to stir and emerge.
Make that point Now.
You are the only one who can pull yourself out of it, let go of hurts and forge ahead.
The easiest way to do it is change focus on what is going well in your life.
The word “gratitude” can sometimes feel like an obligation, a commitment to someone or something else.
Be easy on yourself.
Keep it simple.
Focus on what you enjoy, what is working, what your strengths are and watch how the brain resets. The reset may take few minutes to a day. You will turn around.
I started the post with the words “I am divorced.”
I will close it thus: I AM.
Bhavana Nissima is known as the lightweaver for her abilities to weave ideas, places, people and objects. You can find her writings at the Earthwoman blog. Sign up here for her rich and deep posts about women’s rights and empowerment.
I help people overcome their devastating breakups and divorces and find love again. Instead of visiting the Himalayas, sign up below and join me. I am taking a writing break but will be back soon.
This guide is free. A ticket to the Himalayas is $2000. Your move.
A.G. Billig believes that love is your natural state of being. Since fear and love cannot coexist in one heart, her mission is to empower you to overcome your fears and attract the life you want with love. Pick up her Amazon best seller 
