“There’s no greater battle in life than the battle between the parts of you that want to be healed and the parts of you that are comfortable and content being broken.” Iyanla Vanzant
We had a phone conversation 3 years ago.
At the time, I was thinking she was the nicest and sweetest person I had spoken to.
Yet after one phone call, I went against my intuition, and thought this would be too complicated.
She too lived half way across the world.
It would be so hard to get to know each other.
It would take forever for her to move here.
It would blah blah blah
So I left it at that and went back into my happy world of trying to understand heartbreak, learn how to overcome breakups and learn the steps of letting go.
Little did I realize that it were these very things that was heartbreak and not being able to let go that was keeping my stuck in my own life of dating and meeting new people.
While I was learning about letting go and trying to actively let go of the past, I also found that being stuck in the past does nothing for your love life.
In fact, you could meet the right person and you wouldn’t be interested or care because you’re still caught up with your ex.
You’re still wanting the old relationship to work.
You’re still blaming yourself for what you did.
You’re still hoping the old person comes back into my life.
3 years ago, this was where I was at.
Fast forward to 2019 (the year I wrote The Sacred Art of Letting Go) and this wonderful person who I met is coming to meet me.
We’ve been talking since the new year and I’m curious as to how this visit is going to go.
She’s a simple and spiritual person which in the Indian world of meeting people is a rarity.
She works in helping children in poverty get educated.
I’m wondering how someone so right for me could have fallen off my radar?
And it’s as simple as this.
When you’re stuck in the past, you’re wearing lenses that make you look at everything in the present as something in the past.
You view everything today from a perspective of what happened before.
You lose interest in today or tomorrow because of this weight that is holding you back.
The problem of trying to meet new people when you’re stuck in the past is that the new people and the right people for you may seem like the wrong people for you!
You’re so blinded by the lenses of the past that you can’t see things as they are.
I have no idea where this is going but I can tell you this.
The relationship you want and the person you want might be around you and might be closer than you think but if you can’t let go of the past, your view of relationships might be skewed.
You won’t be able to find the very person you’re looking for if you’re stuck in the past.
The solution?
Do the work.
Walk through the 12 steps of letting go.
Yes, I have a book on the topic 🙂
Practice actively letting go each and every day.
Similar to grief, not letting go means unprocessed emotions and holding onto something that once was.
The longer you hold onto what was, the heavier it weighs you down in life.
You can’t be open to what can be when you haven’t let go of what once was.
I’ll let you know how things are unfolding on my end.
Where are you in the process of letting go? Hit reply on email or sign up for the blog to join me on my journey from heartbreak to love.
I’m sad to confess my favorite song of all time is a song about being stuck in the past, called Nobody Knows.
I’m even sadder that nobody knows of this song.
It was a song that I played over and over and over in my life before I ever felt a pang of heartbreak.
It’s a song by a profoundly sad Tony Rich (at least I like to think so) regretting his broken love for a woman that he regrets not having in his life. He sings about how nobody knows the pain of his breakup except him.
You can watch the song here to know the depth of his pain and know what kind of a weirdo I am.
You might find this weird only because I had listened to this song thousands of times in college. It was the one song on repeat. The one song I played over and over and over again.
I listened to this song while I was up at night studying for finals. I listened to this song while I was sleeping. While I ate. While I talked about the meaning of life with my roomie James. What was even odder was that this was his go-to song as well.
Yet this post isn’t about what two single college-aged men were doing sitting around listening to a profoundly sad love song by another sad man.
Instead, it’s about putting something on repeat and listening to it over and over again.
You hear something, you like something and you choose that repeatedly instead of turning off the song and listening to something else.
Unfortunately, I came to find out a few years later in my life, as someone who was going through a divorce that I also tended to do this in another area of my life.
Since the marriage was over and the relationship no long existed, I fell into this sweet longing and remembrance of the past marriage.
I stayed stuck for years by continuing to repeat what had happened in the previous marriage.
I also reflected on the sadness and pain of the heartbreak and I enjoyed being in that place.
See, a powerful habit forms when we go through heartbreak that keeps us stuck.
You have these negative painful feelings of the past that over time become familiar and comfortable.
You become attached to the these feelings in the past and continue to ruminate on them.
Becoming familiar, comfortable and used to the pain of heartbreak can keep you stuck for months and years.
Holding onto past pain can keep you stuck and stop you from letting of the past relationship.
Pain can actually become addictive if it makes you feel good because it is a known and familiar feeling.
The habit of ruminating on past pain can become a habit that keeps you stuck for years.
You just want to hold on to this thing that is unpleasant (pain) but also feels good (familiar and known pain).
You feel connection and familiarity.
You feel familiar emotions.
You put it on repeat, turn it into a habit and become stuck in this place for years of your life.
The solution out is to acknowledge that this is in fact what your mind is doing.
To let go of the past, you have to be willing to let go of the known and the familiar.
Once you realize that you keep going back and taking comfort in the pain of the past, it’s time to break this habit.
To release the addictive habit of holding on to the past pain:
1) Acknowledge that your mind is replaying the past repeatedly.
2) Pin-point the thoughts that are creating these addictive feelings of pain and sorrow in your life.
3) Get clear on the underlying story about your past relationship that you’re telling yourself.
4) Work on changing the story you’re telling yourself about the past relationship.
5) Re-frame the past or generate new thoughts about the past that are healthier for you and cultivate more positive feelings.
6) Practice immersing yourself in new and unfamiliar feelings of peace and happiness.
If you’re addicted to past hurtful feelings, you might have no idea what healthier emotions and feelings may feel like.
I’m suggesting you try those on ahead of time, feel those feelings even if you’re not quite there yet.
If you’re good at feeling bad feelings of the past, it was because you’ve practiced it for years.
If you want to break free and move on from years of feeling bad and feeling stuck, try on a new set of feelings. Explore, experiment and try out something you’re not used to.
If you need some support in letting go and working through the insurmountable negativity of the past, I’d be happy to support you in this process.
If you’re tired of living in the past and feeling stuck in the past, check out my Awaking coaching sessions or Letting Go coaching sessions.
Hi, I’m Vishnu
I help people overcome their devastating breakups and divorces and find love again. Instead of visiting the Himalayas, sign up below and join me. I am taking a writing break but will be back soon.
This guide is free. A ticket to the Himalayas is $2000. Your move.
