Weekly messages to help you start over in life
You may believe that your mind is in charge of your life and all your thoughts are to serve your highest interest. Wrong.
Check out this video to challenge your assumptions about thoughts and to question the very thoughts running through your mind.
If you only stopped believing every thought you thought…
“For hatred does not cease by hatred at any time: hatred ceases by love. This is an unalterable law.” Eknath Easwaran
How do you go about finding peace after divorce?
For some time after my marriage, I believed that my ex was intentionally hurting me.
By giving up on our marriage, she was disrupting our lives, the lives of our family members and our close-knit Indian community at large.
I thought the very idea of divorce would hurt all the people we knew – including ourselves.
In your case, your ex could have intentionally hurt you when your relationship ended.
Your ex could have fallen in love with someone else and suggested a divorce so he could move to Portugal to be with the 25-year-old woman of his dreams.
Or, after a 20-year marriage and two kids, your husband could have told you he’s having a baby with his mistress.
Or your ex could have used her support payments – which came from your hard-earned dollars – to create the life of her dreams, travel the world, brainwash your children and make you look like the bad guy.
Your ex could be making your life a living hell, making you question your sanity and filling you with burning anger and resentment.
Your ex may make you want to do what Adnan did to Hae Lee in the Serial podcast (Season 1) and bury the body in Leakin Park.
During this trying time in your life, I believe you have two choices in how your respond to your ex’s behavior.
You can choose to be the victim of your ex’s life and choices or you can go about finding peace after divorce.
Your marriage may have ended and you may have lost your spouse but you don’t have to lose your peace after divorce too.
As much as you want to get revenge on your ex and cause them great harm, you are simply creating more problems for yourself. Tormenting your ex will require you to spend more mental and emotional energy fighting with him. Hatred and anger is a losing situation.
Only your forgiveness and the ability to see your ex through a new set of eyes will change your ex. Only your changing your energy will change your ex’s energy. Only letting go of anger and hatred will give you back your life.
If you’re stuck in anger and committed to payback, you’ll spend your time, energy, lawyer’s fees and sanity on a losing battle. Resentment and revenge are losing battles no matter how sweet they may feel at the moment.
The courage to forgive will set you mentally free to live your life and key to finding peace after divorce.
Another way for finding peace is to stop personalizing your ex’s actions.
Whether you believe it or not, your ex isn’t directing everything he or she is doing at you.
Your ex’s decisions may not be wise, productive, or in his best interests, but your ex probably isn’t making these decisions specifically to spite you.
If you are the target of your ex’s anger and vitriol, you must engage in even more understanding and forgiveness.
Remind yourself that you are not responsible for your ex’s behavior. Insecurity, fear, anger and mean-spiritedness may fuel your ex’s actions, but you don’t have to take them personally and you don’t have to believe you caused them.
For finding peace after divorce, you don’t have to blame yourself for what this person is choosing to do.
In addition to forgiving your ex, spend some time healing your heart, feeling more compassion for yourself and searching for gratitude.
If you feel compassion for yourself, the fuel of resentment will cool. The fire of hatred will abate a bit. You will hold yourself less responsible for your ex’s actions. You will stop blaming yourself.
Start treating yourself like you would someone you loved – without judgment and with much understanding.
When you meditate on gratitude, you can’t focus on reciprocating pain or being angry at your ex.
Throughout your marriage, you might have enjoyed this tit-for-tat behavior that caused both of your pain.
Yet in your post-marriage life, you may want to create another kind of relationship with yourself and with your ex.
You might consider taking the high road for the sake of mental sanity and finding peace after divorce.
The high road means doing the just and fair thing. It’s letting go of the minor and the petty. It’s ignoring the trivial and not letting insulting words or actions get the best of you.
It’s reminding yourself that you’re the better person and that you can walk the high road even if your ex can’t.
The high road will help you move on while your ex swims in the deep waters of hatred.
If you can’t do it for yourself, go about finding peace after divorce for your kids.
How you treat your ex will affect how your children view interpersonal relationships, their parents and their future partners.
If you want to make the greatest contribution to your children’s mental and emotional sanity, show them how to forgive, let go, and treat each other respectfully.
Your children have already gone through something traumatic. To allow your separation to hurt them, even more, isn’t fair.
Your job as a role model and a person will have a longer-lasting effect on your kids than anything you teach or share. Your behavior and attitude towards their other parent will be what matters most to them later in life.
Do it for your kids because they’re watching.
If you get caught up in your ex’s life and what your ex is doing, you’ll be angry often and bitter even more.
For good or bad, you are both out of this marriage.
No point crying over spilt milk, who won “The Bachelorette” this season or who’s in the White House. No, actually, we do need to cry about that, but you don’t need to cry about your marriage any longer.
You don’t need to look towards your ex’s life, your ex’s words or your ex’s actions to determine your own happiness. You don’t need to compare yourself to your ex’s life determine what is meaningful and fulfilling.
No reason to compare, judge or experience irritation over the life your ex is living.
If your ex is traveling the world and living it up, good for him.
If she moved to Italy and is dating the prime minister, good for her.
If he’s getting married two weeks after the divorce papers are finalized, good riddance!
You need to return to yourself.
This is no longer a partnership.
You are no longer filing jointly.
Your happiness, your life’s meaning, your taxes and even your peace after divorce are your responsibility.
Yes, it’s harder this way but adjusting to this new reality gets easier with time.
This all brings me to the fact that you are the only person responsible for your life.
As my friend and fellow author, Andreea, mentioned to me, the waves may be high and dangerous but you’re still in command of your boat.
You have control only over your own life.
You can’t do anything about what your ex does or who she does it with.
You have little say over whom your ex spends his money on or how much younger she is.
You are both done being a part of each other’s lives.
You can allow the divorce to end the relationship you once had and then learn to create a new relationship. This is the renewed relationship of two new single people or two new single parents.
Moving forward requires that you accept your divorce, make peace after divorce, and choose to move forward under new circumstances.
You’re the captain of this boat; you can choose the direction you want to go and you can pick up new people along the way.
It’s time to say au revoir to your divorce and demanding ex and aloha to the new life and relationships that await.
The oars to peace after divorce are in your hands.
If you want to know how to find peace after divorce, check out my book on finding peace after divorce, The Sacred Art of Letting Go. (affiliate link)
You hear that your ex has gotten married.
Your friends have received the wedding invitation.
Your friend’s Mom, a year later, insists on telling you that your ex is now a proud father of a little human.
Things can’t get any worse, can they?
Your ex is living their life and continuing like it’s normal.
You’re replaying old Adele songs, become a closeted alcoholic, watching endless episodes of Revenge Body with Chloe Kardashian.
What gives?
I know in my own life that my ex is likely doing better than ever.
Since the time of our marriage and struggles of being a young couple starting on our professional careers, she’s completed a fellowship, become a doctor, bought a home and travels the world.
What gives?
How do you come to terms with your ex’s success and let go of what was?
I’ve made peace with my ex’s success and here’s how you can too. These are all reminders to help you shift your mindset and reframe the situation.
Only when you let go of what was, can you move on to what can be.
You were part of your ex’s journey. He wouldn’t have gotten to where he is today without you. He ended up in the relationship that he’s in because of you. He ended up in the career that he’s in, partly because of you. He ended up in the good place that life has taken him due to your making. No things didn’t work out between you two, but your relationship bore fruit in his success.
Yay, for ex’s succeeding. You don’t seem excited or amused but here’s the deal.
Your ex’s success means you succeeded! You were part of the growth journey for your ex, right?
You walked with them for part of the path and thanks to you, they are where they are today.
You may be bitter about it or jealous about their success but you should also feel pride in their accomplishments.
They’re not succeeding because of you.
They ARE succeeding because of you.
Yay, you!
You were your ex’s life coach.
Sometimes, lovers motivate and inspire each other to turn their life around.
And other times, ex’s motivate each other to turn their lives around.
You were your ex’s life coach in one of two ways. You either helped them get their act together while you were together and helped them up their game. You helped them improve who they were and become a better version of themselves. Or your helped them up their game after your relationship. You helped them become a better person, set better goals and live to their full potential.
Now, how about just life coaching your way to success, love and happiness, huh?
You were both each other’s teachers.
Professor You!
Who would have thought you were responsible for leading and teaching someone else along their path?
We are each other’s spiritual teachers, maybe even guru’s.
You weren’t just a life coach but your ex either got better, improved their life or turned things around because of you.
They learned from you; either how to be more like you or how not to be anything like you.
Either how to be the person they were or how to become an entirely new person.
You likely helped them improve in their relationships, in their marriage and in their life!
Not every teacher is thanked or shown appreciation, as you know but deserve all the thanks and appreciation from your ex.
They don’t have to show it or express it.
Your ex’s success is all the appreciate and gratitude that needs to be shown.
Your ex won so you won.
You led the way and lit the path of learning.
Your ex can help guide you on how to move on.
You’re your ex’s professor emeritus.
Your ex can also help teach and guide you.
Your ex can help you see the light on ….how to move on!
The roaring success that your ex is having with life after you should inspire you and help you move forward.
Look at the changes your ex made.
Look at the decisions your ex took.
Look at the risks they took and the challenges your ex overcame.
Their path is likely as rocky as yours. You may no longer be in touch or care what your ex is doing but use their experience to guide you on your path.
Yes, if they can move on, you can move on.
Your life is a journey filled with beginnings on endings.
In the old days, you fell in love, got married and lived happily ever after.
If you were 25 and older, per Liz Gilbert’s book Committed, A Love Story, you likely remained married. Yeah, she says that age was the most critical factor on the success of marriages. 25 and up, high likelihood of staying married. Below 25 and marriage, your likelihood of a committed marriage fell below 20%.
Anyway, in life, yours and even Liz Gilbert’s, relationships start and end. They start again and end again.
We are no longer in the olden days.
We can no longer live up to the expecations of Bollywood movies, mythology, Disney stories and every other fictional account of relationships.
Yes, a long term relationship is what you should want but it’s not for everyone and it’s not always possible.
People change.
Relationships change.
You change.
If you open your eyes to the belief that relationships come and go, it will be much easier to digest your past and your ex.
Also, remember this.
The more relationships you go through, the better you get at relationships.
The better you get at selecting the right person who you could end up with in a long-term relationship.
Your ex is your guide. Your ex is your teacher. Your ex is your experience.
Open yourself to relationships ending so your heart can open again.
You have to find success and happiness on your own terms.
Don’t let your ex be the model for success and happiness.
Look at their path for how he found his success and happiness but don’t let his path be your path.
You don’t have to copy-cat your ex’s life.
Your happiness and success does not have to be like everyone else’s.
Yes, you may want a relationship, kids and family but….
There can also be happiness and fulfillment without all that.
Your job, your new home, your good career and your friends may more than make up for what others are going through.
Among married couples, I’ve often thought to myself, am I the happiest person here?
And often, I realize, why yes I am! I am the happiest person here.
I enjoy my freedom, my work, my writing, helping people, traveling and did I say, writing.
I enjoy having less to worry about and the ability do life at my own whim.
I’d like someone in my life but I’m just find without one.
You could say I’ve found happiness.
The Buddha might even say I’ve found enlightenment.
Society has a lot of dumb rules. You don’t have to play by them. Check out my book 7 Sacred Promises to learn more.
She was demure in her speech, experienced in matters of the heart and open to dating again.
It was enough for us to continue conversing over the holidays.
She too had experienced deep and profound heartbreak that made her lose faith in relationships. She too hadn’t dated in years and had lost faith in love.
She told me that she was “over it” and was ready to move forward. The past few years, her family had listed her dating profile had corresponded on her behalf.
It hadn’t gone anywhere and she was ready to take back the reigns of her dating life.
Our connection started with heartbreak and ended with us both knowing that our families only lived 10 minutes apart from each other in Singapore. We bonded.
So began my most recent dating adventure.
How did I find myself here? How did I pull in someone who was highly compatible?
Let me count the ways.
It took me a minute (and by that, I mean years) to find someone who I was looking for.
Here’s what I did:
1. Yes, visualize. I had an idea of who it is I was looking for in a couple different ways. I had the qualities up on a vision board (cheesy, I know) and I had regularly been thinking about this question in the past. This is over the top but I created this worksheet that I filled out every so often. You can use it too. Print and fill this out so you too know who it is you’re looking for:
https://www.vishnusvirtues.com/manifest-a-beautiful-lover/
How can you materialize the person you want when you have no idea who that is. This worksheet will help you think through some of the qualities in the person you want.
When she asked me who it is I was looking for, I started saying a bunch of qualities on this sheet and realized that she matched every one of them.
2. Yes, value-ize. I just have to throw this out there. You can be compatible in many different ways but none of it matters as much as values.
As I got to know this East Coast woman, I verified our values by inquiring about hers. It was only upon realization that many of our values met that I realized this could be a real possibility.
Personal interests and hobbies don’t need to match as much. She loved television and I loved to write. We just figured I’d write while she watched tv although I did catch an episode of Stranger Things with her. Strange.
Anyway, check the values that the other person has. Talk to them about what they value in life. What qualities and characteristics are important to them.
Values are a critical component of the life coaching world. I just bring up these conversations in every area of my life!
3. Open your heart. I’ve been working on this for years. I’ve had to let go of the past and all the anger and resentment of the past. I’ve had to let go of the beliefs and pain of the past.
If your heart’s been bruised, you have to let down the walls that are protecting your heart.
The practices to do so are spiritual and emotional in nature.
You have to invite love and compassion into your heart.
You have to let go of resentment and anger from your heart.
Be a magnet for love and compassion. Be conscious of the state of your heart.
You feel gratitude in your heart.
You can feel happiness in your heart.
You can feel joy in your heart.
Many types of spiritual practices can help you open your heart.
Therapy and the ancient texts of almost any religions can help you rid your heart of the anger and resentment.
4. Open your mind.
I don’t know what about meditation helps so much but it does.
A regular meditation practice either focused on your mind or on your heart allows for your thoughts and feelings to simmer.
When you’re in a place of calmness and consciousness, it makes love easier to come into your life.
When your mind isn’t on overdrive and overthinking how to attract someone, someone gets attracted to you.
Don’t be consumed with drawing in a lover. Even worse, don’t consume your time thinking about how this person should be and what the time-frame of this new relationship will be. Don’t plan the wedding on the second date.
Yes, visualize but then let go.
Let the process take it’s path naturally.
5. Take chances
If you’ve had your heart-broken and found yourself in a place of profound sadness, you’re really not going to want to do this.
Do what?
This process!
I can tell you that every step of the way was a challenge for me. I was trying to get out of this in every way I could.
I was trying to consider what couldn’t work and what didn’t work.
I was looking for ways to end things quick; searching for reasons why this wouldn’t work and why we weren’t compatible.
Her love of Ayn Rand made me run for the hills but I didn’t. I stayed put.
You basically have to take risks, take chances and do the opposite.
You have to push ahead despite your old fears, beliefs and experiences of your past.
It’s hard but this is what it’s going to take.
You might feel like you’ve been part of this movie before and it’s going to end tragically but as you know, not every movie ends the same.
You can’t watch one movie and assume all have the same ending.
Forget ahead creating a new movie for yourself. There are new people, new parts, new characters and new experiences to be had.
The happiness and love you want is waiting for you.
You just have to move ahead despite yourself, your beliefs and your past.
There are a million reasons for you to leave, as Lady Gaga, would say.
Look for the one reason to stay.
Want to learn more about finding someone and attracting them into your life? Pick up my latest book, Does True Love Exist, on Amazon today.
You may want a new relationship and a life partner yet you’re likely doing a couple things that sabotage your chances of being in a relationship.
This is something that you’re likely doing subconsciously so although you’re physically doing all the things to land a relationship, your mind and mindset are doing you a disservice.
Watch the video above to learn more about how you’re sabotaging yourself in relationships and learn what you can do instead.
To find a committed relationship, learn more in my book Does True Love Exist here.
