I was embarassed at how I easily became someone’s personal doormat.
I was 18 years old, and my mom’s friend had a 15 year-old daughter. My well-intentioned mom was pushing me to be this girl’s friend. I had told my mom that I didn’t have a good gut feeling about this girl. Of course, I was told that I needed more good Indian female friends. Like how some doormats may act, I ignored my intuition and felt like I had to just give in.
Little did my mom and this girl’s mom know, I was being used to help this girl see boys behind her parents’ backs.
My friend came from a strict Indian-American family. She would tell me how her parents treated her badly and how they wouldn’t let her do anything.
One of the traits of a doormat is that you start to feel guilty when you hear people’s pain. My guilt led me to give in to my friend’s eager requests. I ended up driving my friend around to go on dates with random boys. She used my cell phone to contact boys. She used my AOL screen names. She instructed me to make up lies to my parents about what we were doing. I had even gotten into a car accident, when she begged me to help her see a boy that she met online.
You might be thinking, “Why did you agree to all of that?” At 33, I’m thinking the same thing. Back then, I felt obligated to put other people’s feelings and needs above mine. When I was told what to do, there were times where I blindly did things to keep the peace.
One day, my mom and this girl’s mom found out about her secret escapades. Guess who got thrown under the bus? Me. To add insult to injury, this girl told the other Indian-American teenagers how I ruined her life. I thought, “I bended over backwards to help this girl feel happy. And, this is what I get?”
Toddlers can easily say no.
Why is it difficult for us adults to say a simple two-letter word?
Well, humans want to be liked by others and would rather avoid conflict. But, there’s one problem.
When we struggle to say no to others, we invite other people to walk all over us. If we are trying so hard to make someone else happy, our emotional well-being gets neglected. We may start to feel drained, resentful, and discarded by the person that we are bending over backwards for.
My story might help you recognize yourself in your own personal relationships. Are you more focused on the other person’s happiness, where you end up neglecting your own? Do you become involved in romantic relationships that are one-sided? When we bend over backwards for others, we think that we’re winning. As you can see in my story, you end up losing on both ends. I didn’t get the approval that I craved. I didn’t get people to like me more. I didn’t look like a hero. The negative consequences of my story could have been avoided, if I just learned how to say NO.
If you struggle with saying no and are getting taken advantage of, here’s what to keep in mind.
Here are 5 steps to stop being a doormat in your relationships:
Know that YOU matter. Unfortunately, you may have grown up in an environment where you were never told this. Doormats don’t always realize what they’re doing, because they may not know any other way of being. But, it’s never too late to acknowledge your self-worth, your opinions, your feelings and what your priorities are. When you say yes to someone all of the time, you’re sending the message that you don’t matter.
Check in with how you feel, before you say yes to something. Doormats may be too preoccupied with how other people feel, where they forget to listen to themselves. You may say yes to something, and then realize that you shouldn’t have done that. It’s okay to ask yourself, “Is this something that I genuinely want to do? Will this honor me?”
You can still say no, while being kind and compassionate. Doormats think that saying no is going to make them look selfish and mean. They may feel that saying no means that you have to be aggressive. You will not lose your gentle demeanor, just because you tell people no.
You’re going to realize who your true friends are. Doormats are scared of people getting angry at them. The harsh reality is that some people WILL get mad at you for saying no. Guess what? These people weren’t your real friends to begin with. Let the wrong people walk away, and allow the right people to come into your life. You might be pleasantly surprised at learning that there are positive people that will respect your boundaries and preferences exist.
Lastly, be gentle with yourself. You may not become the queen or king of assertiveness overnight. And, that’s okay. There may be days where you make mistakes and slip up with your boundaries. The more you practice at honoring yourself, the easier it gets.
When you start taking care of yourself, it’s a lot easier to take care of others.
When you start valuing yourself, you will attract others in your life that value you.
* Rupali Grover is a licensed clinical professional counselor with 11 years of experience working with children, teenagers and adults. Her writing has also been featured on BrownGirl Magazine, Elephant Journal, Introvert Dear and Highly Sensitive Refuge.
“Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be.” Sonia Ricotti
It’s not easy to love again after heartbreak.
I know because heartbreak has been my divine teacher.
And it’s taken me a very long time to come to terms with my breakup, accept my divorce and let go (mentally) of the person who occupied so much of my life.
It’s close to four years now and I FINALLY feel ready to move on.
Ready to let love into my life again.
Ready to open myself up again.
How I got here
When my marriage ended abruptly, my life began unraveling for a couple reasons. One, I loved my ex-wife, and despite our many challenges together, I was hopeful as ever of a love that would heal, transform and reignite. I felt it was only a matter of time before our differences would darken and our hearts would shine.
Two, my life unraveled because I couldn’t accept such a drastic change in it. Maybe I took love and marriage for granted. Or maybe I had the old-school version of relationships stuck in my mind – that relationships lasted no matter how challenging or tumultuous they were. The only solution, I believed, was to stay together and keep trying. And in the meantime, we had to keep working through the kinks.
Although divorce was what I ultimately came to accept, it was after much kicking and screaming on my part.
I didn’t want to let go of someone who I had come to see as part of me. Despite our differences, I had always felt soulfully connected to her.
Naturally, when she left, my soul felt empty and my life felt broken.
I went from a state of shock and pain to sadness and loss.
Much of this is chronicled in this blog, and much of what I’ve written describes how to come back from such dark and tragic places in our lives.
For me, the process of healing and letting go has taken place at a snail’s pace.
Over the past few years, my mind continued to replay the ups and downs of our relationship. Of course, during periods of grieving, your mind can hardly remember the downs.
You mostly remember the good times, the happy times and the joyful times.
I remembered the laughs, dreams and hopes we shared.
And every city or restaurant we had visited together triggered a reaction in me.
Every current conversation or movie triggered conversations and chatter of the past.
I saw her name everywhere and heard her name everywhere, including in magazines, books and movies.
I was clinging and holding on for dear life to this lost love. I felt that losing her was losing myself. This dying relationship felt like my own mortality.
It was not easy, as you know, to pick up the pieces, get through each day and move on.
The path back to myself has been long and treacherous. The path back to love has been fraught with tears, sorrow and sadness.
The path to moving on has required that I find the courage to let go of the past, accept the present and step into who I am today. The path to myself required that I put myself together after being completely broken.
It’s required that I stand up and step into my soul + my life.
If you have gotten out of a soul-crushing, life-crushing relationship and find yourself on the bathroom floor crying out to a God that doesn’t appear to exist, I bow to you and welcome you to join me on this journey to healing.
Your heart may be fractured, but your soul is about to emerge – stronger, more vibrant and more courageous than ever.
You may feel as though your breakup has shattered your life, but that doesn’t mean there’s no hope for living today.
To the contrary, if you go through this journey of healing you can find peace today, gratitude for what happened and joy in future possibilities.
Cracking open a fragile heart can unleash a timid soul.
You can become courageous again and be ready to open your soul to something new.
If you’re ready to let go and move on, let me take you through my own healing process.
9 ways to let go of your past relationship so that you can heal and open your heart to love again
1) Acceptance of what is.
For the longest time, I couldn’t accept heartbreak or divorce.
I had always believed our separation was temporary and that we would get back together one day.
Same with divorce. Even months and, I would say, years after the divorce, I thought there was hope for our relationship.
You might see this as positive thinking, delusion or denial.
See, heartbreak had caused so much personal pain that I just did not want to accept it as true. The divorce had caused so much emotional and family turmoil, I wished it would simply go away.
I was really fighting change and uncertainty – it was the first time in my life I felt like I had no control over a situation. So I tried to remain positive, visualizing and dreaming our relationship back together.
Of course, what I was really doing was denying this reality.
When you’re in denial about something in your life, you can’t move on.
When you refuse to accept uncertainty or events that are out of your control, you’re going to remain stuck.
If you’d like to move on from heartbreak, or anything really, surrender to the situation – let your life feel out of control for a bit. Trust that it will get better and that you’ll see light down the road, even if you’re in darkness now.
You may not know how to get out of the torture you’re feeling, but now there is a way out. It will come together as you go through the healing process.
Allow your intuition to shine the light and lead the way while healing.
Sometimes acceptance and surrender require simply standing back and not doing anything – not resisting or denying what you’re experiencing.
It’s acknowledging your situation as it is. It’s sitting with it and accepting it without an answer or action plan.
2) Showing up to grieve.
You don’t have to hide, deny, suppress or run from your emotions.
Allow them to unfold and wash over you.
Show up to grieve – face grief boldly and courageously.
There’s nothing to be ashamed of – you’re entitled to feel hurt, sad, angry, devastated or any other feelings you’re experiencing.
In my case, I felt an avalanche of emotions and feelings for a couple of years after the divorce. I didn’t make them go away or hide them.
Lots of tears, sleepless nights and therapy numbed the pain and helped me come to terms with loss.
Sharing the pain with others, although I didn’t do this much at first, definitely helped me carry the burden of the breakup’s pain.
Show up and face your grief.
There’s nothing to be ashamed of in feeling everything you’re feeling. It’s normal. It’s human. And again, if it’s overwhelming, reach out to your inner circle or professionals to help you deal with the emotional weight you’re carrying.
3) Taking responsibility
You can take on a bitter attitude your entire life and curse your no-good &$^&@#@ ex for the pain and heartache she caused or….
You can take responsibility for your part in the relationship.
For much of the earlier stages of my grief, I blamed my ex. She did this…or didn’t do this…Most thoughts concluded with the feeling that it was her fault and I was the innocent victim.
Of course, it’s never this way. Both sides in a relationship gone sour are at fault.
You don’t have to blame yourself for it, but instead accept responsibility for it.
And if you think there’s nothing at all wrong with you and it was all your ex’s fault, try to take a more objective view. If you still can’t, you may not be ready to move on.
I now realize that I was living unconsciously in my relationship. I’m not sure what I was thinking or who I was back then, but it wasn’t the person today who came out of that relationship.
I was living a life of ego, anger, unrealistic expectations, control and non-communication.
I can justify all these things in my life and blame these many character flaws on others (hi parents!), or I can choose not to and take responsibility for them.
Only when I began to realize what I had done wrong could I continue the healing process.
When I was dead-certain it was all my ex’s fault, I was stuck in my ego and my healing. I couldn’t move on until I took responsibility.
Once I started taking responsibility I could also stop playing the role of “victim.”
When you play the role of the “victim,” your view of the relationship and your steps forward are skewed.
When it’s all the other person’s fault and you feel like you did nothing wrong, you’re likely not being honest with yourself. And more importantly, you’re stopping yourself from moving on.
If you can’t admit that you had a part in how this relationship ended, you can’t go through the other steps of healing I describe below. You’re likely stuck on being “right” rather than choosing to move on.
The longer you choose the state of denial and blame, the longer it will take for you to heal.
4) Forgiving yourself.
Once you take responsibility for your part, be willing to forgive yourself.
The goal here isn’t to hold yourself up to some gold standard, criticize yourself or remind yourself how much you screwed up.
It’s to forgive yourself for acting and behaving in ways that were not healthy. You most likely didn’t know what you were doing and you’ve grown because of your unconscious behavior.
Once you realize it wasn’t healthy and you see your mistakes, you’ve given yourself the gifts of awareness, insight and growth.
When you forgive yourself and bathe yourself in compassion, you can let go of the hot coals of anger and resentment you’re carrying.
In order to forgive, you have to ignore what others have said to you about yourself and the internal story you’re telling about yourself.
If you feel blame and guilt, you have even more reason to forgive yourself.
You’re not perfect, you’re human.
Even if you broke up with the perfect person and it was all your fault, forgive yourself. You have learned, grown and become the person who can do better the next time.
5) Forgiveness and saying thank you.
Harder than forgiving yourself is forgiving your ex.
Actually, you not only need to forgive your ex, but everyone else you blame in the relationship – his friends, her family, your parents, her parents and anyone else you believe bears responsibility for the parting of ways.
Forgiving isn’t easy and you’re never going to reach the ideal place of forgiveness. Forgiving when it feels right won’t work because it will never feel right.
Forgiveness is a process – one that, if you’re to reap the benefits, requires your participation.
You forgive even if you don’t want to. It’s true what they say about forgiveness – ultimately, forgiving others is a way to let go of the resentment and anger within. You’re really forgiving for yourself.
Set an intention to forgive.
Then write a letter (which you don’t send) to your ex, forgiving him or her for all the person’s wrongs and hurtful actions toward you. Forgiving your ex for breaking your trust, breaking your heart, taking advantage of you.
Forgiveness is a miracle-inducing action that will allow the vibrancy of the pain you’re feeling to subside.
One of the first things I did in my journey to healing was to forgive my ex. I didn’t want to at the time, but I forgave anyway. And I continued forgiving her throughout the healing process.
After you begin your mission of forgiveness, you can truly heal by becoming grateful to this former person in your life.
Once you see how he or she transformed your life and improved your being, you can’t help but be grateful. Express that gratitude by writing or sending a silent wish to the person.
I am more grateful to my former wife today for our relationship.
Although our relationship was a struggle, it broke open the floodgates to conscious living, finding my truth and myself (even my purpose). It has led to my greatest personal development, character development and spiritual awareness.
This relationship broke my heart wide open so that I could see my soul and, today, live from this place.
I am thankful.
6) Bringing yourself back to the present.
When you have suffered a breakup and are trying to get over it, something that sabotages your recovery is living in the past – which I did a lot of.
As I’ve talked about, my resistance to change and my inability to accept life events made me want to go back and relive the glory days of our relationship.
I thought constantly about all the good times, the shared laughs, the highlights and the happy times. I longed for a time and day that no longer existed.
When you get in the habit of living in the past, though, the negative and painful times also pop into your mind.
Imagine living a life that has nothing to do with today. I was doing that for a couple of years; continually reliving the past because I felt safe there and took comfort in knowing that my future life could be like my past life.
I was being nostalgic and sentimental; I had a better sense of myself in the past.
Who was I, after all, without my ex and my past?
Letting go of past living is scary, but so essential to moving on.
Life is beautiful, rich and filled with so many lovely experiences. You can’t really experience the beauty of life if you’re not here at this moment.
Catch yourself going back to the past and become aware of your tendency to daydream about the good days.
Pay attention and create present moment awareness in your life.
Think of your past as a movie, with scenes flashing into your mind, but try to avoid jumping back into those scenes and reliving them.
You’ve already suffered enough. By not living in the present moment, you’re allowing your past relationship and your ex to repeatedly harm you.
Choose yourself. Choose today. Choose the present moment.
7) Soul lessons.Life lessons.
As you move forward, don’t forget the lessons of this relationship. And the lessons from life’s lowest point.
If you haven’t learned any lessons, don’t rob yourself of the opportunity to grow and gain more insight.
As you take responsibility for your part, what have you learned about yourself?
What do you need to change? What do you need to let go of? How do you live more in alignment with your true nature? How do you live a more authentic life? How do you connect and relate to other people? How can you communicate better?
Ask yourself these questions and get curious about how to make improvements in your life and future relationships.
Life has taught you a heavy but invaluable lesson. Do life and your former relationship justice by walking away from it with wisdom.
Ask yourself what the relationship was here to teach you and glean the answers from this question.
8) Cultivate compassion and love.
As you come back to the world of new relationships and new possibilities, cultivate more compassion and love in your life. First, for yourself.
Learn to have a passionate affair with yourself (I wrote this manifesto about how to do so) so that you’re embracing your darkest parts and your wounds.
Don’t beat yourself up over what happened. Treat yourself as you would your gentlest and kindest friend.
Allow love to infuse the thoughts, emotions and feelings in your life.
Establish a spiritual practice to help you generate love from your internal being.
From your inner core, imagine love spreading outward toward others. Imagine love from within expanding from you to the entire world.
Breathe in compassion. Breathe out anger. Breathe in compassion. Breathe out judgment.
Breathe in love. Breathe out the past. Breathe in love. Breathe out the pain.
9) Step into your life with courage.
Once you accept what happened, go through the healing process and are ready for a comeback, be ready to step out of your broken heart and into your life.
What I mean by this is to embrace everything that has happened to you and then find the courage to move forward.
Find the courage within for each step of the journey toward healing and then the courage to come out of healing.
Take small steps toward living a new life. Small steps in saying “yes” to coffee and “yes” to meeting new people.
Small steps in reacting differently to people, in changing your past behavior and in improving who you are as a person.
Yes, your past happened – own it – but the future is happening now and you can write how that goes.
You’ve come out of heartache and failure – you know what it’s like to be at life’s low point, but this has certainly prepared you for life’s glory days.
You’ve experienced crisis. Now you’re ready for brilliance.
Coming out of your shell to meet your best life takes courage. Take those small steps of courage to live an inspired, love-filled and soul-rich life.
Did you enjoy this post? Please share it with your friends and family who have experienced heartache and are trying to move on.
“Wait! Are you saying that I have to stop following instructions and start being an artist? Someone who dreams up new ideas and makes them real? Someone who finds new ways to interact, new pathways to deliver emotion, new ways to connect? Someone who acts like a human, not a cog? Me? YES!” Linchpin, by Seth Godin
You have two choices.
1) Get a job, earn a salary, get health insurance and strive for security; or
2) Do work you enjoy, make a difference and unlock the genius you’ve been hiding.
Are you choosing “conventional”? Or “revolutionary”?
Showing up or standing out?
Following the rules or creating the rules?
One book that has inspired me and altered the course of my life is Seth Godin’s Linchpin. Although the book came out in 2010 and I read it only a couple of years ago, I wanted to take a moment to share its insights with you.
Will this book change your life the way it changed mine?
In Linchpin, Seth gives you a choice between two options: either to be a cog in the giant industrial machine, just one small part that makes the machine run; or to stand out and become a linchpin, an essential and crucial piece that’s irreplaceable.
You can be a worker. Or an artist.
Your two choices.
Seth equates today’s white collar workers to factory workers.
“It’s factory work because it’s planned, controlled, and measured. It’s factory work because you can optimize for productivity. These workers know what they are going to do all day – and it’s still morning.”
But it doesn’t end there. Today “machines have replaced those workers. Worse, much worse, is that competitive pressures (and greed) have encouraged most organizations to turn their workers into machines,” Seth writes. “If we can measure it, we can do it faster. If we can put it in a manual, we can outsource it. If we can outsource it, we can get it cheaper…”
Seth’s premise in Linchpin is that you should challenge the working world of today – refuse to be a cog in the machine. Refuse to simply show up and stick it out.
“The only way to succeed is to be remarkable, to be talked about,” Seth writes.
Your new role in the world is to “be remarkable. Be generous. Create art. Make judgment calls. Connect people and ideas.”
Be impossibly good at your job. Be more human, less machine.
“When you’re not a cog in a machine, an easily replaceable commodity, you’ll get paid what you’re worth. Which is more.”
Less busy work. More art.
Fewer directions. More inspiration.
Less about what you get. More about what you can give.
How do you stand out and become irreplaceable in the world?
1) Be an artist.
Seth talks about how artists are indispensable linchpins.
“Art is scarce; scarcity creates value,” he writes.
And by no means is he implying that you need to start painting and creating sculptures before your next business endeavor.
“Art isn’t only a painting. Art is anything that’s creative, passionate, and personal. And great art resonates with the viewer, not only with the creator.”
“Art is a personal gift that changes the recipient. The medium doesn’t matter. The intent does.”
You can create art not by singing a song or writing poetry. You can create art by affecting someone, inspiring someone, creating a change in others.
You become an artist when you find a new way to do things. You’re an artist when you create joy or pleasure for another person. You’re an artist when you do something original.
And you’re doing all these things not for money, but for the sake of giving and changing people.
“The reason you might choose to embrace the artist within you now is that this is the path to (cue the ironic music) security. When it is time for layoffs, the safest job belongs to the artist, the linchpin, the one who can’t be easily outsourced or replaced,” writes Seth.
And if you’re wondering, you don’t have to quit your job to do this. You can be creative, original, inspiring and generous in the very joy you’re currently experiencing. You can care and you can make an impact on someone by changing the way you think about your work.
“Your art is the act of taking personal responsibility, challenging the status quo, and changing people.”
2) Give away your art.
Now is not the time to think that Seth Godin wants you to become a pauper and live on the streets, selling your watercolor artwork.
“When art is created solely to be sold, it’s only a commodity. A key element for the artist is the act of giving the art to someone in the tribe,” Seth writes.
When you give away something you care about because of love, care or inspiration, you are offering something that cannot be adequately repaid – and that’s okay. You deliver so much value that people have no choice but to be grateful for and appreciative of your art.
Your smile, your act of courtesy, your thoughtful gesture, your connection with someone in the same industry, your introducing that person to a wine she’ll love – all are small examples of gifts that make you invaluable. Indispensable.
Your small acts of art, given generously, make you a linchpin.
Don’t do it for the money, but for the love of it and for the sake of changing people’s lives. The money will come.
Seth challenges us to give not because we want to receive, but simply as an act of love.
3) Be unique.
Seth relays the stories of Louis Vuitton, Hermes and other French artisans who embraced handmade luxury goods that took time and care to produce.
“Mechanizing and cheapening the process would have made it easy for others to copy. Relying on humanity made it difficult – it made the work done in France scarce, and scarcity creates value.”
Don’t go for the easiest or the cheapest route.
Whatever situation you’re in, ask yourself, “What would the artist do here?” How can you make something special or different to improve the final product? How do you inspire and make your customer’s experience stand out?
4) Raise the bar.
“The problem with meeting expectations is that it’s not remarkable. It won’t change the recipient of the work, and it’s easy to emulate (which makes you easy to replace).”
Choose to be remarkable instead, Seth preaches. In fact, if you can’t be remarkable or exceptional in what you’re doing, don’t do it at all.
Stay away from humdrum, average and already been done. What is the game changer? What can you do that is art?
What can you do that will change someone’s life?
You can do something exceptional as a courtroom lawyer or as a telephone receptionist.
Raise the roof if you have to.
5) Become an expert to question how things are done.
“Expertise gives you enough insight to reinvent what everyone else assumes is the truth,” Seth writes.
If you understand better than anyone else the products you’re working on or the topic you’re writing about, you’ll have more breakthroughs and big ideas.
Mastering a subject or a field allows you to do something special in that field. The better you know something, the more likely you’ll know what’s missing, what doesn’t work or how to make something better.
The more you know, the greater your ability to make meaningful changes.
6) Maintain empathy and engagement.
You’re not paid to care, but you’re freely able to do so.
You don’t have to talk to anyone, but doing so can change someone’s day or improve someone’s life.
Can you look for ways to help people and improve the situation? Can you think about the small things that you can do to show you care?
Can these things be as simple as a smile or a “How are you?”
Can kindness, generosity and common courtesy be art? I’d venture to say, yes!!
7) Break the rules.
The easy thing to do is to learn the rules and follow them. There are rule books, policy manuals and employee handbooks. There are instructions that tell you what to do, and bosses who tell you how to do it.
Can you do it differently even if it means bending the rules?
Can you find a more effective solution? A more creative one? A solution that delivers more value to the people you’re serving?
Are you willing to step on toes to introduce an unexpected solution, or go against the usual way of doing things so that you stand out?
Yes, you might be disciplined or fired. But in Seth’s world, the linchpin says, “If I lean enough, it’s okay if I get fired, because I’ll have demonstrated my value to the marketplace. If the rules are the only thing between me and becoming indispensable, I don’t need the rules.”
Following the rules? Or breaking them and creating new ones?
8) Stay passionate.
Artists are passionate about their jobs and passionate about doing important work that gives a gift to others.
Seth writes that “transferring your passion to your job is far easier than finding a job that happens to match your passion.”
Interesting, and contrary to what we’ve been told. It may be the one point I slightly disagree with Seth on.
It may be easier to transfer your passion to your job, but it’s more fulfilling and satisfying to search for your purpose in the world and pursue that thing you were made to do.
Getting passionate about something you’re not interested in is more difficult, I’d argue, than finding what makes you jump out of bed in the morning.
But can you get passionate about aspects or parts of a job you’re already doing?
I’d say, either way, the bottom line is to do work that inspires passion. Either find a new job or discover what you’re passionate about in the work you’re doing.
9) Ship.
In Seth’s world, “ship means hitting the publish button on your blog, showing a presentation to the sales team, answering the phone, selling the muffins, sending out your references.”
Shipping is getting it done. It’s getting the product out the door. Delivering your project to the computer.
If you’re having trouble completing something, you’re likely facing resistance. The solution a la Seth: “Call its bluff, ship always, and then change the world.”
As a linchpin, confront your inner fears and face the resistance you feel.
Your product may not be perfect, but it’s better to get something out the door.
“Shipping something out the door, doing it regularly, without hassle, emergency, or fear – this is a rare skill, something that makes you indispensable,” Seth concludes.
10) Break through the resistance.
People may not like your ideas.
You might fail.
You might be laughed at or fired.
Some of these fears and doubts will stand between you and your work.
The resistance, Seth writes, seeks comfort or wants to hide. Seth encourages you to get uncomfortable when facing resistance.
When you’re feeling uncomfortable, “you’re doing something that others were unlikely to do, because they’re hiding out in the comfortable zone.”
The only solution to breaking through the resistance, Seth tells us, “is to call all the bluffs at once, to tolerate no rational irrational reason to hold back on your art. The only solution is to start today, to start now, and to ship.”
Finally, you may be wondering what art to make and what gifts to share with the world around you.
That question is the “crux of it. Once you commit to being an artist, the question is an obvious one. The answer is the secret to your success. You must make a map. Not someone else. You.”
Linchpin can change your life if you adopt the revolution that Seth is asking you to lead. The power is not in society’s hands or your boss’s hands.
You’re the artist. You’re the linchpin and you can make it happen.
To purchase Linchpin, click here. For coaching to help you discover your art and become the linchpin of your life, click here.
Anyone who tells you that confidence is an innate quality isn’t telling you the truth.
Confidence isn’t a trait that some people have and others don’t.
I am not a naturally confident person.
I used to worry about what people thought of me. I feared being awkward or saying the wrong thing. Many times, I was unsure of myself.
The good news is that I grew out of this.
I did so by building my confidence muscle, being around confident people and taking notes on effective confidence-boosting strategies.
In my previous life, I helped run campaigns for candidates seeking public office. I worked closely with some of the most confident people you can imagine.
I began to notice similarities among the political candidates I worked with. I also came to realize that not all of these people had been confident their entire lives. Sure, a couple had been, but many political candidates are continually building their confidence.
The secret about confidence is out. Anyone can be confident if they shift their mindset and constantly work at it.
You can be confident too.
As your confidence soars, you’ll stand out at work, easily carry on conversations at social events, meet more people and live a richer life.
Here are 6 ways you can boost your confidence to become the person you’ve always wanted to be:
1) Accept yourself for who you are.
The reason you’re not confident in yourself is that you don’t love and accept yourself.
It’s not your fault. Since your early days, you received conditioning from your parents and other adults who put you down and discouraged you.
You listened to negativity in the form of doubt and criticism.
You can’t go back and change the past, but you can avoid becoming a victim of it.
You can work on loving yourself. You can use positive affirmations that confirm all the wonderful things about yourself. You can remove negative people from your life.
You can treat yourself more kindly by finding work that suits you. You can find more inner peace by practicing gratitude and forgiveness daily.
You can feel your feelings and your pain more. You can embrace your vulnerabilities and manage the inner voice that halts your progress.
You can also live a more authentic life.
Live in line with your values and with what’s important to you as a person.
When you’re living your truth and not hiding behind a mask, you feel comfortable with yourself and present your true face to the world.
2) Delete the disempowering stories that you tell yourself.
In your mind, do you replay past mistakes, screw-ups and failures?
Do you unwittingly tell yourself that you are your past? And do you let past events create the belief system you hold today?
Consider past circumstances that you believe indicate you aren’t good enough, smart enough or competent enough.
Do you see how they were isolated situations? You’re not a failure just because you failed one time.
You’re not a reject if you faced rejection one time.
Acknowledge the stories you’ve created about yourself.
Know that the stories you tell about your lack of confidence are simply NOT TRUE.
You created the stories. You took individual situations, linked them together and created powerfully strong beliefs about yourself.
Once you realize it’s a story, you can change it. You can write the story of how, over time, you learned to be confident.
3) Change the script that goes through your mind.
Growing up, did you listen to parents and loved ones who put you down, doubted you and undermined you?
Or to teachers, authority figures and neighbors who thought they were mentoring you when they were actually destroying your self-worth?
People think they’re providing sound advice when they’re actually hurting you and creating an unhelpful script in your mind.
However, you can change this script.
Try a mindfulness practice that catches the various thoughts bouncing around your brain.
Try affirmations and neuro-linguistic programming to reprogram your subconscious mind.
Listen to positive, confidence-building words and statements to help you flip your internal script.
4) Get into a confidence zone.
Did you know you can enter a state of confidence?
Imagine that you’re in a drama class, and your instructor asks you to act like a confident person for a couple of minutes. Could you do it? How would you act? What would your confident behaviors be?
Would you change your body language? Your posture? Your stance? Would you stick out your chest a little more?
You know what confidence looks like.
You’ve met confident people and at different points in your life have been confident yourself. You’ve seen what confidence looks like in your favorite television characters and movie heroes.
Stand up straight. Take up more room around you. Walk with a beat in your step. Before you enter an interview or networking event, practice Amy Cuddy’s tips concerning power poses.
Channel and become the confident person you visualize yourself to be.
5) Take small steps of confidence.
You don’t change from a shy person to Mindy Kaling overnight.
The best way to build your confidence is to challenge yourself and take small steps of confidence.
Talk to someone you normally wouldn’t. Introduce yourself to a stranger at the next office party.
Raise your hand and your voice. Speak up at the meeting.
Attend that social event with a friend.
Take the smallest step you can think of to move toward confidence. One confident action builds upon another.
Chatting with someone new gives you the courage to talk to a small group of people. And speaking to a small group of people gives you the courage to get on a stage and deliver a speech to a larger audience.
6) Develop a healthy relationship with rejection and failure.
Often, we experience one rejection and think that we are permanent failures.
We to talk to one person and don’t have a positive experience.
We try to sell someone on our idea, and that person shoots it down.
A rejection here and a rejection there and before you know it, you’ve formed deep-rooted beliefs about yourself.
You start thinking you’re not worthy enough or good enough.
You believe other people don’t like or accept you.
You let a handful of negative opinions stifle your mind and your life.
No one likes rejection and no one likes to fail, but did you know that rejection is a normal part of life? And the fact that someone says “no” to you or turns down your request has nothing to do with you—it has to do with that person.
The most successful and confident people have taken rejection and brushed it aside. They see rejection simply as a part of life.
Instead of letting rejection paralyze you and undermine your self-worth, know that you win some and you lose some.
Sometimes you get what you want and sometimes you don’t. This is perfectly normal. Confident people are those who face rejection and failure over and over again.
The only difference between you and them is that they don’t let their confidence lapses and failures define them or slow them down. They use rejection and failure to keep growing.
A failure is not a failure if you learn from it. A failure can be a lesson.
Remember, confidence isn’t a trait only television stars or popular people have. It’s not a natural or innate quality that some people receive at birth.
Anyone can become confident if he or she is willing to work on it.
You can become confident by accepting yourself and changing your mind’s script. Take small confidence-boosting steps and work on confidence behaviors to become the confident person you’re capable of being.
* This is a guest post by singer and artist, Nana.
Inspired by my mother, a classical pianist, I started playing the piano at the age of 4. By the time I was 5, I was performing.
Music was my world and the stage was my comfort zone. For many years, I practiced four hours a day.
Along with music, I dedicated my time and energy as a child to learning about the human experience – what “life” was about. I read many books on such topics as self-help, past lives, classical literature, philosophy and religion. I gained hands-on experience in these areas by listening and talking to everyone I encountered. I always felt my calling was to help others.
So how did a young girl who played classical piano and loved to help others end up singing a song called “Blessed Life” and pursuing her music dreams?
During my teenage years, I decided that classical piano was a lonely experience and announced to my parents that I was going to get a job and live life! Yes, I was only 13 years old at the time. My parents were apprehensive and felt devastated about my decision to work and dance in nightclubs.
Though they were disappointed in my life decisions, I spent much of the 1990s in the New York City dance scene, which was still authentic and resembled that of the 1970s. I knew in my heart that dancing was a journey with a purpose. Also, I figured, why wait until I was 18 to get wild and crazy? I might as well get it out of my system when I was younger.
I explored dance music, customs, liberations of the soul and collective experiences of love, kindness and unity on a mass level. For me, dancing was an expressive and spiritual experience.
This understanding augmented my experiences of music, art, self-expression and outrageous customs that later took me on a journey far into the dessert – what we in Burning Man call the PLAYA. The scene there took art, love and community to another level, and inspired me to become the person I am today.
The roads I traveled widened my artistic and musical understanding. I experienced a sense of community on a deep level and understood the things that moved and motivated people.
All this time, deep down inside, I knew that I wanted to write music. I had always known that I wanted to sing, dance and be on stage, but even though those were my callings, I hadn’t written a song yet!!
The time came when I had to help with my family business and, consequently, take on a full-time job. At work I interacted with intelligent people and built relationships with them by helping with their skin problems. I was putting my experiences with learning and healing into practice.
For a portion of my working years I helped clients who came into the skin care shop. In addition to assisting with their skin issues, I offered life advice, book suggestions and even techniques they could use to heal themselves. Having these clients return or write emails saying that my suggestions were useful and changed their lives became music to my ears.
As I helped people improve their skin and their health, a little voice inside me was whispering, saying that I needed to sing, dance and entertain. As the years passed, I got a journal and began writing songs. I wrote on the subway to and from work, jotting down my experiences, thoughts about life and descriptions of things I encountered on a daily basis.
I decided I would “relate to the human experience” through song and create a message that would lift up and resonate with people. I wanted to write songs that inspired others to take action – to love themselves, keep going, help others, etc.
Years went by and these songs – and my dream – remained in my heart. Then I met my life partner, who became my best friend and my biggest supporter. Someone wanted to help me and now it was my turn to learn the lesson of receiving. To give is great, but to receive is another gift and an art one must learn. The balance of giving and receiving is the key to life. If you only give, you will end up bitter; to learn to receive keeps the universe balanced.
A year went by before I became acquainted with the person who would lead and stimulate my music project – a well-established professional who handled many famous artists.
I went to him with three home-recorded songs and told him my vision – “MUSIC WITH A MESSAGE.” I wanted to help and inspire the world and use music as a way to communicate new forms of art. I wanted to bring together people who have love in their hearts and inspire them to create change in the world. I needed someone like him to represent and help me.
With lots of positive thinking, affirmations and support from the universe, I started the journey this past January.
Although I faced many challenges and bumps in the road, I didn’t give up on this project that I call “music with a message” or “revolution/evolution of self.”
I know I have a long way to go and that I’m in the beginning stages of this journey.
I hope you enjoy my first song, on which I collaborated with the great producer Kyle Kelso. The song is “Blessed Life,” and its video contains elements of the club scene, Burning Man-inspired customs, LED light and, of course, regular people I encountered while wandering around New York City.
I hope you feel inspired and share the light and the message to be “Blessed Always!” And I hope you, too, take action on your dreams today, no matter how big or small they are.
Here are six steps you can take to live a more holistic and conscious life, one that enables you to pursue your dreams and live your light:
1. Read.
Books inspire and give you the tools you need to better your life. These are the top, must-read books that have changed and inspired me.
Get a bundle of sage and cleanse either daily or weekly.
It’s like taking a shower, or vacuuming and dusting.
Open all your windows, light the sage and run it around your body. Then go to each room, including all the corners, and ask to cleanse the energy around you and in your home.
Ask to release everything you don’t need. Invite all new, positive energy.
Trust me – you will feel the difference.
3. Use affirmations.
This is so important. If you want to achieve something, you must get a journal and write, write, write. If you come to my home you will see stacks of notebooks and pages upon pages filled with the same statement, written over and over. In every one of your life’s time frames, you have different needs and goals, different things you must get done.
Write what you want, and do so in positive, present tense (i.e., as though you already have it). This lets your subconscious mind envision what you want, and helps the universe bring it to you. You become open to having it.
A few examples of affirmations:
I HAVE A BRAND-NEW, ENERGY-EFFICIENT RED CAR.
I LOVE MY NEW JOB, I ENJOY THE DAILY ACTIVITIES I DO AND I HAVE A GREAT SALARY THAT SUPPORTS ME ABUNDANTLY.
I LOVE MY NEW PARTNER (even if you don’t have one yet). HE/SHE (list qualities)…IS KIND, IS LOVING, IS FUNNY, IS HEALTHY, IS BALANCED, LOVES ME JOYFULLY.
When getting started, you might want to obtain a deck of affirmation cards from Louise Hay (she has many options), then pick one card daily and complete the affirmation. Repeat it at home and in your head.
4. Exercise.
My mom always says, “Healthy body, healthy mind.”
You need to stretch every day and complete some type of physical activity that will engage your body and mind. Take a walk around your home for 30 minutes a day, or go jogging or hiking on the weekends. Hit up a gym. Whatever it is, do something. Your body needs circulation and activity.
5. Give back and receive.
Help others, whether by listening to them and offering advice, or by doing a favor for them. Also, remember that when your turn comes to receive, accept the help and say, “Thank you.” If you find that no one gives back to you, open your heart and ask for help from the universe. Help will come, and you must stay open to receiving it. You will be surprised to discover who lends a hand or smiles at you when you least expect it.
6. Love yourself.
The world is full of demands. We may not achieve our goals quickly, and we may even fail, but we must remember that our worth doesn’t depend on the amount of money we make or the powerful positions we hold or the material things (nice though they are) we own. We are souls – energy – light. Every night give yourself a hug. No matter how tough your day was, tell yourself, “I love you,” and give yourself a hug.
I would love to hear from you, whether you have questions, feedback or thoughts. Please like my Facebook page, Instagram or Twitter feed. You can also visit my iTunes station or website to stay in touch.
MUCH LOVE TO ALL MY ALCHEMISTS OUT THERE,
NANA
P.S. If you feel inspired by my video, please share it with others who you think will enjoy it.
“Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear.” George Addair
Plunking your feet up on a hammock on a sandy beach in the Maldives and sipping on coconut water.
Relaxing.
Snorkeling at Lord Howe Island in New South Wales, Australia with 500 species of fish and 90 coral species in nature’s paradise.
Easy.
Facing your fears and going for your dreams? Not so much.
Although you may have a dream that has captured your heart, it’s easier dreaming about starting a business, making it in Hollywood or becoming a fully-fledged doctor than actually doing something about it.
Making a dream come alive is hard work. Sometimes very hard work, because it’s fraught with the resistance of our fears.
My path to my dreams.
A few yeas ago when I was practicing law, I decided that I wanted to start my own practice: my own legal office providing services to clients primarily online. Of course, once the idea took hold of my heart, I was quite resistant to it.
How could I start my own practice? What did I know about business? How confident was I in my own skills? How effective would an Internet-based law office be?
The fears started bombarding me on a daily basis.
Despite facing my deepest fears of failure and uncertainty about how well this online law firm would turn out, I forged ahead.
I planned ahead, took small steps, found a mentor, established a website, sent out newsletters, got clients and started earning money to support myself. I soon left my day job and transitioned to my online legal practice full-time.
The journey was long and arduous. And scary. Making ends meet, supporting myself and being able to re-invest profits in the business every few months was nerve-wracking.
I’m happy to say that I continued this business for a couple of years and successfully closed the practice. I had achieved moderate success and was running an established business, but I was beginning to feel that the law wasn’t quite fitting in with my values in life.
I went back to a day job and let go of the anxiety of working for myself. I’m really proud of this experience because I was able to show myself that I could do what I had feared.
Fast forward a few years later to this very blog you’re reading now.
Another life-long dream was beginning to pester me. Throughout my life, I had been drawn to the world of personal development and spirituality. I had learned many concepts and studied various methods of self-improvement (and I had a lot to say about them).
I had been coaching friends and collegues on various issues related to confidence, courage and following their dreams. I noticed that that much of the advice I was giving to one person applied to others as well.
I decided to start a personal development and spirituality blog to help people on their life journeys to overcoming fears, finding their callings and cultivating the courage to live their dreams.
Guess what happened again?
Those inner voices of resistance. Who will read your blog? What do you really know about personal development? How could you ever be in a space that successful bloggers like Leo Babauta, Celestine Chua and Farnoosh Brock had already occupied?
Despite these fears and doubts, I forged ahead again. After a couple years of studying and planning for my blog debut, I launched the blog. It’s been a uphill challenging journey once again. I’ve had moments of self-doubt, instances I wanted to quit, thoughts that made me doubt my ability to write this blog and my purpose for doing so in the first place.
There were posts that no one commented on. Posts that no one shared. Writer’s block. Rewrites to my about page. Rewrites to my tagline. Rewrites to what my blog was about.
The blog was this ever-evolving process and I felt like I was in the dark most of the time, but nearly 2 ½ years later, I have some positive developments to report.
There are more than 600 people who have signed up to read my mostly weekly updates. (What do you mean, why not every week? When else would I find time to binge-watch Oprah’s Super Soul Sundays and attend month-long meditation retreats in search of enlightenment and good vegan food? Never. Exactly.)
More than a few thousand people make their way to my blog every month and actually find it useful, practical, or hey, at least entertaining!
People write me messages like this one I received below on Twitter, which I’m inspired by and grateful for.
In addition to a good readership and some of my writing resonating with people, I took this life-changing life coaching course with my spiritual guru, life coach, Tim Brownson, to learn the ins and outs of coaching. Tim helped me take some of the life lessons I had learned and my passion for self-improvement to teach me effective techniques and strategies to coach others.
I learned the art of powerful questions, how to reframe and reshape our lives and the absolute brilliance of getting clear on values in our lives. Tim gave me the tools, the courage and the confidence to start coaching others.
So a few months ago, I added a coaching page to the blog and now coach clients around the world on how to live more courageously, get through difficult transitions in their lives, and live their dreams.
No, it’s not my full-time job (yet), but I am on my way there. I’m overcoming my fears (even as we speak) by telling you that I’m doing this work. I’ve been reluctant to tell even you – my readers – that I now offer coaching because I’ve been afraid of what you’d think, if you’d think I could really help you or if you could really benefit from my coaching.
This is despite the fact that I’ve coached dozens of people in my life in various capacities. I ran a college admissions consulting business and coached young people on discovering their dreams and pursuing degrees that most fit with their goals. I’ve coached my legal clients through issues that had nothing to do with law, political candidates on matters far outside politics, and friends who have sought me out as their own life coach and advisor.
In pursuit of this dream, I’ve had to fight my fears and my doubts. And as you can hopefully see from the progression of this blog, I’ve been able to walk through some of fear’s tricky behavior.
It’s not been easy. It’s taken hard work to write more than 100,000 words of content, guest blog on other blogs, sit up morning and night to commit to building this community and business.
But this is the price of a dream.
Dream-catching has also required a daily stand-off with fears and uncertainties that have plagued me: ”What am I doing? Am I capable of doing this? Is this ever going anywhere?”
I am here to tell you mid-journey, I’m doing it. I’m living the dream. Yes, I had to create it, but it can be done. I’m here to remind you that you can do it too if you decide to come to terms with the barriers that are detracting you from living your dreams and keeping you stuck. Principally, your fears.
And as you can imagine, having worked through some of my fears and reflected on how I dealt with them, I’d like to offer you a handful of practical strategies to help you work through your fears and achieve your dreams.
What’s preventing you from achieving your dreams?
The fears that we face when following dreams.
Self-doubt. Every time you want to do something, you question if you have the ability, capability and skill to get it done. You doubt your ability to achieve the task or think you’re not good enough.
Voices of our critics. They’ve become our inner voice these days, but the people who doubted us, criticized us, told us we were unworthy and incapable start playing in our heads. We have heard these negative voices from the people closest to us, and we now hear this voice in our thoughts.
It’s not worth the risk. We think about how it takes too much time, money, effort and risk to pursue our dreams. We have a mental checklist of all the problems, shortcomings, and issues that could arise.
The fear of failure. And success. We are afraid of failing, but it’s also our fear of success which holds us back. Not only are we worried about all things that could go wrong, but our minds are nervous about everything going right. We are afraid of achieving our dreams and the happiness and success that follow.
The fear of standing out. We want to be part of the crowd. We don’t want to stand out like a sore thumb. Our fear of being ourselves, fear of rejection and fear of being alone further stand in the way of our dreams.
First, let me suggest 4 provocative questions to help you change your mindset about fear, followed by 17 strategies you can use to be more courageous when facing your fears.
4 questions to challenge yourself about your dreams.
Will you settle for a mediocre life?
This question asks you to consider the type of life you want to lead. Are you comfortable with living an average life without any great achievements or defeats? Will you settle for ho-hum?
Will you regret not having followed your dream?
What would happen if you didn’t follow your dream? How would your life feel if you didn’t achieve or even start on your dreams? Are you ok with allowing your dreams to die a silent death? What do you lose and miss out on when you don’t follow your dreams?
What if your life ended tomorrow?
Similar to the last question, what if tomorrow were your last day on earth? What would you do today about your dream? Pursue it, live it or let it go?
Also, if death met you tomorrow, what do you want to be remembered for? What do you want people to say about you at your funeral, about how you lived your life and how you pursued your dreams?
What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?
What actions would you take and what would you do if you knew success was certain? That no matter what, circumstances wouldn’t let you down. How much more likely would you to be follow your dreams? What would you do this very moment?
17 practical strategies to tackle the fears standing in the way of your dreams.
1. You’ve done it before, you can do it again. Take a step back and count all your life accomplishments, minor achievements and major life breakthroughs.
You’ve confronted fears, overcome obstacles and achieved your dreams repeatedly. You learned how to ride a bicycle, learned how to swim, got your driver’s license, passed difficult exams, won soccer tournaments, (or American Idol maybe, if you’re Carrie Underwood) and got cast in the movie Zero Dark Thirty (Jessica Chastain) after a lifetime of dedication to theater.
You’ve done it before and done it well. Use your record of achievement to help inspire you to take on the dream at hand.
2. Prove your fears wrong. Your fears may be very real to you, but could they also be False Evidence Appearing Real? You don’t have to accept your fears at face value.
Try to identify and list your fears about pursuing a dream. Make a comprehensive and detailed list. Now respond in writing to these fears. Are there contrary reasons or perspectives on why your fear is misplaced? Misguided? Or plain false? Can you prove your fears wrong?
3. When do you feel most confident and fearless?
There have been times in your life you’ve felt fearless and absolutely confident.
You may have a talent, skill or ability that you know you can do with your eyes closed, be it writing a report, closing a home sale, cooking a difficult dish or mastering a certain kind of ballroom dance.
Use those moments of greatness as fuel for your current dream. What if you cultivated the same confidence for the dream that’s pulling at your heart?
4. Consider the worst that can happen.
What if you did ask for a raise? Your boss could say no, then get angry with you and fire you. They could put you on a no-hire list and give you a terrible recommendation for other jobs. Now that you’ve taken this to the extreme, how likely is this to happen?
What if you did asked your dream guy out on a date? He could say no. Then check your Facebook profile, fall in love with your best friend and propose marriage to her. You’d be asked to be the maid of honor at their wedding and godmother to their children? Is the worst that can happen that bad? And more important, is the worst-case scenario really that likely to occur?
Since you’re already preoccupied with fears, take your fears to the most extreme level.
5. Let go of the big picture and start with the smallest step. You have a brilliant and radiant dream that includes quitting your job, becoming a billionaire while pursuing your passion, buying up a few islands in Fiji and starting your mornings with Bloody Marys.
Yet starting on a dream like that could be frustrating and paralyzing. Although it’s good to know the final destination, consider the most immediate and smallest step you could take and take that step tomorrow.
By small, I mean tiny. If you want to be a writer, write each day for five minutes. If you want to open a bakery, buy the ingredients to experiment with your first cake. If you want to marry George Clooney, become an international leading human rights lawyer.
6. Always know that you can let go of a dream if it’s not for you. You may also feel paralyzed by starting because once you’ve begun, you’re in it for the long run. Not true.
Just like how you gave up that instrument you hated to play or the roommate who had a hookah machine in her room or the career that inspired you to use up all your sick days and quit, you can quit a dream.
If it’s not right for you, there are ways out. You’re not signing up for a life sentence. Start today and see where it takes you. Know there’s always an exit available mid-stream.
7. Create time for your dream and do it consistently. Your fears may be swirling around in your mind and eating away at your heart.
You don’t have to combat your fears or fight them. Instead, take some action on them. Not big bold steps. How about small, tiny, but consistent ones?
Again, writing for a few minutes a day. Reading business books a few minutes a day. Starting with an easier yoga class on your way to better fitness. Listening to an audio book on how to be a better public speaker or perusing new recipes in a cookbook.
Whatever your dream, make time for it and calendar it in.
8. Become aware of obstacles, distractions and resistance. That sale at French Connection or Roopam’s, near the Chhatrapati Shivaji Terminus railway station in Mumbai, sure is distracting.
So is having to clean your flat from top to bottom, including washing the windows, steam-cleaning the carpet and shampooing the sofas.
You may experience these unknown urges to fill up your time with tasks that can’t wait or things you’ve been putting off for ages.
When you feel there’s no better time for a guilty pleasure or dreaded task, become aware that these activities you’re opting for represent another form of resistance and procrastination.
Become aware that petty tasks and unavoidable errands are simply distractions. They can wait. Your dreams can’t.
9. Stay inspired by others who have achieved their dreams.
At one time in their lives, they were just souls with dreams, but then they went about achieving them. Before she sold 300 million records, Madonna was just a girl from Michigan with a dream. Before Lady Gaga became the best-selling musician of all times, Stefani Germanotta was just a art and theater enthusiast in New York.
Stephen King’s first book, Carrie, was rejected 30 times before he went on to sell over 350 million books worldwide. Steven Spielberg was rejected twice by the University of Southern California film school before he became one of the world’s most acclaimed directors. Dr. Seuss was rejected by 27 publishers. Oprah was demoted from her job as a news anchor.
History is filled with people who have gone after their dreams and achieved them even after setback. Learn about them, be inspired by them, and get in gear so you can start on the path to your dream.
10. Don’t seek validation of or opinions on your dreams.
You can be inspired by others, but don’t look to others around you for support, validation or encouragement.
In fact, keep your dream to yourself if you can. It’s ironic that the people who love us the most and care most about us are often the people who discount our dreams and discourage us.
They’re trying to be “practical”, be wise friends or look out for your best interests. Or they could be fearful for you and want to hold you back. They were too afraid to pursue their dreams and definitely don’t want you to see you achieving your greatness.
For the most part, keep your dreams to yourself and go about the task of achieving your dreams. You don’t need to talk your dream up to all those around you. Just live your dream and show people you can do it.
11. Pursue your goals, but focus on how you feel internally on the way to your dreams.
Small goals or milestones can be important in helping you achieve your dream. If you’re the goal-oriented type, make sure you follow Leonie Dawson’s advice and write them down! Her recent post discussed how writing down your goals and reviewing them is a habit of the highest achievers.
Just as important as goals is how you feel internally.
If you’re pursuing something that meets standards and deadlines but hate doing it, your fears will be roaring at you.
So, when pursuing your dream, consider and validate how you’re feeling. Check in with yourself emotionally and be willing to make the necessary adjustments.
Pursue those things you’re passionate about, and you will naturally find the courage to keep at them.
Another technique is to cultivate the feelings of having achieved your dream now to stay in a state of positivity.
Imagine what it would feel like to have achieved your dream. How do you feel? How do you walk? How do you wake up every day and live your life?
Visualize the feelings of waking up on the Sea Cloud luxury yacht, checking out the millions of dollars of new sales on your website Amazon.com and stopping for kaffee and kuchen at Café Chagall in Berlin.
Don’t fake it ‘til you make it. Feel it like you’ve made it!
12. Focus on the journey, not the fears that stop you from getting there.
If you think about your wedding day and the work involved in planning it, you’ll feel like passing out.
If you think about the manuscript you’ll have to submit to the publishers at Hay House, you’ll want to buy an around-the-world ticket and go on a pilgrimage.
When you think of your dreams, you often think of the final goal or end result. But that’s when the flames of fears start to roar.
Instead of focusing on all these fears that come up, focus on something productive – getting things done.
Instead of fearing failure, what are 2 or 3 small things you need to achieve today to help you move towards your dream?
Focus your mind on action steps, not fears.
13. Cultivate persistence and determination.
When you’re facing challenges or obstacles on the path to your dream, you’ll feel like giving up.
But think about why you pursued the dream in the first place and find the inner strength to keep going. Know that obstacles are bumps in the road, not dead ends.
Stay true to your dreams by holding onto them when times get tough.
One way to keep going is to create effective habits, so you’ll plow through your resistance by staying true to your habits.
I try to write a few hundred words every single day and usually early in the morning in order to share my message with all of you.
If you’re fixed on a habit, you’ll feel less like stopping. Your habit will inspire you to keep going because it’s ingrained. If you want to make your habits sticky, check out Barry Davenport’s course (not an affiliate link).
14. Get hungry about your dream (but not in a Ben and Jerry’s or Amul ice cream late-night binge kind of way)
How badly do you want to achieve your dream? How hungry are you for it?
Anthony Robbins asks you if your dream is a must (an absolute hunger and necessity for you) or a should (something that sounds like a good idea if you have time).
Get clear on why exactly you’re pursuing your dream. Follow a dream that your soul yearns for. Passionately figure out your ‘why,’ as Tony suggests in this video.
15. Believe in yourself.
Continue to remind of yourself of the goals and achievements you’ve had in your life – how you’ve overcome change, obstacles and difficulties.
Learn how to accept yourself and move away from needing the acceptance and approval of others. You are whole, you are complete just as you are.
Brian Tracy offers some great tips here on the process towards self-acceptance and self-belief.
You have a voice inside yourself that might be regularly talking down to you and being critical. Become aware of this voice and shower it with love and compassion.
Understand that this voice comes from a place of lack, scarcity and not having had enough in life. Positive self-talk, meditation, EFT tapping, feel-good activities and positive, uplifting people in your network can all help you love this internal critic and make her a raving fan.
Finally, when you fail, keep on failing. Tim Brownson suggests that a powerful way to develop your self belief is to recognize evidence contrary to what you may be thinking about yourself.
You’re not a failure because you’ve failed. Instead, Tim reminds us in this video below that many of the greatest people in history failed repeatedly.
To change your beliefs, challenge the disempowering ideas that you have about yourself.
16. Acknowledge that your fears are signs that your dreams are worth pursuing.
Fears may hinder you from your dreams but they have a role in your life as well.
In fact, they are a reminder that something is worth doing. Only when you feel the pangs of fear do you know that you are at the edge of your comfort zone.
You’re on the verge of growth, you’re moving towards a dream that has the potential to change your entire life.
Recognize and become aware of your fears so you can use them as a trigger to achieve your dreams. My friend Razwana encourages you to use fears as a wake-up call and motivation to get things done in your life.
Use fear as a trigger or a kick in the pants to start on the path to your dreams.
17. Practice facing fears repeatedly. Just like everything in life, we get better on what we work on.
If you’re terrified of your fears and don’t pursue dreams because of paralysis, you’re going to be a novice to fear.
On the other hand, if you repeatedly find yourself in situations that you’re scared of and learn how to overcome them, you’re going to get better at it. You’re going to develop a better relationship with fear and think of fear as a confidante.
If you’re scared of going to a large international conference like the World Domination summit without knowing a soul there, you’re likely to be more courageous if you go to your first one. My friend, Varonica, did just that and recounted her experiences of facing her fears and surviving the conference. Can you imagine how much easier attending her next conference will be?
You’ll likely take more risks and be open to facing your fears. Once you see that your deepest, wildest fears usually don’t manifest, but fear is a friend who can motivate you, you’ll put yourself out there more.
You’ll show up when you don’t know anyone at the World Domination summit.
You’ll go to the audition.
You’ll invest in yourself by signing up for that course.
Find the courage to live the life you’re capable of. Fearlessly share this article with your friends, neighbors, and the guy across the table who’s too afraid to ask for your number.
If you’re interested in coaching, sign up for an “Awakening” or “Enlightenment” coaching session. We’ll get clarity on your life direction, work through your fears and help you come up with action steps to achieve your goals in life. Wake up with a greater sense of direction and fulfillment than ever before.
I help people overcome their devastating breakups and divorces and find love again. Instead of visiting the Himalayas, sign up below and join me. I am taking a writing break but will be back soon.
This guide is free. A ticket to the Himalayas is $2000. Your move.
