When someone repeats something over and over you tend to believe it.
Even if it’s a lie.
Society has perpetuated these falsities throughout our lives, and everyone and their mother has bought into these ideas as “common sense.”
Yet when you question or challenge these ideas, society punches back swiftly, with brute force.
Society doesn’t like anyone who rocks the boat or takes a different path because…you might become happy and fulfilled.
And you might do it on your own terms.
And that’s just…not right.
Society wants you to play by its rules. It wants to be the rule-setter. It wants to be the law-creator and the dream-master. It wants to tell you yay or nay.
Society wants you to succeed on its terms, not yours.
And who is the ubiquitous society that lies to you?
Oh, you know, Mom and Dad. Uncle Lou. The Cooper family next door. The O’Brien family down the street. Nana and Dadaji.
Your community: El Dorado Hills. Folsom. Davis. Yuba City. Fremont. Pleasanton. Visakhapatnam. Chennai. Kolkata. Bangalore. Pune. Hyderabad. Singapore. Hong Kong. Shanghai. Osaka. Kuala Lumpur. Tokyo.
Pretty much anywhere you live in the world.
Your radio station. Your TV shows and telenovelas. Your Hollywood movies and Bollywood cinema (especially your Bollywood cinema!!).
Your Facebook feed, Instagram account and Twitter feed.
Celebrities and politicians.
Authors and journalists.
Your teachers and professors. Your career guidance counselors. Your mentors.
Newspapers and television news.
So how do you combat these lies?
You wake up!
Become aware that society is feeding you a bunch of bold-faced lies.
Challenge society’s assumptions and dictates.
Do what’s right for you and ignore the thundering buzz of lies that society feeds you.
Wake up. Stand up.
Stand up for your own happiness and live your own truth.
9 Lies Society Desperately Needs You to Believe
1) You need top schools and high marks for success.
This is the boldest-faced lie of all. Society feeds it to you from the day you start kindergarten.
All over the world, you hear that your marks and grades in school are what count.
Creativity. Character. Compassion. Kindness. It doesn’t matter. How you do on your next exam matters. How you do in school determines how much your family accepts you. How you perform correlates to how much love you receive.
And how well you do directly relates to your future success.
While, yes, better grades get you into better schools, better colleges and higher-paying jobs – is that really what success is about?
If success is about being happy, not rich, then society is lying to you like an expensive Persian rug.
Top schools and high marks are for people who don’t have confidence and who need external rankings and reputations to validate themselves.
If you have initiative, drive and confidence, focus on what interests you and what you’re passionate about.
Don’t allow your grades to determine your value.
2) You need graduate school and a professional degree to be a success.
You don’t need a &(@_!*! degree from a prestigious university, mate. You need confidence and you need to believe in yourself.
Unfortunately, they don’t teach that class at Yale or Cambridge.
Even if you go to a top graduate program or pick up a fancy professional degree, you have no idea if you’re going to be happy or successful in that field.
You have no more certainty that you’re going to pursue your purpose or find your dream job.
Be patient with the path. Since your dream job won’t find you, go out there and seek a variety of opportunities to help you eliminate jobs and careers that don’t fit.
Run away furiously from soul-crushing work; find work that brings you joy and makes you jump out of bed in the morning.
Do you really need a degree from a top school, considering that many millionaires dropped out of college, many billionaires went to average schools and many successful people never finished high school?
Graduate degrees leave you with debt, consume years of your life and force you to specialize in one career track.
If you’re uncertain about your abilities and if fear paralyzes you, go to a top school.
If you believe in yourself, find work that you’re good at and that you’re passionate about.
3) Pursuing your dreams is for the foolish and naïve.
If you quit your job and write poetry, people will think you’ve lost your mind. A society that sees you as a threat to convention will meet your independence and creativity with resistance.
“Who do you think you are?” it will smirk.
It’s never too early or too late to follow your dreams. And you don’t have to drop everything to start on them.
You don’t have to quit your job, sell your house and live on the streets to launch your music career.
Take small steps today to transition to or create your dream job. You can use a volunteer position, time after the kids have gone to bed, or the weekends to nurture your dreams.
Take small but consistent steps, even if you have a family or financial obligations. Work on your dreams every day. Create time for your dreams.
Society wants you to pursue your dreams only when you’re financially well-off or retired, but don’t delay on getting started.
Start today.
4) You need to become a homeowner and own the biggest house you can afford.
When you own a home, as I did in the past, you have a regular monthly mortgage and obligations. This comes with financial worries, continuous expenses and a lifetime of regular upkeep.
A home, they say, will bring financial stability.
But…it will also constrict your life, limit your freedom and keep you stuck in a life you may not want.
Without a home, you can save and invest more of your money in your future.
Without a home, you can travel more and pursue your dreams more vigorously.
You won’t have a constant financial commitment that you’ll work a lifetime to pay off.
The real estate industry and the “American dream” want you to buy into the nonsense that a house = security + stability + a set financial future. Well, the industry profits plenty when you buy a home.
Without a giant financial commitment, you’ll be free to live your life instead of feeding the never-ending house-monster.
You can find financial stability without a home. You’ll also have freedom, peace of mind and more money to do what you want.
5) The bigger your salary, the more success you’ll have (and the happier you’ll be).
Having enough money to cover your basic life necessities is important, but why tie your internal happiness to your bank balance?
Society, like your parents and teachers, wants you to believe that the longer and harder you work, the more money you’ll earn. With more money, you can buy more things.
Society leads you to believe that the more possessions you own and the more junk you collect, the happier you’ll be.
Reality and the research show that your happiness plateaus after you reach a salary of $75,000.
If you buy into society’s construct of money and wealth, you will need more money to buy the things society insists will bring you happiness.
Retailers need your money. Corporations need your money. Luxury car makers need your money. Nordstrom and Saks Fifth Avenue need your money.
Hopefully, you realize that you don’t need gadgets, furniture, jewelry or cars to bring you happiness.
You can find happiness by simply being and choosing to be so.
You can be happy by being thankful for what you have.
You can cultivate happiness by serving others.
You can find happiness in family and friendship.
You can find happiness in doing work that is meaningful and in activities that feed your passion.
And you can buy all this happiness for $0.
6) Simple living = poor living
You can survive while owning less stuff. Yes, you can.
Without material possessions, you can find yourself in breathtaking scenery, among rich cultures and traditions, and in the company of inspirational people.
All you have to do is look around and acknowledge what you have. The most dazzling beaches may be a mere 15 minutes from where you live. The little remote village you’re staying in may have stunning views and sunsets.
Without much money, you can have rich experiences – experiences money can’t buy. Take a free tour of a nearby gallery, visit a mystical city or take a walking tour to see the wonders of where you live.
Broaden your network of friends so you can share music, poetry, art, recipes, travel stories and other experiences with each other.
Having less stuff and richer experiences allows for greater connection with the world and for more intimate relationships.
You can live simply and enjoy rich experiences and an abundance of happiness.
7) You need a life partner (and a kid) to be complete.
Every Disney story and every fairytale you’ve heard in every Taylor Swift song on the radio remind you that you’re not enough if you’re single.
Society wants you to be part of a couple. And can’t imagine someone being happy alone.
Society wants you to experience the “joys” of couplehood and marriage. Society wants you to have (raise and pay for) a kid as well.
When you’re hitched and have a kid, you’re complete. You can buy bigger real estate, own two cars and get more stuff.
A family is a consumer-driven society’s fantasy – the bigger the family unit, the more you spend.
Don’t buy into this lie that society has perpetuated for generations. Just because everyone’s doing it (getting hitched) doesn’t mean you have to.
Cameron Diaz, Oprah, actress Tabu, Padma Lakshmi, Cory Booker and Condoleezza Rice are a handful of the rich and famous who have not.
And you don’t have to either. Don’t get hitched because society expects you to.
Or your mother. Or your grandmother.
Fight the world that wants you to put a ring on it. If you don’t want him to put a ring on it, keep your hands in your pockets!
Instead of seeking a perfect partner, seek to become a better version of yourself.
Then find a partner who enhances you or makes you better, not someone who completes you.
Be complete.
8) World travel is for the rich and famous.
Why travel today when you can wait until you’re rich, famous or retired?
Of course, if you look at packaged tours or mainstream travel publications that include all-in-one packages, travel seems out of reach.
But if you look at more creative travelers, backpackers and do-it-yourself nomads, you’ll find that traveling is way cheaper than you think.
Here’s an excellent post about all the different options for saving more, spending less and getting the most out of travel. This post defeats every excuse you have about travel.
Traveling is not just for the wealthy anymore.
You can travel on the cheap if you plan ahead and do your research online. Pick up a travel guide, read blogs that help you travel cheaply, and be flexible with your travel plans. You can even travel cheap for the long term.
If world travel doesn’t entice you, why not see more of the city you live in, or check out nearby travel spots?
Travel so you can see the world around you.
Travel so you can learn new things, open your mind and have new experiences.
Travel so you can find inspiration.
Don’t push off travel ‘til you can afford it or you have time – you might not be alive by the time you’re ready.
9) Your happiest days are ahead.
Society reminds you constantly that where you are is not enough.
If you do x, y and z, you’ll find the happiness you desire.
You’ll be happy when you buy that jacket or own that car or live in that house.
Peace of mind, happiness and fulfilled dreams are all in the future.
Wake-up call: Your best days are not ahead of you.
As spiritual author Eckhart Tolle has quipped, “It is not uncommon for people to spend their whole lives waiting to start living.”
Sure, your life circumstances and situations may improve, but why wait on better days when you can choose happiness today?
The best way to find happiness now is to live in the present moment.
Within each moment, strive to be present. Be willing to let go and accept what comes your way.
If you can find contentment and peace in the present moment, you’ll realize that your best day is today.
You can be grateful for whatever you have in your life now: the good, the bad and the challenging.
You can be happy by doing things that make you happy.
“You don’t have to win the argument with your inner critic; you have to step away from the conversation.” – Tara Mohr, Playing Big
You’re not ready.
You’re not good enough. Or pretty enough. Or likable enough. Or lovable enough.
You’re not the most competent person for the job.
Ahhh…the inner critic. Our doubter, our bully and often our own worst enemy.
It’s this inner voice that holds many of us back. And in Tara Mohr’s recent book, Playing Big, she acknowledges that this internal chatter holds most women back from “playing bigger” in their lives.
“The inner critic speaks up with more viciousness and volume when we are exposing ourselves to a real or perceived vulnerability – something that triggers a fear of embarrassment, rejection, failure or pain,” Mohr writes.
Mohr notes that the stakes are even higher for women. When you play big, you follow your calling and your dreams.
When you play bigger, you open yourself to criticism, rejection and vulgarity.
You’ve seen women in politics, business and entertainment who put themselves out there or take strong positions and consequently suffer grief at the hands of the press, social media and cable talk shows.
“Our own safety instinct seeks to protect us from that external criticism by spewing cruel self-criticisms (‘You aren’t ready for that, and you don’t know what you are talking about.’) that keep us from stretching into greater visibility and encountering those kinds of attacks,” Mohr notes.
Although the inner critic’s intentions (i.e., trying to protect you from danger and criticism) are noble, its voice does not reflect reality.
So how does Mohr suggest you deal with this misguided instinct that prevents you from playing bigger in your life?
How do you change your relationship with the inner critic?
1) Label it.
Mohr suggests calling out the inner critic when you hear its negativity and doubts. As you become aware of this inner voice, acknowledge it and label it. Say to yourself, “Oh, I’m hearing my inner critic right now.”
2) Separate yourself from the inner critic.
Whatever tantrums or chatter your inner critic is spewing, remind yourself that you and the inner critic are not the same. Separate yourself from it.
3) Create a character that represents your inner critic.
For many of us, the inner critic is a voice we have heard our whole lives – our mother or teacher or another disciplinarian. It’s the voice of the person who has put us down and doubted us.
Mohr suggests taking part in a playful but effective exercise in which you create a persona for your inner critic. “When you create a character with a name and visual image, you help yourself remember that the critic is not the core of you, it’s one voice, with its own personality and pathology.”
Draw, sketch and describe this inner critic. Turn it into a fictional person, cartoon or caricature of someone you know. Describe its voice, personality and typical phrases and patterns. Name the character and capture its voice in your mind.
Turn it into something funny because, as Mohr reminds us, this character usually says something ridiculous! It’s easier to notice your inner critic if it’s Peggy Bundy, Madea, Carmela Soprano or Sophia Petrillo. You’ll not only spot your critic quicker but get a good laugh at its expense as well.
4) What is your inner critic protecting you from?
Once you can identify your inner critic’s voice and picture your critic in your mind, you’ll be better able to communicate with it.
When your critic fills you with negativity, determine what exactly it’s protecting you from.
Ask your inner critic what it’s most afraid of at the moment. What is the danger it sees?
“Once you are in touch with the root of the critic’s intentions, respond with compassion towards the critic’s misguided attempt to keep you safe – usually from attack, embarrassment, isolation or failure.”
A great line you can use to acknowledge your inner critic but also inform it that you’re okay is to respond with, “Thanks so much for your input, but I’ve got this one covered.”
5) Turn down the volume.
Once you know what your inner critic’s voice sounds like, you’ll be more aware of the times when you hear it. If the voice is stronger and louder than usual, practice lowering it as though it comes with a volume dial.
Turn down the volume on your inner voice like you would with your cell phone or your television.
You’ll still hear the inner critic, but you can determine at which volume you’ll do so. Also, by imagining that your inner voice has volume control, you can differentiate between it and yourself.
Treat your inner voice with love, compassion and understanding.
You can’t win arguments with your inner critic and you can’t be angry with it either. Both strategies will simply fuel its fire.
The inner critic, as Mohr describes it, is a scared and fearful part of ourselves. It doesn’t respond well to anger, arguments or grandiosity.
Use the previous techniques in a loving and kind way. Treat your inner voice like you would an upset or unreasonable child.
Acknowledge it, comfort it, reduce its volume and thank it for guiding you. However, feel free to tell it that you’re in control of the situation.
Be aware that, at the end of the day, although its actions and words are misguided, your inner critic is only trying to protect you.
Your wise inner guide.
Not only can you compassionately deal with your inner voice, you can discover a more empowering, wise voice within yourself.
Mohr explains a concept she learned in her coach training school. This concept has students visualizing themselves in 20 years’ time. The students meet their future selves – the people they’ll be 20 years from today.
In the visualization, converse with your “future self,” asking it questions like, “What do I need to know to get from where I am today to where you are?” and “What has been most important about the past 20 years?”
When Mohr used this “future self” tool with her coaching clients, she found that people saw themselves as their best, most loving and wisest selves. When women reflected on their future selves, they always found the answers they were looking for.
“I began to call it the inner mentor because I found this voice functioned for women as a source of guidance, a voice women could draw on to develop a vision for their lives and careers, to make difficult decisions, to chart their paths,” Mohr says.
By giving women a tool that helped them determine how their future selves would approach a situation, Mohr ensured that the women she worked with would become confident and have a clear idea of what to say and do.
“Or a woman would come in feeling stuck about how to pursue her dream career, and by imagining what her future self would do, could immediately see a path forward that felt just right to her but that she hadn’t thought of before.”
Each of us, Mohr concludes, has this inner mentor.
Within yourself, you have the answers. You have the solutions and the wisdom you need to deal with the situations you’re confronting in your life.
You, too, can conduct Playing Big’s guided visualization and access this voice of perfect wisdom.
As Mohr says, simply asking, “What would my older self do?” won’t get you there. You must complete the visualization to access your wise inner voice.
Don’t let your inner critic hold you hostage. Fully embrace the voice of wisdom – your inner mentor.
This is just the beginning of what’s possible for you in terms of achieving a bigger life. The other eight chapters of Playing Big help you navigate fear, release your attachment to praise and criticism and help you recognize and respect your calling.
If you need a set of tools and practical solutions to help you take bigger steps in your personal and professional lives, pick up Playing Big today.
“Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.” Thomas Edison
There are a lot of times when life simply sucks.
Whether it’s something unexpected happening or some ongoing issue that’s keeping you down, life tends to put us on the outs now and again.
Many of us don’t feel like doing anything when life puts us in a slump.
It’s difficult not to think about whatever is wrong and to focus on being productive and motivated.
But here’s the thing: you can be productive, even when life seems like it’s getting the better of you.
Immediately before I left home for college, I started dating someone very special to me.
We had known each other for several years, but I had lost touch with him. Through a long and complicated string of events, we wound up reconnecting and discovered that we both had very strong feelings for one another.
Our timing was terrible, but we wanted to be together. So we began our relationship as a couple during a time when we lived over four hours away from one another. While the start of our relationship was wonderful and exciting, the huge chunks of time we spent apart was not. We both had very little money and couldn’t afford to travel to each other, except for maybe once a month (and even that wasn’t always possible).
I spent tons of time sulking around my college campus, dragging myself out of bed with every pitiful amount of motivation I could muster up. I felt depressed. Not exactly the most uplifting way to manage your first year at college.
I knew that I needed to focus on school and study to get good grades. If I let my emotions get the better of me and failed a class, or decided to drop out altogether (which crossed my mind just about every day), I’d be ruining the best chance I had for my boyfriend and I to have a happy future together.
So I pressed on.
I didn’t always feel like it – in fact I hardly ever felt like it – but I made myself stay productive in school. It was a very difficult year for me, and so was the next year. But I learned some very valuable lessons because of these hardships, and I think they bear repeating.
Life is hard, but it’s also beautiful and wonderful. Terrible things may happen, but you can only know that they’re terrible because of the great things that have already happened to you.
If life has you feeling depressed, out of control, miserable, or just fed up, you should know that it’s okay to feel that way. However, it’s not okay to idly sit by and let your negative feelings rule your life.
The best way to get out of your slump is to stay productive, even during the times when you don’t feel like being productive.
Here are some lessons I learned about how to stay productive when life has you in a slump:
1. Exercise for better sleep and to boost endorphins
Exercise is a greatly underutilized antidepressant. I know that some days it feels like you can barely get out of bed, let alone go for a jog, but exercising is a naturally proven way to increase your body’s feel-good endorphins.
Exercising for at least two and a half hours a week has been shown to significantly improve the quality of sleep you get at night, which positively impacts your overall mental wellness and your energy during the day.
In my personal experience, I’ve also found exercising to be a good way to relieve stress and frustration.
If you go for long jog, chances are that you’ll feel so tired when you get done you won’t even have the energy to be bummed out.
That and endorphin boost can do wonders for your mood and productivity.
2. Remind yourself that being productive now will improve your happiness later
I certainly didn’t always feel like going to class or studying for finals when I was in my slump, but I did it anyway because I knew it would be best for me in the end.
I know it’s hard, but you have to try to look beyond your feelings in the present moment and do what will be most beneficial to your happiness later. If you just sit back and wallow in self-pity, you likely aren’t going to feel better for a very, very long time.
You don’t have to be thrilled about whatever you’re doing, but at least do it so you can keep yourself moving forward, if only ever so slightly.
3. If you can, be productive on your own terms
Depending on what kind of job or daily responsibilities you have, this tip might be harder for you to put into action. What I mean by “be productive on your own terms,” though, is that you should do whatever will help you be most productive, even if it doesn’t seem like something a productive person would do.
There were some days in college when I knew I’d get more done if I spread out my books in bed and stayed in my pajamas all day, rather than going to the library. So I stayed in bed and let myself be motivated by the fact that I got to choose how I was going to be productive that day.
I didn’t go anywhere because I didn’t want to, but I also didn’t sulk in my room. I got things done…but on my own terms.
If it’s possible for you to control some of the terms of your productivity, do so.
It’s okay if they seem less productive to other people; all that matters is that you feel most productive working that way.
4. Be motivated by others in the same situation
Anytime I feel myself falling into negativity, I try to remember that there are definitely hundreds – if not thousands – of other people in the world going through the same thing. And, it seems, many of them don’t get nearly as down or stressed out as I do sometimes.
So, I figure, if they can face the same thing and carry on with their daily lives, so can I.
It’s also helpful to view yourself as part of a group working toward a common goal, rather than as an individual trying to reach a goal or achieve something alone.
5. Find something that you enjoy and do it every day
Another helpful tip for getting out of your funk is to find something that you enjoy and do it every day, even if you only do it for 15 minutes or so.
When I was in college, I discovered that I really liked playing video games on my handheld, so I invested in a Nintendo DS and started gaming on there for an hour or so a day. Even with all my schoolwork, it was perfectly manageable for me to set aside some time to play each day.
When you do something that you enjoy, you start to focus on that activity, rather than on whatever has you feeling down. This is a good way to start to wean yourself off of your negative emotions and feel something positive again.
If you aren’t into gaming, try reading a book, creating some kind of art, writing, or cooking.
6. Get out of your comfort zone
In addition to doing something you enjoy every day, it’s also important to take small steps outside of your comfort zone. This will help you get out of your slump by boosting your chances of discovering new interests, opportunities and new people.
As you begin to try new things, you’ll likely find new friends who can provide a healthy social support system.
It’s helpful to do things outside of what you’re used to, even if it means doing something as little as going to a different restaurant or sitting outside in the sun for an hour.
7. Engage in emotional or spiritual practices daily
By engaging in spiritual or emotional activities each day, you learn to become more connected with yourself and your feelings.
For me, yoga is an emotionally cathartic practice that makes me feel less stressed, more relaxed, and more in-tune with myself.
Whether you engage in yoga, prayer, meditation or other spiritual practices, know that these are all good stepping stones for fighting off negative thoughts and emotions.
8. Don’t judge yourself
In addition to feeling down because of whatever put you in a slump, you also tend to feel negatively about how you’re feeling.
When you know that you should be productive but feel depressed and sluggish, you’re likely to judge yourself and criticize your emotions. Needless to say, this does very little to help you feel better.
Don’t judge yourself for feeling down. You can’t help the way you feel.
You can, however, feel poorly and still do things that will help you be productive.
You can be miserable and still do homework. Sure, it won’t be fun, but you can make it happen.
Don’t be too hard on yourself when it comes to how you feel. Rather, try to accept your feelings and find ways to cope with them in your daily life.
9. Read or watch something motivational to get you going
If you find that the hardest part of the day is just getting out of bed, you might find it helpful to read or watch something inspiring. This can help you get motivated and get going in the morning and can fuel your actions throughout the rest of the day.
Read some more inspiringarticles on Vishnu’s site, follow motivational social accounts, or watch some inspiring YouTube videos. These are all easy things you can do from your smartphone while you’re still in bed in the morning, so you can get inspired and start your day when you are ready.
It can be so easy to let your anger, worries, depression or fear get the better of you in life. But if you don’t do anything to pick yourself up and actively fight against your slump, you’re not even living – are you?
I hope that some of the things I’ve talked about today will resonate with you and inspire you to bounce back and live a productive life in 2015.
You can’t change how you feel, but you can take some of these actions I mentioned above to be productive and get things done.
Start today.
Kayla Matthews is a productivity blogger with a passion for positive thinking and self-improvement. To read more of her latest posts, follow her on Google+ and Twitter, or at ProductivityTheory.com.
“The prerequisite to true freedom is to decide that you do not want to suffer anymore.” – Michael Singer
Imagine some of the most painful moments in your life.
Do you think about them often? Does your mind plague you with internal chatter about what happened in the past?
Do you continue to question, replay and rethink what has happened to you?
Do your thoughts (or your “inner roommate,” as Michael Singer calls them) preoccupy your mind and your life?
In The Untethered Soul, Singer shows you how to become more aware of your thoughts, acknowledge your inner being and free yourself from the trappings of your inner turmoil.
You can tone down the internal chitter-chatter and “neurotic bursts of conflicting dialogue” in your mind.
In this book, Singer offers the gift of a peaceful mind and an uncaged soul.
1. Become aware.
“You are behind everything, just watching. That is your true home,” Singer writes.
The Untethered Soul reminds you of two points: that there’s you and then there’s the sensitive person inside you. Every day, observe this internal being.
“Simply watch that sensitive part of you feel disturbance. See it feel jealousy, need, and fear…If you pay attention, you will see that they are not you; they are just something you’re feeling and experiencing,” writes Singer.
Singer reminds you that you are a different person internally than you are externally. Internally, you observe what is going on in your life. When you’re at your center or core, you can witness and even appreciate the difficult experiences you’re encountering.
You sit in a seat of awareness and watch these disturbances and emotions pass you by. You become aware of the drama taking place in the movie of your life.
“Once you learn that it’s okay to feel inner disturbances, you will be free. You will begin to be sustained by the inner energy flow that comes from behind you,” writes Singer.
By being in this state of centeredness, “you can walk in the world and the world will never touch you. That’s how you become a free being – you transcend.”
2. Decide that you do not want to suffer anymore.
You’re constantly shaken up on the inside.
External events take hold of your mind, your soul and your psyche. You regularly think about life’s disturbances.
First your thoughts bother you, continually hammering away at your peace.
Then your emotions bother you, leading your heart and soul to continuous discomfort.
Singer says that you don’t have to be a prisoner of your psyche.
You do not have to engage with your mind.
Disengage. Sit quietly and observe yourself. Become aware of your anxious psyche and thinking mind. Stop looking for solutions and stop expecting that your mind will fix your internal problems.
When someone cuts you off in traffic, is rude to you or doesn’t talk to you, free yourself by disengaging.
Do not get involved with the mechanical, droning thoughts your mind repeats.
The only action you should consciously take is to relax and release.
Singer encourages you to refrain from playing mind games.
“Just be there, noticing that you notice. It’s like taking inventory. Just check what’s going on – heart, mind, shoulders, etc.,” he writes.
“You’re just there, aware that thoughts and emotions are being created around you, while the world unfolds before your senses.”
By consciously choosing not to play mind games, you become more aware of the inner drama your mind creates. By refusing to engage, you set the stage for soul freedom.
No more engagement with your mind and psyche.
Only observance and awareness.
Your external life is a play. A movie, even.
Learn that the way you process and deal with external circumstances is also a movie – something you should watch. You’re not the actor and you don’t have a part to play.
“Right in the midst of your daily life, by untethering yourself from the bondage of your psyche, you actually have the ability to steal freedom for your soul. This freedom is so great it has been given a special name – liberation.”
3. Learn to accept.
You may have had emotional problems, childhood situations and past pain that scarred you on the inside.
Emotional damage has caused you to struggle with the events you currently face.
You won’t open yourself to the present because you fear previous circumstances.
When you live like this – clinging to the past and resisting the present – you are wasting your life.
If you learn to accept events as they develop, you won’t see them as problems.
“If you don’t have fear or desire about an event, there’s really nothing to deal with. You simply allow life to unfold and interact with it in a natural and rational manner,” Singer says.
If you refuse to compare past circumstances and relationships to current circumstances and relationships, you will have a newfound appreciation for your present experience.
It is what it is. You’re not resisting the present; instead, you’re surrendering to it.
“Learn to stop resisting reality, and what used to look like stressful problems will begin to look like the stepping-stones of your spiritual journey.”
4. Be willing to be open.
You want to protect yourself from pain.
Yet Singer reminds you that once you close your heart to pain and emotional disturbances, you spend a lot of time and energy protecting the safe place you’ve created.
Instead of holding onto things and closing off your heart, be willing to experience the disturbances. Sit fully in the pain’s depth.
If past or present hurts have annoyed or upset you, be open and become aware of them.
“A thought or emotion emerges, you notice it, and it passes by because you allow it to,” Singer says. “This technique of freeing yourself is done with the understanding that thoughts and emotions are just objects of consciousness.”
Further, Singer says that when you experience these things you won’t continue to harp on them. You won’t become preoccupied and focused on them, repeatedly experiencing them.
“You just let go. It’s simply a matter of taking the risk that you’re better off letting go than going with the energy. When you’re free from the hold the energy has on you, you will be free to experience the joy and expansiveness that exists within you.”
In Singer’s eyes, the way to attain freedom for your soul is to let go of yourself. Whenever you experience strong negative energy because of everyday annoyances and irritations, simply relax and release.
“If you don’t hold these issues inside, you can go about your life without getting psychologically damaged. No matter what events take place in life, it is always better to let go than to close.”
5. Let go.
“The law is very straightforward: When your stuff gets hit, let go right then because it will be harder later. It won’t be easier if you explore it or play with it, hoping to take the edge off,” Singer says.
“No matter what goes on below you, open your heart and let it go. Your heart will become purified, and you will never know another fall.”
Singer encourages you to release the sensitivity and pain you’re clinging to. If you open up internally and let go of the negativity you’re experiencing, you will release the blocked energy within you.
“When it’s released and allowed to follow up, it becomes purified and merges back into your center of consciousness. This energy then strengthens you instead of weakening you.”
Regardless of what you experience or how heavy, pained or irritated something makes you feel, choose to let go. It’s the only way to grow spiritually, as it will prevent the disturbance or offense from hampering you for the rest of your life.
6. Do not fear inner pain and disturbance.
Do you try to avoid pain? Do you run away from it at all costs?
I know I do. I have tried to create boundaries so I don’t have to experience discomfort or pain.
Singer says there’s no reason to fear internal pain.
He asks you to think of pain as something temporary, simply passing through your system.
If you don’t get comfortable with pain in your life, “you will react by closing in order to protect yourself. Once you close, your mind will build an entire psychological structure around the closure.”
An alternative is to experience the pain momentarily, then release it.
View pain as energy flowing through your body. “Stay open and receptive so you can be present right where the tension is. You must be willing to be present right at the place of tightness and pain, and then relax and go even deeper. This is very deep growth and transformation.”
If you resist pain, it will haunt you even more.
Simply experience, face and release the pain you store in your heart. On the other side of that pain are beauty, love, joy and peace. So are, Singer says, ecstasy, freedom and true greatness.
When you open yourself to the pain traveling through you, you become free and pain will never again bother you. It won’t remain, but will disappear as the energy of its fire goes up in smoke.
Once you transform pain into deep love and experience – the beauty on the other side of pain – you will find soul freedom.
When you are willing to pay this price for soul freedom, you will experience great spiritual growth.
Anyone who tells you that confidence is an innate quality isn’t telling you the truth.
Confidence isn’t a trait that some people have and others don’t.
I am not a naturally confident person.
I used to worry about what people thought of me. I feared being awkward or saying the wrong thing. Many times, I was unsure of myself.
The good news is that I grew out of this.
I did so by building my confidence muscle, being around confident people and taking notes on effective confidence-boosting strategies.
In my previous life, I helped run campaigns for candidates seeking public office. I worked closely with some of the most confident people you can imagine.
I began to notice similarities among the political candidates I worked with. I also came to realize that not all of these people had been confident their entire lives. Sure, a couple had been, but many political candidates are continually building their confidence.
The secret about confidence is out. Anyone can be confident if they shift their mindset and constantly work at it.
You can be confident too.
As your confidence soars, you’ll stand out at work, easily carry on conversations at social events, meet more people and live a richer life.
Here are 6 ways you can boost your confidence to become the person you’ve always wanted to be:
1) Accept yourself for who you are.
The reason you’re not confident in yourself is that you don’t love and accept yourself.
It’s not your fault. Since your early days, you received conditioning from your parents and other adults who put you down and discouraged you.
You listened to negativity in the form of doubt and criticism.
You can’t go back and change the past, but you can avoid becoming a victim of it.
You can work on loving yourself. You can use positive affirmations that confirm all the wonderful things about yourself. You can remove negative people from your life.
You can treat yourself more kindly by finding work that suits you. You can find more inner peace by practicing gratitude and forgiveness daily.
You can feel your feelings and your pain more. You can embrace your vulnerabilities and manage the inner voice that halts your progress.
You can also live a more authentic life.
Live in line with your values and with what’s important to you as a person.
When you’re living your truth and not hiding behind a mask, you feel comfortable with yourself and present your true face to the world.
2) Delete the disempowering stories that you tell yourself.
In your mind, do you replay past mistakes, screw-ups and failures?
Do you unwittingly tell yourself that you are your past? And do you let past events create the belief system you hold today?
Consider past circumstances that you believe indicate you aren’t good enough, smart enough or competent enough.
Do you see how they were isolated situations? You’re not a failure just because you failed one time.
You’re not a reject if you faced rejection one time.
Acknowledge the stories you’ve created about yourself.
Know that the stories you tell about your lack of confidence are simply NOT TRUE.
You created the stories. You took individual situations, linked them together and created powerfully strong beliefs about yourself.
Once you realize it’s a story, you can change it. You can write the story of how, over time, you learned to be confident.
3) Change the script that goes through your mind.
Growing up, did you listen to parents and loved ones who put you down, doubted you and undermined you?
Or to teachers, authority figures and neighbors who thought they were mentoring you when they were actually destroying your self-worth?
People think they’re providing sound advice when they’re actually hurting you and creating an unhelpful script in your mind.
However, you can change this script.
Try a mindfulness practice that catches the various thoughts bouncing around your brain.
Try affirmations and neuro-linguistic programming to reprogram your subconscious mind.
Listen to positive, confidence-building words and statements to help you flip your internal script.
4) Get into a confidence zone.
Did you know you can enter a state of confidence?
Imagine that you’re in a drama class, and your instructor asks you to act like a confident person for a couple of minutes. Could you do it? How would you act? What would your confident behaviors be?
Would you change your body language? Your posture? Your stance? Would you stick out your chest a little more?
You know what confidence looks like.
You’ve met confident people and at different points in your life have been confident yourself. You’ve seen what confidence looks like in your favorite television characters and movie heroes.
Stand up straight. Take up more room around you. Walk with a beat in your step. Before you enter an interview or networking event, practice Amy Cuddy’s tips concerning power poses.
Channel and become the confident person you visualize yourself to be.
5) Take small steps of confidence.
You don’t change from a shy person to Mindy Kaling overnight.
The best way to build your confidence is to challenge yourself and take small steps of confidence.
Talk to someone you normally wouldn’t. Introduce yourself to a stranger at the next office party.
Raise your hand and your voice. Speak up at the meeting.
Attend that social event with a friend.
Take the smallest step you can think of to move toward confidence. One confident action builds upon another.
Chatting with someone new gives you the courage to talk to a small group of people. And speaking to a small group of people gives you the courage to get on a stage and deliver a speech to a larger audience.
6) Develop a healthy relationship with rejection and failure.
Often, we experience one rejection and think that we are permanent failures.
We to talk to one person and don’t have a positive experience.
We try to sell someone on our idea, and that person shoots it down.
A rejection here and a rejection there and before you know it, you’ve formed deep-rooted beliefs about yourself.
You start thinking you’re not worthy enough or good enough.
You believe other people don’t like or accept you.
You let a handful of negative opinions stifle your mind and your life.
No one likes rejection and no one likes to fail, but did you know that rejection is a normal part of life? And the fact that someone says “no” to you or turns down your request has nothing to do with you—it has to do with that person.
The most successful and confident people have taken rejection and brushed it aside. They see rejection simply as a part of life.
Instead of letting rejection paralyze you and undermine your self-worth, know that you win some and you lose some.
Sometimes you get what you want and sometimes you don’t. This is perfectly normal. Confident people are those who face rejection and failure over and over again.
The only difference between you and them is that they don’t let their confidence lapses and failures define them or slow them down. They use rejection and failure to keep growing.
A failure is not a failure if you learn from it. A failure can be a lesson.
Remember, confidence isn’t a trait only television stars or popular people have. It’s not a natural or innate quality that some people receive at birth.
Anyone can become confident if he or she is willing to work on it.
You can become confident by accepting yourself and changing your mind’s script. Take small confidence-boosting steps and work on confidence behaviors to become the confident person you’re capable of being.
I help people overcome their devastating breakups and divorces and find love again. Instead of visiting the Himalayas, sign up below and join me. I am taking a writing break but will be back soon.
This guide is free. A ticket to the Himalayas is $2000. Your move.
