by Vishnu | Nov 2, 2014 | Love and Relationships, Perspective, Vulnerability
“Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.”—Maya Angelou
Your wedding day is filled with hope, dreams and unbounded expectations of happiness and joy.
And if you’re Indian, it’s filled with over-the-top ritualistic exercises that remind you that marriage is a soulful (permanent) union to last the rest of your life (and maybe even a few lives after). Your ceremony symbolizes the planets aligning, families joining and even ancestors waking from the dead to celebrate your coming together.
The flower garlands you place around each other’s necks sing with angelic praise, blessing your future life together. The fire ceremony calls for divine intervention and blessings. Every step around the fire confirms your unending loyalty, commitment and sacred vow to stick together throughout this glorious ride.
So you can imagine how separation and divorce go over in a marriage (and culture) like this.
(Stop the music!)
Not very well.
When the flower petals lose their fragrance, the gold stops glittering and the whispers of sweet nothings turn first into bitterness and then silence, thousands of thoughts enter your mind.
Is there something wrong with me?
Am I good enough?
Am I attractive enough? Kind enough? Nice enough? Loving enough?
Am I broken? Unfixable? Unlovable?
Following my divorce, so many thoughts ran through my mind and have continued to occupy my thoughts and my life for the past three years.
These are thoughts you experience while going through the most profound and deep-rooted pain. When the world as you know it shakes you up violently and your heart shatters into a million sharp-edged pieces.
If you’ve gone through a divorce or are going through a breakup now, you can’t imagine better days ahead. You’re in a place of darkness and hopelessness. You think it’s never going to get any better.
You can’t get out of bed.
You can’t think about anything but the pain and sadness you’re experiencing.
You think you can’t trust anyone ever again.
A divorce sadder than a melodramatic Bollywood movie and Jennifer Aniston’s love life.
When my heart was broken after my divorce, I wallowed in sorrow, marinated in self-pity and basked in sadness.
The person whom I had counted on being there for the rest of my life was no longer in it. The person whom I had envisioned all my dreams with and whom I had planned my future with was out of the picture.
The exchange of wedding vows and flower garlands and the tying of the knot (a sacred golden necklace that we call a thali) replay in my mind.
Rituals and traditions that had so much meaning suddenly become meaningless.
When something so tumultuous occurs in your life, you hope you’re in a nightmare and will awaken soon.
But then you realize that you are awake and that everything happening in your life is real: the heartbreak, pain and loss.
As you grieve, you try to find ways to believe again. To become vulnerable again. To trust again. To open yourself to another relationship in your life.
And you know what? It’s damn hard.
It’s hard to put yourself out there, even though the possible pleasure far outweighs the pain you’ve experienced.
You won’t be as excited about that game of laser tag after you’ve served a couple years of military duty with the 2nd battalion in Afghanistan.
And you’ll certainly stay out of the Florida swamplands if Gretchen the alligator once took a bite out of your ankle.
It’s safer to write off the world and sit with cynicism.
It’s drier under the umbrella of pain than it is frolicking in the cloudy weather where violent storms await.
But you can go forward and walk away from that umbrella.
Why? Because maybe, just maybe, there’s not a violent downpour out there.
Maybe there’s sunshine out there.
There’s love out there.
There’s healing out there…
…and there’s wholeness out there.
Are you willing to step out and learn to trust again after heartbreak and pain? Are you willing to let someone else, someone new, into your life after your divorce?
Here are tips on healing a bruised and broken heart: 9 ways to trust again in your next relationship.
1. You’ve acquired experience; some call it wisdom.
You can’t pay for wisdom but you can acquire it through your life experiences. A broken trust and a broken relationship can be great sources of learning and reflection.
You now know that people can be untrustworthy, that everything they say is not true and that their actions might not reflect their intentions.
You know what to look for and you know the warning signs in a relationship.
Hopefully, you have a better idea of what trust looks like and you’re better able to recognize trustworthy people in your life.
You might not have asked for it, but you’ve received a priceless and lifelong lesson about trust that you can now use in every aspect of your life.
2. Learn to have healthy expectations.
No one gets married thinking they’re going to get divorced.
No one goes to their stockbroker thinking they are going to lose money.
And certainly no one goes on a trip around the world thinking they are going to get SARS!
But life happens. Just because we don’t see it coming or can’t imagine it happening doesn’t mean that life won’t get rocky at times.
If you were jaded and idealistic before, you’re welcome! Life’s woken you up to realize that people change, circumstances change and relationships change.
You’re learning that changes happen, even the most unwelcome ones. You can now live life expecting change, which means you’ll experience less shock and despair in the future.
You’ll not only learn to survive the winds of change, you’ll be able to successfully navigate your sailboat for the rest of your life.
Also, you’ll set healthier expectations. Things don’t necessarily happen the way you want them to. The more you want things to go a certain way in a relationship, the more disappointment you’ll face if you don’t get it.
In terms of my own experience, I didn’t reach the point of “no expectations,” but now I’m more realistic about what can happen: the good, the bad and the unpredictable. All circumstances are possible.
3. People might break your trust and it has nothing to do with you.
“How could he?” or “How dare he?”
You immediately think that when someone does something hurtful or harmful, he or she has it out for you.
Maybe. Or maybe not.
Others are going through their own journeys in life. They are at different places than your own. They change. They have different perspectives. They are on their own paths toward healing and growth.
Theirs just might not coincide with yours.
They’re human. They might have made mistakes.
They might not have known what they were doing.
They might not realize until later what a good thing they had going.
The point is, the way they hurt you or broke your heart may have nothing to do with you. It’s very likely that it has to do with them. In this case, “it really isn’t you, it’s me.”
If you don’t feel as though your ex was intentionally sabotaging you, you’re less likely to take everything he or she did as a vendetta against you. You’re less likely to feel the sting of your ex’s wrongdoing. Less likely to see yourself as a victim.
4. Learn to trust yourself. Listen to your intuition.
You’ve been learning about trust from your partner, but how about learning to trust yourself?
Go with your gut feelings and be more open to your internal voice. That’s your intuition speaking, but we hardly pay it any attention.
The more in tune you are with your intuition and your inner voice, the smarter decisions you’ll make about people. And the smarter you’ll get about trusting others.
Create more silence or complete a mindfulness practice to tap into your intuition. When you have too much internal noise, you’ll have a hard time tuning in and listening to your deepest, most sacred voice.
5. Know that heartbreak breaks you open to trust more genuinely.
You’re probably thinking that your separation or divorce is the hardest thing that has happened to you—and you’re probably right.
The pain and suffering that comes with heartbreak and divorce is brutal, but it is life changing as well.
When you’re broken open, you’re ready for your life’s greatest breakthrough.
Through the pain, suffering and broken dreams, you’ll find yourself. The masks that we all wear, as well as all the other BS, drop away so that we see ourselves as we really are.
From this more authentic place, you’re able to see the superficiality around you and the games people play.
When you’re coming from a place of authenticity and truth, you can connect more freely with others and have a better sense of whom to trust.
6. Think of people you trust and how you have many trustworthy people in your life.
Sometimes our recent experiences cultivate false beliefs.
You might think that just because your relationship ended, everyone else will try to end their relationship with you.
Or you might believe that everyone is a heartbreaker. Or that trusting others is simply setting yourself up for failure and disappointment.
But for every false belief you have, you likely can look around and find contrary beliefs and examples.
If you look around in your life, you likely have a group of trustworthy and supportive people surrounding you.
And if you look at your past relationships and experiences, you’re likely to think of many trustworthy people who have crossed your path in life. Don’t permit one life event to color your view of the world.
Leave disempowering beliefs behind. Know that there are trustworthy people out there and keep those people close to you to remind yourself that a trusting relationship is possible.
7. Your past experiences don’t have to repeat.
Just because you experienced and ended your last relationship with pain doesn’t mean you’ll see more of that in the future.
Your past does not have to repeat.
You’re smarter now, you’re wiser now and you’ve at least learned what kinds of people not to trust.
You’re more familiar with untrustworthy behavior and know the kinds of people who will let you down.
When you have more insight about yourself and other people, you make smarter decisions about trust.
8. Take small steps of courage to open up to trust again.
If you’re ready to trust again, start by forgiving the people who hurt you. Release them from your life by forgiving them, no matter how badly they let you down or broke your heart.
Start trusting people by their actions and not by their words.
See how people respond to small commitments.
Does he say what he’s going to do? Show up when he says he will?
Does he keep his promises to you?
Does he flake on dinner with a last-minute text? Does he disappear to the bathroom when the check shows after dinner?
Pay attention to red flags.
Build relationships over time and see if the person you’re dating keeps up with small commitments. Don’t jump in like you did the first time.
Send the charmers, the smooth talkers, the big promisers and the showmen on their way.
9. You’re now able to make room for a more trustworthy relationship.
Now that you’re divorced, you’re single again and have more time and space to invite a new relationship into your life.
You can evaluate each person whom you invite into your life, testing his or her trustworthiness. You can be more selective.
You can better listen to yourself. You’re more knowledgeable about what to look for. You’re a survivor of relationships that lacked trust.
You’re ready for a person who’s going to commit, a person who’s going to stay. You’re ready for the one.
“Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness,” Eckhart Tolle has said. “How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you’re having at the moment.”
Your journey has brought you to this place today, where you’re more ready than ever for a happy and healthy relationship.
If you enjoyed this post, please share it with your friends via Facebook, Twitter or Google+ Thank you for sharing. *Photo credit amrufm
by Vishnu | Oct 24, 2014 | Love and Relationships
Is this going to last ...after tonight?
A guest post by Uju Morah
“To live in the hearts of those we love is not to die.”—Carrie Bradshaw
A friend found true love at a shopping mall.
It was love at first sight.
The man who is now her husband felt an instant connection with her as soon as she walked in.
They met up later that evening. She never thought their relationship would work, but as time went on, she found that they had strong feelings for each other. They were ready to put their best into the relationship, without unrealistic expectations of each other. They trusted that love would sustain them, and it did.
True love—does it exist? I have heard from quite a few people who insist that there is nothing like it.
Love is seen as a deep feeling. It has no particular definition. Love can appear in different ways to different people, and each person experiences love differently. Sometimes you just can’t explain those feelings.
How the feelings came, you just can’t tell. I know you’re saying to yourself, “Love is pain.” Yes, love can be felt with pain because of the bad experiences that people go through with it. These bad experiences can result from being with the wrong partner, being with a partner who strays from the relationship, or being with a partner who is not able to commit.
True love isn’t just about moonlight and candlelight, but about a strong desire to commit.
Perfect relationships don’t exist. You might see couples on the street or at the mall, all “loved up,” kissing, hugging, and you envy them. You start imagining how horrible your own relationship is. However, chances are that these “lovey-dovey” couples have their own ups and downs.
What you see is only what they choose to show you—their “highlight reel.”
Love on its own doesn’t have to hurt. It’s a beautiful feeling.
Good relationships don’t just happen; they require time, patience, and two people who truly want to work together to create something meaningful.
Love might not survive on its own if it’s not constantly worked on.
All too often, I’ll hear people say, “I just found my soul mate. I feel lucky.” Simply finding your soul mate isn’t some type of magic trick that leads to lifelong love. You must take complete responsibility for a relationship to make it last.
How do you know it’s true love that you feel?
Here are some of signs indicating that you’re truly in love with your partner:
You have a strong longing for each other. Sometimes you feel like you don’t want to hang out with your friends, but with only your partner. I had a friend who turned down my offer to go to the movies because she felt more happy being with her boyfriend. It’s a good sign, but be careful that, in doing this, you don’t push away friends who care about you.
Your partner becomes an important part of your life. You are able to sacrifice things for him or her. You put his or her first on your schedule. It’s no longer all about you.
You are always up and doing. You become available for him or her, whenever he or she needs you. You’re always willing to be there for him or her because you care.
You become genuinely interested in whatever makes him or her happy. You wish to know about his or her past, and his or her favorite movies and shows. He or she lives in your heart.
You wish to be connected to his or her friends and family, even to the point of joining them for an all-night dinner or attending events with them. You also let your close friends know about him or her.
You become comfortable around him or her. You’re able to be yourself and do anything in his or her presence without worrying about being condemned or judged.
How to make true love last?
1. Relationships take a lot of compromise and giving. They don’t involve loving someone simply because you want to gain something from him or her. Seek to give more than you can take; love because you can.
2. Love is caring for your partner physically and emotionally. Love also means feeling empathy, meeting each other’s needs, and supporting your partner when he or she needs you.
3. Love means maintaining your identity even while caring for another person or being emotionally interdependent.
4. Couples who maintain the same belief systems have the ability to build stronger relationships.
There’s no secret formula for true love. It thrives when partners commit to each other with love and respect.
True love is satisfying: an endless space that makes you feel full.
True love happens accidentally, in a heartbeat, in a single flashing, throbbing moment.
Uju Morah is a passionate blogger and a love coach who loves her work. She is currently into voluntary services in yoga training and writes at www.tinyphoenixx.blogspot.com *Photo credit pedrosimoes7
by Vishnu | Oct 12, 2014 | Abundance, Finance
You may have grand schemes of hitting the lottery or marrying George Clooney Leonardo DiCaprio to pay off your mounting debts.
Who doesn’t?
In the meantime, you need to get out of debt, sort out your financial life, and start having some sense of control over your finances.
I’ll be honest—I’ve never had the best financial systems in place. Even when I was a practicing lawyer or had other high-paying jobs, I didn’t seem to get how finances worked. My money seemed to disappear pretty quickly every month.
It sure doesn’t help a marriage when you’re constantly in debt, juggling money from one account to another, and trying to stay current on everything that you owe.
No one ever teaches you about money.
How do you save it, how do you manage it, how do you have enough of it to feel comfortable? How do you not look out your window every morning, hoping that the auto dealer isn’t going to swing by and take back your car?
During my divorce, I experienced my greatest uncertainty about money. Not only did I have debts that I had accumulated during my marriage, I had new expenses sprouting every day, thanks to the fact that I was now living on my own and setting up another household.
I had to start over financially because I had no choice. I was tired of not having enough and constantly feeling behind on my finances.
I read books, got disciplined, and picked up an invaluable tip from my bro, Ramit Sethi. (No, we’re not related in any way, but I did grow up in Sacramento and went to a slightly better high school in town than he did 🙂 ) Go Eagles!)
Since that time, I’ve been able to cut my debt, save money, and take months off at a time to travel. Being financially responsible and being able to manage my finances took sacrifice and discipline.
But with sacrifice and discipline came the ability to breathe easier. So did peace of mind.
I don’t know where you are in your life right now, but if you’re facing a major shake-up, such as a divorce or being kicked out of your parents’ home to fend for yourself, you’ll want to follow these 12 action steps to get your finances back on track.
1. Know how much your monthly expenses are.
The first thing I would suggest that you do is to gain some idea of what you’re spending every month.
Yes, you should keep track of all your expenses, but more importantly, you should know which expenses you are absolutely required to meet. I’m talking critical expenses that you have no choice but to pay, such as your car loan, rent or mortgage payment, student loans, and basic utilities like light and electricity.
Know what your required financial obligations are every month. Staying in the dark about what you’re expected to pay will only keep you in the dark about your finances.
2. Count up your debts.
Similarly, figure out how much you owe. What is the total amount of your current debts? Count up the balance of every credit card you own, the outstanding loan payment for your car, and your student loan payments. Try to get as accurate a number as possible.
Also, what is the minimum amount that you have to pay on your debts every month? What is the total of all the debt payments due? For example, if you’re required to pay $200 on a credit card, $300 on a student loan, and $400 for your car payment, your monthly required debt obligation is $900.
3. Determine how much you have left.
After calculating your monthly expenses and becoming aware of your monthly financial obligations (in other words, your debts), the next factor to consider is how much money you have left.
If you don’t have any money left after paying off your basic financial obligations, you have a problem. If you have met your basic financial obligations but you aren’t attacking your debt, you also have a problem, one that, though less urgent than the first scenario, you’ll still need to work on.
Either way, knowing how much you have left for spending money every month will give you a better idea of where you stand.
4. Plan your spending.
Some people would call this a budget, but many other people hate the word “budget.” So how much are you going to spend every month and for what? At the beginning of every month, or even for just one month, determine how you will distribute your personal salary. Organize and plan your spending ahead of time!
How much are you going to pay for required monthly expenses? How much will go toward your debts? How much will go toward your rent or mortgage? Know exactly how much money will go where, and how much you will have left over to spend.
5. Reduce your lifestyle.
You knew at some point that you were going to hear this. You may not like it, but here’s one of the most important things that I did to reduce my monthly expenses.
I reduced my lifestyle.
What does this mean? It means that you might have to move out of your current home, move in with someone else, or even get a roommate. It means lowering the cost of your lifestyle. It means paying cheaper rent in a less desirable place. It means a more modest car. It means less eating out and more cooking in.
You have to look at your finances and seek alternatives to scale back your life. If you’re living a $100,000 lifestyle on a $75,000 income, you have a problem. Cut back your lifestyle to meet your expenses. Move. Buy another car or take public transit if possible. Shop at grocery stores that are farther away from home, but where the food is cheaper.
6. Cut out expenses.
The rebuilding and repairing stage of your financial comeback is also a time for sacrifice.
It’s time to cut out expenses for things that you don’t absolutely need. Bottled water service—cut. Cable—cut. Dry cleaning your clothes—cut. Paid gardeners or landscapers—cut. Eating out several times a week—cut. And sorry, Ramit, but if you have a regular coffee habit or daily frozen yogurt habit—cut. Manicures and pedicures—cut. Well, okay, fine, maybe just reduce the number of times that you go to the beauty salon.
What are your pleasurable habits, unnecessary expenses, and things that you can live without every month? Whatever they are, if they’re not required and not absolute necessities, cut them out. How much will the act of reducing your expenses put back into your pocket every month? How much of that additional savings can you put toward paying off your debt?
7. Automate.
This is the Ramit Sethi tip that changed my financial life. Ramit has a 12-minute video that you can watch here. In a nutshell, Ramit encourages you to set up automatic payments every month with every paycheck so that you essentially can’t touch the money that you’ve designated for your monthly expenses.
Automate so that on pay day, your money goes directly to your landlord, your utility companies, your student loan payment, and your car payment. Before you get a chance to figure out how to blow your money for the month, automatically make the money disappear so that it covers your required financial obligations. Use your computer and online payment systems to meet all your monthly obligations.
With this strategy, you won’t make your financial commitments your last priority, but your first priority.
One super-effective thing that I did was to include my credit card debts in this automated system. At one point, I had $500 of every paycheck going strictly toward paying off credit cards.
If you get disciplined about this system, you’ll dramatically improve your financial picture. You’ll know, on the day that you receive your paycheck, how much money you have left over to pay for other things after you pay your expenses. You’re less likely to waste your money when you know exactly how much money you have.
8. Stop splurging and start cutting your spending.
Here’s the thing. Most of our lives, we are not going to find the discipline or motivation to stop spending because it’s just too easy to buy stuff.
We are constantly teased, marketed to, and sold to by ever-hungry retailers and marketers. They’ll tell you that you should look more stylish, that you should drive a fancier car, or that you’re “thinking different” because of the laptop that you’re using.
The best time to stand up to these marketing ploys and to your own inner desire to spend money frivolously is when you’re at rock bottom. When you’re in a desperate situation and your finances seem out of your hands, that’s the time to reign in the spending and stop buying the things that are unnecessary in your life.
Promise yourself that you will commit to spending nothing frivolously. You’ll spend money only if absolutely necessary for your health and well-being. Commit to ending the spending on clothes, shoes, bags, and Apple products.
A question to ask yourself before a purchase: “Is this purchase required for me to stay alive, have a roof over my head, or be able to eat?” I know, it’s kinda drastic, but if the answer is “no,” don’t buy it!
And you’re not going to live like this for ever – just until you get on solid financial ground.
9. Spend your time and energy on “no-cost” activities.
You might say, “All this sounds great, Vishnu, but should I just call it a day and quit living my life?” If all of these measures sound absolutely boring and stringent, and it seems as though I’m sucking all the fun out of your life, here’s what you can do.
Start taking part in activities that don’t cost money. There’s no better time to start reading those books that you’ve bought in the past, to renew your library card, or to nurture your writing habit. There’s no better time to research, learn about, and get creative about ways to make money. There’s no better time to read blogs that help you simplify your life, get a freelance gig or get a better job.
Instead of dinner out with your friends, how about Netflix and a potluck? Instead of a fancy night at the theater, how about a high school play for a fraction of the cost? Instead of a 49ers football game, how about a Friday night football game at Paly High School?
Free museums and cultural shows? Beaches and parks that don’t charge admission? Free tourist spots in the town where you live? Now you’re getting the idea!
10. Cut up your credit cards.
This might be the last straw for you. How dare I ask you to end the credit card spending? Okay, fine, you don’t have to close your credit card. I’m just asking you to cut it up. Huh?
Here’s the theory—keep your credit card open. You can always call and order a new one whenever you need it. You’ll get a new card in the mail in about three days. But when you cut up your credit card, it won’t be readily available for use.
What if you really need to purchase something that you don’t have the money for? Exactly.
You don’t purchase it.
I know this is extreme, but if you’re trying to get on solid financial footing, you’ve got to take extreme measures. Cutting up my credit card was one measure that I found useful. If you can take it to the next level, close your credit card completely. For sure, close your credit cards at Macy’s, Nordstrom, and Debenhams.
Whatever you might need to purchase from those stores is not essential for you to live!
11. Spend less time with friends who have expensive tastes and habits.
You might decide to start saving money, but are finding it difficult because your social circle likes expensive things and eats at fancy restaurants.
If you’re serious about cutting your spending, you’ll have to cut back the time that you spend with friends who have expensive habits. The people you spend the most time with are the ones who encourage you to spend. And it’s so hard to say “no.” However, even though saying “no” requires a high degree of discipline, it will help you straighten out your finances.
Even worse than dining at an expensive restaurant is going to an expensive restaurant for a celebration, such as a birthday or engagement party. Not only are you picking up the tab for others, you’re splurging on dinner for yourself. You’re also required to bring a gift.
There’s no better time to reprioritize your friendships and the people you spend time around.
Similarly, at work, think about whether your spending is centered around your colleagues. If you’re spending money on daily lattes and lunches out to maintain friendships at work, you might want to hang with a different set of friends (or let your current friends know that you won’t be able to join them for their daily coffee breaks).
12. Start a savings habit.
In addition to the automatic savings plan that I described above, you might consider setting up a savings account into which you transfer money every month.
Although this might make no sense while you’re in debt, here’s how this strategy helped me. It got me to look past my debts and helped me focus on growing my money. I started thinking about what’s possible. I found out that I could actually have a positive bank balance in my account. I knew that I was saving up for the things that truly mattered to me.
So even if you are in debt and all hell is breaking loose with your finances, automatically sending as little as $25 a month to a savings account can remind you what all of this is about.
It’s about getting rid of your debts, getting control of your finances, and getting control of your life. And when you get your finances under control, you’ll have more independence and freedom in terms of what you can purchase. You can do more things that will help you live a more fulfilling and happy life.
I hope that you’ve found these tips useful and that you will start on the path to financial recovery.
Although hitting rock bottom financially can be painful, there’s no better place to start rebuilding your finances and your financial habits.
Only after you’ve realized all the things that don’t work are you prepared to implement the financial habits that do work.
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* Photo credit Splitshire
by Vishnu | Oct 5, 2014 | Happiness, Inspiration, Motivation, Personal Development
Can you start your day without a cup of Starbucks Caramel Frappuccino or Malaysian Boh tea?
Or make your vacation plans without talking to your personal psychic?
Exactly. Me neither.
If you can’t drink your favorite morning beverage or know what your astrological outlook is, how can you live your life?
Similarly, if you’re a blogger, how can you go it alone?
You can’t.
Fifty percent of blogging involves creating content that helps people. The other 50 percent involves relationships.
So who do I turn to when I need a morale boost, a dash of motivation, or a burst of creativity? Whose blogs helped me turn things around, rebuild my life, and become a better version of myself? Whose blogs do I read for career, coaching and living advice?
These 30 women.
Let me introduce you to 30 powerful voices online that are lanterns of hope, strength, and resilience. I am grateful to every one of them.
Inspirational Bloggers and Coaches
1. Amita Patel—If you’re ready to change your life from the inside out, you should check out Amita’s blog. There’s no better person from whom to learn about changing your life than someone who has done so herself. Do you have a high-pressure family? Check. Have you sought external sources of happiness? Check. Diagnosis? Check. Medication? Check. If you’re curious about how Amita went from being a victim to the hero of her own life, read her blog! Her straightforward, no-nonsense approach will help you change your life.
2. Angel Chernoff—Angel is one half of the Marc and Angel Hack Life blog, which provides practical advice to help others live up to their potential. Her blog is bursting with energy, inspiration, and useful tips on an almost daily basis. When not churning out blog posts that can literally change your life, Angel tweets, shares Facebook posts, and offers Instagram updates that boost the spirit. Her (and husband Mark’s) greatest inspiration and newest addition, baby Mac, makes their updates even more adorable. How long before “Marc and Angel and Mac dot com” comes into existence?
3. Balroop Singh writes the blog Emotional Shadows, and has a very unique voice on the blogosphere. She writes about emotional resilience, happiness, contentment, and more. Her blog is an instant pick-me-up and will always leave you feeling inspired. She offers not only inspiration, but also thought-provoking life questions that make one think. Are contentment and happiness the same thing? What shapes our personalities? What are the meanings behind words like “spirituality” and “happiness”?
4. Bhavana Nissima writes the socially conscious blog Earthwoman. An Indian blogger and writer, Bhavana offers wisdom and advocacy that shines through even her short tweets and Facebook posts. She regularly blogs about women’s empowerment, religion, sexual identity and freedom, relationships, the caste system, and more. Bhavana uses the written word to be a champion not only for women in India, but for women everywhere. Her writings will be discovered around the world before long, and her voice will become a roaring call for women’s equality in India.
5. Caroline Leon transformed her life. Now she chronicles her journey and provides information about how you, as well, can live a limitless life. Via her blog, she writes and coaches about such issues as overcoming fear, loving oneself more, and going after one’s dreams. Caroline’s blog is raw, honest, and vulnerable. Reading her blog will encourage you to go within, to become more aware of the life that you’re living, and to start making improvements.
6. Celestine Chua—I met Celes recently in Singapore and found her to be as inspiring in person as she is online. She’s the founder of the Personal Excellence Blog, and is also a coach, speaker, and media personality. The advice on her blog about relationships, productivity, and purpose is both practical and helpful. Celes openly shares her life experiences and struggles; in so doing, she inspires a global audience to pursue personal excellence. Whenever I read her blog, I feel motivated to do more and to achieve my dreams.
7. Corrine Rodriguez is a Mumbai-based blogger, writer, and motivator who helms the Everyday Gyaan blog. She regularly takes her readers through journeys of gratitude, happiness, and creativity. Corinne uses her life as an example of how to live, how to improve, and how to become a better person. One of her blog’s highlights is the fact that it’s socially conscious and regularly takes on difficult subjects so that they’re brought to light.
8. Debbie Hampton is a survivor of life. Despite decades of depression, a suicide attempt, and an ensuing brain injury, Debbie kept going and stayed strong. At her absolute lowest point in life, after losing her brother and facing the end of her marriage, Debbie found herself in a coma after swallowing 90 pills. From this low point, Debbie decided that she would no longer live in such a manner. Slowly, she recovered and started making radical changes. With the help of various therapies, yoga, meditation, and a keen desire to understand the brain, Debbie made a remarkable comeback. She now dedicates her writing and her blog, The Best Brain Possible, to helping others understand and improve their own brains, focusing on behaviors, emotions, and thoughts.
9. Elle Sommers writes a blog called Reflecting a Life, where she dishes out actionable tips for abundant living. Whatever your dream is, and even if you don’t have one yet, Elle’s blog will help you discover and pursue it, enhancing your life in the process. Whether you are dealing with change, need some encouragement, or are trying to get motivated, you’ll enjoy reading Elle’s blog. It radiates with love, positivity, and abundance.
10. Lilou Mace—Lilou inspired me to quit my job, co-create, start my blog, and live a more conscious life. I’m so grateful for her web-interview series, through which she’s introduced me to leading spiritual thinkers and modern-day philosophers. This series, seen by millions of people, not only motivates viewers, but also teaches them to be better people. Lilou is a reminder that you can do anything you want and that you should go after your dreams. We are watching her online now, but she’ll be hosting the Lilou Mace Television Show before we know it.
11. Lori Gosselin is the blogger behind Life, for Instance. Think of her blog as a porch where you gather to discuss life. How do we deal with failure, overwhelm, despair, and fear? How do we laugh, stay inspired and hopeful, and find happiness in our lives? Lori shows up for coffee in the morning and is usually available throughout the day to check in with her regular customers. A couple years back, Lori lost her 23-year-old son in an accident. Despite this unimaginable life event, Lori got back to writing and blogging. She openly speaks about the loss of her son. Behind every word she writes, I see the soul of one of the most resilient people I know.
12. Luminita Saviuc is the creator of the lighthouse of the Internet, Purpose Fairy. A survivor of life and of a turbulent childhood, Luminita has taken all of her struggles and turned them into one of the Internet’s most illuminating places. If you’re dealing with trauma, pain, heartbreak, or life-crippling circumstances, find your way home by reading Luminita’s writings. Her personal examples and words of wisdom can be both healing and transformational. Her talk at the Mindvalley Awesomenessfest offered one of the most courageous personal stories I’ve ever heard. Look for Luminita on her blog, but also look for her sitting next to Oprah before too long.
13. Swapna Raghu Sanand writes and blogs via Petals from the Heart, where she is extremely honest and open about her personal struggles and challenges. She blogs about how to be a better person, as well as a more resilient and spiritual one. A talented wordsmith, she uses a toolbox of words to tell stories, make us think, make us cry and inspire us. Swapna mixes up her inspirational posts with posts containing book reviews, movie reviews, and tales of motherhood. While she writes book reviews for a global audience, I can’t wait for the day when she shares with us excerpts from the book that she’s going to write herself.
14. Varonica Frye teaches people to hug their fears and go after their dreams. Instead of trying to become fearless, Varonica shows you, through her appropriately titled blog, Hug Your Fear, to live with fear, work through fear, and take action despite your fear. Her courageous blog offers personal examples: how she quit her job, reconnected with her father, reached out to people around the world, and more. I enjoy reading her blog because she regularly introduces us to folks around the world who are facing their fears and taking big actions in pursuit of their dreams. After reading Varonica, you’ll start feeling braver and, eventually, unstoppable.
15. Vidya Sury is a freelance writer, blogger, and author. She shares how-to advice, health tips, inspiring daily reflections about her family, and photos from around Bangalore, where she lives. Vidya is the epitome of inspiration. Each of her posts will bring a smile to your face. If you’re going to a coffee shop, there is no better companion to pull up on your iPad than Vidya. No matter what’s going on in her life, Vidya shows us how she gets through it. In the process, she helps us face our own struggles and life challenges.
16. Zeenat Merchant Syal is a psychological counselor, holistic healer, and writer at Positive Provocations. She’s a spiritual soul who fosters kindness, compassion, and love with every utterance on her blog. If you’re healing from past hurts and pain, and feeling hopeless, visit this online oasis of positivity. When you read Zeenat or follow her on social media, you’ll feel the love! If you’re feeling stuck in life and need a transformation, this is the blog for you.
Career
17. Barrie Davenport—Barrie is a certified life passion coach who helps people find their passions so that they can live their best lives. If you don’t believe you have a life passion, or you’re not sure what yours is, check out Barrie’s blog. In addition to helping people find their way in life, Barrie teaches them to build up their confidence and create good habits that stick.
18. Farnoosh Brock—Since I’m writing only briefly about each woman here, I’ll have to try to limit all the good things that I can say about Farnoosh Brock of Prolific Living. I had the pleasure of meeting Farnoosh in Southern California at (where else?) a green juice café. 🙂 Farnoosh left her corporate job to write and coach others to live their truth. In addition to providing information about living a prolific life, Farnoosh can help you get ahead in your job, quit your job, or determine which job is right for you. Farnoosh is one of the most down-to-earth, friendly, and helpful people you’ll ever meet.
19. Jenny Foss—Jenny Foss is the best friend and coach you need when you’re looking for work, updating your resume, or learning the ins and outs of LinkedIn. She has a true gift for taking job hunting principles and serving them up, through her blog, Job Jenny, in the form of practical, lively, and often funny nuggets of wisdom. So many boring and unhelpful career advice blogs are out there; this is not one of them. If career advice puts you to sleep and you had resigned yourself to staying in your job for the next 50 years, you need Job Jenny on your side. You can either hate your boss, or work with Job Jenny and navigate your career like a boss. Her resume and cover letter kits, like her, are ridiculously awesome!
Business
20. Janet Brent—Janet Brent is a friend; I really do need to meet her, since we chat just about every day, and we’re not that far away from each other geographically. (Of course, she’s never in the U.S., but globe hopping most of the time.) Janet decided to quit the life that she had and live a bigger life, which includes world travel and her own freelancing business. She read all those blogs about becoming a suitcase entrepreneur and actually did it. A graphic artist and freelance designer, Janet helps people create visually appealing e-book layouts and market their e-books. She’s a designer with plenty of heart, wisdom, and courage.
21. Razwana Wahid—Razwana Wahid is a bartender of words and wisdom. That’s a funny way to describe a friend who I turn to for most blogging, coaching, and life questions. If you have an online business and need to stand out, read Razwana’s blog for tagline advice, copywriting tips, and branding help. She doesn’t do “same old” or clichéd; everything she writes is unique and persuasive, and just might make you fall on the floor laughing. It’s also filled with practicality and truth. If you need your online business to reflect how awesome you are and, more importantly, to deliver results, you need Razwana on your writing team.
Wisdom
22. Julie Barrett—Julie reminds you that you’re an intuitive with your own spiritual team. Her spiritual blog offers glimpses into her life story. If you want to better understand yourself and the intuitive voices that guide you, check out Julie’s blog. It’s a great place for self-reflection, learning, and wisdom about how to contact your spirit-guides to live your soul’s purpose. Julie is a great story-teller and has the funniest anecdotes on life (based on her own life)!
23. Lori Deschene—I love Tiny Buddha; I also love Lori Deschene, who runs Tiny Buddha! Lori has created a global community of people who share with and learn from each other. Experience is the best teacher, and every day, on Tiny Buddha, regular people from around the world share their life experiences. Lori is proof that one person can affect and change so many people’s lives. The community that she’s created is a light of hope for many. I’ve acquired so much life wisdom from the Tiny Buddha community, and immeasurably more from Lori, about how to be a compassionate, caring, and generous person.
24. Martha Orlando is a blogger and author of the Glade series of books. She is a prolific writer who simultaneously churns out regular blog posts and novels. Her devotional blog is one of my favorites. She weaves in her observations, personal life events, and devotional stories to inspire each of us to seek the truth. She packs a church sermon and prayer into every one of her posts. If you’re looking for more peace or grace in your life, get your weekly blessings at Martha’s blog.
25. Melissa Tandoc is a former Catholic nun who returned to her worldly life after a decade or so in the order. She’s a friend who inspires in her own quiet and unassuming way via the Ahuv Sheli blog. Steeped in faith, her writings urge us to seek the divine within. Sometimes she writes in parables, and sometimes she writes with poetry, but she always speaks with divine truth. She’s motivated me to live a more purpose-driven and inward-seeking life.
26. Sandra Pawula is a wise teacher who invites her audience to go within, to be more mindful, and to find personal happiness. A visit to her blog will inspire you to slow down and live a softer, gentler life. She makes us think about what we’re doing, why we’re doing it, and how to be more mindful about it. In a world that embraces a fast-paced lifestyle and mindless living, Sandra’s blog is for anyone who wants to go against that norm. If happiness, peace, and inner fulfillment matter to you, sit on Sandra’s porch and take notes. (I don’t mean show up at her house and literally sit on her porch; I mean, visit her blog, Always Well Within.)
Parenting and Home
27. Alex Simpson—Alex is the creative, better (lol), and blogger half of the Rolex couple. She (Alex) and her then-fiancé (Rod) created the celebrity nickname “Ro Lex” or “Rolex” and turned it into a blog after the two met and fell in love. They married and their story became sweeter with the introduction of baby Henry. For plenty of northern California travel photos, how-to tips on raising kids, and ADORABLE baby pics, check out Alex’s blog. Alex (and Rod) are two of the handful of people in the blogosphere whom I’ve met in person. We were friends before our blogs began. I was at their wedding and personally met baby Henry. This blog is one of my favorites.
28. Cathy Taughinbaugh is the writer and coach behind Treatment Talk. Her blog is the go-to place for parents dealing with children who are addicted to drugs and alcohol. She regularly blogs about how to cope with having an addicted child and how to support the child without experiencing the guilt and shame that typically accompanies such a situation. This blog is an essential resource for any parent dealing with the unimaginable. Cathy provides resources, encouragement, guidance, and coaching. I read her blog religiously because it helps people start over and deal with life’s serious problems. It also teaches us how to experience more joy in our lives.
29. Jody Lamb—Imagine that you’re a kid with a parent addicted to drugs or alcohol. To whom would you turn for solace and guidance? Jody Lamb. Jody’s mission in life is to be there for these kids, through her blog, her book Easter Ann Peters, Operation Cool, her talks at schools, and her advocacy. Jody grew up as a child surrounded by alcoholism; however, she has taken that challenging experience and used it as the basis of her efforts to help children cope with similar situations. She not only survived a childhood with alcoholic parents, but has faced other adversity as well. Somehow, she’s been able to roll with it, write fiction about it, and be the voice for countless kids who might not have anywhere else to turn.
30. Wendy Irene—Wendy blogs at Give Love Create Happiness. If Oprah, Martha Stewart, Giada De Laurentiis, and Ina Garten started a blog together, it would look a lot like Wendy’s. In addition to offering delicious vegan recipes and seasonal creative projects, Wendy shares guided meditations that she’s filmed and placed on YouTube to help moms (and all of us) find inner peace. Her gift is to transform healthy eating, meditation, and even household creative projects into things that anyone can do. I can’t wait for Wendy’s blog to become a magazine or television show. 🙂
Check these blogs out and change your life. If you could do me a quick favor and share this with the people you love via Twitter or Facebook, I’d appreciate it!
by Vishnu | Sep 21, 2014 | Love and Relationships, Personal Development, Spirituality
Where have you been all my life?
“Love will immediately enter into any mind that truly wants it.” Course in Miracles
Have you found love to be difficult, challenging, confusing, or painful?
Do you wonder why love isn’t appearing in your life? Why does love seem to have bloomed in everyone else’s life, but not in yours?
Here’s the thing—you might be thinking that love is independent of everything else that’s going on in your life. You can be the way you are and live your life with ego, fear, and lack, but still expect that love will show up.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. Until you deal with some of your internal blocks, fears, and judgments, love will seem far away and hidden.
How you view the world, how you view each person, and how you treat others in all your relationships determine the ways in which love shows up in your life. Your internal judgment, ego, and unkind behavior, even if held only in your mind and heart, affect your relationships.
More than likely, you need a radical shift in your perspective, behavior, and mindset to create a space of love.
If you’ve been thinking, ‘I need more than love; hell, I need a miracle to find the man of my dreams,’ you’re in luck. (It just may take a bit of work.)
Create miracles in your love life.
Gabrielle (Gabby) Bernstein’s book, May Cause Miracles, could be the heart opener for which you’re looking. It was for me.
Do you need a love miracle?
It helped me realize that love is not something for which you go outside looking. Love is something that you first must cultivate inside yourself.
Let me explain.
The book helped me see that many of my thoughts about love and relationships were steeped in my own ego, fears, judgments, and resentments. My internal world, mindset, and self-talk literally created my external relationships and determined the people whom I drew into my life.
Gabby reminded me of the Course in Miracle’s powerful teaching: “Your task is not to seek love but merely to find all the barriers within yourself that have built against it.”
Her book is filled with affirmations, meditations, and tools for shifting your mindset and altering your perspective on love altogether.
She teaches us to consider love holistically. In any situation, the only thing missing is love. When there is fear, there is no love. She considers miracles simply shifts in perspective from fear to love.
When you continually shift from fear to love, you will experience more love in your life in all your relationships—including romantic love.
Are you ready for a miracle-minded approach to love?
Gabby’s book is a 40-day guide for subtle shifts that let you see everyday miracles in your life. Following, I review the six days in week 4 during which she talks about relationships.
Here are six ways to shift your mindset to love so that you’ll see more miracles in your love life.
(For the exercises and daily practices required to live a miraculous life, pick up May Cause Miracles (not an affiliate link), and check out the end of each chapter.)
1. Witness your ego’s drama.
Gabby states that it’s the ego that convinces us that we’re alone, and that encourages us to complete ourselves by finding someone else. Our egos are the reason that we go out looking for a romantic relationship to feel whole.
The ego consumes our lives and, especially in romantic relationships, judges, attacks, compares, and makes our significant others feel more special. Our egos encourage us to feel different and special, and to elevate ourselves in our romantic relationships as well.
Gabby suggests that we become more mindful of our egos in all relationships. Start by witnessing your ego’s false perception of others.
Ask yourself who you judge and attack in your mind. Who do you elevate and make more special? How do you make yourself feel more special? To whom do you compare yourself?
2. Surrender your ego.
It’s very difficult to overcome the ego, which is so pervasive in our lives. Gabby encourages us to surrender—to release ourselves from our egos’ grip by releasing our egos to our inner guides (our voices of love, our internal teachers).
Release your ego for healing to your spirit and inner guide. Go within yourself and choose to see everyone as equal. See everyone as love. Ask the inner guide to teach you love through every encounter you have (not just with your romantic partner).
When you find yourself comparing or judging others, surrender and respond by saying out loud, “I am willing to see love instead of this.”
When you want to make someone feel special or put yourself on a pedestal, say out loud, “I am willing to see love instead of this.”
Surrender to your inner guide to heal your ego and to see the oneness in everyone.
3. Use kindness when the ego runs wild.
Use the tool of kindness to remind yourself that you come from a loving, kind place and that thoughts of kindness will help you remember your truth.
On Day 24, Gabby suggests making kindness your primary goal and to allow genuine altruism and authentic love.
Whenever you judge, feel separation from others, or start attacking others in your mind, use an affirmation like “Kindness created me kind,” or something similar.
Look at your thoughts and actions—are they unkind? Become aware of unkind thoughts. Reflect on how they make you feel, and forgive yourself for your unkind behavior.
“By continuously acknowledging your ego’s behavior, you will weaken the bad habit and transcend the ego’s need to judge,” writes Gabby.
Continue to infuse your day with kind affirmations and intentions so that you are more kind to people.
4. Be aware of your thoughts and judgments of others.
When you judge or attack someone in your mind, you likely do so because you feel a place of lack. Your judgment of others can mirror what you feel about yourself.
“When we send love toward what we want, we feel better about ourselves and thereby experience more love in our own life,” Gabby writes.
Start looking at all your relationships as assignments—opportunities for spiritual growth.
Infuse with loving thoughts all your encounters with people whom you meet each day. Be grateful for the lessons and the growth that different people teach you.
Remember that each person you come across gives you the opportunity to strengthen your miracle mindset through the choice to embrace love over fear.
5. Be happy or be right? The F word.
While the ego refuses to forgive, you can use the F word (forgiveness) to restore your faith in love. “Forgiveness is the answer to true serenity and peace,” writes Gabby.
If you’d rather be happy than be right all the time—forgive. Forgiveness lets you wipe clean the slate and begin anew. It embraces oneness and love in all your relationships.
Consider repeating this affirmation from May Cause Miracles daily:
“With each holy encounter, I choose to forgive and release my ego’s false projections. Forgiveness reminds me that we are one. Each time I have a false thought toward someone, I will choose to forgive the thought and remember that we are one. In turn, I forgive myself.”
Every time your ego is bruised or your mind attacks or judges someone, fall back to peace by forgiving. Chose peace and happiness over your ego (and being right).
6. Honor the moments when you chose love.
As you expand your loving intention toward everyone, spread kindness to others, and forgive others throughout the day, you’ll feel a sense of peace passing over you.
Honor the moments when you’re transforming and growing.
Continue to see love in your most difficult relationships. Find peace and healing in every relationship and encounter that you have. Chose the difficult path of letting go, overcoming, and forgiving. Transcend your fear through your faith in miracles.
Think of every moment that you chose love as a holy moment—a divine encounter. Sit with these moments and let them help you become a more loving person.
In your meditations and prayers, ask that others in your life be guided, protected, and healed from fear. Desire that others have the same happiness and oneness that you have in your life.
Gabby’s book and message are reminders that you can’t simply focus on one special or romantic relationship. Everything in the universe is tied together. How you show up for your neighbor or a total stranger is how love will show up in your life.
If you’re not seeing love and you don’t know why, could it be because you’re not showing up in your most loving, kind, and non-judgmental self each day?
If you’re operating from a place of ego, fear, and lack, you’ll see that in your romance.
Alternatively, if you show up with kindness, love, and abundance, you’ll find that in your relationships, too.
The work to be done is within you. Make the necessary changes to become the loving person whom you’re capable of being. Return to your truth.
You’ll not only start seeing improved relationships, you’ll also miraculously stumble upon the romantic love and partner for whom you’ve been looking.
If you know someone who is looking for love in his or her life, please consider sharing this post via Twitter, Google+, or Facebook. Thank you.
Photo credit @benurs
When my heart was broken after my divorce, I wallowed in sorrow, marinated in self-pity and basked in sadness.
