“Ego says, once everything falls into place, I will find my peace. Spirit says, once I find my peace, everything will fall into place.” ~Marianne Williamson
I fell in love with my best friend last year.
I spent the next 8 months trying to convince him to love me as completely and intensely as I loved him.
I put everything I wanted on the sidelines and was there for him every moment, any time of the day, ditching friends, parties and whatever else may have come along in my life.
All of these things were attempts to insinuate to him that there was no other option than for him to fall madly in love with me.
How could he have not known my desire for him to love and care for me as I did for him?
We were together 24/7, we called each other at the same time, we had this uncanny way of knowing what the other was thinking, we cared about each other a lot, and most of all, my heart was on my sleeve whenever I saw him.
One day, out of the blue, he told me that he had gotten back together with his ex-girlfriend.
Within two short and painful weeks, they had moved back in together, and have recently been talking about marriage.
That’s when it all changed.
This time. I decided it would be the last time: the last time I insert myself into an unhealthy relationship.
This time, things will be different. This time I will not get hurt.
How many times have I said that to myself? Too many to keep track. But this time…this time is different.
Why? Because the best part about this time is that it isn’t about how other people affect me, it’s about me.
This time it is about my friendships, my relationships, my family and my interactions with each of those people.
For the first time, I have taken a holistic approach to healing, incorporating meditation, yoga, the outdoors and journaling, and this time, I think it just may have worked.
Here are 5 life-changing lessons I’ve learned from heartbreak.
1. Find fulfillment and meaning within yourself, not in others.
Often, when you love someone, you put your own needs aside in hopes that making the other person happy will somehow fulfill your own need to be happy.
When they’re happy, you’re happy, so that means you’re happy, right?
That may work for a while, until they’re not in your life anymore.
Then you wake up in the morning, without that person in your life, and you realize that you have no idea what you want to do, where you want to go, or with whom you want to do it, because you now realize that most of your time has been invested in the other person’s wants and needs and in making them happy.
Taking time to check in with your heart and to feel and do what makes you happy is so important.
Because when they are no longer there, you are left empty, and that emptiness cannot be filled with anyone or anything (I’ve tried!).
2. You are responsible for your own emotions.
No one can make you feel anything.
Learn to take responsibility for your own emotions, and allow your friends, family and partner to feel and be responsible for theirs.
You and only you can allow yourself to feel sorrow, hurt, love, or whatever emotion based on your own past experiences.
When you start blaming others for how you are feeling, you get into a real mess.
You may even feel resentful that they’ve moved on, and you are stuck trying to survive the emotional craziness of a break up. How dare they!
You are ultimately responsible for your own happiness, your own sadness, and your ability to heal. And that is an EMPOWERING thought.
3. You have a choice.
“The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.” Alice Walker
You can feel however you want. The key to your joy and peace of mind is in your own hands.
Once you’ve realized that happiness begins with you, you get to choose to be happy, and to learn from every emotion you feel.
Isn’t it interesting that when you choose to be happy, others around you also seem happy?
When you no longer blame others for the situation you are in, there is nowhere else to look but inside.
4. Make yourself a priority.
You have to learn to be selfish.
You have to say “no” to friends and “no” to situations that no longer serve you.
You have to look inside yourself to see what you want, which isn’t always easy, but you’ll find the pay-off to be amazing.
Through selfishness, you will be able to reach more people than ever before.
You will feel emotions more deeply than you have in years, have stronger connections with the people around you, and make new friends who support your journey.
The universe opens up when we listen to our hearts.
5. Learn from your mistakes and be more conscious in your relationships.
You don’t have to say, “why me?” or feel crushed by your break up, separation or divorce.
Each relationship is an opportunity to grow.
Despite the pain, tears and heartbreak, your romantic partner is there to be of service to your life.
They will teach you to love more, forgive more, and let go of your ego more readily.
Once you realize the mistakes you’ve made, you have the choice to not make them again.
You also have the choice to be more responsible for your life, gain more control over your emotions and to choose yourself a little more with each passing relationship.
These are some of the lessons I’ve learned from my last relationship that have helped me become a better and more centered person.
As your heart heals during your journey back to wholeness, you too will have another opportunity to start living a healthier and more heart-centered life.
This time, you’ll have the benefit of these additional insights about yourself to do even better when love comes into your life again.
Do any of these lessons resonate with you? What lessons have you learned from love and heartbreak?
Melanie is an international teacher, traveler and blogger. You can keep up with her journey in China through her blog here: http://jinhua2012.blogspot.com Photo Credit: wwwchun
Imagine random strangers sauntering through your home at all times of the day and night to visit the temple-like prayer room.
If you’ve lived in such a home, you know you’re likely going to need a therapist later in life, join a monastic order or become a spirituality blogger.
And no, not for a second as a teenager did I think it was odd to have strangers and friends seek the blessings of our 3-foot granite elephant God statue, housed in a make-shift prayer room.
Those who visited the friendly Lord Ganesha usually came seeking blessings, peace of mind and stock market insights.
Survey says…“Don’t talk about God!”
While I didn’t ultimately join a cult or spend many years in therapy, I did start a blog which focuses on improving your life and even occasionally mentions God here and there.
So imagine my surprise when I did a reader survey recently and received an overwhelming response from you reminding me that the last thing you wanted to hear about was…God.
You don’t want to read about it and many of us don’t want to even think about it!
And you almost can’t say the word “God” out loud in public places ‘cause people will think you’ve lost your mind.
We are more interested in a game of Angry Birds, Harry Potter novels, Miley Cyrus twerks, Kim Kardashian selfies and what the new royal baby, Prince George, is wearing today than anything to do with the ruler of the universe.
What we’re going to do during half-time of a football game has become more interesting than the afterlife.
Sunday football now trumps a day of devotion.
Instant messaging now replaces the rosary and prayer. Karaoke has replaced choir practice.
No doubt, God’s on the run. And there are some legitimate reasons for God’s disappearance from our everyday lives.
After looking at some of the many reasons for God’s absence from our lives, I’ll propose 7 reasons to consider allowing God back into yours.
A laundry list of reasons why God is less popular Vladmir Putin and bachelor Juan Pablo.
♠ Why would you ever want to worship a God whose many followers seem to be judgmental and carry around a holier-than-thou attitude? If God-worshippers are arrogant and ego-fueled, what can God really have to offer?
♠ You can see your new Android phone. You can see and heart the photos you post on Instagram. You can observe the many floats streaming down 6th Avenue in New York during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade.
Unfortunately, you can’t SEE God. Not only can you not see God, the entity, but you don’t feel you have enough evidence of God’s existence.
♠ You’re frustrated, confused or just offended by the mumbo jumbo in religious texts. You’re weary of words like sin and salvation, atman and samsara, the Covenant and the Law, tawhid and wahid, flustered by the myriads of angels, prophets, and kings in the religious books.
♠ The ways of worship trouble you. You might disagree or be offended by various cultural and traditional practices for worshiping God around the world.
You find fire worship and chanting loony, prayer five times a day obsessive, or the practice of confession disconcerting, scary and giving you a feeling that you might do some jail time.
♠ The same reason you hated school and your parents while growing up: rules and commandments.
There doesn’t seem to be leeway.
The standards are just too high. Accepting God doesn’t seem to be enough.
If you make the wrong move, commit the wrong sin, or find yourself off course, you’ve bought a one-way ticket to hell, or you might be reincarnated as Charlie Sheen in your next life.
♠ Although God is accepting and open to all, you’re offended by the close-mindedness of it all.
If you drink, you’re not permitted to.
If you party, you’re told God doesn’t approve.
You’re condemned if you divorce, lie, steal, text and drive, or watch House of Cards.
You’re told what is tolerable and what will make you burn in hell for eternity.
♠ You’re terrified that religious folks are using God for their own social and political agendas, absolutely petrified that your life will be dictated by principles in holy books and dictates from one religion or the other. You see the religious fanatics in every country trying to dominate the political discourse and hijack civic life with religious legislation.
♠ God ruined your relationship, gifted you a mother-in-law from hell, forced you to become a lawyer, or made you live in Flint, Michigan!
God allows billions of people to go hungry, die in war and remain in abject poverty.
What kind of maniacal God would allow so much suffering?
You didn’t get the job you wanted, the man you desired, the home you had envisioned in your mind since you were six. Instead, your life has been filled with disappointments, failure and heartbreak.
♠ Scandal-ridden clergy members and controversial ministers who are hypocritical, abusive and showy.
Not cool.
The men and women who claim to serve God include cons, sex-hungry thieves and scandal-filled charlatans. They drive fast cars, pocket from the people they lead and flash bling like 50 Cent (the rapper, folks!).
Now, there may be a myriad of other reasons God is simply an afterthought in your life.
Why do YOU hate God?
Why do you treat God like a house guest who has overstayed her welcome? Hang up on God like a telemarketer calling at dinner time?
7 practical reasons to give God another go.
You might hate God and hate me now for writing about God.
As I said, many of you who answered my survey told me not to talk about God whatsoever, and yet here comes this post about God.
Don’t worry, friends, I promise you’ll only see posts about God as many times as you’ll see X-Factor judge, Simon Cowell, being kind to a contestant (never), but a little more than how many days it rains each year in Southern California (twice).
What God can do for you that cheap medication and the mafia can’t.
Forget about all the reasons you’re resisting and keeping God away from your life.
Develop a relationship with God and you’ll experience these 7 benefits in your life. (Hey, it’s cheaper than feel-good meds and less dangerous than asking for a favor from a mob boss)
1) Strength.
When life-crushing and soul-shaking experiences come into your life, how do you deal with it? Ok, after you put down the gin and rum, how do you deal with it?
Alcohol and medication can only help you cope for so long. When life is unusually cruel or throws you under the bus and runs over you a couple times, allow God to carry you through the difficulty.
You can share your sorrows, summon the strength to carry on and seek the counsel of God.
It’s like your own personal psychologist without the insurance companies, therapist couch or condescending personality, similar to a trusted, loyal, uplifting and supremely helpful best friend.
2) Meaning and fulfillment.
Have you pondered the meaning of life after a binge 50-episode Duck Dynasty marathon?
Or charged off on a holiday shopping spree to rival those of Victoria Beckham? All the while feeling like you’re caught up in a consumerist lifestyle which gives importance to material wealth and social status?
God allows you to find meaning and fulfillment in your life. You’ll realize that you yourself are enough. You’re divine! You don’t need to be anything or anyone else.
Cozying up to God can help you find fulfillment and purpose, including loving your neighbors, loving God more, serving others, or inspiring others to live more divinely-inspired lives.
3) Humility.
You may think you’re smarter than Einstein, hipper than Jay-Z, more beautiful than Heidi Klum and more talented than Jessica Chastain, but you’re probably more likely living in a place where cannabis is legal.
Many religious traditions talk about being meek and humble. You may find that tough to do as our monster-like egos consume our lives.
Putting God in perspective allows you to surrender your ego to this omniscient, omnipresent entity.
The greater presence of God in your life permits you to be open to others, to temper that gigantic ego and to be a person of service.
4) Peace of mind.
Isn’t it nice to know that you don’t have to travel life alone?
God’s available at a moment’s notice to listen and to be there for you.
You can conveniently unload life’s thorniest and weightiest problems on God.
All you have to say is, “God, I can’t handle this, give me the mental stability and emotional peace to deal with this challenge. Walk with, walk beside me, and help me through this one…”
5) A practice of love and compassion.
Having a greater divine presence in your life allows you to see the divine in other people.
You can become a more loving person by becoming a more God-inspired person.
God doesn’t want to hurt anyone or see anyone suffer. God’s NOT a mafia boss or an angry ex-lover.
God is love and compassion. Seek more God in your life and you’ll find that you’re more loving and compassionate to others.
Interestingly, today’s religious fanatics are usually the worst at showing love to others.
If you, on the other hand, understand that everyone shares the same divinity as you, you can’t help but feel a kindred spirit with your friends and neighbors (and even your family)
6) Hope in despair.
How will you wake up tomorrow?
How are you going to deal with your house being flooded, cancer, a divorce or a legal squabble?
With God, you have two kinds of hope. First, God promises that you’ll get through the rough patches and make it to a better day. You’ll have the strength and courage to face life’s most cruel trials.
God may not alleviate the situation as much as transform you to be more accepting and resilient in your life’s struggle.
God can inspire you to find solutions, seek resources and light that spark of creativity to change your circumstances.
The second way God can provide hope is by giving you comfort at the end of life.
Your trial run on earth can be rewarded with heaven, enlightenment, reincarnation or other eternal rewards.
7) Community and fellowship. Although there are many complications you’ll encounter with religion, each tradition offers you a unique way to congregate and respect God.
Find a suitable religion, and leave ones that don’t resonate with your soul.
To deal with life’s trials and tribulations, God can help us through the dark alleys, but you can also benefit from the help of a congregation, church or temple community on a similar life path.
Most traditions of God-worship are communal and bring together a community of people.
Your co-worshipers can provide the additional courage, understanding and direction to help you through the ups and downs of life.
They’ll be there in the good times and the soul-wrenching ones.
I hope you’ll even consider purchasing this book I wrote about God, Is God Listening? I wrote it 2 years ago, but just put it up for sale for your reading pleasure. Yes, you’ll laugh, cry and think about God differently.
Are you willing to give God another go? Or are you going to jump out the third-story window if you ever hear the word “God” again 🙂 ? Let me hear you in the comments below.
* Does True Love Exist? Pick up my book at the Amazon store here.
Is there such a things as true love?
When will true love strike?
What can I do so I don’t spend my life alone?
These are some of the many questions people write to me about after reading my blog.
While I’ve experienced painful love and broken love, I can tell you that true love is possible.
I want to assure you that you can find true love but true love isn’t what you see in the movies and love songs. True love is an art and a practice.
You can find true love but you have to practice it consciously and with care.
Here’s a practical no-nonsense guide to finding true love:
(Pick up Does True Love Exist (affiliate link) at the Amazon store here)
1) The healthy perspective on true love
True love isn’t the way you think about it.
In the book, Marry Him; The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, author Lori Gottlieb cites biological anthropologist Helen Fisher’s studies on the physiology of romantic love.
“She found that when you feel that strong chemistry with someone, the brain system that becomes activated is the reward system, which is what also lights up when you reach for a piece of chocolate or cigarette or an amphetamine.” Gottlieb writes.
Fisher’s research shows with all the dopamine floating around, it’s hard to realize that you’re simply experiencing a chemical state which can last anywhere from 18 months to 3 years.
“Fisher isn’t saying that chemistry isn’t important. It’s just that it helps to know that it might take time to develop.” Gottlieb writes.
To start looking for true love, know that you might be looking for compatibility – someone who you can grow with, a partner and a friend.
If you change your mindset about love, you’ll quickly let go of tingling love notions, passionate romances and breath-taking chance meetings.
While chemistry will cause your heart to flutter, compatibility will make for a meaningful lifetime relationship.
2) The more values you have in common, the more compatible you will be.
I wanted to carve out this section on mindset to encourage you to be conscious of your mindset. Being more aware of this concept could change your entire approach towards dating and relationships.
Life coach, Tim Brownson, talks a lot about value systems in life. You can use a set of values to determine what makes you happy. Once you are clear on your values, then you can be uber-clear on your priorities.
Not only are values important to your life and your goals, but I’ve now come to believe this values-based approach can apply to every single area of your life, including relationships.
Determine what your core values in life are, ideally your top 3 or 4.
Do you value freedom the most? Do you value family? Independence? Love? Justice? Spirituality? Faith? Freedom? Compassion? Humility? Adventure? Loyalty?
Figure out what values you’re seeking for in a partner.
And I’m not talking about qualities like, “tall, hot and handsome.” Or someone who looks like Matthew McConaughey, Pierce Brosnan or George Clooney.
Or even qualities like, “I’m looking for someone who likes to water paint in the nude, rocks at Bikram yoga or delights in gluten-free restaurants.” While you can consider shared interests and preferences (see my tips below), I’ve become a big proponent of a values-based mindset to finding true love.
And the best part about this is that you get to do this now before going back out into the dating world. Doing this ahead of time and sober, allows you to be more conscious about your priorities, values and ideal life partner.
3) Too good to be true or good enough?
Often, and especially when you’re younger in life, you tend to have improbable expectations and a long list of traits you desire in your partner. But sometimes almost always “good enough” is all you need, which is exactly the journey author Lori Gottlieb had, as she’s written about in, Marry Him; The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough.
Dr. Michael Broder, a psychologist Gotlieb talks to, had this to say: “‘I hear all the time, ‘If I can’t have a guy who is this, that or the other thing, I’d rather be alone,’ he told me. So I say, ‘Okay, but be prepared to get your second choice. Because with that sense of entitlement, that’s what you’ll probably get: being alone’”.
Dr. Broder believes many people bring a sense of entitlement to dating, including the desire to be adored in a ‘fantasy’ way. People seem to be “looking for an idealized spiritual union instead of a realistic marital partnership.”
So, let’s cut out the fantasies, starry-eyed expectations and 200-item checklists and go with a more practical version.
Humans are imperfect, have shortcomings in different areas of their lives and make mistakes. Shocker! If you reduced the expectations, even cutting them down by half or a third, more people would become appealing to you.
4) Sailing to the same destination
In Marry Him, the author relates the advice of matchmaker Lisa Clampitt, who matches people like this: “Number one, I look at whether two people have common relationship goals. Number two, I look at values…”
The notion of a relationship goal in regards to your relationship is important. You have to know for yourself if you want kids, if you plan to stay at home or be the bread-winner.
Having a general idea of your relationship goals will help you find someone who shares those goals with you.
Talking about this in the initial rendezvous can avoid future misunderstandings and conflicts.
5) The person who can truly complete you.
Never go into a relationship needing to feel whole, fulfilled or complete.
If you think that someone else will make you happy, you probably still believe in Santa Claus, the tooth fairy and Cinderella.
If you’re over the age of 8, however, you know you can’t compensate for your happiness with or through someone else.
If you’re feeling needy, broken or incomplete, work on self-love and building up your self-worth. Look for a good therapist first and a good man later.
A partner cannot make you happy, complete you, erase 20 years of trauma, or turn you into Wonder Woman.
You can do that.
Before you go out seeking for someone else to fix or heal you, take on the task yourself: work on loving yourself, start on your path to self-improvement, start a mindfulness practice so you’re more in tune with yourself.
Set out to make changes and transform areas of your life that need work.
No matter how much Enrique Iglesias wants to take your pain away and be your hero, you can’t find salvation in another person.
You have to be the hero of your own life.
6) Wanted: The Real You
If you’re putting on airs about yourself, trying to be someone you’re not and playing the role of a confident, loving and down to earth person when you’re not – stop!
You have to start from where you are.
Don’t get caught up with how other couples you know are doing, compare yourself to your friends vacationing in the Bahamas or dress like you’re a Paris runway model. Unless, of course, you are a Paris runway model.
Allow spiritual practices to get to your core. Move away from materialism, superficiality and frivolous pleasures for more meaning and purpose.
Once you stop living your life like a reality TV star and go within, you’ll come to a better understanding of who you are. Now, make improvements and nurture the real you.
Let go of a lifetime of customization and being shaped by society. Be your own authentic self: the person underneath the baggage who lost their identity over the years.
7) Raise the roof. Ok, how about your vibrations?
To meet a man or woman, you have to be in a good place yourself and align yourself with your higher energy.
Law of attraction sage, Melody Fletcher, discusses going up the vibrational ladder so you’ll be vibrating more positive energy.
When you take the woo woo or mystery out of vibrations, it’s as simple as this: more good things happen in your life when you’re vibrating or exuding more positive energy.
When you’re feeling happy, confident, peaceful and joyful, you’ll attract more such experiences (and people) into your life.
If you’re an angry, maniacal sociopath with vendettas to fulfill, you’re going to attract shady characters with prison records into your life.
Try the various exercises Melody talks about over at Deliberate Receiving by working through emotions and moving towards healthier vibrations. Work through your emotions, change your thoughts, and find techniques to put yourself in an optimal place.
8) Strive to be the person you’d want to date.
This tip is a combination of all the tips here. It sure would be nice to dream up a perfect person with wonderful characteristics who can become your hero and savior.
Once again, this would require you to do no work on your own.
If you’re confident, at ease with yourself, grounded with healthy habits and a balanced emotional human being, then congratulations Kate Middleton, you’re already married to a prince and have given birth to the future King of England.
For the rest of us mortals, we have self-improvement to work on.
If you are seeking someone who is financially stable, work on improving your own financial condition.
If you are seeking a kind-hearted, patient soul who serves the poor, and attends mass regularly, work on your patience and generosity.
Become the person you want to date.
9) If you think you can change another person…
Anyone who’s in a relationship believing they can change the other person is naïve, foolish, or single. Or will soon be!
Simple advice here: know that you cannot change anyone. Even if you’re Gisele, Heidi Klum, Beyonce or Hillary Clinton, you can’t change your man, so don’t even try.
Once you know this, you have two choices: work on yourself or walk out of the relationship. If the person you’re with is worth it but has some less than desirable qualities, try to embrace and accept the person anyway.
Or you can be honest with yourself and walk; skate like Catriona Le May Doan out of the relationship.
You can’t change your man or woman just like you can’t change the weather.
Just like you can’t get the Starbucks barrista to spell your name right on your cup. (Oh wait, is that just me?)
Just like you can’t get your cat to respect you. Or your dog to get off your bed on wintery nights.
Some things in life will never change.
10) Look out for shared interests and background.
Remember in the mindset strategy above, I suggested that finding someone who has your shared values is the most important.
Once you have the most important qualities down, you can also be on the lookout for common interests and qualities. Don’t overdo it, but I think it’s perfectly acceptable to look for someone who also has the same cultural, spiritual or religious background as you.
You’re entitled to find a partner who enjoys listening to Kenney Chesney, vacationing in Yosemite or playing ultimate Frisbee on the weekends.
Your hobbies, sports, music, movie, travel, food and interests are what makes you unique.
Don’t expect or demand your partner love weekend trips to the Bahamas, Broadway plays, church with Michael Beckwith or joining you at your next Oprah book-club event. You can absolutely be compatible with someone who doesn’t, and they certainly can grow to enjoy those activities over time.
11) What you can do alone, do with others.
And no, this point has nothing to do with sexual satisfaction – come on people, we’re having a semi-serious discussion here.
When you’re trying to find that long-term relationship and sick of random-blind date hook-ups and online dating, try to explore your interests and passions in a group setting.
If you’re a runner, join a running club. If you’re a yogini, go to busier yoga classes or do yoga in the public park. Enthusiastically and boldly attend events with other people.
A group scenario will allow you to find others with similar shared interests. Be more enthusiastic to say yes to shared group activities. Look for opportunities to meet more people. True love may be waiting for you at the next gathering you attend.
12) Shorter and more plentiful dates.
Why have long lunches or dinners when a brief coffee will give you all the details you need to make a decision about the person?
Intentionally, set up dates for 30 to 45 minutes and let the other person know ahead of time. You’ve already figured out your values and know what your relationship goals are.
When you’re clear about yourself and the other person, you’ll know very quickly if a person is right for you or not. You don’t need 12 dates or even 2 hours.
By cutting down on the length of time you meet someone, you’ll get good at dating and determining who’s right for you and who isn’t. Here’s 42 questions to help you determine if someone is a potential match.
On the same note, you can also increase the number of people you’re meeting with. It’s a numbers game, folks – the more people you meet, the more likely you are to find true love.
Having said this, do trust your instinct. If you can’t make up your mind after a lunch or a couple dates, give it a chance and keep an open mind.
13) Test their commitment.
Once you think you’ve landed on Mr. Right or Mr. Good Enough, your next step is to see their life situation. Is this person looking for a long term relationship and commitment?
If they’re commitment phobic, throw them into a shark-infested pool and get the heck out.
If they’re finding themselves, you don’t have to play hide and seek with them.
If they’re on a one-way trip to the Himalayas, bid them adieu and tell them to seek extra blessings for you. Tell ‘em to look Vishnu up when they get there 🙂
If someone is not sure of who they are or what they want in life, you sure don’t have time to help them figure it out. You’ve got true love to find, not tango with the lost and the confused.
14) Postpone getting physical.
I don’t think there’s much more to say to this other than don’t get physical! No matter what Olivia Newton-John coons about in her song, “Let’s Get Physical”, don’t get physical!
Turning a relationship into a physical relationship early will hide many of the qualities that really matter to you.
Once your hormones have hijacked your rationality, your heart and your mind are simple prisoners of war. If you want more heartbreak, painful relationships and frustrating flings, get physical. Otherwise, I’m with Steve Harvey’s 90-day rule.
Steve says that you have to wait 90 days before getting into bed together. If it takes 90 days to get the “benefits” at the Ford Motor company, Harvey encourages you to wait 90 days before handing out the “benefits” of a relationship.
Check out the clip below.
15) Meet many new people and be willing to say goodbye to many more.
Be willing to say goodbye to people you’ve gone out with once or twice.
Have the courage to talk about the relationship and its long-term potential.
If you don’t think it’s the right person, relationship or situation for you, be willing to call it quits.
For longer-term relationships that come to an end, go through the grieving process and work through the pain to get back on track. Be grateful that the relationship has ended and move on by realizing that you’ve just completed a full cycle of growing and learning immeasurable life lessons.
Be willing to let go and say goodbye. Only when you take your mental and emotional energy off the previous person, can you move on to find true love.
Choosing the present moment, instead of lingering painfully in the past, is one way to move forward after heartbreak and loss.
As a matchmaker, Lisa Clampitt, points out, “Long-term compatibility is about respect and common values and building something, not about judgment of imperfections.”
That’s it, friends – how to find someone you’re compatible with which can often be more fulfilling and lasting than true love.
My final caveat is simply to take things slow and not rush into anything you’ll regret later. If you think someone is compatible, give it some time to see if the person has long-term potential.
Be conscious of your dating by being aware of some of the true love tips here and allow your intuition to lead the way.
Your turn – does true love exist? What are you going to do to find true love?
“Don’t let the past steal your present.” Terri Guillemets
I have a confession to make.
Anyone who reads my blog knows that I write a lot about pain and heartbreak, inspired primarily by a painful and heart–shattering divorce.
Over the last couple years, divorce has taken me to the depths of my sanity, led me to question my very being and forced me to confront the deepest suffering.
Without question, this life event has held me back, kept me down and paralyzed my life.
It’s a subject I wrote about often, talked about often and thought about, even dreamt about, more often.
I allowed my agonizing thoughts to dominate my life as I embarked upon a steep path of growth and revitalization in my life.
Now that I can look back with a little more clarity, I can see how I replaced a person (my former spouse) with pain. How I made heartbreak and sorrow my companions.
Through a chance conversation with a childhood friend, I was re-introduced late last year to the one author and book that had previously touched my life.
You may also have read this ultimate guide to and celebration of living in the present moment: The Power of Now, by the soft-spoken spiritual teacher, Eckhart Tolle.
Tolle’s message of living in the present moment packs a punch of clarity, wisdom and absolute truth.
It’s easy and sometimes even pleasurable to get caught up and live in our past.
You’ve likely experienced struggle, heartbreak, loneliness, failure and loss.
But you know what’s worse than experiencing any of these events once in your life?
Painfully replaying each of these moments over and over again in your mind.
In The Power of Now, Tolle reminds us that we don’t have to replay the horror, the pain, and sorrow of our pasts repeatedly in our minds.
6 “living in the moment” strategies Tolle shares in The Power of Now:
You probably aren’t going to spend another week of your life re-reading Tolle (although I highly recommend it) and it will likely take us all a couple lifetimes to fully understand Tolle’s reflections.
I’m going to take to try to take out the Tolle-speak and seemingly dense spiritual concepts and explain The Power of Now as I understood it.
Here are 6 practical and actionable steps Tolle suggests.
If you simply implement one of the strategies below and shift your mindset, I promise you that your life will change forever.
1. Stop thinking. “What the…!?” you’re wondering as you read this line…
Tolle provides a solution to reoccurring sadness and pain in your life. Your thoughts continue to replay in your mind like your favorite iTunes track.
Each replay is a swift reminder and a continuation of past pain.
“When you listen to that voice, listen to it impartially. That is to say, do not judge…You’ll soon realize: there is the voice, and here I am listening to it, watching it,” Tolle writes.
So sit and become aware of your life’s darkest moments repeating themselves in your thoughts.
In the course of your day, when you feel sadness and loss, just call your thoughts out: “There you go again, mind! Taking me through this roller coaster of emotions. Replaying that sad and tragic past once again…”
Stop the mental replay by becoming aware of the negative.
When you stop thinking of or re-playing painful events in your mind, Tolle says, “You’re no longer energizing the mind through identification with it. This is the beginning of the end of involuntary and compulsive thinking.”
Action: Watch your mind. Or watch for feelings of sadness and pain throughout the day. When you are feeling sorrow or pain, immediately call out the thoughts that led you there.
Thinking about your difficult childhood, the loss of a loved one, your pet dying?
Shine a flashlight on these sneaky thieves wandering around the dark alleys of your mind.
2. Be highly alert in the present moment.
Well, geez, how do you do that? By being completely present in any activity or conversation you are in.
Ask yourself, “Am I in the present moment?” in whatever it is that you’re doing.
“Am I focusing on the task at hand?”
“Am I here or are my thoughts floating in la la land?”
Give normal and everyday activities your full and utmost attention.
As an example, Tolle writes, “Every time you walk up and down the stairs in your house or place of work, pay close attention to every step, every moment, even your breathing. Be totally present.”
Do this while you’re walking around town, getting in and out of the elevator, walking to the train station or wandering around the grocery store.
Be present in every moment by paying as much attention as possible to that moment.
3. Become aware of the pain-body within you.
Tolle defines the pain-body as lingering emotional pain.
He notes that some of us live entirely through our pain-body, whereas in others, the pain-body may be asleep 90% of the time.
For example, I used to be preoccupied with the pain of breaking up about 90% of the time.
My pain-body became ever more important in my life because it gave me a troubling new sense of self.
In the past couple of years, I have spent less time thinking about and experiencing the pain-body of loss and heartache.
When you and I become our pain-bodies, we have something to identify with.
“I’m the person who suffered loss.”
“I’m heart-broken.”
“I’m that person who failed financially.”
After marinating in this identity, you get swept over by a wave of pain, sadness and sorrow, and it supplies you with your identity. Your ego identifies with this pain-body and your pain becomes your self-image. You become your past, your loss and your hurt.
“Once this pain-body has taken you over, you want more pain. You become a victim or a perpetrator. You want to inflict pain, or you want to suffer pain, or both…” Tolle reflects.
So, how do you dissolve this pain-body?
Tolle summarizes this process: “Focus attention on the feeling inside you. Know that it is the pain-body. Accept that it is there. Don’t think about it…don’t judge or analyze. Don’t make yourself an identity out of it.”
“Stay present and continue to be the observer of what is happening inside you…This is the power of the Now, the power of your own conscious presence.”
4. Be aware of the difference between your “life” and “life situation.”
Tolle makes a distinction between your life and your life’s circumstances or situations. He refers to life situations as “psychological time.” Life situations are the past and the future.
You resist what happened to you in the past, don’t accept it in the present and are anxious about the future.
Whatever is happening to you is your life situation, which happened in the past or could happen sometime in the future. Both of those places aren’t the present moment.
Tolle says you could have a lot of situational problems, and most lives are filled with them, but you should find complete comfort and peace in the present moment.
“Use your senses fully. Be where you are. Look around. Just look, don’t interpret. See the lights shapes, colors, textures. Be aware of the silent presence of each thing…” Tolle gently nudges us.
You don’t have to identify with or be defined by your past.
If you accept the present moment, you can deal with those situations as they are.
You can’t change what has happened and what is coming your way: past and future.
All you have at this exact moment is something that needs to be dealt with or accepted. That’s it! “Why make it into a problem?” Tolle inquires.
“All it takes is a simple choice, a simple decision: no matter what happens, I will create no more pain for myself. I will create no more problems.”
Although Tolle says this is a simple choice, I’m certain if you adapt this philosophy and start living it, your life will completely transform. You’ll be a new person who will no longer be crushed by the weight of the past or the future.
5. Drop negativity like a piece of hot coal.
For more happiness and peace of mind, Tolle proposes letting go of negativity.
“How do you drop a piece of hot coal that you are holding in your hand? How do you drop some heavy useless baggage that you are carrying? By recognizing that you don’t want to suffer the pain or carry the burden anymore and then letting go of it.”
You have a choice to be entrenched in your past or to live for the moment that you have right in front of you.
Often we’re chock-full of negativity in our life because we refuse to accept something that happened in the past or are resisting something occurring in the current moment.
Tolle’s suggestion is to choose the current moment and accept what is, choosing to let go of the heavy baggage and drop the hot coals by consciously choosing to let go of the pain of the past.
When you let go of the pain surrounding the past and the negativity associated with it, you will find an ever-present peace of mind in the present moment.
6. Let go of the future. I sure love the future, don’t you? What’s not to love about it?
In my future, there is happiness, bliss, abundance and eternal joy.
Of course, Tolle bursts all our bubbles and insists on prying the future out of our hands.
Forget the future, he says:
“‘When I obtain this or am free of that – then I will be okay’. This is the unconscious mind-set that creates the illusion of salvation in the future,” Tolle writes.
Sure, we could find peace, happiness, and fulfillment some day, or we could scratch that futuristic thinking and chose to have all of that in this very moment.
You don’t need to go anywhere to find this joyful state of being.
“You ‘get’ there by realizing you are there already,” is one of the most powerful Eckhart Tolle quotes in the Power of Now.
I devoured this book once a long while back, but this past year, I really started to understand it, and it’s been a life-changer.
You can CHOOSE to let go of your past pain and suffering.
Become aware of how those past misfortunes resonate with negative feelings, thoughts and emotions.
You suffered once, why suffer again?
The future is a whole other story that isn’t here – you can’t do anything about, can’t change it, can’t guarantee happiness in it. You don’t even know if you’ll be there when you get there. So why live for a tomorrow that may never come?
Live for the present. Live in this very moment.
Change your mindset and accept this very moment. Right now, chose to be happy, choose to let go, to lift that heavy burden off your shoulders and release the heaviness of the past and future this very minute.
Give yourself permission to breathe in and breathe out with peace of mind, acceptance and emotional freedom.
Would it be too much to call this enlightenment?
What are you doing at this very moment? Are you being fully present and going to leave a comment below ? 🙂 Tell me about your experiences or strategies for letting go of the past.
My doctor tried to soften the blow of the bad news by telling me that I caught it early.
Then I heard the words that would terrify and frighten anyone.
The diagnosis: breast cancer.
Imagine receiving this news just 3 weeks after your dad had passed away.
I decided not to tell my mom about my diagnosis right away because she was in a vulnerable place, already having lost her life partner. I also wanted to have all the answers to any questions my Mom would have before I told her about the diagnosis.
After some tests were done, I sighed a little with relief when I discovered that the breast cancer was at Stage 1 and was the size of a small coin.
Although the doctor tried to assuage my fears by confidently telling me my life wasn’t in danger, the next year was not an easy one.
My doctor told me I needed to have a mastectomy (breast removal surgery) rather than a lumpectomy (breast-conserving surgery). I’m glad that decision was made for me and I didn’t have to make it myself.
My cancer journey began with surgery, followed up by chemotherapy starting approximately 2 months after my surgery.
The doctor explained that I needed additional chemotherapy because I was very young. Women are more likely to be diagnosed with breast cancer later in life (with the highest percentage of women being diagnosed in their 60s and 70s).
Statistically speaking, I still had a long life ahead of me, which meant I had a longer period of time in which the cancer could return. So chemo was supposed to reduce that chance of reoccurrence as much as possible.
I was the youngest patient in the room receiving chemo treatment, so I imagined I could handle it.
Unfortunately, I was wrong.
Chemo kicked. My. Butt.
Within 24 hours of my first round of a chemo session, my stomach and back were throbbing with pain.
I had no appetite and felt exhausted.
Within 48 hours, I had blurry vision and was getting hot flashes. Within 72 hours, all of my joints ached and I felt like a 90-year-old woman, and I had difficulty processing thoughts. It felt like everything was happening in slow motion.
Losing my hair.
But with all of those unpleasant side effects, what I feared most was the day my hair would start falling out.
My doctor informed me it would take about 2 weeks for my hair to start falling out, so I waited anxiously.
I remember the first huge clump of hair falling out, enough to fill my entire fist. If I had been in denial up to that point, it stopped that day. I really was sick.
I decided to shave my head rather than waiting for the rest of my hair to fall out. It was the only thing I could do to gain back some of the control I had lost.
I recalled so many times in the past where I complained about having a bad hair day. It seemed so trivial now as I was looking at myself in the mirror with barely any hair.
Healing my body. Changing myoutlook.
My chemotherapy sessions, treatment and healing continued over the next year.
Eventually my hair grew back, the stomach pains subsided, and I got my energy back. Physically, I was starting to look like the old me.
But the inside is where I experienced the most unexpected changes and growth.
I was different. Some people say that getting cancer didn’t change them. Well, that wasn’t the case for me.
When I started feeling physically better, I started appreciating the simple things in life.
Meals, phone calls to friends, going for a walk … all of these things have more meaning than they did before.
It’s amazing how being grateful started a chain reaction with regards to other aspects of my life.
I smile more, gossip less, and I’ve become more active and adventurous in life.
When you get a glimpse of how fragile and painful life can be, you begin to appreciate and embrace it a lot more.
Besides being more grateful, I have also learned to be more “selfish”.
Okay, it’s not really being selfish as much as I am now more aware of what I want, and I don’t ignore those feelings.
It’s surprising what I used to do out of obligation or guilt to the point where it caused me stress.
For example, I maintained friendships that weren’t healthy. That’s no longer the case. If I don’t want to do something, I don’t do it. I say “no” more often.
Unfortunately, I do not have any tips on how to reach this peace that I have found. There’s no 10-step process that I can recite.
All I know is that I don’t think I could have gained this understanding without being fully stripped down, and that’s the irony.
Am I glad that I got cancer? No.
Did I get something beautiful out of this that I wouldn’t have discovered any other way? I think so.
I went through a lot of obstacles that year, but through it all, I have learned to love my life, appreciate the small things and value myself more than ever.
Oh, and I do have a little advice – be wary of who you sit next to on the first day of class. For example, you could start your first day of law school sitting next to someone named “Vishnu” and be pestered into writing a blog post for him ten years later.
Marina is not a blogger and never could have imagined herself sharing such a personal essay. (Thank you for your inspiration and courage, Marina 🙂 )
Have you survived a horrific illness or health problem? What were some of the lessons your injury, illness or disease taught you? Please share in the comments section below.
I help people overcome their devastating breakups and divorces and find love again. Instead of visiting the Himalayas, sign up below and join me. I am taking a writing break but will be back soon.
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