I hate to say this, friends, but I really am doing well under the circumstances.
This feels too similar to the uncertainty I had in my love life.
I was supposed to be a nomad in 2020, traveling the world and working. All was going well until COVID struck Malaysia in force in February.
I was visiting Malaysia, where my family lives when the government decided that a lockdown and country-wide shutdown was necessary.
This then led to a once in a lifetime opportunity to spend some quality time with the parents, which I have never done in my adult life.
What a fascinating (and by that, I mean, thrilling) time it’s been.
I would love to share my Dad’s astrological predictions according to Indian astrologers about when Corona will end or my Mom’s take on what started the pandemic (she’s vacillating between the deep state and a Chinese lab experiment gone wrong).
God, send help if you’re reading.
Anyway, some of this seems unfamiliar since I’ve never lived through a pandemic and lockdown. Yet so much of this feels oddly familiar.
It’s odd to say this out loud but I feel like I can do pandemics that feel like the world is ending.
I feel like I can do self-isolation, social distancing and lockdown like a seasoned veteran.
As a matter of fact, almost a decade ago, this is basically how I spent my life.
For nearly a year after my divorce, I pretty much stayed home, cried and watched Joel Osteen and Oprah on Sunday mornings. I went to work occasionally and to yoga class weekly. Other than that, I didn’t speak to a single person I knew.
Indian families, like mine, didn’t understand or support divorces. I was the first in my family.
I was so embarrassed, ashamed and felt like a failure that I didn’t feel like talking to friends either.
I was in my own self-quarantine of grief.
Once you’ve gone through something like this before, a pandemic is something you can do in your sleep.
I can crush this pandemic like the divorce that crushed me.
What I am coming to see is that there is going to be a lot of uncertainty in the world after this event is over.
What will happen to our daily lives?
The places we live in?
The world as we know it?
I have no idea about these things but I do have some idea about how to deal with uncertain times in our love lives.
For example, in your life, you may be experiencing uncertainty of some sort.
Should you stay in the marriage?
Should you leave?
Should you move on?
Should you meet someone new?
You may be in many different places with your partner or spouse. You may be feeling uncertain and stressed during these pandemic times about your love life.
How do you cope? How do you move forward?
How do you deal with the uncertainty you‘re facing in your love life?
Here are 4 ideas to help you deal with uncertainty in your love life.
Call on your intuition.
Yes, you know what you want and you know what’s right for you.
All you have to do is listen to yourself.
Whenever I coach people, I love to listen to them because I hear the deepest insights and nuggets of gold.
They seem to have the most insurmountable problems but when I ask them a simple question, they have an abundance of insight and wisdom.
Call on presence.
The past and future don’t exist in reality.
We want answers for the future and explanations for the past.
No matter how many times my Dad cites astrologers to explain when Corona is going to end, I don’t seem to buy it.
We don’t know about the past or future but we do know what’s happening now.
Check in with yourself at this moment and just live for right now.
Drop the past and future from your mind.
Call on surrender
You don’t need to over-think the solutions.
The universe will move you to the answer.
And no I’m not drinking a coconut pina colada or a Jungle Bird at the moment either.
You don’t need all the answers you think you need.
Let life take its course.
When the time comes, you will know what you need to.
Thinking, planning and analyzing won’t change things.
Clinging and holding on won’t change things.
Control and demanding things of life won’t change things.
Surrender.
Call on faith.
Faith in what, you might ask?
How about yourself?
Yes, you. You got this. You always have.
You always come through and have overcame.
You’re still standing no matter what life has thrown at you.
You are the light you have been waiting for.
Also, call on the idea that everything works in your favor.
I thought that my life was done for and it was time to become a hermit in the Himalayas.
I kept going though and became a writer and coach.
Then I went to Bali because… Elizabeth Gilbert, who else.
Then I met this amazing Indonesian woman. Then I fell madly fell in love with her in the time of quarantine.
Oh wait, story for another day.
Let’s get back to you.
You got this.
Everything is working in your favor.
You specialize in uncertainty.
You have inner wisdom.
You have this moment.
Surrender.
Know the universe has your back.
Don’t talk with your conspiracy-minded Mom or astrologically-oriented, Dad.
You got this, friends.
p.s. And of course, if you still feel like your love life is more chaotic than the pandemic, I’m here. If you can use some direction, guidance or coaching, reply to this email or fill out this form.
After I got out of the legal field, I went to work with labor unions and help workers.
Soon after that, I worked for a NGO helping pass policy to protect older people and the disabled.
I did community organizing meaning I brought people together from the community to help pass laws to protect the elderly and disabled.
I really loved this job!
It was the best job for me.
And the plus side was that I had the best boss in the world.
I worked from home, my schedule was flexible and my work was meaningful.
I worked with the political leaders in California, grassroots activists, and regular everyday people to make the lives better for millions of people.
As much as I loved this job, I was being pulled away from it.
My purpose is to help people at rock bottom make a comeback in their lives, especially the divorced and heart-broken.
My purpose is to help people let go of the past and start over in their lives, to remind them the tragic event was simply a roadblock and not the end of the road.
So every day I did my job but worked toward my purpose.
There is a big difference between office work or a “regular” job and your purpose or soul-job.
Doing your purpose or your soul work is scary – you know why?
The reason most of us are terrified is that there’s no certain or clear path.
You have to figure it out on your own.
If you went to work in the government for example, you would be told what to do.
There are policies and procedures on everything.
There are pay scales and promotion policies that will tell you when you will move up in the organization and how much you will get paid.
When you’re doing soul work, you will have to come up with all these things on your own.
Yet it’s not impossible, you’re just not used to it.
You may not know exactly what it is you want to do.
You may not know how to build it.
You may not have the skills you need to do marketing or sales.
You may not have the technical skills to build a website or blog.
The good news is that you don’t have to get caught up in these details.
Before you start figuring out how to make your soul’s work a reality, you have to figure out what is your soul’s work? What is your purpose?
You figure that out and then you work backwards from there.
When I coach people on finding their direction and following their purpose, they get caught up in the tactics and strategies to make a living.
Their first question is how to pay for doing their life’s purpose.
They want to know the “how” before getting super clear on the what and the why.
I work with them to get clear on the “what” and the “why” first. What is it that you want your life to look like and why do you want that life.
Knowing what it is you want to do and why it is you want to do it is the most important thing. Once you know these two things, everything else will become easier.
Don’t run away from figuring out your purpose because you’re afraid of the uncertainty of the path.
Also, don’t postpone on starting on your purpose.
Life is short.
We get to only live once.
You have two choices.
Follow the mandates of society and do what is certain today.
Or follow your purpose and do what’s soul-satisfying, starting today.
By the way, soul-satisfying doesn’t mean being broke or in financial ruin.
You can do purposeful work and make a living at it.
You know what?
All the wealthiest artists, writers, actors and performers are making a living doing their life purpose.
If you are in alignment with your purpose, the sky is the limit.
You’ll feel like I do – a millionaire just because you get to do what you want to do.
And if you do end up doing what it is you’re supposed to be doing with your life, the money will follow.
So don’t worry about the obstacles and limitations in your way.
Well, worry about the path later but for now, look at the big picture of where you want your life to go.
It will help you get clear on your vision and purpose.
Once you embrace that, the other pieces including finances, will fall into place.
The path towards your purpose may be uncertain but will be much more fulfilling in the long run.
If you’re ready to make your soul sing and do work that is refreshing and motivating every day, then please get in touch with me. If you want to learn more about my life direction coaching, check out this coaching option here.
Think romantic walks along the Seine river, hand-holding in the Louvre museum or late night frolicking at the Eifel Tower.
Sad to report, that was the trip of my dreams but not the trip of what happened.
It was a wonderful trip but the separation between the two of us was thick in the air.
We didn’t speak at times.
We disagreed about what we wanted to see.
And had pent up anger towards each which was thicker than a cup of café au lait.
It was painful and heartbreaking.
It was months before our divorce was finalized in 2011.
Fast forward to today where I’ve moved to Asia and writing to you from India.
This week, I write to you from Kerala.
Someone called this God’s country.
Everything they say about Kerala is true.
I’m here for a bit doing more writing, finishing books and coaching people who are recovering from their own breakups or divorces.
This trip is so different than the last.
Early morning writing and walking.
Meditating and socializing with people visiting from around the world.
Watching the sunset in the evening.
Delicious food.
Spiritual awakening.
Creative endeavours.
What the heck, I’m thinking to myself.
How did I end up here?
This is what I would call my dream life.
Working and living the way I want to.
It took me awhile to get here and I’m still pursuing this dream that I had but I’m telling you that this life would have never been possible if I was still unhappily married.
Here’s where I want to get real with you.
Your life felt like it ended when your marriage or long-term relationship did.
You may never have had the opportunity in life to pursue your dreams.
You may never have had a chance to ask yourself what it is you want and how it is you want to live your life.
So much of your life was by default.
The beauty of things coming crashing down is that it clears the path.
It gets rid of all the social constructs, obligations, fears and expectations.
It gives you courage, resiliency and a knowing that you can get through anything or achieve anything.
If you lived a normal life without much challenge or adversity, you couldn’t forge ahead with your dreams.
Those of us who have been through crap know that we can do whatever we want.
We are survivors.
If we can go to hell and back, we can definitely follow our dreams.
So, let’s start today with what it is you want.
Have you given yourself permission to ask yourself what it is you want out of life?
We are here in another new year.
If you feel like you’re not living the life you want, it’s time to ask yourself the easy and hard questions.
What do I want to do with my life?
How can I find meaning and purpose?
How can I create the life I want to live?
If you haven’t asked yourself these questions, let me prompt you.
I’m coaching people this month to uncover what it is they want.
The session lasts about an hour. You can get details here.
Stop dreaming about living your dream life and start making your dream life a reality.
It’s no longer time to play small.
You know what you’re capable of because you’ve survived the worst of it.
I want to ask you what your vision for your life is – read more about my coaching here.
Start the year off right with a life direction coaching session. It’s the first step to launching the life you want to live.
I’ve had a picture about how I wanted to live my life ever since my divorce.
Before my divorce, I had this vision of a dream life that I thought was absolutely nutty.
Nutty in the sense that I never thought it would be possible.
I didn’t think I could spend my time inspiring people, write, coach, and get paid for it.
I didn’t think you could actually pursue your dream career and make it work.
I didn’t think that you could create your dream lifestyle and make that work!
My dream life is essentially to do my work around my life.
Not my life around my work.
I saw most of society putting work first and doing their life outside of the 9 to 5.
I wanted to live life between 9 to 5 and work when I felt like it.
Also, I wanted work to not feel like work.
I wanted it to be pure passion and purpose.
I made big leaps and took small steps.
I transitioned out of the legal profession.
I took a job with much more work-life balance that allowed me to prioritize writing.
I took months and years off from regular employment to build my coaching practice.
It feels like I’m finally getting there.
I’m back in Asia and doing slow travel and work from this part of the world.
Every day, my life revolves around friends and family, visiting spiritual places and meditating and trying to stay healthy. Oh and working, of course, but that happens early in the morning or late at night.
I write for this blog for people who have experienced divorce and heartbreak.
I write on Medium for people who need some motivation.
I write on Amazon and get paid when people purchase one of my books. The best way to support my work by the way is to pick up a book on Amazon (aff link).
I also am going to launch a series of courses about letting go of the past and overcoming heartbreak in the coming month.
This is the dream that I’ve been working towards for years and feels like it is finally materializing.
I work for myself and have the freedom to live my life on my own terms.
If I had looked back on the past, which I have a bad habit of doing, I would have thought about how great my legal career was and how I should have stuck to the known and certain path to financial security and career stability.
But screw that!
Here’s what happened post-divorce!
I realized how fragile life is/was.
I realized that if nightmares could come true, then for sure, dreams could come true.
I realized that life’s short.
I might as well spend the time doing what I want to do instead of what society wanted me to do.
So I envisioned a life that I wanted to life.
I saw a future life in my mind that seemed way out there but got clear about it.
And have spent the last few years moving towards that future.
It’s unfolding as we speak.
Seeing your future vividly is one way to help you let go of the heaviness of the past.
When your mind is replaying past highlights and memories, train it to see what it is you want it is you want now.
What is your vision for your life?
What does that life look like? If you’re on my email list, please reply and let me know what your dream life looks like.
If you need some support and guidance in this process, check out my coaching page here. There’s no better way to start 2020 than envisioning what it is you want out of life.
Everyone responds to divorce and breakups differently.
I have met people who are dating multiple people after their divorce, having the time of their life and marrying their soulmate soon after.
I’ve also met people who are stuck for years on end after divorce.
This is was me.
These are the people who I coach.
This might be you.
Some people feel physically alive but emotionally and spiritually dead post breakup.
Some people believe only their past contains their best life.
They believe their future is sad and hopeless.
We are people who saw the life that we knew crumble right in front of us.
We survived the wreckage but are still left wondering, “why us and what now”.
“Why me” is what led me to leave my career as a lawyer. (It also made me write this book Is God Listening)
“What now” is what led me to Bombay and Kerala, to Burma and Sri Lanka, to Guatemala and Costa Rica. (I should probably write a book on that…oh, wait…)
I now get why travel is so attractive to the broken-hearted and divorced.
I’m going to urge you to do more of it too.
You know what’s different about us?
Our entire lives fell apart.
Everything we had known to be true no longer is.
The life that we had created vanished right in front of our eyes.
Our marriage, our partner, our schedules, possibly our jobs and where we lived, where our children live, etc etc.
Our lives crumbled. Everything changed and nothing made sense anymore.
Which in many ways is like travel.
Imagine waking up in a foreign country that doesn’t speak the language you’re used to, has completely different customs and traditions and appears totally foreign too.
You and I are already used to this!
If you’re experienced in unfamiliar places, foreign surroundings and where nothing makes sense, then travel is perfect.
Except unlike our romantic breakups, travel is welcoming and pleasant.
We welcome in new foods and hospitable people.
We don’t understand languages that are filled with romanticism and adventure.
We see people and places that are unfamiliar but beautiful.
We find ourselves in situations where we might be by ourselves but seem connected to the people around us.
I’m not exactly saying that divorce is a like a trip to Paris but maybe I am
And those of us who are divorced will excel at it.
And those of us who are divorced should do more of it.
Once you see the world you’re familiar with disappear, you adapt and try to make sense of the new world in front of you.
If you’ve done it in divorce, you can do it in travel.
In travel, novelty and unfamiliarity is pleasant and welcoming.
Newness doesn’t mean waking up by yourself in a huge bed in a huge house.
Your newness is waking up in a quaint hotel overlooking beautiful lakes you’ve never seen in your life.
Or trying to buy unpronounceable street food from people who don’t speak the same language as you.
The divorced are experienced in the novel and unfamiliar.
We are trained to start over when everything in unknown.
We didn’t go out for a weekend seminar to learn this.
Divorce taught us to navigate the unfamiliar and uncertain.
It taught us to stand strong and step up when the rug was being pulled from underneath us.
So, travel more often.
Travel to more unfamiliar locations.
Have your external circumstances change regularly until…
you realize that the external can change frequently and often but you still remain the same.
Underneath all the change and unknown is you:
Known, truthful, expanding, growing, soulful.
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I help people overcome their devastating breakups and divorces and find love again. Instead of visiting the Himalayas, sign up below and join me. I am taking a writing break but will be back soon.
This guide is free. A ticket to the Himalayas is $2000. Your move.
