“Wisdom is nothing more than healed pain.” Robert Gary Lee
I opened my eyes in a hospital room in severe pain, not able to move, pipes in my nostrils and other parts of my body. There was a needle in my hand attached to a blood supply bottle.
When I was 6 years old, a stray dog had been chasing a bull down the road. The bull ran over me. I had been walking across the street towards a toy vendor when I heard a loud thumping. Everything in my head turned black.
I had to go through a major operation due to severe internal bleeding. The operation left a big scar on my stomach, I couldn’t play, laugh too loudly, run and dance like other kids, as it created pressure on my internal stitches.
My Indian family was always worried about who would marry me with that scar. I got fat and had a dusky complexion in my teenage years. I was insecure about how I looked. I lacked confidence. By the time I was sixteen, I came to believe that no man would ever love me and that I would be alone for the rest of my life.
Then I fell in love with the first man who showed me the least bit of attention. He was ten years older than I was, an alcoholic, and critical of me. He made my life miserable with his constant taunts and forced intimacy. He took advantage of my self-esteem issues and constantly threatened to leave me if I didn’t do as he said. I didn’t want to leave the only man I ever had (or, I believed, I ever could have), so I did as he asked until the time I started to feel ashamed of belittling myself so much.
The relationship lasted a couple of years until I came to the realization that it wasn’t worth it anymore. I left him and moved on. I focused on college and dedicated myself to my studies and building a career.
In the last year of my Masters, I met someone in class. He was sweet, charming, devilishly good looking, kind and, on top of everything, he treated me well. He made me laugh, he showed me respect and we found ourselves spending too much time together. For me, he was too good to be true, like a guy straight out of a romantic Bollywood movie who entered my life to take away all my pain and misery.
His presence made me feel better about myself and my life. I enjoyed the initial attention and love, but after a while it started to fade. He got busy with his new job and started pulling away from me. I was always insecure about losing him. For me, he was like a trophy that I could flaunt to prove my worth.
When I became too needy and dependent, he broke it off. In my mid-20’s, I found myself sulking, spending endless hours in my office bathroom crying, calling friends at odd hours to share how I felt and looking for ways to heal a broken heart.
I not only lost him; I lost myself, my purpose and my direction in life.
I lost interest in my work and poured my energy into the breakup. At that time, absolutely nothing made sense to me. I had nothing to look forward to in life. My heart and mind were always heavy and my eyes filled with tears.
I kept replaying the good times we had spent together, the images of romance and the future promises that we had made to each other. I constantly cursed myself for being so needy and for pushing him away. I thought about how my more “appropriate” behavior would have saved that relationship and how it was all my fault that it ended. After blaming myself, I started blaming my parents for bringing me up so critically. I started blaming my career for being so demanding. I blamed myself for being so vulnerable.
My demanding job made it difficult to deal with everything, so I quit that as a first step towards taking charge of my life. I had nothing more to lose, so I focused all my energy and attention on making life a little better than it was.
At one point, I decided to spend a day without using the internet. I wanted to find out what else I would do if I didn’t have WhatsApp, YouTube, Facebook, Instragram or any social media.
I pulled out a notebook and pen and started writing about how I felt at that time. I wrote about my past life and experiences. I wrote about how being treated critically had made me feel, I wrote about the accident and the impact it had on me. I didn’t realize that I had started crying, and soon my tears were falling on the notebook I was writing in.
I wiped my tears, kept crying and continued writing. Almost six hours passed, but my urge to write didn’t end. I had been sitting in a café since morning and now it was time to go home. As I closed my notebook and packed my stuff, I felt lighter and happier.
My pain has now become my biggest strength in life. Even after heartbreak and pain, I haven’t lost the soft and vulnerable person inside of myself. I just learnt how to deal with emotions in a better way.
Here are a few things I learnt through my painful experiences and how you can grow from your pain:
1) One person cannot complete or change your life.
Your romantic partner is just another addition to your life; don’t make him your life. Pay attention to your relationship, but have other interests and passions to look forward to.
2) It doesn’t matter what others think.
When I quit my job, my family cursed me for being so stupid. I heard their criticism, but stood strong in what I had done, regardless of what they thought about me. Their harsh comments didn’t bother me anymore. The first step to becoming independent is to stop seeking approval from others, especially the people you’re closest to. You can’t live your life according to what others want.
3) Let yourself fall and fail. Accept problems as they come.
Problems, pain and heartbreak are a part of life. It is okay to have them. It is OKAY to make the same mistake twice or even more, but it is not okay to feel miserable about it all the time. Forgive yourself and forgive others to move on.
4) Use pain to learn and grow.
I allowed myself to take chances, feel awful, cry and sulk, but I also understood how to work through the pain. I used every painful experience as a means to learn, grow and introspect. I never became dependent on any one and I didn’t need anyone to complete me, but at the same time I didn’t stop myself from falling in love again.
5) Work on your personal growth.
Have something bigger in life to look forward to. Live a purposeful life. Write your life goals on a piece of paper and stick them in a place where you can look at them throughout the day. Read self-help books, surround yourself with positive people and pay attention to your thoughts. Replace the negative thoughts with positive affirmations. Practice gratitude.
6) See pain as wisdom.
The biggest learning of my life through all these heartbreaks has been the change in perspective in the way I look at pain. I don’t see pain as a negative or unpleasant emotion anymore. I see it as my seeds of wisdom. I don’t feel like pain is holding me back; instead, it’s pushing me forward. You have a choice with respect to your experiences: you can embrace the amazing experiences that unfold, or you can cry over the painful experiences that will naturally come up.
I look back at my life and smile, grateful for being so brave and not feeling like a victim. I feel gratitude for my inner strength, which allows me to deal with pain the best way I know how.
This is the feeling of freedom and true independence. I now see myself as bigger than my problems: someone who is strong enough to navigate life rather than drift helplessly.
Neha is a short story author and novelist. She shares her life experiences through stories at her blog here. You can also email her at nehabindal 999 (at) gmail.com.
You’re a good person. You did all the right things. You played by the rules.
You are kind, generous, spiritual, giving and helpful. You have always tried to do the right thing. You’re one of the good guys.
So why is love playing such a cruel game with you?
Why does your life feel like complete chaos, as though it’s in shambles?
As you’re going through the pain of a divorce, the sorrow of heartbreak and the grief of a family torn apart, you’re likely asking yourself what went wrong. “Why is this happening to me?”
I certainly asked these questions as I went through my own separation and, ultimately, my divorce.
As you might imagine, I asked myself a lot of questions. Not only “Why is this happening to me?” but “Why is God punishing me?”
I was going through so much turmoil and heartache, I wondered if there was even a God. And if there was a God, was he listening to me? (Those questions, by the way, led me to write a book, titled, appropriately, Is God Listening. You can pick it up here.)
But today, I want to explore the question, “Why is this happening to me?”
If you’re going through heartbreak, divorce or separation, or if you find yourself in a court battle for your children, you’re likely asking this question.
If tears pain you, sleepless nights make you groggy and heartbreak makes you numb, consider the following thoughts as you ask yourself, “Why is this happening to me?”
1) Some questions have no answers.
Asking why something is happening to you is similar to asking why you were born in a certain country or to certain parents, or why someone got a certain disease or sickness.
Folklore, mythology, astrology and our parents want to find an answer, but not everything has an answer.
There may not be an answer, and even if there is one, it may not help you deal with the pain.
Resign yourself to the fact that there may not be an answer to this question and that this is okay.
Confront what life deals you. You don’t have control or the ability to influence what shows up in your life.
2) Choose a more empowering answer.
Let’s say that you still insist on getting an answer to this question.
You have many options in terms of how you can address it.
You can pick disempowering answers like we do in India – It’s your fate. It’s your karma. It’s your “time.” It’s your astrology. It’s your bad acts from a past life.
You can imagine that it’s because you did someone wrong or hurt someone in the past.
Or you can choose more helpful and empowering answers.
This is happening to you as a means of fostering spiritual growth.
Your breakup is happening so that you can set your ideal life into place.
Your divorce is happening to clear up the rubble in your life and to bring you to your soulmate.
You must get through this rough patch to achieve clarity, growth, insight, self-awareness and future happiness.
You are learning to embrace change and working on the art of surrender.
These life happenings are occurring to help you become the best version of yourself.
3) Which of your expectations are not being met?
Another activity is to question which of your life expectations are not being met because of your breakup.
You imagined your life a certain way and had certain expectations and outcomes that you, your family, your community and your culture shaped.
Everyone expected that you would do things a certain way and live a certain way.
Now that things are falling apart, life no longer seems in your control.
What is it you imagined for your life? What did you expect to have?
How is this current situation disappointing your expectations and desires?
Hopefully, you’ll come to see that it’s not the current situation itself that’s a problem in your life – it’s your unmet desires and expectations.
Not getting what you want – or, possibly, resisting the current situation – is the cause of your current pain.
4) How is this circumstance serving your highest purpose?
Instead of asking why this is happening to you, ask how this experience will transform your life and lead you to your highest purpose.
If you were put on earth for some reason, and I believe you were, how will this experience help you realize your highest potential?
I truly believe that heartbreak, divorce and struggles are setups for breakthroughs that help us find our purpose.
Your job now is not so much to survive the breakup, but to come through it as a new person and to discover what it is you’re here for.
5) How do you get through the intensity of your experience and the ups and downs of daily living?
Now is not the time to ask, “Why me?”
It’s time to figure out how to get through this roller coaster of a situation you’re in.
To come up with a strategy, an action plan and day-to-day activities that help you get out of bed and get through the day.
Time to separate your stuff, find a place to live and have some stability in your life.
Now is the time for legal paperwork and signing on the dotted line.
Time for self-care, healing and recovery.
6) Who do I need in my life for support and guidance during this time?
You don’t have your ex in your life, so you might feel like you have no one.
That sure was the way I felt when I was going through my divorce – like I didn’t want to share the weight of my problems with the people who loved me.
In my case, the people who loved me were not always very constructive in their help, so there’s that. They were trying to sabotage the divorce and were insisting on us staying together. While their intentions may have been good, the effect was harmful.
So, naturally, I kept away from them.
But there were others who would have easily supported and helped me during this time. I should have relied on them more.
I did have a counselor who offered help.
God certainly helped, and my faith became much stronger during this time.
As much as we like to think we’re action heroes, we’re not. We’ve been able to keep it together most of our lives, but during these difficult days, we need help, support, love and encouragement.
Reach out to the people in your life who can help you, support you and be there for you.
7) What choices are in my power? What control do I have in my life?
You might not be able to change the circumstances or anything that stems from those circumstances.
What is in your power is the way you react to what’s going on around you.
You can’t do anything about the fact that your husband left you for someone else. You can, however, get your house in order, work on your legal affairs and start transitioning to a life on your own. You can move toward a place where you’re emotionally and financially stable so that you can meet new people.
You know that famous Viktor Frankl quote? “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
This applies to your life now.
You have the tools, skills, abilities and life experience to handle the circumstances in front of you.
You might feel crushed and unmotivated by the gravity of the situation, but your resilient spirit will help you find a way out. You can put together a plan, take affirmative steps toward healing and get through this crisis!
You can’t get out of the place you’re currently in, but ask yourself: what can you do today that will help you improve the situation?
8) Who do I need to shine the light for? How is this situation preparing to be of service?
I want you to think about this as the storms rage in your life.
You’re going to come out of this experience and you’re going to come out of it stronger than you were when you went in.
Every lesson you’re learning, every battle you’re facing and every struggle you’re overcoming will serve a purpose.
Your life, your lessons and your resilience will be the guideposts and lights for someone else.
Keep this in the back of your mind.
You are currently a student of struggle, but one day you will be a teacher.
Your story might become a book, a blog, a movie, a play.
Your story might affect someone who hears it and becomes inspired.
Your story can be a reminder to your kids, who will recall what you went through and use the situation to keep them going when their own lives get difficult.
You never know who is going to experience inspiration, hope or empowerment because of the fact that you simply lived your life and survived your current situation.
During your darkest hour, you can continue grappling with that question – “Why is this happening to me?” – or you can ask yourself more empowering questions.
Think about who can support you, how you can survive and what you can do every day to get through your current circumstances.
At the same time, consider how this situation is serving your highest purpose and who you’ll be able to help by making it through.
Imagine, if you can, that this gargantuan life shake-up isn’t here to bring you down and ruin you, but to serve you and lift you higher.
Once you get through the storms, clear skies and sunshine await.
If you would like to learn more about the book I wrote, Is God Listening, click here.
“It’s not whether you get knocked down; it’s whether you get up.” Vince Lombardi
Not everyone’s worst moments look the same.
You may have lost your job, gotten divorced or made a terrible financial decision.
Our circumstances may be different, but the journey to overcome them is quite similar.
My rock bottom was the deterioration of my health.
Growing up I ate whatever I wanted. I figured as long as I worked out and stayed active it didn’t matter what went into my body.
I was playing NCAA basketball. I worked out 7 days a week. I was in great shape. All while eating a diet consisting of take out food and the dollar menu.
In my second year of college my habits caught up to me. I woke up one morning with a dagger sharp pain in my stomach I’ve never felt before.
I spent two days in bed before deciding I needed to go to the hospital. Once I got there I didn’t leave for five days.
Turns out I had a severe case of Pancreatitis. Basically, part of my Pancreas was dead.
“Dead is dead.”
The doctor told me, if I didn’t take care of myself, it would spread and kill me.
I couldn’t believe it. On the outside, I looked completely healthy, but inside my body was literally falling apart.
When I was released to go home I had two choices: continue the downward spiral of not taking care of myself or, I could start making changes.
Changing the past is never an option, we can only deal with life by each moment.
Before I could change I had to admit that who I was wasn’t who I was supposed to be.
The Defining Moment To Turn Your Life Around
“The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln
Once you accept what life’s handed to you, you can focus on what you need to do to make things better.
Realizing where I was, being only 19 and seeing where I was headed if I continued my poor habits, the decision to change was simple.
When your life crashes to the ground and you’re unhappy with your current situation, it comes down to making the decision to change.
Starting a new diet or finding a therapist, sure, those are great ideas. But it’s useless action if you aren’t certain you want to turn your life around.
You can do whatever you want with your body but none of it will matter if you don’t bring your mind with you.
The Beauty Of Revival
After leaving the hospital, I started making changes in the food I consumed and found passion in taking care of myself.
The biggest change, however, was in my mind.
Part of my pancreas was no longer alive. A once living part of my body was now dead. Instead of letting it ruin me, I decided it meant the rest of me needed to come to life.
I started listening to my body and how it felt. Life came one step at a time. As a by-product of my body feeling better, I felt lighter and happier as well.
Turns out the changes I made would pay off greater than I ever expected.
Five months later I was back in the hospital to meet with the doctor for a check up. I was put to sleep so he could put a microscopic camera down my throat to get a better look at my Pancreas.
When I woke up even the daze from the anesthesia couldn’t hide the amazement I saw in the doctor’s eyes.
“Your Pancreas has fully restored and looks perfectly normal. I’m not sure how, but it’s revived.”
What the doctor also didn’t know was that it wasn’t only my pancreas, but my entire life that had gone through a revival.
Realizing the seriousness of my situation, that my poor habits could destroy me if I continued them, I found new meaning in life.
It was only when I heard that part of my body was dead that I fully understood how fragile life truly is. More importantly, I learned how crucial it is to enjoy every ounce of the life we have.
So crucial, in fact, that it brought a non-functional part of my body back to life.
The Greatest Comeback Of Your Life
“It’s not what you go through that defines you. It’s what you do after you’ve gone through it that really tests who you are.” – Unknown
Your family and friends might have it easier than you, and it’s not fair.
But no matter how difficult your health journey, no matter how much you’ve gone through, you can turn it around starting now.
Looking back, there were three steps I took to turn my negative experience into a positive outcome.
1) Accept – Embrace the past and accept there’s nothing you can do about what’s already happened.
Before I could take better care of my health I had to understand what I was doing that put myself in the position I was in, such as poor nutrition and staying up late. I had to accept what my choices led to and put it behind me.
2) Correct – In every circumstance there’s things you did well and things you didn’t do well. Your job is to maximize the first and minimize the latter.
Even though my eating habits weren’t great, I worked out every day, which was a confidence boost for me. I knew I was taking care of my body at least in one way and I used it as motivation to start a healthier diet.
3) Relax – Life is a work in progress. Things won’t happen overnight and it’s inevitable that you’ll still make mistakes. Trust the process and believe that if you stick with it, good things will happen.
While I’ve never eaten fast food since, I do slip up with my sweet tooth sometimes. I don’t get down on myself when it happens. It’s a reminder to not take life so seriously and that as long as my next meal is healthy I’ll be okay.
If you want to make a comeback, these simple steps will get you started. Because the truth is, you’ve been through enough. It’s time for you to experience true happiness and how great life can be.
You deserve something better, and it’s time for you to have it.
One Last Thing
When I was sent home from the hospital I had two decisions: to do nothing and accept my fate, or take action and change my life.
Now you have to make the same decision.
When it all boils down, turning your life into a life you love and appreciate starts with you.
No one can make you change, no one can make you see the world through a new lens.
No one can tell you what to do with your life.
That power lies within you.
George Mortimer lives in his van to pursue a life of freedom. He works online to inspire people like you to create more freedom and live a life you love. Download his two brand new ebooks for free here.
I’ve struggled to come out of my life’s worst point over the last couple of years.
You’ve accompanied me on this journey back from heartbreak.
You’ve laughed with me, cried with me, inspired me and walked with me back on this journey to healing a broken heart.
When my world was colorless, your friendship was the color.
When I was down and out, you read the words on this page.
When I shared my deepest pains and struggles, you stood there as calm and resolute as ever – listening.
You may have been learning from me but I was learning from you too.
Every comment you made mattered. Every post you read mattered. Every email you sent me helped.
And now that I can breathe again and see again and feel life again, I thank you for you sticking around. Thank you for reading and thank you for your friendship.
I can’t repay you but can thank you and be forever grateful to you.
I can share this gift of my heart and soul with you.
Today, I release 10 Sacred Laws of Healing a Broken Heart: Let go of the Past, Mend Your Heart and Find Love Again
And I want to gift it to you on your own path to healing.
Please find this book available on Amazon.com FREE from May 11, 201 – May 15, 2015.
I ask you to read and learn more about my journey to healing a broken heart and moving on with my life.
For a preview of the book, here are the 10 Sacred Laws of Healing:
1) The Law of Acceptance: Learn how to deal with and accept the pain of heartbreak.
2) The Law of Compassion: How to love yourself and care for yourself after you’ve ended a relationship
3) The Law of Oneness: Forgive and learn to overcome your ego. Learn the power of forgiveness and see your ex and yourself as one.
4) The Law of Letting Go: Learn to let go of your ex’s role in your life and how to show gratitude towards them.
5) The Law of Truth: How to live an authentic life based on your truth.
6) The Law of Now: Find out how to stop living in the past, replaying the heartbreak in your mind and enjoy this moment.
7) The Law of Wisdom: How do you take the lessons you’ve learned from heartbreak to apply them to your life.
8) The Law of the Soul: Heartbreak can lead you to a soul awakening. How do you get quiet and start living a more soulful life.
9) The Law of Creation: Encouragement to start over, rebuild and recreate a new life for yourself. Time for new beginnings.
10) The Law of New Love: How to trust again and love again. Use this knowledge to bring new love and a new relationship in.
You can get a free copy of your book from Amazon.com here. After May 15, the book will be available for purchase.
For the US, click here.
For India, click here.
For the UK, click here.
For Australia, click here.
For Canada, here.
If you read it and enjoy it, I have a humble request – please take a moment or two and leave a review of the book on Amazon.com. Your review will be valued and appreciated.
It’s not over. You can comeback and get over whatever adversity is standing in your way.
It’s me again and this time, we’re going to try video so I can give it to you straight (and in person).
I have a very simple but powerful message for those of you who are going through tough times – you can get through it.
Why do I know this to be true? Because I’m living proof of it – I made it through and I’m going to share with you the 3 important lessons I learned to help you survive the tough times.
Click above to learn more. Thank you for living courageously and standing up to face the difficult times that face you.
Hi, I’m Vishnu
I help people overcome their devastating breakups and divorces and find love again. Instead of visiting the Himalayas, sign up below and join me. I am taking a writing break but will be back soon.
This guide is free. A ticket to the Himalayas is $2000. Your move.
