If you’re looking for love in your life after a divorce or breakup, you’re likely wondering about a rather basic question.
How do you love?
It’s a simple question, I know, but have you really thought about what love looks like? What does it mean to love someone? What actions constitute love? How do you cultivate healthier relationships? How do you open yourself to new connections and invite more love into your life?
We learn all kinds of things growing up – algebra, chemistry, even art, but not love.
You may have some twisted or unhealthy views of love.
While our parents may have tried to raise us to be productive people, they weren’t too focused on raising loving people.
If love for you was like love for me, you grew up learning that love can be painful, love can be hurtful, love can be condescending, love can be sarcastic, love can be physically hurtful and emotionally scarring.
So…if you grew up with negative views of love, found yourself in destructive and abusive love relationships, and have a skewed view of what real love is, what do you do?
Don’t get me started. You can’t take cues from the media or the movies, which have some pretty clichéd views of love and are set on selling you stuff – diamonds, chocolates, insurance and everything in between.
So, love – how do you love? How do you prioritize loving others in action? How do you nurture relationships?
Introducing: Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges (Harper Collins, 2015) by the kindest and most genuine blogger I know, Lori Deschene.
All of us who follow the Tiny Buddha blog know what a source of constant wisdom and insight it is. Lori regularly hosts regular people who talk about their life challenges, lessons learned and life how-to’s. The brilliance of Tiny Buddha is how the advice and wisdom come from our collective experiences and wisdom – not from some outsider or enlightened being. The blog reminds us that you and I are each tiny Buddhas!
In her latest book, Lori has compiled dozens of stories from people who share their experiences with receiving and giving love. She shares a story by author Vironika Tugaleve, who relates her struggle with her visits home to her critical parents. Over a conversation about a related topic of unmet expectations, Vironika shares her realization about her parents.
“I kept showing up, time after time, expecting different people to magically appear. I kept expecting that they would change…” she writes. The next time she went home, she let go of these expectations and assumptions, and found that her relationship with her parents changed. “Suddenly, I could see them for who they were. They were, and always will be, flawed and beautiful, just like me. I could suddenly smile at their criticism and laugh at their judgment.”
In one of the more touching essays in the book, Lori shares her experience of selling newspapers alongside a homeless vendor named Lou. Lori’s job was to draw attention to her and Lou with excitement and enthusiasm so that papers would sell; Lou would earn more if she sold more papers. One morning as she was selling papers, Lori had an unexpected run-in with a fashionable and trendy former classmate. The friend was planning to move to New York and audition for acting parts, following her dreams.
The interaction and Lori’s doubts about her own future and ability made her feel deflated and disconnected. She lost her enthusiasm for selling the papers for a few minutes until she looked over at Lou.
“I realized I was letting him down. When I wasn’t worrying about who I thought was better than me, I felt better about myself, did better for the people around me, and was better able to make the best of what I was doing. I could either focus on my perceived weaknesses or continue using my strengths.”
Lori got back to her job and started to sell more papers…for Lou.
Her insight: “But I suspect we worry that other people are better than us because we want to feel worthy of connection and happiness…I now know the key is to believe we are worthy – regardless of what we’ve achieved – and to act like it.”
As important as these insights and realizations from Lori and guest contributors are, the real power in the book is the 365 actions that Lori poses for us, grouped by category: kindfulness and thoughtfulness, compassion and understanding, releasing anger and forgiving, honesty and trust, and more.
Yes, 365 challenges you can start applying each and every day of the year. Use these challenges to change someone’s day, connect with someone, feel more love and be more love to the people around you.
These challenges are what love looks like.
Will you take the challenge?
Simple challenges you can do like these:
♥ Introducing yourself to a neighbor you’ve never met or don’t know very well.
♥ Saying good morning to everyone you encounter when you arrive at work, starting everyone’s day with positive energy.
♥ Write “hurt people hurt people” on a Band-Aid and stick it somewhere you’ll see often to remind yourself that the most difficult people are often in the most pain.
♥ Convey to someone that you understand their feelings.
♥ Start a conversation with someone who has a different opinion than you do so that you can practice listening and understanding someone else’s point of view.
♥ Ask someone, “How are you really?” and then listen without trying to fix things, without any goal other than being there and fully hearing them.
♥ Tell a friend, “I love that you…” and then finish the sentence with something not everyone may notice or appreciate about that person.
♥ Buy a $5 gift card and carry it in your purse or wallet to give to someone you think would appreciate it.
♥ Eliminate the word “should” from your vocabulary today to help you foster greater acceptance and judge others – and yourself – less.
♥ In conversations today, give up the need to be right and to prove others wrong.
♥ Tell someone the most important thing you’ve learned from him or her, and thank this person for the gift.
♥ Share something you enjoy with someone in your life.
♥ Give yourself a break. Schedule a little time into your day to simply be.
♥ Pay someone a compliment for something you believe they’re insecure about to help boost their confidence.
♥ Give a warm piece of clothing you no longer need to a homeless person, or leave it in a donation bin.
Yes, not only these ideas, but there are 350 more for you, for every day of the year.
If you don’t have enough love or connection in your life, pick up this book.
If you don’t know how to form or improve relationships with people around you, pick up this book.
If you don’t have enough self-acceptance and love for yourself, this book is for you too.
This book is more than a book – it’s your tiny love coach, inspiring you to take action every day to create a fulfilling and connected life. Don’t fall into the trap of just reading it – take some time every day of the year to practice love.
If you’re coming out of a divorce or breakup and can see this book as a tool to help you love again, drop me a note about how this book can help. Lori has been kind enough to offer a free copy of her book to one reader. I look forward to hearing from you via email and giving away a copy of this book.
To purchase a copy of Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges, click here.
“Oh no, not I. I will survive – Oh as long as I know how to love, I know I will stay alive.” Gloria Gaynor
After your divorce, the world as you know it flips upside down.
Your colorful world turns black and white. Hope disappears and your dreams vanish.
What do you do now to piece your life back together when you have no plans, dreams or future that you can see? What do you do after the disruption and chaos of heartbreak? How do you start over after divorce?
Here are 8 tips to create a new action plan and start over after divorce and build a new life for yourself.
1. Take care of yourself.
The most important thing you can do to start over is to care for yourself after your divorce.
♥ Find friends, family or colleagues who will be there for you, listen to you and help you survive this difficult period.
♥ If your feelings are overwhelming, reach out to counselors or therapists you can share your feelings with.
♥ Be willing to explore and accept what you’re feeling instead of resisting it. Consider writing in a journal about what you’re feeling and experiencing.
♥ Take time off from work if possible, or take an extended vacation to care for your health, mind and spirit. (To learn about the Self-Romance manifesto, click here)
♥ Try yoga, meditation, running, exercise or other healthy ways of caring for yourself.
♥ Be mindful of the thoughts and words you use towards yourself. When you want to blame and judge yourself, opt for kindness and compassion instead.
2. Forgiveness
The earlier you forgive after your divorce, the easier it will be to move on.
Forgive first; don’t wait until you get to a place of wanting to forgive.
Write a letter to your ex, forgiving him or her for all the ways he or she hurt you. Also, include a letter asking forgiveness for your part of the relationship.
Do not send this letter. It’s only for you to write and then read out loud.
3. Take it one day at a time
You’re going to feel in a daze and like you don’t have a future.
You just have to get through each day. Plan what you need to do today and get that done. Nothing less, nothing more.
Simply going to work, going for a walk or preparing lunch is enough.
Don’t worry about the future for now.
4. Get clear on who you are
Your thoughts will be on your ex and the pain you’re feeling.
When both subside, try to get a better idea of who you are and discover your essence.
Figure out your values and what matters to you. Prioritize your life based on what’s important, and ruthlessly remove everything that isn’t.
When you’re starting over, you can start anew – you pick what you want in your life and what needs to go.
5. Open your heart and awaken your soul.
Now is the time to go within and find out who you are; remove all the layers of your character that your relationship has hidden.
It’s time to reflect on how you showed up in your relationship and how your behavior contributed to the relationship.
Heartbreak is an opportune time to connect with your spirit and soul.
Walk in nature, meditate, watch a sunset or visit a natural setting – anything that allows you to get quiet and go within. Make time to connect with this wisdom-filled and light-shining part of yourself.
6. Visualize a new life for yourself
You might not be ready for a new life or able to imagine that one exists, but it does.
You can create a new life for yourself – one that’s richer and better than the one you had with your ex.
Close your eyes and take yourself into the future. Paint a picture of what you’d like to see and what your ideal life is like.
Hold this visualization in your mind’s eye until it manifests itself in your life.
7. Pursue your heart’s calling
Do you have a dream or lifelong desire to do something with your life?
Is this experience of heartbreak helping you realize why you’re here on earth?
A big shake-up like a divorce can help you clarify your life’s purpose and transition into it.
A divorce can help you lessen your fears, get clarity in your life and obtain the courage to live your purpose.
8. Stay hopeful and welcome new beginnings.
Yes, you’ve gone through turmoil and pain, but continue to stay hopeful.
You’ve suffered the worst and survived excruciating pain; now your life can only get better. Suffering doesn’t last forever, and brighter days are on the horizon.
Allow your divorce to welcome new changes, new beginnings and a new life.
When you’ve dried your tears and lessened your pain, your best life awaits you – one filled with happiness, peace and a supportive relationship. Remember, you can start over and you can survive this divorce.
To pick up a copy of my book, 10 Sacred Laws of Healing a Broken Heart, to help you heal from heartbreak, click here.
How do you survive a divorce if you’re going through one today?
You may be trying to survive the thunderstorms of divorce in your life. You’re likely feeling lost, confused, and heartbroken, among many other feelings.
Yes, you’re angry beyond words and hurt beyond feelings to the point that you’re numb from the suffering.
You’re feeling hopeless about the future. Will you survive this divorce? What happens next? Is there even a future for you? Will you find happiness again?
Having survived a failed marriage, heartbreak, and profound sadness, I feel like I can share my experience with you and remind you that, yes, all those things are possible. You can absolutely survive a divorce.
In fact, I want you to know that my heartbreak and eventual divorce was the best thing that happened in my life and that I am more grateful to my ex than to anyone else I know.
If you’re emotionally drained, mentally strained, and physically tired from the pain and burden of a broken heart after divorce, I want to share these 21 reminders with you to help you survive a divorce.
21 encouraging reminders to help you survive a divorce
1. You’ll survive this like you have before.
You’ve gone through similar painful experiences in your life. You’ve stood strong before and you can survive divorce. You will go through ups and downs, the darkest hour, and your life’s lowest point, but I know that you will come out and still be standing when the pain goes away.
No matter how much you want to disappear from the world and how far away you want to go, know that you will make it through. You’re a survivor – you keep going even when all hope seems gone because you know in your heart that things WILL get better. You know that your day will come.
2. Your life starts over when you forgive.
It seems like you can’t move on and do anything.
You see your ex around, and you’re filled with rage, jealousy, anger, and resentment. What your ex did to you was criminal – how does he get away with such pain and torture while you’re left to suffer?
When you see yourself as the victim of heartbreak and divorce, you can’t move on. The only way out is to forgive your ex – early, often and throughout your grief.
You might think that you have to get to a place of forgiveness to forgive.
Wrong!
You forgive first even when you don’t feel like forgiving. You then receive the benefits of forgiveness – peace after divorce, compassion, and healing. The act of forgiveness comes first…
You must be willing to let go of the grudge no matter how badly your ex treated you, even if he or she betrayed you and intentionally hurt you. You must be willing to forgive if they ran off with someone else or chose someone else over you.
Only you can choose when you’ve had enough of the pain and suffering.
When you’ve had enough personal turmoil, forgive so that you can move on.
3. You don’t need a reason why this is happening to you.
We strive in our lives to know “why” about everything. When we know why something is happening, we can understand it.
Let go of your desire to know.
Your divorce is happening simply because it is – not because you’re a bad person or because it’s your fate or karma or any such thing.
Life happens in cycles. You’re going through a downturn, but like housing markets, stock markets, and Mother Nature herself, your life’s going to be back on the upswing.
Sun comes after the rain. Dawn breaks after dark.
4. Your suffering will lead to growth.
Don’t ask me how or why, but your most fabulous self awaits you after your divorce.
Once you go through a divorce, you begin an intense process of self-reflection, introspection, and self-awareness.
Once you stop thinking about your ex and what went wrong in the relationship, you’ll begin to reflect on your behavior, habits, and characteristics.
Remember, there’s nothing flawed about you, and you’re not inadequate in any way.
Allow the healing process to give you an opportunity to make adjustments, improve yourself, and become the best version of you.
5. Your ex will be your greatest spiritual teacher.
Do you think you need a spiritual guru to gain insights into yourself and discover who you truly are?
Nope, your ex-lover can help with all that. Your former spouse can be your greatest spiritual teacher.
You won’t believe how much your ex has shaken up your life, penetrated your heart, and awakened your soul. When your relationship rocks your physical and emotional worlds, you are ready to learn the spiritual lessons of life.
Your ex will help you learn forgiveness, gratitude, how to let go, how to live in the present moment and how to embrace life’s changes.
6. Your divorce will open your heart to new love.
Your old relationship may have been dysfunctional and full of fights; it didn’t serve you very well. Isn’t it time to celebrate the fact that it’s over and that you now have the opportunity to find the right person for you?
How could you find Mr. Right if you were with Mr. Absolutely Wrong?
You know yourself better now, so when you are ready to meet people again, you’ll have a much better understanding of yourself and who you’re looking for.
7. You have to grieve before letting go.
Time will not heal your wounds. You can’t deny that your relationship ended. You must acknowledge that it’s over and go through the grieving process.
You’ll have to experience the feelings that come with heartbreak, learn to cope with them and then release the unhealthy emotions to survive a divorce.
Practice self-compassion and take care of yourself emotionally and physically while you’re grieving. Keep people in you your support system close to you.
Build up your forgiveness muscle so that you can forgive your ex and heal your heart.
8. You choose when you’re ready to move on.
Again, time won’t heal your wounds, but you can choose when you’d like to move on. If you’re ready to move on now, start the healing process now.
Begin with forgiveness. Let go of the past now. Start embracing your emotions now.
If you resist the healing process or can’t accept that the relationship is over, you’re simply postponing your ability to move on.
9. You don’t need a relationship right now.
As much as you think you should, don’t start another relationship right now.
While loneliness and sadness will consume your life, do yourself a favor and stay out of a romantic relationship.
You need friends, supporters, family and colleagues who will be there for you – not someone who will help you avoid or resist the grieving process.
Say “no” to a new relationship until you’re truly ready to move on.
10. You’re going to be able to embrace massive changes.
If you were change-resistant before, divorce will change that. Now that the unexpected and the unimaginable have happened, you’re going to be able to deal with anything that comes up in your life.
Once the world as you know it has flipped upside down, you’re going to have the strength and resilience to confront anything else like this in the future. You can embrace any change.
11. Your purpose is waiting for you now.
You might have been waiting your whole life to discover your purpose and your life’s calling.
Well, now in the midst of agony and sorrow, you’re going to find it. Your life’s purpose will call out to you in the midst of tragedy and pain.
You will get clearer than ever on why you are here on earth.
12. Your deepest pain will deliver your greatest insights.
Not only will you discover your life’s purpose, you’ll have all kinds of insights during your grieving period. You’ll get insight about the meaning of your life and who you are as a person.
You’ll have the opportunity to go within and get the answers to many of the questions you’ve had in your life.
The way to get these insights is to ask the questions and listen to the answers. The answers will come to you through your wise inner voice; be more observant of it.
13. You’ll learn what’s important to you.
Maybe you were having trouble figuring out what you care about and what’s important.No more.
When your world feels upside down, what matters will matter. You can cut out everything else from your life.
If an activity or person is bringing you down, let it go. Now is the time to protect yourself. Keep what matters and let go of what doesn’t – friends, activities, hobbies and even your job.
14. You can get through one day at a time.
When you think about the entirety of your relationship from beginning to end, or about the gravity of the breakup, you won’t be able to get out of bed in the morning. If you think about how devastating this is, or how gloomy your future looks, you’ll feel paralyzed.
You can get through the days if you take them one day at a time.
Think only about what you’re going to do today and how you’re going to make it through the day.
Write up a short to-do list, prioritize your day the night before and keep your commitments to a minimum. One day at a time is the only way to survive this rocky period.
15. Your compassion and empathy meters will skyrocket.
Once you survive a divorce, you’re going to be more compassionate about and empathetic to others’ pain. This is one of the gifts of divorce that will change you as a person.
Before, you might not have been as perceptive or considerate of other people and their feelings as you are now.
You will see and feel more pain in others around you – the same pain you’ve suffered yourself. When you see others’ pain and suffering, ask yourself what you can do to serve.
16. You’re going to care a lot about what people think, then never give a damn again.
When you are going through a divorce, not only will the pain be too much to bear, the embarrassment and shame of having to explain your status to others can be difficult to face.
Initially, you’ll care a lot about what others think. Others in your life will pry and try to get at the personal details of your life. They’ll judge, spread rumors and gossip.
Now is the time to realize that these opinions don’t matter. Let these people feel and say what they want. Know that their actions and behaviors don’t have any bearing in your life.
Living your life to the tune of others’ expectations will only lead to misery and sadness. You now have the opportunity to stop caring about what other people think.
17. You need friends and supporters on your side.
No matter how embarrassed or ashamed you might feel, it’s too much to bear the pain on your own. Seek out your friends, family and supporters and spend time with them. I didn’t do this for some time, and it was probably my biggest regret.
You don’t have to unload your relationship issues to them – just spend time with them and enjoy their company. Allow them to be there for you.
18. Caring for yourself isn’t selfish.
During all the other times in your life, you would have felt guilty getting a massage, taking a vacation or buying yourself something nice.
As you’re feeling the pain of heartbreak and the grief of loneliness, you have permission to take care of yourself.
It’s not selfish to take care of yourself physically, spiritually and emotionally.
Get a massage, take a yoga class, get more sleep or take some time to exercise every day.
Visit a church, temple or flower garden to take in the scenery.
Paint, visit museums – do whatever it is that you used to enjoy doing. Now is the time to indulge.
19. Others love and want you.
Just because your partner walked out or ended the relationship doesn’t mean that you’re unworthy or unwanted.
Think about all the people in your life who love you and deeply care about you – your parents, kids, uncles, aunts, family and friends.
Your colleagues at work and the people you’ve helped in the past.You’re a gift in this world. The fact that one person can’t appreciate you doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you.
You are here for a purpose; you are here to give and share and love.
The fact that one person doesn’t want you frees up your energy so that you can be there for the people who love and value you.
You’re going to see your true worth now, minus the person who has held you back.
20. You can choose to stop replaying the past in your mind.
Yes, you can.
The reason you’re likely replaying the past is the same reason I was replaying my relationship over and over in my mind.
See, when our relationships end or when we confront major changes that we don’t want to experience, we can hold onto the past by replaying it in our minds.
Even when the world is falling apart, we can go back to this happy place and replay the good days and times with our ex.
The problem here is that you’re resisting what’s happening in your life now and keeping yourself stuck in a past that no longer exists.
Catch yourself slipping away to the past and bring yourself back to the present. Look at the past with gratitude, but wish it farewell.
21. You can rewrite your life’s story.
There are two distinct stories you can tell yourself about what you’re experiencing.
Your heart’s broken, you’ve wasted your life and you’ll never find love again.
Or you can rewrite another story with the same set of facts.
You found yourself in a relationship that didn’t work, but in the process, you learned a lot about yourself and relationships in general. You’re now much more insightful and know exactly what type of partner you’re looking for. You’re ready for a more compatible relationship and ready to meet your soul mate.
I know how devastating the end of a relationship can be, and how much turmoil it can cause.
I want to remind you that you are going to survive this and come back stronger than before.
You can rewrite the story of your life’s heartbreak and welcome new love into your life.
You can survive a divorce. You got this.
* To pick up my book, 10 Sacred Laws of Healing a Broken Heart, click here. Or pick up The Sacred Art of Letting Gohere. (affiliate links)
Heart racing. Pulse dashing. Legs shaking. Heart tearing.
When a spouse cheats on you, you’re going to experience the deepest sense of betrayal you can imagine.
Complete and utter devastation.
An emotional and physical betrayal by the person you loved can feel worse than any feeling you’ve ever experienced.
The feelings of rejection will be sky high. You’ll feel like you’re going through a slow torture – with stabbing pains to your heart and soul.
A spouse cheating on you can be physically crippling, like someone stabbed you with a knife.
It seems so senseless and irrational – how could someone do something so cruel and callous to you?
What do you do?
How do you move past infidelity in your marriage?
How do you breathe again or even get out of bed in the morning? How do you deal with the betrayal, the destruction of your life as you know it and the deathly loneliness that fills your life?
Here are 6 ways to begin the healing process and move on when your spouse has had an affair.
1) It’s not personal.
Your immediate reaction to a cheating spouse is that you’re the one who caused this to happen and your spouse is doing this to hurt you.
Likely, you didn’t. And neither did your spouse.
It has nothing to do with you. Yes, there were problems in your relationship and there’s something missing, but your cheating spouse was not doing this to intentionally hurt you.
It could have been your spouse’s way of saying that there was a problem. Or it could have been a way for your spouse to express himself in a way he didn’t know how.
Take a step back and allow yourself to understand the full picture.
Anger and hatred will fuel your initial reaction, but allow it to simmer so that you can really see what’s going on with your relationship and your spouse.
2) Build a support network to deal with the loneliness
The person who has been closest to you in your life is now missing.
Your spouse has broken the ultimate trust you shared. You’ll feel shattered by your relationship and the extreme sense of loneliness in your life.
Instead of hiding out and not talking to anyone out of humiliation, find any way to build a support system and reconnect with people who can provide emotional and mental support.
This incident will likely be the most stressful thing you’ve ever experienced in your life. You can go it alone but it’s straining and difficult.
Let others in your life who can be there for support, understanding and companionship.
During a time of extreme loneliness, you need others there in your life.
Let others in and connect so you feel less depressed and lonely.
Talk to a friend, family member, pastor or counselor. Having someone there for you and listening to you is an important way to process the devastation you’re feeling.
3) Seek compassion and empathy.
In the initial aftershock of finding out about a cheating spouse, you’ll have trouble feeling anything positive about him.
Once a bit of time has passed and the shock has worn off, attempt understanding and compassion.
What about your spouse’s life and story led to this?
What is your spouse going through? What is your spouse healing from?
You don’t have to excuse your spouse or forget that he cheated on you, but find some understanding and compassion for your spouse’s actions.
4) Find any path to forgiveness.
While adultery is about the worst thing someone can do to you, I am going to ask you to find a way to forgive your spouse for the pain he’s caused.
Not forgive and forget – just forgive.
The reason to forgive is that if you don’t you’re going to walk around life with resentment and bitterness.
If you don’t forgive, you can’t move on.
If you don’t forgive, you’ll continue to see yourself as a victim.
If you don’t forgive, you’ll allow your spouse to continue hurting and ripping out your heart every day. You’ll prolong the pain and anger your spouse caused.
You’ll allow your spouse to hurt you again and again and again.
You don’t get to a place of forgiveness to forgive – you forgive first.
You have to gather every ounce of compassion, sympathy, empathy and courage to walk through the door of forgiveness.
5) In the moment living
You’ve heard about how to live in the moment throughout your life but now is the time to practice present moment living.
You’ll feel dead and your life is over – you won’t be able to imagine a future for yourself. Tomorrow will seem so bleak.
When you can’t think about or envision life tomorrow, you have to take it one day at a time.
Or one moment at a time.
Now, is the time in your life to practice in the moment living. Just living for this moment without reflecting on the past or the future.
It’s by no means easy to do.
Starting a mindfulness or meditation practice are a couple ways to watch your mind and your thoughts. Observe your thoughts when they go away from the present moment. Strive to keep bringing your thoughts back to this moment.
This moment is all you have. In this moment, everything is fine.
Yesterday is filled with nostalgia and memories – it doesn’t exist.
Tomorrow is filled with unknowns and uncertainty – it doesn’t exist.
I help people overcome their devastating breakups and divorces and find love again. Instead of visiting the Himalayas, sign up below and join me. I am taking a writing break but will be back soon.
This guide is free. A ticket to the Himalayas is $2000. Your move.
