I hate to say this, friends, but I really am doing well under the circumstances.
This feels too similar to the uncertainty I had in my love life.
I was supposed to be a nomad in 2020, traveling the world and working. All was going well until COVID struck Malaysia in force in February.
I was visiting Malaysia, where my family lives when the government decided that a lockdown and country-wide shutdown was necessary.
This then led to a once in a lifetime opportunity to spend some quality time with the parents, which I have never done in my adult life.
What a fascinating (and by that, I mean, thrilling) time it’s been.
I would love to share my Dad’s astrological predictions according to Indian astrologers about when Corona will end or my Mom’s take on what started the pandemic (she’s vacillating between the deep state and a Chinese lab experiment gone wrong).
God, send help if you’re reading.
Anyway, some of this seems unfamiliar since I’ve never lived through a pandemic and lockdown. Yet so much of this feels oddly familiar.
It’s odd to say this out loud but I feel like I can do pandemics that feel like the world is ending.
I feel like I can do self-isolation, social distancing and lockdown like a seasoned veteran.
As a matter of fact, almost a decade ago, this is basically how I spent my life.
For nearly a year after my divorce, I pretty much stayed home, cried and watched Joel Osteen and Oprah on Sunday mornings. I went to work occasionally and to yoga class weekly. Other than that, I didn’t speak to a single person I knew.
Indian families, like mine, didn’t understand or support divorces. I was the first in my family.
I was so embarrassed, ashamed and felt like a failure that I didn’t feel like talking to friends either.
I was in my own self-quarantine of grief.
Once you’ve gone through something like this before, a pandemic is something you can do in your sleep.
I can crush this pandemic like the divorce that crushed me.
What I am coming to see is that there is going to be a lot of uncertainty in the world after this event is over.
What will happen to our daily lives?
The places we live in?
The world as we know it?
I have no idea about these things but I do have some idea about how to deal with uncertain times in our love lives.
For example, in your life, you may be experiencing uncertainty of some sort.
Should you stay in the marriage?
Should you leave?
Should you move on?
Should you meet someone new?
You may be in many different places with your partner or spouse. You may be feeling uncertain and stressed during these pandemic times about your love life.
How do you cope? How do you move forward?
How do you deal with the uncertainty you‘re facing in your love life?
Here are 4 ideas to help you deal with uncertainty in your love life.
Call on your intuition.
Yes, you know what you want and you know what’s right for you.
All you have to do is listen to yourself.
Whenever I coach people, I love to listen to them because I hear the deepest insights and nuggets of gold.
They seem to have the most insurmountable problems but when I ask them a simple question, they have an abundance of insight and wisdom.
Call on presence.
The past and future don’t exist in reality.
We want answers for the future and explanations for the past.
No matter how many times my Dad cites astrologers to explain when Corona is going to end, I don’t seem to buy it.
We don’t know about the past or future but we do know what’s happening now.
Check in with yourself at this moment and just live for right now.
Drop the past and future from your mind.
Call on surrender
You don’t need to over-think the solutions.
The universe will move you to the answer.
And no I’m not drinking a coconut pina colada or a Jungle Bird at the moment either.
You don’t need all the answers you think you need.
Let life take its course.
When the time comes, you will know what you need to.
Thinking, planning and analyzing won’t change things.
Clinging and holding on won’t change things.
Control and demanding things of life won’t change things.
Surrender.
Call on faith.
Faith in what, you might ask?
How about yourself?
Yes, you. You got this. You always have.
You always come through and have overcame.
You’re still standing no matter what life has thrown at you.
You are the light you have been waiting for.
Also, call on the idea that everything works in your favor.
I thought that my life was done for and it was time to become a hermit in the Himalayas.
I kept going though and became a writer and coach.
Then I went to Bali because… Elizabeth Gilbert, who else.
Then I met this amazing Indonesian woman. Then I fell madly fell in love with her in the time of quarantine.
Oh wait, story for another day.
Let’s get back to you.
You got this.
Everything is working in your favor.
You specialize in uncertainty.
You have inner wisdom.
You have this moment.
Surrender.
Know the universe has your back.
Don’t talk with your conspiracy-minded Mom or astrologically-oriented, Dad.
You got this, friends.
p.s. And of course, if you still feel like your love life is more chaotic than the pandemic, I’m here. If you can use some direction, guidance or coaching, reply to this email or fill out this form.
Think romantic walks along the Seine river, hand-holding in the Louvre museum or late night frolicking at the Eifel Tower.
Sad to report, that was the trip of my dreams but not the trip of what happened.
It was a wonderful trip but the separation between the two of us was thick in the air.
We didn’t speak at times.
We disagreed about what we wanted to see.
And had pent up anger towards each which was thicker than a cup of café au lait.
It was painful and heartbreaking.
It was months before our divorce was finalized in 2011.
Fast forward to today where I’ve moved to Asia and writing to you from India.
This week, I write to you from Kerala.
Someone called this God’s country.
Everything they say about Kerala is true.
I’m here for a bit doing more writing, finishing books and coaching people who are recovering from their own breakups or divorces.
This trip is so different than the last.
Early morning writing and walking.
Meditating and socializing with people visiting from around the world.
Watching the sunset in the evening.
Delicious food.
Spiritual awakening.
Creative endeavours.
What the heck, I’m thinking to myself.
How did I end up here?
This is what I would call my dream life.
Working and living the way I want to.
It took me awhile to get here and I’m still pursuing this dream that I had but I’m telling you that this life would have never been possible if I was still unhappily married.
Here’s where I want to get real with you.
Your life felt like it ended when your marriage or long-term relationship did.
You may never have had the opportunity in life to pursue your dreams.
You may never have had a chance to ask yourself what it is you want and how it is you want to live your life.
So much of your life was by default.
The beauty of things coming crashing down is that it clears the path.
It gets rid of all the social constructs, obligations, fears and expectations.
It gives you courage, resiliency and a knowing that you can get through anything or achieve anything.
If you lived a normal life without much challenge or adversity, you couldn’t forge ahead with your dreams.
Those of us who have been through crap know that we can do whatever we want.
We are survivors.
If we can go to hell and back, we can definitely follow our dreams.
So, let’s start today with what it is you want.
Have you given yourself permission to ask yourself what it is you want out of life?
We are here in another new year.
If you feel like you’re not living the life you want, it’s time to ask yourself the easy and hard questions.
What do I want to do with my life?
How can I find meaning and purpose?
How can I create the life I want to live?
If you haven’t asked yourself these questions, let me prompt you.
I’m coaching people this month to uncover what it is they want.
The session lasts about an hour. You can get details here.
Stop dreaming about living your dream life and start making your dream life a reality.
It’s no longer time to play small.
You know what you’re capable of because you’ve survived the worst of it.
I want to ask you what your vision for your life is – read more about my coaching here.
Start the year off right with a life direction coaching session. It’s the first step to launching the life you want to live.
Everyone responds to divorce and breakups differently.
I have met people who are dating multiple people after their divorce, having the time of their life and marrying their soulmate soon after.
I’ve also met people who are stuck for years on end after divorce.
This is was me.
These are the people who I coach.
This might be you.
Some people feel physically alive but emotionally and spiritually dead post breakup.
Some people believe only their past contains their best life.
They believe their future is sad and hopeless.
We are people who saw the life that we knew crumble right in front of us.
We survived the wreckage but are still left wondering, “why us and what now”.
“Why me” is what led me to leave my career as a lawyer. (It also made me write this book Is God Listening)
“What now” is what led me to Bombay and Kerala, to Burma and Sri Lanka, to Guatemala and Costa Rica. (I should probably write a book on that…oh, wait…)
I now get why travel is so attractive to the broken-hearted and divorced.
I’m going to urge you to do more of it too.
You know what’s different about us?
Our entire lives fell apart.
Everything we had known to be true no longer is.
The life that we had created vanished right in front of our eyes.
Our marriage, our partner, our schedules, possibly our jobs and where we lived, where our children live, etc etc.
Our lives crumbled. Everything changed and nothing made sense anymore.
Which in many ways is like travel.
Imagine waking up in a foreign country that doesn’t speak the language you’re used to, has completely different customs and traditions and appears totally foreign too.
You and I are already used to this!
If you’re experienced in unfamiliar places, foreign surroundings and where nothing makes sense, then travel is perfect.
Except unlike our romantic breakups, travel is welcoming and pleasant.
We welcome in new foods and hospitable people.
We don’t understand languages that are filled with romanticism and adventure.
We see people and places that are unfamiliar but beautiful.
We find ourselves in situations where we might be by ourselves but seem connected to the people around us.
I’m not exactly saying that divorce is a like a trip to Paris but maybe I am
And those of us who are divorced will excel at it.
And those of us who are divorced should do more of it.
Once you see the world you’re familiar with disappear, you adapt and try to make sense of the new world in front of you.
If you’ve done it in divorce, you can do it in travel.
In travel, novelty and unfamiliarity is pleasant and welcoming.
Newness doesn’t mean waking up by yourself in a huge bed in a huge house.
Your newness is waking up in a quaint hotel overlooking beautiful lakes you’ve never seen in your life.
Or trying to buy unpronounceable street food from people who don’t speak the same language as you.
The divorced are experienced in the novel and unfamiliar.
We are trained to start over when everything in unknown.
We didn’t go out for a weekend seminar to learn this.
Divorce taught us to navigate the unfamiliar and uncertain.
It taught us to stand strong and step up when the rug was being pulled from underneath us.
So, travel more often.
Travel to more unfamiliar locations.
Have your external circumstances change regularly until…
you realize that the external can change frequently and often but you still remain the same.
Underneath all the change and unknown is you:
Known, truthful, expanding, growing, soulful.
Hey are you subscribed to the blog? If not, sign up today so I can email you on the regular 🙂 with words of insight and inspiration.
The more married people come to know about this, the more lives are going to be ruined.
This must only stay here between us.
Divorce is sad and hard.
One day you’re grocery shopping together, strategizing about the tofu wraps you’re going to prepare for your dinner guests at home.
The next day you lose your spouse, your friends, your home and all desire to eat tofu.
Other people are going to work and living their everyday lives but you want to curl up in bed, wrap yourself in a blanket and just permanently stay there.
Don’t we get 3 chances at life just like video games? Or 9 lives just like cats?
Anyway, I was in your shoes.
I thought it was over after divorce. I was looking forward to a peaceful life and old age.
This whole married thing and looking normal to the rest of society was fun and normal.
We had jobs and friends and family and vacation time and professional degrees.
What the heck else could we ever want?
I mean sure we could ask for real love, happiness and a life of our dreams.
Or we could have dinner, put the dishes away and go to bed so we could go to work the next day.
We could go to Ikea and Christmas parties.
We could send out annual greeting cards and post happy Facebook photos of ourselves even if we weren’t.
This continued until the divorce at which point it all came to a crashing halt.
And you know what it has been.
Divorce sucks. Sucked.
You’re alone much of the time.
Society doesn’t really see you.
Most people think there’s something wrong with you.
And everyone deeply desires you get married again so you can be happy and normal like the rest of everybody else.
Which brings me to this dirty little secret about divorce.
Since divorce, I’ve been living the best few years of my life.
Every damn day, I live the life I want.
I see who I want, I do what I want and live the way that I want.
I don’t give a hoot about what anyone thinks about me or the way I’m living my life.
All the negativity and toxicity has been out of my life.
I wake up happier knowing that my life is truly in my hands. I experience freedom, happiness and joy often.
I write and share content online for other people who were in the same situation as I was.
I write books for those people and encourage them to live their best lives.
I travel to parts of the world that I want to travel to but never had time to.
I go to events that I want to go to.
I meditate and chant mantras on the daily.
I slowed down my life and live a life of quiet existence doing whatever the heck I want.
From the outside in, my life looks like a total disaster and going all downhill.
People I intimately know are praying for my salvation and hoping I wake up soon and join the ranks of regular society: marriage, kids and real estate.
I continue to wake up every day looking forward to doing what I want: spirituality, writing and helping people.”
Who would have thought that I can live this life !?!
God dang, this is the best.
Screw marriage (the bad ones, of course).
Celebrate divorce.
Please don’t share this information with anyone else. Especially not with the married folk in your life.
Don’t ruin it for them!!
Don’t tell them that divorce might make them happier every day and give them the chance to create the life of their dreams.
Don’t tell them that divorce means peace, happiness and living life on your own terms. It might mean the best thing that has ever happened to them.
Don’t tell them that it means finding true compatibility and having a reals shot at love.
You and I must do our best to keep the gory details of divorce a secret.
Let us enjoy in secrecy while the rest of society is marching to prescribed notions of what a good life is.
Don’t share this blog post with any unhappily married people you know.
Don’t ruin it for us in this private, exclusive, happy divorcees club.
Don’t buy my books either if you’re contemplating divorce. If might push you over the edge and convince you to get one.
Or celebrate your post-divorce life like a champion.
This book by Michelle D’Avella is powerful and healing. It is poetic and soul-touching.
She speaks of a painful breakup in her life and discusses all the bright sides she discovered from this past relationship.
Read this book today. Pick it up at the Amazon store here (affiliate link) on your healing journey. Learn the profound wisdom and practical benefits of a broken heart which she shares.
If you’re stuck in the past and having trouble letting go, please pick up this book to help you get unstuck from the past and move on with your life. Learn from the spiritual and wisdom teachers of our times on how to spiritually let go of the pain of past relationships.
Thank you for your continued support of my writing and this blog. A small way to help my work is to pick up a copy of this book when it’s on sale.
I help people overcome their devastating breakups and divorces and find love again. Instead of visiting the Himalayas, sign up below and join me. I am taking a writing break but will be back soon.
This guide is free. A ticket to the Himalayas is $2000. Your move.
