Did I think I could find someone better than my ex?
My ex-wife is an amazing woman who overcame so many challenges in her life to become the woman she has become today.
She is a doctor, beautiful, smart, outgoing, organized, and charming. She was a great cook and great host. She had a great laugh and enjoyed living life to the fullest.
How was I ever going to find someone better than my ex?
Believe it or not, I was devastated about the divorce because I thought that the most amazing person I could find was going to be in my past.
When someone is so beautiful, smart, and gregarious, how could I ever compete?
I didn’t want second best.
I already met the most wonderful person and spent years with her so how would anyone else ever come close?
If you are feeling regret about letting go of your ex, I want you to listen particularly close today.
I’ve made it to the other side.
I struggled for years to let go but was finally able to. Letting go of my ex was my life’s biggest struggle but with all the work I did, I have become a free and happy person once again.
I started dating and found it frustrating for sure. I never found anyone that even came close to my ex until the person I am with today.
The Gods must have decided to throw me a bone by bringing this miraculous woman into my life.
We met in the most unbelievable circumstances while a friend was waiting in the transit lounge on the way to Bali.
Yes, my woman friend met her. My friend met this beautiful village girl in an Asian airport and told me about her.
I was with my friend one day when my friend decided to call this beautiful Asian girl. Said beautiful Asian woman was doing her hair at the hair-dresser.
Within an hour call, I suddenly found myself on the call with her as well. What started as one call with her at the hair-dresser’s has turned into one of the most beautiful relationships I’ve ever had.
She too is amazing.
Then, I realized that she’s actually more amazing than my ex in this way.
She’s perfect for me.
She may not be as smart as my ex, ambitious as my ex, a go-getter like my ex but we fit each other like a jigsaw puzzle.
She’s a simple girl who told me that her number 1 priority in life was being happy. Ummm…yes, please!
So although she is not necessarily better than my ex in any objective way, she is better than my ex in the way that it counts most. She’s a great fit for me.
We share similar values, views of the world and have similar life goals.
In my view, since I found someone who is a much better fit for me, I found someone better than my ex.
If you have come out of a relationship or have been out one for a while and feel like you won’t meet anyone better, I’m here to tell you otherwise. If you’re still hoping your ex comes back, I have good news for you.
The only thing that’s in the way between you and someone who’s a great fit for you is your belief about your ability to find someone who’s right for you.
Here are 4 things you can do to improve your prospects of finding someone who’s better for you than your ex.
1. Let go of your ex completely.
I’m glad you’re here because I’m going to teach you how to let go of your ex. I’m going to show you how to forgive, change the story about your past, and get to the root cause of what’s keeping you stuck.
If you need support and want to move on sooner, consider hiring me to coach you. I’ve been where you are and can help you get over your breakup and get your life back.
2. Believe it’s possible to find someone new.
Change your beliefs about love. This is going to be challenging if you came out of a bad breakup or divorce. You’re going to have painful and twisted beliefs about love to start with. This is going to require adopting a new set of beliefs and practicing trusting people again.
I wrote two books to help you along on your journey to find someone better than your ex. Pick them up Does True Love Exist or Love After Heartbreak in the Amazon store today (affiliate links).
3. Improve yourself and rebuild your self-worth.
The most important thing you can do to find a better partner is to become a higher quality version of yourself. If you’re vibrating at a higher frequency, you’ll attract people who are at your energy level. In addition to raising your vibrations and your worth, do the inner work of self-discovery, self-examination, and improvement.
Work on improving yourself daily and raising yourself worth. For my book on raising your self-worth, read this book on Loving Yourself After Heartbreak (affiliate link). Watch this video here.
4.Know who it is you’re looking for.
You can’t find someone better or find someone compatible until you know who it is you’re looking for. You need to spend a few minutes outlining this person. I found the person I was looking for because I outlined them in this dream partner worksheet, got clear on them and envisioned them daily.
Do this worksheet and listen to this to audio meditation more than once. Do this worksheet weekly or monthly if you’re able to. Visualize the person you want on a daily basis.
You can absolutely find someone better than your ex by finding someone who’s a good fit for you.
But remember, this is going to take some work. I’m not sure if I mention this enough in my articles. Reading my articles or knowing what the process is not enough.
I wish you the very best on your relationship journey and wish you all the love and happiness you’re looking for.
It’s going to require active steps, daily habits and work on your part. If you do the work you will reap the rewards of a new love that you never imagined possible.
If you need support or coaching in this process, reply to this email or fill out the coaching inquiry form here.
She and her husband, Dave Hollis, announced this on their Instagram accounts.
People are understandably upset by this news as Rachel and Dave set themselves out to be relationship experts who taught people how to deal with marriage, parenting, and kids.
They were the go-to couple, showing millions of parents how to survive and thrive.
Their divorce has sparked outrage, anger, judgment, and feelings from people who are feeling duped. People are feeling upset because Rachel and Dave put out an image on social media that does not match with their divorce announcement.
Here’s how I feel about their divorce announcement.
I believe that they were portraying their marriage as it was, at least the good parts of it. And you know what, they are human and no different than any other couple.
Everyone is surprised when a couple gets divorced because the couple’s public perception is so different than what was going on at home.
No one wants to show people the problems, the negativity, the challenges that they are experiencing.
I think Rachel Hollis and Dave Hollis were simply being human in trying to portray their marriage in the best light.
I would also like to believe that they gave their marriage their all, did whatever they could to try to save it, and worked on it in every way they knew how. I know this is being extremely naive and giving them the benefit of doubt but that’s what I believe.
They couldn’t have faked their relationship on Facebook Lives and Instagram Lives for months and years on end. There’s good in marriages and bad in marriages. The Hollis’s just showed us the good in their marriage.
By announcing their divorce, they also showed us how difficult marriage is. Even the best couples with the most photogenic kids who work on their self-growth and have a strong faith practice can get divorced.
Even the couple who looks they have it all together on the outside can have marital problems and strife. Even what appears to be the strongest of relationships can fall apart.
It doesn’t seem like this relationship was a complete fake or Rachel was putting on a show for the world to see. She looked genuine and happy. She and Dave were regularly irritated and annoyed with each other on social media. They also enjoyed laughing together and loving each other.
Anyone who’s in a marriage that’s falling apart, doesn’t want it to. They are going to work on it as much as they can to make it work. I truly believe Rachel and Dave tried. They not only wanted to make it work for themselves and for their kids but also for their business. They knew their business bottom line was tied to showing people how to have strong marriages.
They had a strong interest in making this relationship work both on a personal and professional level.
Yet they couldn’t do it. With all the resources, support, counseling, faith, family and friendship they had, they couldn’t do it.
Just reminds me that marriage is hard and you have to get to a pretty bad place before you decide that you’ve had enough and it’s time to move on.
As far as their marriage and life, let’s give them a break. Let’s let both of them move on. Let’s hope they can separately amicably and find peace in their separate lives. Let’s hope they can find love and happiness again.
Now, the secondary issue has to do with how they were doing business and portraying themselves.
This seems a little more suspect and uncertain to me.
Is it ok to make your life look like this big fairytale on the outside? Is it ok to use social media to only show the good and not the bad? Is it ok to always present the story you want to present to your fans?
I know it’s not right but I do know that a lot of people do this.
When you don’t post the full story, it comes across as inauthentic and you’re trying to mislead people.
For example on my own blog, I give people the whole picture. I don’t try to make anything look better than it is.
When my life sucked, I detailed it to the maximum here. I explained every emotion and heartbreak that I went through. People appreciated the honesty and regularly tell me that I speak their pain and their journey.
I wouldn’t have tried to make my situation sound any better than it was.
But what if I had started a business around my marriage, my relationship and my kids, would I have tried to portray a positive image that wasn’t true? Would I have tried to continue perpetuating this image to the public even though we were struggling?
A lot of this is speculation. If they were only struggling and portrayed it like they were a happily married couple, then, yes, I’d be in the streets.
If they were doing their best and portraying a particular image on social media that was the truth, but not the whole truth, I could try to understand. Like it or not, people put their best life on social media for others to see.
I’d also be pissed if you read and believed that Rachel said about working through the hard stuff and making things work. If she made it seem like you weren’t trying hard enough or weren’t getting what you wanted because of your efforts, then it’s fair to be upset with her.
And finally, probably the more unforgivable part was running a big business based on this message they were putting out there. They were raking in money from conferences and workshops where they were indirectly telling you that you too could have the lives of the Hollis family. You could come and learn the secrets to having a great love and life.
Overall, I can see the humanity of the Hollis’s. It looked like they were trying the best they could. Could they have shown the negative side of their relationship? Yes. Do most people? No.
Should they have shared the full story on social media? Yes. Do many marketers put the negative side of their product or message on social media? Not really.
Should they have continued to profit if the life and relationship was not what they made it out to be? Not really but again, I don’t believe it was a complete show. I believe they tried, and failed. I believe they are humans with human failings.
The take away for me watching the Hollis’s is a reminder to be authentic myself in my writing and social media. It’s also to be a little more suspect of other people’s social media accounts and stories. Every day, we continue to find out that people mislead us and portray an inaccurate image. Your job is to discern who to trust and who not to. Here are the other lessons I picked up from the Rachel Hollis divorce.
You have a right to be upset with the Hollis’s for their social media practices and misleading advertising of their message.
You also can practice compassion, understanding and empathy. You know they’re human too, at the end of the day.
This isn’t exactly what they wanted but something they are going to go through together. I may not agreeing with everything they did and their ways of conducting business but I wish them the best in the next chapters of their lives.
They both have self-help books on how to navigate life during the tough times. They now get to apply their knowledge and wisdom from these books and put it to use.
If you’re done with the Hollis’s, I get it. If you’re going to give them another chance, I get that too. If you’re going to wait and see what comes next, fine. Just proceed with caution and awareness.
While I have closed comments on my blog for years, I’m going to open them for this post. What do you think of the Rachel Hollis divorce? Leave a comment below.
If you’re wondering what to do in your part of the world, this is the recipe for changing the circumstances around you.
Look at something you don’t like, let’s say, racism.
Imagine what a better, more equal, and more tolerant society can look like. Realize that you don’t have to accept the status quo.
Get inspiration and hope from people and leaders around you. Get ideas on how to do something about it and then do something.
We need more hope, more people deciding to change the world and more people taking action.
Believe it or not, this is how one person can change the world.
You just have to give a damn and not allow your circumstances to keep you in a paralyzed state. Don’t accept the way things are right now.
Friends, this is the same formula for changing your life too
Let’s say you’ve come out of a bad divorce or breakup. You just feel stuck and paralyzed. You don’t feel like doing anything. You can’t even get out of bed.
Maybe you’ve been stuck for years.
You ended up on this blog, so you know that you have to do something.
I’ve shared the formula with you, but it’s going to require a little work from you.
Not doing anything will not improve the situation.
All those people who say that time will improve your life are lying.
It won’t. All you will do with time is ruminate, get sentimental and start missing the past.
You have to do something to improve your future.
If you’re not doing it for yourself, do it for your kids.
If you’re not doing it for your kids, do something just so your ex won’t get the better of you. Don’t let them steal even more of your life. Don’t let them take your happiness and joy even more than they have.
One of the most powerful exercises I do with clients is getting them to see what their future looks like. I help them visualize what a life of love and happiness looks like.
You never see this future state. You are caught up in the past and remembering all that happened. You think all the good times already passed. You think the best love and the most joy already happened. You don’t think that you can find love, companionship, or happiness again.
I’m here to tell you that’s an incorrect assumption.
I was just where you were a few years ago. I thought my life was over, and there was no hope left after my breakup. I stayed stuck and replayed the past over and over again. I just gave up until I started doing this envisioning work and believing there was a more hopeful day ahead.
I forced myself to imagine the life I wanted even though every day I was living the life I had.
Then, I noticed that to get the life that I wanted, I would have to do some work.
I would have to forgive.
I would have to find closure on my own.
I would have to tell myself a new story about this past relationship.
I would have to rebuild my self-worth.
This took work but it also took a choice.
At what point are you going to make a choice?
Yes, you can grieve and process what happened, but how long are you going to stay stuck?
How long are you going to feel like you experienced the greatest tragedy and injustice?
Your ex walking out on your or cheating on you is pretty screwed up.
They destroyed you.
But how long can you continue to give them power over your life?
It’s time to take your life back.
It’s time to decide you don’t want to stay in bed, in tears and depressed about life.
It’s time to make a choice and then go about making changes.
It had to get to rock bottom point for change to start happening in my life. I left a career, left a job, and followed my dreams. I rebuilt my self-worth, forgave the people who hurt me in my life, and worked on becoming a better partner in relationships. I started meeting new people and found the most amazing love.
Beautiful things can come to you too.
Out of heartbreak, you can discover your purpose, your meaning in life, and why you were put here.
You can let go of a life that wasn’t suiting you and start living a life you love.
Once you get excited about the life that’s possible and not regretting the life you lost, things start to change.
You begin to do things you never did before.
You decide and choose to better yourself and your life.
You start meeting people and finding people who are a much better fit for you.
The recipe for changing the world is the same recipe for changing your life.
In fact, changing your life will help change the world. When you let go of anger, attachment to your ex, and your past, you will have more self-acceptance, compassion, and love in your life.
You will do more to change your life and the world around you.
If you’re looking for the roadmap for letting go of the past, start here with my book on letting go. If you’re looking on how to find love after heartbreak, check out this book. (affiliate links)
If you’re stuck and need help, reach out to me for support and coaching. One conversation can shift your perspective and change your life.
25 Heartbreak Quotes to Help You Survive a Broken Heart Today
1. “Heartbreaks are part of love. How would I know how to appreciate love, if I hadn’t experienced how much it hurts to have my heart broken?” Pia Barna
2. “Sometimes things fall apart so that better things can fall together.” Marilyn Monroe
3. “Sometimes you must hurt in order to know, fall in order to grow, lose in order to gain, because most of life’s greatest lessons are learned through pain.” Unknown
4. “Breathe, darling. This is just a chapter. It’s not the whole story.” C.S. Louis
5. “May the flowers remind us why the rain was so necessary.” Xan Oku
6. “Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” ~C. S. Lewis
7. “There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning.” Mark Groves
8. “When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person that walked in. That’s what the storm is all about.” Haruki Murakami
9. “The sun is a daily reminder that we too can rise from the darkness, that we too can shine our own light.” S. Ajna
10. “Sometimes it takes a heartbreak to shake us awake and help us see we are worth so much more than we’re settling for.” Mandy Hale
11. “People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you will know exactly what to do.” Anonymous
12. “The broken hearted are the bravest among us — they dare to love.” Brené Brown
13. “The strongest hearts have the most scars.” Anonymous
14. “What’s broken can be mended. What hurts can be healed. And no matter how dark it gets, the sun is going to rise again.” Unknown
15. “In those times of sadness, I stay with the feeling and remind myself that th only love that will actually heal this pain is my own. So I give it to myself.” Michelle D’Avella
16. “What feels like breaking may just be an opening. The heart.” Vishnu of Vishnu’s Virtues
17. “It’s ok if you fall down and lose your spark. Just make sure when you get back up, you rise as the whole damn fire.” Colette Werden
18. “Let your revenge be your own love and happiness.” Vishnu of Vishnu’s Virtues
19. “When things don’t go as expected, trust the reroute.” Lalah Delia
20. “You can’t let go of a relationship you still want to be in.” Vishnu of Vishnu’s Virtues
21. “Don’t hold together what must fall apart. The familiar life crumbles so the new life can begin.” Bryant McGill
22. “It’s in the space between the love we’ve lost and the love we hope to find, where we meet ourselves.” Mark Groves
23. “No is not a rejection: it is a cosmic redirection.” Hollie Holden
24. “Each tear is a poet, a healer, a teacher.” Rune Lazuli
25. “There comes a day when you realize turning the page is the best feeling in the world, because you realize there is so much more to the book than the page you were stuck on.” Zayn Malik
If you’re going through heartbreak now, know that you can survive and overcome your heartbreak, divorce or breakup.
If you found these heartbreak quotes helpful, check out my books on surviving a broken heart. Both books are roadmaps for getting over your heartbreak today.
To survive a heartbreak, pick up The Sacred Art of Letting Go: Let Go of Past Relationships and Find Peace Today (Amazon link here – affiliate link)
I was stuck for so long in the past because of guilt at what I had done in my marriage.
I thought about every single thing that I had done and felt guilty about it. How I had taken the relationship for granted. How I criticized and nagged my ex. How I didn’t let her be completely free and her own person.
I thought about all the things that she pointed out about me in my life after divorce. I reflected on all the things she had found problematic in our relationship. All the things she said to me about what I had done to screw it up.
I’m a terrible person and I deserve to be in my own prison for some time, maybe for the rest of my life. I thought that since the person who had known me most decided to break up with me that I was a bad person, had done terrible and deserved to be punished. I deserved to suffer.
You may have come out of breakup or divorce and feeling the same way too. You may feel the heaviness of the guilt in your life after divorce. You may feel like a failure and like you were solely at fault for the relationship.
You may feel like you’re the bad or evil person.
As you’re thinking all this, your ex may have moved on with their life after divorce. They may have switched careers, found new love and started a family.
They seemed to have improved their life in every way and you’re still sticking around in the past, holding onto the heavy baggage of guilt and self-blame.
If you’re feeling the heavy pangs of guilt after divorce, think about what you’re giving up when you’re stuck with guilt.
Your guilt is stealing these 7 things from your life after divorce
A new life.
You have the ability to move on and start a new life after divorce. You can live a new life, travel, pursue a new career and live your dreams. You can let go of everything that once was and wasn’t working and start brand new. Your guilt is taking away the life that’s possible for you today. Instead of allowing your new life to unfold, guilt is keeping you paralyzed and stuck in your life after divorce.
A new you.
Like me, you want to brew in the past. You want to be stuck as the old you thinking about all the ways you were hurtful and self-sabotaged the marriage. You don’t believe that you can change or become a different version of yourself. You are going to reminisce on the past and hold onto your old self. You are going to allow guilt to steal a new and improved version of yourself. You are going to hold off on learning and growing from your past mistakes.
Your self-worth.
Your guilt is making you feel worthless. You feel that you are unworthy of your ex. When the person you love most rejects you, your self-worth and confidence is going to take a hit. The fact that you couldn’t make this relationship work and you couldn’t hold onto your spouse is going to make you think that you’re a terrible person that no one loves. As you’re holding drowning in guilt, you don’t feel whole, complete, or enough.
Peace of mind.
You’re going to be constantly feeling pangs of resentment, anger and regret. You’re going to feel like a criminal for having done the things that you did. It was your terrible deeds and bad actions that led to this divorce. Instead of calmness and peace, you are going to be living in discomfort and regret. You’ll be constantly feeling like you were the one who did something wrong and you deserve to be punished.
Hope.
Hope is a belief that life will get better and things will improve. Hope is a welcoming of a new day. Stewing in guilt will steal your hope away. You will be thinking that all the best in your life has already happened so there’s nothing to look forward to anymore. All you can do now is celebrate what you had and regret what you did to end the relationship. You can ruminate on what no longer is, thinking that there is no hope for the future.
The present moment
Guilt will steal your life after divorce. Instead of being present and living in the moment, guilt will make you go back to the past and replay all the things that you did in the past. It will make you question yourself, doubt yourself and generally torture yourself for the things that you did and didn’t do in this past relationship. Guilt will ensure that you are reliving a time that no longer exists and will continually take you back in time.
New love
I know you believe that love is impossible. It is only because you are cooped up in guilt after divorce. Feeling guilty, you’re thinking and feeling like you’re a terrible person. You think you ruined your ex’s life. You think you were the reason that the relationship ended. When stuck in the regret and guilt of the past, you are going to close your heart and life to new love. When you don’t feel worthy or deserving, you’re going to close your heart to new relationships.
Guilt is a thief that will continue to steal from your life, even your life after divorce.
What else has guilt stolen from your life after divorce? Send me a message or reply to my email. If you need some guidance or support, please get in touch.
I vowed to do I would do whatever I could to save my marriage.
When my ex told me that she wanted out of the marriage, I felt breathless and my heart started racing. I felt light-headed, afraid, and like I wasn’t able to stand.
Was this real?
The news she shared about what happened at the new year party she had attended the night before was even more life-crushing.
I was in complete and utter shock.
While I’ve never spoken about what happened at that new year party that she attended and don’t plan to do so here, it was devastating.
The marriage was unraveling in front of my eyes. So many thoughts fluttered through my mind.
I distinctly remember standing in front of her tying a golden necklace around her neck and performing the Vedic rituals nearly 8 years before that in India.
Under the universal Gods of the Hindu faith and 1000 people, we promised each other to uphold this sacred wedding vow.
The dating took a couple of years, the marriage took many months and the event took several places over several days in India.
This proclamation of divorce was in our living room, just between the two of us, and was over in minutes.
“Was this it?” I thought to myself, on January 2nd of that year, “was the marriage over simply she wanted out?”
“You are going to do whatever it takes to save this marriage.”
I spent the next several months doing everything I could to repair this marriage, save it, and get it back on track.
We went to Paris, had regular nights out, and attended counseling sessions regularly. We spent more time together, learned to communicate better, and made a monumental attempt to make this marriage work.
While we couldn’t pull it off at the end, I know I gave it my best.
I went all in at the end because I wasn’t ready to give up on this marriage.
I wasn’t ready to give up a life-time commitment, sacred wedding vows, and our dreams so easily.
If you’re not ready to give up on your marriage and want to save it, then keep these 12 marriage-saving steps in mind.
Here are 12 steps you can use today to save your marriage.
1.Drop the ego fast.
Nothing I’m going say is going to make sense if you don’t drop your ego in a quick minute.
I know you feel your spouse is at fault and he’s the one who should try to make it work since he is the one who screwed everything up and told you he fell in love with some 25-year old bartender in the Czech republic.
It’s total bs that you have to be the one that has to win him back.
If you think this, you can put a nail in the coffins of your marriage. You have to be willing to set your ego aside and be willing to go all in to save this marriage.
This is one of those situations where you can be right or you can save your marriage.
You have to be willing to save it even if you didn’t cause it to unravel
2. Respect is the name of the game.
In my marriage, we had both given up respecting each other long ago. We didn’t value each other and were at each other’s necks.
During the 6 month campaign to save our marriage, I realized that I had to start respecting this woman quickly! No disparaging remarks, sarcasm, insults, or any other crap that I had been doing for the last few years. Respect is paramount. If you don’t respect your spouse, there is no incentive for them to stick around.
You have to be able to respect them even if you don’t feel like it. Try to speak to them and treat them like a professional colleague or friendly neighbor. Try to look at them in the most respectful way possible even if you have 0 ounces of respect for them.
You have to let go of contempt and despising them to respecting them. Hard work.
Once again, you have a choice. You can disparage them and break this marriage up because it feels good to put them in their place or you can respect them and save this marriage.
3. Hold off on the guilt-trip and blame game.
Even if it’s not 100% percent your fault, you’re going to feel like it is. You’re going to think about every single thing you did and feel guilty about it. This is not the most helpful right now.
Feeling like you’re the guilty person and a bad person during a time you’re trying to improve this relationship is not the way to go. Hold off on the guilt trips. You can’t be 100% responsible when there were two people in this marriage.
Also, stop blaming your partner. It’s not 100% their fault either. Even if they hurt you, betrayed you, or were the reason this relationship came crashing down, they are not solely responsible.
If you have a healthier perspective on each person’s role and refrained from blaming each other completely for the breakdown of the marriage, you’re going to be able to be in a better frame of mind to save this marriage.
4. Take responsibility.
Don’t blame yourself 100% but you’re allowed to take responsibility for your role in this marriage. If you think you did nothing wrong and didn’t have a role in this relationship ending, please refer back to #1 above.
As I mentioned previously, it takes two people to make a marriage work and for a marriage to fall apart. You did have a role here. Try to figure out what that role was? What were your shortcomings and what was your part?
Work with therapists and counselors, coaches, and healers to help you understand your role in this marriage. How was your communication? How was your prioritizing this marriage? How much did you show up for it? How did you interact with your spouse? How much did you let your past get in the way?
Determine what you could do to improve your relationship right now. Take responsibility for the things you weren’t doing and start doing that today. No, it’s not too late. No, they won’t care if you’re doing this just to save your marriage.
You can make changes, improve, and do what you weren’t doing just last week.
In addition to outside help, what has your ex been saying to you all this time?
Reflect on everything your ex has been saying to you and write it all down. What are they saying to you? What do they want? Is there validity to whatever they have been saying to you?
5. Seek peace within
There are two reasons to do this.
One is for your own mindset and well-being. You want to have peace of mind so that you’re not driving yourself crazy. Your entire past, present, and future is zipping by in front of your eyes. You want to slow things down. You want to experience more peace. You want a calmer inner world so you can work on the news that just rocked your world.
Start practices that will help you get you to that calm. This is different for every person so figure out what will help you get to this state of inner peace. Will it be prayer, nature, meditation, journaling, bhajans, or spiritual talks? Will it be daily affirmations or a gratitude practice? Will it be reading spiritual text or Vishnu’s Virtues?
The second reason to get grounded and seek inner peace is to calm down the things in your outer life. If life feels chaotic and out of control, it might be because your inner life is this way. The more peaceful and calmer you become within, the calmer your outer life will become. Seek peace within and you’ll start seeing more stability and calmness around you.
I’m not sure if this is spiritual or what but it’s just what I’ve found to be try. The calmer I become on the inside, the less crazy my outside environment becomes.
6. Get more affectionate
It might have been a long time since you spoke affectionately to your partner.
Your words might have come out with anger and hostility.
They’ve done enough to warrant your bitterness and anger yet remember, you are trying to save your marriage here. It’s time to bite your tongue and lower the tone of your dialogue. You can’t criticize, condemn and cuss them out as much as you want to.
You have to speak pleasantly and kindly. You have even try buttering them up, using words of affection, praise and empowerment.
The bottom line here is you have to be positive. You have to become like your kid’s soccer coach. No matter how badly your kids are doing on the field, as a supportive parent, you’re going to cheer on your kids and tell them what a great job they did. Become a partner coach. Speak words of encouragement and inspiration. Speak words of acknowledgment and gratitude.
Keep the Victoria for another day, unleash your inner Joel Osteen.
Keep the bitterness and anger for your visit to the therapist or for your journal. You can feel the feelings you are feeling and be able to process but you can’t do this with your ex at the moment.
Be more affectionate, speak sweet nothings.
Praise them for the small things. Acknowledge them for anything good they are doing. Thank them for any help.
7. Start speaking their love language fast
While you’ve been married, there has been an important book that has come out called 5 Love Languages.
This is a book by Dr. Gary Chapman and it talks about how people feel loved.
There’s a quiz on his website to help you determine how you both feel love.
Some people feel love through physical touch and others through verbal affirmations. Some people feel loved by acts of service or quality time. Look up what your love language is just for your information. Try to determine what your partner’s love language is or have them do the quiz.
Depending on the answer, put together a plan that makes your spouse feel loved.
Yes, you should have done this years ago but no better time than right now to communicate love in whatever language will get through to them.
8. Create time for each other
Everyone’s busy. You’re busy. Your spouse is busy. Isn’t it interesting that we make time for what matters? Your marriage hasn’t been what mattered to both of you in years so you ignored it. What happens to a garden that’s ignored? Exactly. It’s time to cultivate this marriage garden again.
Of course, your spouse is going to have no interest in spending time with you now unless you can find creative ways to get them to do things. Tell them you will accompany them to their family’s event. Attend a kid’s sporting event together. Try to take them out for their birthday. It’s time to water this relationship and see if there’s still a connection there. You have to try a little harder to do things than your divorce-seeking spouse.
9. Communicate like you’re a Zen monk.
Here’s what happens in marriages. People think there are communication breakdowns because other people don’t listen to them. As you well know, communication is not about them listening to you.
I’m going to give you a very easy technique here to improve your communication. Practice shutting up and only listening. The only things you can respond to are repeating what your spouse said to you.
“Oh, so let me make sure I get this right…you’re saying x,y,z”.
Your opinions, your thoughts, and your wants don’t matter right now but you may feel that’s unfair and you’re compromising who you are as a person. I get it and if you feel that way, I completely understand. I’m not suggesting you make permanent changes to what you think and believe. I’m just saying you don’t voice them at this moment and you keep the speaking to the minimum.
You listen to what the other person has to say and you confirm that you got it by asking them what they said. Listen as mindfully as possible and refrain from responding in any way, especially if they are sarcastic or hurtful.
10. Forgive like you’re the Dalai Lama
This goes along with setting aside your ego above. Your spouse has done unforgivable things and treated you so badly that you never want to speak to them again. They have broken your heart and pierced your soul with pain. They have hurt you beyond words and treated you worse than your worst enemy.
If you hold onto all the bad things they’ve done to you recently and throughout your marriage, divorce is imminent. IF you’re trying to save your marriage, you have no option to forgive like the Dalai Lama. Allow your spouse to become a forgiveness experiment. Forgive them for everything they have done over the years, how they hurt you most recently and how they are showing up on a daily basis.
No matter what they do or say, forgive them. Forgive immediately and forgive often. Learn to release the resentment and anger you have towards them so you can save this marriage.
11. Live every day like Day 1.
One of the best things you can do to save your marriage is to revert to Day 1.
Huh?
Day 1 of meeting them.
You may have some of your fondest memories of your relationship from 20 or 30 years ago when this relationship started.
You remember all the wonderful moments you had and how your partner swept you off your feet. You remember the planning, the special surprises, and the effort both of you put in at that time.
All you have to do now is go back to that place. Reflect on the happy memories of the past and what were the things you and your ex appreciated about each other. What did you both enjoy doing with each other? Playing instruments? Going to the movies? Eating out?
Whatever it is you both did previously to fall in love with each other, try to engage your partner as much as possible. Get them to remember the many sentimental and romantic moments that they had in the previous relationship.
Go back to day 1 to cultivate the love and affection you once had for each other.
12. Kill them with kindness.
You may have no interest in kindness and have a lot of interest in killing your partner but…try kindness first.
Try a lot of kindness to save your marriage.
Treat your spouse like they are the gentlest, kindest, most understanding and most loving person you know.
Lie to yourself if you have to.
People run away from disrespect and rudeness and run towards kindness and compassion. Same with your spouse.
If you can be kind during this time, you will get major bonus points with your spouse.
You will be showing them how to be kind, respectful, and human during the most stressful time in both of your lives. You can show them how to be mature and how to be an adult even if they are not acting like one. You can show them what taking the high road looks like.
Even if you don’t save this marriage, you will leave a lasting impact on them and you will become just the kind of person someone else is looking for.
You can make this relationship work if you try all of these steps above. Show them who you genuinely are again and what they’re going to be missing.
Make them regret leaving you if they are going through with the divorce.
If they found someone else in their lives and someone much younger than them, you’re going to be competing against someone who is wooing your spouse just because of their age or looks. Age can steal your spouse’s interest but may not able to steal their heart.
You may not be able to compete on age or looks but you can pull your spouse back to their senses by offering them a loving alternative. You can offer them maturity, kindness, loyalty, and someone who is willing to do whatever it takes to keep them.
You can show them resilience and faith. YOu can show them your personality and your commitment to making this marriage work.
If you want to do these things or not is a whole other question. If you feel like you’re selling yourself out by coddling or accepting their bad behavior, it may be time to make peace with the marriage and move on to better things.
If you do try out these ideas, you may be able to save your marriage. You could just be going through a rough patch with your spouse and you may be able to rebuild this marriage piece by piece.
Your partner could just be going through a phase and maybe coming back to their senses soon. The younger woman they are seeing could fade away as the excitement wears off.
If you’re not able to save your marriage, you still win. You may be able to save your future.
There is no better way to set yourself up for the rest of your life than to have done the inner-growth work, become a gentler and kinder version of yourself, and a better person.
The journey of saving your marriage could be the personal growth journey you need to become your true self. It could be the spiritual and growth journey you never asked for but preparing you for the next chapter in your life.
Just a final thought. Do not beg, plead, blackmail, threaten, or guilt-trip your spouse to staying together. Hostility, manipulation, and guilt will not work now. The way to their heart isn’t through games or hostility. It’s to remind them how good you’ve been to them.
I wish you the very best on this journey to saving your marriage.
* If you need some support in saving your marriage or deciding what to do next, reach out to me for some support.
I help people overcome their devastating breakups and divorces and find love again. Instead of visiting the Himalayas, sign up below and join me. I am taking a writing break but will be back soon.
This guide is free. A ticket to the Himalayas is $2000. Your move.
