“Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be.” Sonia Ricotti
It’s not easy to love again after heartbreak.
I know because heartbreak has been my divine teacher.
And it’s taken me a very long time to come to terms with my breakup, accept my divorce and let go (mentally) of the person who occupied so much of my life.
It’s close to four years now and I FINALLY feel ready to move on.
Ready to let love into my life again.
Ready to open myself up again.
How I got here
When my marriage ended abruptly, my life began unraveling for a couple reasons. One, I loved my ex-wife, and despite our many challenges together, I was hopeful as ever of a love that would heal, transform and reignite. I felt it was only a matter of time before our differences would darken and our hearts would shine.
Two, my life unraveled because I couldn’t accept such a drastic change in it. Maybe I took love and marriage for granted. Or maybe I had the old-school version of relationships stuck in my mind – that relationships lasted no matter how challenging or tumultuous they were. The only solution, I believed, was to stay together and keep trying. And in the meantime, we had to keep working through the kinks.
Although divorce was what I ultimately came to accept, it was after much kicking and screaming on my part.
I didn’t want to let go of someone who I had come to see as part of me. Despite our differences, I had always felt soulfully connected to her.
Naturally, when she left, my soul felt empty and my life felt broken.
I went from a state of shock and pain to sadness and loss.
Much of this is chronicled in this blog, and much of what I’ve written describes how to come back from such dark and tragic places in our lives.
For me, the process of healing and letting go has taken place at a snail’s pace.
Over the past few years, my mind continued to replay the ups and downs of our relationship. Of course, during periods of grieving, your mind can hardly remember the downs.
You mostly remember the good times, the happy times and the joyful times.
I remembered the laughs, dreams and hopes we shared.
And every city or restaurant we had visited together triggered a reaction in me.
Every current conversation or movie triggered conversations and chatter of the past.
I saw her name everywhere and heard her name everywhere, including in magazines, books and movies.
I was clinging and holding on for dear life to this lost love. I felt that losing her was losing myself. This dying relationship felt like my own mortality.
It was not easy, as you know, to pick up the pieces, get through each day and move on.
The path back to myself has been long and treacherous. The path back to love has been fraught with tears, sorrow and sadness.
The path to moving on has required that I find the courage to let go of the past, accept the present and step into who I am today. The path to myself required that I put myself together after being completely broken.
It’s required that I stand up and step into my soul + my life.
If you have gotten out of a soul-crushing, life-crushing relationship and find yourself on the bathroom floor crying out to a God that doesn’t appear to exist, I bow to you and welcome you to join me on this journey to healing.
Your heart may be fractured, but your soul is about to emerge – stronger, more vibrant and more courageous than ever.
You may feel as though your breakup has shattered your life, but that doesn’t mean there’s no hope for living today.
To the contrary, if you go through this journey of healing you can find peace today, gratitude for what happened and joy in future possibilities.
Cracking open a fragile heart can unleash a timid soul.
You can become courageous again and be ready to open your soul to something new.
If you’re ready to let go and move on, let me take you through my own healing process.
9 ways to let go of your past relationship so that you can heal and open your heart to love again
1) Acceptance of what is.
For the longest time, I couldn’t accept heartbreak or divorce.
I had always believed our separation was temporary and that we would get back together one day.
Same with divorce. Even months and, I would say, years after the divorce, I thought there was hope for our relationship.
You might see this as positive thinking, delusion or denial.
See, heartbreak had caused so much personal pain that I just did not want to accept it as true. The divorce had caused so much emotional and family turmoil, I wished it would simply go away.
I was really fighting change and uncertainty – it was the first time in my life I felt like I had no control over a situation. So I tried to remain positive, visualizing and dreaming our relationship back together.
Of course, what I was really doing was denying this reality.
When you’re in denial about something in your life, you can’t move on.
When you refuse to accept uncertainty or events that are out of your control, you’re going to remain stuck.
If you’d like to move on from heartbreak, or anything really, surrender to the situation – let your life feel out of control for a bit. Trust that it will get better and that you’ll see light down the road, even if you’re in darkness now.
You may not know how to get out of the torture you’re feeling, but now there is a way out. It will come together as you go through the healing process.
Allow your intuition to shine the light and lead the way while healing.
Sometimes acceptance and surrender require simply standing back and not doing anything – not resisting or denying what you’re experiencing.
It’s acknowledging your situation as it is. It’s sitting with it and accepting it without an answer or action plan.
2) Showing up to grieve.
You don’t have to hide, deny, suppress or run from your emotions.
Allow them to unfold and wash over you.
Show up to grieve – face grief boldly and courageously.
There’s nothing to be ashamed of – you’re entitled to feel hurt, sad, angry, devastated or any other feelings you’re experiencing.
In my case, I felt an avalanche of emotions and feelings for a couple of years after the divorce. I didn’t make them go away or hide them.
Lots of tears, sleepless nights and therapy numbed the pain and helped me come to terms with loss.
Sharing the pain with others, although I didn’t do this much at first, definitely helped me carry the burden of the breakup’s pain.
Show up and face your grief.
There’s nothing to be ashamed of in feeling everything you’re feeling. It’s normal. It’s human. And again, if it’s overwhelming, reach out to your inner circle or professionals to help you deal with the emotional weight you’re carrying.
3) Taking responsibility
You can take on a bitter attitude your entire life and curse your no-good &$^&@#@ ex for the pain and heartache she caused or….
You can take responsibility for your part in the relationship.
For much of the earlier stages of my grief, I blamed my ex. She did this…or didn’t do this…Most thoughts concluded with the feeling that it was her fault and I was the innocent victim.
Of course, it’s never this way. Both sides in a relationship gone sour are at fault.
You don’t have to blame yourself for it, but instead accept responsibility for it.
And if you think there’s nothing at all wrong with you and it was all your ex’s fault, try to take a more objective view. If you still can’t, you may not be ready to move on.
I now realize that I was living unconsciously in my relationship. I’m not sure what I was thinking or who I was back then, but it wasn’t the person today who came out of that relationship.
I was living a life of ego, anger, unrealistic expectations, control and non-communication.
I can justify all these things in my life and blame these many character flaws on others (hi parents!), or I can choose not to and take responsibility for them.
Only when I began to realize what I had done wrong could I continue the healing process.
When I was dead-certain it was all my ex’s fault, I was stuck in my ego and my healing. I couldn’t move on until I took responsibility.
Once I started taking responsibility I could also stop playing the role of “victim.”
When you play the role of the “victim,” your view of the relationship and your steps forward are skewed.
When it’s all the other person’s fault and you feel like you did nothing wrong, you’re likely not being honest with yourself. And more importantly, you’re stopping yourself from moving on.
If you can’t admit that you had a part in how this relationship ended, you can’t go through the other steps of healing I describe below. You’re likely stuck on being “right” rather than choosing to move on.
The longer you choose the state of denial and blame, the longer it will take for you to heal.
4) Forgiving yourself.
Once you take responsibility for your part, be willing to forgive yourself.
The goal here isn’t to hold yourself up to some gold standard, criticize yourself or remind yourself how much you screwed up.
It’s to forgive yourself for acting and behaving in ways that were not healthy. You most likely didn’t know what you were doing and you’ve grown because of your unconscious behavior.
Once you realize it wasn’t healthy and you see your mistakes, you’ve given yourself the gifts of awareness, insight and growth.
When you forgive yourself and bathe yourself in compassion, you can let go of the hot coals of anger and resentment you’re carrying.
In order to forgive, you have to ignore what others have said to you about yourself and the internal story you’re telling about yourself.
If you feel blame and guilt, you have even more reason to forgive yourself.
You’re not perfect, you’re human.
Even if you broke up with the perfect person and it was all your fault, forgive yourself. You have learned, grown and become the person who can do better the next time.
5) Forgiveness and saying thank you.
Harder than forgiving yourself is forgiving your ex.
Actually, you not only need to forgive your ex, but everyone else you blame in the relationship – his friends, her family, your parents, her parents and anyone else you believe bears responsibility for the parting of ways.
Forgiving isn’t easy and you’re never going to reach the ideal place of forgiveness. Forgiving when it feels right won’t work because it will never feel right.
Forgiveness is a process – one that, if you’re to reap the benefits, requires your participation.
You forgive even if you don’t want to. It’s true what they say about forgiveness – ultimately, forgiving others is a way to let go of the resentment and anger within. You’re really forgiving for yourself.
Set an intention to forgive.
Then write a letter (which you don’t send) to your ex, forgiving him or her for all the person’s wrongs and hurtful actions toward you. Forgiving your ex for breaking your trust, breaking your heart, taking advantage of you.
Forgiveness is a miracle-inducing action that will allow the vibrancy of the pain you’re feeling to subside.
One of the first things I did in my journey to healing was to forgive my ex. I didn’t want to at the time, but I forgave anyway. And I continued forgiving her throughout the healing process.
After you begin your mission of forgiveness, you can truly heal by becoming grateful to this former person in your life.
Once you see how he or she transformed your life and improved your being, you can’t help but be grateful. Express that gratitude by writing or sending a silent wish to the person.
I am more grateful to my former wife today for our relationship.
Although our relationship was a struggle, it broke open the floodgates to conscious living, finding my truth and myself (even my purpose). It has led to my greatest personal development, character development and spiritual awareness.
This relationship broke my heart wide open so that I could see my soul and, today, live from this place.
I am thankful.
6) Bringing yourself back to the present.
When you have suffered a breakup and are trying to get over it, something that sabotages your recovery is living in the past – which I did a lot of.
As I’ve talked about, my resistance to change and my inability to accept life events made me want to go back and relive the glory days of our relationship.
I thought constantly about all the good times, the shared laughs, the highlights and the happy times. I longed for a time and day that no longer existed.
When you get in the habit of living in the past, though, the negative and painful times also pop into your mind.
Imagine living a life that has nothing to do with today. I was doing that for a couple of years; continually reliving the past because I felt safe there and took comfort in knowing that my future life could be like my past life.
I was being nostalgic and sentimental; I had a better sense of myself in the past.
Who was I, after all, without my ex and my past?
Letting go of past living is scary, but so essential to moving on.
Life is beautiful, rich and filled with so many lovely experiences. You can’t really experience the beauty of life if you’re not here at this moment.
Catch yourself going back to the past and become aware of your tendency to daydream about the good days.
Pay attention and create present moment awareness in your life.
Think of your past as a movie, with scenes flashing into your mind, but try to avoid jumping back into those scenes and reliving them.
You’ve already suffered enough. By not living in the present moment, you’re allowing your past relationship and your ex to repeatedly harm you.
Choose yourself. Choose today. Choose the present moment.
7) Soul lessons.Life lessons.
As you move forward, don’t forget the lessons of this relationship. And the lessons from life’s lowest point.
If you haven’t learned any lessons, don’t rob yourself of the opportunity to grow and gain more insight.
As you take responsibility for your part, what have you learned about yourself?
What do you need to change? What do you need to let go of? How do you live more in alignment with your true nature? How do you live a more authentic life? How do you connect and relate to other people? How can you communicate better?
Ask yourself these questions and get curious about how to make improvements in your life and future relationships.
Life has taught you a heavy but invaluable lesson. Do life and your former relationship justice by walking away from it with wisdom.
Ask yourself what the relationship was here to teach you and glean the answers from this question.
8) Cultivate compassion and love.
As you come back to the world of new relationships and new possibilities, cultivate more compassion and love in your life. First, for yourself.
Learn to have a passionate affair with yourself (I wrote this manifesto about how to do so) so that you’re embracing your darkest parts and your wounds.
Don’t beat yourself up over what happened. Treat yourself as you would your gentlest and kindest friend.
Allow love to infuse the thoughts, emotions and feelings in your life.
Establish a spiritual practice to help you generate love from your internal being.
From your inner core, imagine love spreading outward toward others. Imagine love from within expanding from you to the entire world.
Breathe in compassion. Breathe out anger. Breathe in compassion. Breathe out judgment.
Breathe in love. Breathe out the past. Breathe in love. Breathe out the pain.
9) Step into your life with courage.
Once you accept what happened, go through the healing process and are ready for a comeback, be ready to step out of your broken heart and into your life.
What I mean by this is to embrace everything that has happened to you and then find the courage to move forward.
Find the courage within for each step of the journey toward healing and then the courage to come out of healing.
Take small steps toward living a new life. Small steps in saying “yes” to coffee and “yes” to meeting new people.
Small steps in reacting differently to people, in changing your past behavior and in improving who you are as a person.
Yes, your past happened – own it – but the future is happening now and you can write how that goes.
You’ve come out of heartache and failure – you know what it’s like to be at life’s low point, but this has certainly prepared you for life’s glory days.
You’ve experienced crisis. Now you’re ready for brilliance.
Coming out of your shell to meet your best life takes courage. Take those small steps of courage to live an inspired, love-filled and soul-rich life.
Did you enjoy this post? Please share it with your friends and family who have experienced heartache and are trying to move on.
It’s not over. You can comeback and get over whatever adversity is standing in your way.
It’s me again and this time, we’re going to try video so I can give it to you straight (and in person).
I have a very simple but powerful message for those of you who are going through tough times – you can get through it.
Why do I know this to be true? Because I’m living proof of it – I made it through and I’m going to share with you the 3 important lessons I learned to help you survive the tough times.
Click above to learn more. Thank you for living courageously and standing up to face the difficult times that face you.
“There is more to life than increasing its speed.” Mahatma Gandhi
For most of my life, I valued and lived by the rule that the busier I am, the better.
And the more speed and momentum I had, the more I felt I was ‘progressing’ in life.
While there is absolutely nothing wrong with taking lots of action and seizing the day, when we find ourselves in a perpetual rat race, struggle to keep up and begin to put ourselves and our health last, problems arise.
Last year at one stage, I found myself working 3 jobs, plus studying part time.
Did I feel like an “I-can-do-anything” Superwoman at the time? Absolutely! But did I also sacrifice my sleep, my family time, my social life, my eating habits, my exercise, my alone time and my hobbies? Absolutely!
It was only when I began to feel disconnected from my true self, anxious, always on the run, grumpy and irritable around my loved ones, and burnt out and exhausted to the point where I literally could not wake up at all one whole weekend (yes, I actually lost count of how many hours I slept!) that I realised that something had to change.
I began by slowing down, taking stock of my life and asking myself the question we all dread to ask ourselves: “where am I going?”. It’s amazing how the veil of ‘being busy’ gave me no time to think about just ‘where’ being perpetually busy was taking me – and even more importantly, WHO being perpetually busy was turning me into.
Then I spent the next 6 months actively reconnecting with myself and restoring more balance in my life.
With divine help, I made some much-needed positive changes in life including developing a closer spiritual connection with God and cultivating more faith…
developing a beautiful romantic relationship;
resigning from a job that was not serving me;
relaxing my mind and healing myself through Reiki;
launching my own small Reiki business…
detoxing my life more of negative energies;
sleeping more;
consciously beginning to acknowledge and let go of ‘ego’ habits such as pride;
spending more time with my family;
engaging in my hobbies such as writing and creativity more;
and developing healthier eating habits.
Here are 8 strategies I’ve learnt – and am still learning – on the road to creating a more balanced and authentic life.
1) Begin to see yourself as a HOLISTIC BEING (mind, body, heart and soul)
“Each of us is a house with four rooms – a Physical, a Mental, an Emotional and a Spiritual Room. We tend to live in one room most of the time. But unless we go into every room every day, even if only to keep it aired, we are not a complete person.” – Rumer Godden
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learnt through life, through practising Reiki and through my Holistic Counselling studies is that we are a multi-faceted, rather than one dimensional, being. And that balance comes when we begin to take care of these 4 aspects of ourselves, rather than just one or two.
It may sound complex to juggle 4 aspects of yourself, plus other aspects of life, but it is more straightforward than we think because our external world is a reflection of our internal world, and therefore positive internal shifts lead to positive external shifts, thus slowly creating a more harmonious existence.
And let me tell you from personal experience that even one small consistent change (such as the ones below) can lead to huge internal shifts and many other unexpected and positive results because our minds, bodies, hearts and souls are so intricately connected to each other.
♦ Some ways to nourish your Body: sleep more, exercise more, dance more, eat more natural and unprocessed food.
♦ Some ways to nourish your Mind: read more, do more creative writing, journal your feelings and thoughts more.
♦ Some ways to nourish your Heart: do more random acts of kindness, volunteer or give to charity, do more nice things for your family, friends or partner, do things you love doing more.
♦ Some ways to nourish your Soul: pray more, meditate more, write down your inner most dreams more.
Do more things that nourish ALL aspects of your holistic self such as Reiki, Yoga and Meditation.
2) Slow down and once in a while and ask yourself and God: “What can I change to make my life better and more authentic?”
Asking myself this question helped me reconnect with the person I was underneath my tiredness and grumpiness: the person who was desperate for peace and balance.
Asking yourself reflective questions like this may feel raw at first, but can lead to many positive results after. After all, we can only positively change the things that we first acknowledge as needing to be changed.
3) Create a personal Vision Board
Once we have acknowledged some things in our lives that can be positively changed or refined, we can choose to set some goals, dreams and visions and then create a Vision Board.
This board can be made simply by pinning to a pinboard the images, words, inspirational quotes and feelings we wish to cultivate more of in your life.
This is especially beneficial if you’re a visual learner and has worked really well for me personally.
As well as setting goals, allow room on your board for fate and the unexpected. The beauty of a Vision Board is that it can change over time as our lives and our dreams change.
Remember that setting up a board is not about being rigid or having a narrow vision, but about positive and flexible goal setting.
4) Switch off the TV, computer, phone and music from time to time.
Being accessible and ‘on call’ 24/7 means that we often don’t have time to breathe, let alone be alone with our true thoughts and feelings.
It’s okay to switch technology off from time to time.
Give yourself permission to do it, and you will find you have so much more free time than you realised.
5) Go out in nature more
We may often suppress, rather than fully express, our true selves in our daily lives. But in nature and environments where we are free from external glares, judgement, and expectations, we can be the person we are in our heart: fully ourselves.
To reconnect with your true nature more, spend more time in nature more.
It’s as simple as that.
6) Live more simply and from the heart.
The more I live, the more I am convinced that life is inherently simple.
And that being as straightforward and in tune with your intuition as possible is the best policy.
Listening to your inner signals and your intuition (heart), rather than overthinking everything (mind) may take longer to learn and implement (I’m still learning too) but it will be worth the effort.
By clearing and relaxing our minds, we become more in tune with our intuition and our lives begin to seem much more simple.
And we literally breathe easier.
7) Focus inward rather than outward.
Let’s remember that our only competition in life is the person we were yesterday, so never compare your life with others.
To others, it may not seem like my life has changed or that I have changed over the past 6 months. But I know it has, and that I have, and that is enough for me.
It may not seem like I am ‘progressing’ on the outside, but I know better and that is enough for me (and I have a different perception of ‘progress’ now too).
Remind yourself of 3 things:
Life is not a race – with ourselves or with others.
Dreams don’t have an expiration date.
Direction is as important as speed. Don’t just rush into things. Take it slow and choose your direction wisely and consciously.
8) Cultivate more patience…in relation to yourself and life.
Don’t rush any changes you make, force any new habits, or expect results overnight.
Instead, let’s honour the time it takes to do something, to develop a new habit or routine, and to see positive changes occur.
Just like seeds don’t grow into flowers overnight, new habits need time to grow and flourish.
They say it takes 30 days to form a new habit, so be patient with yourself and kind to yourself, especially in the beginning.
Because we are all a work in progress and constantly learning and evolving.
That is the beauty of life.
And finally…
remember to give yourself lots of support and credit, because working on our internal world is always more challenging than working on our external world.
You are amazing already for the efforts you have made and are continuing to make!
Tatiana Stoianovski is a Reiki Healer and Founder of Inspired Self. For daily inspiration and wisdom for the Mind, Body, Heart and Soul, please visit her Inspired Self Facebook page and follow her on Instagram. She looks forward to connecting! *Photo credit
I remember one Christmas when I was growing up and wanted a big box of Legos.
I’m not talking about one of those tiny sets that would build a castle; I’m talking about the whole enchilada—an entire kingdom. This was a giant Lego box that I, along with my brothers, deeply desired, but all December I remained uncertain as to whether or not I would be gifted this luxury.
I remember that, during the weeks leading up to Christmas, I was filled with anxiety. I remember having discussions with my parents about the box’s cost. My Indian parents reminded me that the Lego set was a big sacrifice and financial commitment on their part.
Christmas day came and, ultimately, my brothers and I received the Lego set we wanted—but it was after much anxiety and uncertainty.
A couple of other incidents in my childhood had similar lasting impacts. One was the constant talk in my family about money and whether or not various things were affordable. I’m sure this is a conversation that occurs in every household, but the predominant thought in my family regarding every purchase was, “Can we afford it?”
I guess the incidents that stood out the most, and that were the most embarrassing, for me involved school projects and field trips that families had to pay for. I recall that, regardless of the field trip or event, my parents would inquire whether a fee reduction or scholarship of some sort was available.
Now, let me say three things here.
One, many of these behaviors could have been cultural—Indian people hate to pay full price for anything. It’s why they have a love/hate relationship with America. Their earning capacities are high, and they constitute one of the wealthiest communities out there, but they can’t fathom paying full price for anything.
In the motherland, we bargain, negotiate, plead, and coerce shopkeepers, dentists, and even auto drivers to give us the best possible prices.
Two, as immigrants to the United States and operators of a new business, my parents were doing something inherently risky. Having invested their lives’ assets into a small family business was nerve-wracking. Being in a new country like the United States, running a business, and managing a family’s finances was hard work.
What I’m saying is that my parents were certainly in a financial crunch and that the money issues our family faced were likely real.
Since graduating from law school, I’ve run my own businesses in the United States and know the highly unpredictable nature of business. Until the next client comes along, you never know whether you can meet your monthly expenses or hit your bottom line.
Three, I want to say that although I don’t blame my parents for the rocky financial situation I faced during childhood, I do think it affected me. When you’re constantly being told that your family doesn’t have enough, or that it’s unclear whether your family can meet simple expenses, you end up with fearful attitudes about money and constantly feel as though you don’t have enough.
The money-related anxiety and fear that our parents instill in us can damage us financially for life.
When you want to live a richer life, you forget about the underlying subconscious script playing at the back of your mind. You don’t realize that your entire outlook and ability to earn is being held back by your beliefs and blocks about money.
Simply put: You can’t invite more money into your life until you change your beliefs and subconscious thoughts about money.
You can read all the blogs, books, and magazine articles in the world, but your money situation is not going to change until you address the underlying beliefs about it.
If you’ve grown up in a household that was tight about finances (and I’ll just say any Indian or Asian household), you likely have certain beliefs about money that are not based on reality but, instead, are based on traditions or mindsets cultivated over generations.
Some common false beliefs about money include:
Money doesn’t grow on trees.
You have to work very hard for money.
You can either be happy or rich.
Earning money is a struggle.
Money is scarce and difficult to accumulate.
More money, more problems.
You’re not a good person if you’re rich.
The more money you have, the more snobbish you are.
You need to save up your money for a long time to be wealthy.
You get the idea.
You have, I have, we all have been inundated with these limiting beliefs about money. Many of us have taken these beliefs to heart and have allowed them to shape our views of the world.
So when you’re struggling with money issues or having difficulty making ends meet, you must attack the root cause of your problems—your money mindset.
You have very deep, subconscious, and psychological fears about money.
Would it be fair to call this an emotional money trauma?
When you grow up without enough food to eat, you’re likely to feel that you might run out of food.
It’s the same with love. When you don’t have enough love as a child, you’ll tend to feel rejected and abandoned throughout your life.
Ditto with money. When you struggle with money during your formative years, you’ll have some deep emotional wounds and, consequently, believe you’ll never have enough of it.
Forget about making money for now. There are plenty of programs, methods, and people out there who will tell you how to earn more money.
It’s not your bank account you should be concerned with, but your money mindset.
Let’s get to the root issues surrounding money.
Here are 10 strategies that can help you shift your thoughts about money and help you live a richer life.
1. Visualize your abundance.
Instead of thinking about what you don’t have and what you’re lacking, think about what you want in your life. What does abundance feel like to you?
What would it feel like to not worry about money? Where would you live? What would you do with your time? What would you buy?
Have you ever experienced a period of abundance in your life? How would you walk? How would you breathe? Imagine and stay in a place of abundance instead of a place of lack.
Use positive visualizations to imagine having enough. Imagine whatever it is your heart desires. What would make you feel abundant?
Get creative and picture an abundant life in your mind. Some people create vision boards that portray a visually compelling picture of an abundant life. But you can just as effectively visualize a picture of a rich life.
2. Embrace the positive vibrations.
How do you embrace the vibrations of joy and gratitude when you feel neither? Well, here’s the thing—you gotta start cultivating these feelings in your life.
You have small moments of joy every day. Capture it, cultivate it, and create more of it. Actively schedule activities that bring you absolute joy. Try to refrain from those activities that make you feel horrible about yourself.
Put yourself in high-vibrational places where you’re emitting positive energy.
If hanging out with your high-achieving sister who works at Goldman Sachs and who has two kids and the perfect house makes you feel like a loser, spend less time with your sister!
If your daily yoga class or workout makes you feel good about yourself and brings joy into your life, make sure those activities are on your calendar.
Fight for your joyous activities every day. Do things that bring you pleasure (unless they require a bottle of Crown Royal or could get you arrested).
3. Immerse yourself in a little luxury.
I hate luxurious things; it probably doesn’t help for me to write that here.
I grew up wanting to do something that would help a lot of people, serve others, and create a more just world. I practiced law to balance the scales of justice for some of the most vulnerable people in society. I worked as a union organizer to give workers a voice and to help them stand up to corporations.
While it’s understandable that I’m not comfortable surrounded by luxury, I’ve tried to reverse that trend by putting myself in luxurious places. I’ve walked through and hung out in the lobbies of the fanciest hotels in the world. I’ve embraced the experience of going to conferences where I was put up in nice hotels. I’ve volunteered to take rides in fancy cars.
I’ve spent days at nice beach resorts and even eaten at a handful of fancy restaurants, all in an effort to help myself get comfortable with luxurious places. In the process, I’ve dealt with my own resistance and uncomfortableness. I’m trying to embrace luxury so I will stop resisting it.
Similarly, I encourage you to take a couple of actions this week. Go to places where you normally wouldn’t go. Have coffee and dessert at a fancy restaurant. Walk through a place like Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills, Fifth Avenue in New York City, or the Shoppes at Marina Bay Sands in Singapore.
4. Role play (seriously!)
What kind of abundance do you want in your life? Travel? Wealth? Better relationships? The man of your dreams? More excitement? Enjoyment? A more exotic city to live in?
Whatever it is you seek, try playing that role. What do I mean by this?
Take a trip to the city where you want to live. Dress up in the clothes you would wear if you had an abundant life.
Have a meal at a nicer restaurant. Attend plays at artsy theaters.
If you can upgrade your hotel room, your rental car, or the meal you ordered, go for it. Do those things you would do if money was not an object.
Live up your life a little and try to do those things that you would do if you had all the money you wanted.
You don’t have to spend exorbitant amounts of money either; look for free events and opportunities. Rent cars or clothes to help you feel more abundant.
Essentially, set yourself up in situations and play roles that help you feel more abundant.
5. Give affirmations a try.
I’ve not talked much about affirmations here, but they have helped myself and others. My friend, Farnoosh, talks about how affirmations were critical to changing her mindset and helping her become an entrepreneur.
In this post, Farnoosh not only provides examples of affirmations you can use, but also offers a one-minute affirmation video.
If your mind is filled with negativity and thoughts of lack, repeat affirmations regularly to shift your mindset to more positivity and abundance.
Keep a list of your affirmations on your refrigerator, bathroom mirror, or steering wheel so you’ll have a continual reminder of them.
If you would like to create more abundance in your life, you can also try a meditation. This 10-minute meditation by Lilou is one I’ve found effective:
6. Tap your way to abundance.
I don’t quite know why tapping works, but I have found that it creates a state of abundance in my life.
It’s based on ancient teachings and acupuncture points on your body. You tap these various designated points and repeat affirmations of healing and positivity toward your money blocks.
Again, weird as heck, but what you’re doing is tapping into your unconscious mind patterns and breaking through subconsciously to clear your money blocks.
Try to do this when no one’s around because if anyone is watching you, he or she might call the local mental health clinic to wheel you away.
Videos I regularly use include these two by former Harvard lawyer Erika Awakening and certified hypnotherapist Brad Yates.
7. Continually acknowledge abundance.
When good things show up in our lives, we tend to ignore them.
Instead of doing this, take a moment to celebrate the synchronicities that show up in your life. These are coincidences and blessings.
Get serious about showing appreciation for the small things.
Be grateful for your car and for the money you use to buy gas. Be thankful to your boss who lets you go home early. Be grateful to the client who pays off his or her bills, or the patient who brings you a fancy box of Cadbury’s chocolates.
Every night, write a list of 10 to 20 items you’re thankful for. Your family counts, your pets count, your annoying neighbors moving out from the next-door apartment counts, and so does the lunch your best friend treated you to.
8. Dress better
Get in the spirit of feeling more abundant. During college, in my quest to live like the Average Joe, I bought my clothes from thrift stores and second-hand stores. It didn’t bother me if the clothes were torn or had holes in them.
Since that time, I’ve realized that, no, the average person doesn’t wear torn or ripped clothing.
While I still prefer simple clothes, and have only a minimal number of clothes, I try to buy better-quality clothing and have even purchased a couple of nicer shirts.
Your closet doesn’t need to look like the rack at Nordstrom’s, but you can purchase a few good-quality shirts or dresses. Wear them on a regular basis and feel more abundant by sporting some stylish fashions.
9. Create an inspiration board.
Some people say a vision board can inspire more wealth and abundance. On it, you place pictures of what you want to see in your life.
I have a different approach. I put things on my vision board that simply inspire me and that put me in a better mood. I incorporate quotes that inspire me, people who inspire me, and other photos and pictures that make me feel good.
I use this inspiration board to create a sense of happiness and positive vibrations so every time I look at it, I feel more abundance. My inspiration board is filled with peaceful places, churches, sanctuaries and a few famous people (Oprah, Deepak Chopra and hey, even my hero, Leo Babauta)
10. Be generous.
Finally, there’s no better way to feel a sense of abundance than to give back.
When you give, you feel better about yourself. Giving is the simplest and easiest way to feel abundance in your life.
When you give, you’re telling the universe that you’re in a state of wealth and enough. You can’t give unless you have.
Of course, you can’t give money when you don’t have money. But you can give your time and your energy. You can give your attention and your presence. You can provide free services or just help someone. Do one small act of kindness a day.
All of these practices will help you feel more abundance. If you’re wondering why you don’t have the money you desire, don’t sit back and do nothing.
And don’t take action alone without shifting your vibrations and your mindset.
No online course, special training, or raise at work will help until you change your mindset regarding money.
Start with these money-blocking exercises to break through your abundance blocks.
Feel more abundance and you’ll start seeing more abundance in your life.
Why does Apple make standout products that so many people want?
Why do people tattoo Harley-Davidson tattoos on their bodies?
How did Southwest Airlines create the most profitable airline in the United states?
Some companies get it. They’re able to have fun, make money, inspire those around them and help the planet at the same time.
We know what these companies do and how they do it but Simon Sinek’s book, Start with Why, digs into the ‘why’ behind these companies.
“By Why I mean what is your purpose, cause or belief? Why does you company exist? Why do you get out of bed every morning? And WHY should anyone care?”
Sinek talks about Apple frequently in his book because we all are familiar with their company and products. Apple doesn’t say, “we make great computers. They’re beautifully designed, simple to use and user-friendly.”
Instead, they start with their why: “Everything we do , we believe in challenging the status quo. We believe in thinking differently. The way we challenge the status quo is by making our products beautifully designed, simple to use and user-friendly.”
“Apple starts with WHY, a purpose, cause or belief that has nothing to do with WHAT they do” Sinek writes. “It’s worth repeating; people don’t buy what they do, they buy WHY they do it.”
Same reason people are so passionate about Harley Davidson. In Start With Why, a former US marine and general manager of a Harley-Davidson store proudly sports a Harley tattoo on his left arm. “It symbolizes who I am,” he says, “Mostly, it says I’m an American.”
“The meaning of Harley-Davidson has value in people’s lives because, for those who believe in Harley’s WHY, it help them express the meaning of their own lives.” Sinek writes.
Southwest Airlines has a similar story. In the 1970’s, Southwest began as a champion for the common man – to make flying accessible to all. “Those who could relate to Southwest, those who saw themselves as average Joes, now had an alternative to the big airlines.” Southwests’s ability to stay true to their cause, and more importantly embrace their “Why” is what has made them the most profitable airline in the United States.
What does this have to do with you?
People, like you and I, also have our “why’s” in life but we never pay much attention to them.
Do you want to know your purpose?
Do you want to know why you exist?
Do you want the Gods to reveal to you the very reason for your being?
Unfortunately, you’ve probably looked in all the wrong places all this time.
Your reason for being isn’t locked up in some secret cave or hidden from you by some spiritual master.
You have the ability and tools you need to discover your why.
Know exactly why you were put on this earth.
How?
As the Godfather of personal development, Tony Robbins, points out, “values guide our every decision and therefore, our destiny.”
“If (you) want the deepest level of life fulfillment, you can achieve it only one way, and that is doing what these two men have done: by deciding upon what we value most in life, what our highest values are and the committing to live by them every single day,” writes Robbins in his classic book, Awaken the Giant Within.
“Too often, people have no clear idea of what’s important to them. They waffle on any issue; the world is a mass of gray to them; they never take a stand for anything or anyone.”
You have a different set of values than I do. So does each person you know.
Your values and your values alone will make you happy, bring you immense pleasure, joy, bliss, fulfillment and find in a drunken state of excitement.
On the other hand, if you’re not living your values, you likely despise your life, hate your job, want to strangle everyone you see every day.
If you feel unfulfilled, directionless and purposeless, you’re most likely not living your “Why”. You’re not living your values.
Live in alignment with your values and decisions will become easy. Choices will become black and white.
What action you take next or what you do with your life will seem like no-brainers.
But having values-confusion and or just not knowing what your values are will cause a lot of unwanted frustration, pain and misery.
Tim Brownson, life coach extrodainaire, my personal life coach and teacher of life coaches says it best: in his online best-seller, Aligning With Your Core Values, “When you see the core of values of an individual, you are effectively viewing his or her identity, and you are almost getting a window into his or her soul.”
Find your values.
Before you can live your values and enjoy life to the fullest, you have to discover what your values are.
Values exist within you. It’s shaped by a lifetime of living, your beliefs, your understanding of the world, your perspective on life, your family background, your politics and religion.
Your values get to the very core of who you are.
It’s for this reason that Tim not only discusses values at length on his site but in his excellent life coaching course for coaches, which I had the benefit of taking, Tim delves deep into values and discusses how to elicit values from clients.
(On a side note, Tim’s course is an excellent crash-course for up and coming life coaches. Tim not only packs in a ton of information in practical terms based on his personal coaching experience with hundreds of clients, but teaches the nuts and bolts of coaching, marketing and helping clients achieve results in the quickest possible time. p.s. Tim – send a check made out to me at…)
Tim provides a structure to find our values within. First, being aware of the many values that are out there and then asking you to reflect on your life to determine your most important values are.
For example, Tim provided us a list of the common values that people base their life on: peace, freedom, integrity, love, passion, loyalty, adventure, and dozens of other sample values.
Once you recognize your values, Tim advises prioritizing them and ranking them from your most important value to your least important.
Finally, he encourages life coaches to help clients get clarity with each value, understanding what that particular value means to each person.
Values like freedom, peace, humor, fun or adventure have different meaning to different people so Tim encourages you to get as specific as possible with your what a value means to you.
Live your values.
Once you’ve acknowledged your values, it’s time to see if you’re living your values. Time to look at the way you’re living your life, the work that you do, the relationships that you have and what you’re doing on a day to day basis.
If there’s frustration, if you’re feeling unfulfilled or resistant towards certain tasks or people or goals, you’re more than likely experiencing a life conflict or values conflict. Your are not living your life according to the values you’ve created your life around.
Conflicts can be internal and external. For example, if you value freedom, fun and humor, you’re more than like going to hate your job as a computer programmer.
If you’re a peaceful, justice-loving spiritual hippie of a person, your badge and job as a police officer isn’t going to cut it.
The power of values.
Are you ready to change your life?
Ready to examine, understand, analyze and live your values?
How are 3 ways to discover your values so you can start living
1) Hire a life coach to help you see if your life is in alignment with your values.
2) Pick up Tim’s book, the more advanced version for life coaches will give you plenty of insights and expertise to not only discover your life values but help others understand theirs.
3) Go through the list of values from a list like this and note your top 8 values. Rank them and prioritize them by values of importance. Then, examine your job, relationships, and life and see if your life fits those values.
Success, fortune, weekend getaways to the Cannes Film festival, notoriety and fame await those of you who are living in tune with your values.
You’d be unstoppable if your life values are in symmetry with your life.
If they’re not, you’ve now been let in on the mighty little secret to life fulfillment and satisfaction.
Is it time to figure out your ‘why’ in life? Are you living your values or is it time for a values tune-up?
Hi, I’m Vishnu
I help people overcome their devastating breakups and divorces and find love again. Instead of visiting the Himalayas, sign up below and join me. I am taking a writing break but will be back soon.
This guide is free. A ticket to the Himalayas is $2000. Your move.
