This post is dedicated to all the Indian kids out there who are being raised by over-bearing and abusive parents. (I write this for you with love and understanding, compassion and hope for healing)
Yes, those of you who suffering in the care and control of their parents. (And even adults who survived a detrimental childhood)
No, you’re not being beaten (some of you are) or starved (some of you are) or locked up in solitary confinement (some of you are), but you are being emotionally beaten down every single day of your life.
You’re called names (including animals like “donkey” or “cow” and other animals found in Southeast Asia) and often the worst insults imaginable.
You’re told that you shouldn’t have been born or that it would be better if you were dead.
You’re told that you are the result of bad karma from a past life.
You’re told that it was your parents’ ill fate to have given birth to you. You are their life’s biggest mistake. You’re unworthy, incompetent, useless and dumb. There’s something wrong with your mind, weight, height, or even skin color!!
You’re not good, not good enough and something is inherently wrong with you as a person.
Yelled at, screamed at, compared to others, verbally assaulted, bullied, threatened to be sent back to India, threatened to be sent to live with relatives.
Told you’re not loved, not wanted, not worthy and that you do not make your parents proud.
You’re compared to your friends, compared to your family members and compared to random Indian kids who win spelling bees, receive Harvard acceptance letters or get nominated to a federal judgeship.
If you think I’m reading your mind and your life, I’m not. I had a very similar experience growing up in this kind of environment.
Although different today, the impact of my childhood has been scarring.
And it’s not just Indian people! Many Asian cultures have seen this type of abusive parenting. You may be in Nepal, Bangladesh, Pakistan, Indonesia, Singapore, Vietnam, Thailand, Korea, Cambodia or Laos. You could be in Saudi, Egypt, Iran, Iraq or Turkey. Or hey, you might even live in the States or Britain, but still have experienced this kind of parenting style.
Whatever it is, I’m here to offer some thoughts to help you heal, survive and live with your parents for the few more years you have left under their care. Or even help you cope with them in your adult years.
I’m not only going to explain why our parents are so unconscious, but what we can do about it. How do we cope? Or tolerate the abuse? How do we move forward? For more information, check out out my book on this topic:
I do know plenty of emotionally healthy, loving and supportive Indian parents, so let me not throw all of them under the bus.
One way to understand why some parents are so Mao Zedong-like in their child-rearing behaviors is to understand what made them this way.
Only once you know some of the reasons for your parents’ insanity can you begin the process of understanding, coping with, healing from and surviving their dominion.
A place of scarcity. Your parents came from difficult conditions filled with struggle and often did not have enough growing up. They want more now because of their struggle, poverty or difficult circumstances growing up.
Insanity of their own parents. More than likely they are products of their own parents, who were oppressive, coercive, and ruled with an iron fist. They herded their children like cows and instilled fear in them like a deadly cobra.
Insecurity and fear. They are unsure of themselves, so they worry about you. They are afraid of the world and thus, worry about you. They hate conflict, change and instability. They do everything they can to limit the number of changes they have to face. They don’t like anyone rocking the boat, and you seem to have a penchant for doing just that.
Competition mindset. Because of this culture of scarcity, they are in a constant state of competition. They compete with others in their community, others who speak the same language, and even with their children. You’re in a competition with all the other Indian kids they know – they’re regularly comparing and measuring you up against someone else.
Protecting the family name. Indian parents care a bit too much about something. It’s a disease, really, a disease with no cure. They care how they are seen by the people they know: their reputation. They are sure as hell not going to let you ruin that.
Protecting traditions, and you’d better get married to a boy from the community! You’re not going to screw up hundreds of years of tradition. Your great-great-grandfather was a maharaja of the Mughal empire, a priest for the wealthiest merchants or advocates in the highest British courts. Each generation married spouses within their own caste, and you have no right to mess with these traditions.
Your parents are the gatekeepers and prison guards of tradition – you will be protected and safeguarded until, and only until, you’re wedded off to a suitable boy with great character (or more likely, a nerdy doctor with generations of family wealth living in America).
Bollywood movies. The insanity of cinema makes your parents act irrationally, illogically and overly-sentimental. Our parents have gotten so hooked on fictional movies and Bollywood masala that they play out the feelings and sentiments of those movies in real life.
(You never know – it could be the reverse. The silver screen might just be copying the real-life emotional dramas of a typical Indian family).
“We own you” mindset. Indian parents don’t think of themselves as your caretaker. They were brought up to believe that they own you. Your success is their success. Your achievement is their achievement. Your failure is theirs. Your income is theirs. So is your house.
Guilt. Indian parents operate on large sums of guilt, a gift from their own parents. They constantly feel like they’re not enough, not doing enough and haven’t given enough to their children. They feel guilty towards their extended families, guilty towards their parents, guilty with themselves.
“We want you to do better than us.” Many parents want their children to do better than they did. They made a decent life for themselves in a new country (or even in the old country) with struggle and hard work while supporting you and your siblings. The minimum they want is your success. Your success would have made all the struggles worth it, in their minds.
Our old age depends on your success. They are constantly living their lives close to death. They’re wondering who’s going to be there for them when they are old and sick. It consumes their minds – they need you to be stable and successful so they can live with you and inconvenience you to take them to medical appointments.
Pride. Pride is mixed in with ego. Like I said, your success is their success. You are literally their pride, joy and life. Your parents love to brag and show you off – nothing more than bragging and showing off a product they created. Your success makes them feel on top of the world. Your failures make them feel like failures. You are very VERY personal to them.
They way they see it, you are them!
How to deal with abusive tiger parents?
So, now that you know some of the reasons they are who they are, what can be done about it?
Tiger parents, who happen to be strict disciplinarians and emotionally abusive, are difficult to stop.
All the power is with them. If you’re under 18, they are providing your food and shelter. They practice verbal abuse, emotional abuse and emotional blackmail.
For everything you say or do, they have a cruel and hostile response.
They are determined to control your life and ensure you conform to their every expectation.
Here are 18 tips to help you deal with your abusive parents.
Not all this advice will apply to every situation, but you’ll have to use the tips that you believe can best help you cope.
1. Expressing yourself. Although this is a very difficult thing to do, you can express how you feel to your parents.
Take out your own anger and frustration when you talk to them. Try to have an objective discussion in a conversational tone where you express to them how their actions are hurting you.
Try to write down how you’re feeling and give it to them in a letter.
Get another adult, neighbor or elder family member involved and express to them how you’re being treated at home. Do this at your own risk, since outing your parents publicly and giving light to their abuse will make them go berserk. Prepare for irrational and furious responses most of the time.
Caveat – no need to express yourself regarding topics that infuriate or make them angry. Don’t talk to your parents to provoke a fight with them – some topics are better left untouched.
Avoid harsh words, accusations and abuse by choosing to stay quiet on unimportant and trivial matters. Avoid arguments you know you can’t win or conversations that will end in a blow up.
2. Know you’re not alone. Many others, including myself, have survived our parents’ child-rearing. When you make it out of childhood and young adulthood alive, you can reflect more clearly on the experience of having lived with your parents.
You’ll realize that they didn’t know any better and didn’t understand what they were doing.
You are not the first or last person to experience these kinds of difficulties at home.
Many people have experienced this type of abuse, figured out a way to make peace with it and used this difficult part of their lives to accomplish good things. I’ve written an entire book on how to make peace with this kind of abuse which you can pick up here. The pain can be used for good later in your life. It can give you coping skills and strength for other difficult situations.
It’s a lesson in adversity.
You are walking a path that many have walked before you – you’re not alone. We’ve survived it, and you can too.
3. Find someone who understands. There’s nothing wrong with you.
You’re not inadequate, dumb or incompetent.
You’re the child of abusive parents, that’s it. Parents who don’t know any better.
To help remind you that you’re not defective or deficient in any way, share your experiences with someone who understands. A good friend to talk things over, a sibling who can empathize, or a family member you trust are all good people to confide in.
If you have the means, and especially if you’re an adult, consider counseling. In the U.S., this is not very taboo, but it does seem to be in other parts of the world.
Get hold of a counselor to support you or a professional to help you be emotionally resilient, find healthy ways to deal with your parent’s behavior, and try to reduce the detrimental impact of your parents on your emotional and mental life.
4. Boost your personal development, character and behavior.
While you can’t change your parents, their attitude or behavior, you have a priceless opportunity to work on yourself.
I know I know – they are the problem and are the source of the greatest pain in your life.
But Viktor Frankl reminds us that, “when we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
In the depths of your frustration and helplessness, all you can do is try to find ways to make self improvements and become a better person yourself.
While your parents are angry and abusive, you can learn how to release the anger in your life and treat others better.
While they view you with scorn, you can to find compassion within yourself.
While they are disrespectful and crude, you can be loving and forgiving.
You can intentionally and purposefully start changing your behavior, attitude and reaction to your parents’ wild ways.
Surround yourself with positive people, books and messages. Even blogs and inspiring Ted talks online. While your parents may be poisoning your ears with insults and throwing darts at your soul, choose to combat their impact by proactively spending time around positive people and messages.
Inspirational messages by inspirational and resilient people can help you stay in good spirits.
Use the internet and books to mold yourself into a new person. Work on your personal growth and character in the face of the storm.
5. Live in the present moment. Yes, they hurt you yesterday and the day before that and many many other days. But look at the moment that you have now and try to live for that moment. When you’re not feeling their wrath or their putdowns, they are not hurting you in that moment. Embrace that moment.
Try to not let the past hurts and pain have a snowball effect on you, creating something you have to deal with every day.
Take it day by day and moment by moment. Don’t let the past repeat in your mind after it’s gone.
6. Change your internal game. You can’t control your parents, what they say or what they do, but you can control what you’re feeling and thinking on the inside. You’ll have to take everything they say and do and reframe their words, intentions and actions.
What they are saying is not what they really mean.
They want to say they love you and support you, but don’t know how to voice that. They would if they were programmed differently.
You have to fill in a lot of the blanks for yourself. You have to feel those things that your parents are not showing, fill in the blanks for the words they don’t say and the actions they don’t take.
For every damaging comment and insult they hurl, you can try to give yourself a different meaning of it or change the context for yourself. Try to be understanding and empathetic of their behavior, as challenging as it may be. They are challenging you to be your highest and most spiritual self.
It’s not entirely their fault – they are the product of their parents, culture and Indian mindset.
7. Journaling. Finding ways to express your feelings is a helpful way to deal with the rejection, pain and hurt that your parents are causing you.
While you may not have access to a professional therapist while you’re still living under their roof, find ways to write out your frustration, anger and pain.
You can use a journal to try to listen and write down what they’ve said, why it’s not true and what your feelings are about the nature of the critical remarks. Counter their remarks with your version of the truth. Counter their abusive words with positive ones.
8. Know your time is limited. You only have so much time left with your parents. Know that you won’t spend an entire lifetime with them, but only a few short years before you get out of their domain.
This is similar to surviving torture or any unpleasant situation. Find ways to cope and wait it out. The parents who rule your life now will not do so forever.
9. Practice self-love. I have an entire eBook on this, but acknowledge that your feelings will be hurt, your confidence affected and your self-esteem ruined by living with your parents. How do you love yourself while you are surrounded by negativity?
Spend the time that you have working on accepting, loving and being compassionate with yourself. If you aren’t feeling the love and emotional support at home, you’ll have to find ways to cultivate your love for yourself from within.
10. Take the high road. Be willing to forgive, understand and love your parents, knowing that they really have no idea what they’re doing. As I’ve explained above, you know why they’re acting the way they are.
Really, they just want the best for you. It may be for all the wrong reasons, but they want you to live up to your potential. Having parents that are missing from your life or don’t care about you could be worse.
They yell, scream and criticize as a strange and unusual way of showing you love. They believe that you’ll thank them one day for the discipline and encouragement they’ve given you, not realizing how much damage they are causing you.
Chose to act from a place of wisdom and let go of their trespasses on your life.
11. Forgiveness. Knowing some of the reasons that your parents are they way they are, you have to start with forgiveness. As difficult as it might be, you have to forgive for one major reason. Your parents are already hurting you by attacking you and making you feel bad. You are only adding insult to injury by allowing them to hurt you even more when you confront them with anger.
Forgive. Not for their sake, but for your own.
The quicker you forgive, the quicker you’ll be releasing any resentment and pent up anger you’ve built up. Forgiveness is the key to your peace.
12. Take on the challenge. If your parents are overly critical about a certain area of your life like school or grades or your health, challenge yourself to improve in that area of your life.
Show them that you can do better – turn it up a notch just so they’ll leave you alone. And hey, when you’re the CEO of Microsoft, you just might thank them for the discipline and abuse!
13. Ignore and retreat. Let the harmful words your parents are spewing out go in through one ear and out the other.
Realize that the negativity and criticism are your parents’ issue, not yours. Try to not take anything they say personally. If you do take it personally, refute each putdown and critical comment with a positive one. Come up with reasons and logic that are contrary to what they’re telling you.
Try to reduce the amount of face time you have with your parents. If you have projects and homework, work on them in a locked room. Spend time at friends’ houses and volunteer to do things that will take you anywhere out of the house.
Look out for what you say and do that sets your parents off. Are you provoking them in some way? Is there one part of your life that makes them angrier than others? Do you say things that infuriate them? Be aware of what the big blow ups in your life are about and try to take precautions to avoid certain topics or behaviors with your parents. .
14. Cultivate spiritual practices. They can say things to you, harm you emotionally or try to hurt you in other ways (in hopes of motivating you to do what they want). What they can’t do is disturb your inner calm.
Seek out spiritual practices like meditation, yoga, and mindfulness practices to be in tune with yourself. Go deep within and release the pain that you’re confronting. Transform the tears and pain into love and healing.
The words may reach your ears, but refuse to let them destroy your spirit.
You can try to embrace the pain and suffering caused by your parents. Feel it, hold it, and let the negativity bathe over you. By being present with the pain and mindful of the caustic words they use, you’ll be able to let go of the sting of their behavior.
15. Learn the lessons. What could this possibly be teaching you in life?
Is there any merit to what your parents are saying to you? Definitely not!
Is there any underlying value to living with caustic and bitter people? Maybe?
Are you learning how to deal with difficult, rude and belligerent individuals? Absolutely!
Ask yourself if your parents are your greatest lesson and try to determine what lessons you can learn from their words and behavior. What can you learn from their unconsciousness?
Will you treat others differently? Will you be a much different kind of parent?
16. Be thankful. While you may absolutely despise them for their cruelty, there are things in the past and present that you should be extremely grateful for.
Your parents have made sacrifices, worked hard and put food on the table for you.
They may have done touching, considerate and even kind things for you.
They may have taken care of you in illness, treated you to a special birthday, celebrated you in some way, spoken well of you to friends and family.
When you chose to focus on the smallest amount of gratitude towards your parents, you will lift the weight of all the negativity and hurt that your parents are causing you. A little gratitude just might help you seem them in a more positive light.
17. Try kindness. Your parents may appear to be irrational, insensitive and callous people.
Challenge them and fight them, and they will continue to make your life even more hellish.
Trying to appease them, love them and be kind to them might, just might, get them to stop, or at least take it easier on you.
18. Use your imagination. This last tip could be Walt Disney-like, but it could help and just might save the day.
How is your imagination? If you’re creative or have a lively imagination, use it to your advantage. Imagine you’re not living at home and experiencing the daily berating and spouts of anger.
Use your imagination as an escape. Imagine you’re a pirate traveling the world, Huckleberry Finn on an adventure, or riding Aladdin’s magic carpets.
Allow yourself to escape the mental and emotional torture by visualizing being in an entirely different place. A voracious reading habit can also help you take your mind to a more peaceful and happy place.
Family dynamics are a difficult thing. When we interact and are with those closest to us, we experience many emotional wounds and pain.
To cope, try some of the strategies above. Remember at the end of the day that regardless of who does what to you, you ultimately have the power to decide how you’re going to react.
You can set aside the pain, anger and self-loathing to choose forgiveness and love.
Your parents may have trouble expressing their love for you, but you have the ability to practice empathy and understanding and reciprocate with kindness.
You can choose the high road, embrace the lessons from this relationship and prepare for better days ahead, because it will get better.
I want you to know that healing is possible and you can overcome the scars left by your parents. You can read more in this book I wrote for you here:
Do you think the universe is out to thump you like the 2014 German World Cup team? (Yup, beat you 7-1 on your own turf, in your own country? ¡Que triste Brasil!)
Or do you believe the universe is like a well-dressed, chiseled-jaw, Italian gentleman with piercing blue eyes who discreetly whispers, “Ti adoro” (I adore you) into your ears as the clock strikes midnight?
One who listens intently to your every command and often grants your wishes?
Or, more likely, do you think that anyone who speaks about such things as “the universe” should be locked up in a far-away island-ashram with organic cuisine and non-stop audio recordings of Deepak Chopra?
The universe and you.
Each of us will characterize the universe as something different.
To some, the universe is the physical realm we live in.
Most correlate the universe with the natural order of the world we live in, even Mother Nature.
You may think of the universe in a spiritual realm, like a universal design or intelligence by a higher power.
Even God.
The universe can be your reality. The world as you see it.
How to have the universe on your side.
I’ve noticed in my own life that the more I’m tune with the universe and its laws, the more positive circumstances unfold in my favor and life feels like it’s rooting for me.
Other times, when I’ve been out of sorts with the universe, I feel like a floating feather in the eye of a hurricane, stirred violently in its arms.
When you’re in tune, the universe grants you favors like the Godfather.
In my own life, being in sync with the universe these days has resulted in a dream job, meeting the right people, rich experiences, exotic travel and circumstances falling into place.
Even without asking for things, living by these universal principles makes miracles happen. It feels like magic at times!
Out of tune, the universe will feel like well-dressed, burly men in black, driving you out into the desert in the middle of the night with shovels in the trunk.
If you’re having trouble getting what you want in life, feeling out of sync with the universe and not manifesting your dreams, you may be in the dark about some powerful universal laws.
It’s not that you suck at manifesting – you just didn’t know about these universal laws existed. And if you had no idea these laws existed, you probably don’t know how you could live in alignment with them.
But all that is about to change now.
These are not laws I created, but simply discovered working in my life.
I find that when I’m in alignment with these 21 laws, miracles occur and dreams come true.
These 21 laws have helped me be one with the universe and have created some delightful circumstances in my life. I am writing these laws down to help you achieve your dreams and manifest your life desires.
21 Powerful Laws to Be One with the Universe and Manifest Your Every Wish
1. Be present. Our desire is often to live in the past and in the future. Living in the past allows you to lick your wounds and immerse yourself in your pain. Living in the future elevates your anxiety and causes you to measure yourself against a future that is not yet here.
The universe works best with you when you live in the present time. Refuse to be hauled back to the past or constantly thinking of and fearing your future.
Whenever you become aware that you’re dreaming about that sweet relationship from 20 years ago or that ex who did you wrong, take note of it. Recognize that you’re drifting into the past.
Live here, now, by simply noticing when you drift away to the past or future.
2. Be prayerful. Although this may be a religious concept to most, I don’t necessarily mean this in a religious sense. Sure, I may pray to a God, but a prayer of thanksgiving, a prayer for strength to deal with life’s twists and turns, or a prayer of hope will do just as well.
Prayer allows for focused reflection and alignment of our soul with the universe.
Prayer is a practice that allows your heart to communicate directly with the universe.
Speak to the universe through prayer, but refrain from groveling or begging. Instead, use these tips to pray the right way.
3. Be still. This is an important one. Somehow when I’m still through a period of either silence or meditation, I am able to cut out the world around me and be on the exact same vibration as the universe.
“Day by day, become more and more intimate with the inner stillness, joy and love which is the fragrance of your own pure heart. Keep quiet.” Mooji
Be still. Meditate. Listen to yourself. Allow moments of silence so your intuition or soul will reveal answers to you.
5. Live like you’ve received it. Imagine how it would feel to have what you desire or request from the universe.
Use visualization techniques to feel and embrace what you desire.
I mentioned above that you shouldn’t live in the future or waste your time in any place other than the present moment. So how do you reconcile the two concepts?
Simply live today like you already have what you want.Feel those feelings and vibrations like you have your heart’s desire at this very moment.
Imagine that it was you whom George Clooney had proposed to, instead of Amal Alamuddin.
Like you bought Ellen Degeneres’s house.
Scored the world cup goal, instead of Mario Goetze of Germany.
Jubilantly walked away with Clare Danes’s or Julia Louis-Dreyfus’s Emmy award.
6. Be of service. Look for opportunities to help others and improve their lives.
“If you’re feeling helpless, help someone.” Aung San Suu Ky
The universe is both disciplined and reciprocal about your service to others. The more you serve freely and without expectations, the more the universe will serve you in your life.
If you serve with expectations, be prepared to face disappointments instead.
Try to help one person each day. Improve someone’s life in some small way.
Serve with your time, your talents, give your abilities to improve the lives of others.
Give more than you take. Give when you aren’t asked.
7. Celebrate everyone’s gift. This is another biggie. As humans, we always are thinking of how to gain for ourselves.
The universe simply HATES this kind of thinking.
If you’re only worried about receiving for yourself, the universe sees this as selfish and self-indulgent.
The universe isn’t a doting parent favoring only one child. And the universe isn’t like The Bachelor reality show where only one lucky woman walks away with the man of her dreams.
The universe isn’t a lottery where there’s only one winner. Everyone wins.
If you think you’re losing, if you try to compare yourself to others or feel resentment at the success of others, the universe will flip you off like a rushed commuter on the I-405.
Whatever anyone receives, celebrate it. My gift is your gift. Your mother-in-law’s success is your success. Your neighbor’s job promotion is your job promotion.
Your best friend’s Oscar win is your Oscar win.
Change your mindset from win-lose to win-win. When you win, I win. We all win.
Celebrate others as you would celebrate yourself.
8. Give a hoot about others. Pay attention to what’s around you. Be more observant of your world.
Look for injustice, poverty, or inequality, and help do something about it.
Make a difference by caring. Change the world by alleviating the pain or problem.
Don’t look at a situation and say, “That’s not my problem”. Instead, think about what you can do to help that problem. What solutions can you come up with?
How can you help? Who should you inform?
Exercise your empathy at work and in life. Try to understand the circumstances others are in and the burdens they face.
Putting yourself in other people’s shoes opens up pores of compassion and love toward others and yourself.
The universe uses compassion and love as fertilizer to allow your life to bloom.
9. Give thanks. Be forever grateful for what the universe has brought your way.
The more thankful you are, the more goodness the universe delivers to you.
The secret here is to be grateful for even the smallest things.
And even for things that you have no business being grateful for. While you may want to curl up in bed over a breakup, know that it could be a big step towards a better future.
When sick, be thankful that you’re having time off to rest.
When you have to shut down a business, be thankful that you don’t have to invest any more money.
When a loved one passes away, be thankful for all the time you were able to spend with them.
10. Be love. Embrace, cultivate and radiate love towards others.
Love your partner. And everyone else too.
Look for every opportunity to reflect love back at the world.
In the face of hatred, injustice and pain, respond with love.
If you’ve grown up without love or lacking love for yourself, then focus on building up your own self-worth and self-love. Read the manifesto on self-love here.
Love yourself as the universe wants to love you. You can only receive universal love when you have the ability to receive love yourself.
So, practice loving yourself, practice loving others, and practice loving everything.
Be a transmitter of love so the universe can work through you and manifest whatever it is your heart imagined.
11. Forgive. Forgive anyone and everyone who has trespassed against you. Use radical forgiveness to let go of the deepest pains and injuries.
The universe can only bring you love when the wounds of pain and anger have healed. You must forgive to allow healing and love to envelop your life.
If you’re not getting what you want out of life, there are probably people in your life you’ve not forgiven. You must let go and forgive them, no matter how big the trespass was.
If you don’t forgive, the universe can’t do its work to bring you what you deserve. The universe will be caught up in your blocks and your resentments.
Universal energy cannot flow through you because you’ve stopped it with pettiness, bitterness and building a wall of negative vibrations around yourself.
If you can’t forgive in your heart, start by writing a letter of forgiveness to the person who has done you wrong.
12. Let go. Let go of what’s holding you down. Let go of emotional turmoil, grudges and hurt. Let go of the past. Let go of pleasurable and painful experiences.
The universe does not like greedy people, and that’s exactly what you’re doing when you hold onto things.
When you hold onto uncomfortable or pleasurable experiences, the universe sees you hoarding something, clinging to feelings like you are to your favorite blanket.
But when you’re holding on so deeply to these feelings, you again stop the universal energy from flowing
“Most of our troubles are due to our passionate desire for and attachment to things that we misapprehend as enduring entities,” the Dalai Lama has said.
If you can’t let go of fleeting feelings and circumstances, how can the universe grant you better and richer experiences? If you’re hoarding the negative vibes (or even positive ones), how can the universe trust you with new experiences?
Embrace the experiences you face, but do not sit on the treasure of your experiences like a selfish Wall Street baron.
Say this: “I chose to let go of this experience” or “I chose to free myself from these feelings. I will allows these feelings to pass through me like the clouds in the sky.”
In fact, be like the sky. Allow feelings, experiences and desires to float past you without grabbing onto them.
The sky is endless. The clouds are abundant.
13. Trust. Trust that the universe will manifest what is right for you, not necessarily what you’ve asked for.
I used to make specific desires and request of the universe, but those manifestations have brought forth pain and struggle at times.
Instead, I now reveal my intentions to the universe, but do not demand how it goes about it or insist on a particular result.
The result I desire may not be right for me.
Trust the universe to use its infinite wisdom to deliver what is best for you.
Instead of demanding that you become the top cat at your company, ask the universe for a position that allows you to manage and lead others.
Instead of demanding a fancy home on the beach, ask the universe for a residence that makes you feel abundant and gives you joy.
Instead of the perfect man, ask for unconditional love, respect and someone who will empower you. Be open to whoever shows up.
14. Be open. Don’t think the universe won’t deliver. Be open to receiving what the universe has in store for you.
It may not be exactly as you desire it, but simply give the universe time to deliver at the right time for you.
And be open to the various manifestations of your intention. Again, it may not be exactly as you had wished, but it will be what is right for you.
Also, we’re curious people. When things do show up in our lives, even if it’s exactly what we wanted, we run scared.
We make up stories in our mind about why someone is not right for us. Even if our deepest heart’s desire shows up, we worry that it will go away, it isn’t right for us, it will end.
Whenever your heart feels like closing, open it. When it feels like running away, stay. Be present.
Know that whatever experience you’re having is the experience you need. It is the experience you need for the evolution of your consciousness, as Eckhart Tolle has declared.
15. Follow the universe’s lead.
The universe will point and lead in certain directions.
Instead of fighting it, go with the flow.
The path of least resistance is the one the universe wants.
If you find yourself in a treacherous path in the pitch-black jungle, fear not. Once again, trust the universe, knowing that there will always be dawn after darkness.
After struggling against and overcoming obstacles in your path, you will see the light.
The universe will guide you in certain directions. Certain paths and people will show up from nowhere. Know that these are signs and clues from the universe.
16. Pay attention to clues. The universe will tell you what’s right with subtle and overwhelming messages.
The universe will speak to you through your intuition, but you may also receive guidance from a single conversation, a book, a phrase or even a seemingly random road sign or car license plate.
In order to be able to see the clues the universe regularly reveals to you, be more mindful to the sights and sounds around you.
If you’re not actively looking for clues from the universe, you’ll miss them.
If you’re trying to make a decision and 3 people give you unsolicited advice about the issue, it’s most likely a clue.
If you go to pick up a cream color cotton-cardigan by Bottega Veneta at the mall but discover it’s sold out, it could be a sign. If you see the same cream-color cardigan at the Banana Republic for one-tenth of the price, even more of a sign. If it’s an extra 20% off due to it being Valentine’s Day weekend, the universe is demanding that you pick it up.
17. Make space. Start clearing out dead-weight thoughts, emotional baggage and other hurts and pains. Once you let go of a person, a feeling, or unproductive habits, you’ll have additional room for more positive people and circumstances in your life.
Leave toxic jobs, situations and even people so you have some breathing room.
The universe can only bring you something different if have room in your life for it.
Most importantly, make space with your time. If you fill every minute of every waking hour with something to do and people to see, how are you going to answer the universe’s appointments and messengers? And messages?
When can your soul mate find you when you’re working 18 hours a day and taking classes at night?
Free up your time. Free up your life. Reduce your commitments. Slow down.
Make space in your life so the universe can fill it with the things you want.
18. Soften. Instead of being on edge, soften your heart.
The universe knows when you are resistant to opening yourself up to the world around you.
Even if you’ve been hurt or betrayed, lower the walls you’ve built around yourself.
Allow loving-kindness meditations and vibrations to soften your heart.
If your soul is pitch-black, envision a bright and loving light from within.
If your heart region feels like a rock, imagine water gushing away at the rock. Imagine that the person who loves you the most lives there.
Allow anger and spite to melt away under the potent power of love.
The most important thing you can do to soften your heart is to love yourself. I’ve written an entire manifesto to help you do just this. To download your free copy, visit here.
19. Embrace your bliss. Do what makes you happy. Seek happiness like a firefly charmed by light.
Seek and experience continuous moments of joy in your day-to-day life.
Surround yourself with experiences and people that enrich your soul.
Seek and be in a continuous state of bliss, joy and delight.
This alone will bring you every wish and desire you want. What you’re doing here is raising your vibrations by feeling good. And feeling good is the ultimate secret to manifesting your every wish.
I’ve written an extensive article on how to feel good – all tips you can use in your daily living.
Feeling good is a real miracle – it will really magnetize your heart’s desires, and your wishes and dreams will show up at record speed.
If you do nothing else in life after reading this post, do this: spend your time consciously doing activities that make you feel joyous. Forget about desires or what you want. Just repeatedly engage in activities that make you feel good.
Of course, as a caveat, don’t take this advice literally. Gambling, drinking, drugs and taking too many selfies of yourself could have negative consequences on your life.
Feel good, but make sure you’re not harming yourself in the process.
20. Wait. Allow the universe to deliver what you’ve requested on its terms, not on your rigid timelines.
Be patient while the universe does its work.
No need to be pushy with the universe’s timeline. And no need to throw your hands up in despair and give up altogether.
If it’s meant to be, it will happen.
If the universe in its wisdom doesn’t believe something is right for you, it may delay the opportunity or withhold it altogether.
Universal wisdom reminds us that patience is always a virtue.
And remember, if you’re not manifesting what you want, what could you be doing wrong? Re-read through this post and see how you can live more in terms with universal principles.
21. Acknowledge the miracles.
Miracles are everywhere (Singapore's St. Andrewss Cathedral)
Sometimes, you do all these things and your every desire comes true. But while you’re vacationing in the Black Forest in Germany or the tulip fields in the Netherlands with your irresistible dream guy, you may have forgotten what got you there.
You forget the universe. Forget above love. Forget about giving. Forget about how we’re all connected. Forget about feeling good. And forget how you achieved all your dreams in the first place.
When something good happens in your life, acknowledge it.
Say it out loud, “What a miracle!”
“What a synchronicity!” “I’m thrilled this happened!” “My wildest dreams came true!”
“Thank you universe. We are creating the most magical possibilities together.”
Be aware that the universal laws are in play. Be happy that you understand them, respect them and are applying them in your life.
#22 Bonus Law: Show Up. Just when I thought I had a complete list of all the universal laws, I was chatting about universal principles with my friend, Janet Brent. She reminded me of one powerful universal law I had left out. Along the lines of being present, you also have to SHOW UP.
In order to maximize the universe working in your favor, you have to make an effort to be there. You have be ready for what the universe has in store for you and be willing to receive it.
You also have to show up for the things that matter in your life, the things that you value and the things that you love.
When you show up for work you’re passionate about, clients your care about and the things you value in life, you create more connections and opportunities for yourself.
Be at the places your heart calls you to. Show up for your passions, dreams, values and people who matter to you. Be willing to receive what’s in store for you.
Remember, these laws are to help you be more in sync with the universe, but that doesn’t mean you should stop living your life altogether and not take any action. That is far from reality.
The universe wants you to be in motion and to make progress in your life, but it also appreciates right action and energy. Energy that is conscious, loving, giving, sharing, patient and grateful. Energy that is uplifting, filled with high vibrations, and cares about others.
To have the universe work in your favor, work these 21 laws (+1 bonus law) into your life. As you become more attuned to the universe, be prepared to be wowed by the miracles that unfold in your life.
If you enjoyed reading this message and found it helpful, please share this message via Facebook, Twitter or email with others you think will benefit. Thank you.
I sat on the curb at 2 a.m, in front of my grandparent’s home.
I had never spent the night on the streets of Singapore (or any country really) and having just arrived at midnight, I didn’t want to startle my sleeping grandparents –or have them ring the cops!
I hadn’t told anyone I’d be visiting.
I flung my luggage in front of the iron gates and made myself comfortable on the curb to wait for dawn. I did what anyone sitting on a dimly-lit street at 2 a.m. would do in Singapore: I pulled out my laptop and started reading my friend Galen Pearl’s ebook on forgiveness.
The journey to this curb had been one of the longest journeys of my life. And I’m not just talking about the 20-hour flight from California.
See, I hadn’t spoken to my parents for a little more than 2 years.
During one of the most difficult periods in my life – the most difficult, in fact – my Indian parents aggravated a painful experience by actively intruding in and opposing my separation from my ex-wife.
“What about our family name,” they pleaded. “What will others say about us?”
“You have no choice – you must stay together,” they commanded uniformly.
Being in a place of extreme vulnerability, pain and hurt, I couldn’t handle the added pressure and demands of my parents.
So, we stopped talking. I did, anyway. For 2 years so I could complete the divorce and move on with my life.
I resented them for being unsupportive and choosing to see me in pain rather than alleviate painful circumstances.
This trip back to Singapore was the first step on my journey to forgiveness. I hopped on a flight I didn’t want to take. Struggled to book my ticket, to hop on the plane and sit through a 20+ hour grueling journey. Survived transit lounges, immigration and customs to confront 2 people who had hurt me so much.
And here I was now contemplating how I’d forgive the two people that compounded the pain of my separation and later divorce. The parents who opted for self-interest and family name before their son’s interest.
I needed all the advice and inspiration I could get before I would have to confront my parents in the next couple of days and find a way to forgive them.
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that prisoner was you.” Lewis B. Smeedes
I re-read the forgiveness chapters for the fourth time. Galen recognized forgiveness was a challenge to most, but provided a convincing argument in several chapters of why to forgive someone.
I needed every reason in the book to allow forgiveness into my heart.
Wanting to forgive was why I had gotten on the plane and why I was now sitting on the curb in the middle of a mildly humid Singaporean night.
“Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.” Suzanne Somers
Here are 6 reasons that moved me to forgiveness during that trip, per Galen’s book, and why you should forgive the people you’re holding grudges against in your life.
1) When victims of tragedy and crimes can forgive, why can’t you? Galen gives an example of the most horrific crime committed on a community of people. For example, the Amish schoolhouse shooting by Charles Robert in 2006 which killed 5 young Amish schoolchildren.
When the community was willing to rely on their faith to forgive an unfathomable crime, are you not able to let go of small or large trespasses against you?
All major religious faiths and traditions encourage forgiveness, one of the most important principles after, ‘love your neighbor’. Religious traditions encourage forgiveness for the most horrific, painful and destructive acts by others.
Why aren’t you able to forgive the person who didn’t send you a ‘thank you’ card?
2) No matter what your reason for holding grudges, you’re poisoning yourself internally.
Are you holding back on forgiveness because you’re upset, angry or wanting to teach the perpetrator a lesson? You’ve probably realized that holding a grudge and not forgiving someone may be “secretly delicious”, as Galen says, but it ultimately hurts you the most.
When you don’t forgive, you’re filled with anger, bitterness and revenge.
Not forgiving will cost you your well-being – physically, emotionally and spiritually.
You think you’re hurting someone else or making them feel your wrath. But the gorilla of anger and bitterness envelopes you daily and your every interaction. Your life and view of the world are blinded by anger, hate and bitterness.
Every relationship and interaction is clouded by your inability to forgive.
* Here’s the big secret about forgiveness: you’re freeing and releasing yourself in the process. Forgiving others benefits you and releases YOU from pain. Your life improves dramatically when you let the grudge go.
3) Even if you’re not ready to forgive, set the intention to forgive. I wasn’t ready to forgive but got on a flight and made the journey back to Asia. I had set the intention to forgive even if I was finding physically and psychologically hard to do so. How do you forgive people who’ve caused you so much pain?
Although I didn’t know how I’d forgive, I forged ahead anyways. If you set the intention to forgive, you’ll start opening your heart to the possibility of forgiveness.
Galen writes that we need, “a willingness that opens the crack in our hardened heart shell just enough so we can breathe in the healing power of compassion and breathe out the toxic bar of bitterness.”
Explore the possibilities of forgiveness. Visualize what it’d be like. See what needs to happen in you to let go and stop the hurting person or their actions from continuing to plague you every day.
4) Forgive radically. Did the wronged act benefit you in some way?
Radical forgiveness is not your traditional way to excuse another but more dramatically to look at the incident as a gift.
What??
While you may have no intention to pardon your ex who broke your heart to a million pieces, your parents who destroyed your self-esteem or your friend who betrayed you, could each one of them have brought forth revelations in your life, paths for growth or self-understanding?
You have to go to a pretty radical place to realize and change your perceptions on the wrong-doer and the pain they caused.
And forgive them while focusing on the many benefits and positive circumstances that came out of their wrong-doing.
Did my parents help teach me how to be there for others in their time of need?
Did they make me want to consider restraint before meddling in other people’s problems or relationships?
Were they trying to show me their love and trying to protect me from the heart-break and pain that came with divorce?
5) Forgiveness transforms pain into compassion. Once you’re able to exonerate someone, you’ve just showered the person and situation with compassion. You’re willing to acknowledge the pain and let go of it.
Forgiving allows you to build your ability to be compassionate to others. It allows for understanding others, excusing their wrongs and redeeming them. If you can extend this kindness to those who pain you, you’ll be better able to live with more compassion towards all those around you.
Compassion brings you happiness and allows you to celebrate the divine quality in others.
6) Forgive to open up paths to be forgiven.
You may want to be forgiven some day too, no?
Although this might be the one of the more selfish reasons to forgiven, I thought I’d add to reasons to forgive by suggesting using the Golden Rule to your advantage.
You’ve wronged others and hurt them. Sometimes, you don’t even know how much you’ve irritated, infuriated or wronged someone else. You may have hurt someone who means a lot to you and who you want to continue to have a strong relationship with.
How would you feel if you could NEVER be forgiven by someone you cared about? Now, do you want to be that person? A person filled with so much indignation and self-righteousness they couldn’t allow their ego to pardon a wrong?
Don’t be that person. Build up your arsenal of forgiveness karma.
There’s someone you need to forgive today. There may be more but there’s probably one person you were thinking of as you were reading this article.
Are you ready to forgive them? Have you forgiven someone and glad you did?
Please add to the conversation in the comments below – your thoughts give me more perspective on these issues.
I help people overcome their devastating breakups and divorces and find love again. Instead of visiting the Himalayas, sign up below and join me. I am taking a writing break but will be back soon.
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