“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.” Unknown
Time doesn’t heal all wounds.
Neither does vodka, when it comes to getting over a break up.
Your life won’t just get better. And you can’t just move on.
Or find another lobster in the sea.
I haven’t had many break ups in my life.
Just one.
But the one I did experience wasn’t a breakup. It was a knockout.
It was a personal tsunami, hurricane and flash flood, all rolled into one Full Throttle ride at Magic Mountain.
It made me question my existence.
The breakup violently shook me to the core and turned my life upside down.
It made me question my identity. It led to a career change. A move. A change in lifestyle. A spiritual awakening. This blog.
While today I am grateful for my break up, divorce and my ex for everything, both during and after our relationship, I wouldn’t be entirely honest if I didn’t say the break up was like swimming in a shark-filled ocean without scuba gear, oxygen or the ability to swim.
I felt naked, breathless and like life was eating me alive.
Are you getting over a breakup in your life?
Your break up has likely left you with a shattered heart, anger, frustration, helplessness and feelings of mourning: the most unimaginable pain and loss.
While I can’t make the pain subside or dry your tears of grief, I can offer you a process that will help you recover from the heartbreak you’re experiencing. And no it has nothing to do with shotguns or harming your ex!
Here’s what worked for me on my journey from heartbreak to joy.
Here are 10 practices for getting over a breakup:
1) Own your pain.
Stop resisting your pain and your pain will stop resisting you.
Following my breakup, I didn’t want to experience pain. I did everything possible to avoid it. I tried to deny that the relationship had ended. I didn’t want to accept the truth. I wanted to believe a future for the relationship still existed.
I found creative, unhealthy and distracting ways to avoid accepting what had happened. I used denial and excuses to avoid the pain of loss.
But let me level with you – you can’t move on until you’ve experienced the pain. You’ve got to embrace your feelings.
Although you’ll suffer and feel the pain’s sharpness for a bit, it won’t last.
If the thought of experiencing pain makes you feel scared or vulnerable, I encourage you to let yourself go there. Feel the pleasures and the sadness of the past. Experience the sorrow and the physical piercing, and cry about the helplessness you feel.
When you let yourself feel the deep, throbbing pain that washes over you, you realize that pain no longer holds you captive. You’ve confronted it, welcomed it and experienced it, and will watch it reduce in intensity.
When you experience pain, you transform your sorrow to your joy.
2) Create your team of personal healers.
This was probably my biggest mistake when I went through my divorce.
I was in so much pain and was so embarrassed that I decided to go through the process alone. I didn’t want to open my heart or show my weaknesses to anybody. That was hard.
When you share your pain with others, your burden becomes a little lighter. Sharing allows you to let go of the pain that you’re holding on to so tightly. It allows you to breathe a little easier and recover a little quicker.
As you can tell from this blog, I’ve come a long way.
I went from hiding my pain from everyone to sharing it with you.
You don’t have to blog your sorrows to the world or write about them in your next country song.
Create a support network of friends and family who understand you. Share your pain with people you trust and who will understand what you’re going through.
If you find the pain unbearable, talk to a therapist or grief counselor.
Think about working with a coach to help you overcome the grief and start taking positive actions to improve your life.
Try not to shut out others; be willing to let them in. People are more understanding and helpful than you think.
3) End all communication with your ex.
If you’re serious about moving on and healing, you must let this relationship go. One of the best things you can do for yourself is to let go of your ex.
This is something that I got right, and I’m glad I did not communicate with my ex much after our separation and divorce. Everything we needed to say to each other, we said during the relationship. It didn’t work out and things ended.
You will have a million and one excuses to speak to your ex, but in reality you have no good reason to continue the conversation. You can be friends down the road, but not now. Your ex doesn’t need your help; he will manage just fine. You don’t need anything back from your ex, or need to give anything back to him.
Unless you’re facing a pressing legal matter or a situation that could seriously affect one of your lives, resist the temptation to contact your ex.
Your healing can start only when you’re willing to say goodbye. And you can’t say goodbye to someone still in your life.
4) Treat yourself with the utmost care and love.
Now is the time to take care of yourself. The best way to do this is to treat yourself as though you are someone who is suffering and in pain (which you are).
Treat yourself like you just came out of a trauma or life-changing circumstance (which you did).
If you’re feeling pangs of self-loathing and self-hate, you might want to treat yourself badly, but resist this urge. Do not eat badly, be around harmful people or stop taking care of yourself.
Start doing things that make you feel good physically, emotionally and mentally.
If going on vacation to a certain spot refreshes you, do it.
If hanging out with certain people brings you peace and calmness, make the time to be with them.
Eat better, exercise, get involved with your passion, and start taking care of yourself.
5) Slow down.
You know how you were too busy for life itself? Well, now that your relationship is over you have a lot of down time.
Even with children, you might find that you have a clearer schedule because the kids are spending half their time with your ex.
You don’t have to pack your schedule and run around town in a mad rush to avoid your pain or your healing.
Create more time in your life by declining invitations, saying “no” to additional commitments and reducing your current commitments.
You need time, so find a balance between work, family and yourself.
Slowing down is one of the gentlest and kindest things you can do for yourself when getting over a breakup. If you have a job that doesn’t allow you to slow down, consider whether now is the time for a career change. Or even just a career sabbatical.
At the same time, don’t slow your life to a hare’s pace. You don’t have to go to work, come home to a few shots of bourbon and hit the covers.
Slow down, but live your life. Take life at your pace, not life’s pace.
6) Write away your tears.
Every therapist, mental health professional and self-help guru you come across will tell you to journal. There’s one reason you hear this advice so often – it works.
As you know, I decided to not only write for myself in a journal, but also for you through this blog.
When you’re writing, you’re thinking about your experiences, you’re processing your feelings and you’re putting your life down on paper. You’re watching the process of suffering and healing that you’re going through – essentially, another form of mindfulness.
Sit down daily or a couple of times a week and write about your experience with heartbreak. How are you feeling? How are you healing? What are you thinking about? How are you able to move on? Reflect, think, process and write!
7) I’m sorry and I forgive you.
One of the most important things you can do to move on from grief and pain is to examine the relationship and its many ups and downs. What stood out about this relationship? What hurt, and what do you feel guilty about? What part did you play in ending the relationship, and what was your partner’s role?
Once you’ve reflected on or written about the mistakes and choices you both made, write a letter of apology and forgiveness.
Take responsibility for the things you did, and ask for your partner’s apology in writing. “I’m sorry for x.” “I’m sorry I behaved like y.” “I’m sorry I was z in our relationship.”
You may not be ready to forgive, but the sooner you reach the point of forgiveness, the sooner your healing starts.
You’re not forgiving for your partner’s sake, but for yours. When you hold onto anger, pain and bitterness, you suffer. Sadness, sorrow and rage fill you.
Let go of those feelings by writing a letter of apology. Oh yeah, and one major point – do not send the letter!!
In the second part of the letter, you have the opportunity to forgive your partner. “I forgive you for doing x.” “I forgive you for having said y.” “I forgive you for being z in our relationship.” Forgive your partner for all the ways they hurt you, for all the mean things they said and for all the things they did to make your life miserable.
While you’ll probably resist writing a letter like this, just trust me on this one. I wrote a letter early on in my divorce (within the first month) and found it to be the most helpful thing I did in terms of moving on.
When you ask for forgiveness, and you forgive yourself, you let go of so many toxic emotions and scars. By letting go of the pain, you truly begin the healing process.
8) A spiritual practice for in-the-moment living
If you’re not a spiritual person, don’t be afraid of this suggestion.
If you think words like “meditation” and “mindfulness” are for hippies who spend their free time at Deepak Chopra retreats or who listen to Thic Nhat Hanh audio books during their commutes to work, you’re probably right.
But almost anyone can practice meditation and mindfulness.
And you don’t have to take part in either of those practices. You just have to find a practice or an exercise that helps you live in the present moment (in the now) for a period of time every day.
Meditation is the natural means of achieving this, but if you’re just not into meditating, try any practice that helps you stay present.
Yoga, your favorite sport, walking, reading or even eating can become mindfulness practices. If you focus on the task without thinking about the past or future, you have the right idea.
Remember, as Eckhart Tolle has said, “The past has no power over the present moment.”
But reducing the past’s power takes work. It requires that you be present and focus on the now.
Stay present. Let go of the desire to relive and experience good times and bad times from a period that no longer exists.
To move on today, practice letting go of yesterday.
9) Lessons in growth and learning.
While you must let go of the past, do not overlook the lessons it can teach you.
What did you learn about yourself? What did you learn about the way you handle relationships? What was your role in the relationship and the way it ended?
What wounds did your ex open within you?
What did you learn about your character? Your personality? Your communication skills?
An ability to reflect on and understand the mistakes you made, as well as determine what you can improve upon, will help you move on to your life’s next chapter and relationship.
Be honest with yourself as you journal about mistakes you and your ex made, unhealthy behaviors in your relationship and your role in ending it.
What do you need to work on? How can you improve?
10) What are you thankful for?
When you get to the point of thankfulness in your healing process, you’re ready to move on.
Everything happens for a reason. Even your rocky and bittersweet relationship served a purpose.
You had good times along with the bad. You had happy memories along with the sad ones.
Everything that happened made you strong. Because of your ex, you’re probably in a better place now.
Are you ready to acknowledge the reasons you’re grateful to your ex? Are you ready to accept that this relationship led to happy times and positive outcomes?
You know more about yourself. You learned things about yourself you never would have known. You gained insight about relationships and wisdom about people.
You’re ready to move on with your life and complete the healing process. You can do so once you recover and let go of the past.
If another relationship is in your future and you’ve done the healing work that I talked about, you’ll be in a much healthier place to love again.
If you need more guidance for getting over a breakup, check out my book, The Sacred Art of Letting Gohere(affiliate link).
When you’re Indian and single, only one question is on everyone’s mind – when are you getting married?
It doesn’t matter if you’re 16 or 60; this is the question that preoccupies every Aunty, Dadi and family friend you run into.
Aunts seem to be waiting their entire lives to witness your marriage.
Grandfathers tell you that their lives are not complete until they see you married.
Your parents participate in deep daily prayers and fasts, hoping that you’ll marry within the year.
These parentals evaluate their lives according to your nuptials.
They give themselves an “A” when you marry a Harvard-trained doctor who comes from the same village in India that you did. They give themselves an “F” when you marry anyone who…isn’t a doctor, doesn’t speak Hindi, doesn’t have family with property in India, or can’t save lives/program computers.
Your life is not complete until someone puts a ring on it.
Or a chain on it. No! not like a prison chain gang.
More like an exquisite gold necklace around a woman’s neck.
Your life’s not complete ‘til you literally tie the knot.
Even divorce is not enough to end the speculation, prayers and hopes that you’ll get married (or, in this case, remarried).
Today you have a second chance. Or a third chance to make right what the Gods got wrong. What the astrologer miscalculated.
While you feel the mounting pressure to have an Indian wedding that generations of relatives can attend, you’re probably wondering whether marriage is even right for you.
And non-Indian people who have no idea what I’m talking about – you too might feel the pressures of finding a doctor kind-spirited, enlightened man who earns a living, provides unlimited emotional support and accompanies you on international travel and spiritual retreats. A man who wakes up the kids and gets them to school and awakens your spirit at the same time.
But what if a romantic partnership or marriage isn’t for you? What do you do then?
Are you better off alone? Should you stay single?
Only you know the answers to these questions.
Are you happy by yourself? Do you get enough companionship, friendship and emotional support from friends and family? Do you find life fulfilling and complete without a significant other in it?
Does your life have meaning, passion and purpose?
It’s difficult in today’s society to be by yourself. Your parents scorn you, your impatient family members continually check their mailboxes for wedding invitations, and every form you fill out shames you for not having a husband’s name to write on it.
Should you stay single?
Again, only you know the answer to that question, but I can list a handful of circumstances in which, yes, you should absolutely stay single!
Here’s when you should consider being by yourself, no matter how many wedding gifts you could net or how fantastic a honeymoon trip to the Bermudas would be.
Here are 5 situations in which staying single might save your sanity and your life.
1) When you’ve just broken up.
When you’ve just broken up with someone, you feel as though the world you know has crashed down on you.
You feel broken, unattractive, unworthy and like a failure.
It’s time to stock up on Häagen-Dazs ice cream, stream the Mindy Kaling show on Hulu and camp out at home with your cat.
It’s also time to cry, heal and take stock of what happened to you.
You might want to take glamor photos of yourself, upload them to a Match.com profile and start packing your calendar with dates for the next several weeks.
Maybe you want to bypass the grieving process for Tinder rendezvous and Shaadi.com introductions.
Of course this is an invitation to meet Mr. Wrong. You won’t be singing Sheryl Crow’s “My Favorite Mistake,” but instead writing the lyrics to a new song, “My Life’s Most Neurotic Mistake.”
When you feel broken down, opt for sanity instead of romance.
Allow yourself to rest, reflect and heal the pain.
2) When you’re not comfortable being by yourself.
Throughout your life, have you been in a series of relationships, one after the other, without any breaks in between?
Are you fulfilled only when you have a romantic interest?
Are you dealing with emotional bankruptcy, perpetual loneliness or a feeling of emptiness? Like your life has no meaning or purpose?
Don’t get back into another relationship simply to fill a void.
If you’re humming along to Sam Smith’s “Stay With Me” and can empathize with the lyrics, “Deep down I know this never works, but could you lay with me so it doesn’t hurt,” you should step away from relationships.
If loneliness and emptiness are lifelong issues, address those issues first.
Begin the journey to embrace yourself and do the daily inner work you need to find peace within yourself.
3) When you don’t know yourself.
You believe your partner is the problem.
The relationship didn’t work because of his jealousy. Or his communication issues. His lack of compassion. The fact that he didn’t listen to you.
If you have pre-packaged excuses and justifications that explain the reasons each of your relationships failed, hold the trumpets and silence the wedding bells.
Your issues might have nothing to do with the men you’re dating or meeting.
They might stem from you.
Do you have some issues that you have to work on yourself?
Family issues that still haunt you and are holding you back?
Have you not made peace and released the grief associated with a previous relationship?
Have you spent no time understanding yourself, being mindful of your thoughts or watching the emotional waves that flood you every day?
You don’t have to go to Rishikesh for a spiritual awakening or make the hajj to Mecca for clarity, but you can begin the process of going within. You can enter the shrine of silence and the halls of reflection.
You can acknowledge life long issues that are bothering you and start working on them.
4) When you’re with the wrong person.
This is both a simple decision and an impossible one.
It’s easy to linger in a relationship that’s not right for you. From the beginning, you knew he was an egotistic, selfish and anger-fueled mad man. And you were right.
You’re in the wrong relationship with the wrong person but you’re not able to break out of it.
Every fiber of your being says, “get out,” but family, friends and your 10 years of shared history make this task virtually impossible.
If you have an emotional investment, kids or family obligations to be together, you’re in a tough spot.
The solution is not to break things off and move on (as much as you may want it to be). You’ll have to work hard, engage in more self-reflection and maybe even seek outside help to get you both on the same page.
If family or kids aren’t issues but the relationship is still not functioning, you may have to do the inner work needed to come to terms with your situation.
Are you in the relationship simply because you fear change? You loathe heartbreak? You hate starting over?
Does staying in this dysfunctional relationship give you comfort, safety or companionship?
Again, it’s virtually impossible to walk away from a relationship, as much as your heart and intuition tell you to do so.
When your intuition rings the alarm bells and you ignore them, you’re living in contradiction to your truth.
5) When you’re uncertain about whom you’re looking for.
Many people go about dating and meeting people the wrong way.
They figure they’ll give everyone a chance and see what’s out there.
This, to me, is like going car shopping without knowing which car you’re looking for.
It would be like taking an international trip and not knowing which country you’re going to.
Essentially, I suggest that the key to finding your ideal mate is to determine the values you desire in another person. Decide your relationship goals and uncover common interests you share with the other person.
If you don’t know who you’re looking for, how will you know you’ve found him?
Oh, and to avoid the 3,000-item checklist you’ve been using to help you find Mr. Right.
How about three shared values, two relationship goals and a partridge in a pear tree a couple of shared interests that indicate you would likely enjoy the other person’s company.
If you don’t find these things after a 45-minute conversation, it’s time to move on.
Don’t let other people’s interest in you determine your interest in them. Trust yourself.
And until you have an idea about who you’re looking for, stay single.
If you go about dating while you’re lost, confused and uncertain, you’ll find a lost, confused and uncertain soul.
You don’t have to be single forever, but there are times in your life when you can benefit from being on your own.
If you still have work to do on yourself or need to figure out what kind of partner you’re looking for, spend some quality time alone.
Hold off against social demands, parental wishes and Facebook references to happy brides. Take care of yourself first.
“Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.”—Maya Angelou
Your wedding day is filled with hope, dreams and unbounded expectations of happiness and joy.
And if you’re Indian, it’s filled with over-the-top ritualistic exercises that remind you that marriage is a soulful (permanent) union to last the rest of your life (and maybe even a few lives after). Your ceremony symbolizes the planets aligning, families joining and even ancestors waking from the dead to celebrate your coming together.
The flower garlands you place around each other’s necks sing with angelic praise, blessing your future life together. The fire ceremony calls for divine intervention and blessings. Every step around the fire confirms your unending loyalty, commitment and sacred vow to stick together throughout this glorious ride.
So you can imagine how separation and divorce go over in a marriage (and culture) like this.
(Stop the music!)
Not very well.
When the flower petals lose their fragrance, the gold stops glittering and the whispers of sweet nothings turn first into bitterness and then silence, thousands of thoughts enter your mind.
Is there something wrong with me?
Am I good enough?
Am I attractive enough? Kind enough? Nice enough? Loving enough?
Am I broken? Unfixable? Unlovable?
Following my divorce, so many thoughts ran through my mind and have continued to occupy my thoughts and my life for the past three years.
These are thoughts you experience while going through the most profound and deep-rooted pain. When the world as you know it shakes you up violently and your heart shatters into a million sharp-edged pieces.
If you’ve gone through a divorce or are going through a breakup now, you can’t imagine better days ahead. You’re in a place of darkness and hopelessness. You think it’s never going to get any better.
You can’t get out of bed.
You can’t think about anything but the pain and sadness you’re experiencing.
You think you can’t trust anyone ever again.
A divorce sadder than a melodramatic Bollywood movie and Jennifer Aniston’s love life.
When my heart was broken after my divorce, I wallowed in sorrow, marinated in self-pity and basked in sadness.
The person whom I had counted on being there for the rest of my life was no longer in it. The person whom I had envisioned all my dreams with and whom I had planned my future with was out of the picture.
The exchange of wedding vows and flower garlands and the tying of the knot (a sacred golden necklace that we call a thali) replay in my mind.
Rituals and traditions that had so much meaning suddenly become meaningless.
When something so tumultuous occurs in your life, you hope you’re in a nightmare and will awaken soon.
But then you realize that you are awake and that everything happening in your life is real: the heartbreak, pain and loss.
As you grieve, you try to find ways to believe again. To become vulnerable again. To trust again. To open yourself to another relationship in your life.
And you know what? It’s damn hard.
It’s hard to put yourself out there, even though the possible pleasure far outweighs the pain you’ve experienced.
You won’t be as excited about that game of laser tag after you’ve served a couple years of military duty with the 2nd battalion in Afghanistan.
And you’ll certainly stay out of the Florida swamplands if Gretchen the alligator once took a bite out of your ankle.
It’s safer to write off the world and sit with cynicism.
It’s drier under the umbrella of pain than it is frolicking in the cloudy weather where violent storms await.
But you can go forward and walk away from that umbrella.
Why? Because maybe, just maybe, there’s not a violent downpour out there.
Maybe there’s sunshine out there.
There’s love out there.
There’s healing out there…
…and there’s wholeness out there.
Are you willing to step out and learn to trust again after heartbreak and pain? Are you willing to let someone else, someone new, into your life after your divorce?
Here are tips on healing a bruised and broken heart: 9 ways to trust again in your next relationship.
1.You’ve acquired experience; some call it wisdom.
You can’t pay for wisdom but you can acquire it through your life experiences. A broken trust and a broken relationship can be great sources of learning and reflection.
You now know that people can be untrustworthy, that everything they say is not true and that their actions might not reflect their intentions.
You know what to look for and you know the warning signs in a relationship.
Hopefully, you have a better idea of what trust looks like and you’re better able to recognize trustworthy people in your life.
You might not have asked for it, but you’ve received a priceless and lifelong lesson about trust that you can now use in every aspect of your life.
2. Learn to have healthy expectations.
No one gets married thinking they’re going to get divorced.
No one goes to their stockbroker thinking they are going to lose money.
And certainly no one goes on a trip around the world thinking they are going to get SARS!
But life happens. Just because we don’t see it coming or can’t imagine it happening doesn’t mean that life won’t get rocky at times.
If you were jaded and idealistic before, you’re welcome! Life’s woken you up to realize that people change, circumstances change and relationships change.
You’re learning that changes happen, even the most unwelcome ones. You can now live life expecting change, which means you’ll experience less shock and despair in the future.
You’ll not only learn to survive the winds of change, you’ll be able to successfully navigate your sailboat for the rest of your life.
Also, you’ll set healthier expectations. Things don’t necessarily happen the way you want them to. The more you want things to go a certain way in a relationship, the more disappointment you’ll face if you don’t get it.
In terms of my own experience, I didn’t reach the point of “no expectations,” but now I’m more realistic about what can happen: the good, the bad and the unpredictable. All circumstances are possible.
3. People might break your trust and it has nothing to do with you.
“How could he?” or “How dare he?”
You immediately think that when someone does something hurtful or harmful, he or she has it out for you.
Maybe. Or maybe not.
Others are going through their own journeys in life. They are at different places than your own. They change. They have different perspectives. They are on their own paths toward healing and growth.
Theirs just might not coincide with yours.
They’re human. They might have made mistakes.
They might not have known what they were doing.
They might not realize until later what a good thing they had going.
The point is, the way they hurt you or broke your heart may have nothing to do with you. It’s very likely that it has to do with them. In this case, “it really isn’t you, it’s me.”
If you don’t feel as though your ex was intentionally sabotaging you, you’re less likely to take everything he or she did as a vendetta against you. You’re less likely to feel the sting of your ex’s wrongdoing. Less likely to see yourself as a victim.
4. Learn to trust yourself. Listen to your intuition.
You’ve been learning about trust from your partner, but how about learning to trust yourself?
Go with your gut feelings and be more open to your internal voice. That’s your intuition speaking, but we hardly pay it any attention.
The more in tune you are with your intuition and your inner voice, the smarter decisions you’ll make about people. And the smarter you’ll get about trusting others.
Create more silence or complete a mindfulness practice to tap into your intuition. When you have too much internal noise, you’ll have a hard time tuning in and listening to your deepest, most sacred voice.
5. Know that heartbreak breaks you open to trust more genuinely.
You’re probably thinking that your separation or divorce is the hardest thing that has happened to you—and you’re probably right.
The pain and suffering that comes with heartbreak and divorce is brutal, but it is life changing as well.
When you’re broken open, you’re ready for your life’s greatest breakthrough.
Through the pain, suffering and broken dreams, you’ll find yourself. The masks that we all wear, as well as all the other BS, drop away so that we see ourselves as we really are.
From this more authentic place, you’re able to see the superficiality around you and the games people play.
When you’re coming from a place of authenticity and truth, you can connect more freely with others and have a better sense of whom to trust.
6. Think of people you trust and how you have many trustworthy people in your life.
Sometimes our recent experiences cultivate false beliefs.
You might think that just because your relationship ended, everyone else will try to end their relationship with you.
Or you might believe that everyone is a heartbreaker. Or that trusting others is simply setting yourself up for failure and disappointment.
But for every false belief you have, you likely can look around and find contrary beliefs and examples.
If you look around in your life, you likely have a group of trustworthy and supportive people surrounding you.
And if you look at your past relationships and experiences, you’re likely to think of many trustworthy people who have crossed your path in life. Don’t permit one life event to color your view of the world.
Leave disempowering beliefs behind. Know that there are trustworthy people out there and keep those people close to you to remind yourself that a trusting relationship is possible.
7. Your past experiences don’t have to repeat.
Just because you experienced and ended your last relationship with pain doesn’t mean you’ll see more of that in the future.
You’re smarter now, you’re wiser now and you’ve at least learned what kinds of people not to trust.
You’re more familiar with untrustworthy behavior and know the kinds of people who will let you down.
When you have more insight about yourself and other people, you make smarter decisions about trust.
8. Take small steps of courage to open up to trust again.
If you’re ready to trust again, start by forgiving the people who hurt you. Release them from your life by forgiving them, no matter how badly they let you down or broke your heart.
Start trusting people by their actions and not by their words.
See how people respond to small commitments.
Does he say what he’s going to do? Show up when he says he will?
Does he keep his promises to you?
Does he flake on dinner with a last-minute text? Does he disappear to the bathroom when the check shows after dinner?
Pay attention to red flags.
Build relationships over time and see if the person you’re dating keeps up with small commitments. Don’t jump in like you did the first time.
Send the charmers, the smooth talkers, the big promisers and the showmen on their way.
9. You’re now able to make room for a more trustworthy relationship.
Now that you’re divorced, you’re single again and have more time and space to invite a new relationship into your life.
You can evaluate each person whom you invite into your life, testing his or her trustworthiness. You can be more selective.
You can better listen to yourself. You’re more knowledgeable about what to look for. You’re a survivor of relationships that lacked trust.
You’re ready for a person who’s going to commit, a person who’s going to stay. You’re ready for the one.
“Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness,” Eckhart Tolle has said. “How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you’re having at the moment.”
Your journey has brought you to this place today, where you’re more ready than ever for a happy and healthy relationship.
If you enjoyed this post, please share it with your friends via Facebook, Twitter or Google+ Thank you for sharing. *Photo credit amrufm
“To live in the hearts of those we love is not to die.”—Carrie Bradshaw
A friend found true love at a shopping mall.
It was love at first sight.
The man who is now her husband felt an instant connection with her as soon as she walked in.
They met up later that evening. She never thought their relationship would work, but as time went on, she found that they had strong feelings for each other. They were ready to put their best into the relationship, without unrealistic expectations of each other. They trusted that love would sustain them, and it did.
True love—does it exist? I have heard from quite a few people who insist that there is nothing like it.
Love is seen as a deep feeling. It has no particular definition. Love can appear in different ways to different people, and each person experiences love differently. Sometimes you just can’t explain those feelings.
How the feelings came, you just can’t tell. I know you’re saying to yourself, “Love is pain.” Yes, love can be felt with pain because of the bad experiences that people go through with it. These bad experiences can result from being with the wrong partner, being with a partner who strays from the relationship, or being with a partner who is not able to commit.
True love isn’t just about moonlight and candlelight, but about a strong desire to commit.
Perfect relationships don’t exist. You might see couples on the street or at the mall, all “loved up,” kissing, hugging, and you envy them. You start imagining how horrible your own relationship is. However, chances are that these “lovey-dovey” couples have their own ups and downs.
What you see is only what they choose to show you—their “highlight reel.”
Love on its own doesn’t have to hurt. It’s a beautiful feeling.
Good relationships don’t just happen; they require time, patience, and two people who truly want to work together to create something meaningful.
Love might not survive on its own if it’s not constantly worked on.
All too often, I’ll hear people say, “I just found my soul mate. I feel lucky.” Simply finding your soul mate isn’t some type of magic trick that leads to lifelong love. You must take complete responsibility for a relationship to make it last.
How do you know it’s true love that you feel?
Here are some of signs indicating that you’re truly in love with your partner:
You have a strong longing for each other. Sometimes you feel like you don’t want to hang out with your friends, but with only your partner. I had a friend who turned down my offer to go to the movies because she felt more happy being with her boyfriend. It’s a good sign, but be careful that, in doing this, you don’t push away friends who care about you.
Your partner becomes an important part of your life. You are able to sacrifice things for him or her. You put his or her first on your schedule. It’s no longer all about you.
You are always up and doing. You become available for him or her, whenever he or she needs you. You’re always willing to be there for him or her because you care.
You become genuinely interested in whatever makes him or her happy. You wish to know about his or her past, and his or her favorite movies and shows. He or she lives in your heart.
You wish to be connected to his or her friends and family, even to the point of joining them for an all-night dinner or attending events with them. You also let your close friends know about him or her.
You become comfortable around him or her. You’re able to be yourself and do anything in his or her presence without worrying about being condemned or judged.
How to make true love last?
1. Relationships take a lot of compromise and giving. They don’t involve loving someone simply because you want to gain something from him or her. Seek to give more than you can take; love because you can.
2. Love is caring for your partner physically and emotionally. Love also means feeling empathy, meeting each other’s needs, and supporting your partner when he or she needs you.
3. Love means maintaining your identity even while caring for another person or being emotionally interdependent.
4. Couples who maintain the same belief systems have the ability to build stronger relationships.
There’s no secret formula for true love. It thrives when partners commit to each other with love and respect.
True love is satisfying: an endless space that makes you feel full.
True love happens accidentally, in a heartbeat, in a single flashing, throbbing moment.
Uju Morah is a passionate blogger and a love coach who loves her work. She is currently into voluntary services in yoga training and writes at www.tinyphoenixx.blogspot.com *Photo credit pedrosimoes7
“Love will immediately enter into any mind that truly wants it.” Course in Miracles
Have you found love to be difficult, challenging, confusing, or painful?
Do you wonder why love isn’t appearing in your life? Why does love seem to have bloomed in everyone else’s life, but not in yours?
Here’s the thing—you might be thinking that love is independent of everything else that’s going on in your life. You can be the way you are and live your life with ego, fear, and lack, but still expect that love will show up.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. Until you deal with some of your internal blocks, fears, and judgments, love will seem far away and hidden.
How you view the world, how you view each person, and how you treat others in all your relationships determine the ways in which love shows up in your life. Your internal judgment, ego, and unkind behavior, even if held only in your mind and heart, affect your relationships.
More than likely, you need a radical shift in your perspective, behavior, and mindset to create a space of love.
If you’ve been thinking, ‘I need more than love; hell, I need a miracle to find the man of my dreams,’ you’re in luck.(It just may take a bit of work.)
Create miracles in your love life.
Gabrielle (Gabby) Bernstein’s book, May Cause Miracles, could be the heart opener for which you’re looking. It was for me.
Do you need a love miracle?
It helped me realize that love is not something for which you go outside looking. Love is something that you first must cultivate inside yourself.
Let me explain.
The book helped me see that many of my thoughts about love and relationships were steeped in my own ego, fears, judgments, and resentments. My internal world, mindset, and self-talk literally created my external relationships and determined the people whom I drew into my life.
Gabby reminded me of the Course in Miracle’s powerful teaching: “Your task is not to seek love but merely to find all the barriers within yourself that have built against it.”
Her book is filled with affirmations, meditations, and tools for shifting your mindset and altering your perspective on love altogether.
She teaches us to consider love holistically. In any situation, the only thing missing is love. When there is fear, there is no love. She considers miracles simply shifts in perspective from fear to love.
When you continually shift from fear to love, you will experience more love in your life in all your relationships—including romantic love.
Are you ready for a miracle-minded approach to love?
Gabby’s book is a 40-day guide for subtle shifts that let you see everyday miracles in your life. Following, I review the six days in week 4 during which she talks about relationships.
Here are six ways to shift your mindset to love so that you’ll see more miracles in your love life.
(For the exercises and daily practices required to live a miraculous life, pick up May Cause Miracles (not an affiliate link), and check out the end of each chapter.)
1. Witness your ego’s drama.
Gabby states that it’s the ego that convinces us that we’re alone, and that encourages us to complete ourselves by finding someone else. Our egos are the reason that we go out looking for a romantic relationship to feel whole.
The ego consumes our lives and, especially in romantic relationships, judges, attacks, compares, and makes our significant others feel more special. Our egos encourage us to feel different and special, and to elevate ourselves in our romantic relationships as well.
Gabby suggests that we become more mindful of our egos in all relationships. Start by witnessing your ego’s false perception of others.
Ask yourself who you judge and attack in your mind. Who do you elevate and make more special? How do you make yourself feel more special? To whom do you compare yourself?
2. Surrender your ego.
It’s very difficult to overcome the ego, which is so pervasive in our lives. Gabby encourages us to surrender—to release ourselves from our egos’ grip by releasing our egos to our inner guides (our voices of love, our internal teachers).
Release your ego for healing to your spirit and inner guide. Go within yourself and choose to see everyone as equal. See everyone as love. Ask the inner guide to teach you love through every encounter you have (not just with your romantic partner).
When you find yourself comparing or judging others, surrender and respond by saying out loud, “I am willing to see love instead of this.”
When you want to make someone feel special or put yourself on a pedestal, say out loud, “I am willing to see love instead of this.”
Surrender to your inner guide to heal your ego and to see the oneness in everyone.
3. Use kindness when the ego runs wild.
Use the tool of kindness to remind yourself that you come from a loving, kind place and that thoughts of kindness will help you remember your truth.
On Day 24, Gabby suggests making kindness your primary goal and to allow genuine altruism and authentic love.
Whenever you judge, feel separation from others, or start attacking others in your mind, use an affirmation like “Kindness created me kind,” or something similar.
Look at your thoughts and actions—are they unkind? Become aware of unkind thoughts. Reflect on how they make you feel, and forgive yourself for your unkind behavior.
“By continuously acknowledging your ego’s behavior, you will weaken the bad habit and transcend the ego’s need to judge,” writes Gabby.
Continue to infuse your day with kind affirmations and intentions so that you are more kind to people.
4. Be aware of your thoughts and judgments of others.
When you judge or attack someone in your mind, you likely do so because you feel a place of lack. Your judgment of others can mirror what you feel about yourself.
“When we send love toward what we want, we feel better about ourselves and thereby experience more love in our own life,” Gabby writes.
Start looking at all your relationships as assignments—opportunities for spiritual growth.
Infuse with loving thoughts all your encounters with people whom you meet each day. Be grateful for the lessons and the growth that different people teach you.
Remember that each person you come across gives you the opportunity to strengthen your miracle mindset through the choice to embrace love over fear.
5. Be happy or be right? The F word.
While the ego refuses to forgive, you can use the F word (forgiveness) to restore your faith in love. “Forgiveness is the answer to true serenity and peace,” writes Gabby.
If you’d rather be happy than be right all the time—forgive. Forgiveness lets you wipe clean the slate and begin anew. It embraces oneness and love in all your relationships.
Consider repeating this affirmation from May Cause Miracles daily:
“With each holy encounter, I choose to forgive and release my ego’s false projections. Forgiveness reminds me that we are one. Each time I have a false thought toward someone, I will choose to forgive the thought and remember that we are one. In turn, I forgive myself.”
Every time your ego is bruised or your mind attacks or judges someone, fall back to peace by forgiving. Chose peace and happiness over your ego (and being right).
6. Honor the moments when you chose love.
As you expand your loving intention toward everyone, spread kindness to others, and forgive others throughout the day, you’ll feel a sense of peace passing over you.
Honor the moments when you’re transforming and growing.
Continue to see love in your most difficult relationships. Find peace and healing in every relationship and encounter that you have. Chose the difficult path of letting go, overcoming, and forgiving. Transcend your fear through your faith in miracles.
Think of every moment that you chose love as a holy moment—a divine encounter. Sit with these moments and let them help you become a more loving person.
In your meditations and prayers, ask that others in your life be guided, protected, and healed from fear. Desire that others have the same happiness and oneness that you have in your life.
Gabby’s book and message are reminders that you can’t simply focus on one special or romantic relationship. Everything in the universe is tied together. How you show up for your neighbor or a total stranger is how love will show up in your life.
If you’re not seeing love and you don’t know why, could it be because you’re not showing up in your most loving, kind, and non-judgmental self each day?
If you’re operating from a place of ego, fear, and lack, you’ll see that in your romance.
Alternatively, if you show up with kindness, love, and abundance, you’ll find that in your relationships, too.
The work to be done is within you. Make the necessary changes to become the loving person whom you’re capable of being. Return to your truth.
You’ll not only start seeing improved relationships, you’ll also miraculously stumble upon the romantic love and partner for whom you’ve been looking.
If you know someone who is looking for love in his or her life, please consider sharing this post via Twitter, Google+, or Facebook. Thank you.
This post is dedicated to all the Indian kids out there who are being raised by over-bearing and abusive parents. (I write this for you with love and understanding, compassion and hope for healing)
Yes, those of you who suffering in the care and control of their parents. (And even adults who survived a detrimental childhood)
No, you’re not being beaten (some of you are) or starved (some of you are) or locked up in solitary confinement (some of you are), but you are being emotionally beaten down every single day of your life.
You’re called names (including animals like “donkey” or “cow” and other animals found in Southeast Asia) and often the worst insults imaginable.
You’re told that you shouldn’t have been born or that it would be better if you were dead.
You’re told that you are the result of bad karma from a past life.
You’re told that it was your parents’ ill fate to have given birth to you. You are their life’s biggest mistake. You’re unworthy, incompetent, useless and dumb. There’s something wrong with your mind, weight, height, or even skin color!!
You’re not good, not good enough and something is inherently wrong with you as a person.
Yelled at, screamed at, compared to others, verbally assaulted, bullied, threatened to be sent back to India, threatened to be sent to live with relatives.
Told you’re not loved, not wanted, not worthy and that you do not make your parents proud.
You’re compared to your friends, compared to your family members and compared to random Indian kids who win spelling bees, receive Harvard acceptance letters or get nominated to a federal judgeship.
If you think I’m reading your mind and your life, I’m not. I had a very similar experience growing up in this kind of environment.
Although different today, the impact of my childhood has been scarring.
And it’s not just Indian people! Many Asian cultures have seen this type of abusive parenting. You may be in Nepal, Bangladesh, Pakistan, Indonesia, Singapore, Vietnam, Thailand, Korea, Cambodia or Laos. You could be in Saudi, Egypt, Iran, Iraq or Turkey. Or hey, you might even live in the States or Britain, but still have experienced this kind of parenting style.
Whatever it is, I’m here to offer some thoughts to help you heal, survive and live with your parents for the few more years you have left under their care. Or even help you cope with them in your adult years.
I’m not only going to explain why our parents are so unconscious, but what we can do about it. How do we cope? Or tolerate the abuse? How do we move forward? For more information, check out out my book on this topic:
I do know plenty of emotionally healthy, loving and supportive Indian parents, so let me not throw all of them under the bus.
One way to understand why some parents are so Mao Zedong-like in their child-rearing behaviors is to understand what made them this way.
Only once you know some of the reasons for your parents’ insanity can you begin the process of understanding, coping with, healing from and surviving their dominion.
A place of scarcity. Your parents came from difficult conditions filled with struggle and often did not have enough growing up. They want more now because of their struggle, poverty or difficult circumstances growing up.
Insanity of their own parents. More than likely they are products of their own parents, who were oppressive, coercive, and ruled with an iron fist. They herded their children like cows and instilled fear in them like a deadly cobra.
Insecurity and fear. They are unsure of themselves, so they worry about you. They are afraid of the world and thus, worry about you. They hate conflict, change and instability. They do everything they can to limit the number of changes they have to face. They don’t like anyone rocking the boat, and you seem to have a penchant for doing just that.
Competition mindset. Because of this culture of scarcity, they are in a constant state of competition. They compete with others in their community, others who speak the same language, and even with their children. You’re in a competition with all the other Indian kids they know – they’re regularly comparing and measuring you up against someone else.
Protecting the family name. Indian parents care a bit too much about something. It’s a disease, really, a disease with no cure. They care how they are seen by the people they know: their reputation. They are sure as hell not going to let you ruin that.
Protecting traditions, and you’d better get married to a boy from the community! You’re not going to screw up hundreds of years of tradition. Your great-great-grandfather was a maharaja of the Mughal empire, a priest for the wealthiest merchants or advocates in the highest British courts. Each generation married spouses within their own caste, and you have no right to mess with these traditions.
Your parents are the gatekeepers and prison guards of tradition – you will be protected and safeguarded until, and only until, you’re wedded off to a suitable boy with great character (or more likely, a nerdy doctor with generations of family wealth living in America).
Bollywood movies. The insanity of cinema makes your parents act irrationally, illogically and overly-sentimental. Our parents have gotten so hooked on fictional movies and Bollywood masala that they play out the feelings and sentiments of those movies in real life.
(You never know – it could be the reverse. The silver screen might just be copying the real-life emotional dramas of a typical Indian family).
“We own you” mindset. Indian parents don’t think of themselves as your caretaker. They were brought up to believe that they own you. Your success is their success. Your achievement is their achievement. Your failure is theirs. Your income is theirs. So is your house.
Guilt. Indian parents operate on large sums of guilt, a gift from their own parents. They constantly feel like they’re not enough, not doing enough and haven’t given enough to their children. They feel guilty towards their extended families, guilty towards their parents, guilty with themselves.
“We want you to do better than us.” Many parents want their children to do better than they did. They made a decent life for themselves in a new country (or even in the old country) with struggle and hard work while supporting you and your siblings. The minimum they want is your success. Your success would have made all the struggles worth it, in their minds.
Our old age depends on your success. They are constantly living their lives close to death. They’re wondering who’s going to be there for them when they are old and sick. It consumes their minds – they need you to be stable and successful so they can live with you and inconvenience you to take them to medical appointments.
Pride. Pride is mixed in with ego. Like I said, your success is their success. You are literally their pride, joy and life. Your parents love to brag and show you off – nothing more than bragging and showing off a product they created. Your success makes them feel on top of the world. Your failures make them feel like failures. You are very VERY personal to them.
They way they see it, you are them!
How to deal with abusive tiger parents?
So, now that you know some of the reasons they are who they are, what can be done about it?
Tiger parents, who happen to be strict disciplinarians and emotionally abusive, are difficult to stop.
All the power is with them. If you’re under 18, they are providing your food and shelter. They practice verbal abuse, emotional abuse and emotional blackmail.
For everything you say or do, they have a cruel and hostile response.
They are determined to control your life and ensure you conform to their every expectation.
Here are 18 tips to help you deal with your abusive parents.
Not all this advice will apply to every situation, but you’ll have to use the tips that you believe can best help you cope.
1. Expressing yourself. Although this is a very difficult thing to do, you can express how you feel to your parents.
Take out your own anger and frustration when you talk to them. Try to have an objective discussion in a conversational tone where you express to them how their actions are hurting you.
Try to write down how you’re feeling and give it to them in a letter.
Get another adult, neighbor or elder family member involved and express to them how you’re being treated at home. Do this at your own risk, since outing your parents publicly and giving light to their abuse will make them go berserk. Prepare for irrational and furious responses most of the time.
Caveat – no need to express yourself regarding topics that infuriate or make them angry. Don’t talk to your parents to provoke a fight with them – some topics are better left untouched.
Avoid harsh words, accusations and abuse by choosing to stay quiet on unimportant and trivial matters. Avoid arguments you know you can’t win or conversations that will end in a blow up.
2. Know you’re not alone. Many others, including myself, have survived our parents’ child-rearing. When you make it out of childhood and young adulthood alive, you can reflect more clearly on the experience of having lived with your parents.
You’ll realize that they didn’t know any better and didn’t understand what they were doing.
You are not the first or last person to experience these kinds of difficulties at home.
Many people have experienced this type of abuse, figured out a way to make peace with it and used this difficult part of their lives to accomplish good things. I’ve written an entire book on how to make peace with this kind of abuse which you can pick up here. The pain can be used for good later in your life. It can give you coping skills and strength for other difficult situations.
It’s a lesson in adversity.
You are walking a path that many have walked before you – you’re not alone. We’ve survived it, and you can too.
3. Find someone who understands. There’s nothing wrong with you.
You’re not inadequate, dumb or incompetent.
You’re the child of abusive parents, that’s it. Parents who don’t know any better.
To help remind you that you’re not defective or deficient in any way, share your experiences with someone who understands. A good friend to talk things over, a sibling who can empathize, or a family member you trust are all good people to confide in.
If you have the means, and especially if you’re an adult, consider counseling. In the U.S., this is not very taboo, but it does seem to be in other parts of the world.
Get hold of a counselor to support you or a professional to help you be emotionally resilient, find healthy ways to deal with your parent’s behavior, and try to reduce the detrimental impact of your parents on your emotional and mental life.
4. Boost your personal development, character and behavior.
While you can’t change your parents, their attitude or behavior, you have a priceless opportunity to work on yourself.
I know I know – they are the problem and are the source of the greatest pain in your life.
But Viktor Frankl reminds us that, “when we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
In the depths of your frustration and helplessness, all you can do is try to find ways to make self improvements and become a better person yourself.
While your parents are angry and abusive, you can learn how to release the anger in your life and treat others better.
While they view you with scorn, you can to find compassion within yourself.
While they are disrespectful and crude, you can be loving and forgiving.
You can intentionally and purposefully start changing your behavior, attitude and reaction to your parents’ wild ways.
Surround yourself with positive people, books and messages. Even blogs and inspiring Ted talks online. While your parents may be poisoning your ears with insults and throwing darts at your soul, choose to combat their impact by proactively spending time around positive people and messages.
Inspirational messages by inspirational and resilient people can help you stay in good spirits.
Use the internet and books to mold yourself into a new person. Work on your personal growth and character in the face of the storm.
5. Live in the present moment. Yes, they hurt you yesterday and the day before that and many many other days. But look at the moment that you have now and try to live for that moment. When you’re not feeling their wrath or their putdowns, they are not hurting you in that moment. Embrace that moment.
Try to not let the past hurts and pain have a snowball effect on you, creating something you have to deal with every day.
Take it day by day and moment by moment. Don’t let the past repeat in your mind after it’s gone.
6. Change your internal game. You can’t control your parents, what they say or what they do, but you can control what you’re feeling and thinking on the inside. You’ll have to take everything they say and do and reframe their words, intentions and actions.
What they are saying is not what they really mean.
They want to say they love you and support you, but don’t know how to voice that. They would if they were programmed differently.
You have to fill in a lot of the blanks for yourself. You have to feel those things that your parents are not showing, fill in the blanks for the words they don’t say and the actions they don’t take.
For every damaging comment and insult they hurl, you can try to give yourself a different meaning of it or change the context for yourself. Try to be understanding and empathetic of their behavior, as challenging as it may be. They are challenging you to be your highest and most spiritual self.
It’s not entirely their fault – they are the product of their parents, culture and Indian mindset.
7. Journaling. Finding ways to express your feelings is a helpful way to deal with the rejection, pain and hurt that your parents are causing you.
While you may not have access to a professional therapist while you’re still living under their roof, find ways to write out your frustration, anger and pain.
You can use a journal to try to listen and write down what they’ve said, why it’s not true and what your feelings are about the nature of the critical remarks. Counter their remarks with your version of the truth. Counter their abusive words with positive ones.
8. Know your time is limited. You only have so much time left with your parents. Know that you won’t spend an entire lifetime with them, but only a few short years before you get out of their domain.
This is similar to surviving torture or any unpleasant situation. Find ways to cope and wait it out. The parents who rule your life now will not do so forever.
9. Practice self-love. I have an entire eBook on this, but acknowledge that your feelings will be hurt, your confidence affected and your self-esteem ruined by living with your parents. How do you love yourself while you are surrounded by negativity?
Spend the time that you have working on accepting, loving and being compassionate with yourself. If you aren’t feeling the love and emotional support at home, you’ll have to find ways to cultivate your love for yourself from within.
10. Take the high road. Be willing to forgive, understand and love your parents, knowing that they really have no idea what they’re doing. As I’ve explained above, you know why they’re acting the way they are.
Really, they just want the best for you. It may be for all the wrong reasons, but they want you to live up to your potential. Having parents that are missing from your life or don’t care about you could be worse.
They yell, scream and criticize as a strange and unusual way of showing you love. They believe that you’ll thank them one day for the discipline and encouragement they’ve given you, not realizing how much damage they are causing you.
Chose to act from a place of wisdom and let go of their trespasses on your life.
11. Forgiveness. Knowing some of the reasons that your parents are they way they are, you have to start with forgiveness. As difficult as it might be, you have to forgive for one major reason. Your parents are already hurting you by attacking you and making you feel bad. You are only adding insult to injury by allowing them to hurt you even more when you confront them with anger.
Forgive. Not for their sake, but for your own.
The quicker you forgive, the quicker you’ll be releasing any resentment and pent up anger you’ve built up. Forgiveness is the key to your peace.
12. Take on the challenge. If your parents are overly critical about a certain area of your life like school or grades or your health, challenge yourself to improve in that area of your life.
Show them that you can do better – turn it up a notch just so they’ll leave you alone. And hey, when you’re the CEO of Microsoft, you just might thank them for the discipline and abuse!
13. Ignore and retreat. Let the harmful words your parents are spewing out go in through one ear and out the other.
Realize that the negativity and criticism are your parents’ issue, not yours. Try to not take anything they say personally. If you do take it personally, refute each putdown and critical comment with a positive one. Come up with reasons and logic that are contrary to what they’re telling you.
Try to reduce the amount of face time you have with your parents. If you have projects and homework, work on them in a locked room. Spend time at friends’ houses and volunteer to do things that will take you anywhere out of the house.
Look out for what you say and do that sets your parents off. Are you provoking them in some way? Is there one part of your life that makes them angrier than others? Do you say things that infuriate them? Be aware of what the big blow ups in your life are about and try to take precautions to avoid certain topics or behaviors with your parents. .
14. Cultivate spiritual practices. They can say things to you, harm you emotionally or try to hurt you in other ways (in hopes of motivating you to do what they want). What they can’t do is disturb your inner calm.
Seek out spiritual practices like meditation, yoga, and mindfulness practices to be in tune with yourself. Go deep within and release the pain that you’re confronting. Transform the tears and pain into love and healing.
The words may reach your ears, but refuse to let them destroy your spirit.
You can try to embrace the pain and suffering caused by your parents. Feel it, hold it, and let the negativity bathe over you. By being present with the pain and mindful of the caustic words they use, you’ll be able to let go of the sting of their behavior.
15. Learn the lessons. What could this possibly be teaching you in life?
Is there any merit to what your parents are saying to you? Definitely not!
Is there any underlying value to living with caustic and bitter people? Maybe?
Are you learning how to deal with difficult, rude and belligerent individuals? Absolutely!
Ask yourself if your parents are your greatest lesson and try to determine what lessons you can learn from their words and behavior. What can you learn from their unconsciousness?
Will you treat others differently? Will you be a much different kind of parent?
16. Be thankful. While you may absolutely despise them for their cruelty, there are things in the past and present that you should be extremely grateful for.
Your parents have made sacrifices, worked hard and put food on the table for you.
They may have done touching, considerate and even kind things for you.
They may have taken care of you in illness, treated you to a special birthday, celebrated you in some way, spoken well of you to friends and family.
When you chose to focus on the smallest amount of gratitude towards your parents, you will lift the weight of all the negativity and hurt that your parents are causing you. A little gratitude just might help you seem them in a more positive light.
17. Try kindness. Your parents may appear to be irrational, insensitive and callous people.
Challenge them and fight them, and they will continue to make your life even more hellish.
Trying to appease them, love them and be kind to them might, just might, get them to stop, or at least take it easier on you.
18. Use your imagination. This last tip could be Walt Disney-like, but it could help and just might save the day.
How is your imagination? If you’re creative or have a lively imagination, use it to your advantage. Imagine you’re not living at home and experiencing the daily berating and spouts of anger.
Use your imagination as an escape. Imagine you’re a pirate traveling the world, Huckleberry Finn on an adventure, or riding Aladdin’s magic carpets.
Allow yourself to escape the mental and emotional torture by visualizing being in an entirely different place. A voracious reading habit can also help you take your mind to a more peaceful and happy place.
Family dynamics are a difficult thing. When we interact and are with those closest to us, we experience many emotional wounds and pain.
To cope, try some of the strategies above. Remember at the end of the day that regardless of who does what to you, you ultimately have the power to decide how you’re going to react.
You can set aside the pain, anger and self-loathing to choose forgiveness and love.
Your parents may have trouble expressing their love for you, but you have the ability to practice empathy and understanding and reciprocate with kindness.
You can choose the high road, embrace the lessons from this relationship and prepare for better days ahead, because it will get better.
I want you to know that healing is possible and you can overcome the scars left by your parents. You can read more in this book I wrote for you here:
I help people overcome their devastating breakups and divorces and find love again. Instead of visiting the Himalayas, sign up below and join me. I am taking a writing break but will be back soon.
This guide is free. A ticket to the Himalayas is $2000. Your move.
