“Ego says, once everything falls into place, I will find my peace. Spirit says, once I find my peace, everything will fall into place.” ~Marianne Williamson
I fell in love with my best friend last year.
I spent the next 8 months trying to convince him to love me as completely and intensely as I loved him.
I put everything I wanted on the sidelines and was there for him every moment, any time of the day, ditching friends, parties and whatever else may have come along in my life.
All of these things were attempts to insinuate to him that there was no other option than for him to fall madly in love with me.
How could he have not known my desire for him to love and care for me as I did for him?
We were together 24/7, we called each other at the same time, we had this uncanny way of knowing what the other was thinking, we cared about each other a lot, and most of all, my heart was on my sleeve whenever I saw him.
One day, out of the blue, he told me that he had gotten back together with his ex-girlfriend.
Within two short and painful weeks, they had moved back in together, and have recently been talking about marriage.
That’s when it all changed.
This time. I decided it would be the last time: the last time I insert myself into an unhealthy relationship.
This time, things will be different. This time I will not get hurt.
How many times have I said that to myself? Too many to keep track. But this time…this time is different.
Why? Because the best part about this time is that it isn’t about how other people affect me, it’s about me.
This time it is about my friendships, my relationships, my family and my interactions with each of those people.
For the first time, I have taken a holistic approach to healing, incorporating meditation, yoga, the outdoors and journaling, and this time, I think it just may have worked.
Here are 5 life-changing lessons I’ve learned from heartbreak.
1. Find fulfillment and meaning within yourself, not in others.
Often, when you love someone, you put your own needs aside in hopes that making the other person happy will somehow fulfill your own need to be happy.
When they’re happy, you’re happy, so that means you’re happy, right?
That may work for a while, until they’re not in your life anymore.
Then you wake up in the morning, without that person in your life, and you realize that you have no idea what you want to do, where you want to go, or with whom you want to do it, because you now realize that most of your time has been invested in the other person’s wants and needs and in making them happy.
Taking time to check in with your heart and to feel and do what makes you happy is so important.
Because when they are no longer there, you are left empty, and that emptiness cannot be filled with anyone or anything (I’ve tried!).
2. You are responsible for your own emotions.
No one can make you feel anything.
Learn to take responsibility for your own emotions, and allow your friends, family and partner to feel and be responsible for theirs.
You and only you can allow yourself to feel sorrow, hurt, love, or whatever emotion based on your own past experiences.
When you start blaming others for how you are feeling, you get into a real mess.
You may even feel resentful that they’ve moved on, and you are stuck trying to survive the emotional craziness of a break up. How dare they!
You are ultimately responsible for your own happiness, your own sadness, and your ability to heal. And that is an EMPOWERING thought.
3. You have a choice.
“The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.” Alice Walker
You can feel however you want. The key to your joy and peace of mind is in your own hands.
Once you’ve realized that happiness begins with you, you get to choose to be happy, and to learn from every emotion you feel.
Isn’t it interesting that when you choose to be happy, others around you also seem happy?
When you no longer blame others for the situation you are in, there is nowhere else to look but inside.
4. Make yourself a priority.
You have to learn to be selfish.
You have to say “no” to friends and “no” to situations that no longer serve you.
You have to look inside yourself to see what you want, which isn’t always easy, but you’ll find the pay-off to be amazing.
Through selfishness, you will be able to reach more people than ever before.
You will feel emotions more deeply than you have in years, have stronger connections with the people around you, and make new friends who support your journey.
The universe opens up when we listen to our hearts.
5. Learn from your mistakes and be more conscious in your relationships.
You don’t have to say, “why me?” or feel crushed by your break up, separation or divorce.
Each relationship is an opportunity to grow.
Despite the pain, tears and heartbreak, your romantic partner is there to be of service to your life.
They will teach you to love more, forgive more, and let go of your ego more readily.
Once you realize the mistakes you’ve made, you have the choice to not make them again.
You also have the choice to be more responsible for your life, gain more control over your emotions and to choose yourself a little more with each passing relationship.
These are some of the lessons I’ve learned from my last relationship that have helped me become a better and more centered person.
As your heart heals during your journey back to wholeness, you too will have another opportunity to start living a healthier and more heart-centered life.
This time, you’ll have the benefit of these additional insights about yourself to do even better when love comes into your life again.
Do any of these lessons resonate with you? What lessons have you learned from love and heartbreak?
Melanie is an international teacher, traveler and blogger. You can keep up with her journey in China through her blog here: http://jinhua2012.blogspot.com Photo Credit: wwwchun
* Does True Love Exist? Pick up my book at the Amazon store here.
Is there such a things as true love?
When will true love strike?
What can I do so I don’t spend my life alone?
These are some of the many questions people write to me about after reading my blog.
While I’ve experienced painful love and broken love, I can tell you that true love is possible.
I want to assure you that you can find true love but true love isn’t what you see in the movies and love songs. True love is an art and a practice.
You can find true love but you have to practice it consciously and with care.
Here’s a practical no-nonsense guide to finding true love:
(Pick up Does True Love Exist (affiliate link) at the Amazon store here)
1) The healthy perspective on true love
True love isn’t the way you think about it.
In the book, Marry Him; The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, author Lori Gottlieb cites biological anthropologist Helen Fisher’s studies on the physiology of romantic love.
“She found that when you feel that strong chemistry with someone, the brain system that becomes activated is the reward system, which is what also lights up when you reach for a piece of chocolate or cigarette or an amphetamine.” Gottlieb writes.
Fisher’s research shows with all the dopamine floating around, it’s hard to realize that you’re simply experiencing a chemical state which can last anywhere from 18 months to 3 years.
“Fisher isn’t saying that chemistry isn’t important. It’s just that it helps to know that it might take time to develop.” Gottlieb writes.
To start looking for true love, know that you might be looking for compatibility – someone who you can grow with, a partner and a friend.
If you change your mindset about love, you’ll quickly let go of tingling love notions, passionate romances and breath-taking chance meetings.
While chemistry will cause your heart to flutter, compatibility will make for a meaningful lifetime relationship.
2) The more values you have in common, the more compatible you will be.
I wanted to carve out this section on mindset to encourage you to be conscious of your mindset. Being more aware of this concept could change your entire approach towards dating and relationships.
Life coach, Tim Brownson, talks a lot about value systems in life. You can use a set of values to determine what makes you happy. Once you are clear on your values, then you can be uber-clear on your priorities.
Not only are values important to your life and your goals, but I’ve now come to believe this values-based approach can apply to every single area of your life, including relationships.
Determine what your core values in life are, ideally your top 3 or 4.
Do you value freedom the most? Do you value family? Independence? Love? Justice? Spirituality? Faith? Freedom? Compassion? Humility? Adventure? Loyalty?
Figure out what values you’re seeking for in a partner.
And I’m not talking about qualities like, “tall, hot and handsome.” Or someone who looks like Matthew McConaughey, Pierce Brosnan or George Clooney.
Or even qualities like, “I’m looking for someone who likes to water paint in the nude, rocks at Bikram yoga or delights in gluten-free restaurants.” While you can consider shared interests and preferences (see my tips below), I’ve become a big proponent of a values-based mindset to finding true love.
And the best part about this is that you get to do this now before going back out into the dating world. Doing this ahead of time and sober, allows you to be more conscious about your priorities, values and ideal life partner.
3) Too good to be true or good enough?
Often, and especially when you’re younger in life, you tend to have improbable expectations and a long list of traits you desire in your partner. But sometimes almost always “good enough” is all you need, which is exactly the journey author Lori Gottlieb had, as she’s written about in, Marry Him; The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough.
Dr. Michael Broder, a psychologist Gotlieb talks to, had this to say: “‘I hear all the time, ‘If I can’t have a guy who is this, that or the other thing, I’d rather be alone,’ he told me. So I say, ‘Okay, but be prepared to get your second choice. Because with that sense of entitlement, that’s what you’ll probably get: being alone’”.
Dr. Broder believes many people bring a sense of entitlement to dating, including the desire to be adored in a ‘fantasy’ way. People seem to be “looking for an idealized spiritual union instead of a realistic marital partnership.”
So, let’s cut out the fantasies, starry-eyed expectations and 200-item checklists and go with a more practical version.
Humans are imperfect, have shortcomings in different areas of their lives and make mistakes. Shocker! If you reduced the expectations, even cutting them down by half or a third, more people would become appealing to you.
4) Sailing to the same destination
In Marry Him, the author relates the advice of matchmaker Lisa Clampitt, who matches people like this: “Number one, I look at whether two people have common relationship goals. Number two, I look at values…”
The notion of a relationship goal in regards to your relationship is important. You have to know for yourself if you want kids, if you plan to stay at home or be the bread-winner.
Having a general idea of your relationship goals will help you find someone who shares those goals with you.
Talking about this in the initial rendezvous can avoid future misunderstandings and conflicts.
5) The person who can truly complete you.
Never go into a relationship needing to feel whole, fulfilled or complete.
If you think that someone else will make you happy, you probably still believe in Santa Claus, the tooth fairy and Cinderella.
If you’re over the age of 8, however, you know you can’t compensate for your happiness with or through someone else.
If you’re feeling needy, broken or incomplete, work on self-love and building up your self-worth. Look for a good therapist first and a good man later.
A partner cannot make you happy, complete you, erase 20 years of trauma, or turn you into Wonder Woman.
You can do that.
Before you go out seeking for someone else to fix or heal you, take on the task yourself: work on loving yourself, start on your path to self-improvement, start a mindfulness practice so you’re more in tune with yourself.
Set out to make changes and transform areas of your life that need work.
No matter how much Enrique Iglesias wants to take your pain away and be your hero, you can’t find salvation in another person.
You have to be the hero of your own life.
6) Wanted: The Real You
If you’re putting on airs about yourself, trying to be someone you’re not and playing the role of a confident, loving and down to earth person when you’re not – stop!
You have to start from where you are.
Don’t get caught up with how other couples you know are doing, compare yourself to your friends vacationing in the Bahamas or dress like you’re a Paris runway model. Unless, of course, you are a Paris runway model.
Allow spiritual practices to get to your core. Move away from materialism, superficiality and frivolous pleasures for more meaning and purpose.
Once you stop living your life like a reality TV star and go within, you’ll come to a better understanding of who you are. Now, make improvements and nurture the real you.
Let go of a lifetime of customization and being shaped by society. Be your own authentic self: the person underneath the baggage who lost their identity over the years.
7) Raise the roof. Ok, how about your vibrations?
To meet a man or woman, you have to be in a good place yourself and align yourself with your higher energy.
Law of attraction sage, Melody Fletcher, discusses going up the vibrational ladder so you’ll be vibrating more positive energy.
When you take the woo woo or mystery out of vibrations, it’s as simple as this: more good things happen in your life when you’re vibrating or exuding more positive energy.
When you’re feeling happy, confident, peaceful and joyful, you’ll attract more such experiences (and people) into your life.
If you’re an angry, maniacal sociopath with vendettas to fulfill, you’re going to attract shady characters with prison records into your life.
Try the various exercises Melody talks about over at Deliberate Receiving by working through emotions and moving towards healthier vibrations. Work through your emotions, change your thoughts, and find techniques to put yourself in an optimal place.
8) Strive to be the person you’d want to date.
This tip is a combination of all the tips here. It sure would be nice to dream up a perfect person with wonderful characteristics who can become your hero and savior.
Once again, this would require you to do no work on your own.
If you’re confident, at ease with yourself, grounded with healthy habits and a balanced emotional human being, then congratulations Kate Middleton, you’re already married to a prince and have given birth to the future King of England.
For the rest of us mortals, we have self-improvement to work on.
If you are seeking someone who is financially stable, work on improving your own financial condition.
If you are seeking a kind-hearted, patient soul who serves the poor, and attends mass regularly, work on your patience and generosity.
Become the person you want to date.
9) If you think you can change another person…
Anyone who’s in a relationship believing they can change the other person is naïve, foolish, or single. Or will soon be!
Simple advice here: know that you cannot change anyone. Even if you’re Gisele, Heidi Klum, Beyonce or Hillary Clinton, you can’t change your man, so don’t even try.
Once you know this, you have two choices: work on yourself or walk out of the relationship. If the person you’re with is worth it but has some less than desirable qualities, try to embrace and accept the person anyway.
Or you can be honest with yourself and walk; skate like Catriona Le May Doan out of the relationship.
You can’t change your man or woman just like you can’t change the weather.
Just like you can’t get the Starbucks barrista to spell your name right on your cup. (Oh wait, is that just me?)
Just like you can’t get your cat to respect you. Or your dog to get off your bed on wintery nights.
Some things in life will never change.
10) Look out for shared interests and background.
Remember in the mindset strategy above, I suggested that finding someone who has your shared values is the most important.
Once you have the most important qualities down, you can also be on the lookout for common interests and qualities. Don’t overdo it, but I think it’s perfectly acceptable to look for someone who also has the same cultural, spiritual or religious background as you.
You’re entitled to find a partner who enjoys listening to Kenney Chesney, vacationing in Yosemite or playing ultimate Frisbee on the weekends.
Your hobbies, sports, music, movie, travel, food and interests are what makes you unique.
Don’t expect or demand your partner love weekend trips to the Bahamas, Broadway plays, church with Michael Beckwith or joining you at your next Oprah book-club event. You can absolutely be compatible with someone who doesn’t, and they certainly can grow to enjoy those activities over time.
11) What you can do alone, do with others.
And no, this point has nothing to do with sexual satisfaction – come on people, we’re having a semi-serious discussion here.
When you’re trying to find that long-term relationship and sick of random-blind date hook-ups and online dating, try to explore your interests and passions in a group setting.
If you’re a runner, join a running club. If you’re a yogini, go to busier yoga classes or do yoga in the public park. Enthusiastically and boldly attend events with other people.
A group scenario will allow you to find others with similar shared interests. Be more enthusiastic to say yes to shared group activities. Look for opportunities to meet more people. True love may be waiting for you at the next gathering you attend.
12) Shorter and more plentiful dates.
Why have long lunches or dinners when a brief coffee will give you all the details you need to make a decision about the person?
Intentionally, set up dates for 30 to 45 minutes and let the other person know ahead of time. You’ve already figured out your values and know what your relationship goals are.
When you’re clear about yourself and the other person, you’ll know very quickly if a person is right for you or not. You don’t need 12 dates or even 2 hours.
By cutting down on the length of time you meet someone, you’ll get good at dating and determining who’s right for you and who isn’t. Here’s 42 questions to help you determine if someone is a potential match.
On the same note, you can also increase the number of people you’re meeting with. It’s a numbers game, folks – the more people you meet, the more likely you are to find true love.
Having said this, do trust your instinct. If you can’t make up your mind after a lunch or a couple dates, give it a chance and keep an open mind.
13) Test their commitment.
Once you think you’ve landed on Mr. Right or Mr. Good Enough, your next step is to see their life situation. Is this person looking for a long term relationship and commitment?
If they’re commitment phobic, throw them into a shark-infested pool and get the heck out.
If they’re finding themselves, you don’t have to play hide and seek with them.
If they’re on a one-way trip to the Himalayas, bid them adieu and tell them to seek extra blessings for you. Tell ‘em to look Vishnu up when they get there 🙂
If someone is not sure of who they are or what they want in life, you sure don’t have time to help them figure it out. You’ve got true love to find, not tango with the lost and the confused.
14) Postpone getting physical.
I don’t think there’s much more to say to this other than don’t get physical! No matter what Olivia Newton-John coons about in her song, “Let’s Get Physical”, don’t get physical!
Turning a relationship into a physical relationship early will hide many of the qualities that really matter to you.
Once your hormones have hijacked your rationality, your heart and your mind are simple prisoners of war. If you want more heartbreak, painful relationships and frustrating flings, get physical. Otherwise, I’m with Steve Harvey’s 90-day rule.
Steve says that you have to wait 90 days before getting into bed together. If it takes 90 days to get the “benefits” at the Ford Motor company, Harvey encourages you to wait 90 days before handing out the “benefits” of a relationship.
Check out the clip below.
15) Meet many new people and be willing to say goodbye to many more.
Be willing to say goodbye to people you’ve gone out with once or twice.
Have the courage to talk about the relationship and its long-term potential.
If you don’t think it’s the right person, relationship or situation for you, be willing to call it quits.
For longer-term relationships that come to an end, go through the grieving process and work through the pain to get back on track. Be grateful that the relationship has ended and move on by realizing that you’ve just completed a full cycle of growing and learning immeasurable life lessons.
Be willing to let go and say goodbye. Only when you take your mental and emotional energy off the previous person, can you move on to find true love.
Choosing the present moment, instead of lingering painfully in the past, is one way to move forward after heartbreak and loss.
As a matchmaker, Lisa Clampitt, points out, “Long-term compatibility is about respect and common values and building something, not about judgment of imperfections.”
That’s it, friends – how to find someone you’re compatible with which can often be more fulfilling and lasting than true love.
My final caveat is simply to take things slow and not rush into anything you’ll regret later. If you think someone is compatible, give it some time to see if the person has long-term potential.
Be conscious of your dating by being aware of some of the true love tips here and allow your intuition to lead the way.
Your turn – does true love exist? What are you going to do to find true love?
“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection”― Siddhārtha Gautama
“I’m a flop.”
“I loathe everything about me.”
“Nobody loves me. I’m not worthy of love.”
Have you experienced similar thoughts where you felt like you weren’t worthy or good enough?
You might have felt some of these emotions when you confronted traumatic life events at work, home or in your relationships.
You may have even had the recurring negative talk and thoughts of inadequacy when growing up.
Especially so if you grew up in a mob or KGB family. Or attended religious boarding schools with disciplinarian teachers!
Confronting my self-worth.
While I didn’t grow up in a mobster family or the KGB, I’ve had my fair share of self-hating reflections about myself.
Growing up, the barrage of critical and negative comments from family takes a toll.
There’s also no experience which tests a person’s self-worth like a divorce.
When someone who you love rejects you, you begin to feel like you’re inadequate and unworthy of love.
Like you’re not fit to be loved.
You’re not whole.
Broken. Damaged.
More than the breakup and separation, it were these reoccurring thoughts which filled my mind and my life. As time passed, my self-pity and sorrow turned more towards reaffirming self-loathing and hatred.
“Why would I want to live with myself when even my former wife didn’t?”.
I questioned and scrutinized myself with these unhealthy thoughts.
Of course, none of these thoughts were an accurate reflection of myself . They may have described how I was feeling in life but they were skewed and far removed from reality.
These were thoughts that I was expressing to myself because of some of the painful circumstances I was experiencing.
You may be going through something similar. Or you may have had emotionally scarring experiences and a rough childhood which created your negative self-image.
Self-loathing isn’t a permanent condition – you have the power to shift your mindset.
Thoughts of self-hatred and loathing can arise from painful life events. Or simply a recurring pattern from growing up in a negative and critical environment.
Such thoughts can come about before you slide into a state of depression. In fact, psychotherapist Drew Coster says “depression often happens when people feel like they’re not good enough, or a failure.”
Regardless of how these thoughts arise in your life, you can take action to turn around this self-imposed mindset of negativity.
Your thoughts and feelings are not etched in stone.
Instead think of them as rain drops sitting on the railing after a heavy rain. When the sun comes out, these raindrops, like your negative self-talk, have the ability to dry up quickly and evaporate.
A simple mind-shifting strategy to call out your negative self-talk and love yourself more.
Let’s start with this premise.
You don’t have to allow these thoughts which control your mind to control your life.
You can help boost your self-esteem to shift the tide of disheartening thoughts.
How do you develop self-esteem? According to Dr. David Burns, in the best-selling book, Feeling Good, The New Mood Therapy, says “you don’t have to do anything especially worthy to create or deserve self-esteem; all you have to do is turnoff that critical, haranguing inner voice.”
Here’s a very simple, yet powerful, mind-shifting, practice you can employ to turn the tide on the thoughts and feelings which arise from this emotional load you’ve been carrying around.
1. Identify these thoughts of worthlessness you may be experiencing.
Catch those irritating critters like how you would pursue pesky mosquitos: patiently and mindfully.
Self-reflection, journaling, talking about your thoughts to a friend or professional, and mindfulness practices are some ways to come to observe and recognize your negative thought patterns.
As these thoughts arise, acknowledge them by writing them down.
2. Examine and evaluate your thoughts about yourself.
Are these thoughts and feelings valid? Ask yourself, “what if this thought wasn’t true?”
Look at these thoughts objectively – are the negative thoughts valid? Or are they simply inaccurate reflections created by your past?
You may have performed poorly in a task or had a failure at work, but does that make you an overall failure at life?
You could have bombed your last interview for a job but, does that mean you’re incompetent and not hireable by any company?
Play devil’s advocate with these negative thoughts to question their validity.
3. Challenge the thoughts and feelings you’re experiencing.
Counter your thoughts. Challenge them.
For the thought, “I’m good at nothing”, counter with, “well, I successfully navigated to work and back, completed my job duties on time and effectively completed another day at work.”
For the thought, “No one likes me,” think about the friends you do have, the solid relationships you have cultivated and the people who enjoy your company.
When you think you’re not worthy or deserving of love, counter with the thought that you were born as a bundle of love. You were loved unconditionally as a baby, loved by many people in your life since then and have many people today who love you.
You’re both capable of receiving love and giving love.
Look for any small or large achievement of the day to show yourself that you’re not what a self-defeating thought is rattling to you.
View these thoughts through a lens of gratitude instead of lack and negativity.
This practice can be a challenge because your conditioned mind and emotions will try to prevent you from embracing more positive and loving thoughts. Your mind can feel uncomfortable experiencing something new and positive.
If you can’t carry out this exercise on your own, seek the assistance of a trusted friend to help you examine and challenge self-defeating thoughts.
If the thoughts and beliefs are more deep-rooted, seek counseling so a licensed professional can help you identify, evaluate and help you reject those disempowering and deep-rooted thoughts.
Once you do this practice once, like unruly weeds, harmful thoughts will crop up again. Each time, they do, be prepared to confront them and practice self-love.
Come up with counter-examples to destructive thoughts of how you’re capable, worthy and loveable.
Your assignment.
Take out a sheet of paper and capture those self-hating thoughts running through your mind. I’ve included a sample worksheet for you to use as a guideline – you can click here to see it: Selfloveworksheet.
Divide the paper in three.
On the left side, capture the harsh talk and thoughts running through your mind.
In middle column, write down why these negative thoughts aren’t objectively true. Poke holes in these undesirable thoughts.
On the right side, take away power to those negative thoughts by replacing them with contrary and more empowering thoughts.
How is every thought you noted on the left side of the page inaccurate or false? Allow those thoughts to evaporate and allow the empowering thoughts on the right side of the paper to replace them.
Continue this practice until you can successfully confront, challenge and turn around harmful thoughts and feelings.
Do you experience negative and self-defeating thoughts? Please help other readers by sharing other practices to increase self-love, self-worth and improve one’s self-image in the comments below.
I didn’t realize there were advantages of an arranged marriage until after I got married.
My marriage wasn’t quite arranged. By parents. Or family.
Maybe it was arranged by the Gods. Or the Internet. Or the Internet Gods.
Sure, my former wife and I shared the same cultural traditions, spoke the same language and came from the same community in South India.
Although it felt a whole lot like an arranged marriage because we had so much in common, ultimately it was one of our choosing.
We had met each other from across the globe thanks to the power of an online community.
We talked, romanced and wooed each other. We thought we had outsmarted the traditional Indian marriage and found true love.
We married and lived happily ever…
Well, we lived happily. For some time.
Marriage didn’t turn out as we had imagined. Unlike the passionate world-wide initial romance which catapulted us to our wedding day, our relationship fizzled to a melodramatic and sad end.
The separation was fast. The divorce was straightforward.
Although the paperwork was easy, the emotional pain of divorce was probably more painful than having a truck run over me a few times. Greater than through a field of thorny roses.
If I had written this post ten years ago, I would have argued vigorously against an arranged marriage and advised anyone who was considering one to visit a shrink. A really good one.
But eight years of married life plus two years of post-divorce life plus observations about marital success in several cultures are factors that lead me to question if there are benefits to arranged marriages and if they are the way to go.
What is an arranged marriage?
Arranged marriages are essentially fixed or set-up marriages by parents and family of the bride and groom. Practiced throughout the east, arranged marriages can range from formal arrangements by family members of the bride and groom to informal introductions.
Generations ago, brides and grooms would be arranged to be married by their families with little or no say. Sometimes the bride and groom would not even see each other until the wedding day!
But the arranged marriage of today allows for a brief courting period and hell, even input and approval by the boy and girl!
Today’s brides and grooms can either give a thumbs up or down to their future mate, similar to a Facebook “like”.
While this post isn’t for everyone, there are probably many of you out there (in or originally from India, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Nepal, and other parts of Asia and Africa) who will face the prospects of an arranged marriage.
If you’re a white dude in the United States, U.K or Australia, please do not email me asking how to have your nuptials arranged. Instead read my earlier post on why you’re likely not a suitable match for an arranged marriage.
For the rest of you, here are the 12 advantages of having an arranged marriage:
1) A family affair. You don’t have to worry about how your spouse is going to turn out. You’ll know he’s compatible because your family does a thorough police-worthy background check on his family, their personalities, their mental health issues and how they interact with other families.
Your family also hires a financial detective also check out his family’s stock portfolios and real estate holdings! J
2) Shared values. Families tend to pick spouses based on shared values. So you can bet your roti, the guy you’re marrying cares about education, financial stability and maintaining religious and cultural traditions.
He, ok fine – his family, also values gold and diamonds which they intend to shower you with for the rest of your life. Score!
3) Love blooms. You may not fall madly in love, but you can be ready to love a life that’s comfortable, stable and enduring.
There’s something endearing about a love that lasts. I’ve noticed the longer arranged marriage couples are married, the stronger their love and affection for each other tends to be.
Also, it is likely this relationship is the first real relationship both parties have had. When you don’t have anyone else to compare to, the person you’re marrying can seem like an exquisite Rugosa rose.
4) No need to wait forever for that perfect suitor who may never materialize.
As Tracy Macmillan has mentioned in the case of love marriages, many women don’t get married because they’re looking for all kinds of shallow qualities in men.
She says that the only quality that should matter is character. Because men of character commit to marriages, and often, for the long-term!
In arranged marriages, the character research is done early and extensively. Once a potential bride or groom passes the character test, families are usually pretty flexible on most other issues.
(And it goes without saying of course, people of good character live in palatial homes and sport Versace exclusively)
5) Parents screen for deal-breakers.
Having your parental units make early decisions, they can see what the potential pitfalls and problems maybe with your future partner, as this New York Times article points out.
“They’re trying to figure out whether something could go wrong that could drive people apart,” Dr. Epstein, a senior research psychologist at the American Institute for Behavior Research and Technology in Vista, California says.
Your parents essentially become troubleshooters before the match is made knowing innately if your personalities, lifestyles and families would suit each other.
6) Parent approved and endorsed. Your parents intend to spend a significant amount of time with your soon-to-be spouse which only means additional consideration, reflection and improved selection.
If they can’t stand being around him for hours (months) at a time, you are definitely not going to enjoy spending time with your parents and husband.
Since he’s going to spend family holidays and gatherings with you, might as well find someone who is family approved and endorsed.
7) A solid foundation. Families look out for those things that will stick in the long run – earning capacity and professional and career potential. Sure this may be on the duller side of things to young people but if you’re being practical, money matters.
The more you have of it and the more your future husband earns, the better off you are.
Oh, and let’s just say your in-laws want to move in with you in their old age, they’d like to know you’re going to be able to financially support them.
8) Takes the guesswork out of dating. Online browsing. Lunch dates. Whacky set-up by friends and blind dates. Who needs it?
You don’t have to ask too many questions or guess what matters to your future partner.
With similar cultural backgrounds and values, YOU KNOW you’re going to get married, have a couple of kids, raise a family and send your kids to professionalmedical school where they can earn well and take care of you in your old age.
Simple. No blood needs to be shed if everyone does their part.
9) Spend more time wedding planning. It goes without saying, but if you don’t have to spend all of your time dating and working on your relationship, you can spend all your time planning your elaborate three to seven-day wedding.
Don’t worry about the small details about your future love and relationship. The research on your future spouse is more solid than research done by Consumer Reports or Harvard research labs.
Focus on what really matters in life: sending out hundreds of wedding invitations to people you don’t know and have never heard of, selecting the bedazzling jewelry and foraging the sari shops for the overly-priced silk wedding wear you’ll be dazzling everyone with on your wedding day.
10)Family gets in your business. You may hate the thought of your family in your business, but if you’re of South Asian or Indian descent, it’s a fact of life.
If you haven’t accepted it, you’re probably spending time in a far away ashram or have lost all communication and contact with your family. You’re probably in the family witness protection program.
Along with family comes accountability and support.
When your parents are involved in your dating life, they’ll be there as a backup support system in case you need counseling, unwanted advice or a kick in the rear.
If one of you is acting silly or foolish, your family can put you in a headlock and emotionally blackmail you to your senses.
They’re most likely your neighbors or live just down the block from you for unwanted and intrusive visits.
11) Your parents pick up the wedding tab. Yes, the wedding is stressful, doesn’t feel like your own and will be as chaotic as a three ring circus but what are family occasions for after all?
You’ll want to choke your parents and lock up your relatives but your big day will only be filled with hugs, kisses and lot of good cheer.
Usually, regardless of how horrible, chaotic or dangerous the wedding is, the wedding tab will be picked up by one or both sets of parents.
You can save up for that big 60th birthday party your parents plan to have down the road where you can gift your Mom with a Debeers diamond necklace or your Dad with a Porsche Carrera. (or, more likely, a Toyota Camry).
12) Less confusion for your children. With such strong cultural and traditional values in place, you will usually get free baby-sitting which will allow your parents to inculcate your children with eastern values and traditions.
With that free babysitting and brainwashing, your children come to think all this arranged marriage rituals are normal. They’ll be heirs to two parents who speak the same language, practice the same religion and follow all the same traditions.
You won’t have to spend much time explaining different holidays to your kids or spending money for gifts for two different sets of holidays.
Traditions, culture, religion, practices, marriages, rituals, career and professional expectations are all in place for them.
You just sit back to collect the big bucks. And harass them as they’re growing up when and if bizarre thoughts like ‘love’ marriages starts entering their minds.
Hmmm. Love marriages. Who could possibly ever think of such a far-fetched cockamamie idea?
And of course, my views may be a little skewed. There are horrible stories out there of arranged marriages gone wrong.
In fact, if my marriage had been more of an arranged affair, I’d probably be writing to you to run for your life from arranged marriages. Simply, because it didn’t work out.
But I’m going to give it you straight. There are many advantages of an arranged marriage. There’s probably 1001 reasons you shouldn’t have one either and that’s for a future post.
If you’re still unsure about the advantages of an arranged marriage, pick up Arranged Marriage: Run to the Altar or Run for Your Life, click here on Amazon.
I love you boo. Will my every wish be your command?
Please help me welcome a guest post by Secret Spiritual Stories. Enjoythis honest and vulnerable post:
He invited me round. I had a feeling he would want to be more than just friends but something drew me to him even though I didn’t find him attractive. A sliver of a subconscious reaction still active in my brain. He was flamboyant, in your face, ‘out there’ aka my type. I had been historically attracted to and interested in such people because I desired to understand their psychology; perhaps on some level I also desired their levels of confidence. He is the third of a series of men I have been pulled towards for such reasons, but this time was the last.
It was quite obvious from the moment I got there that he was going to try and slowly come onto me. Yet this time was different to my past experiences. The other two guys got me under their spell almost straight away; before long I was their willing, loving, and devoted puppet. Yet since my spiritual awakening, I know that I can always, always say No to the things which do not resonate with Who I Am and Who I Want To Be.
He called me Bubu, Munchkin, Minnie Mouse, all sorts of toy-like names which undoubtedly reflected his aim. I laughed and went along with it, knowing that I was seeing it for exactly what it was and I could walk away at any moment.
He told me I was beautiful more times than I could count. Yet when he asked about what I do – his interest fizzled out quickly. Looks were what he wanted to praise me about, my brains, passions and aspirations represented a threat. Yet it was also one of the reasons he was drawn to me. Both the two men who ended up manipulating and controlling me sought girls who wanted to help and heal the world. They simultaneously loved my desire to help others and grow myself, but also found it intimidating. They would feed off my endless generosity and patience with them, taking all they could, and only give back enough to keep the status quo.
He got close to kissing me, but I was dis-interested. After a few hours I was bored by his company and pointless chatter, and I had also satisfied my curiosity. I had discovered, just like with the other two men, that underneath his flamboyant appearance and ‘spiritual’ conversation there was a deep emptiness. A search for something he couldn’t quite put his finger on. A deep well empty of love.
I gave him that love by walking away. By giving myself respect, and telling him No. I showed him by my example that I am I am worthy and strong and that he can be so too. That I can choose freely who I want to be with, and that his power, tricks, manipulations were just not going to cut it. I’d been there twice already, learnt my lessons, paid my time.
I am grateful for this experience as it reminded me of where I had been in the past, and the direction I am now headed in.I can now turn away from those who desire to leech me of love and then blame me when it runs out. I can understand that over-confidence stems more often that not from a lack of Self-confidence.
I have been easily manipulated in the past, I have let myself be controlled because I thought that was best for me. I thought that in some strange way, that this was also showing love. Yet once I cut my puppet strings loose, the second time, I found a love much more powerful and deep than I had ever experienced with my puppet masters. A deep love, respect and adoration for my Self. For the Inner Goddess within me, and for this in all people. And from this arose a confidence that outshines the flamboyance and party-tricks of my past manipulators.
I know these men are only doing what they feel is right, according to their level of consciousness and experience. Because I understand that and accept it, and accept that I am also imperfect and have hurt others just as they hurt me, I forgive them.
Yet I also leave them behind in that era of my life, and move on to higher pursuits of pure unconditional love, which I now know must be found first and foremost within me, because only from that place, can I truly love others too.
Secret Spiritual Stories is written anonymously by a friend to all. By sharing her stories about spirituality (life), she hopes it may help in understanding your own path too. Come, ask questions, share thoughts and be welcomed by someone who won’t judge you in any way – SSS is a place for all to be Who They Truly Are. You can follow her journey on Twitter or Facebook * Photo credit Seranya
Have you walked away from relationships or friendships because they were controlling and manipulative? Please share your reflections and thoughts in the comments below. Thank you!
“Inner Guide…I wholeheartedly welcome your guidance. I ask that you teach me to perceive everyone as equal, and to see everyone as love. Teach me love through every holy encounter.” Gabrielle Bernstein, May Cause Miracles
“You’re going to stop harassing Linda and allow her to do her work at her own pace,” I instructed the manager at the hospital.
“This is her workplace. She’s not going to be bullied by you or anyone else!”
The snarling manager who had it with me was on the phone, calling security to have me removed from his office and the hospital.
In my most inspiring and sacred job as a union organizer, I’ve had to get in the face of unruly managers plenty of times.
The people who steal your peace.
Many conversations have turned into shouting matches. Sometimes, the cops have shown up. The mutual feelings of animosity and anger were shared by all.
Not only in the workplace but every day of your life presents you with situations where you will be angry, frustrated or extremely annoyed with the people around you.
You want to yank out her hair and strangle her. You want to pour a bucket of water on her lovely dress so she’s soaked, embarrassed and brought back to reality!
Not just your girl-friend but,
– The rude clerk at the grocery store who refuses to give you a double coupon discount.
– The hotel receptionist who insists on giving you a smoking room
– Your co-worker who’s supposed to listen to your ideas but goes ahead and does whatever she pleases.
– The obnoxious retail lady who shoo’s you off to the plus-sized dresses when you clearly don’t belong there.
– The boy-friend who forgot your anniversary, birthday, Mother’s Day, boxing day, President’s Day and hey maybe, the murder-worthy day to forget – Valentine’s day.
Can you love the people who you’d rather run over with your Prius?
The ones who make you angry?
Frustrate you?
Judge you?
Cut you off in traffic? (I just cut someone off recently while driving – a nun of all people! A story for another day).
The people you get angry with daily and feel like beating up with your designer Alexander Mcqueen heels? Or run over with your Prius? Or want to throw over the bridge?
In my case, how do I come to love the people, the adversaries, who sometimes do horrible things to workers? How do I love them?
I know there’s a fine line between being a pushover and standing up for what you believe in but how I do I love the people I’m angry with?
How did Nelson Mandela survive prison to fight apartheid? Dolores Huerta endure strikes and fasts for workers? Wendy Davis stand up, without food or water, for 11 hours for her beliefs?
Leggo your EggoLet go of your ego and chose love.
Sending out love makes you happier, reduces turmoil in your life and creates more harmony in the world. Loving others is also a way to celebrate the divinity in all people.
Gabrrielle Bernstein orders us to step back, put our hands behind our back, and reads us the Miranda rights. Well, she reads us our ego’s rights and how to incarcerate the pesky character.
“The intention of the ego is to maintain control over the perception that the other person is separate, through attack, judgment, jealousy, and so on,” she writes in her latest book, May Cause Miracles.
Gabby says that’s we’re protecting ourselves by thinking attack thoughts on others and by doing so, creating more attack. Yup, it’s a vicious cycle.
She pushes us to challenge our gargantuan egos which occupies our consciousness and radiate love instead.
“The spiritual act of surrender releases you from the ego’s grip and opens up your consciousness to receive guidance. (Shift) the goal of the relationship from one in which you defend specialness and separation to one in which you experience oneness and wholeness.”
Can you love more daily?
To chose love more, you have to come to terms with your judgment and impressions of people. You have to notice what your default perception of people are.
Where does your mind go when you face rudeness, annoyance or arrogance?
Do you attack? Or let go and love?
Once you are aware, let me challenge you to love more.
Can you hold less grudges and forgive more trespasses against you?
Can you put yourself in another person’s shoes? Sympathize with them?
You can’t become a perfect human overnight. You’re going to get upset and angered by the countless transactions you have every day of your life. And want to put people in a neck brace. Don’t do that.
You’ve gotta use every opportunity to look at the situation with love. It’s a daily practice. Hell, it’s a minute by minute practice.
So, instead of feeling attacked, fearful or angry with someone, chose in that moment to love them.
The most improbable results manifest when you do this. I notice that when we treat the other person with love, the other person changes! Often, they respond more logically, kindly and with love themselves. It’s like a magic trick. Gabby would call it a miracle!
You can change the way someone behaves by treating them showering them with love. I’m not a woo-woo kind of guy who believes in tarot readings, divine signs and all this spiritual mumbo jumbo. What the &%#@…let me take that back.
That’s exactly the kind of guy I am but don’t allow that to undermine what I’m about to say.
Do this today:
1) Confront your hatred, judgment and anger towards others. Acknowledge it and be aware of how you are responding to those closest around you. Not just in your personal life but everyone you interact with.
2) Choose to react differently – chose love over fear. As Gabby suggests, set the intention of your relationship with the other person as one of finding peace and love, not attacking them.
Respond to every attack, judgment and negative perception of someone with Gabby’s mantra: “I am willing to see love instead of this.” When you’re lied to, frustrated, angry or upset by someone, chose to see love in the situation, instead of the ego-based thoughts.
3) Chose love in every situation you’re wronged, challenged , rejected, hurt, misunderstood, labeled, you’re made fun of, talked about, lied to…
4) Find more happiness, peace, love and joy in your life when you love someone you want to strangle. Note how your internal world changes for the better. Notice how your external world is filled with more kindness, understanding and love.
How do you love someone who you makes you angry? Let me know in the comments below – one of you lucky comment-leaving souls will win a free copy of Gabby’s book, May Cause Miracles.
I help people overcome their devastating breakups and divorces and find love again. Instead of visiting the Himalayas, sign up below and join me. I am taking a writing break but will be back soon.
This guide is free. A ticket to the Himalayas is $2000. Your move.
(Pick up Does True Love Exist (affiliate link) at the Amazon store 
