I sat on the curb at 2 a.m, in front of my grandparent’s home.
I had never spent the night on the streets of Singapore (or any country really) and having just arrived at midnight, I didn’t want to startle my sleeping grandparents –or have them ring the cops!
I hadn’t told anyone I’d be visiting.
I flung my luggage in front of the iron gates and made myself comfortable on the curb to wait for dawn. I did what anyone sitting on a dimly-lit street at 2 a.m. would do in Singapore: I pulled out my laptop and started reading my friend Galen Pearl’s ebook on forgiveness.
The journey to this curb had been one of the longest journeys of my life. And I’m not just talking about the 20-hour flight from California.
See, I hadn’t spoken to my parents for a little more than 2 years.
During one of the most difficult periods in my life – the most difficult, in fact – my Indian parents aggravated a painful experience by actively intruding in and opposing my separation from my ex-wife.
“What about our family name,” they pleaded. “What will others say about us?”
“You have no choice – you must stay together,” they commanded uniformly.
Being in a place of extreme vulnerability, pain and hurt, I couldn’t handle the added pressure and demands of my parents.
So, we stopped talking. I did, anyway. For 2 years so I could complete the divorce and move on with my life.
I resented them for being unsupportive and choosing to see me in pain rather than alleviate painful circumstances.
This trip back to Singapore was the first step on my journey to forgiveness. I hopped on a flight I didn’t want to take. Struggled to book my ticket, to hop on the plane and sit through a 20+ hour grueling journey. Survived transit lounges, immigration and customs to confront 2 people who had hurt me so much.
And here I was now contemplating how I’d forgive the two people that compounded the pain of my separation and later divorce. The parents who opted for self-interest and family name before their son’s interest.
I needed all the advice and inspiration I could get before I would have to confront my parents in the next couple of days and find a way to forgive them.
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that prisoner was you.” Lewis B. Smeedes
I re-read the forgiveness chapters for the fourth time. Galen recognized forgiveness was a challenge to most, but provided a convincing argument in several chapters of why to forgive someone.
I needed every reason in the book to allow forgiveness into my heart.
Wanting to forgive was why I had gotten on the plane and why I was now sitting on the curb in the middle of a mildly humid Singaporean night.
“Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.” Suzanne Somers
Here are 6 reasons that moved me to forgiveness during that trip, per Galen’s book, and why you should forgive the people you’re holding grudges against in your life.
1) When victims of tragedy and crimes can forgive, why can’t you? Galen gives an example of the most horrific crime committed on a community of people. For example, the Amish schoolhouse shooting by Charles Robert in 2006 which killed 5 young Amish schoolchildren.
When the community was willing to rely on their faith to forgive an unfathomable crime, are you not able to let go of small or large trespasses against you?
All major religious faiths and traditions encourage forgiveness, one of the most important principles after, ‘love your neighbor’. Religious traditions encourage forgiveness for the most horrific, painful and destructive acts by others.
Why aren’t you able to forgive the person who didn’t send you a ‘thank you’ card?
2) No matter what your reason for holding grudges, you’re poisoning yourself internally.
Are you holding back on forgiveness because you’re upset, angry or wanting to teach the perpetrator a lesson? You’ve probably realized that holding a grudge and not forgiving someone may be “secretly delicious”, as Galen says, but it ultimately hurts you the most.
When you don’t forgive, you’re filled with anger, bitterness and revenge.
Not forgiving will cost you your well-being – physically, emotionally and spiritually.
You think you’re hurting someone else or making them feel your wrath. But the gorilla of anger and bitterness envelopes you daily and your every interaction. Your life and view of the world are blinded by anger, hate and bitterness.
Every relationship and interaction is clouded by your inability to forgive.
* Here’s the big secret about forgiveness: you’re freeing and releasing yourself in the process. Forgiving others benefits you and releases YOU from pain. Your life improves dramatically when you let the grudge go.
3) Even if you’re not ready to forgive, set the intention to forgive. I wasn’t ready to forgive but got on a flight and made the journey back to Asia. I had set the intention to forgive even if I was finding physically and psychologically hard to do so. How do you forgive people who’ve caused you so much pain?
Although I didn’t know how I’d forgive, I forged ahead anyways. If you set the intention to forgive, you’ll start opening your heart to the possibility of forgiveness.
Galen writes that we need, “a willingness that opens the crack in our hardened heart shell just enough so we can breathe in the healing power of compassion and breathe out the toxic bar of bitterness.”
Explore the possibilities of forgiveness. Visualize what it’d be like. See what needs to happen in you to let go and stop the hurting person or their actions from continuing to plague you every day.
4) Forgive radically. Did the wronged act benefit you in some way?
Radical forgiveness is not your traditional way to excuse another but more dramatically to look at the incident as a gift.
What??
While you may have no intention to pardon your ex who broke your heart to a million pieces, your parents who destroyed your self-esteem or your friend who betrayed you, could each one of them have brought forth revelations in your life, paths for growth or self-understanding?
You have to go to a pretty radical place to realize and change your perceptions on the wrong-doer and the pain they caused.
And forgive them while focusing on the many benefits and positive circumstances that came out of their wrong-doing.
Did my parents help teach me how to be there for others in their time of need?
Did they make me want to consider restraint before meddling in other people’s problems or relationships?
Were they trying to show me their love and trying to protect me from the heart-break and pain that came with divorce?
5) Forgiveness transforms pain into compassion. Once you’re able to exonerate someone, you’ve just showered the person and situation with compassion. You’re willing to acknowledge the pain and let go of it.
Forgiving allows you to build your ability to be compassionate to others. It allows for understanding others, excusing their wrongs and redeeming them. If you can extend this kindness to those who pain you, you’ll be better able to live with more compassion towards all those around you.
Compassion brings you happiness and allows you to celebrate the divine quality in others.
6) Forgive to open up paths to be forgiven.
You may want to be forgiven some day too, no?
Although this might be the one of the more selfish reasons to forgiven, I thought I’d add to reasons to forgive by suggesting using the Golden Rule to your advantage.
You’ve wronged others and hurt them. Sometimes, you don’t even know how much you’ve irritated, infuriated or wronged someone else. You may have hurt someone who means a lot to you and who you want to continue to have a strong relationship with.
How would you feel if you could NEVER be forgiven by someone you cared about? Now, do you want to be that person? A person filled with so much indignation and self-righteousness they couldn’t allow their ego to pardon a wrong?
Don’t be that person. Build up your arsenal of forgiveness karma.
There’s someone you need to forgive today. There may be more but there’s probably one person you were thinking of as you were reading this article.
Are you ready to forgive them? Have you forgiven someone and glad you did?
Please add to the conversation in the comments below – your thoughts give me more perspective on these issues.
*This post is in response to a few questions on the subject of why Indian parents will never accept non-Indian husbands for their daughters with a mighty strong dose of humor woven in. Enjoy. (p.s. sometimes they accept – see video above) For my book, How to Get Indian Parents to Accept Your Marriage Proposal, click here.
Dear Non-Indian lover, suitor, knight in shining armor,
Let us give it to you straight.
You’ve been with our daughter (your Indian princess) since you both met that fateful night in college.
You think she’s Bollywood glam! The love of your life, the woman of your dreams…Aishwarya Rai, Pocahantas and Freida Pinto all rolled into one.
Unfortunately, there’s no way in this lifetime, this yuga or even in your next life, you’re going to be accepted into our family. Of course, if you reincarnate as a wealthy Indian prince or Sharukh Khan, we’ll change our minds and open our hearts to you in an instant.
You may love our daughter and she may love you.. You may want to die for her. You may want to commit suicide if you don’t have our approval.
Well…jump off the building if you must.
Move to a different part of the world, in protest, if you have to. (We’ll pick up the tab and your moving expenses)
No matter what you do, what you say, what you believe in and what you drive (well, we’re open to reconsideration if you show up in an S-Class Mercedez) are we going to accept that Priya, Anita, Maya, Leela, Rita, Sita, Shreya, Nisha is going to be your lawful wedded spouse, so help us God.
6 Reasons We’d Rather Jump Down a Well In Shame Than Give You Our Daughter’s Hand in Marriage.
1) You’re not Indian.
And by that, we don’t mean you’re not caramel brown-skinned, you don’t have an Indian passport or large family estates in India. (Well, we do mean that) We simply mean that you don’t have Indian VALUES.
You don’t VALUE EDUCATION, you don’t VALUEBLING (diamonds and gold), you don’t VALUE palatial like homes which are way too large for you to ever live in or fancy cars to make our friends envious.
2) You’re not religious.
This is not a do-or-die reason but you’re not a practicing Hindu, Jain, Sikh, Muslim, Christian. A lot of Indian functions revolve around spirituality, religion, and our over-the-top century-old customs.
We sure as hell don’t have time for you to learn it and have no interest in letting you in on family traditions that have been carried on for hundreds of years.
3) We don’t trust your family background.
You can’t trace your roots back for 8 generations. But more importantly, you’re not from a stable family. Your parents are divorced, you have dysfunctional family issues and we don’t know if marriage is a lifetime commitment to you.
Sure, we’re more dysfunctional than the Kardashians and should be locked up under 24 hour psychiatry care but this conversation isn’t about us. It’s about you, son.
4) You’re not a professional, earning six figures.
If you’re trying to win over our love and affection, make a move here and you can win over our hearts and minds.
Whoever said money doesn’t talk is probably a pauper or dead. In our culture, money talks.
If you got some (a lot of cash) your Ben Franklins will make us think twice. If you can provide a stable and comfortable (opulently wealthy) life for our daughter, you might have a shot.
But listen yo, we’re not talking here 5 figure jobs or ‘good’ jobs. We’re talking high-paying, high in-demand jobs and one you’ll be able to stay employed in for two lifetimes. All medical professions and dentistry qualify. So does mechanical, electrical and computer engineering.
If you’re a creative-type or a ‘freelancer’, please find yourself a nice Greek girl.
5) You’re not from a wealthy family.
We’re looking at the long-range strategy here. If you’re not from a wealthy family, you’re not going to inherit a lot of cash. You won’t be able to pass on any family wealth to our grandkids.
You’re also not going to be able to afford luxury cars, medical school tuition for our grandkids or buy that palatial home we hope to crash at.
Are you suggesting that we’re shallow, materialistic and superficial?
How dare you!!
6) You’re not going to let us move in with you in our old age and live with you until our dying day!
When we’re old – that would be now, we’re going to move in with you.
At least that’s the happy thought we’d like to have when marrying off our daughter to you.
We want to move into your house, have you buy us groceries, have you cook us dinner and inconvenience you often. We want you take us to doctor visits, pharmacies and all special Hindu pujas at the temple or Muslim prayers at the mosque. And we want you to do it 150% out of obligation and with a smile on your face dammit!
7) You don’t speak our language or appreciate Bollywood movies.
We want to speak to you in our own language. Yes, we’ve been living in America for 60 years but don’t think we’re switching to that American lingo (and the English language) now.
We want to speak to our grandkids in Hindi, Malyalam, Tamil, Telugu and Urdu. They’re sure as Lord Ganesha not going to learn it from you cause you don’t even speak English right, son.
Now, non-Indian beau – you’re in a mango pickle. What do you do – stay and fight for the love of your life or…
Run.
Huh?
Yup, here are 4 directions to run in.
Run forward. Run towards the alter. Elope. Follow the love of your love regardless of the consequences. Do it big and do it bold; run-away like couples in Bollywood blockbusters.
Who cares about the consequences, the emotional trauma you’ll create for generations and the heart-attacks you’ll cause in the bride’s family. Mostly, their families over-exaggerate about heart-attacks and suicides. Rarely do parents kill themselves over the shame of their daughter marrying a non-Indian person.
Run uphill. You can run uphill. And by that I mean, try to accommodate your future wife’s family as much as possible. And what does ‘accommodate’ mean?
Well, they’ll never really accept you, embrace you or approve you. But to try to get into their good graces, you can try to fix items 1-7 above.
Never too late to enroll in medical school!
If medical school is out of the question, there’s always optometry, dentistry, podiatry, physical therapy and a whole slew of other medical-related specialties that will net you a six-figure income and make our family proud.
You can also build or buy a large house, get a fancy car and provide large gifts of gold, silver or diamonds to your in-laws. The latter will be an instant hit and you will immediately be showered with love and acceptance from your future mother-in-law.
You can also become a devout Hindu, Jain, Sikh or Muslim (depending on your fiance’s religion) although following the family’s spiritual path only brings limited favor to you.
Offering to have your family pay for the entire wedding also curry-favors with your future in-laws.
Run away. If I’ve convinced you Indian culture is neurotic, sociopathic, materialistic and most people in it have lost their mind, take your money, dignity and sanity, and run for your life.
This community’s CRRRAAAAAYYYYY! And being Indian, I can attest to that.
Sure, we care about education, stability and no-divorce lifestyles but we also care too much about your bank account, your house and what people think of us. Our lives constantly revolve around what others say and think about us.
We’ll protect our reputations like a lioness protects her newly-born cubs. Try to compromise our standing in the community and we’ll lash out against you with sharpened paws.
If you value your sanity (and your life in some cases), make a run again to the nearest Latina, Greek, Italian, Thai or Chinese girl you can find. Yes, some of those cultures will expect you to be well-settled and educated but they’re usually sane and will be respectful of you.
Run backwards. You can always slow your relationship way down and take a breath. Run to the side, run backwards or just stop running for a minutes.
Although Indian parents deeply desire you both ‘take a break’ in hopes your relationship will come to a screeching halt, it really may be the best case situation for both of you. If you both cool down the relationship, you can both evaluate your relationship and next steps.
You can allow the love of your love to show her parents that she’s not marrying anyone else and will wait for you, even if it’s a month or one year. You can get a lot of juice out of this dramatic sacrifice-ridden exercise.
Taking a break might even show your future in-laws that you’re respecting their wishes and listening to what they have to say, which might win you points in the long-run.
Finally, let me just say this. More likely than not, your future Indian in-laws aren’t going to readily accept you into their traditional and conservative family but sometimes, if the moons align and the Gods are on your side, they just might say ‘yes’ to you. You might just get the green light to marry their daughter.
In that case, run, I mean sprint like a cheetah, to the alter.
What if you’ve fallen in love with someone from the Indian culture? Want a practical, step-by-step guide to win over the hearts and minds of Indian parents and get their approval? Pick up, How to Get Indian Parents to Accept Your Marriage proposal today.
Gawd, You'll never get anywhere singing like that!
Welcome back to my friend Razwana! Take it away amica mia –
Sometimes whatever you do, it’s never enough.
You could sacrifice everything for your family, but it wouldn’t even scratch the surface.
The demands never end.
When my (clichéd) arranged marriage was over and I finally decided it was time to live my life, I announced to my mother that I was moving to London. Now, the first generation British-Pakistani community do not care for women living independently.
A woman living alone means one of two things – you are either hiding something, or you’re a whore. I fell into neither category. But the truth didn’t matter so much. It’s what my actions appeared to say that was the problem.
So I had a decision to make. Do I do what I want, or do what my mother wants?
I decided to use a bargaining chip so we both get what we want.
‘OK, mother. If I don’t move to London, I will move out of your house and live on my own, but in the same city.’
Only, that’s not quite what I did.
Yes, I moved to a house a couple of streets away so it was just close enough so that she wouldn’t feel too lonely. Was I right in doing that? No.
Then, I would go to my mum’s for dinner 5 nights a week. Was that enough? Never!
So I sacrificed seeing friends so I could spend time with my family. Did I gain acceptance? Nope.
Surely she could see I was trying to make her happy, right? Wrong again.
The worst part was that the circle of misery was going round and round – seeing her disappointed was making me unhappy, so the more I did, the worse it became.
It was decision time again. This time I did make my move to London. And it was magical.
I’d love to say that this was the catharsis that transformed our relationship, Hollywood movie style.
It wasn’t.
Over the years, I’ve accepted my position as the eternal-disappointment. This is perhaps one of the most trying, emotional, destructive, difficult, time-consuming relationship, ever. But it has evolved, and taught me a few things along the way….
When it’s all over, they are still family.
That blood that you share? It’s there forever. They are your family; the one’s you didn’t choose, but the ones that raised you. They fed you, they clothed you, and were there when you didn’t even know you existed.
This doesn’t mean you must now sacrifice everything for them, but it does mean respecting the fact that you have a history. This may be the only thing that keeps you together, but if you were going to leave them, you would have done so by now, right?
What will other people think?
Yes, dearest, what WILL those people think? Do you care? Do your parents care? The two perspectives are very different.
Know that when your parents ask what the neighbours will think of you, they are simply projecting their issues onto you. THEY are scared of what the Iyer’s down the road will think of you. They want the Khan’s next door to respect you because what you do reflects upon on them.
But it is not your problem. It’s their problem. Let them deal with their problem.
Look forward like you’re looking back
Consider your life in 20, 30 or 40 years. How will it play out if you follow one path over another? Will you be happy because you did everything in your will to please your parents?
Didn’t think so.
And the irony is that when you get there and tell them you are unhappy, they will agree and question why you listened to them in the first place.
And if you DO decide to succumb to the pressure and do what they want you to do, then accept the fact that you will spend the rest of your life living vicariously through TV shows.
Just make sure it’s worth it.
If you want them to be different, start with yourself
Do you want them to show that they love you? Love them first.
Do you want them to show an interest in your life? Show an interest in their life first.
As difficult as it sounds, give them what you want from them. Don’t do so because you want them to reciprocate. Do so because it’s what we do for the people we love. And if you DO want them to reciprocate, try communicating it to them.
That’s right.
COMMUNICATE IT.
Talk to them, in a language they understand (!) and explain exactly what it is you want.
The honesty will be worth it.
Over to you — what’s the most difficult relationship in your life? How do you cope?
*Razwana Wahid leads a movement for anyone who, professionally and personally, has felt jaded, exhausted and dull; for anyone who’s forgotten what it feels like to come ALIVE, do work you LOVE. She blogs at www.yourworkisyourlife.com
Who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down?
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.” Oprah
Need more friends in your life?
No, you don’t!
What!!?? How could you say that V?
Well, I can say that, dear friend and blog reader of mine, because if you’re anything like me, you have an abundance of friends in your life. Or maybe HAD?
From our school and university days to our work days, we make friends. We are regularly around folks who are initially suspecting strangers, then mildly warm acquaintances to finally being best buds we want to spend every minute of our time with. (Well, not every minute – that might make you a stalker!)
Some of us might actually need more friends in our lives. If you don’t have any, yes, you need one.
If you have some (friends that is), you should strive to nurture those friendships instead of finding new ones.
Why friendship matters?
During three critical periods in my life, friends were there for me. And helped save my life. Ok, my sanity, at least.
When I was in my final year of high school in Northern California and my family moved back to Malaysia, I moved in with family friends. Along with them, many of my friends from secondary was how I was able to keep a sense of normalcy in my life. I was 17-years-old and found myself completely alone during the most important year of school. Friends were there for companionship, advice and help.
During college, I again found myself in a new city, living in a college dorm. I didn’t know a single person on campus when I arrived during what was probably one of the rockier years of my life. Getting adjusted to college life and complete responsibility for myself would have been tough if I didn’t have the help of room-mates, dorm-mates and friends.
Most recently, after my divorce, friends were the people in my life that I could most rely on for objective advice, non-judgment and understanding. As painful as divorce was, one of the many positive results were the unbending friendships which only became stronger.
Friends are there through the rough and smooth patches of travel. They are there to celebrate the dazzling moments but really are there when you crash, fall down, or fall apart.
A friend can share advice, change your perspective or even be a shoulder to lean on.
A friend in a moment of need can help you through the most prickly of life circumstances and salvage your well-being.
If they can uplift you perspective, rejuvenate your life, mend your soul, rally your drive – aren’t they changing you life? And your outlook on the world?
How do you keep your best friends forever (bff’s) instead of making new ones every 6months?
You don’t need new friends. You don’t need a lot of friends.
Value the ones you do have. Strengthen the friendship in your life.
How you ask?
Visit my guest post over at Mary Jaksch’s blog and find ten simple ways to strengthen your friendships (Please leave me a comment over there and let me know about the rock-solid friendships in your life and what you’ve done to sustain them)
Should you ‘find the world’ in another person, as Alicia harmonizes? If you say, no, read on mis amigos.
We are all looking for love in our lives.
Not only to love others but to be loved. Without fear…conditions…limitations.
Love songs, classic movies and today’s blockbusters provoke us to find that ideal love we watch on the big screen.
Alicia Key’s tune above sketches a love so deep that a lover’s arms around you are worth more than a kingdom, more than gold and diamonds!
(If you’d rather have the $bling$ than the hug, raise your hand friends)
Movies depict undying and eternal love. Music serenades the perfect lover. Books depict the depths of love between two souls.
While we’re caught up in fairy tale weddings, passionate romances and soulful love stories, there’s one person we’re ignoring.
The person we should be loving first.
Ourselves.
To love ourselves is a process of complete acceptance, compassion, forgiveness without limits or conditions.
But how many of us ever reach the place where we are truly in love with ourselves? How many of us even try?
We cannot love others until we fall in love with ourselves first.
Loving ourselves is a prerequisite to loving others.
We cannot complete others, as Tom pronounces in the clip, below until we complete ourselves.
Were you loved?
For some of us, the people who were supposed to love us never understood the way to show us love.
Perhaps they never knew how to love themselves either so loving you was an impossible feat.
The people who are supposed to love us made us feel inadequate, incompetent, inhuman or broken. Unloved.
4 Ways to Love Yourself (in a non-sensual way – ha!)
1. Compassion
We tend to be harsh and merciless with ourselves.
A practice of compassion is the first step to loving ourselves.
Compassion doesn’t judge and doesn’t put conditions on our love. Compassion sees our shortcomings and faults and accepts them anyway.
Practice empathy. Feel your pains, fear and guilt without wallowing in them. Be loving towards your past hurts and sorrows. Be gentle.
2. Acceptance
To be able to truly love ourselves, we have to accept who we are as people.
To love ourselves, we have to accept our good and bad traits, qualities, characteristics and life experiences. We must learn to embrace our pains, sorrows, fears, shame and inadequacies.
We must come to term with our histories, biographies, upbringing, personalities and our quirks.
Self-acceptance is the road to self-love.
3. Show yourself that you care.
How do you treat yourself? Is your life balanced, healthy and fulfilled?
Are you running around every day being ‘busy’? Not eating well? Working too much? Not exercising? Not being mindful? Stressed? Worried?
Are you treating yourself the way you want someone who loves you to treat you?
If you love yourself, take actions in your life to show yourself love, gentleness and kindness.
Look at the things in your everyday life that bring you physical discomfort, stress, worry, and emotional pain. Take steps to eliminate and reduce those factors.
Look for work that allows you to truly love yourself. Eat foods that shows you that you love your body. Be around positive and caring people. (Don’t talk to your mother-in-law – joke!) Create a daily schedule that allows you to spend time with yourself.
Take small steps to show that you’re important, that your health and body matter and that you’re worth taking care of.
4) Take action.
Romantic relationships fail when you stop working on them. So does the relationship you have with yourself. If you’re not actively taking actions to show yourself that you care, you’re not loving yourself as you’re capable of.
If you’re not removing caustic and harmful people out of your life, you’ll find it harder to love yourself. If you’re not doing work or a career that suits your personality, you’ll find it harder to be joyful and treat yourself well. If you’re not taking care of your body, you’ll feel less healthy and positive about yourself.
Accept yourself and strive be good to yourself.
Not only will you fall in love with yourself and be a loving person be but you will be able to share that love with all those around you. You will be love, can give and receive love.
The secret to loving others and being loved the way you want is to love yourself first. (Here are 17 additional ways how. Thanks Evelyn!)
My friend Wendy Irene talks about the importance of loving yourself in her weekly videos. Watch to learn more.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aUT5g6ljss4&feature=player_embedded#! To pick up my book, Self Romance Manifesto: Fall in Love With Yourself and Live From Your Heart, click here.
I help people overcome their devastating breakups and divorces and find love again. Instead of visiting the Himalayas, sign up below and join me. I am taking a writing break but will be back soon.
This guide is free. A ticket to the Himalayas is $2000. Your move.
