After I separated from my ex-wife, I was in a daze.
Everything I had known in my life came to a complete standstill.
In a short period of time, all our shared ambitions, dreams and life goals disappeared into thin air.
I had no clue how I would survive or come back from this devastating heartbreak and loss.
I had so many questions and no answers on healing a broken heart.
What should I do? Where should I start? How would I rebuild my life from the ground up?
And more immediately, how would I manage the pain and grief I was experiencing?
More long-term thoughts like, ‘Do I have hope for the future?’ and ‘Will I love again?’ and ‘Will someone love me again?’ madly fluttered through my mind.
Now, more than three years after this painful experience, I’m here with a message for those who are going through a painful and numbing breakup of their own.
You can come back from heartbreak.
You can heal.
You can love again.
No matter how soul-crushing or painful the end of your relationship was, there is healing and hope in your future.
I know this to be true because this happened in my own life.
I went from knocked out and beaten down to living the most rich and vibrant life.
I went from heartbreak and pain to love and abundance.
How did all of this happen?
Well, I can tell you what didn’t happen.
I didn’t simply let time pass. See, that’s the most trite and false advice for going through breakups and heartbreaks.
Time alone isn’t enough when healing a broken heart.
In fact, when I let time heal my wounds, I found myself simmering in sadness, bitterness and resentment. I continued a downward spiral to my worst and most pitiful self.
It was only when I decided that I was not going to suffer anymore and that I was going to actively come back from this hopeless situation that things began to change.
What does heal a broken heart?
As I’ve gone through my own healing and have rebuilt my life, I found the following to be true.
I know that healing takes energy, effort, choice and resilience.
Healing a broken heart requires that you go through several steps, from acceptance to forgiveness to letting go of the past.
Healing happens when you come to terms with your heartbreak, embrace the emotional turbulence you’re feeling and forgive those who hurt you.
You’ll be able to move on once you learn from the past, accept the lessons from your relationship and develop clarity about yourself and your life.
What can come out of heartbreak? (and…can you love again?)
A broken heart can become a catalyst that compels you to break out of your old life, your old beliefs, your old self so that you can become the best version of yourself.
A broken heart is an opportunity to discover your essence and live your purpose.
Once you’ve healed and come to terms with your past relationship, you can absolutely love again.
I’ve come to see that healing a broken heart can help you see your soul.
And from this soul-centered place, you can find a love based on compassion, respect and a better understanding of yourself. You’ll be able to love deeper and more intimately.
And introducing… 10 Sacred Laws of Healing a Broken Heart
I want to share my heartbreak journey with you.
The road back from heartbreak has been a spiritual one, even a sacred one.
That’s why I wrote a new ebook that not only describes the greatest love of my life, but what happened when it fell apart.
You’ve read pieces of my story in this blog post and other places around the web, but you’ve not heard my story in full.
More importantly, you haven’t learned about all the steps I’ve taken to heal my heart.
This ebook is a gift of love for those who are experiencing heartbreak and pain.
It’s a sacred invitation and a soul conversation.
I hold back the fluff and get to the point about what worked for me in healing a broken heart.
In 10 Sacred Laws of Healing a Broken Heart, I describe my journey back from heartbreak. I show you, with plenty of practical advice and guidance, how you can do the same.
Not only will you learn about the healing process, you’ll find that each sacred law offers practical advice about actions you can take to move on.
Who is this book for and how much does it cost?
My intention with this book is to help as many people as possible who are going through soul-crushing heartbreak.
This book is for you if you’re hurting because of your relationship and have had your heart broken.
Yes, those of you who haven’t spoken to your ex in days or months. Those of you who have separated or called it quits in your relationship.
Those of you who have broken up, broken off your engagement or stopped living together. Those of you who are going through or have gone through a divorce.
It’s for those of you who are sitting on the bathroom floor wondering if life will ever go on.
Those of you who are experiencing pain and sorrow daily and feel the thorns of a rejected or broken love.
Those of you who might believe that life as you know it is over and that you have no hope for any future.
I wrote this book for those of you who are suffering but who believe a better tomorrow is out there. This is a book for people who believe in new beginnings and love.
The book will be priced at $2.99 on Amazon.com when I release it. But…
since you’re a regular reader and have been with me on this blog for some time, I would like to make this book available to you for free when it first comes out.
After making it available to you for free for a five day period, the ebook will continue to be made available on my site and Amazon.
I’m excited about this release and I want to thank you ahead of time for your support!
Janet Brent had a quarter-life crisis when she turned 25. She was unhappy, lost and found herself in a dysfunctional relationship.
In the past 5 years, she’s been able to turn it all around and it started with her healing her heart and coming back from heartbreak.
In this video post, she talks about how she came back from this low point in her life. She shares the exact steps she walked on her journey back from heartbreak, everything from a new social circle of friends to her Eat, Pray, Love adventure.
Check out the video and learn more about Janet’s story.
Today, Janet is a digital nomad and ebook queen. She started her own thriving business and now helps others brand themselves online, specializing in ebook design and marketing. Learn more about Janet here.
Special Announcement: I’m publishing my newest ebook in a couple of weeks about healing a broken heart; The 10 Sacred Laws of Healing a Broken Heart. Stay tuned for more details on this book that will help you let go of the past, heal your heart and find love again.
“Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be.” Sonia Ricotti
It’s not easy to love again after heartbreak.
I know because heartbreak has been my divine teacher.
And it’s taken me a very long time to come to terms with my breakup, accept my divorce and let go (mentally) of the person who occupied so much of my life.
It’s close to four years now and I FINALLY feel ready to move on.
Ready to let love into my life again.
Ready to open myself up again.
How I got here
When my marriage ended abruptly, my life began unraveling for a couple reasons. One, I loved my ex-wife, and despite our many challenges together, I was hopeful as ever of a love that would heal, transform and reignite. I felt it was only a matter of time before our differences would darken and our hearts would shine.
Two, my life unraveled because I couldn’t accept such a drastic change in it. Maybe I took love and marriage for granted. Or maybe I had the old-school version of relationships stuck in my mind – that relationships lasted no matter how challenging or tumultuous they were. The only solution, I believed, was to stay together and keep trying. And in the meantime, we had to keep working through the kinks.
Although divorce was what I ultimately came to accept, it was after much kicking and screaming on my part.
I didn’t want to let go of someone who I had come to see as part of me. Despite our differences, I had always felt soulfully connected to her.
Naturally, when she left, my soul felt empty and my life felt broken.
I went from a state of shock and pain to sadness and loss.
Much of this is chronicled in this blog, and much of what I’ve written describes how to come back from such dark and tragic places in our lives.
For me, the process of healing and letting go has taken place at a snail’s pace.
Over the past few years, my mind continued to replay the ups and downs of our relationship. Of course, during periods of grieving, your mind can hardly remember the downs.
You mostly remember the good times, the happy times and the joyful times.
I remembered the laughs, dreams and hopes we shared.
And every city or restaurant we had visited together triggered a reaction in me.
Every current conversation or movie triggered conversations and chatter of the past.
I saw her name everywhere and heard her name everywhere, including in magazines, books and movies.
I was clinging and holding on for dear life to this lost love. I felt that losing her was losing myself. This dying relationship felt like my own mortality.
It was not easy, as you know, to pick up the pieces, get through each day and move on.
The path back to myself has been long and treacherous. The path back to love has been fraught with tears, sorrow and sadness.
The path to moving on has required that I find the courage to let go of the past, accept the present and step into who I am today. The path to myself required that I put myself together after being completely broken.
It’s required that I stand up and step into my soul + my life.
If you have gotten out of a soul-crushing, life-crushing relationship and find yourself on the bathroom floor crying out to a God that doesn’t appear to exist, I bow to you and welcome you to join me on this journey to healing.
Your heart may be fractured, but your soul is about to emerge – stronger, more vibrant and more courageous than ever.
You may feel as though your breakup has shattered your life, but that doesn’t mean there’s no hope for living today.
To the contrary, if you go through this journey of healing you can find peace today, gratitude for what happened and joy in future possibilities.
Cracking open a fragile heart can unleash a timid soul.
You can become courageous again and be ready to open your soul to something new.
If you’re ready to let go and move on, let me take you through my own healing process.
9 ways to let go of your past relationship so that you can heal and open your heart to love again
1) Acceptance of what is.
For the longest time, I couldn’t accept heartbreak or divorce.
I had always believed our separation was temporary and that we would get back together one day.
Same with divorce. Even months and, I would say, years after the divorce, I thought there was hope for our relationship.
You might see this as positive thinking, delusion or denial.
See, heartbreak had caused so much personal pain that I just did not want to accept it as true. The divorce had caused so much emotional and family turmoil, I wished it would simply go away.
I was really fighting change and uncertainty – it was the first time in my life I felt like I had no control over a situation. So I tried to remain positive, visualizing and dreaming our relationship back together.
Of course, what I was really doing was denying this reality.
When you’re in denial about something in your life, you can’t move on.
When you refuse to accept uncertainty or events that are out of your control, you’re going to remain stuck.
If you’d like to move on from heartbreak, or anything really, surrender to the situation – let your life feel out of control for a bit. Trust that it will get better and that you’ll see light down the road, even if you’re in darkness now.
You may not know how to get out of the torture you’re feeling, but now there is a way out. It will come together as you go through the healing process.
Allow your intuition to shine the light and lead the way while healing.
Sometimes acceptance and surrender require simply standing back and not doing anything – not resisting or denying what you’re experiencing.
It’s acknowledging your situation as it is. It’s sitting with it and accepting it without an answer or action plan.
2) Showing up to grieve.
You don’t have to hide, deny, suppress or run from your emotions.
Allow them to unfold and wash over you.
Show up to grieve – face grief boldly and courageously.
There’s nothing to be ashamed of – you’re entitled to feel hurt, sad, angry, devastated or any other feelings you’re experiencing.
In my case, I felt an avalanche of emotions and feelings for a couple of years after the divorce. I didn’t make them go away or hide them.
Lots of tears, sleepless nights and therapy numbed the pain and helped me come to terms with loss.
Sharing the pain with others, although I didn’t do this much at first, definitely helped me carry the burden of the breakup’s pain.
Show up and face your grief.
There’s nothing to be ashamed of in feeling everything you’re feeling. It’s normal. It’s human. And again, if it’s overwhelming, reach out to your inner circle or professionals to help you deal with the emotional weight you’re carrying.
3) Taking responsibility
You can take on a bitter attitude your entire life and curse your no-good &$^&@#@ ex for the pain and heartache she caused or….
You can take responsibility for your part in the relationship.
For much of the earlier stages of my grief, I blamed my ex. She did this…or didn’t do this…Most thoughts concluded with the feeling that it was her fault and I was the innocent victim.
Of course, it’s never this way. Both sides in a relationship gone sour are at fault.
You don’t have to blame yourself for it, but instead accept responsibility for it.
And if you think there’s nothing at all wrong with you and it was all your ex’s fault, try to take a more objective view. If you still can’t, you may not be ready to move on.
I now realize that I was living unconsciously in my relationship. I’m not sure what I was thinking or who I was back then, but it wasn’t the person today who came out of that relationship.
I was living a life of ego, anger, unrealistic expectations, control and non-communication.
I can justify all these things in my life and blame these many character flaws on others (hi parents!), or I can choose not to and take responsibility for them.
Only when I began to realize what I had done wrong could I continue the healing process.
When I was dead-certain it was all my ex’s fault, I was stuck in my ego and my healing. I couldn’t move on until I took responsibility.
Once I started taking responsibility I could also stop playing the role of “victim.”
When you play the role of the “victim,” your view of the relationship and your steps forward are skewed.
When it’s all the other person’s fault and you feel like you did nothing wrong, you’re likely not being honest with yourself. And more importantly, you’re stopping yourself from moving on.
If you can’t admit that you had a part in how this relationship ended, you can’t go through the other steps of healing I describe below. You’re likely stuck on being “right” rather than choosing to move on.
The longer you choose the state of denial and blame, the longer it will take for you to heal.
4) Forgiving yourself.
Once you take responsibility for your part, be willing to forgive yourself.
The goal here isn’t to hold yourself up to some gold standard, criticize yourself or remind yourself how much you screwed up.
It’s to forgive yourself for acting and behaving in ways that were not healthy. You most likely didn’t know what you were doing and you’ve grown because of your unconscious behavior.
Once you realize it wasn’t healthy and you see your mistakes, you’ve given yourself the gifts of awareness, insight and growth.
When you forgive yourself and bathe yourself in compassion, you can let go of the hot coals of anger and resentment you’re carrying.
In order to forgive, you have to ignore what others have said to you about yourself and the internal story you’re telling about yourself.
If you feel blame and guilt, you have even more reason to forgive yourself.
You’re not perfect, you’re human.
Even if you broke up with the perfect person and it was all your fault, forgive yourself. You have learned, grown and become the person who can do better the next time.
5) Forgiveness and saying thank you.
Harder than forgiving yourself is forgiving your ex.
Actually, you not only need to forgive your ex, but everyone else you blame in the relationship – his friends, her family, your parents, her parents and anyone else you believe bears responsibility for the parting of ways.
Forgiving isn’t easy and you’re never going to reach the ideal place of forgiveness. Forgiving when it feels right won’t work because it will never feel right.
Forgiveness is a process – one that, if you’re to reap the benefits, requires your participation.
You forgive even if you don’t want to. It’s true what they say about forgiveness – ultimately, forgiving others is a way to let go of the resentment and anger within. You’re really forgiving for yourself.
Set an intention to forgive.
Then write a letter (which you don’t send) to your ex, forgiving him or her for all the person’s wrongs and hurtful actions toward you. Forgiving your ex for breaking your trust, breaking your heart, taking advantage of you.
Forgiveness is a miracle-inducing action that will allow the vibrancy of the pain you’re feeling to subside.
One of the first things I did in my journey to healing was to forgive my ex. I didn’t want to at the time, but I forgave anyway. And I continued forgiving her throughout the healing process.
After you begin your mission of forgiveness, you can truly heal by becoming grateful to this former person in your life.
Once you see how he or she transformed your life and improved your being, you can’t help but be grateful. Express that gratitude by writing or sending a silent wish to the person.
I am more grateful to my former wife today for our relationship.
Although our relationship was a struggle, it broke open the floodgates to conscious living, finding my truth and myself (even my purpose). It has led to my greatest personal development, character development and spiritual awareness.
This relationship broke my heart wide open so that I could see my soul and, today, live from this place.
I am thankful.
6) Bringing yourself back to the present.
When you have suffered a breakup and are trying to get over it, something that sabotages your recovery is living in the past – which I did a lot of.
As I’ve talked about, my resistance to change and my inability to accept life events made me want to go back and relive the glory days of our relationship.
I thought constantly about all the good times, the shared laughs, the highlights and the happy times. I longed for a time and day that no longer existed.
When you get in the habit of living in the past, though, the negative and painful times also pop into your mind.
Imagine living a life that has nothing to do with today. I was doing that for a couple of years; continually reliving the past because I felt safe there and took comfort in knowing that my future life could be like my past life.
I was being nostalgic and sentimental; I had a better sense of myself in the past.
Who was I, after all, without my ex and my past?
Letting go of past living is scary, but so essential to moving on.
Life is beautiful, rich and filled with so many lovely experiences. You can’t really experience the beauty of life if you’re not here at this moment.
Catch yourself going back to the past and become aware of your tendency to daydream about the good days.
Pay attention and create present moment awareness in your life.
Think of your past as a movie, with scenes flashing into your mind, but try to avoid jumping back into those scenes and reliving them.
You’ve already suffered enough. By not living in the present moment, you’re allowing your past relationship and your ex to repeatedly harm you.
Choose yourself. Choose today. Choose the present moment.
7) Soul lessons.Life lessons.
As you move forward, don’t forget the lessons of this relationship. And the lessons from life’s lowest point.
If you haven’t learned any lessons, don’t rob yourself of the opportunity to grow and gain more insight.
As you take responsibility for your part, what have you learned about yourself?
What do you need to change? What do you need to let go of? How do you live more in alignment with your true nature? How do you live a more authentic life? How do you connect and relate to other people? How can you communicate better?
Ask yourself these questions and get curious about how to make improvements in your life and future relationships.
Life has taught you a heavy but invaluable lesson. Do life and your former relationship justice by walking away from it with wisdom.
Ask yourself what the relationship was here to teach you and glean the answers from this question.
8) Cultivate compassion and love.
As you come back to the world of new relationships and new possibilities, cultivate more compassion and love in your life. First, for yourself.
Learn to have a passionate affair with yourself (I wrote this manifesto about how to do so) so that you’re embracing your darkest parts and your wounds.
Don’t beat yourself up over what happened. Treat yourself as you would your gentlest and kindest friend.
Allow love to infuse the thoughts, emotions and feelings in your life.
Establish a spiritual practice to help you generate love from your internal being.
From your inner core, imagine love spreading outward toward others. Imagine love from within expanding from you to the entire world.
Breathe in compassion. Breathe out anger. Breathe in compassion. Breathe out judgment.
Breathe in love. Breathe out the past. Breathe in love. Breathe out the pain.
9) Step into your life with courage.
Once you accept what happened, go through the healing process and are ready for a comeback, be ready to step out of your broken heart and into your life.
What I mean by this is to embrace everything that has happened to you and then find the courage to move forward.
Find the courage within for each step of the journey toward healing and then the courage to come out of healing.
Take small steps toward living a new life. Small steps in saying “yes” to coffee and “yes” to meeting new people.
Small steps in reacting differently to people, in changing your past behavior and in improving who you are as a person.
Yes, your past happened – own it – but the future is happening now and you can write how that goes.
You’ve come out of heartache and failure – you know what it’s like to be at life’s low point, but this has certainly prepared you for life’s glory days.
You’ve experienced crisis. Now you’re ready for brilliance.
Coming out of your shell to meet your best life takes courage. Take those small steps of courage to live an inspired, love-filled and soul-rich life.
Did you enjoy this post? Please share it with your friends and family who have experienced heartache and are trying to move on.
Anyone who tells you that confidence is an innate quality isn’t telling you the truth.
Confidence isn’t a trait that some people have and others don’t.
I am not a naturally confident person.
I used to worry about what people thought of me. I feared being awkward or saying the wrong thing. Many times, I was unsure of myself.
The good news is that I grew out of this.
I did so by building my confidence muscle, being around confident people and taking notes on effective confidence-boosting strategies.
In my previous life, I helped run campaigns for candidates seeking public office. I worked closely with some of the most confident people you can imagine.
I began to notice similarities among the political candidates I worked with. I also came to realize that not all of these people had been confident their entire lives. Sure, a couple had been, but many political candidates are continually building their confidence.
The secret about confidence is out. Anyone can be confident if they shift their mindset and constantly work at it.
You can be confident too.
As your confidence soars, you’ll stand out at work, easily carry on conversations at social events, meet more people and live a richer life.
Here are 6 ways you can boost your confidence to become the person you’ve always wanted to be:
1) Accept yourself for who you are.
The reason you’re not confident in yourself is that you don’t love and accept yourself.
It’s not your fault. Since your early days, you received conditioning from your parents and other adults who put you down and discouraged you.
You listened to negativity in the form of doubt and criticism.
You can’t go back and change the past, but you can avoid becoming a victim of it.
You can work on loving yourself. You can use positive affirmations that confirm all the wonderful things about yourself. You can remove negative people from your life.
You can treat yourself more kindly by finding work that suits you. You can find more inner peace by practicing gratitude and forgiveness daily.
You can feel your feelings and your pain more. You can embrace your vulnerabilities and manage the inner voice that halts your progress.
You can also live a more authentic life.
Live in line with your values and with what’s important to you as a person.
When you’re living your truth and not hiding behind a mask, you feel comfortable with yourself and present your true face to the world.
2) Delete the disempowering stories that you tell yourself.
In your mind, do you replay past mistakes, screw-ups and failures?
Do you unwittingly tell yourself that you are your past? And do you let past events create the belief system you hold today?
Consider past circumstances that you believe indicate you aren’t good enough, smart enough or competent enough.
Do you see how they were isolated situations? You’re not a failure just because you failed one time.
You’re not a reject if you faced rejection one time.
Acknowledge the stories you’ve created about yourself.
Know that the stories you tell about your lack of confidence are simply NOT TRUE.
You created the stories. You took individual situations, linked them together and created powerfully strong beliefs about yourself.
Once you realize it’s a story, you can change it. You can write the story of how, over time, you learned to be confident.
3) Change the script that goes through your mind.
Growing up, did you listen to parents and loved ones who put you down, doubted you and undermined you?
Or to teachers, authority figures and neighbors who thought they were mentoring you when they were actually destroying your self-worth?
People think they’re providing sound advice when they’re actually hurting you and creating an unhelpful script in your mind.
However, you can change this script.
Try a mindfulness practice that catches the various thoughts bouncing around your brain.
Try affirmations and neuro-linguistic programming to reprogram your subconscious mind.
Listen to positive, confidence-building words and statements to help you flip your internal script.
4) Get into a confidence zone.
Did you know you can enter a state of confidence?
Imagine that you’re in a drama class, and your instructor asks you to act like a confident person for a couple of minutes. Could you do it? How would you act? What would your confident behaviors be?
Would you change your body language? Your posture? Your stance? Would you stick out your chest a little more?
You know what confidence looks like.
You’ve met confident people and at different points in your life have been confident yourself. You’ve seen what confidence looks like in your favorite television characters and movie heroes.
Stand up straight. Take up more room around you. Walk with a beat in your step. Before you enter an interview or networking event, practice Amy Cuddy’s tips concerning power poses.
Channel and become the confident person you visualize yourself to be.
5) Take small steps of confidence.
You don’t change from a shy person to Mindy Kaling overnight.
The best way to build your confidence is to challenge yourself and take small steps of confidence.
Talk to someone you normally wouldn’t. Introduce yourself to a stranger at the next office party.
Raise your hand and your voice. Speak up at the meeting.
Attend that social event with a friend.
Take the smallest step you can think of to move toward confidence. One confident action builds upon another.
Chatting with someone new gives you the courage to talk to a small group of people. And speaking to a small group of people gives you the courage to get on a stage and deliver a speech to a larger audience.
6) Develop a healthy relationship with rejection and failure.
Often, we experience one rejection and think that we are permanent failures.
We to talk to one person and don’t have a positive experience.
We try to sell someone on our idea, and that person shoots it down.
A rejection here and a rejection there and before you know it, you’ve formed deep-rooted beliefs about yourself.
You start thinking you’re not worthy enough or good enough.
You believe other people don’t like or accept you.
You let a handful of negative opinions stifle your mind and your life.
No one likes rejection and no one likes to fail, but did you know that rejection is a normal part of life? And the fact that someone says “no” to you or turns down your request has nothing to do with you—it has to do with that person.
The most successful and confident people have taken rejection and brushed it aside. They see rejection simply as a part of life.
Instead of letting rejection paralyze you and undermine your self-worth, know that you win some and you lose some.
Sometimes you get what you want and sometimes you don’t. This is perfectly normal. Confident people are those who face rejection and failure over and over again.
The only difference between you and them is that they don’t let their confidence lapses and failures define them or slow them down. They use rejection and failure to keep growing.
A failure is not a failure if you learn from it. A failure can be a lesson.
Remember, confidence isn’t a trait only television stars or popular people have. It’s not a natural or innate quality that some people receive at birth.
Anyone can become confident if he or she is willing to work on it.
You can become confident by accepting yourself and changing your mind’s script. Take small confidence-boosting steps and work on confidence behaviors to become the confident person you’re capable of being.
Like you can’t be happy anymore because the love of your life has decided to move on without you?
Being Indian, I thought that ending my arranged marriage would be difficult. I had to deal with the Indian community’s aversion to divorce and with the fact that many people would speak ill of me for what happened in the marriage.
But the end of my marriage was not nearly as difficult as the end of a relationship I got into after my marriage.
See, I fell in love.
I met my boyfriend through a Meetup group. We started as friends with common interests, sharing our thoughts and taking part in activities together. We eventually developed feelings for each other and thought that we could take our relationship to the next level.
This relationship made me complete. My boyfriend had all the qualities I was looking for in a partner. He wasn’t judgmental and accepted me as I was. We had lots of fun together, did adventurous things and, most important of all, respected each other.
My family and friends were happy that this relationship was becoming what it was.
However, all of a sudden, our relationship changed.
My boyfriend started drifting away and wouldn’t spend time with me. He wouldn’t tell me what was bothering him.
We started having little arguments. Then he wanted to take a break for two weeks. I gave him all the time he needed, but he never came back. Finally, one day I spoke to him so that I could figure out what was going on. He just yelled at me and banged down the phone.
That’s when I realized that the mutual respect in our relationship no longer existed. I decided not to talk to him anymore. He tried to contact me a couple of times after that, but I decided it was best not to respond.
After my boyfriend broke up with me, my life fell apart.
I felt like my life was over.
I had lost myself and I didn’t know how to find myself again.
I used to crib to my close friends every day. They were consoling and soothing, but their efforts didn’t help much.
I used to sit on my bed, crying and cursing God for having made my life so miserable.
My heart was aching and I felt as though the whole world was against me because I hadn’t gotten what I wanted in life. I lost interest in work and didn’t talk to anyone.
Then one day, in the midst of this sadness, I browsed the news online.
I came across a random story about a girl who had passed away while travelling on a train.
A bomb blast had killed her. I was taken aback.
The girl, who had been hoping to surprise her family with beautiful and thoughtful gifts she had purchased with her first paycheck instead surprised them with the tragic news of her death.
I abruptly came to my senses as questions arose within me.
What am I doing with the wonderful life God has given me?
Is it worth brooding over the past, which is not in my control?
Shouldn’t I be grateful for all the privileges I have?
That’s when I realized that I have a lot of things left to do. I decided not to waste a single moment thinking about my past.
I would like to share a few tips to help you overcome the pain that you are going through and to heal your broken heart.
What do you do when the love of your life has ditched you?
12 ways to heal a broken heart
1. Find the love within you
When someone breaks up with you, you think you aren’t good enough.
I’ve found that the most effective remedy for a broken heart is to love yourself more.
Take note of your thoughts and actions and write about them in a journal. You will discover who you really are. When I started writing in my journal, about the way I feel toward others and myself, I realized how beautiful I am. I realized I was worthwhile and that if someone really wanted to be my partner, he had to deserve me.
This technique may sound weird, but believe me, it works. Stand in front of the mirror and kiss yourself for being such a nice person. Remind yourself that you’re a loving person and that you’re the best! I read this a while ago: “Falling in love with yourself first doesn’t make you selfish or vain; it makes you indestructible.”
2. Improve your health and you’ll change your life
When you’re in love, you don’t take note of what you eat, as you’re always on cloud nine. J
But after my breakup, I became more conscious of my health and fitness. I started paying more attention to what I ate.
I followed a strict health plan and started exercising more regularly.
Don’t you want to be fit and strong? I definitely would like to be; this goal boosts my confidence wherever I go.
3. Spend time with nature
There are lots of beautiful things in nature that we fail to appreciate.
Go for a run or a walk in the morning and you’ll feel energized.
Watch the sunrise and sunset and you’ll see the world from a very different perspective.
Read books in nature. Listen to the music that nature plays for you.
I love to spend time in nature; it refreshes my mind.
4. Experience the joy of words
Create a routine reading habit.
Reading helps you think about situations from a different perspective. It also helps you realize that so many people have experienced similar pain to you – or pain that’s even worse.
I read lots of blogs and articles, which inspires me to write in my own journal and blogs.
5. Avoid negativity
The most important thing in life is to avoid negativity.
When I say “negativity,” I mean not only negative thoughts but also negative people. Don’t associate with people who bring you down until you develop the courage to stand up to them and say, “Hey, you’re being negative and it’s not helping anyone.”
Just avoid them; what they think about you doesn’t matter. At the end of the day you must be happy. Only when you are happy will you live your best life.
I stopped talking to a few of my relatives who had been draining my energy. They accused me of not following the rules because I hadn’t remained in a marriage for life. I simply ceased talking to them, which has helped me avoid negativity.
Also, watch your thoughts. Any time a negative thought comes to mind, become aware of it and try to put a positive spin on it.
In a similar vein, don’t be the person who entertains negative thoughts and shares his or her negativity with others. Nobody wants to be around someone who keeps brooding about what has happened in his or her life.
Be the person people always want to be with.
My friends say they always get positive vibes from me. If they are stressed at work, they call me so that I can refresh them and help them attain a new perspective.
Work on developing a positive mindset so that you can encourage and help others in need.
6. Live your own life and be true to yourself
When you’re in love you unknowingly enter a prison. Your partner handcuffs you with his or her love and starts playing with your mind.
In a bad relationship, you might feel controlled or limited.
Don’t let anyone occupy your life to the point that you feel imprisoned.
You need your space. You need to continue doing the things you always do, regardless of your relationship.
Don’t let your relationships define you. Instead, let them enrich you.
Remember, you are more than your relationships.
7. Learn new things to enrich your life
New hobbies are interesting and take your mind off the sadness and pain you’re experiencing.
Take cooking lessons. Learn salsa dancing, classical music or a new language. Try to keep busy with activities that interest and challenge you.
Nowadays I don’t have time to think about what happened in my past. I don’t even realize that I went through heartbreak.
8. Create more “I, me and myself” time
Once in a while have some “I, me and myself” time.
I take time from my busy schedule and watch some good movies, or I simply stay in bed longer.
On this particular day, I go easy on myself. If I want to have ice cream for lunch, I do it. If I want to walk in the rain, I do it.
I take a longer shower, watch YouTube and dance to some new steps.
You will love this kind of day – celebrating you!
9. Don’t jump into another relationship
After a breakup, you might feel empty and believe that you must fill this void with another relationship.
This is the greatest mistake of all.
Don’t look for happiness in other people; happiness is within you.
It’s okay to be happy and alone.
Work on yourself before you work on a new relationship.
10. Transform your life
In any relationship, you will behave in a way that you later regret. Post-breakup is a good time to work on this.
After my breakup, I decided that my temper was something I should work on.
I started learning to control my temper in certain situations.
I became aware, read books and put steps into action.
Today, I don’t lose my temper at all and am proud of this change.
You likely have many small things that you fought about with your ex. You can’t change your ex and his or her personality, but you can improve your own behavior and qualities.
You can become a completely transformed person.
11. Live in the moment
Live in this moment.
You do not know what life has in store for you in the next moment.
Try to enjoy the gift of today instead of looking back at yesterday.
12. Spread the love
There is immense joy in helping others.
When you know that you are the reason for someone else’s smile, you’ll experience a type of happiness you can’t get anywhere else.
You can help someone learn to read or write. You can help someone get his or her education. You can be with someone when he or she needs you. You can buy food for a homeless person and fill his or her hunger.
Be of help!
In conclusion…
Every person has his or her own way of moving out of heartbreak.
The tips I mentioned have helped me become the person I am today – a person I’m proud of.
Believe me, if you are a self-made, resilient and inspiring person, you’ll attract people.
You never know…your ex might even come back to you, like my ex did. Of course, it’s up to you whether you want to be with the same person again. I chose not to.
Life is beautiful. Heal, transform and enjoy your life today.
Bio: Sri is a software consultant. She enjoys sharing her experiences to help others transform their lives. If you have comments or thoughts, you can email Sri at chatwithsri2013 @ gmail dot com.
Your parents have repeatedly evangelized since your birth: “Don’t embarrass us and shame us by becoming an author or an artist.”
“Don’t fall in love with someone you meet in your honors classes or at those Godless Ivy League colleges!?! unless maybe he’s a doctor…”
And most important: “Please, dear Bhagavan, don’t marry outside our caste and ruin our family name for generations.”
Huh?
As many of you know, the caste system (which divides people into different social classes) is alive and well, in India and around the world.
You’ve got the age-old Bollywood-movie question on your hands – what do you do when you’re madly in love with someone outside your caste?
When your heart screams, “Yes, by the grace of Krishna!” to your lover, but your parents scream, “Over my dead body!” and threaten to burn you alive.
Do you follow your heart and marry the man of your dreams (bringing tears, shame and disappointment to your family)?
Or do you squash your feelings and marry the person your Mummy and Daddy set you up with?
Your soul mate or your parents’ pride?
I myself fell in love with the person I wanted to marry, and stood resolute in my decision. But I had the benefit of marrying someone from my community which made the parental approval process much easier.
My parents still relented but ultimately, gave in.
In your case, the person you’ve fallen in love with might be from a different caste, culture or race. If you have a close-minded and intrusive family, you’ve got a problem on your hands.
Should you marry the love of your life or the man your parents love?
Why marry the love of your life?
You know yourself best. You base your decisions on your heart and your intuition. You know what’s right for you, and every fiber of your being is saying that this is the guy you want.
You want to choose your own Subway toppings man. The power of freedom and choice. Your parents have never let you buy your own clothes or pick your own toppings at Subway. They’ve controlled your life. They love you and they know what’s best for you. That’s why they’ve “helped” you make every decision in your life. But enough is enough. You want to make at least one major, life-altering decision. You want the option of living with the person you’ll spend every day of your life with.
He’s your soul mate. He shows up in the middle of the night with boba tea. He zooms across town at any hour to mend your heart. He stays up late to video chat with you. He’d throw himself in front of a bullet train to declare his love for you (so long as the train’s stopped, of course).
You know yourself enough to realize that he’s the one for you. He’s your Shah Rukh Khan, Aamir Khan and Hrithik Roshan all rolled up into one.
Why marry the man of your dreams parents’ dreams?
I’ve written an extensive post about the benefits of arranged marriages here, but let me now get right to the point about how marrying within your caste might be a good life decision.
Love is fleeting. Research says that the release of dopamine leads to feelings of infatuation with your lover. This chemical infatuation doesn’t last long: from a few months to three years.
Chemical-induced love will not save the day. Shared values, compatibility and similar relationship goals ensure wedded bliss. These are the things your family knows about.
Love can blind you to the things that make for long-term relationships, including your partner’s kindness and generosity (traits that research has proven make marriages last).
You stay alive and so do your parents. They won’t kill you, which is a major plus. They also won’t take their own lives by overdosing on medication, suffering heart attacks or falling down a flight of stairs in pure horror. They won’t sue you.
You’ll save them from becoming social outcasts and recluses who lock themselves in their homes so that they don’t have to talk about a child who went rogue and committed the crime of inter-caste marriage.
They know the things that truly matter in life. While you focus on his eyes and his height, your parents will conduct a top-to-bottom, your-life-depends-on-it background check. They’ll find your beau’s DNA information, bank records and property holdings, and also search for mental illness in his family.
They’ll inquire about your future spouse’s family: their emotional states, psychological states, financial states and spiritual affairs. Through an elaborate system of snooping, gossiping and legal investigation, they’ll determine how compatible you and he will be. They’ll ensure your values match and your tastes align, and that he can afford the type of lifestyle they want for you.
The wedding’s on the house. (The gifts and the whiskey flow freely.) Marry the person you love, who is outside your caste, and you’ll be lucky if anyone in your family attends your wedding.
Marry the person your parents love and you can bet that every relative and quasi- relative will be there. Won’t such an affair cost tens of thousands of dollars?
No worries. When you take the plunge on your family’s terms, they bear the costs and the bling. They pick up the tab. It’s a small price to pay for a priceless gift: a golden family name.
On top of all this, don’t forget about the opulent gifts and bundles of pounds/dollars you’ll rake in.
Here are 6 questions to help you decide between “love” marriage and marriage to someone from the same caste:
1) How important is family to you?
How close are you to your parents and your extended family? Do you value your relationship with them and need their constant presence in your life? Have you always had a close and loving relationship with them, or has your relationship been rocky and strained?
Can you make it without your family’s financial and emotional support? Is it okay if your family doesn’t support your marital decision? Are you willing to sacrifice your relationship with your parents for the person you love?
2) How experienced are you in relationships?
Is this the first relationship you’ve had? How confident are you that this man is the one? Have you had previous relationships that you can compare your current relationship to, determining what works and what doesn’t?
How well do you know yourself?
Are you trying to get out of a bad situation in terms of your parents’ constant presence in your life? Are you really in love and committed to the person you’re dating, or are you simply trying to escape your parents?
3) Can you wait it out?
What’s the rush? Can you give yourself a little more time?
If your parents are insisting that you get married, can you find excuses to stall your nuptials?
Time will give you more perspective about the relationship you’re in. Is this the person you want to be with, the right person for you?
Time will also help your parents take deep breaths and calm down. It will give them the ability to determine whether they actually hate your non-caste suitor or whether they can hold their noses and accept the relationship.
Will they be able to let go of their judgments and hostile behavior toward your man? Probably not, but anything is possible over time.
4) What does your gut feeling say?
Your intuition is important, but so many contradictory thoughts flood it that you don’t know what it’s saying anymore.
Is your ego trying to make a point? Do your thoughts revolve around standing up to your parents and showing them that you can make decisions on your own?
Does this relationship feel right or do you just want to be right?
If your gut feeling is telling you that the relationship you’re in is not the right one, will you be willing to listen to that voice?
Listen to your intuition, but more importantly, make sure what you’re listening to is actually your intuition. If it’s saying the opposite of what your mind or your boyfriend says, be willing to trust and respect your intuition.
Imagine your older and wiser self. Visualize yourself and this relationship 20 years down the road. What do you see? What does this relationship look like when you visualize it?
5) How compatible are you with the person you love?
Is your current relationship filled with compassion, kindness and generosity? Or are you constantly feeling as though your partner doesn’t hear you and that you’re continually pushing and pulling?
Are you fighting and bickering all the time?
Are you with your partner because of your heart, or because you’re looking for an escape?
Does this relationship work?
Do you have shared values? Mutual interests? The same long-term goals?
Do you see happiness, or red flags and signs of danger?
6) Are you choosing this person out of spite or out of love?
Are you certain you’re with this person because you have strong feelings for him?
Or, once again, are you trying to prove a point to your parents? Are you choosing your suitor simply out of spite?
Is this an act of love for your sweetheart or an act of revenge against your parents?
It’s something to think about.
In conclusion…
Your intuition knows what’s right for you.
And sometimes it may tell you that the person you think is the love of your life isn’t the person for you. Listen to this strong voice within, even if it doesn’t give you the answer you want.
Remember that, in life, nothing is permanent. As much as your parents insist that marriage is a life-long decision and as much as you believe that this decision is for eternity, know that nothing is permanent. People make mistakes. And things fall apart.
I’m not saying that the decision you make will be a disaster and that you’ll be miserable the rest of your life.
I’m saying that this is a big decision, but not a life-or-death one. If you choose your lover and the relationship fails, you’ll find a way to get through the breakup and move past it.
If you choose the partner your parents pick and the relationship doesn’t work, you’ll go through some pain, but you’ll get through it and move on.
You don’t know if the person you’re marrying today will be the same person in ten years. Change happens. Couples divorce. Couples break up.
You can’t see your future, but you can maintain a healthy perspective toward love and relationships.
Forget passion-filled Hollywood romances and sentimental, slightly neurotic ‘til-death-do-us-part Bollywood marriages.
Make the best decision you can under the circumstances you’re facing.
Check with your intuition and make a decision you feel good about.
I help people overcome their devastating breakups and divorces and find love again. Instead of visiting the Himalayas, sign up below and join me. I am taking a writing break but will be back soon.
This guide is free. A ticket to the Himalayas is $2000. Your move.
