This post is dedicated to all the Indian kids out there who are being raised by over-bearing and abusive parents. (I write this for you with love and understanding, compassion and hope for healing)
Yes, those of you who suffering in the care and control of their parents. (And even adults who survived a detrimental childhood)
No, you’re not being beaten (some of you are) or starved (some of you are) or locked up in solitary confinement (some of you are), but you are being emotionally beaten down every single day of your life.
You’re called names (including animals like “donkey” or “cow” and other animals found in Southeast Asia) and often the worst insults imaginable.
You’re told that you shouldn’t have been born or that it would be better if you were dead.
You’re told that you are the result of bad karma from a past life.
You’re told that it was your parents’ ill fate to have given birth to you. You are their life’s biggest mistake. You’re unworthy, incompetent, useless and dumb. There’s something wrong with your mind, weight, height, or even skin color!!
You’re not good, not good enough and something is inherently wrong with you as a person.
Yelled at, screamed at, compared to others, verbally assaulted, bullied, threatened to be sent back to India, threatened to be sent to live with relatives.
Told you’re not loved, not wanted, not worthy and that you do not make your parents proud.
You’re compared to your friends, compared to your family members and compared to random Indian kids who win spelling bees, receive Harvard acceptance letters or get nominated to a federal judgeship.
If you think I’m reading your mind and your life, I’m not. I had a very similar experience growing up in this kind of environment.
Although different today, the impact of my childhood has been scarring.
And it’s not just Indian people! Many Asian cultures have seen this type of abusive parenting. You may be in Nepal, Bangladesh, Pakistan, Indonesia, Singapore, Vietnam, Thailand, Korea, Cambodia or Laos. You could be in Saudi, Egypt, Iran, Iraq or Turkey. Or hey, you might even live in the States or Britain, but still have experienced this kind of parenting style.
Whatever it is, I’m here to offer some thoughts to help you heal, survive and live with your parents for the few more years you have left under their care. Or even help you cope with them in your adult years.
I’m not only going to explain why our parents are so unconscious, but what we can do about it. How do we cope? Or tolerate the abuse? How do we move forward? For more information, check out out my book on this topic:
I do know plenty of emotionally healthy, loving and supportive Indian parents, so let me not throw all of them under the bus.
One way to understand why some parents are so Mao Zedong-like in their child-rearing behaviors is to understand what made them this way.
Only once you know some of the reasons for your parents’ insanity can you begin the process of understanding, coping with, healing from and surviving their dominion.
A place of scarcity. Your parents came from difficult conditions filled with struggle and often did not have enough growing up. They want more now because of their struggle, poverty or difficult circumstances growing up.
Insanity of their own parents. More than likely they are products of their own parents, who were oppressive, coercive, and ruled with an iron fist. They herded their children like cows and instilled fear in them like a deadly cobra.
Insecurity and fear. They are unsure of themselves, so they worry about you. They are afraid of the world and thus, worry about you. They hate conflict, change and instability. They do everything they can to limit the number of changes they have to face. They don’t like anyone rocking the boat, and you seem to have a penchant for doing just that.
Competition mindset. Because of this culture of scarcity, they are in a constant state of competition. They compete with others in their community, others who speak the same language, and even with their children. You’re in a competition with all the other Indian kids they know – they’re regularly comparing and measuring you up against someone else.
Protecting the family name. Indian parents care a bit too much about something. It’s a disease, really, a disease with no cure. They care how they are seen by the people they know: their reputation. They are sure as hell not going to let you ruin that.
Protecting traditions, and you’d better get married to a boy from the community! You’re not going to screw up hundreds of years of tradition. Your great-great-grandfather was a maharaja of the Mughal empire, a priest for the wealthiest merchants or advocates in the highest British courts. Each generation married spouses within their own caste, and you have no right to mess with these traditions.
Your parents are the gatekeepers and prison guards of tradition – you will be protected and safeguarded until, and only until, you’re wedded off to a suitable boy with great character (or more likely, a nerdy doctor with generations of family wealth living in America).
Bollywood movies. The insanity of cinema makes your parents act irrationally, illogically and overly-sentimental. Our parents have gotten so hooked on fictional movies and Bollywood masala that they play out the feelings and sentiments of those movies in real life.
(You never know – it could be the reverse. The silver screen might just be copying the real-life emotional dramas of a typical Indian family).
“We own you” mindset. Indian parents don’t think of themselves as your caretaker. They were brought up to believe that they own you. Your success is their success. Your achievement is their achievement. Your failure is theirs. Your income is theirs. So is your house.
Guilt. Indian parents operate on large sums of guilt, a gift from their own parents. They constantly feel like they’re not enough, not doing enough and haven’t given enough to their children. They feel guilty towards their extended families, guilty towards their parents, guilty with themselves.
“We want you to do better than us.” Many parents want their children to do better than they did. They made a decent life for themselves in a new country (or even in the old country) with struggle and hard work while supporting you and your siblings. The minimum they want is your success. Your success would have made all the struggles worth it, in their minds.
Our old age depends on your success. They are constantly living their lives close to death. They’re wondering who’s going to be there for them when they are old and sick. It consumes their minds – they need you to be stable and successful so they can live with you and inconvenience you to take them to medical appointments.
Pride. Pride is mixed in with ego. Like I said, your success is their success. You are literally their pride, joy and life. Your parents love to brag and show you off – nothing more than bragging and showing off a product they created. Your success makes them feel on top of the world. Your failures make them feel like failures. You are very VERY personal to them.
They way they see it, you are them!
How to deal with abusive tiger parents?
So, now that you know some of the reasons they are who they are, what can be done about it?
Tiger parents, who happen to be strict disciplinarians and emotionally abusive, are difficult to stop.
All the power is with them. If you’re under 18, they are providing your food and shelter. They practice verbal abuse, emotional abuse and emotional blackmail.
For everything you say or do, they have a cruel and hostile response.
They are determined to control your life and ensure you conform to their every expectation.
Here are 18 tips to help you deal with your abusive parents.
Not all this advice will apply to every situation, but you’ll have to use the tips that you believe can best help you cope.
1. Expressing yourself. Although this is a very difficult thing to do, you can express how you feel to your parents.
Take out your own anger and frustration when you talk to them. Try to have an objective discussion in a conversational tone where you express to them how their actions are hurting you.
Try to write down how you’re feeling and give it to them in a letter.
Get another adult, neighbor or elder family member involved and express to them how you’re being treated at home. Do this at your own risk, since outing your parents publicly and giving light to their abuse will make them go berserk. Prepare for irrational and furious responses most of the time.
Caveat – no need to express yourself regarding topics that infuriate or make them angry. Don’t talk to your parents to provoke a fight with them – some topics are better left untouched.
Avoid harsh words, accusations and abuse by choosing to stay quiet on unimportant and trivial matters. Avoid arguments you know you can’t win or conversations that will end in a blow up.
2. Know you’re not alone. Many others, including myself, have survived our parents’ child-rearing. When you make it out of childhood and young adulthood alive, you can reflect more clearly on the experience of having lived with your parents.
You’ll realize that they didn’t know any better and didn’t understand what they were doing.
You are not the first or last person to experience these kinds of difficulties at home.
Many people have experienced this type of abuse, figured out a way to make peace with it and used this difficult part of their lives to accomplish good things. I’ve written an entire book on how to make peace with this kind of abuse which you can pick up here. The pain can be used for good later in your life. It can give you coping skills and strength for other difficult situations.
It’s a lesson in adversity.
You are walking a path that many have walked before you – you’re not alone. We’ve survived it, and you can too.
3. Find someone who understands. There’s nothing wrong with you.
You’re not inadequate, dumb or incompetent.
You’re the child of abusive parents, that’s it. Parents who don’t know any better.
To help remind you that you’re not defective or deficient in any way, share your experiences with someone who understands. A good friend to talk things over, a sibling who can empathize, or a family member you trust are all good people to confide in.
If you have the means, and especially if you’re an adult, consider counseling. In the U.S., this is not very taboo, but it does seem to be in other parts of the world.
Get hold of a counselor to support you or a professional to help you be emotionally resilient, find healthy ways to deal with your parent’s behavior, and try to reduce the detrimental impact of your parents on your emotional and mental life.
4. Boost your personal development, character and behavior.
While you can’t change your parents, their attitude or behavior, you have a priceless opportunity to work on yourself.
I know I know – they are the problem and are the source of the greatest pain in your life.
But Viktor Frankl reminds us that, “when we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
In the depths of your frustration and helplessness, all you can do is try to find ways to make self improvements and become a better person yourself.
While your parents are angry and abusive, you can learn how to release the anger in your life and treat others better.
While they view you with scorn, you can to find compassion within yourself.
While they are disrespectful and crude, you can be loving and forgiving.
You can intentionally and purposefully start changing your behavior, attitude and reaction to your parents’ wild ways.
Surround yourself with positive people, books and messages. Even blogs and inspiring Ted talks online. While your parents may be poisoning your ears with insults and throwing darts at your soul, choose to combat their impact by proactively spending time around positive people and messages.
Inspirational messages by inspirational and resilient people can help you stay in good spirits.
Use the internet and books to mold yourself into a new person. Work on your personal growth and character in the face of the storm.
5. Live in the present moment. Yes, they hurt you yesterday and the day before that and many many other days. But look at the moment that you have now and try to live for that moment. When you’re not feeling their wrath or their putdowns, they are not hurting you in that moment. Embrace that moment.
Try to not let the past hurts and pain have a snowball effect on you, creating something you have to deal with every day.
Take it day by day and moment by moment. Don’t let the past repeat in your mind after it’s gone.
6. Change your internal game. You can’t control your parents, what they say or what they do, but you can control what you’re feeling and thinking on the inside. You’ll have to take everything they say and do and reframe their words, intentions and actions.
What they are saying is not what they really mean.
They want to say they love you and support you, but don’t know how to voice that. They would if they were programmed differently.
You have to fill in a lot of the blanks for yourself. You have to feel those things that your parents are not showing, fill in the blanks for the words they don’t say and the actions they don’t take.
For every damaging comment and insult they hurl, you can try to give yourself a different meaning of it or change the context for yourself. Try to be understanding and empathetic of their behavior, as challenging as it may be. They are challenging you to be your highest and most spiritual self.
It’s not entirely their fault – they are the product of their parents, culture and Indian mindset.
7. Journaling. Finding ways to express your feelings is a helpful way to deal with the rejection, pain and hurt that your parents are causing you.
While you may not have access to a professional therapist while you’re still living under their roof, find ways to write out your frustration, anger and pain.
You can use a journal to try to listen and write down what they’ve said, why it’s not true and what your feelings are about the nature of the critical remarks. Counter their remarks with your version of the truth. Counter their abusive words with positive ones.
8. Know your time is limited. You only have so much time left with your parents. Know that you won’t spend an entire lifetime with them, but only a few short years before you get out of their domain.
This is similar to surviving torture or any unpleasant situation. Find ways to cope and wait it out. The parents who rule your life now will not do so forever.
9. Practice self-love. I have an entire eBook on this, but acknowledge that your feelings will be hurt, your confidence affected and your self-esteem ruined by living with your parents. How do you love yourself while you are surrounded by negativity?
Spend the time that you have working on accepting, loving and being compassionate with yourself. If you aren’t feeling the love and emotional support at home, you’ll have to find ways to cultivate your love for yourself from within.
10. Take the high road. Be willing to forgive, understand and love your parents, knowing that they really have no idea what they’re doing. As I’ve explained above, you know why they’re acting the way they are.
Really, they just want the best for you. It may be for all the wrong reasons, but they want you to live up to your potential. Having parents that are missing from your life or don’t care about you could be worse.
They yell, scream and criticize as a strange and unusual way of showing you love. They believe that you’ll thank them one day for the discipline and encouragement they’ve given you, not realizing how much damage they are causing you.
Chose to act from a place of wisdom and let go of their trespasses on your life.
11. Forgiveness. Knowing some of the reasons that your parents are they way they are, you have to start with forgiveness. As difficult as it might be, you have to forgive for one major reason. Your parents are already hurting you by attacking you and making you feel bad. You are only adding insult to injury by allowing them to hurt you even more when you confront them with anger.
Forgive. Not for their sake, but for your own.
The quicker you forgive, the quicker you’ll be releasing any resentment and pent up anger you’ve built up. Forgiveness is the key to your peace.
12. Take on the challenge. If your parents are overly critical about a certain area of your life like school or grades or your health, challenge yourself to improve in that area of your life.
Show them that you can do better – turn it up a notch just so they’ll leave you alone. And hey, when you’re the CEO of Microsoft, you just might thank them for the discipline and abuse!
13. Ignore and retreat. Let the harmful words your parents are spewing out go in through one ear and out the other.
Realize that the negativity and criticism are your parents’ issue, not yours. Try to not take anything they say personally. If you do take it personally, refute each putdown and critical comment with a positive one. Come up with reasons and logic that are contrary to what they’re telling you.
Try to reduce the amount of face time you have with your parents. If you have projects and homework, work on them in a locked room. Spend time at friends’ houses and volunteer to do things that will take you anywhere out of the house.
Look out for what you say and do that sets your parents off. Are you provoking them in some way? Is there one part of your life that makes them angrier than others? Do you say things that infuriate them? Be aware of what the big blow ups in your life are about and try to take precautions to avoid certain topics or behaviors with your parents. .
14. Cultivate spiritual practices. They can say things to you, harm you emotionally or try to hurt you in other ways (in hopes of motivating you to do what they want). What they can’t do is disturb your inner calm.
Seek out spiritual practices like meditation, yoga, and mindfulness practices to be in tune with yourself. Go deep within and release the pain that you’re confronting. Transform the tears and pain into love and healing.
The words may reach your ears, but refuse to let them destroy your spirit.
You can try to embrace the pain and suffering caused by your parents. Feel it, hold it, and let the negativity bathe over you. By being present with the pain and mindful of the caustic words they use, you’ll be able to let go of the sting of their behavior.
15. Learn the lessons. What could this possibly be teaching you in life?
Is there any merit to what your parents are saying to you? Definitely not!
Is there any underlying value to living with caustic and bitter people? Maybe?
Are you learning how to deal with difficult, rude and belligerent individuals? Absolutely!
Ask yourself if your parents are your greatest lesson and try to determine what lessons you can learn from their words and behavior. What can you learn from their unconsciousness?
Will you treat others differently? Will you be a much different kind of parent?
16. Be thankful. While you may absolutely despise them for their cruelty, there are things in the past and present that you should be extremely grateful for.
Your parents have made sacrifices, worked hard and put food on the table for you.
They may have done touching, considerate and even kind things for you.
They may have taken care of you in illness, treated you to a special birthday, celebrated you in some way, spoken well of you to friends and family.
When you chose to focus on the smallest amount of gratitude towards your parents, you will lift the weight of all the negativity and hurt that your parents are causing you. A little gratitude just might help you seem them in a more positive light.
17. Try kindness. Your parents may appear to be irrational, insensitive and callous people.
Challenge them and fight them, and they will continue to make your life even more hellish.
Trying to appease them, love them and be kind to them might, just might, get them to stop, or at least take it easier on you.
18. Use your imagination. This last tip could be Walt Disney-like, but it could help and just might save the day.
How is your imagination? If you’re creative or have a lively imagination, use it to your advantage. Imagine you’re not living at home and experiencing the daily berating and spouts of anger.
Use your imagination as an escape. Imagine you’re a pirate traveling the world, Huckleberry Finn on an adventure, or riding Aladdin’s magic carpets.
Allow yourself to escape the mental and emotional torture by visualizing being in an entirely different place. A voracious reading habit can also help you take your mind to a more peaceful and happy place.
Family dynamics are a difficult thing. When we interact and are with those closest to us, we experience many emotional wounds and pain.
To cope, try some of the strategies above. Remember at the end of the day that regardless of who does what to you, you ultimately have the power to decide how you’re going to react.
You can set aside the pain, anger and self-loathing to choose forgiveness and love.
Your parents may have trouble expressing their love for you, but you have the ability to practice empathy and understanding and reciprocate with kindness.
You can choose the high road, embrace the lessons from this relationship and prepare for better days ahead, because it will get better.
I want you to know that healing is possible and you can overcome the scars left by your parents. You can read more in this book I wrote for you here:
“A bird doesn’t sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.” Maya Angelou
I wanted to have a baby.
I don’t mean me personally, but you get it – to father a child (Modern medicine hasn’t quite allowed men to carry another human yet!!).
At one time in my life, not too long ago, the desire to have a baby was a life priority for me. And not having a child was a serious loss in my life. I can’t tell you why I wanted one or if I was ready to have been a father, but it seemed like the right thing to do.
After not having a child in my life, I was fraught with disappointment and sadness.
My marriage ended. There was no baby in sight. This image of a laughing child in my dreams became blurrier and more distant than ever.
I could have been devastated by a dream lost but I have chosen to follow a different path.
Believing that everything happens for a reason, I let go of my attachment to this unborn child.
I let go of my desire to have a child.
I let go of my timeline to have a child.
And most importantly, I let go of my desire to know if a child was in my future or not (the demands, expectations and urge to know and make plans).
Over the last couple of years, I’ve gone through this arduous personal development journey, many parts of which I write about, realizing that I may not have been the ideal father in the first place, or much less a prepared one or even a competent one.
If I wasn’t emotionally healthy myself, nor had the patience or ability to care for a baby, was I really ready to be a parent?
A baby then would have been ill-served having me as their father.
Since the time that the possibility of a baby abruptly disappeared from my life, I chose to forge ahead without knowing what the future holds.
Instead of being stuck to a specific timeline over something I have no control over, I spent a lot of time with my adorable baby nephews and try to visit them at every chance I get.
My nephew and I.
Not knowing my future brought me to where I am today.
I’ve had similar experiences with my career path.
I had NO IDEA what I wanted to do with my life in college. Like many students, I didn’t have the answers to what my future held or what I should be doing with my life.
I never received any clear calls from the Gods as to my life vocation. (But my Indian parents did call me a lot to let me know about the benefits of becoming a doctor – service to humanity and beach-front property!)
What do you do when you don’t know what the future holds?
Well, I did something that I was weak at and wanted to improve on. Public speaking. Although I enjoyed writing speeches and speaking in public, it wasn’t my strongest point. I spoke too fast, sometimes too slow and I never understood the mechanics of effective public speaking.
Near campus, I joined a Toastmasters group which was dedicated to helping people improve their public speaking skills. I participated in this professional group for 3 years, being the only student in the group.
I never knew exactly where public speaking would take me the entire time I was in Toastmasters.
It was only when I was nearing graduation, when having the public speaking skills and confidence inspired me to consider going into law (That and my parents who had sadly come to terms with the fact that I wasn’t going to be a doctor).
Ultimately, law was not a career I stuck with. On the plus side though, my legal background has brought me to a place where I am able to speak in front of large groups of people. Whether it’s at a community meeting, workshop or even a family get-together, I have no hesitation when standing up to speak.
My point is that I had no idea what I wanted to do but I forged ahead anyway, without knowing the answers.
Doing something that interested me and helped me improve, like public speaking, is now an integral part of my destiny.
How do you move forward when you don’t know how or when you’ll get there?
How do you create the life that you’ve been envisioning and the life your heart seems to be longing for?
When you feel like your whole life has turned upside down and you’re a long way from living the dreams you created in your mind years ago, it’s easy to feel paralyzed.
When you feel frustrated by your life’s current circumstances or just plain stuck, you might feel like throwing your hands up in the air and saying, “I give up”.
Your career isn’t moving along. You have no idea where your business is going. Your partner isn’t showing up. The baby you’ve bought baby clothes for isn’t quite here yet.
I notice that many of us tend to clutch to our end goals. When we cling on to the desired outcome, we are left with the feeling of not having achieved it. We feel a lacking in our lives.
But fortunately, you don’t have to be paralyzed by the thoughts of not achieving your dreams. Nor do you have to feel frustrated by the lack of movement in your life.
Instead of being stuck on the fact that you don’t have what you want, try this.
1. Be OK with not knowing.
Be perfectly comfortable in not knowing the answers or having clarity in your life.
Let waves of uncertainty and confusion wash over you without attaching yourself to the frustration of not knowing.
Practice sitting with uncertainty. Learn to be comfortable not knowing the answers of where your journey is going to take you.
2. Do something. Anything at all.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step,” declared Chinese philosopher, Lao Tzu.
Whatever your dream or desire is, take some small steps daily towards that goal without being paralyzed by or fixated on the end result.
Meet people if you want to be in a relationship. You don’t need to meet “the one” today.
Look for a compatible partner who also wants children if you’re firmly set on having kids.
Start learning new skills, attending more training, do some volunteer work or freelancing if you are keen on transitioning into a completely different industry.
Take small concrete steps towards your goal.
Bombay wasn’t built in a day. It was built one brick at a time, over centuries.
3. Listen intently.
As you’re taking small steps and moving forward, listen to your soul’s messages. Your feelings and your inner voice will be conveying messages to you.
You’ll hear these messages through your mind’s subtle messages, repeated internal thoughts or feelings that will guide you in a certain direction.
The inner voice, or intuition, will sometimes tell you to continue. Or it may tell you to stop. Alternatively, it may advise you to change your game plan. Or to perhaps even to abandon your dream.
It might convince you that something that you’re chasing isn’t right for you and you’ll be better off with something else.
Whatever it is, be mindful of your inner voice and be willing to listen to it.
4. Be open to life’s gifts and timelines.
No, you may not get exactly what you want and at the time you want it.
Instead of demanding a certain result at a certain time, be open to whatever it is that unfolds before you.
If Prince Harry doesn’t knock, but a short banker with a stable job and a loyal spirit does, open the door!
If your dream job working for Facebook doesn’t materialize, consider the job at the small start-up as an opportunity to learn and grow.
Be open, be patient, and be confident knowing what is meant for you will come to you in due course.
5. Every circumstance is a lesson in disguise.
Although you’re not getting what you want right now, know that every situation has a message for us.
Every life circumstance can become our teacher.
If you start viewing every twist, turn and hiccup as an opportunity and lesson, instead of an unfulfilled dream, you’ll have a much healthier and happier journey forward.
Ask yourself what a delay means?
Or what can it teach you?
Where is the blessing in this circumstance?
What can you be grateful for right now?
There is a soulful tranquility about not knowing what the future holds and simply being OK with it.
Embrace uncertainty and welcome the magic of possibilities unfolding in your life.
Your ability to manage the unknown can be the ultimate source of your strength and wisdom in life.
We all go through dark and scary times in our lives. Here are some of the most uplifting quotes to give you strength and inspiration during the dark and difficult times.
Please find 21 quotes that will inspire you to keep hope alive and your spirits high.
“Life is not always a matter of holding good cards, but sometimes, playing a poor hand well.” Jack London
“I’m not afraid of storms for I am learning to sail my ship.” Louisa May Alcott
“Colors come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunlit sky.” Rabindranath Tagore
“The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” Nelson Mandela
“Getting knocked down in life is a given, getting up and moving forward is a choice.” Zig Ziglar
“Kites rise highest against the wind, not with it.” Winston Churchill
“It is often hard to distinguish the hard knocks in life and those of opportunity.” Frederick Phillips
“The beautiful thing about setbacks is they introduce us to our strengths.” Robin Sharma
“Breakdowns can create breakthroughs. Things fall apart so things can fall together.” Unknown
“Seeds of faith are always within us; sometimes it takes a crisis to nourish and encourage their growth.” Susan Taylor
“I am not what has happened to me, I am what I chose to become.” Carl Jung
“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.” Douglas Adams
“Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations.” Author Unknown
“Sometimes the wrong train can take us to the right place.” Paulo Coelho
“At any given moment, you have the power to say: This is not how the story is going to end.” Christine Mason Miller
“Sometimes we fall down because there’s something down we’re supposed to find.” Unknown
“Courage is not the towering oak that sees storms come and go; it is the fragile blossom that opens in the snow”. Alice Mackenzie Swaim
“You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.” Zig Ziglar
“Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.” Desmond Tutu
“Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.” Unknown
“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.” Martin Luther King, Jr.
If you enjoyed these quotes, please share on Facebook, Twitter, Google + or your favorite social media sites. Thank you!
“Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear.” George Addair
Plunking your feet up on a hammock on a sandy beach in the Maldives and sipping on coconut water.
Relaxing.
Snorkeling at Lord Howe Island in New South Wales, Australia with 500 species of fish and 90 coral species in nature’s paradise.
Easy.
Facing your fears and going for your dreams? Not so much.
Although you may have a dream that has captured your heart, it’s easier dreaming about starting a business, making it in Hollywood or becoming a fully-fledged doctor than actually doing something about it.
Making a dream come alive is hard work. Sometimes very hard work, because it’s fraught with the resistance of our fears.
My path to my dreams.
A few yeas ago when I was practicing law, I decided that I wanted to start my own practice: my own legal office providing services to clients primarily online. Of course, once the idea took hold of my heart, I was quite resistant to it.
How could I start my own practice? What did I know about business? How confident was I in my own skills? How effective would an Internet-based law office be?
The fears started bombarding me on a daily basis.
Despite facing my deepest fears of failure and uncertainty about how well this online law firm would turn out, I forged ahead.
I planned ahead, took small steps, found a mentor, established a website, sent out newsletters, got clients and started earning money to support myself. I soon left my day job and transitioned to my online legal practice full-time.
The journey was long and arduous. And scary. Making ends meet, supporting myself and being able to re-invest profits in the business every few months was nerve-wracking.
I’m happy to say that I continued this business for a couple of years and successfully closed the practice. I had achieved moderate success and was running an established business, but I was beginning to feel that the law wasn’t quite fitting in with my values in life.
I went back to a day job and let go of the anxiety of working for myself. I’m really proud of this experience because I was able to show myself that I could do what I had feared.
Fast forward a few years later to this very blog you’re reading now.
Another life-long dream was beginning to pester me. Throughout my life, I had been drawn to the world of personal development and spirituality. I had learned many concepts and studied various methods of self-improvement (and I had a lot to say about them).
I had been coaching friends and collegues on various issues related to confidence, courage and following their dreams. I noticed that that much of the advice I was giving to one person applied to others as well.
I decided to start a personal development and spirituality blog to help people on their life journeys to overcoming fears, finding their callings and cultivating the courage to live their dreams.
Guess what happened again?
Those inner voices of resistance. Who will read your blog? What do you really know about personal development? How could you ever be in a space that successful bloggers like Leo Babauta, Celestine Chua and Farnoosh Brock had already occupied?
Despite these fears and doubts, I forged ahead again. After a couple years of studying and planning for my blog debut, I launched the blog. It’s been a uphill challenging journey once again. I’ve had moments of self-doubt, instances I wanted to quit, thoughts that made me doubt my ability to write this blog and my purpose for doing so in the first place.
There were posts that no one commented on. Posts that no one shared. Writer’s block. Rewrites to my about page. Rewrites to my tagline. Rewrites to what my blog was about.
The blog was this ever-evolving process and I felt like I was in the dark most of the time, but nearly 2 ½ years later, I have some positive developments to report.
There are more than 600 people who have signed up to read my mostly weekly updates. (What do you mean, why not every week? When else would I find time to binge-watch Oprah’s Super Soul Sundays and attend month-long meditation retreats in search of enlightenment and good vegan food? Never. Exactly.)
More than a few thousand people make their way to my blog every month and actually find it useful, practical, or hey, at least entertaining!
People write me messages like this one I received below on Twitter, which I’m inspired by and grateful for.
In addition to a good readership and some of my writing resonating with people, I took this life-changing life coaching course with my spiritual guru, life coach, Tim Brownson, to learn the ins and outs of coaching. Tim helped me take some of the life lessons I had learned and my passion for self-improvement to teach me effective techniques and strategies to coach others.
I learned the art of powerful questions, how to reframe and reshape our lives and the absolute brilliance of getting clear on values in our lives. Tim gave me the tools, the courage and the confidence to start coaching others.
So a few months ago, I added a coaching page to the blog and now coach clients around the world on how to live more courageously, get through difficult transitions in their lives, and live their dreams.
No, it’s not my full-time job (yet), but I am on my way there. I’m overcoming my fears (even as we speak) by telling you that I’m doing this work. I’ve been reluctant to tell even you – my readers – that I now offer coaching because I’ve been afraid of what you’d think, if you’d think I could really help you or if you could really benefit from my coaching.
This is despite the fact that I’ve coached dozens of people in my life in various capacities. I ran a college admissions consulting business and coached young people on discovering their dreams and pursuing degrees that most fit with their goals. I’ve coached my legal clients through issues that had nothing to do with law, political candidates on matters far outside politics, and friends who have sought me out as their own life coach and advisor.
In pursuit of this dream, I’ve had to fight my fears and my doubts. And as you can hopefully see from the progression of this blog, I’ve been able to walk through some of fear’s tricky behavior.
It’s not been easy. It’s taken hard work to write more than 100,000 words of content, guest blog on other blogs, sit up morning and night to commit to building this community and business.
But this is the price of a dream.
Dream-catching has also required a daily stand-off with fears and uncertainties that have plagued me: ”What am I doing? Am I capable of doing this? Is this ever going anywhere?”
I am here to tell you mid-journey, I’m doing it. I’m living the dream. Yes, I had to create it, but it can be done. I’m here to remind you that you can do it too if you decide to come to terms with the barriers that are detracting you from living your dreams and keeping you stuck. Principally, your fears.
And as you can imagine, having worked through some of my fears and reflected on how I dealt with them, I’d like to offer you a handful of practical strategies to help you work through your fears and achieve your dreams.
What’s preventing you from achieving your dreams?
The fears that we face when following dreams.
Self-doubt. Every time you want to do something, you question if you have the ability, capability and skill to get it done. You doubt your ability to achieve the task or think you’re not good enough.
Voices of our critics. They’ve become our inner voice these days, but the people who doubted us, criticized us, told us we were unworthy and incapable start playing in our heads. We have heard these negative voices from the people closest to us, and we now hear this voice in our thoughts.
It’s not worth the risk. We think about how it takes too much time, money, effort and risk to pursue our dreams. We have a mental checklist of all the problems, shortcomings, and issues that could arise.
The fear of failure. And success. We are afraid of failing, but it’s also our fear of success which holds us back. Not only are we worried about all things that could go wrong, but our minds are nervous about everything going right. We are afraid of achieving our dreams and the happiness and success that follow.
The fear of standing out. We want to be part of the crowd. We don’t want to stand out like a sore thumb. Our fear of being ourselves, fear of rejection and fear of being alone further stand in the way of our dreams.
First, let me suggest 4 provocative questions to help you change your mindset about fear, followed by 17 strategies you can use to be more courageous when facing your fears.
4 questions to challenge yourself about your dreams.
Will you settle for a mediocre life?
This question asks you to consider the type of life you want to lead. Are you comfortable with living an average life without any great achievements or defeats? Will you settle for ho-hum?
Will you regret not having followed your dream?
What would happen if you didn’t follow your dream? How would your life feel if you didn’t achieve or even start on your dreams? Are you ok with allowing your dreams to die a silent death? What do you lose and miss out on when you don’t follow your dreams?
What if your life ended tomorrow?
Similar to the last question, what if tomorrow were your last day on earth? What would you do today about your dream? Pursue it, live it or let it go?
Also, if death met you tomorrow, what do you want to be remembered for? What do you want people to say about you at your funeral, about how you lived your life and how you pursued your dreams?
What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?
What actions would you take and what would you do if you knew success was certain? That no matter what, circumstances wouldn’t let you down. How much more likely would you to be follow your dreams? What would you do this very moment?
17 practical strategies to tackle the fears standing in the way of your dreams.
1. You’ve done it before, you can do it again. Take a step back and count all your life accomplishments, minor achievements and major life breakthroughs.
You’ve confronted fears, overcome obstacles and achieved your dreams repeatedly. You learned how to ride a bicycle, learned how to swim, got your driver’s license, passed difficult exams, won soccer tournaments, (or American Idol maybe, if you’re Carrie Underwood) and got cast in the movie Zero Dark Thirty (Jessica Chastain) after a lifetime of dedication to theater.
You’ve done it before and done it well. Use your record of achievement to help inspire you to take on the dream at hand.
2. Prove your fears wrong. Your fears may be very real to you, but could they also be False Evidence Appearing Real? You don’t have to accept your fears at face value.
Try to identify and list your fears about pursuing a dream. Make a comprehensive and detailed list. Now respond in writing to these fears. Are there contrary reasons or perspectives on why your fear is misplaced? Misguided? Or plain false? Can you prove your fears wrong?
3. When do you feel most confident and fearless?
There have been times in your life you’ve felt fearless and absolutely confident.
You may have a talent, skill or ability that you know you can do with your eyes closed, be it writing a report, closing a home sale, cooking a difficult dish or mastering a certain kind of ballroom dance.
Use those moments of greatness as fuel for your current dream. What if you cultivated the same confidence for the dream that’s pulling at your heart?
4. Consider the worst that can happen.
What if you did ask for a raise? Your boss could say no, then get angry with you and fire you. They could put you on a no-hire list and give you a terrible recommendation for other jobs. Now that you’ve taken this to the extreme, how likely is this to happen?
What if you did asked your dream guy out on a date? He could say no. Then check your Facebook profile, fall in love with your best friend and propose marriage to her. You’d be asked to be the maid of honor at their wedding and godmother to their children? Is the worst that can happen that bad? And more important, is the worst-case scenario really that likely to occur?
Since you’re already preoccupied with fears, take your fears to the most extreme level.
5. Let go of the big picture and start with the smallest step. You have a brilliant and radiant dream that includes quitting your job, becoming a billionaire while pursuing your passion, buying up a few islands in Fiji and starting your mornings with Bloody Marys.
Yet starting on a dream like that could be frustrating and paralyzing. Although it’s good to know the final destination, consider the most immediate and smallest step you could take and take that step tomorrow.
By small, I mean tiny. If you want to be a writer, write each day for five minutes. If you want to open a bakery, buy the ingredients to experiment with your first cake. If you want to marry George Clooney, become an international leading human rights lawyer.
6. Always know that you can let go of a dream if it’s not for you. You may also feel paralyzed by starting because once you’ve begun, you’re in it for the long run. Not true.
Just like how you gave up that instrument you hated to play or the roommate who had a hookah machine in her room or the career that inspired you to use up all your sick days and quit, you can quit a dream.
If it’s not right for you, there are ways out. You’re not signing up for a life sentence. Start today and see where it takes you. Know there’s always an exit available mid-stream.
7. Create time for your dream and do it consistently. Your fears may be swirling around in your mind and eating away at your heart.
You don’t have to combat your fears or fight them. Instead, take some action on them. Not big bold steps. How about small, tiny, but consistent ones?
Again, writing for a few minutes a day. Reading business books a few minutes a day. Starting with an easier yoga class on your way to better fitness. Listening to an audio book on how to be a better public speaker or perusing new recipes in a cookbook.
Whatever your dream, make time for it and calendar it in.
8. Become aware of obstacles, distractions and resistance. That sale at French Connection or Roopam’s, near the Chhatrapati Shivaji Terminus railway station in Mumbai, sure is distracting.
So is having to clean your flat from top to bottom, including washing the windows, steam-cleaning the carpet and shampooing the sofas.
You may experience these unknown urges to fill up your time with tasks that can’t wait or things you’ve been putting off for ages.
When you feel there’s no better time for a guilty pleasure or dreaded task, become aware that these activities you’re opting for represent another form of resistance and procrastination.
Become aware that petty tasks and unavoidable errands are simply distractions. They can wait. Your dreams can’t.
9. Stay inspired by others who have achieved their dreams.
At one time in their lives, they were just souls with dreams, but then they went about achieving them. Before she sold 300 million records, Madonna was just a girl from Michigan with a dream. Before Lady Gaga became the best-selling musician of all times, Stefani Germanotta was just a art and theater enthusiast in New York.
Stephen King’s first book, Carrie, was rejected 30 times before he went on to sell over 350 million books worldwide. Steven Spielberg was rejected twice by the University of Southern California film school before he became one of the world’s most acclaimed directors. Dr. Seuss was rejected by 27 publishers. Oprah was demoted from her job as a news anchor.
History is filled with people who have gone after their dreams and achieved them even after setback. Learn about them, be inspired by them, and get in gear so you can start on the path to your dream.
10. Don’t seek validation of or opinions on your dreams.
You can be inspired by others, but don’t look to others around you for support, validation or encouragement.
In fact, keep your dream to yourself if you can. It’s ironic that the people who love us the most and care most about us are often the people who discount our dreams and discourage us.
They’re trying to be “practical”, be wise friends or look out for your best interests. Or they could be fearful for you and want to hold you back. They were too afraid to pursue their dreams and definitely don’t want you to see you achieving your greatness.
For the most part, keep your dreams to yourself and go about the task of achieving your dreams. You don’t need to talk your dream up to all those around you. Just live your dream and show people you can do it.
11. Pursue your goals, but focus on how you feel internally on the way to your dreams.
Small goals or milestones can be important in helping you achieve your dream. If you’re the goal-oriented type, make sure you follow Leonie Dawson’s advice and write them down! Her recent post discussed how writing down your goals and reviewing them is a habit of the highest achievers.
Just as important as goals is how you feel internally.
If you’re pursuing something that meets standards and deadlines but hate doing it, your fears will be roaring at you.
So, when pursuing your dream, consider and validate how you’re feeling. Check in with yourself emotionally and be willing to make the necessary adjustments.
Pursue those things you’re passionate about, and you will naturally find the courage to keep at them.
Another technique is to cultivate the feelings of having achieved your dream now to stay in a state of positivity.
Imagine what it would feel like to have achieved your dream. How do you feel? How do you walk? How do you wake up every day and live your life?
Visualize the feelings of waking up on the Sea Cloud luxury yacht, checking out the millions of dollars of new sales on your website Amazon.com and stopping for kaffee and kuchen at Café Chagall in Berlin.
Don’t fake it ‘til you make it. Feel it like you’ve made it!
12. Focus on the journey, not the fears that stop you from getting there.
If you think about your wedding day and the work involved in planning it, you’ll feel like passing out.
If you think about the manuscript you’ll have to submit to the publishers at Hay House, you’ll want to buy an around-the-world ticket and go on a pilgrimage.
When you think of your dreams, you often think of the final goal or end result. But that’s when the flames of fears start to roar.
Instead of focusing on all these fears that come up, focus on something productive – getting things done.
Instead of fearing failure, what are 2 or 3 small things you need to achieve today to help you move towards your dream?
Focus your mind on action steps, not fears.
13. Cultivate persistence and determination.
When you’re facing challenges or obstacles on the path to your dream, you’ll feel like giving up.
But think about why you pursued the dream in the first place and find the inner strength to keep going. Know that obstacles are bumps in the road, not dead ends.
Stay true to your dreams by holding onto them when times get tough.
One way to keep going is to create effective habits, so you’ll plow through your resistance by staying true to your habits.
I try to write a few hundred words every single day and usually early in the morning in order to share my message with all of you.
If you’re fixed on a habit, you’ll feel less like stopping. Your habit will inspire you to keep going because it’s ingrained. If you want to make your habits sticky, check out Barry Davenport’s course (not an affiliate link).
14. Get hungry about your dream (but not in a Ben and Jerry’s or Amul ice cream late-night binge kind of way)
How badly do you want to achieve your dream? How hungry are you for it?
Anthony Robbins asks you if your dream is a must (an absolute hunger and necessity for you) or a should (something that sounds like a good idea if you have time).
Get clear on why exactly you’re pursuing your dream. Follow a dream that your soul yearns for. Passionately figure out your ‘why,’ as Tony suggests in this video.
15. Believe in yourself.
Continue to remind of yourself of the goals and achievements you’ve had in your life – how you’ve overcome change, obstacles and difficulties.
Learn how to accept yourself and move away from needing the acceptance and approval of others. You are whole, you are complete just as you are.
Brian Tracy offers some great tips here on the process towards self-acceptance and self-belief.
You have a voice inside yourself that might be regularly talking down to you and being critical. Become aware of this voice and shower it with love and compassion.
Understand that this voice comes from a place of lack, scarcity and not having had enough in life. Positive self-talk, meditation, EFT tapping, feel-good activities and positive, uplifting people in your network can all help you love this internal critic and make her a raving fan.
Finally, when you fail, keep on failing. Tim Brownson suggests that a powerful way to develop your self belief is to recognize evidence contrary to what you may be thinking about yourself.
You’re not a failure because you’ve failed. Instead, Tim reminds us in this video below that many of the greatest people in history failed repeatedly.
To change your beliefs, challenge the disempowering ideas that you have about yourself.
16. Acknowledge that your fears are signs that your dreams are worth pursuing.
Fears may hinder you from your dreams but they have a role in your life as well.
In fact, they are a reminder that something is worth doing. Only when you feel the pangs of fear do you know that you are at the edge of your comfort zone.
You’re on the verge of growth, you’re moving towards a dream that has the potential to change your entire life.
Recognize and become aware of your fears so you can use them as a trigger to achieve your dreams. My friend Razwana encourages you to use fears as a wake-up call and motivation to get things done in your life.
Use fear as a trigger or a kick in the pants to start on the path to your dreams.
17. Practice facing fears repeatedly. Just like everything in life, we get better on what we work on.
If you’re terrified of your fears and don’t pursue dreams because of paralysis, you’re going to be a novice to fear.
On the other hand, if you repeatedly find yourself in situations that you’re scared of and learn how to overcome them, you’re going to get better at it. You’re going to develop a better relationship with fear and think of fear as a confidante.
If you’re scared of going to a large international conference like the World Domination summit without knowing a soul there, you’re likely to be more courageous if you go to your first one. My friend, Varonica, did just that and recounted her experiences of facing her fears and surviving the conference. Can you imagine how much easier attending her next conference will be?
You’ll likely take more risks and be open to facing your fears. Once you see that your deepest, wildest fears usually don’t manifest, but fear is a friend who can motivate you, you’ll put yourself out there more.
You’ll show up when you don’t know anyone at the World Domination summit.
You’ll go to the audition.
You’ll invest in yourself by signing up for that course.
Find the courage to live the life you’re capable of. Fearlessly share this article with your friends, neighbors, and the guy across the table who’s too afraid to ask for your number.
If you’re interested in coaching, sign up for an “Awakening” or “Enlightenment” coaching session. We’ll get clarity on your life direction, work through your fears and help you come up with action steps to achieve your goals in life. Wake up with a greater sense of direction and fulfillment than ever before.
The summer of travel continues. I found myself in India this past month and visited the beautiful state of Karnataka, where the weather was cool and the people, even cooler.
One of the main highlights for me was visiting, the Murudeshwar temple, where I ran into 12o foot statute of Lord Shiva, sitting at the edge of the Arabian sea. It’s the second largest Shiva statute in the world and is as breathtaking as it appears in these first couple photos.
A nearby elevator allows you to go upto Shiva’s heights to catch a spectacular view of Shiva and the nearby town. This statute of Shiva reminds us of his mythological awe, power, strength and prominence in Hindu religion and traditions.
In addition to the Shiva statute, there is a temple below devotees can visit, with a mighty tall 20-story temple tower (gopura) that appears to disappear into the sky.
This temple does justice to Krishna’s role and influence in the Hindu faith. The walk up the temple (it’s a bit of long one) chanting Krishna’s name is sure to invigorate and inspire any Krishna devotee. You’ll certainly feel Krishna’s presence and blessings, being on the temple grounds.
Finally, one of my personal new favorite places in the world is this church in the City of Bangalore – the Infant Jesus Church. This is a church inspired by the Infant Jesus shrine in Prague. Visited by people all over Karnataka and India, it’s become a pilgrimage site for many devotees. I found my visit to be peaceful, inspiring and filled with blessings. The message during Mass was down to earth and the music, heavenly.
Hope you enjoyed the photos and hope you’re having an enjoyable summer as well! If you enjoyed the photos, please share these photos with anyone you think might enjoy seeing them. Thank you.
I help people overcome their devastating breakups and divorces and find love again. Instead of visiting the Himalayas, sign up below and join me. I am taking a writing break but will be back soon.
This guide is free. A ticket to the Himalayas is $2000. Your move.
