Should you ‘find the world’ in another person, as Alicia harmonizes? If you say, no, read on mis amigos.
We are all looking for love in our lives.
Not only to love others but to be loved. Without fear…conditions…limitations.
Love songs, classic movies and today’s blockbusters provoke us to find that ideal love we watch on the big screen.
Alicia Key’s tune above sketches a love so deep that a lover’s arms around you are worth more than a kingdom, more than gold and diamonds!
(If you’d rather have the $bling$ than the hug, raise your hand friends)
Movies depict undying and eternal love. Music serenades the perfect lover. Books depict the depths of love between two souls.
While we’re caught up in fairy tale weddings, passionate romances and soulful love stories, there’s one person we’re ignoring.
The person we should be loving first.
Ourselves.
To love ourselves is a process of complete acceptance, compassion, forgiveness without limits or conditions.
But how many of us ever reach the place where we are truly in love with ourselves? How many of us even try?
We cannot love others until we fall in love with ourselves first.
Loving ourselves is a prerequisite to loving others.
We cannot complete others, as Tom pronounces in the clip, below until we complete ourselves.
Were you loved?
For some of us, the people who were supposed to love us never understood the way to show us love.
Perhaps they never knew how to love themselves either so loving you was an impossible feat.
The people who are supposed to love us made us feel inadequate, incompetent, inhuman or broken. Unloved.
4 Ways to Love Yourself (in a non-sensual way – ha!)
1. Compassion
We tend to be harsh and merciless with ourselves.
A practice of compassion is the first step to loving ourselves.
Compassion doesn’t judge and doesn’t put conditions on our love. Compassion sees our shortcomings and faults and accepts them anyway.
Practice empathy. Feel your pains, fear and guilt without wallowing in them. Be loving towards your past hurts and sorrows. Be gentle.
2. Acceptance
To be able to truly love ourselves, we have to accept who we are as people.
To love ourselves, we have to accept our good and bad traits, qualities, characteristics and life experiences. We must learn to embrace our pains, sorrows, fears, shame and inadequacies.
We must come to term with our histories, biographies, upbringing, personalities and our quirks.
Self-acceptance is the road to self-love.
3. Show yourself that you care.
How do you treat yourself? Is your life balanced, healthy and fulfilled?
Are you running around every day being ‘busy’? Not eating well? Working too much? Not exercising? Not being mindful? Stressed? Worried?
Are you treating yourself the way you want someone who loves you to treat you?
If you love yourself, take actions in your life to show yourself love, gentleness and kindness.
Look at the things in your everyday life that bring you physical discomfort, stress, worry, and emotional pain. Take steps to eliminate and reduce those factors.
Look for work that allows you to truly love yourself. Eat foods that shows you that you love your body. Be around positive and caring people. (Don’t talk to your mother-in-law – joke!) Create a daily schedule that allows you to spend time with yourself.
Take small steps to show that you’re important, that your health and body matter and that you’re worth taking care of.
4) Take action.
Romantic relationships fail when you stop working on them. So does the relationship you have with yourself. If you’re not actively taking actions to show yourself that you care, you’re not loving yourself as you’re capable of.
If you’re not removing caustic and harmful people out of your life, you’ll find it harder to love yourself. If you’re not doing work or a career that suits your personality, you’ll find it harder to be joyful and treat yourself well. If you’re not taking care of your body, you’ll feel less healthy and positive about yourself.
Accept yourself and strive be good to yourself.
Not only will you fall in love with yourself and be a loving person be but you will be able to share that love with all those around you. You will be love, can give and receive love.
The secret to loving others and being loved the way you want is to love yourself first. (Here are 17 additional ways how. Thanks Evelyn!)
My friend Wendy Irene talks about the importance of loving yourself in her weekly videos. Watch to learn more.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aUT5g6ljss4&feature=player_embedded#! To pick up my book, Self Romance Manifesto: Fall in Love With Yourself and Live From Your Heart, click here.
Welcome to my friend and guest post contributor, Galen Pearl:
Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself. –Rumi
“Arab Spring”is the term often used to describe an ongoing series of protests and wars spreading through the Arab world in the last two years. The term sounds promising and full of hope, although the conflicts themselves, regardless of the outcome, have caused a great deal of suffering.
I read that one slogan of the demonstrators has been Ash-shab yurid isqat an-nizam, “the people want to bring down the regime.” Many of us can understand this sentiment, whether in support of people seeking more freedom in other countries, or wanting change in our own country, or just change in our own lives.
In the United States, there has been much talk bringing down the regime (American style). But what is the regime and what does bringing it down look like? The rhetoric from the last campaign and the subsequent fiscal cliff fiasco make it hard to distinguish the regime holder from the challenger. While the two sides argue about which way to paddle, the canoe sweeps ever faster toward the rapids and the falls.
Make love, not war.
Personally, I think we had it right back in the 60s with the slogan Make love, not war. True, we were naive and had no clue about how to live that slogan in any sort of socially productive way. But I think we had the right idea in that we understood the truth of Buddha’s teaching that “Hatred never ceases by hatred, but by love alone is healed.”
Even so, we succumbed to the same mistake as those we sought to replace, by thinking that we could change things by changing others. I was like that, too. I thought I had the answer to any question about what our country should look like, and I was angry and dismissive towards anyone who disagreed with me. Make love, not war, you idiots! Hmm.
Changing ourselves is how we change the world.
Gandhi encouraged us to “be the change we want to see in the world.” Making love instead of war means being love. Vishnu understands this. His tagline for this blog is “Change yourself. Change the world.” Those aren’t two separate acts. Changing ourselves is how we change the world. In fact, it’s the only way to change the world.
So we start with bringing down our own regime, experiencing our own Inner Spring.
My Inner Spring began years ago when I knew I needed to change my life. My regime was based on fear and governed by threats. If I didn’t control my world, meaning everything and everyone outside of myself, then disaster was sure to happen. I don’t know that I brought down my regime as much as it sort of fell down by itself. It was not sustainable and began to crumble in spite of my frantic efforts to maintain it.
I finally surrendered to the inevitable, and only then, in the relinquishment of force, did I discover the lightness of being, our natural state of joy. I’ve since learned that the way we bring down our regime and experience our Inner Spring is by practicing the qualities we want to see in our world. As the bumper sticker says, compassion is revolution. So is joy, forgiveness, kindness, gratitude. And as we manifest our Inner Spring, World Spring is sure to follow.
Galen Pearl is one of my favorite bloggers and a wise teacher. She regularly posts though-invoking reflections on her blog, 10 Steps to Finding Your Happy Place. Her practical and relevant book on happiness can be found here. I’ve found it to be a life-changer. * Photo credit.
What about you? What does you current regime look like? Is there anything in it that you want to bring down or transform? Are you living your Inner Spring? What would that look like?
I'm dazin'but check out Vishnu's guest post on Brazen
Once upon a time, I used to practice law.
Yes, if you needed a lawyer to help you immigrate to the U.S. or get the hell out, I was your man. I ran an online immigration law firm advising clients from all over the world. It was the most fun I’ve ever had helping people achieve their American dream.
The part I loved about the work was helping my clients immigrate to America, reunite with loved ones and defending them when the American government tried to kick them out. The part I found challenging was running a full-scale business. My first one.
Anyway, it was a humbling experience running a practice, operating a business and fighting for my clients.
After a couple years with this struggling business, I realized I had to close shop and move on from a venture I had put my heart and soul into.
I learned so much from having run this law firm. Even though I had to close it down, I never regretted this business for a minute. It taught me profound lessons about business, marketing and law.
To learn more about my journey and find out how to turn failures into success, visit my my guest post on the Brazen Careerist blog. A special thanks to editor, Alexis Grant, for publishing this post.
Please leave me a comment on the Brazen Careerist blog and let me know if you’ve failed before. How did you make your comeback?
If you’ve never failed and don’t want to succeed ha! no worries. Enjoy some photos below from the San Francisco Zen Center. If you’re in the San Francisco, California area, drop in to zen out.
Welcome to my friend and first guest post contributor – Razwana Wahid, founder of Your Work Is Your Life.
This month marks the seventh month I have been living on my own in Paris. On my own meaning I share the city with around 2 million other people, but I started off having no friends or family to welcome me when I arrived. Being a little British-Asian girl from a small town in the north of England, and given that my sole purpose in life was supposed to be getting married and having children, this is quite an achievement for me.
I was never supposed to amount to anything. Achievement or success was not on the cards. In fact, the cards were of a completely different colour. But as I grew older, I realised I had a taste for bigger things. Well, pretty small things to most people, but big for me, given the expectations of me were so low.
So I left my small town, moved to London, had a blast, and then moved to Paris.
Pretty cool (for me).
But that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I want to do more. I want to feel like I am growing – in physical strength, emotional intelligence, and self esteem.
Do you feel the same? Do you want to do more with your life; making changes now that you know will change you forever?
I am marking 2013 as the year of achievement. It’s the year we all set goals for ourselves and achieve them, with flair and style (and in heels if you’re anything like me).
But before you set out to achieve those goals, there are a few things to consider. Five, to be precise:
1. Courage comes after the act, not before
A common misconception about courage is that you have to have some before you do anything.
Au contraire.
The truth about courage is that it is built within you over time – as you are doing, not before you do anything.
Remember Popeye? Those cartoons fed us one big, fat, lie. He would eat a can of spinach to give him strength and courage, eliminating all his fear, before challenging his opponent.
In reality, the fear never actually goes away – you just have to channel it differently.
People we admire are as scared as the rest of us. Do you think Felix Baumgartner drank a dose of courage before putting on his space suit? His courage was built as he remained committed to his goal. If he had waited until he had the strength to achieve it (and it took him 7 years of planning and work) he would never have even completed the thought, let alone put on his suit.
The simple truth is: you don’t know what you are capable of until you test yourself. You are capable of more than you realise.
So to be courageous– do more of the stuff you are scared of.
2. ‘I don’t’ is more powerful than ‘I can’t’
One of those ‘I’ statements is empowering; the other is the beginning of excuses.
Let’s take vegetarians as an example. Do you think vegetarians think to themselves:
‘I know I said I’m a vegetarian, but just this once, I will have a steak’
No.
Their statement is simple: ‘I don’t eat meat’.
Saying ‘I don’t’ makes your intention clear. You have made this decision. ‘I can’t’ implies you don’t have the ability.
Now, of course, there are some changes that we make that do not necessarily mean we stick to them 100% of them time. For example, I’ve made a commitment to wake up at 5.30am so I can work on my blog. Will I do this every day? Definitely not!
If you decide you are going to do something but will also take some breaks, then…
3. It is not OK to take a break…
…when it is not planned.
We all have moments of weakness when we start something new. But high achievers already know those moments of weakness will occur. So what do they do?
They plan for them in advance.
Using the example of my goal to wake up at 5.30am without considering any moments of weakness:
My alarm goes off. I open my eyes and evaluate how I feel on that particular morning. Given that it’s still winter and dark outside, I will decide ‘well, just this once, I’ll press snooze; I can wake up early tomorrow’. What are the chances I will actually get up when my alarm goes off tomorrow morning? Pretty much zero. This will continue on until 2 weeks have passed and I am feeling like a complete loser because I haven’t achieved my goal at all.
However, if I have planned which day I will not wake up early, then I know that that day is my ‘cheat’ day and I can stick to my schedule knowing I have a day of indulgence just around the corner.
It’s only human to fall off the wagon, don’t use this as an excuse to slack off. Plan your humanness into your schedule.
4. The purpose of ‘what if’s’ is to ignore them
What if I decide to have a Paleo diet and I then have no social life because all my friends like to eat is burgers and fries?
What if I go running every morning and eventually damage my knees?
What if I start my blog and nobody reads a word of it?
The ‘what if’s’ are also referred to as fears. Fears hold you back from starting anything.
The easiest way of managing fear is to listen to Vishnu – seriously! Read this post on conquering fear here. It contains all you need to know.
Yes, the ‘what if’s’ matter, but only when they don’t hold you back. Do think of the worst case scenario and consider what you would do if the worst case occurs. Is it really that bad? No? Then ignore this and move on to figuring out how you will achieve your goal.
But remember….
5. Planning = Procrastination
There is a time to plan, and there is a time to do.
A plan is an obvious first step. However, sitting and planning for weeks on end is comfortable and means you don’t actually have to do anything.
How do you feel when you tell your friends you your plans, like quitting your job or travel the world. Doesn’t the mere concept of achieving something feel fantastic?
And how would it feel to actually achieve it? 10 times better, right?
So consider how you would feel if you talked about doing something, but never actually took one step towards it? Not so great, huh?
Are you ready to make 2013 the year of achievement?
Let’s make a commitment to test our abilities. Make it big or make it small. Anything.
Set a date. Make a plan. Get it done.
What fear is holding you back? What will you do to curb the fear and get the achievement-train moving? Please share your thoughts in the comment below.
Razwana Wahid is the founder of Your Work Is Your Life, a movement created around finding wildly wonderful work and a courageous career path you’re truly passionate about. Read more at http://www.yourworkisyourlife.com
Free air-conditioning and rent. What could get better than this?
It was 1:30 a.m.
I was startled awake by a loud knocking on the door. My friend’s roommate had returned a week earlier than planned, and would be needing the room.
Yes, the very room I was sleeping in. That very night.
I hurriedly packed my things, cleaned up, and moved to the comforts of the nearby living room where a beaten-up sofa welcomed me.
I have been couch-surfing ever since.
After sleeping in spare rooms – and on couches – for the past 6 months, I’ve started reflecting on my life.
Can it get any worse?
I now own sufficiently few possessions that they can all fit in my car. I’m equipped to travel with all my worldly possessions in tow: clothes, dishes, laundry basket, ironing board, lamps…
I’m also technically homeless, as I no longer have a permanent residence. My brother has been generous enough to provide a temporary room (and a mailing address) when I need it. My friend Diane kindly let me stay at her home on my last job.
I became jobless the day my last campaign ended in November. Although I should be accustomed to the fact that my employed life ends on election days due to the nature of my work in grassroots activism, it’s still unsettling and terrifying for the period of unemployment that follows.
I also became legally single more than a year ago after a sad – if amicable – divorce. Divorce changed everything I had known about my place in the world and my future and left me lost and searching for meaning.
During this time, I grew increasingly isolated. I eventually stopped contacting my unsupportive parents, who couldn’t see past a wounded family name to be supportive during difficult circumstances.
So, yes, to sum up my life at the moment: homeless, unemployed, divorced and isolated. And don’t forget couch-surfing, with all my worldly belongings in my vehicle.
Can it get any better?
Upon further reflection, I also realized that the four months I spent traveling in Central America last year were some of the best I’d had.
When I returned, I started working on a series of independent and freelance jobs, work which I put very little effort into finding. In fact, a recent project that came out of nowhere might actually turn into a full-fledged business.
Not having a home has allowed me to travel up and down the beautiful state of California. I’ve been grateful to reconnect with friends of new and old who’ve take me in, treated me like an honored guest, fed me, and opened their homes to me.
Not having a spouse has allowed me time to seek out many old friends, family friends, new friends, and blogger friends. So many relationships which have been rekindled, refreshed and renewed.
I’ve immersed myself in weeks of Spanish classes, lived in homes with beautiful views….
A beautiful view of the California bay.
I also attended nearly a month of Sunday church services at the Cavalry Chapel in Chino Hills, Baptist church services in San Diego and a visit to the Zen Center in San Francisco.
Are these the best of times? Or the worst of times?
I find it hard to think of myself as unemployed, homeless, divorced and alienated from my parents. I’ve found, instead, that the people in my life now bring me infinite happiness, the temporary housing has brought me into contact with wonderful people and places to live, unemployment has brought forth exciting opportunities, and spiritual discoveries have helped me uncover lessons of a lifetime!
Here are 6 life lessons I’ve learned in the process.
1) Change happens. Embrace it. I once hated change like you hate being pick-pocketed. It can be intrusive and inconvenient. One minute you have something, the next minute you don’t.
But I’ve realized that being able to adapt to changing circumstances makes you stronger, wiser and calmer. Change can be unsettling, but it also spurs growth. I’ve learned to embrace change, rather than shy away from it. Now, I welcome it.
2) The universe knows better than you. Trust it. I used to demand that my life work out a certain way, always trying to be in control of the circumstances. When life took its own twists and turns, I realized I could no longer do that. And the universe was infinitely wise in bringing me opportunities that were a perfect fit for me.
3) Friendship is a choice. Cherish it. While I am no longer with my spouse, or in touch with my parents, I’ve created much stronger bonds with everyone else in my life. My brother, who I fought with growing up, has been both supportive and helpful. I’ve strengthened relationships with many friends from my past, and reconnected with many people who fell out of touch.
Since friendships are a choice, you can make a choice to value them and work on them.
4) Gratefulness is a practice. Thank it. Although so many bad things have happened, so many great things have also swooped in. I’m grateful for the positive people, circumstances and energy I have found.
When you notice, acknowledge and appreciate the positive events in your life, you invite more of the same in.
5) Happiness is a choice. Choose it. Here’s the thing about happiness: you’re confronted with many opportunities to be happy each day. I have come to realize that I can choose happiness in every decision. So, I choose to be happy in both the simple and big events in my life. The people you’re with, the places you go, the work you do – all are laden with choices.
You have the power to choose happiness, and that’s a compelling feeling.
6) Happiness comes from within. Be it. You don’t have to go very far to be happy. No one person or event or job will make you happy. Happiness is an everyday practice. And more importantly, it comes from within. You have the ability to be happy exactly where you are, without doing one thing more.
Find the happiness in what you have, where you are, in the moment.
“I could chose to see this differently.” – A course in miracles*
I used to feel like I had so much control over my life. Now I feel like I’ve surrendered my life to the universe, and it leads ME.
I used to be so averse to change. Now I welcome it, accepting that it’s a part of life.
I used to strive towards happiness someday. Now, I simply choose to find it every day.
I used to hate falling. But now I realize that, the more I fall, the more I learn and the quicker I get back up.
Where you are in life has a lot to do with perspective. If you’re willing to change your perspective, the world around you changes.
Have you had life experiences that were both positive and negative at the same time? Something that was painful, but spurred personal and spiritual growth in the end? Please share your thoughts in the comments below. * If you would like to share your story through a guest post, please reach out to me. * Thanks for sharing this wonderful quote Galen.
I help people overcome their devastating breakups and divorces and find love again. Instead of visiting the Himalayas, sign up below and join me. I am taking a writing break but will be back soon.
This guide is free. A ticket to the Himalayas is $2000. Your move.
