Your boyfriend is Indian and you’re not. (Unfortunately, your partner’s parents are Indian as well!?)
You had dreamy hopes of marrying him and living happily ever after.
The only problem is that your partner hails from that part of the world known as South Asia: primarily India, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Nepal, Sri Lanka, Afghanistan or Bhutan.
If you’ve fallen in love with an Indian guy or dating someone from one of these South Asian countries, your life is about to turn upside down.
You found a brilliant, well-educated, polite and devoted guy but…you had no idea this wonderful person came from an overly-protective, slightly judgmental, and hostile family.
In fact, your partner’s Indian parents are likely neurotic, hate the idea of their son dating you and will do everything in their power to sabotage this relationship.
Would Indian parents actually go to this extreme? You betcha!
You will face an emotionally manipulative and aggressive force like no other: the Indian mom and dad.
It’s nothing personal. It’s just that they didn’t work hard, come to this country with 15 cents in their pockets and put their kids through Ivy League schools for those kids to marry you!
You may have initially thought that Indian parents were slightly protective and uncertain of you but now that you’ve gotten to know them, you’re no longer naïve about what’s at stake.
Indian parents (and most South Asian parents) are against intercultural or interracial marriages. They will do whatever it takes to end the relationship between you and their son (including espionage, private investigators, blackmail and criminal threats).
You are realizing the full emotional and psychological battle facing you.
Indian parents will make your dating and potential marriage with your Indian boyfriend very challenging. Your partner is supportive and helpful but you need advice and guidance to deal with the volcano known as Indian parents.
It’s a basic, straightforward guide to understanding the mindset of Indian parents – and to outmaneuvering and outsmarting them so you can have your big, fat Indian wedding.
If you’re not Indian but dating an Indian man (or woman), this one-of-a-kind book will help you understand the Indian cultural mindset and overcome the Indian parents standing between you and the relationship you desire.
The book contains 14 chapters filled with pearls of wisdom and practical-action steps that will help you move your partner’s Indian parents from “hell no” to “fine, ok, whatever.”
Here are the 14 chapter titles of How to Get Indian Parents to Accept Your Marriage Proposal:
Introduction
What do Indian parents really want other than diamonds and landed property?
Why are Indian parents against interracial/intercultural marriages and you?
What extreme measures will Indian parents take to stop you from dating their offspring?
How should your rational partner talk about your relationship to her slightly neurotic Indian parents?
How do you take a strategic approach to get the blessings of Indian parents without losing your mind or your Indian partner?
What is the secret to acceptance into Indian culture without having to be reborn as an Indian person in your next life?
How should you treat Indian parents to get their appreciation and approval instead of their scorn and hate?
Another laundry list of ideas to receive marital blessings from your partner’s Indian parents as they put you through the washing machine of life.
How can you meet, converse with and socialize with the enemy and turn Indian parents into allies?
How are your sanity and other things more important than your relationship with Indian parents?
How do you deal with hostile and hurtful Indian parents who tell you to go fly a kite?
What if your partner is considering a big fat Indian wedding without you?
May the Gita and the Force Be With You
What if your partner is considering a big, fat Indian wedding without you?
If you’re seeking approval and blessings so you can marry your Indian or South Asian partner, this is the guide for you.
Pick up How to Get Indian Parents to Accept Your Marriage Proposaltoday.
Use the book’s strategies – and be sure to put me on the guest list if they work and you have a big, fat Indian wedding.
I’ll be checking the mail for my wedding invite!
Get How to Get Indian Parents to Accept Your Marriage Proposal today.
(If you’re looking for my book on How to Get Indian Parents to Accept Your Marriage Proposal, get it here.)
Talking to Indian parents about love and marriage is different than it is in other cultures.
You don’t simply approach your parents and tell them you’ve fallen for the love of your life and the love of your life is…white or Asian or Latino.
The way to put your life in further jeopardy is to claim your undying love for your long-term American beau, insist you’ve made up your mind and boldly proclaim that you will marry only this man of your dreams!
If you’ve fallen in love with someone from a culture outside of your Indian, Pakistani, Bangladeshi or South Asian family, your relatives will quickly respond.
This response will likely range from complete silence to utter anger and disgust.
Many Indian parents will be in complete shock about your decision and your declaration of love.
Indian people do not believe in marrying for love. Also, they do not believe in marrying non-Indian people.
So, if you’re Indian and you must break the news to your non-Indian parents that you’re marrying an American or westerner, fasten your seat belt and prepare for the passive-aggressive journey you’re about to begin. Get ready for the emotional and psychological battles that are about to ensue.
If you have fallen for an American guy or girl, here is what you must know about how to break the news to your parents.
Getting your parents’ approval will be an uphill battle. Here is what you should keep in mind when preparing for the lengthy battle ahead.
Despite the odds, stay optimistic and follow this strategy to get your Indian parents to accept your boyfriend of girlfriend from a different culture.
A 16-point plan to talk to your parents and get them to accept your non-Indian boyfriend of girlfriend follows.
1. Break the news slowly and over several conversations to help your parents deal with it. This might be the most devastating news they hear in their lives, so understand that they need some time to process it. Give them a few details at a time; limit your revelations when you first break the news to them.
2. Prime them for the conversation. Slowly introduce the topic of your getting serious with someone else or marrying someone who is non-Indian. Do not speak assertively or with certainty. Bring it up as a concept first; introduce the idea as if you are contemplating it with them. See how much they push back each time. If the situation quickly gets hot and intense, change topics and bring it up another day.
3. Do not react as emotionally as your parents do. These initial conversations will likely be intense and hard for your parents, and they will likely say hurtful things. Be aware of what’s coming up. Do not use this time to fight back with the same negativity or insults.
4. In the first conversation, do not die for love. This means do not say this relationship is “do or die.” Do not say you’re going to die for love: “It’s this man or woman or no one else.” Do not make bold and outlandish statements about your love for this person. Do not come across as a lovesick puppy or withering Romeo who will put his life on the line for this non-Indian woman. Tone down your declarations of love and keep things fluid. Take the attitude that anything can happen in life. This marriage may or may not be in your future. Give your parents some time to take it all in and cope.
5. Listen intently to what your parents say. Without a doubt, your parents will have much to say. Instead of coming up with defenses against each response they make, hear them out. Spend more time listening instead of convincing. By speaking, your parents are processing. By listening, you are gathering information.
6. Use every argument as a means of collecting strategic information. Take notes if you must. One day, you can use everything your parents say. They may sound angry and disappointed but they are essentially scared, so use the first few conversations to fully understand where they are coming from and what their fears are. Gather strategic information so you can formulate a plan of attack with your partner!
7. Be on a fact-finding mission to discover what each of your parents is worried about. Each parent will speak a different language and use different words to tell you what lies behind his or her fears. Like a reporter, collect as much information as you can. Then spend the next few months formulating a strategy for convincing them. Reporters don’t yell back or challenge their subjects. They give their interview subjects plenty of time to relax and vent their true feelings and fears.
8. Treat each parent as an individual. Speak to each parent separately. Each will have his or her own quirks, opinions and fears. The more you can divide them and have separate conversations with them, the better your chance of understanding what each one fears.
9. Make strides to address each of their concerns. Over the coming weeks and months, you will know what to focus on. If they are afraid of religious or food incompatibility, make the case to them. If they are afraid of what other people will think, let them know about people who approve of your relationship. Discover their concerns so you can address them.
10. Look for allies within the family and community. Your parents may want to keep the news within your immediate family because of their shame and embarrassment; however, you will benefit by sharing your relationship with people outside your immediate family. You will help the extended family cope and possibly find supporters outside of your parents. You may also find other people in the community whose children married non-Indian people. Definitely bring them into the picture and get them involved. Your parents win in silence and secrecy. The more people who know, the more you’re helping break the taboo and discomfort over sharing this news with others.
11. Help your non-Indian partner educate himself or herself about Indian culture. The more your partner molds himself or herself to the culture, including learning your scriptures and language, the better. What does your family value and prioritize in the Indian culture? Food? Religion? Parenting? Language? Education? Whatever it is, get your partner up to speed. This will help alleviate your parents’ fears. Your parents want to feel as comfortable as possible with your partner because they believe they might be living with you in their older age, and they don’t want to live with a foreigner who doesn’t understand them.
12. Be prepared for psychological and emotional warfare. If you’re expecting it, your parents’ reaction won’t traumatize or shock you. Your parents will try every conceivable method to scare you, hurt you and blackmail you into submission. They will feign health issues, threaten you, disown you, never speak to you again. If you realize they are using these tactics out of fear, you can better cope with the emotional warfare.
13. Use time to your advantage. The more time you have and the longer you drag this out, the better. Your parents will need time to process the news. You are changing generations of a thought process they have believed their entire lives. This is all they know. Give them time to process and to learn about other people and families that have gone through the same thing. They may be going through a grieving process, so expect them to experience all the steps of grief before they arrive in a rational place to accept your decision.
14. Highlight the practical advantages of this particular partner. Indian parents care about respect of their family, religion and culture, as well as about financial stability. You know this, so your task over the next few months is to provide rational reasons why this relationship makes sense. Try to show how Indian-like – or “Indian-lite” – your partner is, even if your partner is not Indian. If your partner is well-educated and has educational or career plans, highlight that fact. If he or she come from a traditional culture or a stable family background (i.e., parents who are still married), highlight that fact. If your partner’s parents are wealthy and have family property, definitely highlight that fact! If your partner has attended church his or her whole life and comes from a religious family, highlight that fact as long as your partner is open to participating in your religious traditions, too.
15. Use compassion and kindness to alleviate your parents’ fears. Your parents will act irrationally out of anger and fear. Responding to them the same way will not help. You must speak with kindness and listen with compassion despite their every tantrum, hurtful statement and blackmail attempt. If you want to make this work, you must find that inner strength to be rational, kind and reasonable. Essentially, you must be the opposite of your parents; you must show them that you have thought this through and that you are not being irrational or disrespectful. This is a case in which kindness and understanding (of what they are experiencing) can help you all get to marital bliss – ok, at least acceptance.
16. Clearly state your intentions and desires. After some time has passed, you can let your parents know that you are serious about this relationship. Now that they have had time to digest and process the news, you can state unequivocally that you are interested in this person as your life partner – and not only are you interested in this person, you’re going to marry him or her. Say this calmly, with certainty and confidence. You stand on the strength of your relationship and the confidence of your partner. More than that, you stand in your own power of knowing what you want and what’s right for you.
If you have more questions about this topic, pick up my book,How to Get Indian Parents to Accept Your Marriage Proposal, here.
The book is a guide to help your non-Indian boyfriend or girlfriend understand Indian culture, outsmart your Indian parents and marry you.
This post is dedicated to all the Indian kids out there who are being raised by over-bearing and abusive parents. (I write this for you with love and understanding, compassion and hope for healing)
Yes, those of you who suffering in the care and control of their parents. (And even adults who survived a detrimental childhood)
No, you’re not being beaten (some of you are) or starved (some of you are) or locked up in solitary confinement (some of you are), but you are being emotionally beaten down every single day of your life.
You’re called names (including animals like “donkey” or “cow” and other animals found in Southeast Asia) and often the worst insults imaginable.
You’re told that you shouldn’t have been born or that it would be better if you were dead.
You’re told that you are the result of bad karma from a past life.
You’re told that it was your parents’ ill fate to have given birth to you. You are their life’s biggest mistake. You’re unworthy, incompetent, useless and dumb. There’s something wrong with your mind, weight, height, or even skin color!!
You’re not good, not good enough and something is inherently wrong with you as a person.
Yelled at, screamed at, compared to others, verbally assaulted, bullied, threatened to be sent back to India, threatened to be sent to live with relatives.
Told you’re not loved, not wanted, not worthy and that you do not make your parents proud.
You’re compared to your friends, compared to your family members and compared to random Indian kids who win spelling bees, receive Harvard acceptance letters or get nominated to a federal judgeship.
If you think I’m reading your mind and your life, I’m not. I had a very similar experience growing up in this kind of environment.
Although different today, the impact of my childhood has been scarring.
And it’s not just Indian people! Many Asian cultures have seen this type of abusive parenting. You may be in Nepal, Bangladesh, Pakistan, Indonesia, Singapore, Vietnam, Thailand, Korea, Cambodia or Laos. You could be in Saudi, Egypt, Iran, Iraq or Turkey. Or hey, you might even live in the States or Britain, but still have experienced this kind of parenting style.
Whatever it is, I’m here to offer some thoughts to help you heal, survive and live with your parents for the few more years you have left under their care. Or even help you cope with them in your adult years.
I’m not only going to explain why our parents are so unconscious, but what we can do about it. How do we cope? Or tolerate the abuse? How do we move forward? For more information, check out out my book on this topic:
I do know plenty of emotionally healthy, loving and supportive Indian parents, so let me not throw all of them under the bus.
One way to understand why some parents are so Mao Zedong-like in their child-rearing behaviors is to understand what made them this way.
Only once you know some of the reasons for your parents’ insanity can you begin the process of understanding, coping with, healing from and surviving their dominion.
A place of scarcity. Your parents came from difficult conditions filled with struggle and often did not have enough growing up. They want more now because of their struggle, poverty or difficult circumstances growing up.
Insanity of their own parents. More than likely they are products of their own parents, who were oppressive, coercive, and ruled with an iron fist. They herded their children like cows and instilled fear in them like a deadly cobra.
Insecurity and fear. They are unsure of themselves, so they worry about you. They are afraid of the world and thus, worry about you. They hate conflict, change and instability. They do everything they can to limit the number of changes they have to face. They don’t like anyone rocking the boat, and you seem to have a penchant for doing just that.
Competition mindset. Because of this culture of scarcity, they are in a constant state of competition. They compete with others in their community, others who speak the same language, and even with their children. You’re in a competition with all the other Indian kids they know – they’re regularly comparing and measuring you up against someone else.
Protecting the family name. Indian parents care a bit too much about something. It’s a disease, really, a disease with no cure. They care how they are seen by the people they know: their reputation. They are sure as hell not going to let you ruin that.
Protecting traditions, and you’d better get married to a boy from the community! You’re not going to screw up hundreds of years of tradition. Your great-great-grandfather was a maharaja of the Mughal empire, a priest for the wealthiest merchants or advocates in the highest British courts. Each generation married spouses within their own caste, and you have no right to mess with these traditions.
Your parents are the gatekeepers and prison guards of tradition – you will be protected and safeguarded until, and only until, you’re wedded off to a suitable boy with great character (or more likely, a nerdy doctor with generations of family wealth living in America).
Bollywood movies. The insanity of cinema makes your parents act irrationally, illogically and overly-sentimental. Our parents have gotten so hooked on fictional movies and Bollywood masala that they play out the feelings and sentiments of those movies in real life.
(You never know – it could be the reverse. The silver screen might just be copying the real-life emotional dramas of a typical Indian family).
“We own you” mindset. Indian parents don’t think of themselves as your caretaker. They were brought up to believe that they own you. Your success is their success. Your achievement is their achievement. Your failure is theirs. Your income is theirs. So is your house.
Guilt. Indian parents operate on large sums of guilt, a gift from their own parents. They constantly feel like they’re not enough, not doing enough and haven’t given enough to their children. They feel guilty towards their extended families, guilty towards their parents, guilty with themselves.
“We want you to do better than us.” Many parents want their children to do better than they did. They made a decent life for themselves in a new country (or even in the old country) with struggle and hard work while supporting you and your siblings. The minimum they want is your success. Your success would have made all the struggles worth it, in their minds.
Our old age depends on your success. They are constantly living their lives close to death. They’re wondering who’s going to be there for them when they are old and sick. It consumes their minds – they need you to be stable and successful so they can live with you and inconvenience you to take them to medical appointments.
Pride. Pride is mixed in with ego. Like I said, your success is their success. You are literally their pride, joy and life. Your parents love to brag and show you off – nothing more than bragging and showing off a product they created. Your success makes them feel on top of the world. Your failures make them feel like failures. You are very VERY personal to them.
They way they see it, you are them!
How to deal with abusive tiger parents?
So, now that you know some of the reasons they are who they are, what can be done about it?
Tiger parents, who happen to be strict disciplinarians and emotionally abusive, are difficult to stop.
All the power is with them. If you’re under 18, they are providing your food and shelter. They practice verbal abuse, emotional abuse and emotional blackmail.
For everything you say or do, they have a cruel and hostile response.
They are determined to control your life and ensure you conform to their every expectation.
Here are 18 tips to help you deal with your abusive parents.
Not all this advice will apply to every situation, but you’ll have to use the tips that you believe can best help you cope.
1. Expressing yourself. Although this is a very difficult thing to do, you can express how you feel to your parents.
Take out your own anger and frustration when you talk to them. Try to have an objective discussion in a conversational tone where you express to them how their actions are hurting you.
Try to write down how you’re feeling and give it to them in a letter.
Get another adult, neighbor or elder family member involved and express to them how you’re being treated at home. Do this at your own risk, since outing your parents publicly and giving light to their abuse will make them go berserk. Prepare for irrational and furious responses most of the time.
Caveat – no need to express yourself regarding topics that infuriate or make them angry. Don’t talk to your parents to provoke a fight with them – some topics are better left untouched.
Avoid harsh words, accusations and abuse by choosing to stay quiet on unimportant and trivial matters. Avoid arguments you know you can’t win or conversations that will end in a blow up.
2. Know you’re not alone. Many others, including myself, have survived our parents’ child-rearing. When you make it out of childhood and young adulthood alive, you can reflect more clearly on the experience of having lived with your parents.
You’ll realize that they didn’t know any better and didn’t understand what they were doing.
You are not the first or last person to experience these kinds of difficulties at home.
Many people have experienced this type of abuse, figured out a way to make peace with it and used this difficult part of their lives to accomplish good things. I’ve written an entire book on how to make peace with this kind of abuse which you can pick up here. The pain can be used for good later in your life. It can give you coping skills and strength for other difficult situations.
It’s a lesson in adversity.
You are walking a path that many have walked before you – you’re not alone. We’ve survived it, and you can too.
3. Find someone who understands. There’s nothing wrong with you.
You’re not inadequate, dumb or incompetent.
You’re the child of abusive parents, that’s it. Parents who don’t know any better.
To help remind you that you’re not defective or deficient in any way, share your experiences with someone who understands. A good friend to talk things over, a sibling who can empathize, or a family member you trust are all good people to confide in.
If you have the means, and especially if you’re an adult, consider counseling. In the U.S., this is not very taboo, but it does seem to be in other parts of the world.
Get hold of a counselor to support you or a professional to help you be emotionally resilient, find healthy ways to deal with your parent’s behavior, and try to reduce the detrimental impact of your parents on your emotional and mental life.
4. Boost your personal development, character and behavior.
While you can’t change your parents, their attitude or behavior, you have a priceless opportunity to work on yourself.
I know I know – they are the problem and are the source of the greatest pain in your life.
But Viktor Frankl reminds us that, “when we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
In the depths of your frustration and helplessness, all you can do is try to find ways to make self improvements and become a better person yourself.
While your parents are angry and abusive, you can learn how to release the anger in your life and treat others better.
While they view you with scorn, you can to find compassion within yourself.
While they are disrespectful and crude, you can be loving and forgiving.
You can intentionally and purposefully start changing your behavior, attitude and reaction to your parents’ wild ways.
Surround yourself with positive people, books and messages. Even blogs and inspiring Ted talks online. While your parents may be poisoning your ears with insults and throwing darts at your soul, choose to combat their impact by proactively spending time around positive people and messages.
Inspirational messages by inspirational and resilient people can help you stay in good spirits.
Use the internet and books to mold yourself into a new person. Work on your personal growth and character in the face of the storm.
5. Live in the present moment. Yes, they hurt you yesterday and the day before that and many many other days. But look at the moment that you have now and try to live for that moment. When you’re not feeling their wrath or their putdowns, they are not hurting you in that moment. Embrace that moment.
Try to not let the past hurts and pain have a snowball effect on you, creating something you have to deal with every day.
Take it day by day and moment by moment. Don’t let the past repeat in your mind after it’s gone.
6. Change your internal game. You can’t control your parents, what they say or what they do, but you can control what you’re feeling and thinking on the inside. You’ll have to take everything they say and do and reframe their words, intentions and actions.
What they are saying is not what they really mean.
They want to say they love you and support you, but don’t know how to voice that. They would if they were programmed differently.
You have to fill in a lot of the blanks for yourself. You have to feel those things that your parents are not showing, fill in the blanks for the words they don’t say and the actions they don’t take.
For every damaging comment and insult they hurl, you can try to give yourself a different meaning of it or change the context for yourself. Try to be understanding and empathetic of their behavior, as challenging as it may be. They are challenging you to be your highest and most spiritual self.
It’s not entirely their fault – they are the product of their parents, culture and Indian mindset.
7. Journaling. Finding ways to express your feelings is a helpful way to deal with the rejection, pain and hurt that your parents are causing you.
While you may not have access to a professional therapist while you’re still living under their roof, find ways to write out your frustration, anger and pain.
You can use a journal to try to listen and write down what they’ve said, why it’s not true and what your feelings are about the nature of the critical remarks. Counter their remarks with your version of the truth. Counter their abusive words with positive ones.
8. Know your time is limited. You only have so much time left with your parents. Know that you won’t spend an entire lifetime with them, but only a few short years before you get out of their domain.
This is similar to surviving torture or any unpleasant situation. Find ways to cope and wait it out. The parents who rule your life now will not do so forever.
9. Practice self-love. I have an entire eBook on this, but acknowledge that your feelings will be hurt, your confidence affected and your self-esteem ruined by living with your parents. How do you love yourself while you are surrounded by negativity?
Spend the time that you have working on accepting, loving and being compassionate with yourself. If you aren’t feeling the love and emotional support at home, you’ll have to find ways to cultivate your love for yourself from within.
10. Take the high road. Be willing to forgive, understand and love your parents, knowing that they really have no idea what they’re doing. As I’ve explained above, you know why they’re acting the way they are.
Really, they just want the best for you. It may be for all the wrong reasons, but they want you to live up to your potential. Having parents that are missing from your life or don’t care about you could be worse.
They yell, scream and criticize as a strange and unusual way of showing you love. They believe that you’ll thank them one day for the discipline and encouragement they’ve given you, not realizing how much damage they are causing you.
Chose to act from a place of wisdom and let go of their trespasses on your life.
11. Forgiveness. Knowing some of the reasons that your parents are they way they are, you have to start with forgiveness. As difficult as it might be, you have to forgive for one major reason. Your parents are already hurting you by attacking you and making you feel bad. You are only adding insult to injury by allowing them to hurt you even more when you confront them with anger.
Forgive. Not for their sake, but for your own.
The quicker you forgive, the quicker you’ll be releasing any resentment and pent up anger you’ve built up. Forgiveness is the key to your peace.
12. Take on the challenge. If your parents are overly critical about a certain area of your life like school or grades or your health, challenge yourself to improve in that area of your life.
Show them that you can do better – turn it up a notch just so they’ll leave you alone. And hey, when you’re the CEO of Microsoft, you just might thank them for the discipline and abuse!
13. Ignore and retreat. Let the harmful words your parents are spewing out go in through one ear and out the other.
Realize that the negativity and criticism are your parents’ issue, not yours. Try to not take anything they say personally. If you do take it personally, refute each putdown and critical comment with a positive one. Come up with reasons and logic that are contrary to what they’re telling you.
Try to reduce the amount of face time you have with your parents. If you have projects and homework, work on them in a locked room. Spend time at friends’ houses and volunteer to do things that will take you anywhere out of the house.
Look out for what you say and do that sets your parents off. Are you provoking them in some way? Is there one part of your life that makes them angrier than others? Do you say things that infuriate them? Be aware of what the big blow ups in your life are about and try to take precautions to avoid certain topics or behaviors with your parents. .
14. Cultivate spiritual practices. They can say things to you, harm you emotionally or try to hurt you in other ways (in hopes of motivating you to do what they want). What they can’t do is disturb your inner calm.
Seek out spiritual practices like meditation, yoga, and mindfulness practices to be in tune with yourself. Go deep within and release the pain that you’re confronting. Transform the tears and pain into love and healing.
The words may reach your ears, but refuse to let them destroy your spirit.
You can try to embrace the pain and suffering caused by your parents. Feel it, hold it, and let the negativity bathe over you. By being present with the pain and mindful of the caustic words they use, you’ll be able to let go of the sting of their behavior.
15. Learn the lessons. What could this possibly be teaching you in life?
Is there any merit to what your parents are saying to you? Definitely not!
Is there any underlying value to living with caustic and bitter people? Maybe?
Are you learning how to deal with difficult, rude and belligerent individuals? Absolutely!
Ask yourself if your parents are your greatest lesson and try to determine what lessons you can learn from their words and behavior. What can you learn from their unconsciousness?
Will you treat others differently? Will you be a much different kind of parent?
16. Be thankful. While you may absolutely despise them for their cruelty, there are things in the past and present that you should be extremely grateful for.
Your parents have made sacrifices, worked hard and put food on the table for you.
They may have done touching, considerate and even kind things for you.
They may have taken care of you in illness, treated you to a special birthday, celebrated you in some way, spoken well of you to friends and family.
When you chose to focus on the smallest amount of gratitude towards your parents, you will lift the weight of all the negativity and hurt that your parents are causing you. A little gratitude just might help you seem them in a more positive light.
17. Try kindness. Your parents may appear to be irrational, insensitive and callous people.
Challenge them and fight them, and they will continue to make your life even more hellish.
Trying to appease them, love them and be kind to them might, just might, get them to stop, or at least take it easier on you.
18. Use your imagination. This last tip could be Walt Disney-like, but it could help and just might save the day.
How is your imagination? If you’re creative or have a lively imagination, use it to your advantage. Imagine you’re not living at home and experiencing the daily berating and spouts of anger.
Use your imagination as an escape. Imagine you’re a pirate traveling the world, Huckleberry Finn on an adventure, or riding Aladdin’s magic carpets.
Allow yourself to escape the mental and emotional torture by visualizing being in an entirely different place. A voracious reading habit can also help you take your mind to a more peaceful and happy place.
Family dynamics are a difficult thing. When we interact and are with those closest to us, we experience many emotional wounds and pain.
To cope, try some of the strategies above. Remember at the end of the day that regardless of who does what to you, you ultimately have the power to decide how you’re going to react.
You can set aside the pain, anger and self-loathing to choose forgiveness and love.
Your parents may have trouble expressing their love for you, but you have the ability to practice empathy and understanding and reciprocate with kindness.
You can choose the high road, embrace the lessons from this relationship and prepare for better days ahead, because it will get better.
I want you to know that healing is possible and you can overcome the scars left by your parents. You can read more in this book I wrote for you here:
Yup, I'm getting married. And yes, I'm dancing on an elephant.
This is not your typical post. There’s no talk of self-realization, church-hopping, or spiritual wisdom here.
I’m simply writing this for those of you who read my posts on Culture Mutt last year and have written to me with questions about how to survive living in high-pressure cultures, dominant parents, inquisitive communities and families.
Cultures where your existence is compared to everyone else you know, including your genius brother, American Idol-talented sister, chess champion cousin, Harvard-going family friend, deceased Supreme Court grandfather, highly educated and wealthy very-distant relative who founded Google, surgeon neighbor, and television personalities (Sanjay Gupta, Fareed Zakaria, etc)
Your circumstances.
As a kid of a Tiger Mother or neurotic parents of any highly traditional, high-pressure culture, you know what family and social pressure feels like.
It doesn’t matter if you’re in elementary school, high school, college, graduate school or a working professional. If you’re Indian, Pakistani, Chinese, Persian of from any Asian country, you know that your life and decisions are not solely your own.
You’re commanded errr… encouraged to attend a particular college, pursue a specific profession which gives you titles such as M.D. or M.B.B.S., creatively introduced to your future spouse, given hints as to where you should live, what job to get, how many children to have, etc etc.
Of course, you’re never really ‘told’. Simply, asked, questioned, hinted at, barraged with a line of questions a murder suspect would get during an interrogation.
“Why don’t you go to medical school?”
“Oh…the Patel kids are both going to Yale next year. Where did you decide?” “You can go to India to study medicine, no?”
“Why did you get a B+ in history? Do you know how much we’re paying for your education?”
“He’s a nice guy from a good family. You’re not that young, you know”
“Who writes? You can become a doctor, then you’ll write up patient charts during the week and novels during the weekends”
“So, looks like we’re cursed by the God’s and our fate’s sealed. You’re not marrying and giving us 2 grandkids!”
What do you do if you don’t want to play by the rules of your culture or family?
If you’re muddled about what you should be doing with your life, feeling pressured by your parents and culture to be a professional (and by that, I mean doctor, dentist or engineer) and feel dreadful about not living up to everyone’s expectations and demands, read on:
Survive your family and your culture – 9 tips to get control of your life.
1) Forgive your family and yourself.
As hard as it may be to do, forgiveness is necessary for your mental health and sanity. You must be able to forgive your parents who are pressuring you and trying to control your life. More than likely, this is their unusual way of showing you their care and concern. And love.
When you forgive your parents or family, you show yourself that they have very little impact on you. You refuse to allow their overbearing and dominant ways to hurt you further.
Forgive them, then forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for having to disagree with and not pleasing them. Forgive yourself for choosing to live your own life. Forgive yourself so you can move on with your life, instead of being trapped by your family and culture.
2) Refuse to follow the lead of your parents and compare yourself to others.
Know that others have their own difficulties, challenges, and life-dilemmas.
Your friends getting married after law school and touring Europe may look like they have a perfect life on the outside. But you never know what’s going on with them. That very successful and got-it-together couple may be absolutely miserable internally, seeing 3 therapists or could be alcoholics – you never know.
3) Seek clarity in your life and take action.
You don’t have to have a clue as to what you’re doing with your life but you should try to seek clarity by talking to your inner circle of friends and through self-reflection.
Look at what you enjoy doing, look at your strengths, your skills and move in that direction. No matter who you are, you have certain skills, talents and strengths. Focus on those and keep moving towards mastering those parts of your life.
Stop doing those activities, professions and jobs you can’t stand.
Look for an exit.
Just take a little bit of action a day on what interests you, what inspires you and what makes you feel alive.
If you have no idea, just start. As Alexis Grant says, purpose usually finds you, not the other way around. And it finds you only after you’ve gotten started.
Start doing your hobby, your craft, your art. If you start and lose interest, then that’s not your passion. If you’re not willing to do this for 2 hours a night after a day of school or work, then it’s probably not your passion.
4) Take money, prestige and what people think out of the equation.
Be honest with yourself as far as what you enjoy doing. If you do that and do that only, you’ll find immeasurable success in the long run.
If you love teaching, like a friend of mine did, success will knock on your door. My friend’s parents tried to talk him out of a teaching career but he fought for his dream. And yes, he became the youngest state ‘teacher of the year’ a couple years back.
Unlike what your community or parents tell you, you WILL succeed in what you enjoy doing and what brings you happiness.
5) Seek confidence building activities, daily inspiration and affirmations.
All those things sound zany but they work. You hear a lot of negativity from your parents and culture.
You have to replace it with positive self-talk.There’s online videos, meditations, affirmations, books, more. Do these activities daily to keep all the negative buzz away form you. And affirm your brilliance.
Don’t let them break you down with comparisons, criticism and insults.
6) Stomach your day job until you can actively pursue your interest, passion, art.
If you can’t make your passion into a full time job or career, then spend all your free time doing it.
If you can’t give up your law practice or medical career, then write at night, take classes in the evenings, run on the weekends, shoot photos when you’re on vacation.
Have a vision of your future. Create a vision board to make your vision a reality.
7) Use negative energy, the doubters and the haters to take action.
Use their doubt, disapproval and judgmental behavior of others to move you into action. Allow the negativity to help you become even more focused and determined about doing what you want to do.
Let the negativity motivate you to achieve more.
Allow the doubters to help you achieve your goals.
8) Actively hunt for people who will believe in you.
Spend more time with them.
You already know what to do with the negative people in your life.
9) Seek happiness daily.
Be diligent about seeking happiness. Be like a firefly seeking the light of happiness.
You don’t have to do what everyone else wants you to do but you do need to do something.
Find what makes you happy and keep doing more of that. Find happiness in the mundane and boring tasks of life. Find happiness in the job you hate. Find happiness in the profession you never wanted to pursue in the first place. There must be some aspect of your job or career that makes you happy. Focus on that.
If meeting people who compare you and humiliate makes you unhappy as it well should, avoid them. If reading makes you happy, schedule that in. If family affairs are no fun, find excuses to get out of them.
Fight for your happiness like you’re fighting in a war. Be disciplined about seeking and living in happiness daily. When you’re happy, you’ll do better work and find success.
When you’re happy, it will rub off on those around you. They soon will be happy too.
Keep seeking happiness and vigorously fight against anyone trying to steal it from you.
Protect your dreams and happiness like you’re guarding the priceless Mona Lisa.
Did your community or family insist you live your life a certain way, marry a certain person, work a certain profession? Let me know how you deal with your family or community in the comments below.
Hi, I’m Vishnu
I help people overcome their devastating breakups and divorces and find love again. Instead of visiting the Himalayas, sign up below and join me. I am taking a writing break but will be back soon.
This guide is free. A ticket to the Himalayas is $2000. Your move.
